tv The Daily Show Comedy Central April 23, 2018 11:00pm-11:31pm PDT
11:00 pm
above the sink. above the sink. hmm. captioning by courtney at captionmax www.captionmax.com >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: what's going on, everybody?! welcome to "the daily show"! thank you so much for tuning in, i'm trevor noah! thank you, everybody! come on, settle down, get into it. our guest tonight to talk about his new show, "the last o.g.," tracy morgan is here, everybody! going to be fun, stay tuned. first, great britain just got one more taxpayer subsidized
11:01 pm
mouth to feed. >> big baby news from across the pond dwoarks have a any royal. >> an official town crier proclaimed the news on the steps of st. mary's hospital in west london where the duchess of cambridge gave birth. >> god save the queen! god save the queen! ( bell ringing ) >> trevor: strange way to be born. imagine the guy with the bell is there throughout the kid's rife. hear ye, hear ye, the royal baby is being conceived! missionary sex, boring! or the kid's 13, the town crier is outside the bathroom door, hear ye, hear ye, the young prince is exploring himself with the aid of a victoria secret catalog! ( laughter ) a great day, a new royal is
11:02 pm
announced. once he was born, the great grandmother the queen greeted her new grandson the way she does all her grandchildren, holding him in her lap gently and whispering, i will outlive you! you'll never have my throne! ( laughter ) that's where you come for alternative views on the royal family. you know the the one healthy relative that's rubbing the salad in your face and winning you were dead -- >> an e coli outbreak, don't eat romaine lettuce unless you're sure it's not from arizona. the c.d.c. says the warning includes whole heads and hearts of romaine lettuce in addition to chopped romaine and salads and salad mixes containing romaine. >> does lester holt bet paid every time he says "romaine"?
11:03 pm
romaine, romaine -- is that how it works in tv, oh, you get paid. romaine, snap! ( laughter ) a big story, a nationwide outbreak of e coli in romaine lettuce, so serious president trump put out a statement saying that just to be safe, he hasn't eaten lettuce for the past 50 years. ( laughter ) and this story was especially disturk to me because i had no idea there were types of lettuce. it's, like, now it's a big story, you can't eat one particular time of lettuce. i'm not going to lie, this is a white people problem. good luck with that. you can call us when it's coleslaw, then we'll stress, but till then, whatever. let's move oven. because we're learning more about president trump's infamous visit to russia in 2013. according to the james comey memos which were just leaked, trump claimed twice that he never stayed overnight in moscow. says he never slept over. but newly unearthed flight
11:04 pm
records show trump landed on a friday and left on a sunday. now, to be fair, trump said that he didn't sleep in moscow. ( laughter ) and it's probably pretty hard to sleep when your bed is soaked in pee. ( laughter ) so that could be one explanation. so, i mean, look, the truth is it is big news that trump may have lied about his trip to russia. let's be honest, it's not really a surprise. trump lies. it's his nature. it's like being mad at the pillsbury doug boy for not having a dick. that's just the way he roles. what's amazing is we discovered trump's originally lie. the bullshit foundation he built his career on. >> new report trump may have lied his way on to to annual list of richest americans in the '80s. >> record a net worth of $100 million. the documents later proved he was only worth $5 million.
11:05 pm
he lied about how many apartments the trump organization owned, how much the units were worth and trump, not his father, owned the apartments. >> trevor: that's right, all the way back in 1982, trump apparently got on to the very first forbes list by lying about his net worth and claiming the stuff his dad owned was actually his, which is a classic lie every 20-year-old would recognize. lte get out of here, girl, i got my own place -- above my dad's garage. ( laughter ) and please don't get me wrong, this wasn't just a casual lie trump told at a dinner party. he made a concerted effort to fake exer views, references and his financial statements. in fact, at one point he even created a fake person. >> former forbes reporter jonathan greenberg claims in a new piece in "the washington post" that trump called him pretending to be a trump organization official named john barron.
11:06 pm
( conversation in graphics ) >> trevor: even the ultimate? it's amazing to me even with all the effort trump put into getting on to the forbes list, he still never thought of doing a different voice. he just changed his name. and knowing trump he probably put on a full costume with a fake mask, prosthetic nose and used his own voice on the call, it's me, john barron, not donald trump, you can tell from my mu stash and different nose. ( laughter ) trump lying to forbes, it could be seen as someone trying to boost his ego, but turns out trump's lie may have gotten him more than flattering press. >> because donald never had an actual statement of his assets and liabilities, he used the forbes 400 and statement of
11:07 pm
inflated assets to borrow billions of dollars which eused to build "the atlantic" city and overleverage himself. >> he wanted to use the forbes list to fraudulently induce people to fund him in ways they otherwise would not? >> that's correct, i think h he did that. >> trevor: this is mind blowing. trump lied to get on to the forbes list. then the forbes list cemented him as a mogul, then he used his mogul status to get to the white house because, remember, his success story wasn't just a minor detail of who he was, it was the very matter of his campaign. >> forbes just came out and said i'm worth 4.5 or $5 billion. i'm really rich. i'm not even saying that to brag. that's the kind of mindset and thinking you need for this country. i'm really a good businessman. i'm so good add bids. ah, you people are going to be so rich so fast, you don't even -- you don't know how rich you're going to be. you're going to go from a debtor
11:08 pm
nation, it's going to peung, you're going to say, wow, what mapped? we should have asked what peung means, turns out a muslim band. who would have thought. i didn't know. if i was a trump supporter, this new revelation would have me shocked. turns out his entire origin story was fake, like this would be like finding out batman's parents were never killed, they just moved to florida, you know? like them calling him every week, bruce, doe is that mean cn still bothering you? stay out of it, mom! if i was a trump supporter i would be so pissed, i voted for a rich guy who was successful not a trickster who lied himself on to the forbes list. if i find out he's not racist, i will be so mad! so mad! ( laughter ) and you know watts depressing about this? is that we know it's not going to change a thing. none of trump's lies have ever slowed him down. at this point, the best america
11:09 pm
can hope for is that he uses his lies to help the country move forward. that's it. like maybe he'll bullshit kim jong un into swapping his nukes for three magic beans. that's all you can hope for. then kim's generous will be, like, he gave you beans? they'll rely, don't worry, he told me after we plant them we'll go "peung!" we'll be right bacback ♪ ♪ oh -- you're bad enough to me ♪ ♪ bad enough that we ♪ always have something to get over ♪ ♪ oh -- but when the night is deep ♪ ♪ you find me in the streets ♪ asking me - to come over
11:10 pm
♪ discpump, foam, hydrate care foaming body wash. new dove men + care foaming body wash surpri-- we got a laggy video call here.. you need verizon, the best network for streaming. trade ya. okay, people, that's a reset. let's take it back from "surpri--" (avo) get $300 off the samsung galaxy s9+. because unlimited is only as good as the network it's on. ♪ is really this good ♪ you show it in slow-mo slow-motion steak. (avo) get an entrée like this, plus starter and coca-cola, for just 10 bucks. steak included. ♪ chili's is back, baby, back, baby, back ♪
11:11 pm
11:12 pm
tweeted out an endorsement for black conservative pundits who argue black people complain too much about racism, adding self-victimization is a disease, and then added there was a time when slavery was the trend but now is a mentality. now, first of all, i think it's weird to describe slavery as a trend, like no more memorials dead cade to the horrors of tamagotchi. kanye got me thinking maybe we're too quick to call things racist when we don't need to. to help me figure it out, roy wood, jr., everybody! ( cheers and applause ) roy. >> what's happening? >> trevor: i'm i'm struggling with this. are black people too sensitive about racism? >> hell, yeah, black people are sensitive about race i'm but that's because it's still happening! you can't tell me to get over something that never ended. you can't treat sun burn if
11:13 pm
you're still standing outside. you got to put on lotion and ice and -- i'm not white, man, i don't know how you treat sun burn. ( laughter ) the point is, you don't even have to look hard to find racism. here's a story from just a few days ago. >> tonight, new richmond residents are calling their neighbors racist. one family has their display on the front porch with several confed rat flags but that's not all. you be a judge, a black mannequin with painted lips, these figures with wigs strapped to the porch, and multiple confed rat flags of all sizes sit outside this home. tonight i spoke to the family who put that display up. you decide, racist or not? ( laughter ) >> i've decided -- it's racist! they decorated they front porch with pink-lipped black people and then the black people with confed rat flags, it's not just racist, it's tacky. you're mixing your plaids and
11:14 pm
stripes. what's worse, they don't even have the balls to own their racism. >> no way, shape or form should anybody think it's racist. >> what would you say to someone who drives by and says that family hates black people. >> i would say everybody hates everybody, you know, depends on what you hate you know,. ( laughter ) >> yes. exactly. depends on what you hate. if you hate a race of people, that's racism! it's crazy even people who admit that they're doing racism don't want to be labeled racists. people don't like racists. they don't like labels. i don't like being naked all the time but i don't want to be called a nudest. >> trevor: but people call you a nudist because you walk around your office naked. >> i'm not a shamed of my body, trevor! ( laughter ) the point is, the whole thing is a disgrace. it's a disgrace. i will say this, though, the
11:15 pm
wigs they put on them dolls, on point. look at the detail. the curve, the banks, that's some artisanal racism, and the creativity doesn't even end there. the woman had a backstory for the display. >> all the baseball players on there are actual from the first blacks that played the baseball game. >> they were asking specifically what the black mannequin is supposed to represent. >> like the mom of the baseball players, basically. >> oh! right! now it makes sense! this was a tribute to the trail-blazing black baseball players and they momma! ( laughter ) because i don't know what you know about negro league baseball but before every game, jackie robinson's momma would hand him a confed rat flag and say, go get i'm, baby! ( laughter ) give me that back that batted,
11:16 pm
put the flag in your hand. go get 'em. ( laughter ) >> trevor: if you can't be racist at home, where can you do it? >> that's the problem. racism never stays at the racist person's house. sooner or later, racism catches an uber and comes to your doorstep. the day before we heard about the porch, there was another story about a black dude who got run out of a town in tennessee. >> a man who used to live at this house on depot street says he never felt welcome there. he said just wednesday morning he discovered these label slurs spray painted on the walls of his house. >> see, this one is upsetting because, first of all, there was no need to call him nigger. he was the only black dude in town. they could have just used his name. they could have just said, hey, keith! get your shit and get out of down, bro! that's all they had to say. >> trevor: this seems open and
11:17 pm
shut. no one can say this isn't racist. >> that's exactly what they will say. >> mayor casey burnet said he was one of the first people to see the graffiti but doesn't consider it to be a hate crime. >> it did have a little bit of a racial slur to it but it's not -- you know, we're not a racial community at all. >> just a little bit of a racial schur, just a little bit! there are only two words and the other was kill! a little racial slur, sounds like a recipe for oppression casserole. just a little cayenne, and, oooh, you gotta run! that's good casserole right there! ( laughter ) i think i understand what kanye was trying to gee but i don't agree. just because i'm calling out racism doesn't mean i'm trying to be a victim. if i see you being racist, i'll call you out on your shit and
11:18 pm
carry on with my day. speaking of which, i have been these clothes more than three minutes, i need to be free. >> trevor: no, no! roy wood, jr., everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> i'm not a victim! ♪ i like it, i love it, ♪ i want some more of it. ♪ i try so hard, ♪ i can't rise above it ♪ don't know what it is 'bout that little gal's lovin'. ♪ applebee's new bigger bolder grill combos. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood.
11:19 pm
growing up i didn't have anyone who looked like me. that's why i started my blog to inspire people to be themselves. the surface laptop has already made me more productive. i'm creating mood boards. i'm editing content. or i'm running around new york with a huge bouquet of balloons. so having a light laptop is a game changer. plus the battery life on the surface lives forever. my blog is sometimes about fashion, sometimes about sprinkles. it's usually always about color. find what makes you different, because that sets you apart from everyone else. like the crisp, cold refreshment some thiof busch.d never change. but some things should... like mike's aim. mike! toss me a busch! wow. good effort. buschhhhhhhh.
11:20 pm
we can now use a blood sample toh care, target lung cancer more precisely. if we can do that, imagine what we can do for asthma. and if we can stop seizures in epilepsy patients with a small pacemaker for the brain, imagine what we can do for multiple sclerosis, even migraines. if we can use patients' genes to predict heart disease in their families, imagine what we can do for the conditions that affect us all. imagine what we can do for you.
11:21 pm
discpump, foam, hydrate care foaming body wash. new dove men + care foaming body wash doto be our next spokesperson?m he's so boring. hm. sounds like you're on the fence. why don't i just leave you my resume? yes, it's laminated. no thanks. you're hired! try caramel m&m's. ow. ( ♪ ) (sustained horn honk)
11:22 pm
advisor: (on phone) jane, this is jim from onstar, i've contacted help and they're on their way. woman: okay. advisor: don't worry i'm going to stay with you until help arrives. woman: thank you. that deer, it just... just came out of nowhere. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! my guest tonight is a comedian and actor who stars in the tbs series "the last o.g.." >> tamara, 37, divorcé, two kids. >> whoo! >> look at this up top. it says i'm a nice person. coffee for the kid. >> so what you gonna do? into i don't know. >> swipe right? >> swipe right. >> bam! now, look, i don't want you to get discouraged, it may take a couple of daysish. >> a match. >> what? >> right there, a match right
11:23 pm
there. >> you win the game! >> trevor: please welcome tracy morgan! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> oh, man. >> trevor: welcome to the show, cancer. >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: it's been so long, i wanted to have you on. >> because i'm scared! you're smart! this is a smart show, man! i had to go back, get my g.e.d. just to come here! for real! i'm not into politics. i voted one time in my life and that was for dave dinkins. you see how that turned out. >> trevor: who is that? >> the mayor of new york! ( laughter ) >> trevor: oh, man! well, i'm glad you came.
11:24 pm
congratulations, "the last o.g." just got picked up for a second season. ( cheers and applause ) >> i love that show, man! i have so much fun doing it. >> trevor: you know what i love about "the last o.g." >> what you love about "the last o.g."? >> trevor: i'll tell you. you play a character who's just come out of prison and is trying to restart his life. he moves back into brooklyn. he realizes the whole world changed and struggles to get back into the world. was the brooklyn story a real story? >> yes, these are real people. i foe these people. this show is funny and grounded and it's kind. it's a kind show. when you have people like tiffany haddish, allen maldonado and sedric and me, it's going to get wild and yule out there. >> trevor: let me ask you -- >> who are you? the district attorney?
11:25 pm
( laughter ) i cannot recall! i watch "law and order." you don't ask me no questions. ain't nobody said when you booked me for this show he gonna ask you a question. ( laughter ) >> trevor: let me ask you this, for a story that is about starting over again, for many people, your story in real life was inspiring because we all rooted for you. everyone was, like, we can't not have tracy morgan in our lives. >> i love you. >> trevor: you make us love comedians. >> i love you, trevor. ( applause ) >> trevor: when you look at your character in this show, is there a part of you in that story starting all over again? >> if tracy morgan got a second chance at life, why can't tray barker who is my character? >> trevor: right. >> i want to make a reconnection with the audience, with the people of the world. we all deserve a second chance. >> trevor: right. >> so i believe in that. we all make mistakes.
11:26 pm
but we have to really be careful of condemnation. >> trevor: right. >> we have to learn the language of love, and conned "face the nation" will hurt us. you can't condemn anyone. you can't condemn a race of people. the thing that separates the people of planet isn't your color or nothing, nationality, it's just pride. it's foolish pride. i know, swallow it. if you have pride, it's all about a love, man. ( applause ) yo, listen, in my world, angelo dundee was mohamed ali's manager. he told mohamed ali one day, don't cost for thing to be nice. we're laughing and having a good time but as soon as we leave out of here, we want to go back to the prideful stuff, i'm better than you. that's got to end and stop. a month and a half ago when the kids died in that school, i
11:27 pm
cried all day. that could have been my kids. so i'll take this moment, i'm not afraid to move away from comedy here on your show, this is where i wanted to say this. thank you for having me on here. you know i love you, trev. >> trevor: i know. i love you, man. thanks for being here. "the last o.g." airs tuesdays at 10:30 p.m. on tbs. tracy morgan. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back! ♪ join t-mobile and the whole family can stay connected with new iphones. which is great... ...unless your parents thought you were studying. aren't exams this week? somebody's busted.
11:28 pm
so join t-mobile, buy an iphone 8, get an iphone 8 on us. all on america's best unlimited network. only at t-mobile. want to try out my time machine? it runs on doritos. [dog barks] sure. so now what? gotta put the whole bag in. okay. yes! it's really working, jimmy! [humming, thumping] [humming] [thumping] this is the greatest moment of my life! get out of my yard! [birds chirping] jimmy? you're so old. [crunch!] it's the future! ♪ experience a blend of refined craftsmanship... ...and raw power. ♪ new innovations... ...and a tradition of excellence.
11:29 pm
luxury... ...and performance, engineered to take the crown. presenting the all-new lexus ls 500 and ls 500h. experience amazing, at your lexus dealer. if yoyou have a beard.our face, oooohhh... if you add layers to a beard, you're a werewolf. yes please. if your face needs layers, so does your chocolate bar. get layers of crunchy and creamy. hershey's cookie layer crunch. get layered.
11:30 pm
11:31 pm
palace. john. >> the bookies have already put up bets about the name will be mary, has got the best odds. >> i was hoping for sh shaniqua. >> you would make a bunch of money if you bet on that. >> yes! ( laughter ) ( applause ) red by comedy central by ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> jordan: get in here! let's go! it's already april 23. my guest tonight is author and "new york times" columnist ross douthat. ( cheers and applause ) yeah, i'll put his fake news to bed later. but first, do you want sound legal advice but aren't near a billboard? well, there's only one place to turn: fox news' "justice with judge jeanine." this show is hosted by jeanine pirro, a former prosecutor,
161 Views
Uploaded by TV Archive on