no, not you, my karate teacher. he's really smart. - oh, well, tell you what. let's leave the car here, walk home, and watch the game. i'd like to have another beer or two. - all right. - come on! or maybe i'll have three beers? - that's probably okay, if you spread it out. - how about four? - i think you're pushing it. - how about twenty? - that's not dis-a-prin. - right, right, does vodka count? - dad! captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah.

( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." thank you so much for tuning in. my guest tonight is an actor from "orange is the new black" and the cbs show "superior donuts." diane guerrero is here, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) but first, yesterday, president trump announced that he was pulling america out of the iran nuclear deal. and not everyone in iran is taking it well. >> the u.s. pullout from the nuclear deal is a devastating blow, and already we can see the hard-liners maneuvering to take advantage of it. conservative lawmakers this morning burned a paper u.s. flag in the parliament and chanted the familiar "death to america."

>> trevor: ah, i'm not trying to tell you guys how to do your job, but it's a lot scarier if the flag actually catches fire. ( laughter ) like, "die amer"-- hold on. "die amer"-- "die amer"-- like, i'll be worried about these guys making nukes when they're struggling to burn paper? i mean, really? that's what i'll be doing? ( cheers and applause ) you know who i feel bad for? the parliament's fire marshal. he was probably so stressed, he was like, "guys, i hate america just as much as you do, but can we move this to the parking lot, please, please, please!" ( laughter ) now, this wasn't that surprising because these guys are extreme in iran's parliament. they're basically the ted cruzes of iran. but the feeling towards trump was coming from the very top, too, with iran's supreme leader khamenei stating, "this man will turn to dust and his body will become food for snakes and ants."

yeah, which sounds like a harsh statement, but you realize that's going to happen to all of us. ( laughter ) yeah, it's a pretty slick move. you threaten people with the natural course of life. ( laughter ) "one day you will stop breathing and your family members will cry over your dead body." ( laughter ) yeah, that's a funeral. that's exactly what a funeral is. that's-- that's normal. moving on to other news, every day, we learn more and more shady shit about trump's personal lawyer michael cohen. the latest is that just after the election, michael cohen's shell company was paid half a million dollars, and the money was linked to a russian oligarch, who is close to putin. and just as weird as that, cohen's secret company was also getting huge sums of money from major corporations. >> cohen's company also received payments from a number of corporations, including nearly $400,000 from a subsidiary of pharmaceutical company novartis; $200,000 from at&t; and $150,000 from korea aerospace industries.

>> at&t told us that essential consulting was one of several firms it used in providing insight into understanding the new administration. >> trevor: really, at&t? you paid $200,000 to trump's lawyer to get insights into trump? we all know that's bullshit. i mean, because if you really want insight into trump, just read his tweets. there it is. it's free. $200,000-- you owe me now. ( laughter ) so cohen got money from drug companies, from korean plane companies, and at&t. i mean, at least the drug company had the decency to try to make it look legit. look at that amount. they spent a specific amount, right? everybody is like 200,000, $250,000. they were like... it makes is seem like there was an actual reason for the payment, because when it's round numbers, you know it looks shady. drug dealers are never like, "hey, man, you want an eighth of weed? that will be $59.99." ( laughter ) so let's move on. yesterday was a big day in the

midterm primary season, which is basically the elections before the election between the elections. welcome to america. we like elections. ( laughter ) now, there were three big republican senate primaries contests yesterday-- ohio, indiana, and west virginia-- people's three favorite states to drive through to their favorite states. "now to pennsylvania, yay!" ( laughter ) but west virginia was the race that everyone was watching. and from the news coverage last night, i can't actually tell you who won, but i can absolutely tell you who lost. >> primary results are in for four states. west virginia voters rejecting the race-bating conspiracy-laden candidacy of don blankenship. >> coal barron don blankenship came up short. >> west virginian republicans rejected don blankenship. >> don blankenship finished a distant third in the west virginia senate race. >> trevor: that's right, west virginia, meet your new republican senate nominee-- not don blankenship! yay! ( cheers and applause ) now, i'm not going to lie-- i thought it was a little weird for the tv news to be focusing

on a candidate who came in third in a primary. but once you meet don blankenship, you understand that this guy might not be newsworthy, but he was definitely great tv. >> politicians are running a lot of crazy ads. i blew up the coal mine, and they put me in prison. now they're running ads saying the coal mine blew up, and i went to prison. there's no surprise there. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> uh, actually, i feel like that was a surprise. ( laughter ) politicians don't usually run ads saying they went to prison after they blew up coal mines. which-- side note-- really happened. 29 people died, and blankenship served a year in prison for it. and i'm willing to bet with that bourbon-and-xanax delivery, no one messed with him in the joint. you know, guys were like, "hey, man, what are you in for?" and he's like, "the coal mine blew up and i went to prison. there's no surprise there." "damn, man, you loco, man. ( laughter ) i'm just here for insider

trading, man." ( laughter ) ( applause ) and believe it or not, that's not even the reason blankenship's senate run blew up, right. it's actually for his completely original views on mitch mcconnell. >> one of my goals as u.s. senator will be to ditch cocaine mitch. when you vote for me, you're voting for the sake of the kids. >> trevor: "cocaine mitch?" ( laughter ) are you serious? there's no way that mitch mcconnell is on cocaine. ( laughter ) i mean, it is fun to imagine that he is, like, he's actually only 35 years old, but he parties so hard that he just looks like that now. ( laughter ) that will be funny-- so don blankenship set himself up as the trumpiest candidate that you can imagine, anti-establishment, and definitely not p.c., which is why he also ran an ad targeting mitch mccconnell's chinese american wife.

>> swamp captain mitch mitch has gotten rich. in fact his china family has given him tens of millions of dollars? >> trevor: "china family?" you know, it's one of those things where i know i should be offended, but i'm extremely confused. ( laughter ) because "china family." like china family sound like how your racist uncle refers to "fresh off the boat." "change the station, i don't want to watch 'china family.'" and the phrase "china people" was even weirder. what did that mean "these china people?" it's a weird phrase, which is why he got asked about it in the republican primary debate. >> this idea that calling somebody a china person, i mean, i'm an american person. i don't see this insinuation by the press that there's something racist about saying a china person. some people are korean persons, and some of them are african persons. it's not any slander there. >> trevor: well, you know, as an africa person and as american persons, i think we can all agree that that's a bullshit person.

( cheers and applause ) i feel like-- i feel like even racists would be mad about this. they'd be like, "hey, man, we've got words for this. we worked hard! you're ignoring our heritage." so, obviously, i don't need to tell you this-- mitch mcconnell is not a fan of don blankenship, which is why after he lost last night, mcconnell dumped on him hard online. >> postelection, mcconnell firing back with this humorous tweet, mccconnell reimagined as pablo escobar for the tv show narcos" with the message, "thanks for playing, don." >> trevor: wow! mtch mcconnell! ( cheers and applause ) making jokes. that's amazing. it is a bit weird that mcconnell is so confident about it that he made himself pablo escobar. you know, like, part of me thinks that maybe he is involved with cocaine now. you know, like, now that it's over he's like, "okay, now that

the heat's off, we have to get back on the corner, bro. push that blow. remember the price-- $58.94, so it doesn't look suspicious. so don blankenship came out of nowhere in the primary race and ended up nowhere afterwards. but even in defeat, this man was tv gold. >> it's time to concede, so we're conceding the election. feel free to hang around, you know. we already paid a big bill for y'all be able to eat and drink and occupy this room, so there's no reason to hurry out of here. so stay as long as you want, and i'm staying upstairs so i don't have to worry about a d.u.i. or anything. ( laughter ) but if i did get a d.u.i. before midnight, they would send me back to prison for 30 days. so i have to be careful. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: this guy just cannot stop reminding people that he went to prison. ( laughter ) "anyway, thank you for your support, and just remember, because of me, dozens of people died. good night, everybody, good night." but you know what? i don't blame for him for wanting to stick and around celebrate because you heard him.

his parole ended at midnight. so he's a free man now. or as don blankenship might say, "they say i blew up the mine, and so i ran for senate. then they blew up my campaign, so now i'm done running for senate. but i didn't get a d.u.i., so i'm free to do what i do best-- blowing up coal mines. ( laughter ) we'll be right back." ( cheers and applause ) how do they make starburst taste so juicy?

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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." you know, it's a tough job being a police officer. you're overworked, you're underpaid, and sometimes it seems the only perk of your job is when everyone thinks you're there for their bachelorette party. oh, and, of course, you get to have a gun. the problem is, it seems that today in america, cops are often too quick to use their firearms, which is a serious issue that we'll cover in our new segment "cops just wanna use guns."

♪ cops just wanna use guns whoa, cops just wanna use guns ♪ >> trevor: our first brandishing buddy comes to us from southern california in a misunderstanding brought to you by mentos. >> an off-duty officer in southern california is caught on camera pulling his gun on a convenience store customer, who he mistakenly thought was stealing. this was all over a pack of mentos that the customer had already paid for. the man says he tried to explain that he paid, but the officer didn't believe him until the convenience store actually had to say, "he paid for it." >> trevor: wow. this cop pulled a gun on a guy because he thought he was stealing mentos. here's my thing-- even if he was stealing them, that's not a reason to pull your gun. like, maybe if the guy was stealing mentos and diet coke, then yes, that-- that's a potential bomb threat. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i get it. we know what you can do with that stuff.

yeah, that's dangerous. but not for mentos alone. i mean, if this cop will pull out his gun for mentos, he'll pull out his gun for anything. even when he goes home after work he's probably like, "honey's, what's for dinner? whoa, whoa, open the oven nice and slow, nice and slow. put the meatloaf where i can see it, now give me a kiss. no tongue! no tongue! " and if a guy is willing to go to jail for mentos, i think that's pretty bad ass. the guys will be in jail, "hey, dude, what are you in for?" they'll be like, "i blew you a mine. what are you in for?" "me, i blew up mentose, the breath maker." ( cheers and applause ) now, fortunately, in that instance, no one was hurt, but if you're a groundhog who encounters a cop, your story might not end so well. >> some people in maryland are upset a police officer shot a groundhog that was apparently trying to block traffic.

>> video shows that animal running toward the deputy, which made the deputy think that animal was dangerous. >> the sheriff's office declined to comment on camera, but said in a statement explaining the deputy saw traffic stopped on liberty at white rock road, investigated, and found the groundhog block traffic. "he realized it was not responding as expected for an animal that was not being cornered or trapped." >> trevor: get the (bleep) out of here, man! are you being serious? first of all, white people are calling the cops on groundhogs now? like, what's next, sunset? "officer, please, help. it's getting so dark everywhere!" and, also, this poor groundhog. he was just two weeks from retirement. and now, the worst thing is they shot him, and they're acting like it was his fault, yeah, attacking his reputation-- "he was not responding as expected for an animal." oh, i didn't realize there was some sort of police groundhog protocol. like, what, is he supposed to put his hands up? he doesn't have hands! ( laughter ) you could tell the poor little groundhog had no idea what was

going on. like the cop was on one side, and then he was on the other side. i wouldn't be surprised if the cop was giving confusing directions. "get off the road. don't move! get on the ground!" "i am on the ground. i am a groundhog, that's what i do! i hug the ground! ( cheers and applause ) the news is making the groundhog seem like the bad guy. he was trying to block the traffic. next, the news will be pulling up that groundhog facebook, finding every picture where he looks like a thug. i know how this goes. and in response to this incident, the national association of ground hogs just released a statement saying, "if this is how humans want to play it, fine. we're bringing back six more weeks of winter, bitches." ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's all we've got time for. stay tuned for the next edition of "because cops just wanna use guns." we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪

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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an activist, author of the book "in the country we love," and an actor who can currently be seen in the cbs series "superior donuts." >> franco's making a huge mistake. >> are we talking the beads in the hair or the lady boots? ( laughter ) >> no, i'm talking about his trip to italy with tavi. they think it will fix their relationship, like those couples who fight all the time and have a baby. >> yeah, tavi's all wrong for him. >> huh... are you sure this is about franco and tavi and not your feelings for him? >> maybe a little of both. ( laughter ) >> no, it's about franco and tavi, mostly. and a little bit me. >> trevor: please welcome diane guerrero. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to the show.

>> thank you for having me. >> trevor: huge fan of yours from "orange is the new black," and now you've gone on to do other great things. you're on "superior donuts" now as well. you were on "jane the virgin." do you ever sometimes confuse the characters? because, like, sometimes you'll be moving between shows. will you say the line as lina but it's suppose to be a maritza's line? will you ever do that? it will be hard core on "superior donuts," and people are like, "you're not in prison." what are you doing? >> i try to be hard core in everything i do. >> oh, you're consistent. >> i try to be consistent. >> trevor: that's a weird role to take with you. it's a kid's show, and i'm loco. >> trevor: you wrote a fascinating account of your story, and it's the book we have here "in the country we love: my family divided. and you tell a story of being a young american child who has two parents who are undocumented, and they get deported. and you were 14 years old at the

time? >> yes. >> trevor: how do you even begin to process the world when your parents have been taken away from you? like, where do you begin in your mind? >> well, it was something that i always had to live with. i mean, i lived with the fear of losing my family, of being separated. my family was very-- were brutally honest with me. i was, like, five years old and they were telling me, "look, this is what's going to happen." i was, like, smoking a cigarette at five years old, "i get it, dad. this is happening. i know where the money is." not much money. so i was always sort of preparing for this day and hoping that it wouldn't happen, hoping that things would change, hoping that my parents would find a path for citizenship, but that day never came. so when it happened, i just had to buck up. i had to take the words my parents had left with me, and they told me to be strong and to continue following my dreams and living my life for me. and that's what i did.

are. >we have these discussions and e see people saying, "take the kids away." jeff sessions just announced that they-- that's what they're going to be doing at the border, separating parents from the kids. >> yeah. >> trevor: and people say it like it's an arbitrary thing. but you are someone who was separated from your parents. like, is there a way you wish it would be different? is there something you wish they could do to try to change the way it is? >> yeah, not separate families. you know. >> trevor: yeah. >> as simple as that. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: and i guess-- >> no, i know. and i guess what i'm saying is how you had to live without them. people weren't checking up with you, and that's what you were talking about in the book. >> people don't understand what separation of families looks like. that's what i try to recount in my story. i say, okay, there are huge consequences to separating families, not just for people who are undocumented who, apparently, this country does not care about. but for u.s. citizens as well. >> trevor: right. and for me i mean it sort of felt-- or it absolutely was that my life was not counts as fully citizen because my parents were

undocumented. and we went through serious hardship, and i was able to have a big imagination and continue my father's words to continue on living on my dream, and working hard. i mean, i really-- believe me, i would eat the american dream for breakfast, lunch and dinner. i would be like, "yeah, this is what i'm doing. kind of-- bootstraps and all, not really understanding what the immigration system looked like, trying to figure out a way for myself. knowing if i continued to work hard, if i was resourceful, i would make it. but that's not the case for everyone. and for most kids it's not a happy ending. and i think that with my book i just try to show my community in a different light. you know, 2016 was really tough for me. i never shared my story before. >> trevor: right. >> and when i heard my community attacked, it was mind blowing.

i mean, i've always heard undocumented people dehumanized and criminalized, but not this way. >> trevor: right. >> and as i came to my own and i came to understand my truth and accept my truth, i said, this is something i cannot let go, and i can't let people talk like this about my community, because i know the strength and the love that my community has. and i know this because i lived it. >> trevor: you lived it. >> yeah. >> trevor: you shared it. your parents are really proud of you, and you write about that in the book, which is beautiful. >> yeah. >> trevor: thank you for being with us on the show and sharing your story again, i appreciate >> thnak you. >> trevor: the season finale of "superior donuts" will air may 14 on cbs. "my family divided" will be available on july 17. and "in the country we love" is available now. diane guerrero, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: well that's our show for tonight. stay tuned "the opposition with jordan klepper" is coming up