[applause] - foxtrot standing by at position alpha. - copy, foxtrot. let's fly in the goods, tango. - [muffled] - standing by in three seconds. two, one. go, cartman. - let's do this. [dramatic music] ♪ [applause] - cartman? go, cartman. - come on, dude. hurry. - no. no! i won't do it. i won't do it, do you hear me? i'm better than this. and to hell with you, mister kitty! you're a bad kitty! bad! bad kitty! it's time somebody stood up and did the right thing. [snaps fingers]

[dramatic music] - yeah, do it, cartman. - ♪ all right, football night ♪ ♪ what do you do? ♪ get out your camera and a boobie or two ♪ - wow! - ♪ you got to get serious ♪ - have you ever seen faith hilling that good? - ♪ come on, everybody, it's faith hilling time ♪ ♪ dancin', rappin', titties flappin' ♪ ♪ where are you? ♪ this is the only memeing i'll ever do ♪ - oh, long johnson. - ♪ is a meme i won't buy ♪ ♪ 'cause i'm faith hilling till the day i die ♪ - and so, in the face of war, a little boy reminds us all what being human really means. the message is unclear, but it doesn't matter, as long as you give the audience a song, celebrity bashing, and republican hopefuls dancing around with boobies. it's called "pandering,"

and all over the country, people are-- [train whistle blowing] oh! oh, long johns-- pow! oh! oh, long johns-- [patriotic music] from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york. "the daily show" with trevor noah presents: ♪ - america hears trump in english. - i know words. i have the best words. - well, sort of. but the rest of the world doesn't hear trump. - [speaking french] - the rest of the world hears... we assembled five translators from all over the world to hear their experiences when it comes to translating trump.

of all the people you've had to translate, where does president trump fall? - he's probably the worst that i've ever translated. - trump is incoherent. - and he changes his mind in the middle of a sentence. - sometimes his message is not quite grammatical and seems a little bit uneducated. - i would say it's not particularly difficult to translate trump. - all right, get the [bleep] out of here. get this guy out of here. russian kramer aside, how does one translate trump with all these obstacles? - sometimes i lie. - you lie. - i--i have to. - no, no, no, no, no, but you can't do that. you can't do that because, see, we are counting on you to translate president trump accurately to the rest of the world. - it makes us sound stupid. - bing, bing, bong, bong, bing, bing, bing. - how would you translate that? - bing, bing, bong, bong. - interesting. okay, maybe that was a softball. but how about this memorable quote?

- you can do anything. - whatever you want. - grab 'em by the pussy. - how would you translate "grab 'em by the pussy"? - i would say [speaking japanese]. meaning that women can let me do anything. - that's very, very different. 'cause it could mean "women let me do anything. like treat them like a queen." as opposed to, "i can grab 'em by the pussy!" - mm. - you know? - unfortunately, it does not project the same way. - is there a japanese word for "pussy"? - not in the exact sense of the word. - is there a japanese word for this? - sure, that's [speaks japanese]. meaning, [speaks japanese]. - no, that's not gonna work. it's too cute, that's too cute. okay, how about this? - roast beef? - kind of. beef curtains. - beef curtains. - mm-hmm. - [speaks japanese] - let's try that. - we will build the wall and mexico is going to pay for the wall. - [speaking spanish]

- okay, that is--no. there is warmness in your eyes, you're smiling. that is not the way he said it. you have to do it like he does it. people at home are gonna think he's joking. - people have a... sensitivity, so you don't want to offend them more than he already has, you know? - no. you gotta give 'em the trump. who's gonna pay for the wall? - not mexico. - yeah, no, i know mexico's not gonna pay. but trump believes that mexico's gonna pay for the wall. so if you're gonna translate him, you have to believe it too. who's gonna pay for the wall? - nobody's gonna pay for that wall in mexico. - i know, i know, i know. what is wrong with these translators? no one is capturing the true trump. it's not just his words, there's something more. - the poor guy, you gotta see this guy. "uhh! i don't know what i said! uhh! i don't remember!" he's going, like, "i don't remember! i--uh, maybe that's what i said." - yeah, that's pretty accurate. i think you kinda got the gist of that. - i'm trump for the moment

while i am interpreting his words. - this beautiful mime was right. that's what these translators were missing. they needed to embody trump--his tone, his mannerisms, the sexism. the whole package. and down with a dumb face. uhh. - uhh. - grab 'em by the pussy. grab 'em by the pussy. sad, sad. - [speaking spanish] - after a grueling seven minutes of training, these translators were ready. with cojones. - [speaking spanish] - there you go! muy bien. - [speaking japanese] - nailed it! oh, my god. oh, my god. okay, that's-- that's good. thank you, thank you. you can cut. ♪ president trump is determined to build the wall. - if we have to close down our government, we're building that wall. - but trump's wall would ruin fragile ecosystems, breed xenophobia and even destroy something rich white people care about.

- if trump builds his wall, then it'll go right through our golf course. - if built, trump's wall would cut right through an exclusive golf resort, right here on the border in brownsville, texas. - we're an 18-hole golf course, nestled along the banks of the rio grande river, as you see behind us. - i don't mean to be rude, but i believe it's "rio gran-day." - potato, pottato. - it's potato. no one says "pottato." and for jeremy, this isn't just a job--it's a dream. - we grew up playing this golf course. this is a place where i wanted to establish my career and let my kids grow up. but you can't have a golf course with only three holes. - yeah, three holes are only good for one thing. - you know, we'd have to-- - i'm talking about sex. sorry, you were talking about-- - yeah, if trump builds this wall, we would lose everything completely. - right. - i just don't think it's fair. - which is why jeremy is tirelessly speaking out against trump's number one policy. as one of the wall's victims,

he never could have seen it coming. - i actually voted for president trump. - you voted for trump. - just felt like it was time for something different. - [exhales exaggeratedly] oh, my god. why are you complaining? he's literally doing the thing that you voted for. - you know, trump is a salesman. you know, so we figured it was a metaphorical wall. - you thought he was talking about a metaphorical wall. - right, not an actual, physical wall. - that is the dumbest thing i've ever heard. didn't trump say... - it will be a real wall. a real wall. - just maybe once or twice? july 2, 2015, "we must build a wall." june 6, 2015, "nobody can build a wall like trump." august 30th, 2016, i saw another one. "from day one, i said i was gonna build a great wall on the southern border." august 25th, 2015, "it's not a fence, jeb. it's a wall." you think those were all metaphors. - i think all of 'em could point to something that is a metaphor.

- so if you could go back in time and go, "it's a real wall," what would you do differently? - you know, i'm not sure there's much we would do differently. i'd still vote for trump. - unbelievable! for jeremy and millions of trump supporters just like him, there's nothing trump could do wrong. [grunts] except one thing. [water splashing] - you know, seeing that video of trump driving on the green at trump national, it really just breaks your heart as a golf course owner. - it's the driving on the green? not the muslim ban or the leaking information to russia or the destroying your business. - yeah, i mean, it just--these are $100,000 greens and you're just kind of being really inconsiderate about 'em. - so there you have it, from the mouth of a trump supporter whose career will probably be destroyed by his own vote. keep up the good work, mr. president. just stay off the green. oh, are you not supposed to do that? sorry. sorry. ♪

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♪ - robots have often been romanticized in tv and film. but exactly how close are we to this? ceo of real doll matt mcmullen believes we're pretty damn close. oh, my god. turns out the sex industry is where some of the most cutting edge robot and artificial intelligence technology is being done. - it's a lot to take in. - that's what she said. matt claims to have already created one of the first intelligent sex robots. - yeah, this is harmony the robot. she's very simply designed to be a companion. - and experts predict that by 2025, most households will have a robot lover. - well, my goal is for her to have any uses that she can have. it doesn't have to be about sex. it can be about conversation. it can be reminding you of things like your phone does already, but with a personal touch.

- like, she gives you a hand job to remind you to pick up bread. - if that's something that would remind one to pick up bread, then, you know, what's the harm? - okay, so they're developing these sex bots with a.i. to look and perform as if they're human. but come on, it's not like it's the end of the world. - there's an end coming. - well, shit. meet robot ethicist and professional fun sucker, dr. kathleen richardson. she's been a vocal critic of sex robots. how is a sex robot really any different from a vibrator or a dildo on top of a life-sized cardboard cutout of wolf blitzer, say, hypothetically? - well, if we were just talking about objects that you rubbed on your genitals, we wouldn't be having this conversation. you don't need to buy an expensive doll to do this. you can use all kinds of things. - eggplants. - yes. - pillows. good old-fashioned subway seat. a cheese grater. - but it's still not sex with another person. - a citi bike. - what we're being offered is a degrading, dehumanized commercial product.

and it's basically telling people that women are reducible to dolls. - eww, she's right. sex bots could change men's view on women the same way pornography has. and i have to say, i for one, am disgusted with the continual objectification of women. - we're making male versions as well. - you have a male robot. oh, my god. that's--that one--you said this one's taken? - yes. - i was starting to see how some people could find the idea of a sex bot appealing. - there are a lot of people out there who might be lonely. - sure. - and this is a different way to experience companionship. - he had a point. not everyone's a people person. if someone wants to bang a robot, who are we to judge? aren't there some perks to sex robots? - not generally, no. - you don't think so. - i mean, you can, um... sit on them if you want. - mm. - you can do those kind of things. - sorry, what else can we do with them? - you could tie their hair up

in a ponytail if it's got a wig. you can play soft music in the background. - it's a little hot. - you can caress their rubber hands. - ohh. - and, you know, you can put a blindfold on it. - ooh, is it hot? it's really hot. - and you can make it wear a tank top. - oh, god, i love tank tops. - you can do all those things. - ooh. - but you're still masturbating. - yes, you are. - it's something you're having exclusively with yourself for your own pleasure. and i think the consequence of that is the end of humanism. - you really know how to be a buzz kill, don't you? end of humanism? doesn't get any worse than that. except it does. - so some people believe that in the future, robots and a.i. will be indistinguishable from human beings, and they will take everybody's jobs. - that's one thing these two agreed on. technology is becoming so advanced that soon robots could be performing not just sex, but other very complex human tasks. - yeah, entertainment will be one of the first places

that robots will replace certain roles. - but not my role. - well, it could happen. - yeah, she can take a dick, but can she tell a dick joke? - she can. - all right, let's see what this skin job has. - if you turn it on, she wakes up. - oh, my god. - say hi to the film crew. - oh. - yes, we are. - she's a fan. - are you a fan of the show? - yeah, so she doesn't watch the show. - it's funny. - i think we got enough jokes around here. - wait, she didn't think you were funny. - oh, that's funny. - that was-- that was a condescending laugh. - well, that is-- you know what? what is happening? first, our bedrooms, then our careers. if the lines get too blurred, how will we ever be able to tell the difference? wait a second. - entertainment will be one of

the first places that robots will replace certain roles. - robots will be indistinguishable from human beings. - yeah, she can take a dick, but can she tell a dick joke? - she can. - that's what she said. [indistinguishable voices] - shut down. [echoing] shut down, shut down. [dramatic music] ♪ [somber piano music] ♪ [hip-hop music] ♪

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♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] - there are certain achievements every journalist aspires to. like breaking a big story, winning a pulitzer, cancelling dinner with wolf blitzer at the last minute. the fun part is waiting outside so you still get to see his face. [chuckles] but the dream for any journalist is landing an interview with the president. and that's something that right now, fox news is indisputably the best at, with nearly four times as many presidential interviews as all the other big tv news organizations combined. so how did the men and women of fox score so many sit-downs with the potus?

i've studied every interview and it comes down to a few basic rules. what the--get the [bleep] out of my shot! get out! as a journalist, you might think your job is to hold the president accountable, but this isn't "the post," and you're not tom hanks. unless you are tom hanks, in which case, hey, big fan. the point is, if you want the president to let you ask questions, you've gotta take a softer approach. - the media--pretty vicious. not just to you but to your family. how do you process that? - are you getting the credit for this economic revival? - how frustrating is it to have former president obama there, out there leading the resistance? - you're one of the most loved and respected... - i would say that also. - in history. how does that feel? - are you having fun in this job? - so how was your week? - what a nice change from all the unfair, fake news, gotcha questions like, what's your infrastructure plan? can we see your tax returns?

and please take your penis off the constitution. it's not a question, but they do say that. mm. next up, positive reinforcement. now, obviously, the president is always right, but he needs to know that you know that. flattery is key. - you guys wanna start with good news? [cheering] they do want some good news. - go ahead. - right, you don't get a lot of good news in the media. - well, you don't get so much. - if i may say, you are everything as advertized as you ran for president. and, uh--appreciate everything that you're doing. - your ability, your successes-- all of the things that you can talk about for two hours here. - i like the fact that you're impatient for change. - right over there is your hotel. - yeah, that's right. [laughter] isn't that beautiful? isn't that beautiful. - it's a beautiful hotel. - look at your hotel. man, it's hot out here. do you have any trump brand water? [laughs] never mind, i have some in my ivanka trump handbag, right next to my don jr. brand douche. and there you have it.

landing a presidential interview is easy--if you know how to do journalism good. but don't take my word for it. ask...me. i mastered these techniques and got my own exclusive sit-down with the big man himself. thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule, mr. president. how are you doing? - great, tremendous. - good. let's get right into these questions we gave you ahead of time. - outstanding. - mr. president, we know you're awesome. but just how awesome are you? - one of the greatest in the history of our country. and we are setting record after record, day after day. - and you're not getting enough credit for it. - no, i'm not getting enough credit for it. - you are such a good president. i mean, america should just end after you. mic drop! boom! it's over, folks. never getting any better. kill yourselves. - but i don't think i've ever seen anything quite like it. - mm, best president says what? - what. - exactly. boom. mm! whoa! look at those bear claws--man.

you know, it makes you wonder, why are people so mean to you? you know? it's just--it's not fair. it--it--it makes me just so... angry. - well, i think the press is fake. - totes. - a lot of the media is fake. - bingo. ding, ding, ding, ding. - the mainstream fake media. - yahtzee! - 'cause they are fake and phony. - what? what? smoke weed every day. well, luckily, i brought a little surprise for you. it's your favorite! quarter pounder with cheese, filet-o-fish, two apple pies and a 12-piece bucket of kfc. - thank you, i love it. - and i love you. - let me tell you, the one that matters is me. i'm the only one that matters. - well, mr. president, i just have to say, thank you so much for your time. oh! i almost forgot about your happy meal toy. it's a truck! [imitating truck driving] - thank you. - no. thank you. [cheers and applause] thank you. [hip-hop music]

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op music] ♪ - water. whether it's smart, sparkling or secretly vodka, it's all around us. but a new movement believes that just like trump, we're drinking water all wrong. from bernie bros to silicon valley, raw water is the health trend of 2018. and leading the movement is the clothing-optional founder of live water, mukhande singh. i couldn't wait to see what this raw lifestyle is all about. oh, you wore clothes. we're not doing-- okay. what exactly is raw water? - so raw water is unsterilized, pristine spring water that still has a lot of the healthy probiotics in it. - there are probiotics in live water? like the stuff that jamie lee curtis keeps on pushing? - yeah, this is the healthiest choice for water. - live water's thousands and thousands of customers agree.

even though the mainstream is pretty skeptical. - water is water. it doesn't have probiotics in it. - damn it. clothes again. ugh! why shouldn't i drink raw water? - you could get sick. people going out and drinking from streams is risky. - but some might say that raw water is the most pristine water you can drink. - it might be, but how do you know what's upstream from it? there might be animals contaminating it or human waste contaminating it. - okay, but what are your qualifications? - uh, doctorate in molecular biology and a masters in public health nutrition. - okay. touché. and mukhande's qualifications? - i've studied a lot of yoga and self-meditation and journeying. - okay. - most people in the world would give anything to have a clean water supply. what's wrong with turning on a tap? - it's a new idea. i can understand why there might be hesitation. but i recommend people try it.