fast? obviously my diet isn't quite right. is this how she is with arguments in the past? because she has a point. that's how karl wins arguments with me. i'm jim jefferies. i think we can all do better. listen to the podcast. good night, everyone! ♪ - may 22nd, 2018. [triumphant fanfare] from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show with trevor noah" presents... ♪ [upbeat music]

- we spend a lot of time here discussing american stupidity, but we sometimes forget that stupidity knows no borders. and why would it? it's stupid. for more on this, we're joined by senior international correspondent ronny chieng, everybody. [cheers and applause] - hey, everybody, thanks. thanks, trevor. i'm actually kind of from australia, which you might not know because of my perfect american accent. but it's true, i lived down under for many years, and everyone thinks australians are just a bunch of crazy crocodile wrestlers. and let me just say this. you don't know the half of it. - eighteen-year-old lee de paauw, full of ozzie bravado and bragging to a girl he just met, deliberately plunged into crocodile infested waters. - the british tourist he'd been trying to impress

could only watch on in horror as the croc attacked, snapping onto his arm. - i've never had a guy scream like that. [laughter] - what pisses me off is, idiots like this are why people think australia is dangerous. i lived there for ten years, and nothing happened, okay? australia is perfectly safe... as long as you stay out of the rivers 'cause of the jellyfish, and the ocean because of the sharks, and the bush because of redback spiders, and the outback 'cause-- you know what, basically, just stay in the sydney opera house, that's... [laughter] that's where it's totally safe. well, except for the opera snakes, obviously, but... my point is, australia can be dangerous if you're a dumbass! [laughter] but everywhere is dangerous if you're a dumbass. a car wash can be dangerous if you're a dumbass. [laughter] how did he drown? i don't know! he was being a dumbass! [laughter] the most annoying thing about all this is how he regrets nothing. - despite being a north queensland local and growing up knowing the dangers of crocs in waterways, the young man denies he's done anything wrong.

[laughter and applause] - "haters gonna hate." mate. those aren't haters. those are medical professionals. right? and they're not hating. they're trying to keep you from bleeding to death. [laughter] and you won't believe this, but it seems like his stupid plan may have worked. - as for the girl he risked his life for, lee says it paid off. he's convinced her to go on a movie date. - what? what are you doing? you cannot reward this behavior, all right? because now every dumbass, horny 18-year-old is gonna try to slap an apex predator, because apparently, that's what the girls like! [bleep] millennials. [laughter] this whole story is just disproving natural selection, all right? because the guy who jumps into the crocodile's mouth is not supposed to get to breed, all right? but here's the kicker.

- tell us about the backpacker. why is she so special? [groans and laughter] - so... after all that, you [bleep] it up on an unforced error. [laughter] mate, even the crocodile is like, "yo, what you doing? "i was trying to be your wingman. "i had her all lined up for you! "yeah! "you look like a badass, the chicks dig the scars, "you got her sympathy, and you still blew it! "all right, we can fix this. just give me your other arm. come on, let's go." but you know what, if the crocodile plan doesn't work out, you know what they say. there's plenty of man-eating sharks in the sea to [bleep] around with. [upbeat rock music] - democrats might know how to rally their base, but when they reach out to middle america, they say things like... - for working families to get a share of that prosperity

that they're creating, we need some serious enforcement of competition laws. - you're boring! - can you hear me now? - not working. - it's not working? - no, it's not! and, no surprise, last election, people in swing states went for a guy who said things like... - who's gonna pay for the wall? all: mexico! - i'd like to punch him in the face, i'll tell you. - trump honed his trademark oratorical style-- where else?-- in professional wrestling. and if democrats were gonna fight back, they needed someone who could go head-to-head with a wwe hall of famer like trump. and in the heart of coal country, we found him. - shut your ignorant mouths, 'cause the progressive liberal has something to say! [cheering and booing] - finally, a democrat who doesn't make me want to change the channel. dan richards has been making headlines wrestling as the progressive liberal and riling up small-town audiences all over trump country. - hillary! i should've done this!

- oh, lord, there you go. [booing and jeering] - how hard is it to pretend to have these liberal values? - oh, i'm not pretending. - but even if the crowd hates him, the progressive liberal could teach swing-state democrats some classic wrestling techniques for getting voters' attention. - you want to stick to broad, brushstroke talking points. - right. so, middle america would rather learn about politics through a mostly naked man than by reading a book. - yeah. - the progressive liberal had some great ideas for updating democrats' messaging. but could he take on the heavyweight champion in the white house? unfortunately, he was busy golfing. so we cast someone else to approximate trump's rhetorical style. [cheers and applause] - shut up! yeah! - introducing the commander-in-briefs! - is it just me, or is it getting cold in here? 'cause that's-- because that's a snowflake in the ring!

snowflake! snowflake! - i am not a snowflake! quit pandering! - i'm not pandering. i'm one of them. my pandering was working! time to take this to the next level. you know what this man wants? let me guess what you want to do with the guns in this country. just let me guess. you want to take them away. - i don't want to take away guns. i'm just for really strict background checks. - okay, that wasn't too hard to understand. and the audience was into it. okay, fine, whatever about guns. let me guess what you want to do about marijuana! [crowd cheering] - i think what people want to do behind closed doors should be their business. - yeah! - like hell, you do! - that is my position as the progressive liberal! [cheers and applause] - looks like broad-brush talking points work. especially that marijuana one, democrats. so maybe let wrestlers craft slogans for your next campaign... like-- or... or just...

but let's face it-- what really turns on swing-state crowds isn't words-- it's action. i don't care about your positions, 'cause you suck! - middle america wants a strong hero who won't back down from a fight. so, democrats, if you want to beat a wrestler president, keep it simple, and go on the offensive. fake news! ow! fake news! ow! fake news. welcome to the future of american politics. growing up i didn't have anyone who looked like me. that's why i started my blog to inspire people to be themselves. the surface laptop has already made me more productive. i'm creating mood boards. i'm editing content. or i'm running around new york with a huge bouquet of balloons. so having a light laptop is a game changer. plus the battery life on the surface lives forever. my blog is sometimes about fashion, sometimes about sprinkles. it's usually always about color.

find what makes you different, because that sets you apart from everyone else. woooodang. woooo!!! dang. ha hah!!! we hide hotel names, so you can find four star hotels at two star prices. ♪h-o-t-w-i-r-e hotwire.com♪ doto be our next spokesperson?m he's so boring. hm. sounds like you're on the fence. why don't i just leave you my resume? yes, it's laminated. no thanks. you're hired! try caramel m&m's. ow. ugh, no bars. oh no, looks like somebody needa a new network. when i got this unlimited plan they told me they were all the same. i was just trying to save a few bucks. verizon has the largest, most-reliable 4g lte network in america. it's basically made for places like this. honey, what if it was just us out here? yeah well, i guess, uh, didn't think about that. verizon did. so, i ordered you a car. thank you. you don't wanna be out here at night 'cause of the coyotes. bye!

(vo) unlimited is only as good as the network it's on. go with the best. starting at $40 a line for four lines. ♪ better than all the rest ♪ applebee's new bigger bolder grill combos. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. last one. (singing) lil' sweet! ooh. for arranging these pillows that are purely for show, you deserve the (singing) sweet reward of a diet dr pepper. mmm, that is sweet. honey, the big one always goes in the back. (singing) lil' sweet diving into the pillowscape. (singing) it's the sweet one. - chicago. big city. windy city. opinionated city.

whether you're from hyde park, lincoln park, or wicker park-- why is everything a park?-- their food is as iconic as their corruption. al's italian beef sandwich. garrett's addictive popcorn mix. portillo's jumbo hot dog. and, of course, the legendary chicago pizza i've heard so much about. [cheers and applause] what the [bleep] is this? - this is chicago deep dish pizza. - yo, i said i wanted a pizza, not some italian guy's dump on a plate. this looks like me eating pizza and then throwing it up into a bread bowl and then leaving it in the sun to dry. - this is how chicago does pizza. - i refuse to believe you can't get a decent slice of pizza in this city, all right? this is the birthplace of lincoln. obama. michael jordan! - none of those people were born here! - [bleep] birthers! ugh. this is what people in chicago call pizza? where can i find a decent slice in this city instead of this stupid bull[bleep]? [rousing big band music] i couldn't find a single place that sold real pizza.

just these deep dish dough dumpsters. this isn't pizza. this isn't even human food. after hours of only deep dish, i finally found a place that served delicious, normal pizza pie. the cook county jail. that's right. the best pizza in chicago is in the biggest jail in america. this gourmet pizza is actually made by and sold to inmates as part of a training program called recipe for change. - recipe for change has made it a point to put together a program where we have phenomenal pizza. - thomas dart is the sheriff of cook county jail. he's been running the pizza program for four years. - we have a lot of good pizza in chicago. this is really good, though. - what do you mean, there's good pizza in chicago? have you tried that deep dish chicago pizza? - yeah, but the inmates didn't want that.

- so you're telling me, even in jail, people did not want deep dish pizza? - they haven't been asking for it. - recipe for change is one of several rehab programs out of the cook county jail, along with drumming, painting, chess, gardening, and more. so what made you become a hero sheriff and not a joe arpaio sheriff? - you know, recidivism rate's, like, 70%. it's expensive to incarcerate people. it's not expensive to give them a skill. - the man giving them that skill? local restaurateur chef bruno abate, who volunteers his time and expertise to teach inmates how to cook the best pizza in chicago. chef, what do you think about this deep dish pizza? - it's garbage. people should not eat this. it's like a brick. look at this. look. i mean, i don't know where you buy this. i don't want to know. but this is shame. - after a straight hour of [bleep] on deep dish pizza, chef bruno finally got around to telling me more about how his program is affecting inmates.

- the program, recipe for change, is here to open your mind, to open your brain, give you hope, give you self-esteem, give you dignity. - give you pizza. - everyone in the cook county jail wants to be a part of this great program. - i learned how to be a better leader. - i learned how to work with a lot of other people. - basically, i've learned how to eat better. - it was great to be with people in chicago who understood what pizza's supposed to look and taste like. guys, this pizza is genuinely awesome. you must have people lining up around the block to buy this. - actually, it's only for inmates. - guys, we gotta rescue chicago from that bull[bleep] deep dish pizza! - look, i know the pizza's great, but this is not how you deal with conflict. - all right. i'll be right back. - hey. where you going with the pizza? - ronny knew pizza this good wasn't meant to be caged. he also really loved prison escape movies. - ronny. where are you? look at the bastard.

[dramatic music] ♪ [laughter] they will love the pizza. where's he taking the pizza? why you don't... - in october 2017, ronny chieng smuggled thin crust pizza out of cook county jail. oh, ronny loved pizza. but he also hated chicago deep dish. he had to find a way to get thin crust pizza to the people of chicago. all it takes to get pizza out is cheese, dough, and time. that and a big-ass poster. ♪ ronny chieng... he crawled through a river of marinara and came out smelling like basil. ♪ ♪ je plonge à l'envers ♪attiré par l'extase ♪

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i was eating a milky way. hey pass me that bug spray. at least it was spf 50. mmm... sorry.

- thanks to president trump, 2017 was a huge year for totally made-up stuff. but there is one totally made-up thing that has proven to be the opposite of completely worthless. - it is the hottest currency in the world. the bitcoin. in the past 12 months, investors have driven the value up nearly 1,500%. - we sent our very own ronny chieng to find out more about them. - cryptocurrency. is it some fake [bleep] some [bleep] nerds made up on the internet to steal our money? or is it the future of finance? there is no way all these people buying cryptocurrency have any idea what the hell they're investing in. and it's not just bitcoin. ethereum, the number two cryptocurrency, has risen 5,000% since the start of this year.

why?! - if you imagine bitcoin as being a gold coin, ethereum is a coin that has a magic spell in it. - what the hell does that mean? i spoke with one of the founders of ethereum, joe lubin, to find out. first question: what is it? what is it? - ether, the cryptocurrency that lives on the decentralized ethereum platform, is actually a much more programmable cryptocurrency than bitcoin. - that doesn't mean anything. what is it? - we created a platform for decentralized applications. - does everyone in cryptocurrency talk like you? - pretty much. - is it just everyone just going, "decentralized... [mumbling indistinctly] ...and drugs online"? - exactly. - does cryptocurrency make you feel angry and confused? well, it should. to make it easier to understand, we ripped off "the big short" and asked margot robbie to explain it in a bubble bath. but she said no. cryptocurrencies are transparent and decentralized. when two strangers exchange money over the internet, it requires a middleman, like paypal or a bank,

who takes a percentage of the transaction. and that transaction is vulnerable to hacking. cryptocurrencies are recorded in a public ledger called the blockchain, so it's impossible to cheat. they actually solve a lot of problems with exchanging money in a global, digital world. now, get the [bleep] out of here! i'm trying to take a bath. but still, is that worth a bajillion dollars? why do so many suckers on the internet-- sorry, i mean people-- believe fake money has value? - ether's real. it's based on faith in the ethereum blockchain. when you get enough people believing in cryptocurrency, then you can snowball into something that a society actually deems valuable, like the u.s. dollar. - whoa, whoa, whoa. what do you mean, the u.s. dollar? - the u.s. dollar is based on faith in the system. - so the only thing backing this money is belief in the competency of the u.s. government? - unfortunately, that's true. - damn! so not only is cryptocurrency fake-- all money is fake!

wake up, wall street! you know money isn't real, right? all this stuff is all fake. but wall street doesn't care if money is real, as long as they're making lots of it. they've been pumping millions into bitcoin and ethereum, driving the creation of thousands of new cryptocurrency. but how low is the bar for entry? let me get this straight. you took bitcoin, and you just changed the font to comic sans? - and we put a dog on it. - this was the guy to talk to. so tell me about the genesis of "dog-e-coin." - well, firstly, it's dogecoin. [laughs] but i created-- - why is it "doge"? - it's actually based on a meme. - what, it's not "dog-e-coin"? - a lot of people-- - electronic coin? "dog-e-coin"? - oh, that's pretty smart, actually. - it's not. but guess what? this stupid meme currency is worth almost $400 million! so why does its creator have some problems with cryptocurrency? - when you see price charts go up and to the right exponentially, ultimately, it can be a sign of a bubble. - yeah, bubbles are great, what are you talking about? i love bubbles. - people are gonna lose a bunch of money. - and sure, cryptocurrency might destroy

the planet through climate change and supporting rogue nuclear states, but... ...this is america! so i decided to make my own cryptocurrency. but that has to be an incredibly complex-- done. that was easy. i did it! it literally takes ten minutes to go on a website and make your own coin. time to make it rain chiengcoin and kick-start the financial revolution. do you accept chiengcoin? - chiengcoin's like bitcoin. it's disrupting global financial systems using blockchain technology. - no? - i'll send you money over the internet. - i'm gonna demonstrate. so, imagine, if i send you this. right? - no, no, but digitally. no. no, no. no, give me back my 5. how are people not getting this? no, i'm paying you. i'm paying you in chiengcoin. - get the [bleep] out of my cab! out of my cab! - remember this moment. remember this moment when you had a chance to jump on chiengcoin and you didn't. all right? his loss. invest in chiengcoin! just don't ask me how it works.

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[cheers and applause] [upbeat dance music] - take it from this shoplifter wanted in five countries-- police all over the world have a hard job. so, to stay ahead of the criminals, they are using the latest technology, starting with this idea from dubai. - dubai has-- they put out the prototype for what might be policing of the future. take a look at this. it is called the scorpion hoverbike. - whoa! - it is meant for the dubai police force. it can go as high as 16 feet, so well above traffic, and can go pretty fast, 43 miles an hour, and with the proper charge can last about 25 minutes. - wow. your sky lawnmower can go 40 miles an hour for 25 whole minutes.

oh, no one's gonna escape the long arm of the law now. i can see the police already being like, "sorry, chief. we would've caught him, "but he just kept driving. i mean, i don't know what i'm supposed to do!" also, i love the unguarded spinning blade feature. i don't know if it solves crime, but it definitely solves the problem of bystanders having heads. [laughter] meanwhile, in america, police in georgia have their own version of the future, and it's this. - lieutenant jeff mccommon announced arno as the newest member of the force-- there he is-- the robot dog is a way to help the department connect with children in a friendly, fun way. he hopes arno will help build trust between young people and the police. - what the hell was that? [laughter and applause] the police got a robot that couldn't even get hired at chuck e. cheese. also, you don't need a robot dog to impress kids, okay? just get a real dog.

if a kid sees a labrador, he loses his goddamn mind. plus, they're taking jobs away from real dogs, okay? now they're gonna be out on the streets, dealing drugs, selling their doggy bodies, and now you have even more crime than you started with. [laughter] but at least some parts of america aren't totally behind. - the lapd is closer to getting its hands on drones. cbs 2's dave lopez is live at police headquarters with the story. dave? - well, i'm with a little friend, pat, or a prop here, if you will, the drone right next to me, i'm standing at la police headquarters, where, right you are, they took step one in making drones part of the arsenal. - that's right, the lapd is getting drones, and, because it's la, you know those drones are just gonna get stuck in traffic, all right? listen, i don't want a police drone following me, all right? i already got alexa and siri snitching on me. i swear to god, if one of those drones came anywhere near me, i would swat its metal ass out of the sky so fast, you wouldn't... oh. oh.

[bleep]. trevor, they're onto me. yo, i was just joking! i love drones! some of my best friends are drones! [laughter and applause] - ronny chieng, everyone. [man coughs] comedy central ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> jordan: time is an invention, and the chinese are trying to steal it, so get in here right now. it's april 19, and my guests tonight are jay chandrasekhar and steve lemme from the comedy troupe broken lizard. ( applause ) i'll fix them later. couch soldiers, they say "keep your friends close and your enemies closer." me? i'm surrounded by so many enemies, it only looks like i don't have friends. let me catch you up.