if you don't cancel our show. - ooh, i knew that was coming. - they've really got us by the nezmins. - the earth show can still be good. just erase everyone's memory so we don't know we're a show. - i'm sure you'll see that if you give our world time, it will become even more outrageous and violent. - there's even world war iii to look forward to. - and then we won't have to show anybody the picture kenny has of you guys sucking each other's jaggons. - all right, all right, earthlings. you win. the show can stay on. all: all right! - just be sure to keep up the wars and violence. well, we've got a 5:00 with the yerka producers. nice meeting you, earthlings...bye. - [yawns] - whoa, cartman. looks like you didn't get much sleep last night. - that's 'cause i was having these bogus nightmares all night long. - hey you guys, look. - what the hell is that? i don't know. - hello there, children. all: hey, chef. - chef, kenny has a picture of two green things sucking each other's shoulders. - what is it, chef? - i don't know, but something tells me this picture might be very important, children. you should hang on to it. - attention, universe. be sure to tune in next week for another exciting episode of earth.

the asians are really stewed at the russians, the zebras try to get along with the buffalo, and americans and iraqis have an all-out brawl. it's outrageous fun, and it's all new. earth. on fognl. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com announcer: may 23, 2018. [triumphant fanfare] from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show with trevor noah" presents... ♪ [upbeat music] - when i heard that we were gonna do a year-end special,

i was like, "we have to do a song." - oh, like when i said that, "hey, desi, we should do a year-end song," and you were like, "good idea, dulcé." - yeah, exactly. and i knew that it had to be about women, because this has been such an incredible year for women. - it was terrible. this year has been terrible for women. - it was a no-brainer to get on board with this project. i wanted to be a part of the solution, not the problem. men been creepy a long-ass time, and i wanna be here to support women, like the underwire of a bra, and just lift-- oh, my god, i'm doing it too. ay, you gonna cut that, right? please, just cut that, please. y'all got me a hit, right? - yes. oh, it's so good. - you ready? - yeah. - is it good? - oh, it's great. - it's so good. - you're so amazing. - yeah, i've been writing-- - you're so good. what you've been doing-- what you've been doing... - thank you. - once you see what i got-- - has been great. - thank you. - just you. - thanks. - no, but the two-- we've been working-- - just her. - together-- - just her. - wait till you see my lyrics, roy. - oh, my god. dulcé? incredible voice. just a talent. i haven't heard anybody this natural since back when i discovered luther vandross. you see her on that piano?

[classical music playing] ♪ she learned that today. ♪ self-taught. that's prince-level [bleep]. we should be honored to be in the presence of a musical genius like this. in our lifetime, a vocalist like this will never-- - this guy. bragging about me again. [chuckles] you know, i think the key is... treating your voice like it's an instrument. like any other instrument. a guitar. um, an electric guitar. piccolo. hold on. i've been singing my whole life, from the time i was a little kid. and dulcé has been singing for-- - i just started...today. - well, lucky for you, i'm a professional, so i will get you up to speed. [both flapping lips] but bigger. [flaps lips loudly] - [flaps lips] - and then, ha! ha! - this is gonna be a powerful song... for women. - and black women. - [vocalizing]

- yeah, yeah. yeah, that's good. no, that's good. that's good. you just-- but a little more like... [vocalizing off-key] ♪ oh, yeah ah! you always end with "ah!" is that good? - yeah, that-- that was great. a'ight, you ladies ready to lay it down? - you ready? and here it is, the world premiere of "song for women 2017." - this is for you, ladies. [stirring piano chords] ♪ - ♪ 2017 ♪ mm-hmm-hmm - [whispers] women. [mellow piano and hip-hop beats] ♪ - ♪ started this year marching hand in hand ♪ ♪ to show that pussy grabber with a terrible tan ♪ - ♪ but everywhere i look

[voice smoothing digitally] ♪ the lady resisted ♪ tried to stop lizzy - ♪ yet she persisted - ♪ all around the world, we've come so far ♪ ♪ saudi women sitting at the wheel of a ♪ ♪ vehicle - ♪ pm, chancellor, oh, we've reached ♪ ♪ south korean women even getting impeached ♪ both: ♪ what a year for women ♪ ♪ it's why we're singing ♪ ♪ finally see us women ♪ ♪ what a year for women ♪ - ♪ wonder woman set records at the movies ♪ ♪ who knew you could direct when you have boobies? ♪ - ♪ on the charts, cardi b spittin' the fire ♪ ♪ beyoncé had twins ♪ that's a double messiah - ♪ megyn kelly went to nbc from fox ♪ - ♪ 17 million for a show that sucks ♪ - ♪ women all over taking care of each other ♪ ♪ and showing some love to our sisters of color ♪ i can say that, right? [beat slows, stops] - nope. [music resumes] both: ♪ what a year ♪ for women ♪ it's why we're singing ♪

♪ finally see us women ♪ ♪ in this year of women ♪ - the old harvey weinstein can't come to the phone right now. why? because... - ♪ this is the year we all stood strong ♪ ♪ no one wants to see your nasty-ass dong ♪ - ♪ back off, all you producers and actors ♪ ♪ end up in the trash like "the o'reilly factor" ♪ - ♪ 'cause when you look at the patriarchy ♪ - hold up, hold up. dj mansplain is here. i'ma tell y'all what really happened this year. [rapping] ♪ men are from mars ♪ women, they're from venus ♪ ♪ nobody likes a surprise penis ♪ ♪ but maybe you asked for it ♪ it's kind of on you ♪ we men are dumb ♪ we can't control what we do, uh! ♪ ♪ too many men this year acting like stalkers ♪ ♪ it makes me so sad ♪ i got a daughter ♪ and that's all the time i got to mansplain ♪ ♪ time for the hook ♪ yo, ladies, hit that refrain ♪ ♪ uh! - no. - we're not doing that. - mm-mm. - get the [bleep] out of here. - out. - damn, man. trying to help, you know?

- yo, hillary clinton, take us home. - [belting dramatically] both: ♪ what a year for women ♪ ♪ it's why we're singing ♪ ♪ keeping it feminine ♪ ♪ with this mess we been in ♪ ♪ our lady dicks are swinging ♪ ♪ sick of all this winning ♪ ♪ it's the sound [fuses crackle] - [off-key] ♪ we're bringing ♪ what a year for women! ♪ [vocalizing] [vocalizing continues] ♪ yeah ♪ [electronic music] ♪ and the battery is dead. again... uh-oh. you need a new phone. and you deserve it on the best network. verizon. plus right now you can get a great deal.

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♪ je plonge à l'envers ♪attiré par l'extase ♪ ♪ un tourbillon vert illumine les sirènes ♪ ♪ ♪ oh la fête fo', fo' ♪ ♪ ♪ oui l'endorphine s'est envolée ♪ ♪ ♪ d'une fête foraine devenue noire ♪ ♪ how do they make starburst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to get juicy. whoo! i feel so aliii...

it takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. unexplainably juicy. ♪ - hey, trevor. you wanted to see me? whatever she said, i didn't touch her butt. - wait, what?

- listen, whatever he said, i didn't touch his butt. - who's--who's touching butts? guys-- [both talking at once] - guys, no, um, i just wanted to let you know that i'm sending you to mexico. - what? - [laughing] - [imitates air horn fanfare] - [laughing] where's dulcé going? - where's he going? - no, no. together. you guys are going to mexico together. it's like a team-building trip. you get to know each other in mexico. you'll-- - together? - yeah. you guys will have fun. - together. - great. - no touching butts! - and while we thought that-- - kosta, i got this. - [groans] - and while we thought we were going to spring break mexico, we were actually sent to "breaking bad" mexico. - damn, look at that shit. oh, this isn't-- [grunts] jesus. "go to tijuana. it'll be fun," they said. you know? - but there's a reason we're here. - we're here to witness the start of president trump's innovative and complex solution. - the wall. the wall. the wall. - what are you wearing? - i'm blending in. - you look like a cuban drug lord. - okay, i guess the team-building's begun. - you look like an asshole on vacation in miami.

- you know what? well, you look like on vacation in... key west. amazingly, this spot in tijuana is the closest you can get to the prototypes. - so this is the wall. - in fact, we could get pretty damn close. this is what's separating mexi-- mexico...usa. my nuts are in usa right now. - i don't think your nuts are that big. - seeing these walls up close and personal, i realized i was witnessing a piece of american history. these are only eight prototypes, and we have around... 3,000 miles to cover. but... this is a great start. there were even men testing them to make sure they were immigrant-proof, but they seemed to be struggling. you look a little stuck there! you want me to ask some of these mexicans if they can help? what if you made it out of ice so it's slippery? - at least trevor sent one competent person to talk to the locals about the walls. - [speaking spanish]

- oh, okay. if no one's crossing, then why did we spend $4 million on these giant legos? - [speaking spanish] - tijuana... fiesta...tequila, huh? - shut up, shut up, shut up. - [speaking spanish] - oh! ah, sorprendoso. - [speaking spanish] - but more importantly, there's already a virtual wall of sensors, surveillance, and drones. - [speaking spanish] - [speaking spanish] - she was obviously talking about how much she likes my outfit, or what? - [speaking spanish] - [speaking spanish] - claro, claro. - [speaking spanish] - to hell with this assignment. first, trevor sends us to the wrong mexico, and then we learn that building a wall is useless. - and while we may not know how to bring down a wall between countries, there is a way to bring down a wall between coworkers.

[festive music] both: tequila! ♪ - see? the walls can bring people together, as long as they're not mexican. ♪ [lively trumpet music] ♪ - last night, the state of alabama elected a democratic senator for the first time since 1992. and this happened for a few reasons: ideological divisions within the republican party, suburban moderates turned off by president trump, uh--oh, and apparently, some people don't like accused kiddy-touchers, also. uh, but there was one really huge factor that you can't ignore. reporter: doug jones was able to pull off this stunning upset with the help of a special coalition of voters in alabama: african-americans. - the biggest factor was huge african-american turnout. - black voters were a bigger share of the vote yesterday than they were in the 2012 presidential race. - they turned out more for doug jones than they did for barack obama. - right. - you just can't put a finer point on it. - for more on alabama's election, we turn now to our very own dulcé sloan, everybody!

[cheers and applause] - hello! - so, dulcé, big turnout last night by black people. - not just black people. black women. [cheers and applause] did you know 50% more black women voted yesterday than black men? in fact, 98% of black women voted against roy moore. 98%! the only thing 98% of black women agree on is no roy moore, idris elba is fine as hell, and do not get our hair wet. [laughter] so this happened because of us: black women. - wow. um... [cheers and applause] but you say, uh... - [mouthing words] - you say--you say "us," but did you-- did you vote in alabama? - no, i didn't. but do you have another black woman on this show you can thank? [laughter]

so on behalf of all black women... i'm taking a victory lap-- you know, but these titties don't run. - and--and you know what, dulcé? people are saying thank you to black women. you know, online. you saw it. it must be nice to see black women's contributions finally recognized. - yes! yes, it is! we've been through so much! and you're welcome, white people, you're welcome. but let's be honest. we didn't do it for you. we did it for ourselves. no black woman casts her vote going, "this one's for scott!" [bleep] scott. - [laughs] - so if you really wanna thank us, how about y'all change the laws to make it easier for us to vote? or sing our praises by giving us raises. or, at the very least, cancel winter. you know only white people like snow. - those are-- those are fair points, dulcé. so, you know what, let's move on and analyze last night's election. - analyze? [stammers] uh, no. black women don't have time to analyze. we gotta get more shit done.

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[cheers and applause] - good evening. i'm dulcé sloan. - and i'm desi lydic. tonight, the story of willie mae "big mama" thornton, a trailblazer whose trail was left brutally un-blazed. - what? - it's the story of a forgotten woman, never given her due. - why didn't you just say that the first time? - i don't know. growing up near montgomery, alabama, willie mae always had a passion for singing. - ♪ i love to sing ♪ i love to sing - at the young age of 15, she won a singing contest... - ooh! [giggles] - and eventually signed a record deal. - but one day, her life changed forever when she was approached by some writers with a little song you may know called "hound dog." - i need for it to be raunchier. you know? like, uh... like, something in the-- if you could shimmy your breasts, maybe. one or the other.

preferably both at the same time. - but she had her own style in mind. or... what if i did it this way? just... ♪ you ain't nothing but a hound dog ♪ ♪ just snoopin' 'round my door ♪ - god damn. [sniffles] that is so beautiful. - thank you, white man. thank you. - willie mae's soulful rendition of "hound dog" told the story of a good-for-nothing man who wants to be taken care of. it was like the great-grandmother of "no scrubs." - see, a scrub is a guy who thinks he's sly, and-- - if i know, i think everyone knows. - in 1953, big mama thornton's "hound dog" reached number one on the r and b chart. but it never crossed over to the pop chart because it was seen as a "race record," which is a not-so-not-racist way of saying "black music." - willie mae was shafted, but what she didn't know was that there was an even bigger shaft headed her way.

- and not the good kind. see, even though mainstream society wasn't quite ready to embrace this sound in this package... - a few years later, her precious, soulful "hound dog" found a new owner: a rising talent who was introduced to the song by a vegas lounge act and decided to put his own spin on it. ♪ you ain't nothing but a hound dog ♪ ♪ cryin' all the time what a cool song about dogs, huh? [fans screaming] - by the way, that really happened. - look at that dog. he's like, "man, why'd you bring me into this shit?" - elvis's version of "hound dog" was a huge smash and completely eclipsed willie mae's version. while elvis didn't steal the song, he did benefit from a system that ensured his music reached a wider audience. - you see, elvis... was a white man. - [quietly] whaaat? elvis went on to become one of the greatest icons of all time, but despite it all, willie mae never lost her gift for expressing emotion in song. - ♪ this is some bullshit

♪ some real, real bullshit [fans screaming] y'all want him to sing that to a dog too? ole jumpsuit-wearing, hip-swiveling mother-- - [bleep]. willie mae thornton was a talented artist who launched an iconic song, only to have her legacy washed away. but we remember her, and you can't wash this away. go ahead, dulcé. show 'em yours. - uh, i told you i wasn't doing that. you know, she had too many names. that's all for this week. tune in next time to hear about a woman so talented, so promising, her vagina almost didn't get in the way. - almost. [dramatic music] [bass-heavy rock music] ♪ - well, for years, 911's been handling calls that, it turns out, aren't actual emergencies. - so we came up with a program to help white people decide if their emergency was an actual emergency.

we hired a black operator. - 911. what's your emergency? - i'm on the train, and these black people are talking, and it's loud and i think there could be a fight. - okay, sir, so let me get this straight. you called 911 because black people were talking loud? - uh, yeah, i--i guess. - okay, good. here's what i need you to do. stand up, walk to the window, and throw your bitch ass off that train. - no, he's just walking down the sidewalk, but it feels threatening. - [clicks tongue] girl, bye. - is she a bit unorthodox? yes. but it's been efficient, and she's almost entirely professional. almost. - so you're saying he's a 6'4" african-american male, broad shoulders, driving a benz? i need you to look closely at him. is he wearing a wedding ring? - uh, no. - stay right there. i'm on my way. hold on, girl.

♪

♪ - yesterday-- yesterday, we learned that in january, o'reilly had to pay $32 million of his own money to settle a sexual harassment suit. but according to o'reilly, it's not what it looks like. - bill o'reilly going on offense, defending himself in the wake of new bombshells tied to the sexual harassment allegations he's faced. - you know...am i mad at god? yeah, i'm mad at him. i wish i had more protection. i wish this stuff didn't happen. i can't explain it to you. yeah, i'm mad at him. - wow. he's mad at god?

[chuckling] he's mad at god for not protecting him? this is one of those times that i wish we could hear what god has to say. [thunder rumbles] [heavenly chorus sings] oh, wow! [cheers and applause] - muah! muah! - whoa! it's god, everybody! it's god! ladies and gentlemen, it's god. i can't believe this! - hello! - ladies and gentlemen, give it up for god. [cheers and applause] - i came to talk about why bill o'reilly and why he dragged my ass into his drama. - what do you mean, why he dragged your ass. you--you're saying you had nothing to do with what happened to bill o'reilly? - yeah. in fact, i've had nothing to do with humans-- any of y'all, basically-- since, uh, the "titanic." - the "titanic"? - yeah, that-- that was on me. uh... they were bragging about it like,

"god himself could not sink this ship." and i was like, "oh! what about these icebergs, though?" [cheers and applause] huh? you want water? how about some frozen water, bitch? let's go! so i decided to step away from the game for a while. - i--i get it. you felt bad. [stammers] but if you stepped away, then what brings you back? - i came down to tell bill o'reilly to keep my name out of his mouth! [cheers and applause] do it! bill o'reilly did this to himself, and now he's mad at me? hasn't this cooch monster ever heard of personal responsibility? ugh! creepy old man.