hot tea with lemon and codeine? - [sniffling] okay. i just want hot tea and codeine, no lemon! - okay, hon! [doorbell rings] - hello. how would you like to know the truth? - the [bleep] are you talking about, butters? - it's time to let go, eric. don't you see there's no other way? just let the government into your heart. - it's too late for me, butters. i have to go to russia and live with the commie dwarves. - it's never too late. there's a place where you can start over. - what's this? - your government doesn't listen in on you to punish you. your government just wants you to be honest about your mistakes. - i can be forgiven? - yes! - for everything bad i've ever done? - yes! - and then all i have to do is go back to this place every time i do something wrong and admit it, and i'm forgiven again? - that's right. - [sniffles] that's pretty cool.

[upbeat electronic organ music] - we've got a new member today! [rhythmic clapping] eric cartman, do you love your country? - i do! i love my country! - do you pledge allegiance to the flag? - i pledge it! i pledge that [bleep] allegiance! - hallelujah! all: yay! - you want us to kick 'em out of here, lar? - no. no, leave them alone. it's a nice change to see people happy at the dmv. perhaps we here at the dmv can start changing as well. perhaps instead of treating people badly, we can offer them comfort and hope. why, the dmv can be a place where people come to get things off their chest, confess, yes, but also be told that they're worth something in this world. and then dmvs everywhere can become a place where people feel safe. and when they do something wrong, we can offer forgiveness. don't you see what this could lead to? don't you see what we could become? - the dmv was shut down today after rampant allegations of sex with young boys. the heads of the dmv were arrested,

and the director stated, "hey, it came with the territory." with the dmv shut down, americans have been asked to confess all wrongdoings at their nearest post office. we've just received word that the u.s. postal service has been shut down due to rampant allegations of sex with young boys. it now appears that the only people who can be trusted with confessions and guidance is your local news station. wmz news will be back in... a young boy. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! i'm trevor noah! take a seat!

you guys are wonderful! take a seat! let's get to it! our guest tonight, rapper, entrepreneur and activist t.i. is here! ( cheers and applause ) he's here to chat about his new show on b.e.t. called "the grand hustle." first, let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick it off with sexual harassment. >> a georgia waitress took matters into her own hands when a man groped her. surveillance video shows the man walked by amelia and inappropriately touched her, you see it right there. the 21-year-old turns around, grabbed him with the back of the shirt and slammed him against the wall. turns out the man was at the restaurant for a date with the mother of his two children. >> trevor: that's amazing on so many levels. what's crazy, for a split second, he probably thought the ass grab was being

reciprocated -- oh, yeah -- oh, no! ( laughter ) what the man did was absolutely disgusting. why would he grab that woman like that when he has a perfectly good ass on his face? why? i'm glad the waitress amelia slammed the guy. her technique is flawless. i hope they make it a move in the next mortal combat. >> finish him! >> aaahhh! >> time's up! >> trevor: my hero! ( applause ) other news, a big release from r. kelly today, and it's not the women in his basement, but a 19-minute song entitled "i admit," where he defends himself against sexual allegations. and, in my opinion, if you need 19 minutes to explain yourself, you probably did it. ( laughter ) it is pretty clever. the song is so long that by the time you're done listening all

his victims will be legal age. ( audience reacts ) speaking of new illegal, there's a new way to get guns in america. >> in a matter of days posting blueprints for 3-d printed guns will be allowed on the internet. the federal government recently settled a case to allow gun rights activist to post blueprints for "ghost guns" online august 1. senate minority leader chuck schumer said these plans could allow any tech savvy person to create an ar-15 style gun at home with no permit or background check. >> trevor: but think of the comedy gold, huh? someone's going to get in a fight and say, what did you say? i'm going to shoot you, man! hold on, let me print this -- hold on, i'm gonna -- hold on -- wait, wait -- download the drivers -- can you help me with this? says error -- yeah, i know we're enemies but help me figure this out. ( laughter ) that's they said license. now the big news.

ever since vladimir putin an exed president trump's balls in helsinki, president trump has been having a rough time back home. half of america thinks-acted trees now with putin. some republicans say he's being manipulated and last week paul ryan fur rowed his brow extra hard, so you know he means business ( laughter ) so things weren't going well and this now broke. >> the potential bombshell involving president trump and long-time personal attorney. >> the president's long time lawyer fixer michael cohen secret record add conversation are candidate trump about karen mcdougall saying he had an affair with her. cohen a year ago who said he would take a bullet for mr. trump now says he puts family and country first. ( applause ) >> trevor: yo, it's funny how everyone says they're willing to take a bullet for you until

there's an actual bullet to take. no, i will take it like a courier from one place to another. you thought i was going to get shot? i'm your lawyer! we don't even hang out, dude! ( laughter ) what we know is michael cohen taped himself and donald trump talking about paying off a playboy mod fortunately an affair, a perfect audio book for america's road trip to hell. i'm surprised cohen was secretly recording trump. he doesn't look smart enough to work a tape recorder, right in he doesn't even have that kind of face. it's like if you came home and caught your golden retriever rifling through your w-2s. back down, those are private! ( laughter ) obviously, if cohen was secretly taping his conversations with president trump, that could be a huge deal, although the president wants you to know that he has nothing to hide. >> president trump took to twitter this morning weighing in on reports that his former personal attorney michael cohen secretly recorded conversations with him.

the president said it's inconceivable that the government would break into a lawyer's office, then went on and called such taping totally unheard of and perhaps illegal. he ended by saying, "the good news is that your favorite president did nothing wrong." ( laughter ) >> trevor: my favorite president? why would he bring up martin van buren? ( laughter ) ( applause ) he has done nothing wrong. nothing at all. ( applause ) and you know what's funny about this story is that all of last week, trump was, like, russia never could have taped me without me knowing, i'm too smart. and now he's like, whoops! my own lawyer taped me without he knowing! honestly, at this point, it would be weird if russia didn't have black mail material on trump because everyone seems to have black mail material on president trump. michael cohen has tapes, access hollywood has tapes, howard stern has tapes, even eric has

tapes. ( laughter ) it's true, his most prized possession is a voicemail his dad left him during a butt dial. ( audience reacts ) your heart, you're like, oh, oh, oh! ( applause ) so michael cohen's secret tape was already bad news for trump, but then he got even worse news. the f.b.i. released documents showing they had good reasons to get a wiretap on trump's former campaign aid carter page, in other words not a witch hunt or, as trump put it, total witch hunt. >> the president, without evidence, insist the documents vindicate his claim that the russia probe is a partisan witch hasn't, tweeting, looking more and more like the trump campaign for president was illegally being spied upon for the political gain of crooked hillary clinton. >> but even some in the president's own party say the documents don't show miss conduct in the investigation. >> i have a different view on it. i don't think it's part of a broader plot. the only plot here is the plot

to interfere in our elections by the russians. >> trevor: it's amazing how trump holds up something that doesn't vindicate him at all and with complete confident claim it does. like if trump tried on a bloody glove and it fit, he'd roll with it -- these are my gloves! nobody with gloves this nice would commit 34urder, folks! the defense rests! i'm going home! ( laughter ) >> trevor: so right now trump is in a bad way. they found his lawyer's secret tapes and turns out the f.b.i. did have a valid reason to investigate his people, plus the president just saw this video of a waitress body slamming a customer. he's having a hard time. late last night trump grabbed his tweet box and created a problem for all of us. >> breaking news -- overnight, the president threatening war with iran. language that raises new concerns. >> president trump fired off this threat -- to iranian

president rouhani, never ever threaten the united states again or you will suffer consciences, the likes of which few throughout history have ever suffered before ." >> he was in all caps which means he was yelling back at iran. >> trevor: what? why is he explaining caps lock? ( laughter ) to fox viewers? oh, they near to amish. like, come on. he's now, like, there's also a yellow face with a smile on it. it's not a real person -- that's a -- ( laughter ) yeah, but president trump has made an all-caps threat to destroy another country. and, remember, this is the same way he threatened fire and fury on north korea and six months later totally caved to kim jong un. yeah, so there's a good chance that in a few months we'll see trump saluting iran and america will be under sharia law. he would be, like, i gave iran everything they wanted folks and now there will be peace in

shala! ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's either that or america is head ford a war. but the good news is, you stop thinking about michael cohen and russia. so mission accomplished. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) fwhat is yourl online banking password? [audience gasping]

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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." the sun is out, and summer sports are in full swing, which

means it's time for another edition of i apologize for talking while you were talking. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> ah, yeah, welcome back, sports fans! i'm roy wood, jr. my usual partner michael kosta is out this week, but all good, i've got ronny chieng with me and he is psyched to talk baseball, aren't you, ronny? >> i hate baseball. ( laughter ) >> trevor: that's the spirit. you know -- >> that's the spirit, baseball is america's national pastime. >> really? i thought it was racism. >> lucky for you, this week's big story has both. >> pitcher josh haider made his first pitch on the mound for the brewers since saturday since controversial tweets from when he was 17 resurfaced last week. after giving an apology for the racially charged comments on

friday, he was warmly greeted with fans saturday a, in a pitch he was pitching in the top of the seventh inning against the dodgers. >> josh haired, busted for racist tweets apologizes and now the milwaukee fans are showing forgive necessary. >> i don't know, man, it kind of looks like some people are clapping for the racism. >> okay, well, we don't know. let's just be honest. we don't know why they were lapping. sometimes you just join in on something because everyone else is doing it, like the wave or co-wain. >> what?! no, who's doing the wave? ( laughter ) i think they let him off easy because he can throw a ball really fast. >> that's how sports work! the better you are, the more shit you can get away. with josh haider is an all-star which means he can bounce bad from bad tweets. >> shack was so good he got away with kazam!

hall of fame! >> hang on! so you would be okay if lebron james went around punching babies? >> up to three babies, i would be fine with that. ( laughter ) let's move on to a lighter story. >> millennialial night was the talk of down in river weak stadium in montgomery. you might remember us telling you some of the backlash this promotion got on smeed yanchts the first 100 fans through the gate received a participation ribbon just for showing up with super food options such as avocados and self-y stations, and as if that wasn't enough, they provided nap pods for sleepy fans. ( laughter ) >> oh, man! selfie stations, you've got to admit, ronny, this baseball team really stuck it to those millennials. >> no, they didn't, they accidentally made baseball a thousand times better! yeah, i get to eat avocados and stake a nap?

( laughter ) and also, that wasn't a real millennialial experience, okay? if it was, the fans would have left if game with $100,000 in student debt. ( cheers and applause ) >> but rest well, millennials, you aren't the young people having problems at baseball games. >> when it comes to baseball etiquette one chicago fan strikes out. watch the coach throw the ball to the kid. the ball rolls back and the man scoops it up and hands it to the woman next to him. >> what?! >> the kit watches as the adult continues to gloat. >> no, pro tip, if you want a ball, you don't steal it from a kid, you go to wal-mart and steal it like a goddam adult! ( laughter ) this story makes me so mad! >> it just proves how boring baseball is. the most interesting thing is a ball that went out of bounds.

>> ronny, no matter what you think of baseball, we can both agree, this guy is an asshole! >> no, that video is totally out of context. dead spin reporter, that guy everyone hates actually gave that same kid a ball earlier. >> well, but, still, the kid could have had a second ball now he's only got one ball. he's walking around like lance armstrong. i don't like that guy. he's got two balls. >> that guy only took the second ball so he could give it to another kid, so not only is he not only an asshole he's like baseball jesus. he gives to children and we crucified him for it. all we have to do is wait for the whole story. isn't sports more fun when you wait five minutes for all the facts to make an informed decision instead of reacting to everything with blind passion?! >> thank you so much for coming in. ( laughter ) my real part mer michael kosta will be back next week. >> thank god! >> trevor: ronny chieng, roy wood, jr., everybody! we'll be right back!

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! my guest tonight is a grammy award winning rapper, actor and entrepreneur who has a new b.e.t. show called "the grand hustle." >> i have a question -- who in the hell decided to go with sentiment? who decided to turn down the opportunity to make money? >> i would have to say kayla. >> i'll take responsibility. >> you have to be held accountable for that. >> i have to be held accountable, but there is no price on knowledge, so for

someone to pick up this book and say, hey, this means something to me, i want to give you this knowledge and hopefully it will work for you -- >> please... >> trevor: please welcome tip "t.i." harris! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: what's going on? >> i can't complain. what's up? >> trevor: good to have you back on the show looking sharp as always. back with a brand-new show "the grand hustle." i've seen a show where people have to compete to try to get a job on tv, but this show was different because it's people competing with street knowledge versus business knowledge. >> right. >> trevor: what do you think is more important? >> you know, it's a social experiment. i think that's what the show is for so we can actually answer the age-old question, which education is more valuable, school of hard knocks or institutions. >> trevor: right. you had both, though. i mean, you're someone who had a

hard knock life growing up. >> sure. >> trevor: went to prison, came out and started a life -- >> with a g.e.td., i might add. >> trevor: with a g.e.d. ( cheers and applause ) for real, we always have the discussions with people, what's more important the street smarts or the book supermarkets and you are somebody who has genuinely used both in life. >> i have. >> trevor: when you look at it now as a successful businessman, what do you think you use more or is it equal? >> well, it depends on what area of business i'm operating within. i think that, in entertainment or in music, i definitely use more street smarts. >> trevor: right. >> then, when you go into other areas, i think that's when the book smarts come in handy. >> trevor: right. >> street smarts don't read contracts. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> trevor: you need to put that on a t-shirt, street smarts don't read contracts.

you celebrating 15 years -- the 15-year anniversary of trap music. >> yes, aim. well, we all are. >> trevor: everyone. >> it's the music -- >> trevor: there is five people that say i don't know what trap music is. ( laughter ) that's fine. but it's a genre that defiance hip-hop today and you look at the stars and people credit many like yourselves as the forefathers of trap music. you're releasing a new album. i love how you described it. you said this is going to be the ted talk of trap music, explaining the genre. what does that mean? >> well, when trap music was introduced to the world in 2003 on august 19th when i released my second album -- ( laughter ) -- you know, it was really inspired by activities that we engaged in due to a lack of options in the underserved areas of community. and, you know, just as we always

have, we have taken what the devil meant for bad and had god use it for good, and we took those experiences, set them to music, and turned them into a commerce that allowed us to change our lives and our families' lives forever, and i bet they didn't see that coming -- ha! ( applause ) >> trevor: i know what i didn't see coming was the way you used the money. so i've always grown up seeing hip-hop as an avenue for expressing wealth. >> mm-hmm. >> trevor: but what was really interesting was the path you took. you started making money, then you had a conversation, i believe it was with your uncle, and said, hey, let's grow this money, let's do something with it. >> no, it wasn't a conversation. it was a demand. my uncle told me to give it to him. >> trevor: he said give me the money? >> yeah, give me the money, before you spend it, give it to me. >> trevor: right. >> i kind of gave it to him, you know, and didn't really think anything else of it. in a couple of months, he drove me down the street in our

neighborhood and showed me a house that aicsly used to sell crack out of, you know, and it was rehabbed and had a family living in it, and he said, that's ours, we did that. i said, what? for real? he said, yeah, and we're going to get two more, and then four more, and so on and so forth. we ended up doing about 65 homes before it was over with. ( applause ) >> trevor: we've seen t.i. move seamlessly from movies to acting to business to real estate to television shows. do you see yourself one day getting into politics, you're really passionate about it. >> yeah, i'm passionate about being a voice for the voiceless. i want to help those who need the help the most, but i don't want to be in politics. ( laughter ) no, i don't think that -- no. >> trevor: and that's what will make you a great