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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  July 27, 2018 1:40am-2:10am PDT

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we don't want to go to the stores. we want stuff sent to us. yeah, but we have a self-driving car. i've already got one, called uber. i sit in the back and don't touch the steering wheel at all. it's like if amazon rolled out prime but in reverse. it's great, you get in a box and amazon ships you to its storage facilities and you pick up your own stuff! yeah! let's move on to the main story. look, it's no secret that we at "the daily show" haven't been the biggest fans of president trump. i know, shocking. for instance, we've even regularly reminded our audience that donald trump is sexually attracted to his daughter. don't forget, donald trump wants the bang his daughter. ( laughter ) but we've stopped doing that. ( laughter ) because, you see this, morning, i realize that i have become a trump hater. yeah. which had blinded me to how much
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good trump actually is for this country, and, no, i haven't lost my mind. i've opened it. i've seen that donald trump is fixing america's problems. every day this week, he's done something great. yeah, it started on tuesday when he saved the farming industry. >> the trump administration is giving $12 billion in emergency aid to farmers. >> a new temporary $12 billion program is set to launch around labor day, meant to offset the estimated $11 billion in losses farmers face. the goal of this one-time aid package, to tied farmers over until the u.s. can negotiate better trade deals with other countries. >> the farmers will be the biggest beneficiary. watch. we're opening up markets. you watch what's going to happen. just be a little patient. >> trevor: yes! donald trump, saving the farmers, baby! inside note, mr. president -- you don't need to tell farmers to be patient. these people wait six months for a carrot to grow.
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i think they've got the patience on lock. they know how to be patient. you guys need to be patient. no, no, they got that dornghts worry. but great job, mr. president, you saved farmers from the trade war. i don't know who started the trade war. i guess we'll never know who that was. ( laughter ) the point is trump is fixing problems, and that was just taco tuesday. on weiner wednesday, trump fixed an even bigger problem. >> together in the rose garden, president trump and european commission president announced a wide-ranging agreement meant to stave off further hostilities between the u.s. and europe. >> if we team up, we can make our planet a better, more secure and prosperous place. >> trevor: this man is a visionary! can you imagine a world where one day america and europe can work together? that is insane! that would be like peanut butter and jelly in the same sandwich! europe and america? whoever thought we would see something like this in our
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lifetimes? you realize just two and a half weeks ago a major world leader declared europe one of america's biggest enemies, but who that leader is will be a mystery forever. so, i mean, we don't know how we got here. the point is trump fixed it, my friends! even you haters out there have to be impressed by that turnaround. in fact, i haven't seen something that miraculous since i got an or owe with twice as much filling as a regular or owe. some people said that's just a double-stuffed oreo but i'm just jealous, i know what jesus did for me. ( laughter ) if you don't believe in this great leader's ability to mend what was once broken, maybe this will open your eyes. >> homeland security secretary kirsten nielsen say the government will meet today's deadline to reunite all children and parents separated at the border. >> trevor: move over thai track team who takes weird field
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trips, it's all thanks to the commander-in-chief! so amazing! all migrant children torn away from families at the border will be reunited, except or the hundreds of kids who won't be reunited. yeah, but i don't think we should focus on the numbers when we're talking. i believe the children are the future, and teach them well and something something something something -- ( laughter ) and i know there are naysayers out there who will be, like, but who took these kids away from their parents in the first place? who cares? that only matters if you're trying to prevent that from happening again. the point is that trump fixed it! he's reunited more families than maury povich! in one weeks president trump saved the farmers, made peace with your and freed the children. we can spend forever trying to figure out which 45t 45th president hurt the farmers, an tag advertised europe and kidnapped the children to begin with. but that's not the point!
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( laughter ) the point is president trump can fix any problem just as long as he created it. we'll be right back ( cheers and applause ) wouldn't it be great to have epix?
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i want all of it. open this. you'd laugh. you'd cry. don't you think i had dreams and hopes. what about my life? what about me? maybe even laugh while crying. so you know, even if you're a psychopath, it touches your heart. sounds pretty great, right?" we're on to something. come on.
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and the best part is it's easy to upgrade. just say, "add epix." epix has a whole lot more. whoa! ugggh... hi bixby, do i have any eggs? yes, they expire in 7 days. hi bixby. hi bixby. hi bixby. start dinnertime mode now! ♪ pieces or cups?
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pieces or cups? pieces or cups? pieces in cups! man, we're killing it over here, huh? not sorry. reese's. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." ( applause ) you know how the past few years people have been saying the world is on fire? well, turns out it actually is. >> global temperatures reached extreme highs this past week. something scientists have been warning of as part of the
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effects of climate change. this map from the university of maine shows maximum temperatures around the globe yesterday. >> trevor: look at that map, people. look at that. we've made the world so hot that it looks like the earth got its s.t.d. results back and it's got all of them. ( laughter ) why don't you use condoms, earth, why? because they choke turtles? oh, i get it. i get it. we have been hearing about global warming for a while, but when you see the numbers, you realize it's no joke. >> in denver, the city tied it's record all-time high of 105 degrees on june 28th. a new world record was set in the middle east last week. along the coast of oman, the temperature never developed below 108.7 in 24 hours. in glasgow scotland, a record breaking 89.4 on june 28, more than the usual mild summer temperature. >> trevor: there is no way to
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escape the heat, even scottland is feeling it. i know 90 degrees doesn't sound that bad, but we're talking about scottish people here. right? they're not built for that much sun. when you have skin that pale, even sunscreen cannot help you! ( laughter ) you put it on and the sunscreen is, like, i can't do everything, man! you got to do something. i need your skin to do some of the work. i can't be spf everything, this is insane! ( laughter ) turns out climate change is making humans worse. >> climate change poses a huge threat to national security, this according to a new pentagon report. >> in our defense strategy we refer to climate change as a threat multiplier because it has potential to exacerbate many of the challenges we are dealing with today from infectious disease to terrorism. >> trevor: yeah, that's right. more climate change means more terrorism. i wouldn't be surprised if i.s.i.s. starts working this into their recruitment videos. >> if you join us, you will die
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a glorious death against the western infidels. also, we have air conditioning! i.s.i.s., terrorism's never been so cool. >> trevor: makes you want to join i.s.i.s., right? ( laughter ) yeah, and the hotter it gets, the worse the world's problems will be. so, no surprise, countries like japan are doing anything they can to cool things down. >> two years to go until the tock owe olympics in 2020, but, as the city continues its countdown to the event there's a rising concern it will be too hot to host the biggest sporting event on the planet. >> they are doing a few things. they are going to paint the streets white to make the sun bounce back and not heat up the ground. >> trevor: you see now, there's a solution. painting the streets white. all right, although that might cause more problems because now the road will cause so much glare you can't see when you drive, so they will fix the
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glare by covering the road with giant sunglasses. now japan will have to invent hover cars to not break the glass, but that will upset the birds, wake up godzilla and he will see the olympics are in tokyo and he will be i want to compete! japan will say, no, humans only. oh, you're discriminating against me? then they will have a nasty lawsuit. i might have smoked weed before i started this story -- ( laughter ) the point is, there's a sliewfntle at least japan is trying to fix the problem. i think we should be trying, too. before the weed wears off, here's some ideas. number one, the color white reflects sunlight away from the earth. from now on when the sun is at its hottest, all the white people you go outside, all right? and then you bend the sunlight back to the sun! then all black people will just stay inside and you can tell us how it went.
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( laughter ) another idea, sea levels are rising. we've got to stop that. one day a year, everyone on weather go to the beach and drink a giant cup of seawater. don't tell me that's gross. if people can drink combucca, you think drink seawater. we have to keep the iceberg from melting. give every iceberg a desk job because american offices always have the air conditioning on way too high, nothing can melt in there! ( cheers and applause ) even the iceberg will be, like, does anyone have a jacket i can borrow? i'm freezing my nuts off in here. ( laughter ) we could also try and regulate global carbon emissions and accept some economic pain in the short term to protect the future to have plan net the long term. no, that's crazy. grab a cup. i'll see you guys at the beach. we'll be right back ( cheers and applause )
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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! my guest tonight is the 28-year-old progressive activist who defeated a ten-term congressman -- the fourth-ranking democrat in the house -- in the democratic primary for new york's 14th congressional district. please welcome house democratic nominee alexandria ocasio-cortez. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> wow! wow! >> trevor: welcome to the show! >> thank you! >> trevor: congratulations on being the nominee and, more importantly, congratulations on being both the dream of half the country and a nightmare of another half. ( laughter ) >> i'll take it. i'll take it. >> trevor: you seem like you have been taking it. the term "democratic socialist" has never felt like it has more weight to it than now. we hear your name on the news every single day. when you use that term, what do you want people to understand by
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it? >> well, i think what i want people to understand is that we live in a society that is capable. we are capable of ensuring that we have basic frameworks where people can be covered by health insurance, can send their kids to college, where we can pursue a very bold action on climate change and save our future, and that is part of a moral and ethical economy, and that we can legislate from that value and where it is possible i believe we are morally obliged to pursue it. >> trevor: when you look at the power of labels, in politics you understand how powerful a label can be that's attached to your name or an idea. do you ever interest consider taking "socialist" out of your labor? i ask this as an argument i saw, an interesting idea, that say millennials in this generation haven't been indoctrinated in the same way against socialism as the older generation has. i wonder if alexandria ocasio-cortez would say i don't mind not being called a
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socialist but these are still my platform ideas, you do you feel you able to run on the platform and say you are who you are? which way do you prefer to go? >> i think my strength is i'm honest and authentic, and i think even republicans write letters to our campaign saying thank you, and one of the reasons they do that, a, is because getting money out of politics is a bipartisan and post partisan issue. >> trevor: right. >> everybody recognizes it's a problem. but, then, b, i think people appreciate that i am honest and that i'm not trying to not be who i am in order to get you to like me, you know? >> trevor: right. >> you know, i'm here, this is what it's about, medicare for all, tuition-free public college, a green deal, that's what i campaigned as. it's also important to say that this socialist label is something i think the media cares more about, because i don't knock on a person's door and say, hey!
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let me tell you about socialism! that's not how i campaign. >> trevor: that's like jehovah's witnesses. >> exactly, exactly. and i also think that i don't knock on a person's door and say, hey, let me tell you about being a democrat. no, i don't say that. i speak to people's needs. and, you know, if fox news and if media want to continue using this word, they're going to use the word. >> trevor: right. >> i think by me saying, oh, no, i'm not, this, that and the other, it just becomes a distraction. we're here to talk about wages, we're hear to talk about taxes we're hear to talk about saving our bland et, saving the planet, a carbon tax, people paying their fair share and saving the country, frankly. >> trevor: right. ( applause ) before i let you go, then, that is one of the key things that i want to speak to you about, then, is those ideas, i think most people would agree on,
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especially if they don't know the label that they are attached to, you know? >> right. >> trevor: but then, the pragmatic side of it comes in, as you said. how do you pay for these? you always see people coming in with economic arguments, and they say, look, these numbers don't really add up. you know, in order to get healthcare for everybody, this is what it would cost. that is going to be troubling. even if you reverse the tax deal, that's only 5% of what we need to pay for medicare. how do you pay for education and all these ideas? >> this is an excellent, excellent question. there's a lot of the back-of-the-envelope stuff based on our values. i sat down with a nobel prize economist last week -- i can't believe i can say that, it's really weird -- ( laughter ) -- but one of the things we saw is, if people pay their fair share, if corporations and the ultra wealthy -- for example, as warren buffett likes to say, if he pays as much as his secretary pays, 15% tax rate, if
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corporations paid -- if we reverse the tax bill, raise our corporate tax rate to 28%, which is not even as high as it was before, if we do those two things and close some of those loopholes, that's $2 trillion right there. that's $2 trillion in ten years, and it's one of the wide estimates is that it's going to take $3 trillion to $4 trillion to transition us to 100% renewable economy. so we have $2 trillion from folks paying their fair share which they weren't paying before the trump tax bill. they weren't paying that before the trump tax bill. if we get people to pay their fair share, that's $2 trillion in ten years. if we implement a carbon tax on top of that to transition and incentivize people away from fossil fuels, the we implement a carb tax, an additional amount, a large amount of revenue that we can have.
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then the last key, which is extremely important is riprioritization. just last year we gave the military a $700 billion budget increase, which they didn't even ask for! they're, like, we don't want another fighter jet! they're, like, don't give us another nuclear bomb, you know? >> trevor: right. >> they didn't even ask for it and we gave it to them. so a lot of what we need to do reprioritize what we want accomplish as a nation. really what this is about is saying healthcare is important enough for us to put first. education is important enough for us to put first. that is a decision that requires political and moral courage from both parts of the aisle, period. ( applause ) >> trevor: thank you so much for being on the show. alexandria ocasio-cortez, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ vor: that's our show for
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tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. here it is, your moment of zen. >> i have to say because there are a lot of farmers in this place, we had this hat made up. it's the john deere colors, actually, but make our farmers great again. isn't that great? ♪ green acres is the place to be ♪ ♪ farm living is the life for me ♪ ( cheers and applause ) [quirky music] - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting howdy neighbor ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind - ♪ [muffled]
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- ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ - ♪ [muffled] big fto keep my father from exposing the truth... they! about nacho fries. rebellion is forming. flip the switch. is there anything that tastes better than this? revenge. the future is nacho fries! looks like you guys could use a hand! bong! sometimes a day at the ballpark
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i want all of it. great to have epix? open this. you'd laugh. you'd cry. don't you think i had dreams and hopes. what about my life? what about me? maybe even laugh while crying. so you know, even if you're a psychopath, it touches your heart. sounds pretty great, right?" we're on to something. come on. and the best part is it's easy to upgrade. just say, "add epix." epix has a whole lot more. whoa!
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