ne said ♪ ♪ that i had to make a switch ♪ ♪ now i know that i'm a gay fish ♪ gay fish, yo. i'm a fish, yo. ♪ now i'm where i belong, girl ♪ ♪ makin' love to other gay fish ♪ [patriotic music] - from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show with trevor noah" presents... [carefree music] [brash hip-hop music] "discrimi-nation." [brash hip-hop continues] - there is a firestorm tonight over what happened three days ago at a starbucks in philadelphia where the police were called in and two black men were arrested. - this video, captured by a witness' cell phone, shows police talking and later handcuffing the men while they were waiting for a friend. - how crazy is this? two men arrested for waiting to meet someone at starbucks. you see, this--this here, this is why black people should always show up late.

yeah. if you're early, it's loitering. for our safety, black people, we show up late everywhere we go. in fact, maybe-- this got me thinking. maybe it's not true that black people are never on time; it's just that we only know about the ones who show up late because all the early ones got taken away. maybe that's what it is. and i know, i know. i know there were some people saying, "well, why were these guys in starbucks doing nothing, huh? why?" well, because that's what starbucks is for. everyone is doing nothing. everyone. starbucks--starbucks is basically a bus station with espresso machines. that's all it is. in fact, the only mistake these black guys made was not using the tactics of the white man. that's all they did. yeah. when the manager accused them of doing nothing, they should have replied, "uh, "actually, i'm writing a screenplay. that's what i'm doing." but look. if i can get serious for just a minute here, i will say this. like, do you have any idea what it does to a person's dignity to be arrested

by bike cops. huh? think about this. think about this. someone calls the cops on you, and instead of driving up with sirens wailing, all badass, they're like-- [mimics bells dinging] and how do they even get you back to the station? huh? do they throw you on the back of a bicycle built for two? and now--now you're in custody but you have to help them pedal? you're just there at the back like, "man, this some bullshit, man. "this some bullshit. "we look adorable, though. we look adorable." but for real, though. for real, though. america clearly has a problem with policing and black people. on the one hand, you have people calling the police because they see black people as inherently threatening. and then you have police who only know how to respond

to a call with an arrest or violence. so the question is, what do we do? do we fix society or do we try and fix the police? - well, the coffee chain just announced it will be closing more than 8,000 of its stores in the u.s. it's for racial bias training for nearly 175,000 employees. - i'm embarrassed, ashamed. i think what occurred was reprehensible at every single level. i think i take it very personally, as everyone in our company does. and we're committed to making it right. - that was a really great interview. it's just a shame that when it ended, gail king was arrested for not ordering a coffee. no, no, but seriously, though, i want to say props to starbucks, right? as a company, they didn't just apologize; they're actually doing something about it, right? and i think that's a pretty cool thing. and i bet from now on, they're gonna be a lot more careful when it comes to dealing with race. - hello, starbucks employees. i'm here today because you [bleep] up. but that's fine. after today's training, those racial insensitivities

will be a thing of the past. but first, a word to the black employees watching. you good, my dude. take off. y'all ain't gotta watch none of this. we straight. now, for everyone else, we'll be reviewing how to handle some common scenarios that occur inside of a starbucks. when an african-american customer enters your store, there's a right way to greet him and a wrong way. here's some of the wrong ways. - yo, what's up, man? can i get the iced-- - oh, shit, he wearing a bandana. don't kill me! just take the money! [buzzer buzzes] oh, i'm sorry, sir, we are out of grape drink. [buzzer buzzes] now, here's the correct way to greet a black person in your store. hello. [bell dings] let's move on. writing black names on coffee cups. okay, and this venti latte is for... - rushonda. - rushonda. of course. of course.

[buzzer buzzes] here's what he should have done. - it's rushonda. - oh, i'm sorry; i have this disease where i forget how to read. would you mind spelling that for me? - sure. uh, r... - r... - u... - u... [bell dings] finally, let's address one of our more sensitive issues: bathroom access. from time to time, starbucks customers will need to evacuate their bowels. it's a natural part of the coffee process. but we must be sensitive about it. - uh, pardon me. may i get the code to the restroom? - oh, you ain't gonna buy nothing? you ain't get no snack, no nothing. you just think you gonna walk up in here and take a shit for free? ain't nothing in this life for free! you go outside and piss in the gutter. boy, i'll call 911 on your ass before i let you ruin these white folks' toilet with that unemployed piss. [buzzer buzzes] here's a better approach. - hey, pardon me, sir. may i get the code to the restroom? - absolutely. the code is 0115.

it's dr. king's birthday. [bell dings] and there you have it. now you know how to make african-americans feel welcome at starbucks. thanks for watching. and remember: don't be racist. [carefree music] [brash hip-hop music] ♪ music ♪laying ♪ ♪

so this guy brought one to lighten up this watch party. [roar] maybe stick with a tasty oven-baked chip from ritz.

[roar] lighten up your gameday with ritz crisp & thins. [music plays throughout] [music fades out] [patriotic music] [carefree music] [brash hip-hop music] - after the situation at starbucks, we've heard multiple stories about people getting the cops called on them for being black in public. but yesterday's story might be the craziest. - five women claim that they are victims of racial profiling after they say the owners of a pennsylvania golf course asked the group to leave the course.

the women say workers at grand view golf club kicked them out halfway through the game when the workers said that the women were playing too slow. - you know what the problem in america is is that white people call the police like they're asking for the manager. it's like, "this is unacceptable! "unacceptable! "i demand to see someone who might shoot you. come on!" now, luckily in this case, the police handled it correctly, you know, and there were no arrests. in fact, i like to think the police only showed up because they didn't believe that there were five black women playing golf. they were like, "marty, bring the camera. this is gonna be insane." like, i'm glad that nothing happened to the women, but i would like to hear the sports cast for that. if only there was an announcer who was like, "okay, so they're teeing up and, oh, "a race war is breaking out on the fourth hole. "these douche bags have never seen black women before. "oh, the cops have let them go. very nice. very nice." [hip-hop music] - yale university officials say they're deeply troubled

by a racially sensitive incident involving two grad students. lolade siyonbola, who is black, shot video of a white student who'd called campus police on her. siyonbola had fallen asleep in the common room of their building. the other woman thought she was an intruder. - come on, man! this white lady called the cops because she saw a black woman sleeping? sleeping: that's literally the least threatening thing a person can do. i mean, what did she tell the cops? "yeah, i know she's sleeping, "but who knows what she could be dreaming of. "i mean, this could be dangerous. "the last time they had a dream, "we had to let them vote. get over here quick." what--what are you afraid of? and the worst part is, she was sleeping because she was tired because starbucks wouldn't sell her coffee. - this morning, a california woman is facing outrage online after a now viral video shows her allegedly calling police

on an eight-year-old black girl selling bottles of water with her mother on a sidewalk. - she calling police on an eight-year-old little girl. you can hide all you want. - yeah, and um, illegally selling water without a permit? - the woman, identified as alison ettel, now being dubbed on social media as permit patty. - for more on this story, please welcome our very own dulcé sloan, everybody. [cheers and applause] dulcé, another story of a white person calling 911 on a black person doing nothing. what are your thoughts? - [sighs] trevor, i'm so sick of this bullshit. - a lot of people felt that this example was particularly egregious because this woman was calling the cops on a child. - yeah, but what really made me mad is the way she did it. play that video again. - why is she trying to crouch behind a wall like a white privilege ninja?

the hell are you doing? we just saw you. you don't disappear just because you duck down. black people aren't the dinosaurs from "jurassic park." i mean-- [cheers and applause] - now, actually, dulcé, permit patty was interviewed by the "san francisco chronicle," and she said that she didn't actually call the cops. - huh. - yeah. she said she was just pretending to call them. - oh. trevor, that makes it worse. because that means she didn't actually care about the permits. she wanted to scare an eight-year-old black girl into thinking that the cops were coming. she knows black people are afraid of the cops, and she used that as a weapon against them. that's [bleep] up. imagine how white people would feel if black people ran around threatening them with gluten. "eat this biscuit, karen!

karen!" - well-- [laughs] - "get into this biscuit, girl!" - look, i understand why you're upset, dulcé. but i think you'll be glad to know that this story has a happy ending, right? um, this girl was selling water because she was trying to raise money for a trip to disneyland. well, guess what. after black twitter broke the story, somebody bought that girl four tickets to disneyland. yeah. [cheers and applause] - see? ah. look at god. look at god. ah. but whatever she does, she better not try to sell water there. disney don't [bleep] around. mickey protects his corner. - dulcé sloan, everybody! [cheers and applause] we'll be right back. [carefree music] [brash hip-hop music]

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i'm emma. and i'm claire. and we're the salmon sisters. this new surface go is the perfect size. when we're on the boat, i don't have a big desk to use, or a studio table to draw on. having something you can slip in your bag and take with you is really great. nongenemodi... nongen... oh, triscuit! is non-genetically modified. nongenemodiscuit. triscuit is non-gmo project verified. triscuit. make 'scuit happen. i am also not genetically-modified. it's about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. they got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. (chuckling) or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. (laughing) or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. (laughing) left and right twix® packs. it's time to deside. [patriotic music] [carefree music] [brash hip-hop music] - a recent online survey found that

only 8% of american high school seniors could identify slavery as the central cause of the civil war. yeah. and even worse, 10% say the winners of the civil war was captain america. that's scary. and this seems like an insane statistic. but when you see how some schools try and teach slavery, you'll understand why. - a homework assignment given out this week at a charter school in san antonio has set off an uproar. the students were instructed to make a list of the negative and positive aspects of slavery. - this is the paper robert livar's eighth grade son was given to fill out in history class. you can see his son wrote "not applicable" on the side labeled positive aspects and wrote a long list of negative aspects. robert says there's no excuse for this assignment. - okay, first of all, that kid gets an a for life. that was amazing. [cheers and applause] 'cause that-- that assignment is horrible. like, that assignment is so bad it almost seems like a trap to find the racist kids in class.

it's like "okay, kids, what were the positive aspects of slavery?" "i know! cheap labor." "trick question. go to detention, you little grand wizard!" and it gets worse. it gets worse. because these insane lessons on slavery have spread into other subjects somehow. - gwinnett county parents are outraged tonight over third grade math homework. it referenced slaves picking fruit and violent. - one problem said, "each tree had 56 oranges. "if 8 slaves pick them equally, then how much would each slave pick?" then there was another. "if frederick got 2 beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in 1 week?" - okay, okay. first of all, 2 beatings times 7, that's 14 beatings. but secondly, slavery is too serious to just casually drop into math problems. and by the way, i'm not just worried about how inappropriate those questions are. i'm worried about how it's escalating. like, first it's just picking oranges.

next it's beatings. you know, if the next question starts out with "8 men in white robes show up to frederick's house," run! so look. obviously these assignments aren't treating slavery with the weight it deserves. but it turns out some teachers go too far in the opposite direction. - she singled out black students, told them to lie on the floor, and stepped on their backs to show them "how it is to be a slave." - a controversial lesson about slavery has been pulled from a cerritos high school. - a mother complained recently after getting this email. staff would act as slave ship captains, the email described, and the children, slaves. they use masking tape to tie their wrists together, make them lay on the ground, and in a dark room, have them watch a clip from the film "roots." - what the [bleep], people? hey, look. i know-- i know some people say, "trevor, no, these teachers are just trying to be creative in how they teach." and i--i get that. i get that. but here's my question.

how come teachers only seem to get creative like this with slavery, right? it doesn't happen with any other historical subject like-- they're never like, "hey, connor, because you're irish, "i'm gonna take away your lunch so you can learn about the potato famine. they never say that. and then also this thing of, like, justifying bad things in history. you know, you never hear of teachers asking kids to write an essay on why the iceberg was good for the "titanic" or asking for three reasons why those people deserved to be eaten by jeffrey dahmer. like, all i'm saying is, if you're gonna teach slavery that way, teach it all the way. or at the very least, if you're gonna teach slavery this way, end the lesson on a high note. you know, if you tie the kids up and make them watch "roots," then afterwards, they get to watch "django unchained" and whup the teacher's ass. we all know that yesterday, roseanne was fired for tweeting that former obama adviser valerie jarrett was the birth child of the muslim brotherhood and the "planet of the apes." and many people applauded abc for reacting swiftly and canceling "roseanne."

now, roseanne getting fired wasn't a shock, because i mean, let's be honest. comparing a black person to an ape is what i like to call "shit your pants racism," right? it's so obvious. it's obviously bad. you know, like, everyone can smell it. everyone can see it. no one wants to help you clean it up. even the anti-pc brigade agreed roseanne had gone too far. - roseanne barr made some really incendiary, pretty appalling comments on twitter. - the "planet of the apes" was so over the line, there was no getting away from that. the muslim brotherhood, that gets kicked around, but when you combine that with the "planet of the apes," it's just so toxic, it's just-- you can't really ever come back. - yeah. - oh, that's an interesting angle. uh... i love how precise jesse watters gets with this. it's like he's a racism chemist. "look, on its own, muslim brotherhood is harmless. yeah, but anti-- that's a anti-muslim slur, but once you combine it with too much "planet of the apes," it's gonna blow up in your face. trust me, when you've been saying racist shit as long as i have, you get a feel for it, you know? you get a feel. you gotta mix it just right. and what was really fun was watching the people

who tried to argue that roseanne wasn't being racist; she was just sort of generally bad. - we live in a politically correct world right now. we live in a world where it's just not-- it's just plain not nice. it's not nice to say-- - it's not about political correctness. it's racism. - hold on a minute. let her finish. - let's just look at what this was and what she said. the tweet was not nice. it was ugly. it was demeaning. it was gross. and let's just leave it at that. - why? - it was wro-- - why leave it at that? - yeah, why? why leave it at that? "let's just leave it at that." i want that lady to defend me in court. "murder is such a harsh word. "can't we all agree to call it 'making someone go bye-bye'? "huh? "this is such a pc world where no one wants to die anymore, huh?" and seriously, i'm impressed by all of this. it takes a lot of mental strength to say that calling a black woman an ape isn't racist. not everyone can pull it off. - do you think roseanne's a racist? - i don't think so. no. i've seen her show many times

when she was in her previous show. i don't think she's a racist. i think she made some comments that she didn't think about that would come across as sounding racist and indeed, they were. - [laughs] oh, this is--this is magic. it's like his conservative side and his black side were fighting it out in his head. and his black side won at the last minute. "she made some comments that might sound racist "because that shit was racist! "whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." [carefree music] [brash hip-hop music] ♪

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♪ music ♪laying ♪ ♪ [patriotic music] [carefree music] [brash hip-hop music]

- now kanye west is defending himself against, really, the indefensible. he said slavery was a choice. here's the sound. - you hear about slavery for 400 years. for 400 years? that sound like a choice. [chuckles] - [chuckles] [chuckles] [chuckles] just--just me? [chuckles] so kanye west popped up at tmz's offices and decided to freestyle some history lessons. thankfully, tmz staffer van lathan was there to call kanye out in person. - producer van lathan taking west to task about the slavery comment. - while you are making music and being an artist, the rest of us in society have to deal with these threats to our lives. frankly, i'm disappointed, i'm appalled, and, brother, i am unbelievably hurt by the fact that you have morphed into something, to me, that's not real. - wow. that was powerful. that was really, really powerful.

and you know there was one scared white person in that office who was like, "hello, police?" "there's two black people arguing in the office right now." you know, normally i wouldn't really care what kanye west said about slavery or black history, but what does suck is that now every member of the tiki torch club out there is gonna use kanye's words to justify their hate. you know, basically the way kanye samples old-school soul music is how racists are gonna sample him now. they'll be like-- ♪ well, black folks had choices ♪ ♪ like slavery so look. kanye may think he's just being a free thinker. but the truth is, there's nothing good coming out of this, except maybe-- maybe an idea for a new movie. [rousing piano music] - and that servant that don't obey his lord

shall be beaten with many stripes. - ooh! shit! love my job. [rousing piano music continues] choir: ♪ in my life - ♪ in my life hey, y'all ready to pick some cotton? i got donuts! - ♪ lord choir: ♪ i see the light - being a slave is the best choice i ever made. i get to work and have fun in the sun. - master brought you here to work; that's all. any more will earn you 100 lashes. - i may need to talk to hr about that. choir: ♪ you to be - do what you love and you never work a day in your life. - get back to work, boy. - ooh, shit. [carefree music] [brash hip-hop music] - ooh. [coughs] pam? yeah? did you see oprah yesterday? no, i didn't. i, uh... i am going to be a father.

what was oprah about? angelina jolie was on. and she adopted a baby from asia and she said that it changed her life. and that really inspired me. so i want you to look in to see how much a little chinese baby would cost. that's a really big decision. i know. maybe you should wait before you adopt. or not adopt. just do it, okay? roy's sister looked into it. and the application alone costs $1,000. um... find out if there's a cheaper... less expensive baby out there, okay? you know--she also said the waiting list is like eight months. eight months? yeah. i don't even know if i want a baby in eight months. probably won't. [exhales] you know, pam, if in ten years... i haven't had a baby, and you haven't had a baby... no, michael.