( whispers): honey, my speech. look, it's mr. hill. ( applause and cheers ) do you hear that, hank? i fell out of a plane, and just two months later i have landed on my feet. mm-hmm. all right, shop! shop rules! yeah, shop! gracias. i accept this on behalf of everyone who has ever fallen out of a plane and lived to win her third-straight substitute teacher of the year award. i am king of the school! woo-hoo! ( feedback whines )

[patriotic music] - from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show with trevor noah" presents... - and we're gonna win. we're gonna keep winning. we're gonna win so much you're gonna think that... - there's a new report tonight that president trump may have lied his way onto "forbes" magazine annual list of richest americans back in the 1980s. trump first made the list in 1982 with a reported net worth of $100 million. but the documents later proved he was only worth $5 million. he lied about how many apartments the trump organization owned, how much the units were worth, and that trump, not his father, owned the apartments. - that's right, all the way back in 1982, trump apparently got onto the very first "forbes" list by lying about his net worth and claiming that the stuff that his dad owned was actually his, which is a classic lie every 20-year-old would recognize. you know, it's like, "let's get out of here, girl. "i've got my own place... above my dad's garage."

[laughter] now, trump lying to "forbes"-- 'cause he easily-- it could easily be seen as just someone trying to boost his ego. but it turns out that trump's lie may have gotten him a whole lot more than just some flattering press. - because donald never had an actual statement of his assets and his liabilities, he used the "forbes" 400 and this statement of inflated assets to borrow billions and billions of dollars, which he used to build atlantic city and overleverage himself. - you're saying he wanted to use the "forbes" list to fraudulently induce people to fund him in ways they otherwise would not? - that's correct. - okay, i don't know about you, but this is mind-blowing. trump lied to get onto the "forbes" list. then the "forbes" list cemented him as a mogul, and then he used his mogul status to get to the white house. because remember, his success story wasn't just the minor detail of who he was. it was the very heart of his campaign. - "forbes" just came out and they said i'm worth 4 1/2 or 5 billion dollars. i'm really rich. i've not even saying that in a bragga--

that's the kind of mindset, that's the kind of thinking you need for this country. so, look, i'm-- i'm really a good businessman. i'm so good at business. oh, you people are gonna be so rich so fast. you don't even... [cheers and applause] you don't know how rich you're gonna be. [laughter] we're gonna go from a debtor nation that's gonna pewww-- you're gonna say, "wow, what happened?" - you know, in retrospect, i feel like we should've asked what "pewww" means. [laughter] it's, like, huh, turns out "pewww" was a muslim ban. who would've thought? you may remember that during the presidential campaign, donald trump had a number of ambitious goals like bringing back coal jobs, and launching hillary at the moon. but perhaps his most grandiose goal was this. - if you're a deal person, right, the ultimate deal is that deal. israel, palestine-- [stammering] if you're gonna make it, that probably is the hardest deal there is to make. if i'm gonna be president, i'd rather be in the position--

'cause i will try the best i can-- and i'm a very good deal-maker, believe me-- to try and solve that puzzle. you're not gonna solve it if you're gonna be on one side or another. everyone understands that. - now, first of all, first of all, props to trump for thinking that the ultimate deal is peace in the middle east and not the number four at mcdonald's. that's a step up. i like that. and also, i'm impressed at how confident he was. i bet in his head he was just thinking, "all i gotta do is have michael cohen "pay the palestinians $130,000. "and then poof, problem solved. no problem, folks." and to be honest, this is one of those issues where part of me was willing to give trump a chance. i mean, israel and palestine have been fighting for 70 years, right? in my head, i was like, "what's the worst thing trump could do?" well, today, he answered that question. - the trump administration upending decades of established american policy, officially moving the u.s. embassy in israel from tel aviv to jerusalem. that added fuel to the fire

of weeks of palestinian protests along the gaza border-- more than 50 palestinians killed by the israeli military, more than 2,000 injured. - now, i don't care who you are-- i think we can all agree, this was a horrible loss of life that sadly, anyone could have predicted. the israelis and the palestinians both claim jerusalem as their capital, so america moving its embassy to jerusalem before even holding peace talks was bound to be a provocative move. and there was a moment where trump considered not doing it, but not out of concern for the human cost. - they said, "sir, we're building an embassy in jerusalem, sir." i said, "how much?" something other presidents don't ask, but that's okay. they said, i kid you not-- they said, "sir, 1 billion." i said, a billion? you know what a billion dollars is? so i called david-- i stopped signing, by the way.

i had donald-- d-o-n-a-l-d, and then it was like, dead, bomp! and then... all of a sudden i stopped, never got to the t. and i started putting x's, 'cause i was afraid that somebody could say it was my signature. - and as angry as the palestinians are, to many israelis, trump is a hero. - the israeli people also celebrating the occasion, pro-trump signs a signal of trump's growing popularity in the country. - the mayor of jerusalem has put up an image of the old wall, and it actually shows an animated u.s. flag and israeli flag. the large soccer club is changing its name to honor the president. the beitar jerusalem football club will now be known as beitar trump jerusalem. - that's right, trump has gotten so popular that they're naming an israeli soccer team after him, which is perfect. because a lot of people don't know this, but that team only won their league

because james comey stepped in and tripped a player on their opposing team. [laughter] yeah. everyone was confused. they're all like, "what is james comey doing here?" they're like, "i don't know, trevor needed him for the joke." and here's the thing, if trump wants to take israel's side, that's his prerogative. but at least be honest about it. right? instead of stoking the flames at the same time you're saying this. - our greatest hope is for peace. the united states remains fully committed to facilitating a lasting peace agreement. - if you're palestinian, you probably think that statement is absolute bullshit. and i can understand why, because essentially, although america says it's the referee, it's basically just shown up to game two in a cavs jersey. it's like, "yeah, i'm gonna be totally fair, right, lebron?" wink, wink. [hip-hop music] ♪ how do they make starburst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets

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♪ music ♪laying ♪ ♪ - i'm sorry, we're gonna win even more.

[hip-hop music] - now to that breaking news-- those three americans who had been held by north korea, they are now back in the united states. - just after 3:00 a.m., the three american prisoners released from north korea stepped out of that plane and into a made-for-tv moment produced by the president himself, one saying, "it's like a dream." - wow, what a happy ending. and i can see why one of these guys said, "it's like a dream," because one of these prisoners was taken during the obama administration. and now he's like, "wait, the 'apprentice' guy is president? is this a dream?" but still, but still-- let's not hate. congratulations to president trump for getting these men free. yeah, and i-- i honestly mean it. i mean it. their families will be happy to have them back, their spy agencies will also be happy to have them back, and i think we can all agree that it's a great moment. and we can also agree that donald trump can make a really great moment very weird.

- you know... only trump could be thinking about tv ratings in the middle of a hostages-coming-home party. like, it's 3:00 a.m. who cares about ratings? like, does donald trump have a rivalry with the lady from the pasta boat infomercial? what are you doing? it's also strange that trump said kim jong un was excellent to the prisoners. like, it's almost like they were the hostages, but trump was the one with stockholm syndrome. "he was very nice, so nice. i love him." [laughter] and i'm--i'm happy that these guys are home. you know, they went through a lot-- physical abuse, emotional abuse. they were forced to eat disgusting food in a cramped space where they couldn't move their arms and legs, and that was just their flight back on spirit airlines.

[laughter] spirit airlines: a north korean labor camp in the sky. [fanfare] - i'm hereby directing the department of defense and pentagon to immediately begin the process necessary to establish a space force as the sixth branch of the armed forces. that's a big statement. we are going to have the air force, and we are going to have the space force. separate but equal. there's no place like space. the space force. - space force! [laughter] i don't even know... i don't even know where to start, right? he just canceled military exercises on the korean peninsula because they were "too expensive." now he's literally blasting that money into space. the same guy. and on top of that, i don't know if you picked that up, but "separate but equal"? yeah, why would he say that? it's almost like trump is sneaking racist easter eggs

into his presidency now. he's like, "and introducing the mascot for space force, "jim the crow, everybody. everybody give it up for jim." [quirky music] - the nation's media may be focused on kids in cages being ripped apart from their families at the border, but down here in trump country, they only wanted to talk about one thing. [crowd chanting] - space force. we need it. - space force. - making space great again. - i am so excited about space force. - there was just one question. - what is space force? - something we've been missing for a long time. - you get to go to space. - space force is a little bit of everything. - it's like the cast of "modern family." - there you go. - isn't it fun to say it? say it. say space force. - space force. the next generation. - it's exciting, isn't it? what is it? - it is, uh, what they refer to as, uh... cloud computer.

- so space force is itunes. it's where all my music is. - yes, i agree. it's itunes. - what is space force? - you know, space exploration and... - yup. - um, just... finding out what's out there, i guess. - but nasa does space exploration. - nasa is only gonna tell us what they want us to know. whereas i think trump will send his own stuff, and we will find out the truth. - who would lead space force? - neil armstrong. - okay. i mean, he's dead. we'd have to bring him back to life. - it has to have a military background. - military, yeah. - it has to have a military background. - i think so, yeah. - but the military has advised president trump that we don't need a space force. - well, trump's his own man. - he knows more. - and he's gonna tell us the truth about what's out there. - when you're in trump's universe, everyone loves space force. space force! but why do we need space force? - uh, terrorists could, through the use of drones, get into space and become a very dangerous hazard to our freedom. - i'm sure that there will be war in space.

- let's not forget 9/11, okay? i think that space force could help prevent the next 9/11. - which would be 9/12. - 9/12. 9/13. - okay. - i think isis could get to space. - space isis. - space isis. right, space isis. but do we really need a space force? - doesn't make a lot of sense, and we'd be wasting a lot of dollars, but at the same time, it's just gonna be cool. - let me just unpack what you just said. - right. - we need to have a space force. it's gonna be a waste of money. - yup. - but it's gonna be cool. - right. - so we need to have it. do you stand by that statement? - stand by that statement 100%. - [bleep] yeah, space force. - pretty much. pretty much we need regulations in space, because you can do whatever you want. - isn't trump against regulation? - yeah. but as a... i just stuttered myself here. you know what? space force, it's just a cool name. - it's just a cool name. and that's good enough. space force! [hip-hop music]

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starting at $40 per line on the network you deserve. [hip-hop music] - and we're gonna win. we're gonna keep winning. ♪ - breaking news today just as anthony kennedy, the crucial swing vote on the supreme court

for years, is retiring, setting the stage for a fierce battle over the future of the highest court in all the land. when justice kennedy steps down at the end of next month, july the 31st, the court will be split-- four liberal justices and four conservatives. president trump now has the chance to give conservatives a solid majority, one that in theory could last for many decades. - that's right, people, justice kennedy officially resigned. and the reason this is so big is that kennedy was without question the most powerful justice on the court. and not just because he can deadlift 650 pounds, but also because while he was generally conservative, kennedy did sometimes vote with liberals, right? he voted in favor of gay rights, the women's right to choose, and affirmative action. and he was the deciding vote. now, trump will likely replace him with a justice who would discriminate and dismantle abortion rights and lgbtq rights.

and that--that sound you're hearing right now? that's mike pence having his first orgasm. yeah, he's like, "i cast you out, semen!" - the landscape of american justice is shifting dramatically tonight on news that 81-year-old supreme court justice anthony kennedy is retiring. and now, for the second time in his presidency, donald trump is poised to exercise one of the president's most consequential powers: nominating the court's next justice. - well, we have a pick to come up. we have to pick a great one. we have to pick one that's gonna be there for 40 years, 45 years. - goddamn, this is so crazy. like, you realize regardless of what happens in his presidency now, donald trump will leave a mark on this country for decades to come. yeah. it's like it's not gonna go away. it's like he's giving america judicial herpes. [laughter] you realize his court picks will be around for so long that they'll be ruling on major legal questions way into the future, like whether or not

elon musk can marry his robot slaves. like, we--we don't know where it's gonna go. and i--here's the thing, i can handle the idea of donald trump being president for a few years. what blows my mind, though, is that he will be able to fundamentally reshape america for generations. donald trump is going to shape america, this guy. - and i'd look her right in that fat, ugly face of hers. i'd say, "rosie, you're fired." - the power to redefine what america is. this guy. - bing bing, bong bong, bing bing bing. [laughter] - seriously? this guy? - trump steaks are by far the best-tasting, most flavorful beef you've ever had. - out of all the people it could have been, it's this guy? - if that ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps i'd be dating her. [audience groans] - hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. you never know--with the new supreme court, that shit could be legal. you never know, yeah. that's what you work for. you never know. he's there like, "that's what i've been working for, folks. "i've been really trying, baby.

"trying to hold back these feelings for so long." [laughter] anyway... [cheers and applause] anyway, a supreme court justice stepping aside is never a small thing. but this one could have especially far-reaching consequences, because while anthony kennedy was generally conservative, one of the notable things that he did was consistently protect roe v. wade, aka a woman's right to choose. which makes this the moment that the anti-abortion movement has been waiting for. - a kennedy departure could also put abortion rights in doubt. he has consistently supported the basic holding of roe v. wade. a trump nominee would probably oppose it. - well, roe v. wade is really the dred scott decision of 20th century. i think you're gonna see that overturned. - we have a chance to take down roe v. wade. this is a historic moment in the pro-life community today. - that's right, after justice kenney is replaced, there's a good chance that many states

will make abortion illegal. and for many evangelicals, that has been the holy grail. right? it's why many "christians" have supported to continue donald trump, even though he sins so much that people cast him out of demons. it's like, "begone, trump!" "oh, oh, thank you. i felt so gross. "oh. oh. i mean, your own daughter? oh, wow." oh, and you might-- you might be really sad that women will be losing some of their fundamental rights. but the media is licking its lips. - on capitol hill, the battle lines drawn. a huge battle in washington over replace supreme court justice anthony kennedy. - this will be a battle all summer, all fall. - it will be one of the most contentious political battles in decades. - okay, i'm sorry, but like, what battle are we talking about here? i understand these guys are trying to drum up ratings, but it's not true. republicans control the senate. okay? the democrats have no power and no way to stop them from confirming trump's supreme court pick.

like, the media's hyping this up like it's a heavyweight fight. but this is more like a fight between floyd mayweather and a baby. you know? it's like, "and in the blue corner, "weighing in at seven pounds "and cranky after missing his nap, it's timmy!" dsh! [crying] [hip-hop music]

[hip-hop music] - i'm sorry, we're gonna win even more. ♪ - the two leaders seemed to have an instant rapport the minute kim jong un made history by becoming the first north korean leader to step foot in the south. in a brief diplomatic dance, he invited president moon to cross the military demarcation line back into the north. - now, it may look funny, but we just witnessed a giant moment in history. that's the first time those leaders have stepped foot in the other one's country. like, you know there was a part of kim jong un as well that just wanted to be like, "now, please, "step into my country. got him! i got him!"

[laughter] now, if the north korea talks end up in kim actually giving up his nukes, this would be one of the greatest peace deals we've ever seen broken, which is why, believe it or not, south korea's president says that president trump deserves the nobel peace prize. because he says this never would have happened if trump hadn't played bad cop. you know? like, really bad cop. like, worst cop ever. like, "i'll let you borrow my gun for $5" cop. and trump winning the nobel peace prize or any prize is an idea that maga supporters really love. - i remember, you know, it was very rough three, four months ago. [crowd chanting] - [laughs] nobel. that's very nice. nobel. [chuckles] [laughter] - you know, that... that has to be the world's first nobel peace prize chants. like, that's how rowdy trump's crowds are, though. they'll chant anything. they'll be at a funeral like,

"condolences! condolences! condolences! always in our hearts! always in our hearts!" [laughter] and now, look, i understand, some people argue that trump didn't actually do much, but south korea's president, he doesn't care, right? he's happy to share the glory, and trump agrees with him, except for the share part. - i had... one of the fake news groups this morning-- no, they were saying, "what do you think, uh, president trump had to do with it?" i'll tell you what, like, how about everything? [cheers and applause] - yeah, i, uh, i hope they have a nobel prize for humility, too, because this guy, he just killed the game. - and i'm gonna say, "i don't care. we're gonna keep winning." - [coughing] - but first, here it is, ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪