david (on phone): andy. david. still here. what was that about three months? >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: oh! welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for coming out and thank you for tuning in! i'm trevor noah! our guest tonight is the star of the new "venom" movie riz ahmed is here, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) we'll have a fun conversation with him. first, let's catch up on today's

headlines. china. ( laughter ) they make all our computers and turns out they're throwing in something extra. >> a shocking report details how china use add tiny chip to infiltrate tech giants as early as 2015. >> they have a stealth doorway into any director. inserted in factories, run by manufacturing subcontractors in china. >> trevor: really? first they hide notes in my cookies and now this? ( laughter ) you realize, this isn't about hacking. that's basic. they're putting tainted microchips into the hardware at the factory. we could move the factories to the u.s. but it's introducing the new iphone, only $6,000! and we're, like, yeah, tell me about the phone with the chip in it? i'll take that one. here's my thing, if being hacked

is inevitable which it's like in this day and age, maybe we shouldn't try to protect our information on our devices. instead, we should surround our real information with a bunch of other junk as a distraction to throw hackers off the trail. that's my pitch. that's what i do on my iphone. i'm not going to stop taking dickpics, but i add a lot of other dick photos, yeah, that way if you ever hack my phone, you don't know which one is mine. it works! ( cheers and applause ) it really works. i'll give you a clue, though, it's the one with the dimples. ( laughter ) moving on. last week, we shared a story about people getting into accidents because they were taking selfies while hiking. now we're learning that people die taking selfies while do all sorts of things. >> the post-reports a study that

say 250 people worldwide died taking selfies in the last years. the leading cause of death drag, transportation and falling from heights. >> trevor: i get falling, b how are people drowning while taking a selfie? i mean, what, do they fall into the water while taking it or, worse, are they underwater trying to get a selfie and then, like, dying because they can't get the perfect pick? is it just people underwater,, like -- ( laughter ) keeper >> trevor: what are you doing? if you take care of yourself and eat right, you can live to be 100 then eat whatever you want. >> chick-fil-a throws a surprise

100th birthday party for one of their top customers. until last year, stephen stopped by the florida restaurant nearly every day for 20 years earning him free chick-fil-a for life. >> we want to give you chick-fil-a for the rest of your life. no more 50% off. you getting it free. >> i come here to chick-fil-a free? >> anytime you want. >> that is the best gift i could ever receive! instead of coming once a week, now i'm coming every day! >> trevor: oh, man! ( cheers and applause ) that is the cutest thing ever. 100 years old, he's grateful about that. is that the secret to living to 100? if it is, get ruth bader ginsburg some curly fries right away! right away! ( cheers and applause ) i will say it's kind of a dick move from chick-fil-a here. they're giving him lifetime free food at 100? let's be honest, there's an understanding he's going to leave soon, right?

i hope he lives another 30 years, and then chick-fil-a managers are, like, okay, we're cutting you off. you should be dead by now. get back in your car. what do you mean you ran here! who are you?! let's move on to our top story. ( applause ) for weeks, now, brett kavanaugh's nomination to the supreme court has torn america apart. 45% of the country believes dr. ford, his accuser. 33% believes kavanaugh, and the remaining 22% believes the supreme court is a nacho order at taco bell. ( laughter ) i'll be honest, today has been a very emotional day for people. in d.c. protesters spent the day rallying at the capitol and confronting senators about confronting kavanaugh. and time seems to be running out because the f.b.i. finished its investigation into the claims against kavanaugh, and the bad news is the white house loves it! >> overnight the f.b.i.'s highly anticipated investigation of supreme court nominee brett kavanaugh delivered to the white

house and capitol hill. >> the white house calling most comprehensive review of a supreme court nominee in history. >> the white house concluded those interviews did not corroborate sexual misconduct allegations against brett kavanaugh. >> trevor: that's right, the f.b.i. investigation is officially complete. but i don't know if we can call a five-day investigation sufficient. although i get why the white house thinks it is, they've never spent five consecutive days on anything. they're probably like this investigation was so thorough, it lasted half a scaramucci. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and another thing that makes this investigation feel like a sham is how the f.b.i. used their time. >> this f.b.i. investigation was fast, it was limited, and several potential witnesses are now claiming it was incomplete. >> the f.b.i. contacted a total of ten people and interviewed nine of them. >> there are more than 40 people with potential information about

sexual misconduct allegations against brett kavanaugh who were not contacted by the f.b.i. >> two people who weren't interviewed, judge kavanaugh himself or dr. blasey ford. >> trevor: that seems a little strange, right? there were 40 people who said they had information for the f.b.i. and none were interviewed? this is the same f.b.i. that came after me for duplicate ago copy of rambo 3 on vhs and didn't have time for the supreme court? they held me for hours and i didn't give them shit. nothing, nada. i didn't snitch, carlos. ( bleep ) ah! ( laughter ) the report isn't public. there's only one copy that can be viewed exclusively by senators, kept inside a vault in the capitol building. as an extra layer of security, you can only enter after having

a conversation with eric. it's, like, hey, do you like model trains, too? you know what, i don't care, i don't care. but this report was never meant for us. the only reason the g.o.p. allowed the f.b.i. to investigate was to satisfy the concerns of three senators -- collins, mckowski and flake. so it doesn't matter the investigation wasn't thorough. what it matters is it gives these moderate republicans the cover they need to vote yes. basically, mitch mcconnell conducted this process the same way a parent "checks" under their kids' bed for monsters. all right, nothing there, go to sleep now. but what if he's in the closet? well then who are we to judge, titimmy? ( laughter ) and you can till mcconnell wasn't trying to find any monsters from day one. >> this fine nominee to the supreme court will receive a vote in this senate in the near future. >> we're going to be moving forward. confident we'll win. judge kavanaugh will be on the united states supreme court.

we're going to plow right through it and do our job. >> trevor: you see, this was never about process for him, it was always about rushing the confirmation through before the midterms. mcconnell approached it the same way that god approached making mitch mcconnell. yeah, the angels are, like, god, you haven't finished his face. he's, like, look, i'm plowing through this, i'm plowing through this! i have to get it done! i have to! ( applause ) but, god, he has no lips! who cares? wait until you see this other thing i made! it looks like, like it or not, cocaine mitch has cone it again. he successfully stole obama's supreme court seats and now he's bulldozed through the #metoo movement to get judge k on to the supreme court. i'm an optimist but doesn't seem like there is much anybody can do besides wait and see. like, we may as well go out and

get drunk, like brett kavanaugh, and try and forget this ever happened, like brett kavanaugh. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

like leather, skin is stronger when it's hydrated. but 9 out of 10 men don't get the hydration their skin needs. that's why dove men + care body wash has a unique hydrating formula ... to keep men's skin healthier and stronger. ♪ at sprint and that means you can get the amazing new iphone 10s. and it has a 5.8 inch super retina oled display. now that's a reason to party! ♪ wait! and did you know it's on a network built for unlimited? ♪ iphone! ♪ (vo) there's never been a better time to try our network. so switch to sprint and we'll give you a new iphone 10s to use with eligible trade-in. that's right. $0 per month on us. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com.

"the daily show." these past two weeks have seen the fight for gender equality take a real kick in the action zone, and, sure, women are seeing some small advantages in their fight to be treated fairly, but does a step forward for equality always mean a step forward for women? desi lydic has more. >> throughout history, women have been excluded from men-only organizations like the free masons, gentleman's clubs, the presidency. now there's one progressive

organization finally letting in girls. >> the boy scouts of america will start admitting girls as cub scouts next year. >> with gender equality solved, there's only a need for one scouting program. >> actually, i don't really quite see it that way. >> meet girl scout c.e.o. sylvia acavedo who isn't happy about the boy scouts inclusive decision. >> we are girl experts for over is hundred years. we know how to have girls become leaders. over 77% of senate leaders girl scout, every female astronaut that's been in space, a girl scout. >> what's next, rocket scientists? >> i have been a rocket scientist at n.a.s.a. >> i did not know that. >> one thing boy scouts have over girl scouts, the governor eted ranking of eagle scout. >> have you thought about making a girl equivalent to the eagle scouts like, i don't know, the

kegel scouts? >> we have the gold award girl scout. it's the most prestigious serving award a girl can earn. >> so prestigious no one's ever heard of it. in fact, some people view girl scouts as outdated. was there more to them than being cookie pushers? as a serious journalist i had to infiltrate. >> this is my second year of girl scouts. >> i'm chloe, thinks fifth year of girl scouts. >> my name is desi, it's been three days since i checked my exboyfriend's instagram account -- >> come on -- >> i was seamlessly blending in. would you girls join the boy scouts? >> no! >> what do you like about being a girl scout? >> you don't have to worry about being embarrassed or anything because you're a sisterhood, girl scouts. >> i'm glad you brought that up because i was the one that just farted, so thank you for giving me the support to be able to

share that with you. >> it was clear they provided a safe place. to get the full girl scout experience i need to earn badges. >> we're going to show you how to build small robots. is everyone excited? >> yes! >> yes! >> she's pretty old to be a girl scout. i don't really think she understands what the building of the robot is for. >> are we building the ryan gosling bot from blade runner? >> no. >> can we just start building the bot. >> yeah, let's do that. >> so i didn't get my robotics badge, mountain climbic badge, archery or manipulating dna badge. there are a lot of badges to get. so i did what i had to do. >> really neat. what troop are you in? yeah, it's crazy, i guess i just saw some leadership skills in me. apparently in girl scouts, short cuts are frowned upon, but with i had one last chance to redeem

myself by participating in easy peasy rope games that -- holy shit. okay. i got this. i have been to target on a saturday. i can do anything. >> i don't need luck. i have skill. >> why does it have to be so hard! i'm going to die! >> through relentless and border line annoying encouragement, these girls showed me what it meant to be part of the strong female-led organization, and i was ready to lead. >> oh, okay. oh, so cool! >> one of the cool things about girl scouts is it's always evolving so you can create your own activities and reward yourself with your own badges. so this one is my badge for arts and crafts. this is not crying during botox.

and for not getting pregnant -- again. wow, this is so exciting. do you want to get off the stage? just go. just go. you can all just sit down. oooh, god -- i almost don't know what to say. almost. my fellow scouts, what a journey today has been. we're now in a world where you can be a girl scout or a boy scout or a girl on girl scout. >> i have no idea what she's talking about. >> it's just nonsense. >> really? >> so i decided to make the decision to tell you to make decisions for yourself. i could tell i was really reaching them, and they taught me something, too, that organizations don't feed to be co-ed to promote equality. women supporting women and learning skills to help you thrive in male dominated fields also promotes equality. you can clap now. now would be a great time to clap. ( applause ) oh, thank you!

>> trevor: desi lydic, everyone. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) like leather, skin is stronger when it's hydrated. but 9 out of 10 men don't get the hydration their skin needs. that's why dove men + care body wash has a unique hydrating formula ... to keep men's skin healthier and stronger. darryl! hey, darryl. hey! hey, how much would you pay for something you don't want? nothing. is this a test? no. question two: do you like getting stuff you like for free? yes. this feels like a test. it's not, it's just why verizon lets everyone in your family get the unlimited plan they need without paying for stuff they don't. and why verizon gets you six months of free apple music. did i pass? not a test, but yeah, you passed.

(vo) the music you want, the unlimited plan you need, on the network you deserve. now get up to $300 off our latest phones. new olay foaming whip body wash. luxe lather, with a weightless feel, transforms skin from dull to dreamy. new olay foaming whip body wash.

♪ ♪

♪ they're all spooky! michael myers... ...spent the last 40 years in captivity. [ screams ] i have prayed that he would escape... ...so i can kill him. [ gun shot ] he's waited for this night. he's here. he's waiting for me. michael! rated r.

( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to the shoaflt any best tonight is an emmy award-winning actor, rapper and activist who stars in the new movie, "venom." >> how does that work? you know, exactly the life foundation thing? how does it -- how does it -- i don't know, how does it go about, say, testing pharmaceuticals. >> eddy, we're talking about the rocket here. >> no, i'm not. i'm talking about the allegations. it says that you recruit the mos vulnerable of us to volunteer for tests that more often than not end up killing people -- >> eddy -- >> thank you very much. >> we're not finished!

>> yes, you are, mr. brock. >> is that a threat? >> have a nice life. >> trevor: please welcome riz ahmed! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ welcome to the show. >> thank you for having me, man. >> trevor: it's been a while. i have been watching you blow up. so many people were fans of yours from the night off, many people were fans of yours seeing you in so many different movies. you've played so many different roles, now you're in "venom" playing character i did not like as a human being for the first time. >> thank you. >> trevor: did you enjoy it? >> i did, actually. i feel like, you know, i never thought i would be in a movie like this, to be honest. you grow up watching films like this, you don't necessarily see people that look like me in them. i don't like to talk about diversity. i feel like it sounds like an added extra. >> trevor: right. >> it sounds like the fries, not the burger. it sounds like something on the

side. you've got your main thing going on, yet sprinkle a little bit oof diversity on top of that. it's not about that to me. it's about representation. representation is absolutely fundamental in terms of what we expect from our culture and our politics. we all want to feel represented, seen, heard, valued. >> trevor: right. >> i prefer to talk about representation. >> trevor: you've done a great job of that. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. you've done a really great job of playing so many different characters on screen just as an actor. you've gone for such a diverse set of rolls, you know, that challenge you in different ways. what i didn't know about you is you are also a rapper, like an emcee, and for real, for real, not like a gimmick. some people think rapping is a joke. we have a clip of one of your music videos here. ♪ ( rapping )

>> trevor: now, that song comes from a body of work that is powerful because you speak not just about what's happening in the world but what has happened to you as a person. one of my favorite songs is 9/11 blues. >> right. >> tell us what 9/11 blues is about. >> well, yeah, i mean, the track came out just yesterday and the message for that song is -- i guess it's been a through line to me work. in magambo i'm saying it more explicitly than ever, we're living in a time where people are feeling unheard, unvalued and unwanted. the message is some people might not want us but we're not going anywhere. we're here to stay and we're part of this place. and if you want to get into this, we talk about who built these societies.

empire built britain. this country was built on the backs of the people those people are trying to exclude from power now. i felt sick and tired of feeling despair and i said i wanted to make something defiant. described this track as a middle finger you can dance to. >> trevor: i like that, a middle finger you can dance to. i like that. ( cheers and applause ) >> but the story behind that first track, post-9/11, that was the first song i recorded and it got band when i released it. thank you for banning it because it got so much promotion. ( laughter ) it was saying we're living in a politically sensitive environment, we can't play this track, and it was really just making fun of the post-9/11 circumstances of fear, this really kind of extravagant, cartoonish, boogie man kind of narrative that we had going on about muslims. they're very personal songs. this is one person's personal

song, right, will be about the dad hiring a limo for them to go to prom. >> trevor: right. >> mine is about the gloves coming on at airport security. that's my friday night. it's just coming from a personal place, you know. >> trevor: it's a personal place. you delivered well. i'm excited to see everything you're going to do. thank you so much for being on the show. >> thank you so much. >> trevor: "venom" in theaters october 5. riz ahmed, everybody. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ hey it's me, post malone! and i feel just like a rockstaaa. makin' friends with the crabs, man just call me a crustaceaaaan. dropped some ketchup on my pants, gotta put 'em in the washaaaa. (underwater gurgling) wataaaa. see you nerds later, i'ma take off in the choppaaaa.

but 9 out of 10 men don't getr the hydration their skin needs. that's why dove men + care body wash has a unique hydrating formula ... to keep men's skin healthier and stronger. i'm always going to be a maker. and i think a company is the coolest thing you can build. i'm adam, and i make robots. you never know when inspiration is going to strike. so i take my surface pro everywhere. part of an entrepreneur's job is to get stuff done. i like to do, like, four things at once. the new surface pro can handle all of my programs. i can paint, i can mold, i can code. i have it on all the time, it's fantastic. we get to build toys for kids and change the world. it's a big deal.

of great savings and service. with such a long history, it's easy to trust geico! thank you todd. it's not just easy. it's-being-a-master-of-hypnotism easy. hey, i got your text- sleep! doug, when i snap my fingers you're going to clean my gutters. ooh i should clean your gutters! great idea. it's not just easy. it's geico easy. todd, you will go make me a frittata.

( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. now here it is... your moment of zen. ♪ >> mom, a terrible thing just happened. they're firing me from my job, mom. i don't know what to do. mom, what do i do? what do i do, mom?

thank you all very much. thank you. thank you very much, everybody. ( applause ) [ cheers and applause ] welcome to "the jim jefferies show"! feeling down about how sexist our judicial system is? don't worry, it's also very racist. and we discuss unfair sentences like we need to talk. if i was horribly disfigured in an accident, would you still take care of me? janice, we've only been dating for a week. oh, wait, we're talking about unfair sentences. that makes more sense. plus, i chat with political strategists about the midterm elections. well, not so much chat as much as nod and try not to act confused. that's coming up. let's get started. [ cheers and applause ] ♪