oh, my god! [alarm blaring] [phone rings] hello? - this is brian with insecurity. is everything all right? - no! they blew up my car! they blew up my car! - i'm sending help. police are on their way with blankets and cocoa. - they're after me again! do something! - hold on one second, sir. i have another emergency coming in. - this is brian with insecurity. is everything all right? - yeah, no, false alarm again. i'm in the store, and some fat bitch asked me if my dad likes cologne. - what the hell's going on out here? - stay out of this, gerald. some men care about what their wives are doing. - what? you don't even have a wife, jimbo. [alarm blaring] [phone rings] - somebody answer me. you have to send help now. - sir, we are sending help. just stay calm-- [phone rings] hang on, sir. this is martin with insecurity. - yeah, i'm thinking maybe gerald's house is nicer than mine is. [phone rings] - hello, this is martin with-- - god damn it! i've had it with you people! when i signed up, i thought i was getting c.s.i. guys protecting my ass, but all you answering the phones are complete retards. [phone rings]

- hello? - this is mike with insecurity. is everything all right? - hello? - you come down here. - [screams] - so you say this man killed himself because he was a psychopath who was forced to have sex with his mother? - yes. we found that in his pocket. - sir, we found this in the closet upstairs. - yes, that's mine. - yours? what? - give me that! what we do in our bedroom is our business. - wait a minute. dad was the u.p.s. man? - uh, kyle, sometimes when people get older, they need to play and pretend, keep things interesting. it's just a way i can still be intimate with your mother without relying on silly sexual enhancement drugs. [alarms blaring] [phones ring] all: hello? - it's over. but you were wrong. we don't have to be afraid of amazon.

the only price to be paid for convenience is that we must be secure with ourselves. - yeah. got yourselves some nice home security systems, don't you? paying a man to do your job of protecting your house. only problem is, while you're out feeling like your things are safe, that security man is [bleep] your wife. - doors and windows should be armed, and your motion detectors are up and running. just call me whenever you need me back. [gun cocks] ah! who are you? - it doesn't matter who we are. what matters is our plan. you should have respected my authority. - [gasps] >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪

( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you for tuning in! thank you for coming out! take a seat! i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight is an author with a brand-new book about abortion rights, lindy west is joining us, everybody! today let's catch up on the headlines. ever watch a marathon? it's exciting, everyone cheers for the winners and you have to wait seven hours for the last person to finish? that was pretty much the midterm elections. >> the 2018 midterm elections are over. >> t.j. cox claimed victory over republican incumbent david. >> this is the last race to be tall idea. overall democrats picked up 40

seats in the house. >> trevor: that's right, the midterms are officially over and the democrats won big, but it took them a long time to get there, so turns out it wasn't a blue wave, it was more like a blue rising sea level, you know? ( laughter ) after more than three weeks of counting votes, america, your elections take too damn long. like, i miss africa where it's just like he has a tank, he is the winner. ( laughter ) moving on. moving on. guftion in america remains a serious issue. unfortunately the solutions for guftion aren't quite as serious. >> university faculty armed and trained to stop active shooters but they're not getting guns to carry on campus, they're getting hockey pucks. the american association of university proffers distributed the small rubber disks to its 800 members. the university police chief says throwing heavy objects to distract a shooter is an effective strategy. ( laughter )

>> trevor: you're giving kids hockey pucks to protect themselves against guns? how do they come up with this? they must be thinking, gun control, what else do americans not give a shit about -- oh, hockey! let's gev them hockey pucks! ( laughter ) christmas is just around the corner. time of the year we honor with sacred traditions by changing those traditions for no reason. >> black is the new green, at least when it comes to christmas trees. >> many families are ditching the traditional trees for a darker look. thousands of posts on instagram with the hashtag black christmas tree. they explain why they're so popular. >> it goes with anything, with any kind of decor, and because real life decor has started to become what's going to look good on social media, green doesn't always cut it -- >> trevor: yeah, if you're a

green christmas tree, kill yourself. ( laughter ) what is going on with christmas trees this year? it's black, looks the same as the green. melania put up the red trees that turned the white house into a american horror story. it looks like she skinned christmas trees and hung them up as warnings to other trees. that will teach you to shedden on my carpet! ( laughter ) but let's be clear, this is not a real black christmas tree. all right? this is a black christmas tree. ( cheers and applause ) >> merry christmas, (~bleep )! >> trevor: merry christmas to you, black tree. that tree is going to get the cuffs pulled on it. ( laughter ) -- cops called on it. ( laughter ) and if you've ever had someone make fun of your name, trust me,

it could have been worse. >> for a texas woman and her five-year-old daughter a southwessouthwest airlines flige turned into a nightmare. she says her daughter's unique name caught the name of an agent, this is ab-see-dee, butteth abcde. >> southwest made fun of the name and posted it for others to look at. >> trevor: if you're southwest airlines where do you get off making fun of anybody else? you're named after a dreblgz. if it weren't for spirit, you would be spirit. and, yes, united dragged someone off a plane but at least they wanted to be on a united plane in the first place. you want to fly southwest? you ask for water they say suck your spit. shut up! so the southwest employee should not have publicly made fun of

this girl's name. at the same time... why would a parent name a child abcde? you're supposed to name a child after her grandmother, not the grandmother's facebook password. it was only a matter of time before the girl discovered she had an unusual name. probably found it out after she bored and was trying to find her seat, like, wait a minute! i'm in all the seats! all right, let's move on to our top story. let's talk about the united states military. it's the home of america's toughest warriors. i mean, that is if you don't count the people fighting at 2:00 a.m. in denny's. some of the perks of joining the u.s. military include learning technology skills, gaining leadership experience and they get to use super advanced weapons six months before everyone else in america. there is also a promise america makes to its troops, that is if you serve your country, when you come home your country will

serve you. veterans ged subsidies for housing, education, hbo passwords. unfortunately these days, collecting those benefits has become its own battle. >> finances are tight for many veterans and families this holiday because the veterans affairs department is way behind on education-related recommend burmt payments to americans heros. >> vets registered in undergraduate and graduate school programs under the g.i. bill are facing mounting unpaid housing subsidies difficult bills and some taking on debt. >> 73,000 claims pending, 27% more than last year at this time and the payments to more than 10,000 veterans have been delayed noorn 30 days. >> trevor: yes, turns out the american government, aka we love the troops, is stiffing veterans out of money for housing and education. and that's the opposite of what you would expect, right? it's like finding out the pillsbury dough boy has a gluten

allergy. you sold us this stuff, yeah, but it's not for me! don't get high on your own supply! if this makes you angry at your government, wait till you find out the reason the veterans are not paid. >> the delays are blamed on computer problems. >> the culprit is not a person, but a machine. >> a 50-year-old computer system at the department of veterans affairs is shortchanging post-9/11 vernlts. >> that system is complerks that engine is old -- >> trevor: seriously? america can't pay its veterans because it's using a 50-year-old computer? get the (~bleep ) out of here, man! when it comes to going to war, america always finds the money, right? every time america is going to war they find the money for drones so advanced they can zap a pimple off an i.s.i.s. fighter's face. but when the soldiers get home, all of a sudden, america is like, yeah, can't pay you, our computers run windows b.c., so sorry. ( laughter ) i don't trust a computer that has a built-in ashtray. that's old-assed shit.

do you understand how bad a 50-year-old computer system can be? have you met somebody with those old iphones? when they take your phone number they have to do it in installments. 7 -- see you next weekend. wait for this to load. ( laughter ) you would think after the v.a. identified the prorks they would say, veterans, we'll make it up to you and get a computer from 1987 and get you paid. ( laughter ) the v.a. said because the number of unpaid veterans is too high it would be too much effort to figure out how to pay them all so they're not going to pay everyone what they're due. that's the attitude of an absentee dad. hey, billy, i already missed the first twelve years of your life, so too late to start now. maybe your yo uncle is teach yoo throw a hockey puck. ( laughter ) the v.a. said they weren't

planning to pay veterans and there was a shit ton of backlarchlt this morning they backtracked and said, okay, fine, we'll get the veterans their money, but only in january. yeah, because that's the best time to get people the money they need, just after the holidays. this issue with the veterans might be solved eventually, but this is just the latest example of the v.a. screwing over those who have served their country. and the one thing i can think is i guess america should be grateful that the v.a. isn't in charge of the rest of the military. >> when they first said they were adding bureaucrats to the military, i thought, it might be a bad idea. now i know it's a bad idea. outstanding! fire the missile! >> on it! oooh! ( laughter ) oh, yeah... >> why does it take 12 hours to shoot a lit mistle? >> oh, this is just the program that downloads the program that lets us then fire the missile. but then, boom! ( laughter ) they're going to be, like,,-, we

die! america. >> trevor: roy wood, jr. we'll be right back ( cheers and applause ) after the war the survivors had cities in the skies. on the seas. but the deadliest ones were built on wheels. we have to shut it down.

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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." ( cheers and applause ) today was yet another big day in the ongoing mueller investigation, and since this thing is not ending anytime sornings we figured we would start keeping up with it in a new segment we all mo mueller, mo problems. ( cheers and applause ) the mueller investigation is lot like the wire -- a long winding plot, a huge list of shady characters, wiretaps, secret phone calls, everything the wire has, except black people. ( laughter ) but every few days, we hear from one of the recurring characters, and today turned out to be a michael cohen episode. >> president trump's former lawyer and fixer michael cohen dropping a bombshell in federal court pleading guilty to lying to congress about how have the president knew about a potential

trover project in russia during the campaign out of loyalty to president trump. while cohen congress in fall that the moscow project ended in january 2016, he admits discussions ended as late as probably june 2016, when trump was the presumpt republican presidential nominee. >> trevor: that's right, former trump lawyer and human eeyore michael cohen is admitting he lied to congress about trump's real estate dealings with russia. and these aren't, like, your typical trump real estate liars. of course we installed smoke detectors! no, this lie is way more important because it puts trump's contact to russia more close to him being president. in january 16, trump was one of 17 possible mo rones who could become the g.o.p. nominee. but by june he was the only one. you realize cohen is the latest trump associate caught to be lying to investigators which

raises the question, if trump's people aren't trying to cover up any nefarious activities, why does everyone keep league? why are they all lying? is there some super innocent secret they just don't want robert mueller to know about? at the end they will be, like, okay, fine, mueller, you want the truth? we were all planning a surprise birthday party quor you, okay? here's your cake, you nosey bastard! enjoy! why trump was running for president he was simultaneously trying to make a deal for a new flojt moscow. sounds like a conflict of interest, but if you think it's that simple, you just haven't heard president trump's explanation. >> i didn't do the project. i decided not to do the project. so i didn't do it. so we're not talking about doing a project, we're talking about not doing a project. everybody knew about it, it was written about in newspapers, it was a well-known project. he is a weak person and what he's trying to do is get a

reduced sentence, so he's lying about a project that everybody knew about. now, here's the thing, even if he was right, it doesn't matter because i was allowed to do whatever i wanted during the campaign -- >> trevor: i didn't do the thing but if i did the thing then the thing is -- but i didn't do the thing and -- please don't lit me, mommy! ( laughter ) according to the president, cohen is lying and also not lying. somehow it's both. yeah, and, you know, trump is the only person whose explanations include every possible outcome, right? ( laughter ) it's like a choose your own adventure books. if i didn't do it, go to page 3. if i did, it was totally okay, go to page 5. if you want to hear about my massive electoral college victory, turn to any page, folks, and i'll tell you about it. ( laughter ) but the real question is -- ( applause ) the real question is why deal with russia at all while you're running for president of the united states?

why not just avoid the conflict altogether? turn to page bullshit to find out. >> i was running my business while i was campaigning. there was a good chance that i wouldn't have won, in which case i would have gotten back into the business, and why should i lose lots of opportunities? >> trevor: hold on, hold on, whoa! did you hear what he just said? he said the reason he didn't stop his business dealings is because he also thought he would lose. ( laughter ) he just said that. he said there was a good chance that i wouldn't have won. well, yeah, i agree with him now. ( laughter ) no, because, before, i was, like, yeah, i'm against, but in trump's defense, i understand why he did it. like, i would have told him to do the same thing. if in 2016 trump came up to me and said, trevor, do you think i should shut down my business in case i become president? i said, donald there's no danger of that happening, my friend. in fact, you should expand. expand. go ahead. ( laughter ) but still, man, you have to see

how shady this is. i mean, no president in modern history has run for office while also working a side hustle. like, say what you want to about hillary, she had her faults, but one thing we never heard her say is i'm running to be your president but in case it doesn't work out, please give pefive stars! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪yeah i know it makes you nervous♪ ♪but i promise you it's worth it♪ ♪don't hide ♪

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♪and i owe it all to you ♪i've had the time of my life♪ the most delicious union of all time. new kentucky fried chicken & waffles, for a limited time at kfc. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a contributing opinion writer for the "new york times" and author of "shrill: notes from a loud woman" and the new book, "shout your abortion." this is based on the movement she co-founded. please welcome lindy west. ( cheers and applause ) ♪

>> hello. >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you for having me? >> trevor: this is a book based on the movement. i remember this trending online. i remember the debate that started "shout your abortion." immediately draws a lot of people. what is this movement all about? >> it started in 2015 when -- i don't know if you remember, but the planned parenthood sells baby parts videos were going around? >> trevor: yes. >> big hit. my friends and i were perturbed, figuring out is there something we can do, some way we can counteract this, like, crazy nonsense. and my friend amelia went on facebook kind of spontaneously and wrote a beautiful post that said i had an abortion at planned parenthood and it was an overwhelmingly positive experience, i felt nothing but relief, and i'm a good person, and my abortion made me happy. so i took that, screen grabbed it, threw it on twitter, added #shout your abortion and the internet exploded.

some people said they were going to kill us, but a lot of people -- ( laughter ) -- joined us and starred telling their stories with a hashtag. it was really kind of gorgeous. it was this huge outpouring of just truth. >> trevor: right. >> some people had experiences that were traumatic, and some people had experiences like amelia's that they just felt gratitude. and a lot of people told us stories about having abortions before roe v. wade. and we had gotten letters from religious and conservative people because the reality is people are having abortions, trevor. >> trevor: right. >> really across party lines, religious lines, geographic lines, it's the reality, and the conversation has really been dominated by what's essentially a fringe opinion, you know. anti-choice rhetoric is not

actually the normal. >> trevor: right. >> so, you know, 71% of americans support roe v. wade, and it's morally new rail. it's people having multiple abortion force every kind of different reason. >> trevor: right. >> i think when you let such a common experience, one in four people who can get pregnant will have an abortion, that's huge, that means that everyone knows and loves someone who has had an apportion borings, that's just reality. >> trevor: when you look through this book, what i really found interesting and beautiful about it is it is stories from individuals who are telling you their individual experience about how and why they haddon an abortion. some are painful, you know. some are stories where the person didn't want to have an abortion but had to, you know, because to have circumstances. you have all of their images in

the book. that's a very deliberate thing to do. do you think that that adds to the stories, putting a face behind it? >> yeah, absolutely. i mean, i think it's really ease this tiny fringe group controlling the nashtive, they're the only ones saying abortion out loud. but when you tell the truth and say i'm a human being, you know and love me and i've had an abortion and it's normal, it's happening all the time, it's so powerful, and it really breaks down that argument. and it really shows you that anti-choice people are not trying to stop abortion, they're trying to legislate who can and cannot have abortions. all anti-choice rhetoric does, you know, attempts to criminalize abortion or overturn roe, all that's going to do is keep people trapped in poverty and drowning in poverty for generations, that's the goal, and if it wasn't the goal, they'd spend their time and

money on comprehensive sex education, free birth control, free contraception, all the things that actually pro-choice people spend their time on that actually do affect the abortion rate. so, you know, i don't know. ( applause ) >> trevor: it's a beautiful book with an amazing movement behind it, thank you so much for being to be the show. the book, "shout your abortion," is available now. lindy west, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ hey joy! hello thomas. hey. what's the worst part about paying for things you don't want? the-- paying! exactly. and what's the best part about getting things you do want for free? free stuff. precisely. that's why verizon decided everyone in the family should get the unlimited they want without paying for the things they don't,

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