i have to. don't get mad. get e*trade, dawg.

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with any purchase of $12 or more. -hey. -hey. not big on parties, huh? nah. i never know what to do with my hands. -i think i just got cast in "secretariat." -that's amazing. it's everything i ever wanted. -yeah, you seem super-jazzed. -what do i do now? well, that's the problem with life, right? either you know what you want, and then you don't get what you want, or get what you want, and then you don't know what you want. -well, that's stupid. -yeah. i don't know if this makes you more or less excited, but i actually decided to take a job on the secretariat movie as a character consultant. wow, so we're gonna be working together again. yeah. i hope you don't get sick of me. i don't think that's gonna happen. is it weird i took this job? -you literally wrote the book on secretariat. -yeah. i know, i just-- when i first moved to l.a., i thought i was gonna be doing really important work.

you know? just writing stuff that makes a difference. but then you kind of fall into one thing and then another... do you remember the last time i saw you and you asked me if i thought you were a good person deep down? do i remember that? yeah, vaguely. you really caught me off guard. i-i didn't know what to say. well, do you? think i'm a good person deep down? that's the thing. i don't think i believe in deep down. i kind of think all you are is just the things that you do. -well, that's depressing. -(laughs) for what it's worth, i think your writing does make a difference. thanks. i really wanted you to like me, diane. i know. ♪ i know i've dreamed you ♪ a sin and a lie

♪ wild horses ♪ we'll ride them someday olivia: sorry we didn't get you a birthday present. i got so distracted by trying to get tickets to the new kids on the block concert, i completely lost sight of what's important. kids, kids, i don't need a present. i got everything i need right here. audience: aww! macaroni? sabrina! come here, you goofball. -(applause) -♪ (closing theme music playing) -(overlapping chatter) -(laughter) whoa! thanks, man. you're, like, my hero. really? huh.

♪ all i want to know is ♪ can you come a little closer? ♪ ♪ the doors are open the wind is really blowing ♪ ♪ the night sky is changing overhead ♪ comedy central central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause). >> trevor: thank you, i thank

you, welcome to the daily show, thank you for coming out, everybody, take a seat, thank you so much. you are amazing. thank you for tuning in, i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight, star of the new movie second act and international superstar jennifer lopez is here, everybody. (cheers and applause) and please, please don't ask her when she is going to marry me, i told you, i'm not ready to settle down. get over it, but first let's catch up on today's headlines. if. >> as we all know, one in three judges in this country is currently working on a case related to donald trump. but now some of these cases are finally wrapping up. today michael cohen, trump's former lawyer an mounting ray donovan was sentenced to three years in prison. and michael flynn, trump's former national security advisor made an interesting argument for why he shouldn't go to prison at all. >> late last night the lawyers for michael flynn, the president's first national security advisor asked a federal judge to spare him prison time for lying to the fbi back in

january of 2017. flynn's dense feel suggested the fbi may have deuped him into lying when two agents failed to remind flynn that misleading or lying to investigators is in fact a crime. (laughter). >> trevor: yeah, that's right, michael flynn says he didn't know lying to the fbi is a crime. and you know what, i think going forward, everyone working for trump should just be read their mir ana rights on their first day. just be like okay, here is your desk, coffee in the kitchen, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law and fridays are jean's day, have a good time. the question i have is though, can you like really never lie to an fbish agent? like that is what i wonder when i heard this. like never, cuz what if you are friends with an fbi agent, i feel like that is a lot of pressure, you know, because you be will like hey, i can't make it to dinner tonight. >> he will be like why not. >> (laughter) >> because your wife is annoying as shit.

i wanted to lie but i don't want to go to jail. moving on, the trump administration has made so many changes to america over the last two years, right. they made school lunches unhealthier, they made air dirtier, they made prisons whiter and now they are making nuclear waste more approachable. >> the trump administration is proposing to reclassify some radioactive waste to make disposal cheaper and easier. reclassifying high level are active waste could save the agency billions of dollars in decades of cleanup work. some critics say that is because much of the waste could be left in the ground. >> trevor: okay, cool, so they are going to loosen nuclear waste regulationsk yeah, that was the top of my list of things wrong with america, not enough godzilla's running around, that is what i was thinking. it just seems like the trump administration gets a lot of policy ideas from the first ten minutes of disaster movies, right. i wouldn't be surprised if next week trump tells us they are breeding supergorillas for space force, like they are smart, folks, they are strong, and we will keep them in cages until

they are very angry what could go wrong. so yeah, i don't know why they went to this plan. i mean there is a good chance that trump made this rule change just so that he can finally get a strong enough tanning bed. we'll see, we'll see. oh, moving on. here is a headline for you, porn star gets screwed. >> adult film star stormy daniels today was ordered to 35eu president trump nearly $29 3,000 for legal fees, this is related to a defamation suit against the president which was tossed out in october. >> trevor: $29 3,000? how say porn star going to pay por that. they can't even afford to pay the pizza delivery guy. (laughter) that is a lot of money. but you 2340e what, let's run those numbers, let's run those numbers real quick and try to figure this out. so the way it works out here is trump paid stormy daniels $130,000 to stay quiet about the alleged affair. mine us the $29 3,000 she has to

pay trump, so in total, huh, stormy daniels paid $16 3,000 to have sex with donald trump. yeah, maybe he is the master deal maker after all, people. maybe he is. that is a pretty sweet deal. (applause) in fact, in fact, this could be trump's new plan to fund the border wall. he's just going go have sex with everyone in mexico. send me down there, folks, i just need two red bulls and some vas lynn, v vaiz ds lynne, we will get that lawn. and nienlly in 4ed lines, yesterday the c.e.o. of google went to congress to answer questions from lawmakers about some of his company's practices including whether or not the search engine is rigged. and some of the questions maybe seemed too tough to answer. >> right now if you google the word "ideo" under-- idiot under

images, a picture of donald trump comes up, i just did that how would that happen? how does that search work so that that would occur. >> trevor: hmmmm. hmmmm. why does a picture of trump come up when i search for "idio tks" hmmmm, hold on, let me see here, hmmmm. hmmmm. maybe because he is! all right, let's move on to our main story. oh, wow, why does an idiot -- you know sometimes we spend so much covering america's history of racial injustice we fore tbet where it all began. europe, the og of racism, yeah, if america is-- europe is the real king of r action bmp, b, white people ask the black friends what that en masse they will explain it. right now in europe when they are not flipping cars other and setting them on fire they're

having a major debate about what to do with all the art that they borrowed permanently by force from africa. and according to the president of france, it should all be returned. >> president emmanuel macron argues st unacceptable that and 90% of africa's artistic heritage is outside africa and says french law should be changed to make restitution possible. >> 350ebging in burkina faso said it was wrong for only europeans and americans to have access to african art in five years he wanted to start the process for temporary or definitive restitution. >> (applause). >> trevor: yeah, that is pretty amazing. i think that is pretty amazing and very nice of the french president. (applause). >> trevor: although, although it is going to be weird when africa gets all the sculptures back and the africans are like wait a second, why do these smell like cigarettes and-- what is going on here. if after profiting with all the art after all these areas they are just going to give it backk

i don't think it is enough. i think france should give the art back with interest. yeah, they should. (applause) i think africa should choose some european art, they should be like okay, thank you for giving us our art back, we will also take that creepy white lady and the guy with the tiny penis, eh. but couldous to makeron, is he doing something. and unfortunately not everyone in europe is as remorseful as mack long bond, in fact some eur peans in the art world bleen that they did africa a favor by stealing our shit. >> they became works of art because europeans said st art stvment not from africa, it was not art t was-- meant to disappear. >> it was meant to disappear. it was meant to disappear? that is some next level shade. this asshole is saying what when africans made stuff like this, they didn't know that they were making art. so approximate this wasn't art what did africans think they

were making, the world's most uncomfortable butt plug? what were they making. here is another thing, whether it was art or a table or a piece of trash t still belongs to africa. i bleen europe wouldn't stand for it if the situation was reversed. africa couldn't get away with taking anything from europe, even if it was something they didn't want like greece, i mean yeah, sure t doesn't work and it smells like feta cheese but it still belongs in europe and they would want it back. oh, oh, and then you have the europeans who say they wish they could return the art to africa, they really do but they just don't think africa is ready for that kind of responsible. >> with the museums often resisted repatriating art arguing that they can take better care of it. >> returning the object is a point entering into dialogue is the best thing we do, we return the objects to. >> one of these things that looks leak morally on its face, give it back to who it belongs. well, who does it belong to, it has been in that country for over a hundred years and look, france built a whole muse, d

gaboli to respect these object, preserve them, show them. >> yeah, how is africa-- this is sneaky as as logic because their argument is basically you africans can not protect your art, we know that because we stole it from you, we took it all. lev laugh seriously, how dare european yeurp inplie africa can't protected its art. you want to talk security, you have sleepy museum cops guarding your art, we have lions, bitch, okay, we have lions and they will guard that better than anybody, oh, shit, bad, simba, simba, come on, holding us back, man. now look, it is trueafter qua's-- africa's museums might not be as modern as europes but if you are that concerned about it, how about just making the mew seems in africa better take a tiny piece of that sweet colonialism money and build a museum in africa that you feel confident in, yeah? why not. we're we're in the too proud to take your money.

in fact, you can venmo it to me directly. i will pass it along, i promise. but maybe the most insulting solution to this debate is the one that belgium has decided on. >> the former royal museum of central africa in belgium is reopening amid a storm of controversy. >> the newly named africa museum chronicles the colonial era of the belgium congresso it holds one world's largest collection ofafter quan art. >> they are closed the colonial mu seesm, we decided we will stay here. >> the museum has chosen to retain the original presentation of the exhibit but explain their historical context. >> trevor: oh, that is really interesting. so in belgium, instead of giving the art back, they are going to keep all of it, and then just tell museums visitors that all of the art is stolen. which is really nice because by providing context they're going to-- get the [bleep] out of here, man! how is that supposed to make us feel better. what is this bull sz hit we're not going to give you your shit

back, you know what i will do, i will book a ticket, i will steal all their waffles and berets or whatever they [bleep] they have over there and like we are belgium and we want our waffles back and i will be actually i'm going to keep this waffle but i will tell everyone it was yours. will tell everyone it was yours. we'll be right back. ♪ and you're wondering who to call ♪♪ ♪ for a little company

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>> trevor: welcome back to the daily show, i'm so excited. stt holiday season. a time that is best spent with family and close friends. which is why to talk about the holidays we're joined by my close friend neal brennan, everybody. >> in the spirit of christmas, i brought you a gift. >> trevor: that's my book that i gave to you last christmas. >> i know. it's great and i don't want to spoil the ending. but he goes on to host "the daily show."

>> trevor: wow, thank you, neal. >> you're welcome. trevor, even though i'm clearly in the christmas spirit, it turns out not everybody is. >> parents at a new jersey school seeing red tofnt. >> they say a substitute teacher was a real grinch. >> angry parents in the city say the sub told their kids that santa isn't real. she didn't stop there, she went on to say that reindeer can't fly, and that elves don't exist, the bah humbug behavior was reported by another adult who happened it to be in the room at the same time. >> the superintendent there confirmed she was fired. >> trevor: wow, that was-- whoa, that is horrible. i feel so bad for those kids. i feel bad for the teacher. >> for the teacher, she shouldn't have been fired. she should have been promoted. >> trevor: but she spoiled christmas for all of those kids, shouldn't we let children believe in fantasy and bond sner. >> no, because those kids grow up to be adults who believe in fantasy and wonder. and the world is falling apart because of it. first it is santa is real. then it is climate change is not

real. then it's vaccines are bad. now my girlfriend has polio. thank, santa. >> trevor: your girlfriend-- wait, wait, why is it santa's fault? >> santa is the gateway drug to believing lies because they're fun. and i'm tired of it. we're up to our necks in bullshit. the world needs more reality. you ready? you ready for some reality? (cheers and applause) >> all right, here's some reality. cleanse diets don't work. lemon juice, honey and cayenne pepper, that is not a magical he lex ir, that is prison gatorade. none of these new age remedies are going to make you live longer. my mom is 85 because of genetics. not because gwyneth paltrow taught her how to steam her vagina. at least i dop think, i haven't kept up with my mom's vagina since i moved out.

(laughter) my point is detoxes don't work, yet they're a billion dollar industry. >> trevor: okay, neal, neal, who cares if people do a detox once in a while it is not something that will come back to hurt them. >> okay, you want to talk about something with consequences, here we go. hey, everybody, alexa is not your friend. (laughter) she transmits everything that happens in your house to amazon. if you hired a woman named alexa and she said to best assist you i am going to record everything you say in private and send it to jeff bezos i would say to her hey, alexa, get the [bleep] out of my house. (applause) and yet we're all scarving up alexas, thanks, isn'ta. >> trevor: how is santa relateed to alexa. >> they are the same thing. someone we willingly let that our house who knows if we are naughty or nice.

that is not holiday magic, that is surveillance. >> trevor: neal, dude, i feel like you are just ruining everything. >> okay, this one is personal t is for you. you know how are you always telling me we should go see a movie? there is no reason to go to the movies any more. >> trevor: but some films you need to season the big screen. >> no, can i pay $25 to northbound a theatre or pay nothing and i'm in a theatre. >> trevor: but there is no popcorn strks not the same. >> shhh. black people always talking at the movies. >> trevor: neal, come on, dude, no. let the 350e78 have some fun, man. >> no, fun is killing the world. facts only. you ready for some more facts. >> yeah! >> here's another one. all wine kind of tastes the same. (laughter) (applause) >> yeah. you can pretend there's

smokeiness or a hint of oak, and put it in a sexy glass but we all know what it tastes like, old ass grapes. you know who i blame for that? here's a hint, he's fat, lives in the arctic circle and doesn't exist. >> trevor: neal, neal, neal. i don't think i can ever have you back on the show at this rate, man. >> great, then let's go for broke. trump is gonna get away with this. this guy is touched by an angel, boo all you want. he's not going to get impeached. listen to me, he's figured out a way to cheat on his pregnant wife with a porn star and a playmate, then cover it up with hush money in the middle av a presidential election which he lost by three million votes and still won. (laughter) he is not getting impeached. the only way he is leaving office is if democrats beat him in 2020. which brings me to my next stinger. democrats aren't going to beat him in 2020.

>> trevor: whoa, whoa, whoa. >> go ahead, whoa, whoa, whoa all you want but in your heart you know democrats will trip all over themselves and blow it show. >> trevor: neal, why would you say stg like that here in front of all these snowflakes, why, neal? >> because republicans buy into their candidate. show the republicans any old white man and they are good to go. democrats are so picky when it comes to presidential candidates. democrats are like your fussy friend at a restaurant. they got too many questions, too many substitutions, they are like can i have the fried chicken but instead of fried, can it be grilled. and instead of chicken can it be fish? no, then i am ordering the jill stein as a protest order. >> trevor: so let me get this straight. you think all of that will be figured if we just tell the kids the truth about santa. >> yes, buddy. because the truth is always better. kids, let uncle neal chat with you for a minute.

santa didn't bring you those gifts. your parents paid for them. how? by working their fingers to the bone at a job they hate that doesn't pay them enough. so they go into debt to put a smile on your little face. a debt which has compounding interest that they will never truly get out from under. st just grows and grows and grows, weighing them down for their entire life until they are finally freed from their obligations by the sweet release of death. and that, children, is the true meaning of christmas. (laughter) (applause). >> trevor: neal brennan, everyone. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (applause)

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