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- there he is! so did you break a million yet?

- no, i didn't break a million pointseak and unlock superstardom, all right?rstardo i'm done with that stupid game. - aw, come on. once you start playing guitar hero,e you can't stop till you reach the top.eac - i just want to find something else to play.hins - have you played rehab hero?? you get chased by a big dragon, but you keep running away from it.way - i just want a nice, simple driving game. how's that? ? - sure, kid, sure.sure, k - ♪ you and me go forever and ever ♪ - all right, that was the splindiffs.tt and now here's a hit you all remember. it's the song that two local fourth grade boys scored 100,000 points to on guitar hero. don't know whatever happened to those boys.hape i guess they're not playing the game anymore.e not l - ♪ once i rose above the noise and confusion ♪ and con ♪ just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion ♪ ♪ i was soaring ever higher ♪ ♪ just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion ♪ ♪ but i flew too high [tires squealing]

♪ though my eyes could see, i still was a blind man ♪ee ♪ though my mind could think, i still was a madman ♪ ♪ i hear the voices when i'm dreaming ♪ [engine revving]( e ♪ i can hear them say m sa♪ [skid row's i remember you playing] ♪ - ♪ woke up to the sound of pouring rain ♪ds ♪ the wind would whisper ♪ and i'of yink of you ♪ and all the tears you cried that called my name ♪ ♪ and when you needed me - kyle, could i just talk to you for, like, five minutes?ute - what are you doing here? - please, it won't take long.l - god damn it.mn it. we're gonna take a short break. be back in five.take - ♪ when love went blind and you would make me see ♪ when - i was listening to you for a while. dude, you've gotten a lot better.en a lot - oh, thank you!h, thank i was so eagerly awaiting your approval of my abilities. - look, kyle, the game is still set up at my house.s

maybe we could go try playing it again over there.g - oh, so the gallant knight now comes to rescue me com from the bowels of mediocrity.r oh, thank you, your royal lordship. - that isn't it at all. - you don't get it, stan! gt i can play here all i want. i even get free frescas.t ! i don't need you anymore.eed you - i know. i need you. i thought i was having hav a great timeas because i was getting signed by managersd by man and going to big sex and coke parties,s, but then i realized i was having funas havg because i was doing all thatf that with my best friend. - it was pretty fun, wasn't it? wa yea - yeah. - look, i doubt we could break a million together anyway.lion g - i don't care. i'd just like to play pl with you again...to - i don't really see the fun in...see th not trying to kick that game's ass once and for all.ass n - you mean it? - i think we can do it, stan!can do i i've been close to a million a few times by myself! - then let's go, dude! - oh, wait. wait. i'm supposed to play here.

hey, nick, would you mind if i just stepped out for a--stepped - go on. get out of here, kid. -, . who needs your whalin' and rockin' around here anyways? - thanks, nick.thank - all right, dude, let's do this.dude, what the hell? - come on, come on! you almost got me! almost catch me! come on! - aw, god damn it! dad, geaw,ff our xbox. - hang on, i almost caught the dragon!i almost - you almost got me. - no, me and kyle are gonna play guitar hero.are - i can get him! i n wait! where's he going now?where - you don't ever catch the dragon, dad!ne d - no! no, i said! said ! i am your father! put it back on! a - mom, will you get dad out of here?dad out - ugh, stop cheating, craig!heating - how was that cheating?chen - 'cause you tricked me, you black asshole! - fellasfefellas! they're gonna do it!

- stan and kyle,n the they're about to break a million on guitar hero and unlock superstardom! they're about to break a million on guitar hero - oh, let's go! - come on!! [wolfmother's woman playing] ♪ - they're gonna do it! [cheers and applause on tv] - they did it! - oh, my sweet j-jesus!eetj - you have played guitar hero enough to reach 1 million points!e mili congratulations!! [crowd cheering] - that's it? - god damn it. god damn it.goddam [door slams] - butters, you want to play me next? - okay. o but i get to be the one that betrays you

after the sex and drugs party!ysgs pay captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: thank you so much. you're far too kind. welcome, everybody. welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah." thank you so much. take a seat. wow! you guys are nice. you guys are warm. this is great. i'm trevor noah. tonight we have two amazing guests joining us on the show. first, renown journalist bob woodward is here, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) a true legend. and then singer and actor janelle monae is going to be here. ( cheers and applause )

but first, let's catch up on today's headlines. as you may know, kevin hart stepped down from hosting the oscars last week. although ,i don't know how you step down from anything when you're his height. ( laughter ) and now the oscars are trying to find a host who has no history of offensive tweets, which means nobody. ( laughter ) >> the oscars may go without a host. published reports say the academy is considering scrapping the gig after kevin hart stepped down. the academy held a board meeting last night, but so far, no official word on the host position. the oscars have gone hostless before, but not since 1988. >> trevor: nooooo! the oscars will have no host! but who will introduce the person who introduces the presenter who introduces the nominees? who will tell me that amy adams is in the audience? no!

seriously, sometimes i don't get the oscars. it's like, why does america celebrate the best movies with the worst tv show? like, i don't get it. like, if you ask me, they should use this opportunity to revamp the entire show. yeah. don't have a host. in fact, don't even have a presenter for the awards, right. the people in each category should have to announce who gets their award. then we really get to see best actor, yeah. when you have to give it to someone else. "the winner is-- oh, hell-- yay!" ( laughter ) and, also, and, also, they should change the "in memoriam" segment. instead of showing the people who died last year, they should show the people they think are going to die next year. then they can enjoy the applause now, yeah. moving on. holland tunnel, right here in new york city, it's one of the most frustrating tunnels to drive through. but not everyone hates it for the same reason. >> a new jersey man is taking on the port authority. he is not happy with how they've decked the halls at the holland

tunnel and he wants the decorations to be changed. >> on the new jersey side of the holland tunnel, a wreath covers the "o" in holland perfectly this time of year like it was designed for that spot. another wreath covers the "u" in tunnel snugly. and then there's the tree. >> you're creeping up inch by inch, and that tree is just staring at you, and you go, how is that not in the right place? >> the right place for the tree, cory windelspecht says, is over the preceding "a," which would, he says... >> seem to fit a tree shape perfectly. ( laughter ) >> trevor: yo, yo, ladies, ladies, find you a man who cares about you as much as this guy cares about the holland tunnel's christmas decorations. ( laughter ) now, this guy's been so serious, and he's pushed so hard, that the state has said they're actually going to consider changing the decorations. but i can only imagine all the new jersey bureaucracy that's going to be involved. you know. it's going to be people in new jersey being like, "you got to fill out form w-7j, but because

it's jersey ,it's going to be like on the form you got a (bleep) problem, tough guy? followed by form j-27, where you explain, wait, you know little anthony? from the old neighborhood. no kidding. his ma used to make the test chicken cutlets. moving on to international news, poor britain, guys. in 2016, they voted for brexit, which was to leave the european union, but they can't figure out a to do it without screwing themselves. in fact this week, theresa may, their prime minister offered a brexit plan that was so unpopular that her own party held a vote to kick her out of office. yeah. now, she survived that vote. and the good news actually for her is she won. but the bad news is, she has had to promise that as soon as brexit is done, she will leave which is a terrible deal for her. basically it's i'll do the worst part of the job and then i'll quit. it's also bade goal diehl for britain because you don't want someone doing a tough job if they know they're going to be

fired no matter what happens. if i was a surgeon and i knew i was going to be fired after doing a kidney transplant, you better believe i would be replacing that kidney with a whoopie cushion. i'm out! what do you want me to do? i'm out! i'm gone! ( applause ) but now, but now in an interesting twist, britain might have an out because the european court-- the e.u. court has just ruled if britain wants to it can cancel brexit without face anything repercussions. which sounds like a great deal to me. i wish there were bad decisions i could magically undo without any repercussions, but i can't. and now i'm pregnant. ( laughter ) finally, let's talk about christmas shopping. it's the only time of the year you're allowed it fight an old lady for a panini press. ( laughter ) and everyone knows that when it comes to gift giving, it's the thought that counts. well, not everyone knows. >> donald trump jr. is revealing what christmas is like in the trump family. the president's eldest son said his father is a "re-gifter."

>> there was one chrismas where he may or may not have given me the gift i had given him the year before because i monogrammed it. and it was like, "here." i was like, "i know you didn't get that." "how do you know that?" "because i gave it to you last year." >> trevor: you laugh now, don jr., but wait until next year when he tries to re-gift you his subpoenas. "oh, look, it says you're impeached and you're going to jail. merry christmas, son." you know -- i ( cheers and applause ) i don't know-- i don't know what's more awkward, trump re-gifting something to his son or the time he gave melania and stormy daniels the same penis. ( laughter ) ooooohhhh! ooooohhhh! ooooohhhh! ooooohhhh! ooooohhhh! ooooohhhh! ooooohhhh!

did i do that? ( laughter ) all right, let's move on to our main story. yesterday, michael cohen, trump's former attorney and world's droopiest man, was sentenced to threes years in prison. for arranging payments prison for arranging payments to cover up trump's affairs. and no wonder this guy looks so sad. he's going to jail and his arm has no bones in it. ( laughter ) and can i just say, can i just say, i don't get why trump and his people paid women to keep quiet about his affairs. it's a waste of money. we all know the guy has affairs. if anything, the women should be paying trump hush money. they should be like, "hey, donald, let's just keep this between us and your cheese doodle, yeah? don't tell anybody." and now, look, i know that it seems like every day there's a new bombshell in the trump story, but this update, this update could actually be major. >> another friend of the

president is now cooperating. prosecutors say the publisher of "the national enquirer" agreed to talk about paying hush money to cover up an alleged sexual affair for the president. >> prosecutors revealed yesterday they struck a deal not to charge the "enquirer's" parent company a.m.i. for its involvement. in exchange, a.m.i. admitted that its principal purpose in make the payment was to suppress the woman's story to prevent it from influencing the election." >> trevor: okay, now this is massive. "the national enquirer" has agreed to testify against donald trump. and i know you're wondering, what, could a gossip magazine possibly tell prosecutors?" what are they going to be like, "i'll tell you everything i know. here are five celebs who look fat on vacation. i'll tell you, and you won't believe number four." ( laughter ) but in this case it's a big deal because "the national enquirer" has been tight with trump for decades, so tight, in fact, that if anybody had a scandalous story about trump, "the national enquirer" would pay for that story and literally lock it away in a safe.

and now, now that they're cooperating with the feds, we may get to see what's in that safe, which means chuck schumer can put his favorite cat suits away. ( laughter ) yeah, yeah. you can change out of that, chuck. we're good. ( laughter ) although, if there is a safe filled with trump secrets, i just assume whoever answers it immediately gets h.p.v. it's like bleh, bleh! now look, now look, paying people hush money is not a crime. remember this. but if it turns out that a presidential candidate secretly used campaign funds to hide damaging information from voters, that is a felony. and today ,it's being reported that donald trump was actually in the room when the whole plan was hatched. which is a big deal. because, remember, he wasn't even in the room when his own son was hatched, yeah. ( laughter ) and that's right, i said it. eric is part bird. ( laughter ) it's one of the stories "the national enquirer" locked away, people. so the president is implicated in a criminal conspiracy.

and most people agree that this looks really bad for president trump. but according to many top republicans, no, it doesn't. >> if schiff is taking this beyond to go forward and saying there's an impeachable offense because of a campaign finance problem, there are a lot of people in congress who would have to leave for that same place. -- we're going to become a banana republic where every president gets prosecuted and everybody gets thrown in jail when they're done with office. >> trevor: did he just say that upholding the law will turn america into a banana republic? is that what he just said? this is my point: how are lawmakers going on tv complaining about the law when they make the law? they're out there like, "these laws are crazy." you make the law! this would be like god complaining to us about the commandments. "oh, i mean, what do you mean i shall not covet. have you seen greg's wife? have you seen her? have you seen her instagram? i can't-- i can't croil myself."

seriously, his argument is that politicians shouldn't be held accountable for campaign finance violation laws. but if campaign finance laws aren't for politicians, then who the (bleep) are at a of they for? ( cheers and applause ) but at least-- at least those politicians-- at least those republicans pretended they had a reason. >> the democrats will do anything to hurt this president, anything. >> but this is not the democrats. this is the southern district of new york, the u.s. attorney. that's what is making these allegations? >> okay, but i don't care. all i can say is he's doing a good job as president. >> trevor: really? you think he's doing a good job as president? orrin hatch, you need to get your imaginary glasses checked, my friend. that's what you need to do. you need to get them checked. okay?

( cheers and applause ) and, also, and, also, doing a good job doesn't absolve you of previous crimes. all right, the hamburgler did a good job of volunteering for doctors without borders, but that doesn't change the fact that he stole all those big macs and exposed himself to grimace. it's still a crime. and ,look, i understand, i understand the republicans' desire to protect their party's president, i get that. but they're pivoting so far just to defend them that they're moving away from what they said the republican party stands for in the first place: law and order. >> no one is above the law. the american people have a right to know the answers and to know what was going on here. >> we should treat people fairly. no one should be above the rules, and no one should be above the laws. >> we are enforcing the laws as they exist on the books. >> i can say that it is very biblical to enforce the law. that is actually repeated a number of times throughout the bible. >> we must maintain law and

order at the highest level, or we will cease to have a country. 100%. i am the "law and order" candidate. >> trevor: "that's right, folks. i am the 'law and order' candidate, as in i will break the law in order to become president." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back. i got beaten within an inch of my life because i was different. [ grunts ] it's a hate crime. so, i created a world where i could be anyone i want. this is hoagie, kind of a braver versions of me. we're one in the same pal. i walk in your shoes. ♪ i got dreams in my head... ♪ you need to face those jerks who beat you up. i'm not really sure how to do this. if i can be a hero, so can you. yee-haw!

lights, ornaments, chand lil choo choo trains.. c'mon. the best trees, they kinda only need two things. peanut butter and chocolate. not sorry. reese's.

♪ there's no place likargh!e ♪ i'm trying... ♪ yippiekiyay. ♪ mom. ♪

( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is the legendary, pulitzer prize-winning investigative journalist, bestselling author, and associate editor of "the washington post." his latest book is called "fear: trump in the white house." please welcome bob woodward. ( cheers and applause )

>> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you. great to be here. >> trevor: can i just tell you, one of my favorite experiences was i was doing shows in washington, d.c., and i-- i went to eat at a restaurant, and you were eating at the same restaurant. and you got up to-- you were just leaving the restaurant, i guess. but it felt like everyone in d.c., like, turns to look at you, like, "that's the guy who could write about us and end our careers." ( laughter ) you-- you-- >> i remember that night. my fly was down. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i don't remember, because i was looking at your eyes, bob. ( laughter ) you have written about nine presidents. it feels like for a long time, people always regarded you as "bob woodward, the journalist who is impartial. he writes the story as it is." i mean, you wrote about nixon as well. you wrote about nine presidents.

this book feels different, though. it still feels like you're impartial, but it feels-- it feels like it really, really condemns president trump. >> because of the evidence. ( laughter ) time and time again. ( applause ) if-- if-- if you look for-- for a summary, it's a war on truth, and he's making all these decisions in foreign policy and the economy, and it's not based on facts. and so, i think we're really-- i think this is a pivot moment. >> trevor: right. >> and the country needs to come to grips with what's going on. and there are going to be investigations going on for years probably. but here you have a situation where the president-- people who work for him, have to take

papers off his desk in order to prevent him from beginning a catastrophe. like, there was an order about a trade agreement in south korea, and you think, "oh, that's just a trade agreement." but it's a part of an alliance with south korea. >> trevor: right. >> and gary cohn, his top economic aide, says, "i have to take that in order to prevent a calamity." now, i have-- i've done this for 47 years, and i've never seen people who felt there was such an emergency. >> trevor: there is always something people bring up. and people say this is like nixon. this shady dealing, this is just like nixon. you actually wrote about nixon. you are, in many ways, part of the reason that nixon got into the strubl that he got into. now, do you think this is similar to richard nixon?

>> we're going to find out. and it all depends on the quality of evidence. and there's a lot of aroma. there are lots of things going on. as you rightly pointed out-- wait a minute, these are violations of the law. when does it get so serious that the republicans will wake up? that's the question. and they now are the enablers of trump in all of this stuff. and you get to them privately and you say, "what do you think?" and they say, "my head hurts so hard." tough. we are, you know, this-- look, i mean, just take-- in the book, john dowd, who was trump's personal attorney in the mueller investigation, worked with him for eight months, closely, big supporter. and said, "okay, you're going to have to testify to the special counsel, mueller." and trump says, "okay. i can do that. no problem." so they do a practice session, and trump starts making up

things, lying, blows up, and in-- >> trevor: in the practice session. >> in the practice session. and this is-- his lawyers say, "you can't testify. if you testify, you will perjure yourself, and you'll wind up in an orange jumpsuit. like the one you picture trump in. >> trevor: right. >> and then he finally concludes that trump is an effing liar. i know you're not supposed to say that word on the air. >> trevor: you can say it here. you can say it here. >> oh, you can. okay. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: here's something that you might be able to help me understand. if i just look at it, on the face of it, one thing we have always said is he has earned the nickname teflon don. it seems like nothing sticks to donald trump. do you think there's a world where cohen goes down, flynn goes down, manafort goes down,

papadopoulos goes down, everybody around him goes down, and he miraculously comes out unscathed? >> we don't know. but having cohen, the personal lawyer, for 10 years, we know cohen taped all kinds of things. in the nixon case, it was thousands of hours of tapes. i don't think those exist. but if there's one witness you want, it's the president's lawyer. because ,you see, when trump was in new york real estate, they-- people would do deals with him, and they called it "the donald risk," taking any arrangement with him. and what they made sure they did is they would structure the deal so he couldn't get his hands on the cash flow, on the money. because he would just take it out, and they would try to prevent that from happening. so the operation-- saddest

moment in journalism in american politics of the last decade is we did not get his tax records. we should know his tax returns. if anyone out there has them, please let me know. ( laughter ) ( applause ) really. >> trevor: oh, man. thank you so much for being on the show. the book is phenomenal. a true legend. bob woodward, everybody. "fear" is available now. go and get it. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) (atlas) do humans know they are paying too much with verizon? (paul) no, they just don't know that sprint's unlimited plan gives you 5 lines for just $24 dollars per month, per line. (mom) wow, that would save us... (atlas)...nearly $1,000 dollars? (mom) what about the network? (paul) now sprint has lte advanced. (atlas) it's up to two times faster than before. (mom) no way! (dad) robots don't lie. (atlas) the man in the mom jeans is correct.

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