death toll rises to three thousand, people from all over the country are looking to the mayor of south park for answers. and it appears as if the major is going to explain matters now. ladies and gentlemen, the mayor of south park regrets that she cannot be here herself, but she is sick. sure. what kind of lame excuse is that ? you gotta be kidding me. all this is ridiculous. come on, we want answers. she's having her period. oh. we do, however, have an official statement for all the concerned cities about the matter with the giant snake that we can't seem to put out. we're sorry, our bad. thank you, that is all. okay. no first graders around. i can swim to the deep end. i can do it. i can do it. i can do, i'm gonna make it.

how many days left in summer ? a lot, i think. dammit, i just want it to snow again. i don't think it matters, dude. this giant snake is gonna kill everyone soon. buenos gracias boys, hi uncle jimbo. oh, now why the long faces ? we're bored. there's nothing to do. well, i don't think those are problems that some tijuana bottle rockets can't solve. ( together ) hooray. careful with those now, those are dangerous. point them away from your eyes now. wow, these are huge. oh, look at them, ned. look how much happiness a little fire power can bring to a child. hey, look, we blew up the snake. all the ash from the snake is putting the flame out. well, how do you like that ? bottle rockets saved the fourth of july. ( together ) hooray. i'm gonna make it. i'm gonna make it to the deep end. i did it ! i did it ! i made it to the deep end ! hooray for me !

( female ) the snakes been destroyed. the pool's open ! huh ? ( whistle blowing ) you sons of bitches ! sons of bitches ! look, they put out the snake. yes, apparently my plan to blow up the snake worked perfectly. hey, look it's snowing. well, it's snowing black ash but what the hell. ( laughing ) winter's back. wow, it's a black blizzard. mr. garrison, where's mr. hat ? oh, i'm through with mr. hat. he's a two timing whore. from now on, children, you're all gonna be learning from mr. twig. that's right, children. i'll see you in the fall. well, i can hardly wait.

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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: oh, man! welome to "the daily sho w," i'm trevor noah! our guest tonight is an advocate for women's rights and has a new book about refugee girls, malala yousafzai is here, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) true superstar. but before we get into the news, happy new year, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) good to be back.

my new year's resolution was to stop eating cigarettes. lasted two days. going well. ( laughter ) i had a great vacation. i had vocal chord surgery done at the end of last year. the doctor was amazing, it went well, so thank you to the doctor. then i had a vacation in california with my friends, it was sunny, and i went to theme parks, my greatest joy, riding on rollercoasters because, in south africa, the most intense one goes around, like, once. then i used to see american ones, and i said, so many spins! so that was my dream. so i wanted to ride the rollercoasters. people saw me on the instagram and said how do you ride rollercoasters when you don't have a voice? the key is to have one of your best friends rides with you, and you've got to make sure the best friend has a voice and uses it appropriately on a rollercoaster. one of my best friends from

south africa, i make sure i sit next to hem on the roller coster and record our journeys together, and you understand why i don't need a voice because this is what he does whenever we ride together. ( screaming ) (~bleep ) ( screaming ) ( laughter ) oh, man! yeah. and by the way, that's also how the democrats were watching the elections in 2016. ( laughter ) it's officially 2019, so let's catch up on today's headlines. as you probably know by now, democrats took control of the house of representatives for the first time in eight years. that's right. ( cheers and applause ) you realize the last time the

democrats had this much power in congress, there were only two transformers movies and harvey weinstein only looked like a creep. we were so innocent then. but that was then, this is now. democrats control the house and hit the ground running. they've introduced voting reforms, talked about infrastructure and prescription drug pricing. but for one incoming congresswoman, a different priority. >> hours after making history as the first palestinian-american woman sworn into congress, michigan democrat rashida talib is sparking a fire storm, caught on camera telling a crowd last night when she told her son about the president. >> we're going to go in there and we're going to teach the (~bleep ) -- ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: sit down, please! a lot of people thought it was cool ra rashida talib used this kind of language but frankly, i was disappointed. i don't think she should have called president trump mother

(~bleep ). i think it's laysy. you had three years to prepare and mother (~bleep ) is all you could come up with? she should have been like we should have gone in there and impeached that car rot combover -- that would have been more appropriate. the pacific ocean is full of garbage. it's basically hawaii and eight billion dasani bottles. one tacuma jawara had a plan to clean it up and it didn't work out. >> an effort to skin nearly two trillion pieces of plastic from the ocean appearance to be gone bulls. >> boyer slat says the system consisting of massive pipe and underwater skirt is towed back to port after a nearly 60-foot section of the boom broke off. we first met slat in september before the launch. >> are you sure it will work? >> no, that's what we'll see in the coming months. >> slat says, after repairs, the

system should be back skimming trash from the great garbage patch later this year. >> trevor: man, being a white guy rocks. this did kidd goes to an interview and says, honestly, i have no idea if this is going to work, and they're, like, we're all white here, here's $20 million, clean it up. then it breaks, and they're, like, that was a huge waste of money, let's do it again! but to be fair, you have to do something, there's so much garbage in the ocean. i feel the next aqua man movie will be him trying to get out of a six-pack ring for hours, strangling, batman, help me! sorry, i don't have the scissors in the suit. i didn't bring it. it's no my other suit. ( laughter ) our top story, the wall. it's not only one of the lead characters in the "game of thrones," it's also president trump's most famous campaign promise. now, according to trump, the wall is almost completely built

and america is safer than ever before. but, at the same time, according to trump, he also says there was no wall and america is in grave danger. and i know those messages seem contradictory but remember, the bible does this all the time in. the old testament is bible is like, don't eat shrimp! then in the new testament, jesus took everyone to red lobster. and everyone is, like, why are we here, jesus? because you (~bleep ) me good, judas. jesus knew the future. that was the whole point of the joke. ( laughter ) when republicans controlled congress, trump couldn't get funding for the wall. so with the democrats in the house, no surprise the situation escalated. >> a new year, a new congress in washington and trump's shutdown enters its third week. 17 days and counting as president trump refuses to back down on his budget demand of $5 billion for a border wall with mexico, and the government

remains in partial shutdown. >> democrats standing firm that no taxpayer dollars be used to build a wall. >> the president repeatedly promised that mexico would pay for his unnecessary and ineffective border wall. >> friday, he suggested the shutdown may last months or years. >> if we have to stay out for a very long period of time, we're going to do that. >> trevor: wow, the shutdown could keep going for years? i bet trump is hoping if it goes on long enough, america can't afford to have another election, and then he can keep being president. he's, like, unfortunately, there's not enough money for an election, folks. we only have the funds to print one ballot, and i get to use it, so my vote is for ches the cheetah. anyone who wears sunglasses inside is. >> if you leave your cats home alone for the weekend, they may not love it but they will be

fine, they will drink toilet water or something. if you're gone for six months, you will need new cats, right? because they escape and then they leave. ( laughter ) and 17 days into this shutdown, let's just say that america's cats are starting to stink. >> tonight nearly a dozen departments and agencies have run out of funding. roughly 25% of the federal government gone dark. >> here are those departments -- agriculture, commerce, justice, homeland security, housing and urban development, interior, state transportation, treasury. >> many judges are furloughed, creating a backlog in the immigration court system. >> then there are the farmers already under duress from the president's trade war with china, the shutdown means they're not getting the stimulus payments promised by their government. >> the ripple effects expending to the national parks, piling up garbage, human waste, turning them into health hazards.

>> they're taking cares of business along pathways and in the woods. >> trevor: the shutdown is so bad that in national parks americans are pooping on the ground. who's the shithole country now? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) at the same time, though, i thought shitting on the ground is just what you do when you go camping in the woods. i don't know why this is a problem. i don't go camping because i'm black. but it's what i assumed people do. the shutdown has gotten so bad the national zoo in washington, d.c. has had to close everything down, including their beloved panda cam, which broke my heart, because i love the panda cam. i relate to pandas. i, too, am half black, half white and i also don't want to have kids. so i decided the "the daily show" was goin going to do someg about the panda cam being down

which is why we brought a live panda to the show! ( cheers and applause ) no, guys, i'm messing with you. we can't afford to bring the panda here. we don't have the oliver hbo money. we canal the star of our panda cam, michael kosta, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> this is humiliating, trevor. i'm a grown man. >> trevor: i don't want to cut you off. can you chew on the bamboo while you speak, please? ( laughter ) >> fine. what i was saying is this is undignified and if you keep treating us this way, we won't be around much longer. >> trevor: he's so cute, look at him with his little stick. thanks, panda, we'll check in later. where were we? the government shutdown. the shutdown is affecting lots of people, but the people it's affecting most, most directly, are the government workers themselves. you see, 800,000 federal employees aren't getting paid

right now and, for a lot of them, it's really hitting hard. >> americans are talking about the tough financial challenges they face on twitter, using had been tag shutdown stories. ernie says thankfully the auto loan was able to defer the truck payment till january but may be evected february 1. sarah puts her family's struggle into perspective saying my children don't care about walls. they do care about having a warm house to live in, car to ride in, clothes to wear and food in their bellies, none of which is possible if their mom can't go to work. >> the president says their pain is for a hiring purpose. >> the people that won't get next week's pay or the following week's pay, i think if you ever really looked at those people, i think they would say, mr. president, keep going, this is far more important. >> trevor: why is trump fantasizing about what people are saying about the shutdown instead of just listening to what they're saying about the shutdown? he's fantasizing saying, i think

what they would be saying is we're saying we hate it! we want our money! shhh! be quiet! i'm trying to imagine what you would be saying. say would be saying i'm so handsome -- ( laughter ) before you get totally mad at trump, he isn't the kind of person to kick people out of work without offering help. his office of personnel management is giving unpaid government workers handy advice on how to cope without cash. >> the u.s. office of personnel management has advice for the federal employees on how to deal with their precarious financial situations. they make this suggestion -- federal employees should offer to perform chores in exchange for rent payments. one example, the sample letter to a landlord that reads in part, i would like to discuss with you the possibility of trading my services to perform maintenance, for example, painting, carpentry work in exchange for apartment rent payments. >> trevor: you want people to trade rent for carpentry?

we're going back to the barter system? i knew trump would make america go backwards but not to the middle ages. we're three weeks from america being a full-on bart system. as an africa-american, i will tell you you don't want the barter system. how many goats is an iphone work? making change for a goat is not pretty, folks. ( laughter ) as dire as the consequences seem, the shutdown shows no signs of coming to an end. yeah. it's a record right now, and that's really depressing news because everyone doesn't know when it's going to end, we don't know where it's going to go, which is why i thank god every day for our panda cam. pan dark, what are you doing? michael, you're supposed to doing this for the real people. pandas wouldn't be reading michelle obama's book. >> are pandas' republican? >> trevor: no, drop the book. do panda stuff.

roll around on the ground and shit. >> is this what you want, trevor? are you not entertained? huh? i don't want to do this anymore. no, i'm act violating my white privilege. yeah. no, not doing it. >> trevor: i'm sorry, you're activating your what? >> my white privilege, yeah. >> trevor:. >> sir, you have been upgraded to first class, right this way. >> see? >> trevor: i knew it was a real thing. michael kosta, everyone. we'll be right back.

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to create the most advanced range of sports fuel. gatorade. you fuel us. we fuel you. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." ( cheers and applause ) in the past year, the #metoo movement has exposed many powerful men who used their positions to get away with sexual assault. but there is one person who has consistently avoided punishment even as he racked up tons of allegations, r. kelly. ( booing ) but now that may finally change.

>> for decades as his career soared, singer r. kelly denied sexual misconduct. but now some of his victims are speaking out in a do cue series about the sexual, mental and physical abuse they claim they suffered at his hands. he's the singer known for hits i believe i can fly and ignition. ♪ ♪ but these days r. kelly may be just as well known for the decades of allegations against him of domestic abuse and sex with minors. >> trevor: a documentary came out and six parts long, a ton of accusations. r. kelly has more skeletons than a saudi embassy, and the new documentary has been getting a lot of attention, resulting in one strange side effect. >> while surviving r. kelly was trending number one on twitter in his debut, his music was getting renewed interest as

well. with reports his music on some platforms have seen a spike in streams. >> trevor: just so we're on the same page, america sees this documentary about r. kelly and underage girls and now they're consuming more of his music? these are the same people probably who ordered more salad when they learned romaine lettuce was killing people. who died? man, give me a side salad. i know lettuce wouldent do that to no one who didn't deserve it! we turn to roy wood, jr. for more, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) roy, i don't get it, man. this documentary comes out, right, and somehow, his music is more popular. what on earth is going on? >> well, first of all, (~bleep ) r. kelly. ( cheering ) just get that out of the way. there's no way -- there's no way to watch this documentary and still be a fan of this guy. to be honest, i think the only reason he's been getting away

with this as long as he has is because he was doing it to black girls. i mean, he married aaliah when she was 15 and nothing happened. if he even thought about marrying that bald headed girl from stranger things, america would be, like, i believe you can fly your ass to prison! ( laughter ) >> trevor: the bald headed girl, millie bobby brown? >> the black community only recognizes one bobby brown at a time. ( laughter ) >> trevor: why are these allegations increasing his music's popularity? >> i don't know, but i tell you what isn't helping, the news. every time they report on his crimes, they do it like this. >> despite several previous allegations of abuse of behavior, robert kelly or as the world knows him r. kelly has bounced back repeatedly but one accuser tell us she believes things this time may be different. ♪

♪ ♪ >> trevor: you can't talk about r. kelly's supposed crimes then play ignition! that song is irresistible! you're sitting there watching the news all angry, how could this monster prey on these innocent -- oh, my god! that's my jam! ( humming song ) ( applause ) you can't do that. stop playing his music and just tell us what he did. just say what he did. can you imagine how hard it would have been to stay mad at bill cosby if every time they reported on his crimes they did stuff like this? >> breaking tonight tv icon bill cosby now a convicted felon found guilty of sexual assault ( bill cosby sounds ) >> trevor, what are you doing? >> trevor: downloading cosby episodes. that's funny.

>> that's the shit i'm talking about, man! >> trevor: r. kelly has written and produced so many songs for others, himself, it's almost impossible to avoid his music. >> maybe for you. have you seen bird box yet? using bird box, a movie about a white laid yp cussing at her kids in a row boat, and from what i learned in this movie is that if you don't want something to get to you, you've got to black it out, right? you've got to black it out. but instead of covering my eyes, i'm going to start covering my ears, and i'm going to call it the r. kelly challenge, that way people can focus on what he did and not get seduced by his music! >> trevor: that is genius! roy wood, jr.! that's amazing. that's really amazing. >> what you understand trevor, is the bird box just is about things that look good night not be good for you. >> trevor: roy -- >> it's an al gore for what's

going on in the world. >> trevor: you need to take it off! >> but i'm playing r. kelly! >> trevor: take it off! ( cheers and applause ) i see it all the time.

your friends invite you out, and you're always busy. eventually they invite someone else. like me, jean-claude van damme. do you really want jean-claude van damme hanging out with your friends? taking selfies, bonding over chips and chips. becoming bffs forever. suddenly i find myself here, where you're supporsed to be. and you, you just got van dammed. don't get van dammed. get together already, with tostitos. don't get van dammed. ♪ ♪ and everywhere i go ♪ there's always something to remind me. ♪ ♪ of another place and time. ♪