where you'll find taall your taco bell favoritesld in one amazing $5 box. the $5 chalupa cravings box from taco bell's new cravings value menu. value beyond belief. [bong] ( thunder crashing ) okay, you know how like, when you want people to leave but they just won't leave, it's really frustrating ? we're not going anywhere without chef ! cool people leave before they've overstayed their welcome. you petulant fools ! you just had to push it, didn't you ? you don't realize who you're dealing with here. security ! take these boys to the door ! all right, come on, kids. no ! hey !

ha ha-- look, they're being led out by security ! ha ha ! no, you don't understand, they've got our friend in a deprivation room ! this is their house and they don't want you here. ooh ! aah ! sorry, dude, but this fruity little club isn't taking our friend ! and sex with eskimo children requires some special skill-- chef, come on ! children ! get out of here ! kenny, spin blossom nut squash ! aahh ! come on, chef ! i can't break these locks ! here ! come on, chef ! what the-- impossible ! i made them leave ! get outside ! stop them ! children... run ! stop !! we made it ! don't you remember why you left south park in the first place ?

chef, come on ! you sought adventure ! and why do people seek adventure ? because their lives have become dull and empty ! yeah, he wanted adventure, not a bunch of ridiculous bullcrap-- right, chef ?! chef ? don't forget all your training, chef. stay with us and your life will be grand and eternal !! chef... we love you. i'm sorry, children. no, chef, they've filled your head with lies. can't you see that ? get the hell outta here, children ! yes... looks like our fruity little club is safe after all. aaahh ! no ! ( all ) chef !! aaahh ! agh ! aahh, oogh, aagh... ohh, damnit ! no !!

rawwrr ! a mountain lion ! aaaghghgh !! we can't lose another member, shoot it ! aahh ! i right missed ! aaaghghgh !! chef ! a grizzly bear ! ( growling ) ayayayayayayay !! oh my god... they killed chef. you bastards ! you bastards !! pity... he would have made an excellent child molester. maybe... maybe he's still okay. no, really--- they say the last thing you do before you die is crap your--

oh, never mind. come on, let's go. we're all here today because chef has been such an important part of our lives. a lot of us... don't agree with the choices chef has made in the past few days. some of us... feel hurt and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. but we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much chef made us smile. i'm gonna remember chef as the jolly ol' guy who always broke into song. i'm gonna remember chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by. so you see... we shouldn't be mad at chef for leaving us.

we should be mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains. yeah. he's right. ( applause ) and in the end... i know that somewhere out there, there's the good part of chef... that's still alive in us all. it is working ? is it working ?! yes, we've got a pulse ! get him in the i.c.u. suit-- hurry ! that's done it ! good, raise him up ! chef ? can you hear me ? say something. ( "darth vader" voice ) hello there, children. how would you like some salisbury steak ? yes... go on.

and for dessert... how would you children like to suck on my chocolate salty balls ? oh, you mean like a chocolate candy ? no, i mean my balls. yes... yes ! ha ha ha haaaa ! captioned by soundwriters™ captioning sponsored by comedy central twns from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. (cheers and applause). >> trevor: oh, oh! welcome to the daily show, everybody. thank you so much for tuning in. thank you for being here. i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight, our guest

tonight i'm such a big fan of his. he is the writer and director of if beale street could talk, barry jenkins is here, everybody. (applause). >> trevor: you may remember him, you may remember him from last year's oscars when he yoinked "la la land's" award out of their hands for his film "moonlight," so we will find out whose oscar he will take away this time. it will be fun. but firs let's catch up on today's headlines. the government is shut down. but the mueller investigation is still going. and yesterday we got a surprise look at where it's headed. >> slipup by paul manafort's lawyers has revealed new information about his contact with the russians during the trump campaign. while paul manafort was serving as donald trump's campaign chairman documents revealed that he was in contact with a pan by the name of constand stin kalim nick, an associate u.s. officials believe is rinked to russian intelligence thsm comes in documents filed by pan a forth's lawyer, some lines redacted but it turns out because of a clerical error

error they could easily be read by copying and pasting them into a new document. >> oh, wow. okay, now first of all, don't judge statistic hard to edit a pdf. i don't know how to do it and second of all, that sure sounds to me like donald trump's campaign manager was colluding with russia. and given russia's polling data that they could target american voters would have been vital because you know russia didn't have much luck with their own polling, it was probably them on the phone like hello mr. williamson, this steve from dploria polling industry, who do you want for leaderk strong trump or clinton woman. but the funny part to me was that we found out about this, the only reason we found out is because manafort's lawyers didn't know how to edit a pdf. that sin sain. so manafort was colluding with the kremlin when he should have been colluding with clingos-- kinkos, that is what he should have bfn doing. moving on to other news, diamonds, little stones we strap on our firng, kind of weird when

you think of them like that that is all they r but people love them and now they can feel good too. >> tiffany will begin revealing the origins of its diamonds to show they are so ult kad conflict free. starting today the region or country of origin will be displayed along a selection of diamond rings. customers can ask store employees for newly sourced stones. >> first and fore most what we want to have is to have customers that feel good in buying a tiffany diamond, not only for its beauty and value but also for the transparency of its supply chain. >> trevor: that sound as maizing. i like this gierks basically his new ad campaign is shop here, we didn't kill any africans, i like that sure, and this is good you ins. you know, of course knowing rich people, i woon be surprised if the new fad is going to be getting the most unethically sourced diamond. some rich lady who is like oh my god, ashley, did he buy you a diamond, aw harks t is three carats and six dead congolese. >> oh my god, es a's the one. and you know it's goods they are

doing this for diamonds but they should really be doing it for all products. i think we should try, diamonds get the attention because everyone is so saw blood diamond that exposed the cor are you exemployation of labourers and leonardo dicaprio accent. he's like we got to go back to get those diamonds. get the bloody diamonds. what are you drunk australian, what are you doing? they should make a movie with leonardo dicaprio and forrest whit a ker's karnlg from black panther and do bad accents together. the blik, what the hell is blik. moving on, the blik. the panther. >> the what? moving on, here is a story that was big news in the united

kingdom. are you fans of harry potter? yeah. so what happened is that author j.k. rowling decided to announce for some random reason that hog warts didn't always have bathrooms and in the old days, witches and wizards simply relieved themselves wherever they stood and van earned the evidence. really, j.k.? wherever they stood. i mean it's great that you vanished your dookie, but first have i to watch you squeeze it out for like eight minutes in the middle of poations class. i mean the floor is clean but my mind is scared for life. also why didn't you make it disappear in their tummies, these are wizards, i don't understand. according to j.k. rowling wizards were just shitting anywhere. that doesn't make harry potter more appealing to me but it makes new york city more magical because i'm like i passed a wizard on the way to work this morning. let's move on to the main story. today is day 19 of the

government shutdown. the streets are piling up with trash. food is going uninspected and in the capital they're being forced to use both sides of the toilet paper. the washington monument is even walking the streets just to make ends meet. and at 19 days, there are only two days away from this becoming the longest shuteddown in american history. which i think trump is secretly going for. he's like that's right, for example, mine is the longest some of today at the white house the president met with congressional leaders to try and negotiate an end to the shutdown and trump shut that down too. >> unfortunately the president just got up and walked out. he asked speaker pelosi will you agree to my wall. she said no. an he just got up and said then we have nothing to discuss and he just walked out. >> this was what president trump had to say about it. it is a quote just left the meeting with chuck and nancy, a total waste of time. i asked are you going to approve border security which includes a wall or steel barrier, nancy

said no. i said bye bye. nothing else works. >> trevor: bye bye. say what you want about trump, some of the things he does are pretty bad ass, right, that is always a dream of mine, have i always dreamed of walking into a meeting, are you going to give me what i want? no, well then this meeting's offer. bye bye. just like walk out, i'm out, yeah. oh, sorry, wait, without validates park, without-- because it's like $2-rbgs i've got a ten, i don't want to break it. now if you are guess appointed about this breakdown in talks then you must have been really disappointed last night when president trump went on television for his very first oval office address in prime time. will all day everyone was speculating was he going declare a state of emergency. was he going to reopen the government, was he pregnant? and in mexico was the father? but when 9:00 rolled around, all we got from trump was basically anotherrism graition stump

speech. and like not even one of these fun ones, you know, where he jerks off an imaginary giant or whatever he is doing. instead, we just-- we just got a low energy jeb version of trump. >> my fellow americans, tonight i am speaking to you because there is a growing humanitarian and security crisis at our southern border. all americans are hurt by uncontrolled illegal migration. the federal government remains shut down for one reason, and one reason only, because democrats will not funld border security. this is a humanitarian crisis, a crisis of the heart and a crisis of the sooool. >> trevor: soool. crisis of the soool. you know trump had to practice that word hard because he never said it before, right. he was probably reading the speech like a crisis of the s

ow-el. sa-wl, did you guys just make up this word. i love it. give me more nonsense words like. this i love it. s sowell, saoul. and look, for all the hype the speech wasn't that long t was only ten minutes and eight minutes of it was trump sniffing. >> this barrier is absolutely critical to border security. that defends our borders and reopens the government. democrats in congress have refused to acknowledge the crisis. (laughter) >> like he was slip sog sniffing so much it was like he was trying to get all the drugs off the street himself. ity a get rid of them. bring them to me. but even in that short ten minutes president trump managed to pack in a lot of scaring the shit out of people about illegal immigrants. >> our southern borders is a pipeline for vast quantities of illegal drugs. met, heroin, cocaine, more

americans will die from drugs this year. >> sex crimes, violent, killings. murdered, raped, beaten, beheading, dismembering, blood, blood. >> trevor: good lord. so much violence. thing was on tv at 9 p.m this doesn't belong on network. this is an hbo speech. they should have put up one of those content warnings first so you could get the kids out of the room, you know. and now to be fair, to be fair, some of you can read, i like that. now to be fair, trump isn't making up these crimes, right. let's be honest. the sad truth is soom illegal immigrants have done very bad things. but if you only listen trump, you get the impression that every one is crossing the border just to come and murder americans and we know that that is not true. you could just as easily pick stories to make immigrants look flawless. i can show you a headline about an illegal immigrant who saved someone's life, true story. can i show you another story of

an undocumented business owner who went on to create jobs for americans, true story. or an illegal immigrant who even went on to become the firs lady of the united states. oh, i'm sorry, i misspoke, an immigrant who maybe didn't have the right papers at the time she was working in this country. at the time. but as a nation, america said we can't let those cheek bones get away. we need those cheek bones so america can be best. and she stayed. and democrats knew. democrats knew that trump would spend his whole speech fearmongers which is why they demanded equal time after the speech to give their council arguments and right away in classic democrat style it was well-intentioned but real awkward. >> good evening, i appreciate the opportunity to speak directly to the american people. >> trevor: okay, okay, stop, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, what the hell is this, guys. why are you sharing one podium? god dam it, you really are socialists, what are you doing, also, why do you look so grouchy, what is this. it lacks like the whole set of i

hop just told them there is no senior discounts. and look, i will be honest with you, mi not going to waste your time, you don't even really need to listen to the democratic response because for them it was also the same things that they have been saying the whole time. imgrapts are good, wars are bad, emojis are problem aict. it was all the same stuff. so the truth is we didn't learn anything yesterday except that america needs funding for a second podium and breatheright strips, that is what we do know. that is what we do know. (applause) and right now it looks like the shutdown could go on for a very long time. because both sides feel like they have a mandate from votedders, trump could say that he won the presidency promising a border wall so he has a duty to build that wall. but on the other hand he also promised that mexico would pay for it the democrats could say that they just won the mid-terms in a landslide and they ran against the wall so they have an obligation to stop it but the one thing everyone should be able to agree on is that none of this should shut the government

down. this is politics, this is what you are supposed to be discussing. it is your jofnlt and st also digs ingenuous for president trump to try and blame the shutdown on the democrats, especially after saying this. >> i am proud to shut down the government for border security. i will be the one to shut it down. i'm not going to blame you for it. >> trevor: unless it goes badk then i'm blaming you guys, bye bye. >> and the frustrating thing is that illegal immigration is a new ansed complex issue, that is something i feel like we've completely lost now as peevment all right, it involves asylum speak seekers t involves visa overstayers, daca kids, dreamers, so much more strks not an easy issue but because of trump no one is talking about that any more. the whole debate has devolved into wall or no wall, like caveman congress.

and if there is one thing we know it is that nothing will stop immigrants from trying to come to america. people are trying to make a better, safer life for their families who will do anything to achieve that dream. and i foe donald trump understands this. because of this video we found from 15 years ago. >> never ever give up. don't give up. don't allow it to happen. if there say concrete wall in front of you, go through it. go over it, go around it. but get to the other side of that wall. (cheers and applause). >> trevor: we'll be right back. [ sirens blaring ] what do you want? may i meet the beast? for your sake, i hope he likes you. i'm mary reynolds. he almost got you bro. oh, no, no señor. can't beat the beast! [ grunting ] [ distant screams ] it's time to show the world we exist.

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within welcome back it to the daily show. let's take a moment to get into business and talk about amazon. they they are the reason you were able to do all of your holiday shopping without wearing pants. that shit doesn't fly at best buy, trust me, i've tried. and now amazon is finding new ways to keep you coming back.

>> amazon is sending shoppers free seamples cur rated to their tastes as part of the company he push into advertising. products free of charge that you may like are going to show up on your door step based on your purchase history on the website. >> trevor: okay. i like the idea but how is amazon going to send you a sample of something. i mean i get how that would work with food or shampoo but amazon sells everything. are they going to sell you like half a tv? the handle of a coffee mug? just the tip of a dildo? you are like if you enjoyed this sample, will you love the shaft. but-- (laughter). >> trevor: but free samples aren't the biggest story about amazon today. because just this morning jeff bezos amazon c.e.o. and the winner of capitalism announced that he and his wife mackenzie are getting divorced. now we joke a lot about amazon but it is sad to see any relationship not work out. thankfully it does sound

amicable and we wish both of them the best. because at the end of the day we are all people here. we know how it feels to go through a tough breakout. i don't think there is a joke about that unless you are a financial analyst at cnbc and then there is something funny. you know, because, you watch these people who are trying to talk about human emotions on air for the very first time. jeff bezos tweets a few moments ago that he is getting divorced. >> yeah, that was-- some what surprised, yeah, mackenzie benzous will become one of the richest people in the world. unclear what and where her interests may lie in terms of that. i done care if you are the richest guy in the world or not, getting divorced is never fun, i'm sure. >> yeah. >> it is a courageous thing to tweet this. it is, i don't know what else to say other than the fact that he didn't need to do it the man tweeted it, you didn't need to. a lot of times you kind of don't really, kind of talk about it. kind of, you know. i mean kind of, you know what i

mean? kind of. >> trevor: yeah, right? yeah-- like wow. business louis c.k. over there didn't do well with that information. emotional news is not his strong suit, i'm glad he is on cnbc and not working as a veterinarian. so you are a cat, you are kind of, you know, his thyroid and then his kidney kind of, which were fell iansk i done know but anywhere way, here are these ashes, you know what i mean. for more on the bezos divorced i'm joined by our financial analyst desi lydic, everybody. (cheers and applause) desi, as awkward as cnbc divorce therapists are, you can't dedeny that there is a huge financial aspect to this story. >> oh yeah, no, that is true, trevor. this say huge deal. jeff bezos is the richest man in the world. and under washington state law he las to split everything he has earned during their marriage, 50/50. mackenzie bezos will get $66

billion. yeah. this is the biggest transfer of wealth since warren buffer et left his debit card in the mcdonald's drive thru. >> trevor: $66 billion. i can't imagine having that much money, let alone losing that much money. >> yeah, an you're really rich, trevor. i mean there was a whole week where you just paid us to speak for you. jeff bezos will be fine. (laughter) don't worry about jeff bezos, okay, will be fine. is he still going to have $66 billion. i mean he's not going to be one of those divorce dads eating spa geti o over the sink of his apartment, will be eating them over the mediterranean from the third story of his yacht, which reminds me, this story is brought to you by spaghetti-o's. spaghetti-o's, divorce is hard but so is boiling pasta. >> trevor: actually, desi,

some of us like spaghetti-o's for the flavor and the shape, you know, but whatever. so you think this divorce settle am is fair? >> oh yeah, no, definitely. a marriage say partnership. mackenzie bezos spent 25 years helping her husband grow his business. and grow his swarylg swagger, i mean look he went from pleented pant salesman to jacked up arms dealer, am i right? yeah, it's totally fair. look, but that chapter is now closed. okay. it is over now. and this next phase is crucial. you have a wealthy person navigating a painful time in their lives, unsure about what to do next. and here's where i can not stress this enough, it is so important to get married again right away. find some, some within blond who will take care care of you, you know, like a city gal who also feels at home on your private island. someone who will divorce my husband at the drop of a hat. >> trevor: whroa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, wait, wait, desi, this is weird. >> what. >> trevor: you came on the show to pitch yourself as a spouse for jeff bezos. >> whoa, whroa, what? how dare you, trevor, no, i am pitching myself as a spouse for mckenzie bezos. yeah. this woman, this woman is beautiful. she's an accomplished author, she studied under toni morrison at princeton. >> trevor: and now she's worth $66 billion. >> oh, is she? right, yes, no, yes, now she's worth $66 billion. i mean he had say whole package, mackenzie, call me, i can be on a plane tomorrow, or today if you use prime. >> the future mrs. mackenzie bezos, desi lydic, everybody. we'll be right back 678 z

♪ (vo) here's a question. was it necessary to create a luxury car more teched out than silicon valley? with a cockpit fit for aspaceship. hang on. radar that senses things the human eye can't. busted. and the ability to make a thousand decisions before you even make one. was all this, really necessary?