tv The Daily Show Comedy Central January 24, 2019 11:00pm-11:36pm PST
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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: hi, everybody! welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! thank you so much for tuning in! i thank you for coming out! our guest tonight is the host of "meet the press" on nbc. sleepy eyes chuck todd is here! we'll have a fun conversation. also on the show, roy wood, jr. is going to fix the n.f.l. and you will find out why you should be very afraid of a man named
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lollipop. but first, let's catch up on today's headlines. venezuela -- ♪ venezuela one of south america's most affluent nation has descended into chaos and violence -- like how best buy is a chill place but on black friday somebody gets murdered over a toaster. that's not a joke. it's a true story. i'll miss you uncle billy. but i told you that was my toaster. ( laughter ) anyway, venezuelaians have been taking to the streets to protest food shortages and collapsing economy with 10 million% inflation. responsible? leader nicolas maduro. the people tried to vote him out last year but he rigged the election. now an opposition leader stepped up to say basta! >> opposition leader juan guaido swore himself in as president
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declaring president nicolas maduro was unconstitutionally sworn in for a second term. >> on a stage in downtown caracas in front of a crowd of thousands, 35-year-old juan guaido raised his right hand and administered his own oath of office. >> i swear to fulfill the responsibilities of the president of venezuela. >> trevor: a 35-year-old just swore himself in as the new president of venezuela. the world's first selfie inauguration. very millennial. ( laughter ) not only do a ton of venezuelaians support him, he has these. moving on to another former prosperous country falling into unrest, the united states. now day 34 of the government shutdown, the longest in american history, and the effects continue to pile up. a major border security conference has been canceled,
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flood recovery efforts have been stalled, and the government is so broke the secret service has now been replaced by mall cops. on top of all that, president trump's state of the union address is officially canceled. >> overnight president trump blinking in his state of the union stair downwith nancy pelosi. the president writing i'm not looking for alternative venue because there is no venue that can compete with the history tradition, importance of the house chamber. >> trevor: donald trump and nancy pelosi facing off and trump blinked first which we knew would happen because nancy pelosi does not blink. ( laughter ) personally, i think postponing the state of the union will be good for trump's approval rating because americans are in favor of him not speaking. the shutdown feels abstract especially if you don't rely on
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government fo for assistance. >> pilots, attendants and air traffic controllers are expressing concern saying air safety is deteriorating as the government shutdown drags on. >> they say they can't predict a point at which the entire system will break. >> trevor: oh, hell, no, they can't predict -- now the shutdown is affecting air traffic control? if it was a pilot, i wouldn't play around with this nonsense. ladies and gentlemen, we've reached a cruising altitude of 50 feet, going to play it safe today, folks. ( laughter ) without properly staffed air traffic control pilots are asking how safe it is to fly and spirit airline pilots are asking what's traffic control? spirit airlines, we shut down the day we opened. ( laughter ) moving on from current events to ancient events. >> an ancient stone circle that fascinated archeologists is
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fake. scientists were excited when they first discovered these rocks in a farm in rural scotland last year. they were estimated to be around 4,000 years old. however, the farm's former owner came forward and said he actually built the circle in the 1990s. researchers have left the site. >> trevor: no, i'm sorry, really, the '90s? how can you not tell if something is that young? are you an archeologist or r. kelly? ( audience reacts ) no, no, you're right. he's a good guy. i shouldn't have said that. ( applause ) but this archeology story only makes me feel i'm right about something i believed for a long time. most archeology is bullshit. i said it. you know how many times they say something is a thousand years old and we find out it's from ikea? same thing with dinosaurs, you really think the t rex is real? it makes no sense. when have you seen another animal with a massive body and tiny arms? don't say trump, that joke is
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dead. i'm serious now. t rex, what do they hunt, corn on the cob? ( gnawing sounds ) i think 100 years ago they found bones from a mom dinosaur and baby dinosaur and they were all mixed up and they were, like, i guess these fit here. you can make them fit but you can look and say this is wrong. it's not normal. when i was a kid, i had a bunch of dolls, and if i had a barbee doll i would snap in the g.i. joe arms and put the barbie legs on the nineveh turtle. an archeologist will find it and say ninjas had sexy legs! ( laughter ) let's move on to the main story. the trial of the notorious drug lord el chapo guzman. you may have missed he's currently on trial in a brooklyn courthouse because you have been focusing on the criminal who's
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in the white house. peak resistance! ( cheers and applause ) anyway, the trial of the world's biggest drug lord has reached its halfway point, and what we've learned so far is muy loco. >> prosecutors are expected to rest their case this week in the federal trial of the notorious mexican drug lord of guzman. >> drug, serks murder, betrayal, a real life drama unfolding in brooklyn federal court. the villain, according to prosecutors, is 61-year-old joaquin el chapo guzman. former associates testified that el chapo protected his drug pipeline into the u.s. with violence and bribes, including $100 million to former mexican president enrique peñan peña nio denies the allegation. >> trevor: el chapo might have briebled the ex mexican
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president. the president denied it from his million-dollar yacht. there are so many things that souped like straight out of a movie. the way we're rerng the secrets is because many of el chapo's former henchmen are testifying against him. >> witnesses have testified, most convicted drug traffickers betrying el chapo for more lenient sentences. >> including the beard and lollipop. ramirez admitted to killing 150 people. >> trevor: wow, that was an emotional rollercoaster for you guys. ha ha, his name is lollipop, he killed 150 people. i don't think that's funny at all. lollipop is a very formal name. i like that name. wonder how he got that nickname. going around the room and the bus buzz like, you, you're the beard, man. and you over there, you're snake eyes, and you, you're gonna be
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lollipop. but, no! why i got to be lollipop? because you're so sweet, man. oh, i love you guys. now let's go kill someone. ( laughter ) the weirdest thing we learned about lollipop isn't the fact his name is lollipop or he killed more people than bird flu, it's how he tried to dodge police. >> ramirez killed 150 people and used plastic surgery to hide from police. my jawbone, cheek bone, eyes, mouth. >> trevor: my pussy and my crack. i thought we were singing. no? ( laughter ) ( applause ) okay, this i don't understand. if you're trying to hide from the police, it's probably a bad idea to give yourself the world's most distinctive face. what is is this in the cops are going to be, like, we're looking for a guy who looks like a mannequin of fidel castro.
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( laughter ) who did this surgery? this is the first time someone looked better in a courtroom sketch. but the creepy man sized doll honor goes to el chapo's i.t. guy. >> the star witness chapo witness, he installed spyware on chapo's and his wife and mistresses phones. >> the guy got caught up in increption, worked for the f.b.i. and hacked into his own system for the f.b.i. >> trevor: so el chapo got his i.t. guy to spy on the people who work for him and the f.b.i. got the i.t. guy to spy on ep chalo, which is a good lesson for everyone, be nicely to your i.t. guy. yeah. be nice to him. ( applause )
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is he here now? yeah. he may be condescending, he may give you a hard time when you forget your password and smelled like boiled hot dogs but that dude knows everything. by the way, dennis, i love you, you smell grade, please don't leak my nudes. okay, man. ( laughter ) just for a moment, can we look at this courtroom sketch? why are you drawing a guy's face and then blacking it out? just don't draw the face. like what is the -- or maybe we're just looking at it wrong. maybe this guy was on the witness stand wearing a v.r. head set -- so then i installed a program -- aaahhh! i'm on a rollercoaster now! ( laughter ) this i.t. guy is one of the biggest reasons el chapo might be going down and he only agreed to turn because the f.b.i. paid him. of course, now, because to have the shutdown, the f.b.i. says they don't have money to pay more informants like him anymore. and here's another thing, the u.s. marshals guarding el chapo
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aren't getting paid because of the shutdown. i'm not saying they're going to be bribed, but if there's anyone you want to be extra careful with it's el chapo. this guy has escaped from prison twice already, which is why when they move him around they have to hold the back of his neck like a baby cat. they also make him poop in a litter box, but i think that's just for fun. the reason el chapo became the most powerful drug lord in history is he figured out how to smuggle more drugs across the border than anyone else and during this trial we find out how he's done it. >> the u.s. gores guard led a treatment on a drug bust in 2008 off guatemala larks intercepted a huge cache, $100 million of cocaine. but that's no ordinary drug boat. it's actually more like a submarine. and just one of joaquin el chapo guzman's smuggling tricks, according to prosecutors. if the sub didn't work, there were tunnels, trucks or planes. just part of the evidence presented so far in the
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narcotrafficker trial of the century. >> trevor: this is insane, el chapo was using planes, tunnels and even submarines so smuggle drugs into the u.s. so i guess it's a good thing that trump is building that wall. yeah. ( applause ) you know, the sad thing is, even the trump sees this trial, it won't change his mind. he'll probably doublable down. he'll be, like, forget the wall, folks, we're building a dome! and who's doing to pay for it? lollipop! we'll be right back ( cheers and applause )
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the super bowl is coming up next sunday, and for tom brady, this is his ninth one, which is amazing. you realize one more super bowl and he gets a free sandwich. but despite all the excitement for the big game, many football fans are talking about the the team not playing in atlanta and for that we turn to our very own roy wood, jr., everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> silence! silence! no! let's get right to it, trevor. the wrong team is playing in the super bowl. last sunday's game -- last sunday's game had the worst call i've ever seen since i decided to go commando under a graduation robe. ( laughter ) there was no way to know that the lights thoopt stage would be so intense. it showed the outline and everything. sorry about that. anyway, saints fans are pissed and have every right to be. >> you don't have to be a saints fan to be upset, a football fan or a sports fan but just a fan of basic fairness.
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>> it's being referred to as one of the worst missed calls in playoff history. the new orleans saints missed a place in the super bowl after referees didn't throw the flag on this play. many call it a glaring case of pass interference. >> the player made an illegal tackle right in front of the ref and that ref didn't take out the penalty flag. he didn't take it out of his pocket, trevor. i'm pretty sure this ref is the first dude to not get into trouble for -- to not get in trouble for not pulling something out of his pants. i'm going to say it plain and simple, this is the worst thing to happen to the people to have new orleans, nothing else comes close. nothing! >> trevor: roy, i think you're forgetting about hurricane katrina. >> oh, yeah. that's my bad. this is tied with hurricane katrina as the worst thing to happen in new orleans! ( applause )
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but unlike a hurricane, saints fans can take this disaster to court. >> the saints lose the game. the fans lose their minds, buying billboards in atlanta where the super bowl will be played without them. robbed, they say, a petition with over half a million signatures calls for a rematch, so does a lawsuit filed today on behalf of season ticket holders aledging emotional trauma and nothing less than the loss of enjoyment of life. ( laughter ) >> loss of enjoyment of life. you know how upsetting something has to be to make people from new orleans stop enjoying life? they got bourbon street, they got mart mardi gras, even the funerals look like a half time show. you heard grand-daddy died? let's have a parade! ( trumpet sounds ) >> trevor: refs mess up all
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the time. it's part of sports. it's not a big deal. >> it's not a big deal? it's not a big deal? it's such a big deal, this happened. >> meanwhile, one sphorts book in new jersey is refunding all wagers on the saints tweeting, just think of it as good carla. >> bookies! bookies. the people who break your knees when you don't pay are giving refunds. refunds. they're probably going around door to door. hey, sorry about the saints, man, that's a tough break. here's your thumbs back, my apologies. ( laughter ) >> trevor: what do you want the n.f.l. to do about it. they can't just replay the game. >> you don't have to. this is an easy fix. the problem is the n.f.l. doesn't allow refs to review this type of play, which is stupid, because any other questionable call they huddle around the tv like they're watching a peep show, so the n.f.l. should just allow instant replay for pass interference, too. that's all you've got to.
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do it's simple. ( applause ) >> trevor: you know what? that's a great idea, roy. i agree with you. >> in fact, we should just use instant replay for everything in life. already got cameras everywhere. traffic cat rase. body cameras. did you know iphones are built with a camera already inside of them? >> trevor: i think everyone knows that, roy. >> well, they must have just started doing that. look, the point is anytime there's a disagreement about anything, anything in life, we should be able to throw outo a flag and check out the instant replay. two people fighting over a parking spot, go to the replay. the pickup got there after the prius, therefore the vegan gets the parking space. ( laughter ) just throw the flag! oh, you want to split the check 50/50 at dinner? go to the replay, debra. the tape shows you had more drinks and ate my cheese sticks when i was in the bathroom, i'm
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only paying ten dollars. ( laughter ) but deb remarks if you're watching this, i hope we get a chance to go out again. >> trevor: you convinced me that's a really great idea. >> i know. i have great ideas, trevor. that's why you said you would give me a 20% raise. >> trevor: i never said that. >> oh, is that what you any, trevor? ( whistle ) >> roy wood, jr. has challenged the ruling at the desk. let's go to the replay to see what trevor said to roy about giving him a 20% raise. >> trevor: you know what? that's a great idea, roy. i agree with you. >> trevor: whoa, whoa, no, wait! you took me out of context! no! >> the challenge is upheld, roy gets a 20% raise and so does the referee. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: get out of here! roy wood, jr., michael kosta, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) by the way -- by the way, don't
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forget, roy wood, jr. has a brand-new standup special. it's called no one loves you. he's one of the funniest standup comedians you've ever seen. friday night, comedy central. make sure you watch it. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) [ gasp ] no way. it's monday the 18th again. ah! i was stuck reliving the same day. i thought i ended the loop, but he's back. this time the killer is coming after all of us. [ gasp ] [ scream ] if i die again... i could stay dead. who are you?
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for just $40 per line. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is the nbc news political director and moderator of "meet the press" as well as the host of "mtp daily" on msnbc. please welcome chuck todd. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> we've got to do the slimming button. >> trevor: you do the button? >> sure. >> trevor: sometimes it's open, closed, it's whatever to me. >> my real fear is people seeing my bare legs. >> trevor: show the people your bare legs. >> not at all.
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>> trevor: come on, chuck -- that's it, now your fear is gone. >> yeah, the fear is gone. >> trevor: the fear is gone, you face your fears. >> there you go. >> trevor: welcome to the show. thank you for joining us. from your point of view, as someone who has to watch and report on this every single day, where do you see the shutdown ending? >> i actually believe it might actually end this weekend. i think there's an actual chance the president is findly realizing he's not going to get his way. i think he's finally seen -- i mean the whole point of the senate votes, show him -- it was a bit of show and tell -- some presidents need show and tell on that front -- ( laughter ) -- i don't know what you're talking about -- and they showed him that the democratic bill got more republican votes than your bill. >> trevor: wow. >> so it's clear to me, he's looking for an exit ramp. everybody wants out of this in washington, and i actually think that that may be by the weekend. >> trevor: it feels like the media and the news has found a way to adapt to reporting on
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president trump. you know, i remember when he first started, people gave him the benefit of the doubt. people would say a lot of, well, what i think he meant to say is... and i think the meaning is -- and with the shutdown in particular, i find that news has been very quick to say, the shutdown, president trump blaming the democrats even show he said he created the shutdown, he won't own the shutdown. sit something you've had to learn to say he directly contradicts himself? >> there was a sense that the press for a long time, between water gate and now, that the press, it wasn't necessarily that you covered up for the powerful, but you explained the powerful. so one of my favorite anecdotes is apparently in the '70s and '80s, wheneve you would hear somebody report about a member of congress being drunk, they wouldn't say that. they would say so and so was tired tonight on the senate floor. and that was -- my point is there were a lot of examples
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like that where there was, as you just put it, well, what the president meant to say -- he uses that rhetoric this way. and i think there was a lot of that. it became a habit, obviously a bad habit. i can tell you this, everybody is handling in trump era in different ways. i have a simple motto which is say what you see. don't try to explain it and do backflips, say what you see. why is the president tweeting about this? explain why he's doing it. dped and show maybe what he's saying, but give it context and explain it. say what you see. i think, too often, we covered -- covered up is the wrong word. we sort of almost rounded the edges of what we saw. >> trevor: right. >> we gave a better picture because it's almost like, oooh, that's an ugly picture. the country doesn't want to see that. we should make it better. rip the band-aid off. let's see it. ( cheers and applause ) and by the way, too long, you and your colleagues were the ones ripping the band-aid off
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and that was the actual problem, we needed to rip our own band-aid off. and you, i would say, in many ways, the satirists, i think, in that way, led the way for us. there's nothing wrong with rippinripping the band-aid off. you did it with a sense of humor. maybe we could use a sense of humor, too. >> trevor: you have done a lot in the way you change news and what you allow on news. one thing i found impressive and revolutioniary is you were host ag show on climate change and said we're not having climate change denials as part of the discussion. you got a lot of flack from the right, a lot of conservatives saying why are you censoring these voices -- >> we had a robust debate about taxes. >> trevor: right. >> the debate is what do you do about this. >> trevor: but not for climate change, why not? >> i also didn't invite anybody who didn't believe in the moon landing or was a flat earther. is that all right? ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: but when somebody says to you, chuck todd, the
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press should be giving everyone an equal voice? >> that is -- no. i think we are -- ( laughter ) our job is to be fair. >> trevor: right. >> our job is to be fair to the facts that are there. how do we met gait climate change? if we're going to build sea walls, where and who pays for that. >> trevor: who pays for it, that's the debate. but the debate is not is manmade climate change a real thing. >> here's what i don't get. it's simply an insurance policy. let's say you don't brief in it. what's wrong with, you know, maybe, you know, what's wrong with a little insurance policy? >> trevor: right. >> it's like i had a relative on their death bed that didn't believe in religion but on their death bed they did, it's an insurance policy. what's wrong -- you know, climate, mitigation, if you're not sure, it's changing in front of us. if it's mother nature doing it, you've still got to adapt. >> trevor: thanks for being on the show. great having you here.
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"mpt daily" airs wednesday at 5:00 p.m. on msnbc, and "meet the press" airs sundays on nbc. chuck todd, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ man: no, no, no, no! you've got a virus. i have a virus? did you try restarting it? (frustrated sigh) ( ♪ ) (frustrated sigh) people have been left to wonder what ingredients are in their beer.
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>> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. before we go, i'm excited that this weekend i will be continuing my arena tour loud and clear. ( cheers and applause ) so if you're in ottawa, ontario and bethlehem, pennsylvania, i'll see you there. if not, see you monday. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> tonight, four key witnesses in the russia probe are here in one place and each person at this table is linked to president trump and directly involved in bob mueller's russia probe. >> yep, that was my
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