them first. kids: oh. - well, i hate to say it, but you all got what you deserve. all: huh? - look, schools are teaching condom use to younger and younger students each day. but sex isn't something that should be taught in textbooks and diagrams. sex is emotional and spiritual. it needs to be taught by family. i know it can be hard, parents, but if you leave it up to the schools to teach sex to kids, you don't know who they're learning it from. it could be someone who doesn't know, someone who has a bad opinion of it, or even a complete pervert. - what? why did you pan to me just now? what the hell's that supposed to mean? - he's right, i never knew how special and personal sex was until just recently. - this whole mess started because we couldn't talk to our boy ourselves. - it's easier to just leave it up to the school, but it's just not a school subject. - then it's decided; no more condom classes in grade school. kids: hooray! - but, chef, when is the right age for us to start having sex? - it's very simple, children. the right time to start having sex is... 17. - 17? - 17.

- so you mean 17, as long as you're in love? - nope, just 17. - but what if you're not ready at 17? - 17, you're ready. - well, i guess we got a while to wait before we worry about sex and diseases, huh, wendy? - yeah, thank god. - well, i guess now that that's out of the way, we can get on with our lives. come here, boy. that's it, red rocket, red rocket, come on, yeah. come on, red rocket, dog. red rocket now. - okay, children, so what other sexual positions did we talk about? yeah, the wrap-around butt grab. sure, can't forget that. uh-huh, reverse cowgirl. good, kevin. hot lunch? yeah, she likes that. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪

>> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! i'm trevor noah! thank you for coming out and tuning in! our guest tonight a very funny comedian to talk about his netflix special, mo amer is here, everybody! it's going to be really, really bun. ( cheers and applause ) also on the show, the shutdown has been shutdown and another one of president trump's very fine people turns out to be a very bad hombre. but first, let's catch up on today's headlines. there are now only 644 days until the 2020 presidential election. i don't know about you guys, but i've already set my dvr. i even added an extra five

minutes in case it goes long. ( laughter ) this race was going to simple, the best democrat running against donald trump. but now someone has thrown a grande rinech in the works. >> the 2020 race getting bigger by the day. possible new contender form starbucks c.e.o. howard schultz, saying he would consider a run taking on both the president and democrats. >> democrats are worried schultz could siphon votes from their nominee and help the president win reelection. >> i am seriously thinking about running for president. i will run as a centrist independent outside of the two-party system. >> trevor: i don't know if this is his plan, but after hearing him speak, i need a coffee. this is my plan -- to run -- for president -- ( laughter ) also, his announcement, right, he's a centrist independent. someone would order, can i get a centrist independent outside of the two-party system?

no foam, no foam. so mr. pumpkin spice latte taking on an actual pumpkin spice latte. which is pretty cool. will be interesting. ( cheers and applause ) though i will say, if i was a democrat, i wouldn't be worried about the starbucks c.e.o. running against me because he's probably going to spell his name wrong on the ballot. so it's not going to work out. speaking of billionaires with nothing better to do than ruin everyone's life mark zuckerberg. the facebook c.e.o. said he was planning to combine facebook and the grams with whatsapp. people who use whatsapp don't have to feel out anymore. the last one anything wants is to mix the three worlds. instagram is when you slide into

the d.m.s. facebook is ignoring news from your family. what's app is when you join i.s.i.s.. they need to be totally separate. otherwise, they get mixed up. i don't want to send a dickpic to my aunt and definitely document want to send one to i.s.i.s. again. ( laughter ) a major event just announced in afghanistan. >> the united states and taliban have agreed in principal to a peace framework. >> the united states is considering full withdrawal of troops in afghanistan in return for a cease fire and commitment by the taliban to keep afghanistan territory from being used as a staging ground for terrorist groups like al quaida. >> this would be the biggest step toward ending the nearly two-decade long war in afghanistan to date. >> trevor: i had forgotten there was a war in afghanistan. i think we all stopped watching after season 9. like the grey's anat any conflict, i get it. but i'm glad there could be an

end in sight. funny now america lowered its expectation. first, affection will be a fully-fledged democracy. then, well, maybe not a democracy, but no more terrorism! then it's just, like, okay, i'm going to close the door and you guys keep it down in there, okay? ( laughter ) moving on to our main story. after 35 days of the longest shutdown in american history. america's government is officially open for business. >> the shutdown is over. >> 800,00800,000 furloughed fedl workers will go back to work today and should get backpay within days. >> that fix only opens the government three weeks and doesn't provide any money for a border wall as president trump demanded. >> i am very proud to announced today that we have reached a deal to end the shutdown and reopen the federal government. >> trevor: okay, first of all, there's nothing to be proud of. second of all, there's not really a deal.

have you ever noticed how trump's accomplishments are just fixing things he broke? folks, good news, i've freed the immigrant kids from their cages. who put them in cages? also me. ( laughter ) i'm glad to announce north korea isn't going to blow us up anymore. wait, why were they going to blow us up? because i called him a fat little "rocket man"! ( laughter ) and who could forget when he dropped the white house bust of abraham lincoln and he was also the one who taped it back together and you can't etch tell the difference. i'm proud to announce the refurbishment of this lincoln statue. sadly, it was not filled with candy as i hoped, folks. ( laughter ) so the government shutdown is officially over, which is great because federal workers are getting paid again. the f.d.a. can inspect food and national parks can clean up their trash and put it where it belongs, the owns. ( laughter ) even though the shutdown ended,

there's lasting damage. >> the nonpartisan budget office today said the shutdown cost the economy $11 billion, three dollars billion of which won't be recovered. >> the shutdown was hart on contractors not guaranteedback pay. >> the i.r.s. will struggle to get refunds back to americans on time. >> it will take about a year to get back to normal after 5 million pieces of mail sun opened. >> trevor: the i.r.s. could be, like, oh, we didn't get your refund because we didn't get our mail. and we're, like, i love blade but not 24 hours a day. thanks for the shutdown. the i.r.s. is behind, like, a year, which is bad news for everyone, except trump, he's probably going to be that's too bad, i was just about to have

them release my tax returns! ( laughter ) so though it was only 35 day. the government shutdown effects will continue to hurt america for a while. maybe it would have been worth it for trump if if he had gotten some of that sweet wall money but he folded with nothing to show for it, and even some of his strongest supporters are admitting that trump got owned by nancy pelosi bigly. >> some right-bing media analysts have been merciless in the criticism of president trump. broken man, biggest wimp. trump just allowed nancy to walk all over him. >> clear trump did not come out on top, i'm not going to finspin it for you. >> she has just whipped the president of the united states. >> no ooo -- >> stop, stop, that's a victory for nancy pelosi. it will be perceived as such on every television monitor and screen in the country, and to deny it is to try to escape from reality. >> trevor: damn, you know it's bad even when trump's personal

cheerleaders are dunking on him. you understand these are the people he watches every night to make him feel good about himself, and now they're trashing him. imagine if you had a book of inspirational quotes you used every day and you opened one and it said nigga, kill yourself! ( laughter ) that's the pain he's feeling now. you heard what lou dobbs said, if you can't acknowledge nancy pelosi whipped trump's ass, then you are not in touch with reality. he could have just posted a sign in the fox news breakroom. >> anywhere out there thinking president trump caved today, you don't know the donald trump i know. he right now holds all the cards, he will secure the border one way or the other. >> i don't see it as a cave. i see this as a process. this is a half-time stop in the action. >> did he cave? did he not? the answer is he absolutely did not cave. >> he did not cave! he made a tactical decision, a

strategy decision to pick the ground to fight on! >> trevor: to pick the ground to fight on! to pick the ground! ( laughter ) you know, i'm sorry, this is unbelievable. no matter what trump does, he's always a mastermind who's accomplishing precisely what he wanted to do. like, if trump was boxing and he got knocked out cold, like, janine piro would be, brilliant! another conscious pause by president trump! you can't get knocked down if you stay on the ground! ( laughter ) but, look, if you ignore the stands over at fox news, it's pretty clear this shutdown was a political disaster for president trump. it hurt the economy, it destroyed his approval ratings, and, worst of all, he's not getting his wall. and remember, congress only has three weeks to reach an agreement on border security before the government runs out

of money again. but the good news is there probably won't be another shutdown, because after seeing how bad this shutdown went only a true moron would think about shutting down the government again and no one is that stupid, right? >> we begin today with the president's acting chief of staff mick mulvaney. is the president really prepared to shut down the government again in three weeks? >> yeah, i think he actually is. >> trevor: my man. ( laughter ) we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ok one more. - allright benji. - come on. - benji. - yes. - smile. what about the flash? ok one more. - benjamin, hold it sideways. - make it flash benji. you have to back it up if you want to get everybody in. you can't get everybody in unless you back up. there you go. (everyone speaking at the same time)

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." so, as we discussed earlier, the u.s. government reopened on friday afternoon, but the f.b.i. was already on the job at the crack of dawn. >> breaking news tonight, long-time trump ally and advisor

roger stone invited by special counsel. robert mueller's grand jury, and arrested in an early morning raid on his florida home. >> f.b.i. in bullet-proof vests, descending on his home, guns drawnchts stone was indicted on five counts of false statement, one count of observation and -- obstruction and one count of witness tampering. >> trevor: this is what mike pence would look like after one drink. ( laughter ) usually, when someone in president trump's circle comes under investigation, trump downplays his connection to them. it's what he does. it's how like trump said paul manafort was barely on the campaign or george papadopoulos was puffy boy or jared kushner was (~bleep ) blocker. trump might have a hard time dismissing roger stone. not just because stone dresses

like he crashes british weddings, but because of whether the trump campaign coordinated with wikileaks to release hillary's hacked e-mails. in his indictment, roger stone said he was directed to contact wikileaks by someone in the trump campaign. was that someone trump himself? we don't know, but if it wasn't trump, you would expect his people to just come out and say. so instead, they're avoiding the question like it's a friends poetry reading. >> the charges brought against mr. stone have nothing to do with the president. it's clear on that. >> you keep telling me you're clear on that but you won't answer whether it was the president who directed a senior campaign official to contact roger stone. >> i answered the question, you don't like my answer. the two things things aren't the same. >> was it the president who made that direction or not? >> once again, i haven't read that document, i'm not an attorney, i won't get into the weeds on those specific --

>> trevor: that's right, i'm not an attorney, i can't tell you what the truth is, i'm not qualified. ( laughter ) is it just me or does sarah huckabee sanders say all trump people had nothing to do with trump when the shit hits the fan? this will end with her coming out, like, donald trump had nothing to do with the trump presidency, totally out of the loop, practically made zero decisions at all -- which actually, i believe. i would be, like, i believe that from you. ( laughter ) we don't know how this will all end. ( laughter ) roger stone may turn out to be the key to the mueller investigation, and he hay end up going to jail, probably without even collecting $200. we'll see. ( laughter ) but -- but i will say this -- it was really interesting to see how his supporters and trump supporters on the right reacted to the way he was arrested. >> this morning before sunrise, heavily armed f.b.i. agents dressed in full tactical gear surrounding the home of a

66-year-old man, drawing their weapons, pounding on the door, and they took him into custody. >> it was well beyond necessary to go breaking into a man's home who's 66 yearsled. >> i'm 66 years old. i don't own a fire. a these are gestapo tactics. to storm my house with greater force than was used to take down bin laden or el chapo or pablo escobar, it's unconscionable. >> trevor: okay, calm down fourth blind mouse, calm down. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it wasn't more force than bin laden. bin laden's at the bottom of the ocean right now, and he's probably, like, oh, yeah, i've got fish swimming through my head but you've got it real rough, roger, real rough. here's the thing, you have trump and his people lambasting the police for what they did, and it's interesting to me how, for

how long, how many years have black people been saying police in america are extreme the way thaw arrest people, the way they interact with citizens when they take them away. every time black people say it, what do they say on the right? oh, well, that's the law. blue lives matter. you've got to respect the police. they're doing their jobs! and then when one of them gets arrested, they will be, like, did you see how he held me?! he put my hands behind my back! you can't do anything when your hands are behind your back! i'm a 66-year-old man! and it's, like, but, yeah, look what police do to young, black kids. and they will be like, yeah, the kids, how were the police supposed to know? how were they supposed to know with roger stone? he was, like, the police were out of hand, they were like the gestapo. really? when cops arrest you, they're

nazis? but when they go after black people, well, that's the law, you shouldn't have gotten on the wrong side of the law! ( laughter ) i will be honest, i agree with roger stone. i think the amount of force the police used to arrest him did seem excessive, coming in with bullet-proof vests, you don't need that for the guy. but i honestly don't blame the cops, they were just following orders from the top. >> when you see these thugs being thrown into the back of a paddy wagon, you see them thrown in rough, i say please don't be too nice. like when you guys put somebody in the car and you're protecting their head, the way you put your hand over? i say you can take the hand away, okay? ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: whoo! yeah, poor trump, he felt rough policing would only apply to m.s.13. who knew they would be usi

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called "the vagabond." >> my first name is mohamed. ( laughter ) oh, quit playing, baby! really, what's your first name? i'm, like, that is my first name. she's, like, ah, you ain't gonna get your citizenship, baby, hmm hm-um, mm-mm-mm! please hold. i'm, like, what the (~bleep ) just happened to me? this lady puts on hold and the music is. ♪ never gonna get it ♪ never gonna get it ( laughter ) ( applause ) and she picks up the phone and goes, woo, woo, woo! and hangs up the phone. i'm, like, ah! >> trevor: please welcome mo amer! ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the show. >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: you know, a lot of the time, they say that the best comedy comes from the biggest

tragedies, and, in many ways, your life could be considered by some as being a rolling series of tragedies that you've turned into comedy and success. a little bit of your story would shock most people out there. you are someone who came to america as a refugee. >> correct. >> trevor: from kuwait, correct? >> i was born in kuwait. i left kuwait after the first gulf war. >> trevor: right. >> i like to call the prequel. i went to a nice british school in kuwait and migrated to houston, texas. >> trevor: culture shock. >> cull sure shock, and they put me in e.s.l. class, with i is english as a second language class, and i was the only guy who spoke english in the class. i walk in and all the kids are, like -- ( speaking spanish ) i had a hint of british accent and i said, sorry, what language are you speaking? this dude rolls up out of

nowhere and said, you're weird, dude! why do you talk like that, eh? and that was my teacher. ( laughter ) >> trevor: a lot of times when we have the conversations in america about immigrant, refugee, it's always a sad story, like you know, these people need this place as a refuge. you always talk about how your mom was the driving force about getting your family to the u.s. and starting up a new life. how would you like to try to explain to somebody how it is to be a refugee and how hard it is to come into the united states? >> it's really difficult to explain or put into words the excruciating process of getting your citizenship. >> trevor: right. >> it took me 20 years to get my citizenship. i traveled all over the world doing standup comedy without a passport. >> trevor: hue do you travel without a passport?

>> they give you a united states travel document that's only good for a year, and most countries need more validity on your passport to even enter the country. >> trevor: right. >> it's complicated. most countries i wouldn't be allowed to go but i would go and see what happened. i would get questioned in a lot of different countries. >> trevor: so let me understand this, you are a palestinian-kuwaiti-muslim traveling the world with no passport and you were, like, yeah, i want to try to do this in more countries. ( laughter ) how many times did you get stopped? >> every time. no, it was every time. to the point when i became a citizen and reentering america and he was, like, okay, go ahead. i was, like, are you sure? i think there's another -- something else needs to happen here. i feel awkward. could we just talk for a little while? ( laughter ) i'm serious! i did! i was, like, what's going on? i was, like, no, we need to chat a little bit.

like japan was my favorite interrogation i had. it was an hour of them trying to figure out what i did for a living. the hour shower consisted of, so, what is your occupation. i said, i'm a comadian. comedian? yeah, i do comedy. >> standup comedy?! yeah, do comedy. i'm a comedian. >> comedian i'm, like, am i being roasted? and his buddy walks in and says, comedian. and he's, like, yeah, he's like bill cosby! that's what got me off buzz bill cosby -- i mean, not literally. ( laughter ) >> trevor: so, you, you have this really interesting journey. growing up in america takes 20 years to become a resident -- >> citizen. >> trevor: yeah, a citizen, right. and here's the thing that i've always wondered, from your

perspective -- you know, do you ever find yourself in a space where because you speak about things happening in the u.s., people are, like, hey, you should be grateful to be in the u.s., don't talk about anything that might be going wrong in the u.s. because the u.s. has welcomed you in? >> yeah, no. look, as an arab-american-muslim-palestinian on top of it, someone who fled wax i was nine years old. so i wasn't, like, hey, mom, you sure about houston? you just had to go. i'm a very proud houstonian and grew up in a really multicultural neighborhood. but growing up all that way, i was always told not to talk about politics, not to say anything because they're going to send us back. shhhh! don't say anything, they'll send you back. all this stuff festering inside for many years, that's why when i started stand-up comedy, it was a perfect outlet to express what was happening to me and,

also, you know, releasing the special and seeing the reaction from so many different people that can relate to the same story that are refugees, that went through a similar process, that are, you know, dealing with the immigration system right now. they talk about extreme vetting. my god, it took us 20 years. how much more extreme could it be? >> trevor: well, you want it to take forever. >> yeah, that's the point. so it's very, very frustrating. but, at this point in time, i'm an american citizen, so in your face, bitch! i say whatever i want! ( cheers and applause ) you become really confident once you get that passport. ( laughter ) once i got a passport i'm, like, what you gonna do now? >> trevor: they can take it away from you. >> can they? oh, shit! ( laughter ) >> trevor: that was one of the things we were talking about with trump, they say, oh, you never know what he was going to do. trump was floating ideas about our citizenship is real, et cetera, et cetera, and a lot

of people who are refugees or came to the u.s. as immigrants had a connection with trump where they were worried. you had a different connection with trump which is one of the reasons you came into prominence, a really insane story where you found yourself on a plane seated next to eric trump. >> that's -- yeah. you know, being a frequent flyer helps sometimes. i didn't know this was going to happen. i was upgrading to first class, and i ended up sitting next to eric trump. i didn't even know i was going to get upgraded because i put my name on the list way too late. comedians are the best procrastinators. i didn't know i was going to get upgraded much less sitting next to eric but i thought the one who upgraded me was probably a clinton supporter. okay, eric trump son my flight, okay, mm-hmm. oh, there's an empty seat next to eric. let me take a look at the upgrade to see who's standing by

patiently, oh, muhamada mer! all right! ( applause ) >> trevor: you are an amazing opening for dave chappelle. truly special. thanks for coming on the show. hope to see you again. "the vagabond" is available on netflix. mo amer. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) want to try out my time machine? it runs on doritos. [dog barks] sure. so now what? gotta put the whole bag in. okay. yes! it's really working, jimmy! [humming, thumping] [humming] [thumping] this is the greatest moment of my life! get out of my yard! [birds chirping] jimmy? you're so old. [crunch!] it's the future!

go inside... cozy up to the fire... (♪ ♪) stay warm. some call that a nice winter day. we'll have to agree to disagree. (♪ ♪) my doctor says i havey, what's skittles pox. are they contagious? i don't think so. contract the rainbow! taste the rainbow! what are you doing? well the king believes people should know what ingredients are in their beer. he ordered us to tell everybody. did he order you to shoot arrows blindly into the kingdom?

well he didn't say not to. wouldn't it be better to just put the ingredients label on the packaging? yeah... just a thought. introducing our new ingredients label. coming in february. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. before we go -- before we go, time is running out to enter for your chance to come and hang out with me right here at the "the daily show." you will win v.i.p. tickets to the show for you and a friend, and i will interview you right here on set after the taping. so enter to win at this web site to support a great cause. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> oh, my god i'm busted! drinking russian go vodka! mueller, arrest me! leotards.