- which way should we go? - second star to the right and straight on till morning. >> it's "the daily show" with trevor noah. the state of the union 2019. uncanceled! ( cheers and applause )

>> trevor: oh, yeah! oh, yeah! welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah and welcome to our live state of the union show. that's right, we're 100% live. do you know how live it is? ics tell you the time. it's 11:02. i could not fake that. anyway, a few minutes ago, president trump finished the second state of the union address. and, yes, his tie was crooked when he walked in. trump walked past 600 people and not a single one had the balls to tell him. at some point mike pence should have said, this is the way ties should be from now on. i guess we should grateful his fly wasn't open. now remember, the speech was supposed to happen a week ago but postponed because of the shutdown. which is good because it gave trump extra time to practice

mispronouncing big words. but the show had to go on, because for the political world, this was the biggest day of the year. almost everyone who was important was there. for exapmle, the supreme court justices were in attendance. brett kavanaugh celebrated his first state of the union and looks like he came prepared. he made it through the whole speech and only puked twice. yeah, he really has grown. oh, and as for all the other supreme court justices, they just wore their normal robes and congressman steve king was wearing his normal robe. many people were asking where was ruth bader ginsburg, but democrats forced her to stay home in a safety orb from "jurassic park." just stay safe. now, it's tradition for the state of the union for special guests to be inside. >> some democrats invited guests to send a message to the

president from undocumented immigrants who have worked on trump properties, to workers furloughed during the last government shutdown and transgender servicemembers. >> the president invited joshua trump. a sixth grader and because he's often bullied for having the same last name, he was invited. >> trevor: this is the state of the union but it's an excuse for people to troll each other. democrats invited undocumented immigrants who worked for trump. on the other side, to try to show how intolerant the radical left is, trump invites an 11-year-old boy who gets bullied because his name is also trump. i'm surprised the democrats didn't invite the kid's bully. you know? chuck schumer is saying, my guest is one of the 10-year-olds they call knuckles, toughest kid around.

ripped the underwear straight off my body. this is a savvy move by trump, combines melania's campaign to stop bullying, and donald's campaign to replace eric. ( laughter ) another custom on state of the union is one cabinet member does not attend the speech, and is instead taken to a secure location in case something catastrophic happens during the speech and someone is needed to run the government. and no one knows who that is. tonight that cabinet member is rick perry. yes, that's right. if everyone was gone, rick perry would have been the president of the united states. yeah, which is fine. i mean, he fulfills our new requirement for president, he's been on a reality show. it works. here at "the daily show," we wouldn't take any chances either. we had our own designated survivor ronny chieng in case the state of the union was catastrophically unfunny. he was in a secure location watching something else on tv so no matter what we would have something to joke about on our

live show. so give it up, everybody, for ronny chieng! ( cheers and applause ) thanks so much for being out there. how did it go? >> it was incredible, trevor. i sat in this damn bunker and watched the only other thing on at 9:00 p.m. a rerun of "property brothers." want the backup jokes i came up with? >> trevor: we don't need-- >> here it goes. you ever notice how one of the brothers looks business and the other casual, but they both always look like douche bags? ( laughter ) the most stunning reveal of this show is neither of the creepy assed dudes ate the twin in the womb. right? honestly, the rest of the jokes is about how all twins are kind of weird. oh, another me! a mirror who can trick my wife into ( bleep ) him. >> trevor: i'm glad we didn't need to put those jokes on the show. ronny chieng! ( applause )

like most of trump's speeches, this one had its funny moments. let's gets into the speed limit. honestly, but trump standards, this was pretty chill, probably because melania let him run around outside to tire himself out, you know. and speaking of melania, she really popular. >> madam speaker, mr. vice president, members of congress, the first lady of the united states. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: look at that, an immigrant got the first standing ovation of the night. i'm so proud. ( cheers and applause ) so proud! my baby! she the best! everyone is like, you stay with her. well done. oooh, we couldn't do it. with all protocol observed, the president went on to tell us how

great he has made the united states. >> in just over two years since the election, we have launched an unprecedented economic boom, 5.3 million new jobs, 600,000 new manufacturing jobs. wages are rising at the fastest pace in decades. we are a net exporter of energy. we are considered far and away the hottest economy anywhere in the world. >> trevor: that's right, folks. the economy is so hot, so hot, it could totally be my daughter, so damn hot! ( applause ) so, so hot! ( cheers and applause ) but trump had a point with all of this. basically, what he was saying was, what with the economy being so hot, it would be a shame if something were to happen to it. >> an economic miracle is taking place in the united states, and the only thing that can stop it

are foolish wars, politics, or ridiculous partisan investigations. if there is going to be peace and legislation, there cannot be war and investigation. >> trevor: okay. that didn't make sense, but it rhymed? ( laughter ) i wonder if trump wrote a bunch of rhymes to stop the investigation. he was sitting in front of the mirror-- "life is fuller without robert mueller." any collusion is an illusion. if you lock up the orange -- nothing rhymes with orange. ( laughter ) bragging about the economy and denying collusion is how trump begins anything he says. even when he orders mcdonald's, he's probably like, no collusion, millions of new jobs and give me three apple pies, please. but all that stuff is the his way of clearing his throat. the real point of the speech is

we're all going to die-- mexican style. >> as we speak, large organized caravans are on the march to the united states. ruthless coyotes, cartels, drug dealers, human traffickers, sex traffickers, criminal illegal aliens, child smuggling, the savage gang m.s.-13, 4,000 killings or murders, sadistic traffickers, very dangerous border. >> trevor: the president will be available for children's parties if you want to book him, folks. seriously, this part of the speech was so scary he should have been doing it with a flash light under his chin. they're coming m.s.-thirty13! but, the president has good

news-- these can all go away for the low, low price of $5.7 billion. >> in the past, most of the people in this room voted for a wall, but the proper wall never got built. i will get it built. with a powerful barrier in place, el paso is one of the safest cities in our country. simply put, walls work and walls save lives. ( applause ) >> trevor: really, mr. president? "walls save lives?" tell that to humpty dumpty. he could have been an instagram star! now he's just a fritata with 27 likes. now this is a super long speech, way longer than usual. nancy pelosi got bored and started looking at the menu halfway through. like, what is she doing? i kept expecting a waiter to come over with an order of buffalo wings. "here you go, ma'am. thank you!" but eventually one issue woke up

everybody and brought the room together. >> we have more women in the workforce than ever before. ( applause ) don't sit yet. you're going to like this. ( laughter ) we also have more women serving in congress than at any time before. ( applause ) ( audience chanting u.s.a. ) >> trevor: donald trump is a rock star, guys. he just took credit for the democrats electing more women. that is such a rock and roll move! look at what we've done, folks! look at what we've done! i mean, to be fair, donald trump has done more to get women democrats elected than anyone else, so i guess he does deserve the credit? yes, the same way we should thank smallpox for getting us into vaccines.

you know how it goes. and we should be thankful to the president for keeping all of us out of hypothetical walls. >> if i had not been elected president of the united states, we would right now, in my opinion, be in a major war with north korea. ( applause ) >> yeah! ( applause ) >> trevor: but thanks to me, folks, kim jong un has walked all over the united states, built more missile silos and given us nothing in return. they can't go to war with you if you've already surrendered, folks. i get it! i get it! it's a brilliant line of reasoning. my opinion -- yeah, in your opinion, anything can be right. in my opinion if we won -- border wall, illegal immigration, #collusion, same old same old. if you were a democrat, stayed in the same place.

if you were a republican, stayed in the same place. one thing we can all agree on, he read really well. yeah, he's really improved. i don't know if he's ready for a second term, but he's definitely ready for the second grade. i'm so proud of him. ( cheers and applause ) and to his credit, he tried to end the speech on a presidential note. >> i ask the men and women of this congress, look at the opportunities before us. our most thrilling achievements are still ahead. our most exciting journeys still await. our biggest victories are still to come. we have not yet begun to dream. >> trevor: that's right, folks. we have not yet begun to dream. in other words, the nightmare is just beginning. ( laughter )

stay tuned. after the break, "the daily show" is still live and we'll go to roy wood, jr. for the black state of the union. we'll be right back! don't go away, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) how do we tell people they get the best of both worlds with sprint? how 'bout we get two-sport legend, bo jackson... s'up. ...holding a mermaid ...playing a keytar... ...and a bird-horse. woah. why don't you just tell people sprint can save them more than $1,000 on an lte advanced network

that's now up to 2x faster than before. bo does know. this is the best robot analogy i've ever been in. with a great network and savings over verizon and at&t, you get the best of both worlds with sprint. yee-haw!

think only specialty stores have what's new? olay has the hottest debut. new olay clay stick masks, hydrating facial mist, and brightening eye cream. only by olay. ♪ his is the oldest registered distillery in the united states. from a place where the water is cool, clean, and iron-free. perfect for making tennessee whiskey. charcoal mellowed drop by drop for smooth sipping.

♪ which is the not the easy way... ♪ ...but it's his way. ♪ ...but it's his way. it's simple mathematics. each one of these...for just one of these. you're dead. only pizza hut has a $5 lineup of your favorites. get 'em fast for just a lincoln each. or these. good thing they're sold literally everywhere business is done. i'm pretty sure you could buy them at a bank. not sorry. reese's.

( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! we are live and we just got out of the state of the union. now, during tonight's state of the union, president trump spelled out his vision for america. i mean, he didn't literally spell it out because spelling isn't something he does, but he told us where he sees the country going and, as is tradition, the state of the union was followed by several rebuttal speeches. former candidate for governor of georgia stacey abrams delivered the democratic response. california attorney general javier vacera gave a speech on behalf of spanish speaking americans and mitt romney gave a speech on behalf of americans who think ketchup is too spicey. on "the daily show" we have our own annual response when we cover the issues that are of special importance to black

america. please rise, not really, just clap as roy wood, jr. enters to deliver the annual state of black shit address ( cheers and applause ) >> good evening black people, african-americans, people of color and white people taking the 23 and me results far too seriously. >> 2 percent skim milk. i'm roy wood, jr. and i'm speaking to you from the capitol of black america, the corner booth of a waffle house in birmingham, alabama. i heard this is the one dr. king stopped at when he came from selma. >> mmm! we black people are gathered here to once again ask ourselves a question -- where we is? ( laughter ) we're glad the government shutdown has ended and the government opened again because this shutdown hit black america especially hard. i was at the airport and i saw a lot of black people working for

free. i'm surprised you didn't catch t.s.a. agent singing airport spirituals. ♪ shoes off and laptops out ♪ when you bring the carry-on home ♪ ♪ to the tune of swing lo sweet chariot ). but we won't let it shadow us. the state of shit is black as shit in. november, more black congress people than ever were elected to the house of representatives! ( cheers and applause ) >> u.s.a.! u.s.a.! u.s.a.! >> okay, we know where we live. and we're even gaining representation abroad. meagan markel is now the second black person in the royal family.

>> who's the first? the queen. that hat's black. >> them hats' nice. another thing to celebrate, black unemployment is at an all-time low and for that we have to thank the president. >> obama? yeah, what other president did you think i was talking about? ( talking at the same time ) >> i don't know that man. all right, then. let's talk about the state of black music. beyonce conquered coachella, kendrick took home a pulitzer and 2018 was the year we finally stepped up and muted r. kelly. >> that mangey bastard. wait a minute, madam speaker. a charge led by black women forced our community to finally confront r. kelly. >> he ain't shit! let me finish. our community confronted r. kelly and finally said enough is enough. all right, now do it. >> i said what i said.

( laughter ) >> okay. now, of course, 2018 also reminded us that, in america today, white people will still call the cops on you just for being black. being black at a barbecue or being black at a pool party or a lemonade stand. >> or just trying to sell a little weed out of your apartment. >> that's illegal. okay, whatever. where was i? white ladies. when they call the cops on us for no reason, we change their names to some shit that they will never live down, and black people rallied together all year long. when kanye went to the white house and gave a ted talk in a hat, black people came together and we boycotted the bad songs on his album. ( laughter ) and to support our brother colin kaepernick, we all bought a fresh pair of nikes. >> where are mine right now? boy, get your foot off this couch! dr. king sat here!

( laughter ) and this lastly brings me to the future of black shit, and the future is looking bright. we're finally getting criminal justice reform, jordan peele dropping another scary ass movie and not one but two black people running for president. >> kamala and cory. two light-skins. not the time for that. not the time for that. ( laughter ) so, black people, when you ask the question where we is, i say to you, we're on our way to a future that's looking bright and a future that's looking black. god bless you, god bless black america, and god bless the 34 tv shows hosted by michael strahan. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) >> you shouldn't have to pay for the food. it's black history month! ( cheers and applause )

you're acting so funny, what's wrong, billy? my doctor says i have skittles pox. are they contagious? i don't think so. contract the rainbow! taste the rainbow!

to severe plaque psoriasis get clearer. and stay clearer. most patients who saw 90% clearer skin at 28 weeks stayed clearer through 48 weeks. tremfya® may lower your ability to fight infections and may increase your risk of infections. before treatment, your doctor should check you for infections and tuberculosis. tell your doctor if you have an infection or have symptoms such as: fever, sweats, chills, muscle aches or cough. before starting tremfya® tell your doctor if you plan to or have recently received a vaccine. tremfya®. stay clearer. janssen can help you explore cost support options. tremfya®. stay clearer. (engine in the distance) (wheels screeching) (kickstart my heart by motley crue) (truck honks) (ave maria by shubert) (loud thump, wheels screeching) (kickstart my heart) and people think i'm nuts... (engine revving) (wheel screeching) (clapping) (sound of can hitting bag and bowl) (cheering and clapping) always there in crunch time (engine revving, leaves swooshing) go get 'em nutman!!!

♪ ♪

♪ 16 oz of pure annihilation. taste like berry-flavored win sauce new mountain dew amp game fuel. victory in a can. sweat. dedication. cupcakes. i'm michael griffin. i'm brian orakpo. we played football together for the titans. now, we own a cupcake shop. we bake, we decorate. i love this new surface pro. it's light, it's sleek, it's fast. i'm able to draw what color frosting we want. we do a lot with social media. we have funny videos that we do in the bakery [laughs]. there's nothing that you can't do on this device. cupcakes are a great business. oh yeah, as long as you don't eat the profits!

( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show," coming to you live after the state of the union, my guest tonight is a op-ed columnist for the "new york times," a cnn contributor, and author of three best-selling books. please welcome frank bruni. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> trevor: what did you make to have the state of the union? >> well, you know, it was a real whiplash experience because there were the moments he was appealing for unity saying he wanted to take a bipartisan approach and then there were the moments he was lying, and baiting the democrats with descriptions of abortion laws that were highly exaggerated and then the border. you would think after the longest shutdown he would temper his language, but it was as blood soaked and lawless and fantastical in terms of the relation to the truth as ever. >> trevor: seems like trump has message, let's come together

doing what i want. ( applause ) >> i would elongate it, let us all come together doing what i want and constantly praising me. >> trevor: he loved that. i mean, that was probably one of my favorite moments was when women stood up in congress and it was the democrats, the freshmen democrats, and he was, like, yeah, that's what we did. >> this is great because everyone was wondering house of he going to be affected by nancy pelosi literally being on his shoulder. if you looked at the right camera angle she was like a head on his left shoulder. you thought, would this freak him out? and the answer is he would be a feminist, he would take credit for all the women in white sitting there, and if the republicans had won, there would not be a record of women in the house. so his inner feminist is fraudulent, let's say. >> trevor: to say the least. yeah. >> trevor: the lies in and around the border, it was particularly egregious. he came in and basically went from the state of the union is

strong to america is dying very quickly because immigration is uncontrolled and we need to stop it with a wall. >> and the caravans are coming and sending the troops to the border. >> trevor: the caravans are coming. we found out they are coming, there's a new one coming. >> yeah. >> trevor: how do you think democrats begin to combat this narrative? is there a thing or do they legislate around trump. >> they have been fighting it with facts and america is on their side. americans don't think we should do anything and everything to have a border wall and blame trump for a shutdown. the democrats are winning and it was unnerving to have nancy pelosi's head on his left shoulder. >> trevor: there was a cut where they went to bernie sanders when he talked about socialism would not live in this country and bernie sanders was like, aaaaa -- >> it flops. >> trevor: do you think news just finds a narrative and they

go this is who the best line applies to? >> i think all over the above. a number of democrats, alexandria orkz okays odor tees wears, you will hear donald trump about democrats' desire to turn america into a socialist country which is absurd. >> trevor: one of his biggest achievements is we are not at war because in his opinion we would be at war if it were not for him and north korea has not done anything because of him, but that's not what his intelligence officials said. >> it was so surprising to hear donald trump give himself so much credit because usually he's so modest about knees things. ( laughter ) so that threw me off entirely. it is fascinating, because just

a week ago his intelligence chiefs were saying the opposite of what he was saying. the president sticks to what he wants to say even if the facts completely contradict him. >> trevor: going forward, do you think this is going to be one of the nights where people go, he's presidential, looked like a president and is ready to lead the country, or do you think the facade of donald trump reading word off a prompter doesn't affect people anymore. >> how soon does pebegin to tweet? that's when the presidential aura goes away. teleprompt trump and twitter trump are two entirely different people. >> trevor: what's interesting, i find his tweets directly correlate to what he says about his speech on the news. if everyone on cable news says this was a great speech, donald trump will tweet out wonderful things in the morning saying let's come together. if you write something horrible about him, he's going to tweet. so the power is in your hands. >> oh, wow, i don't know how to deal with that, trevor. >> trevor: thanks for being on the show.

excited to have you again. his columns appear in the "new york times" every sunday and wednesday. to subscribe to his weekly newsletter, go to nytimes.com/bruniletter. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) almost time for me to go. well, what if i... drove me home? [♪] what if we lost track of time? [♪] what if we took a leap of faith? whoo-hoo! what if you... missed my flight next week? [♪] the all-new rav4. toyota. let's go places. i'll take is pepsi ok? is pepsi, ok? is pepsi, ok!? [laughter] are puppies, ok? is a shooting star, ok? is the laughter of a small child, ok? pepsi's more than, ok! it's okayyyy

okurrrr ♪ i like it okay, what have we learned today? you want a pepsi? i want a pepsi. there you go. okurrr. aaahh. i've got to come up with my own catch phrase. okayyy righit doesn't get any two kfc better then that.or 3 bucks. "frying sound" "kapushh" "shooo shoop" "shoop" "kapah!" actually, with four flavors to choose from, it did get better, and i stand corrected. get any 2 kfc chicken littles for 3 dollars. rewards me basically aeverywhere.om so why am i sliding into this ski lodge with my mini horse? because hotels.com lets me do me. sorry, the cold makes him a little horse. hotels.com. you do you and get rewarded. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. we'll be back again tomorrow. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> today is judah's 81st

81st birthday. ♪ happy birthday to you ♪ happy birthday to you ♪ happy birthday dear judah ♪ happy birthday to you ( applause ) >> thank you! ey would don't that for me, judah. ( laughter ) - ♪ i'm going down to south park gonna have myself a time ♪ - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ going down to south park gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting howdy neighbor! ♪ - ♪ headin' up to south park gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - [muffled] - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends o' mine! ♪

- ♪ come on down to south park ♪ when taco bell's nacho fries disappear... where did you go? ...one man must bring them home. and now you can bring home nacho fries with a $5 nacho fries box set. now serving at a taco bell near you. [bong]