i'm sorry, hold up. [sniffs] hold up. i'm sorry. "everything was good for the hobbit. "but then this mean little girl called the jelly monster, "she was so jelly of the hobbit "that she told everyone she was a liar "and the hobbit's fiance realized she was just a hobbit. "and you know what he said? "he said, 'i don't care!' "and then the jelly monster came "and tried to take the magic powder "away from the little hobbit. "so the hobbit prayed to god, and god said, "'don't worry, little hobbit, "'i will go find this jelly monster girl "and i will read her a story and melt her icy heart.' "and the hobbit said, 'thank you.' "and the hobbit and god lived happily ever after in the shower forever 'cause i love her so much." [sniffles, sobs] i'm sorry. hold up. hold up. hold up. i'm sorry. - i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i have been jelly. - so hold up, i'm sorry, it's okay. hold up. i'm sorry. - no, no, i've been a hater, and i really am sorry. - i'm sorry, that's okay. i've been jelly before too. i'm sorry.

[soft music] ♪ - [clicks mouse] >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪

>> trevor: oh! welcome to the show, everybody! thank you so much for coming out! i appreciate you so much! and thank you for tuning in! i'm trevor noah! ( cheers and applause ) let's get into it! our guests tonight are the creators of comedy central's hit new show called "the other two." chris kelly and sarah schneider are joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) it's a really really fun show getting great reviews. we'll be chatting about that. google is secretly listening to you. jussie smollett and roy wood, jr. are here with "cp time." but first, let's catch up on today's headlines. breaking news about whg something that thank god didn't happen. >> a u.s. coast guard lieutenant is under arrest, investigators say he was planning a major attack on innocent civilians and

hat a list of prominent names. >> had stockpiled wells including 1,000 bullets, handguns and assault riffingleles. >> this hit list contained names of prominent democrats as well as a number of 2020 democratic candidates, the list containing names of journalists from cnn and nbc. hasson googled topics like civil war if trump impeached. >> trevor: holy shit. this is one to have the scariest stories of 2019, and it's a reminder that this current political climate is going to drive people to do crazy things. crazy people but are still going to do crazy things. eth also a reminder that your search history will screw over you over every time. that's why when i search something embarrassing i be sure to throw them off the traivment

i'll be, like, where can my friend by male spanx, that's what i do it. weird poop, not mine though. ( laughter ) the internet made killers soft. jack the ripper didn't have google. he had to go to the knife store and talk to a person -- what do you recommend to cut up a prostitute-sized deer? ( laughter ) moving on, climate change. for two years, americans have been begging president trump and his administration to take it seriously. yesterday, the white house finally announced that it will create a special panel to do the opposite. >> a climate change skeptic will lead a white house panel to examine climate change. "the washington post" reports the proposed commission will be let by this man, on the national security council and believes

carbon emissions should be viewed as an asset not pollution. >> the deanization of carbon dioxide is like the demonization of the jews under hitler. carbon dioxide is actually a benefit to the world and so were the jews. >> trevor: i'm sorry, what? trump is trolling us, right? this can't be real. how is this guy on earth much less leading a white house climate change panel. he said going after carbon dioxide is the same as hitler going after the jews. and he said it with a straight face. at least i think it was a straight face. hard to tell. his face looks like he removed his own skin and tried to put it back on really quickly. i don't know what's going on. only the trump administration would find a guy who is pro carbon dioxide to lead a climate change channel. who else is on the panel?

a farting doubt and oil spill? get out of here! if you are tired of your old phone and having money, samsung has something. >> samsung is unveiling new smartphones. >> will sell for $1,980 when released april 26. it looks like a regular smartphone but opens to reveal a 7.3-inch display. >> trevor: i'm excited about this because you realize we can finally be dramatic when hanging up on people. oh, yeah? go to hell! bam! that's how it used to be with land lines. you kids don't remember but that was the greatest thing about old phones. you end a call with somebody and you could be like, screw you! bang, bang, bang! the person could feel it in their ear. aaahhh!

my ears, my ears! today's phones don't have the same satisfaction. you're more worry about the phone being hurt. screw you! aaah -- ( laughter ) it's amazing. >> trevor: do tech companies want phones to be big or small. the first phones were smaller then got bigger and bigger, and now it's a tablet and unfolds into a bigger tablet and now people will be walking around with tvs as the new phone. and then it's going to swing back the other way and folks -- they will get so tiny you will swallow it by mistake. the phone will ring and you will be, like, hello, hello -- ( laughter ) we're learning about technology that's coming soon, and then we'll learn about technology we didn't know we had. >> other news involving google's

next home security system, has a hidden microphone which can be used to access other google device but google never told anyone about it. google says the mic was never meant to be a secret and disclosed it. >> trevor: in hindsight our policy of stealing your dna to make sex clones for saudi sheiks should have been disclosed earlier. ( laughter ) i wish i had done this when i was shoplifting as a kid. mister, i realize i shouldn't have had this candy in my pocket without paying and going forward we vow to give more attention to this issue. oh, these chips, i recognize now. it's bullshit. they know what they're doing. what's crazy is the only reason tech companies is spying on us is to get better to advertising to us. that's the only reason. but somehow the advertising isn't improving at all. i don't know ant you, but i'm

always seeing ads for stuff that i don't need, right. i see ads on my instagram for a lawn mower. i live in new york city. a baby stroller, i don't need that, i'm a big boy. the worst for me is i get these ads for penis enlargement cream. i don't need that. i need vagina shrinking cream! ( laughter ) let's move on to today's top story. ( audience reacts ) ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> trevor: oh, man! oh! jussie smollett. a month ago, few people knew who he was. if you heard jussie smollett, you were either talking to a huge fan of the show "empire" or you overheard a drunk guy trying to order an omelet. what will you be having, sir? jussie smollett with extra ham.

( laughter ) but now the whole world knows just's name for all the wrong reasons. >> "empire" actor jussie smollett is in police custody after turning himself in overnight. he is accused of faking a hate crime after his story of being attacked by racists fell to pieces. >> smollett is charged with disorderly conduct after filing a false police report, a fell yi in illinois. >> smollett filed the false report because he didn't feel he was getting paid enough on "empire." >> trevor: you get your ass beat, then go to your boss and say i need another million dollars i need to buy band aids. call me old fationd. whatever happened to going into your boss' office and black mailing him with nudes, okay? this is such a petty reason to pull off such a major crime.

imagine if we found out the reason t tupac faked his death s to get out of a blockbuster late fee. that would be insane. we know tupac was murdered by belong buster because he didn't return forrest gump. those guys didn't mess around. chicago police put together a story of what they believe happened and are confident enough to charge smollett because looks like jussie and the bothers who faked the attack with him left no shortage of incriminating evidence. >> police say they tracked the two brothers down via the ride share car service they used. >> we know that the police have the cell phones of the young men. >> there were conversations between smollett and these two nigerian-americans an hour before the attack, an hour after the attack and when they traveled to nigeria. >> police say smollett paid the brothers a total of $3,500 via a check and promised a $500

follow-up. >> trevor: they're saying he paid his acome plies with a check. ( laughter ) did he also write "fake hate crime" in the memo? ( laughter ) even amateurs know, if you commit a crime, you go all cash, people. no paper trail! ( laughter ) you've never seen a movie where the bad guys are, like, i need you to get rid of someone for me. now, who do i make this check out to? is that knuckles with a k? oh, crap, i've got to start again. i keep writing 2018 on all my murder checks, aaahhh! ( laughter ) so if he tid do this, smollett did a horrible job with this fake crime. in fact, the chicago police also claimed today that smollett wanted his hate crime to be caught on camera, but it turns out that didn't go right either. >> police say they went over security video from dozens of pod cameras but the staged attack itself was never captured by a rotating security camera. >> i believe mr. smollett wanted

it on camera but unfortunately that particular camera wasn't nointed that direction. ( laughter ) >> trevor: you've got to be shitting me. he wanted to be caught but he didn't get caught on camera because he didn't know which way the camera was pointing? you're an actor, that's your only job! your only job! ( cheers and applause ) how do yohow do you not know? ( applause ) now i'm starting to think jussie was ton set of "empire," what do you mean my father -- sorry, sorry, where is it? what durham? don't you nil about cookie! i think we've got this. can i get a raise now? ( laughter ) so jussie is potentially going to prison for a while, and in his wake, he has screwed over everyone. think about it. members of the gay community are emotionally terrorized over something that turned out to be a hoax. trump supporters are upset about being falsely accused.

and democrat candidates -- democratic candidates are tying themselves into knots trying to walk back their initial statements calling this a modern-day lynching. nobody won in this thing. the only winner here is subway. because before this story, i didn't know they were open at 2:00 a.m. did you guys know that? i genuinely didn't know that. ( applause ) the point is nobody won. but there is a silver lining. when this started out, it was a story about people who hated jussie smollett because he was black and gay. but now, people hate him because he's an asshole. ( laughter ) in other words, they're judging him on the content of his character and not the color of his skin, and that, my friends, is progress. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back.

>> here's your salary for the week, jussie. >> what? ( laughter ) $60,000? i've worked three days this week. >> maybe you're not as important as you think. >> it's not enough! it's just not enough... ( sinster music ) >> his poverty grove him to crime. >> i'm so important on this show, i'm getting death threats. >> wow. this is shocking. ( laughter ) you're actually getting fan mail. so cool. >> they didn't take him seriously enough. >> they don't take me seriously enough. >> so he came up with a plan that would change his life forever. >> what is wrong, jussie? >> i'm sorry nigerian trainer, i can't concentrate. i sent myself a death threat letter at work.

nobody cared. >> why would no one care? >> you are famous! and gay! >> what if that letter was real, and a trump supporter beat you up in the street because you were famous! >> and gay! >> i need to find a maga trump supporter and get him to beat me up in the streets, and then i'll make more money. >> but, jussie, where would you find trump supporters willing to participate in this risky scheme? ( laughter ) >> i'm looking at them right now. ( laughter ) >> i'm talking about you guys! >> and, so, the plot was hatched. >> i have a hat and a noose so that everyone knows that i am racist. >> good job. good job. >> and i brought the bleach! >> the bleach? why? >> i am so racist that i want to turn black people white!

>> critics are calling performance of the year. >> mmm! i love eating sandwiches at 2:00 a.m.! >> hey! aren't you that actor -- that is underpaid -- on the show "empire" -- who is very famous? >> and gay! >> yes, i am. aaahhh! aaahhh! aaahhh! ow, that really hurt. >> this is maga country! >> aaahhh! >> jussie's lie. >> i'm the gay tupac. ( laughter ) ( applause ) have you ever worked with dr. francis? oh yeah, he's ok. umm... just ok? guess who just got reinstated! well, not officially. nervous? yeah. yeah me too. don't worry about it, we'll figure it out. i'll see ya in there!

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[ upbeat music starts ] the spacious volkswagen tiguan. more room means more fun. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." it's february, which means it's black history month, and we're celebrating all month with roy wood, jr. and "cp time." ♪ ♪

>> welcome to "cp time." the only show that's for the culture. today, we'll discuss betrayal. brew us the and caesar, tupac and shug nite, and most memorably the verizon guy going to sprint. the trail is a subject black americans are familiar with. for centuries, america's enemies have tried to recruit us against our own country in times of war. a devious tactic. much like how pierre turned my wife against me by telling her stories of my infidelity. ( laughter ) plus phiier had those lower pelvic muscles that go right to the action zone. i never stood a chance. hater. ( laughter ) turning black americans against america is as old as america itself. during the revolution, the british told american slaves that if they fought for the empire, they could have freedom and land after the war.

and when you are a slave, those are the most valuable offers you can get. it goes freedom, land, and bed bath and beyond coupons. this coupon is from 1983, and it's still good. ( laughter ) the first british official to make this offer was the governor of virginia, lord dunnmore. his con stepped of freeing slaves was radical. but then again, dunnmore had a lot of radical ideas like wearing knee high argyle socks. look at that man. out there in 1775 looking like andre 3000. even after slavery ended, america's enemies kept trying to recruit black folk. during worl world war i, the ges wrote propaganda letters to black soldiers, trial date to persuade them to leave america and fight for germany. here's what they wrote -- do you

enjoy the same rights as white people in mark? or aren't you treated over there as second-class citizens? bet you didn't know i spoke fluent german. but the germans couldn't convince black people to go to germany which is probably for the best. black people would not have done well under hitler because we couldn't have helped ourselves from roasting his ass. look at him. i didn't know you could get a brazilian on your face! boy, you look like you went down on a magic marker! hitler you look a damn fool! boy, you should kill yourself! ( laughter ) even america's enemies today tried to recruit black people. after the riots in ferguson, missouri, i.s.i.s. offered to send over soldiers to fight for black people if we joined their caliphate. i won't lie to you, for a moment, the offer from i.s.i.s.

was tempting. but then i remembered, there's no pork in islam. and while america has its problems, america makes a good-ass sparerib, yes, she does. damn right she does. well, that's all the time we have for today. i'm roy wood, jr., and this has been "cp time." and remember, we're for the culture -- and ribs. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ( choking ) damn! that's spicey! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: roy wood, jr., everyone! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) good to see you again!

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is is >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guests tonight are the co-creators and co-writers of the critically acclaimed comedy central series "the other two." >> why is everyone wearing jeans? i thought they were rich. >> i think if you're rich, you can wear jeans to things. >> i want to be rich and wear jeans to things. >> next. >> pick someone you look like. >> hinsly mortimer from the real housewives. >> and i'm ellen degeneres. >> nice try. walk back by the bushes where absolutely no one will photograph you. ellen, right there way. >> i'm just going to stick with tinsley, thank you, though. >> trevor: please welcome chris kelly and sarah schneider. ( cheers and applause ) ♪

>> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you. thanks for having us. >> trevor: congratulations on your new show. it's gotten some great reviews, which is not easy to do. i think it's sitting at 93% on rotten tomatoes, which is really good. >> we don't check every day, so thank you for telling us. >> trevor: i she can every single day. >> thank you so much. >> trevor: it really has gotten good reviews. the show, for those who haven't seen it, is a story of siblings who have a younger sibling who becomes internet famous overnight and just becomes famous-famous. >> yes. >> trevor: how do you begin to write the story that really feels like it's based completely on real life? >> well, in terms of, like, the youtube world, we spent a lot of, like, long days tiffing deep into, like, true youtubeers and what their videos look like and what their trajectory looks like and all the different personas they've occupied. >> trevor: because they've become stars. >> right. >> trevor: a lot of people who are on tv are, like, oh, those

internet kids. and the kids are, like, i make $5 million a year. >> yeah. >> the older that's correct on our show are only 28 and 30, which is not old. but compared to a 13-year-old who's, like, i'm a billionaire out of nowhere, you feel like you're 100. >> trevor: yes. >> that's interesting that you can feel old and washed up, even though that's not true. >> trevor: this is a story that focuses less on how somebody's life changes because of fame and more about how their fame affects everybody in their lives. >> yeah. >> trevor: which is with an interesting angle. people forget you might become famous, but people around you are affected by that fame. >> totally. we set out to write a family show. at its core, those are the stories we wanted to tell, and the fame is the catalyst for all the stuff they deal with, but we think the premise makes it feel like it could be only talking about the fame and only a pop culture satire, but that's the umbrella we like to play with to

put this family up against. >> trevor: why did you make the show so nice? i genuinely enjoyed this. i thought it would be a cynical show where the older siblings are shitting on him in his youtube world, but it's a great owe where it's a family and they love their little brother. they're jealous of his fame but not him. they go, we still love you, but it's just weird you became famous before us. they're also actors and trying to become famous. why tid you choose to create it in that way? it's not a cynical show. >> we talked about that, because we thought it would be an easier way that you would expect in that they genuinely loved their little brother but they're also jealous of him and worried about him and what the industry will do. the kid is not the villain. but the entertainment industry, the machine around him is the villain. i don't know. >> and in some ways it's tougher to be lapped by the someone you love. if you could write them off, you

don't care, but if you're happy for them and love them, it's cool tough in a different way -- yeah, i love this... >> trevor: one of my favorite lines is the line where the younger brother says, this has been such a tough, long journey, i have been doing this for eight months. ( laughter ) and you realize how relative time is depending on what you have been doing. but you've got a lot of those lines and feelings from real life. >> case walker who plays the kid chase -- their names are very close which is an accident -- it was case walker's first audition ever and he booked it. when we met him, he was talking about how he had been working at this for a while and excited to book the show and he's, like, yeah, when i started doing music stuff, like, six months ago -- and we were both like, six months ago? >> trevor: it's a lifetime, it really is for him. the show is doing well. you've gotten picked up for a second season, so congratulations on that. season one. i'm excited to see where it

goes. thank you so much for being on the show. really great having you both. "the other two" airs thursdays at 10:30 p.m. on comedy central. chris kelly and sarah schneider. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ state of the art technologyt makes it brilliant. the visionary lexus nx. lease the 2019 nx 300 for $359 a month for 36 months. experience amazing at your lexus dealer. if old sphow will theyense helps know i worked hard?, i've gotta make stuff harder. ♪ there, that's hard. ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ oh, pete!?! c'mon man. what? we said pantyhose right? here, eat this... creamy snickers®. you could use a little smoothness. pete? pete zagorin? oh, that's peter. i taught him social studies. nope. not peter zagorin. get smooth with the fresh-ground nut butters in new creamy snickers®. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in! we'll see you next week! for now, here it is... your moment of zen. >> i mean, i walked in between the 5 and outnumbered overtime, and there's not a soul here.

you think we abandoned the place. then it comes back on. so we're doing a great job watching the light bill. >> between the 5 and outnumbered overtime, we're on between those two shows. >> no we're not. >> between the 5 which is at 5:00. >> no, the five. the five. >> oh, at night. >> 5 at night and outnumbered overtime, this place searchty. >> but between the 5 which is at 5:00 p.m. ends at 6. then outnumbered overtime is at 1:00 in the afternoon when -- >> when heather faulkner says, here's dana -- harris faulkner says, here's dana -- >> you're talking about the story with martha mcallen? >> oh mix gosh! ( applause )