you love those balls. [laughter] - okay, kyle, that's enough ball-sucking. we need to get you boys home. - oh, look, kyle. you're choking on my balls. oh, you seem to be recovering now. oh, and you're just diving in for a second helping. oh, kyle! [cheers and catcalls] - i am not sucking cartman's balls! - whatever you imagine to be real is real. remember... ♪ i-mag-in-ation - [together] ♪ imagin-ation ♪ imagin-a-a-a-ation ♪ imagination - butters? butters! - huh? what? oh... oh, it was all just a dream. - come on, butters, time to get up. - oh, dad, i had the craziest dream.

i saved all of imaginationland from running wild after a terrorist attack! - you were in imaginationland, butters. we've read all about it in the paper. the question is: what were you doing in imaginationland when you were supposed to be helping your mother clean up the basement? - you are grounded, mister! - aww. wait, i'm not grounded. - oh, yes, you are! - oh, yeah? - that only works in imaginationland. you're grounded! aw, shit. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪

>> trevor: welcome, everybody! welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! thank you for tuning in! thank you all for coming out! thank you so much! let's do it! let's do it! our guest tonight, here to celebrate this week's series finale of the hit show "broad city," abbi jacobson and ilana glazer are joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) yes! also on tonight's show, the mueller report is finally out. plus, democrats have a new plan that will totally work this time. but first let's catch up on today's headlines. ♪ i.s.i.s. four years ago, they had a terrorist state spreading across syria and iraq. but this weekend, their last neighborhood was officially gentrified. >> more breaking news this morning, the i.s.i.s. caliphate is crumbling, the last i.s.i.s. strong hold in syria has fallen, that's according to the u.s.-backed syrian democratic

forces. you will remember at the height of their power, i.s.i.s. controlled, look at this map, an area the size of portugal across syria. >> trevor: this is great news, my friends, i.s.i.s. is gone and all of syria -- syria's problems are finally solved. don't google that. ( laughter ) but, yes, i.s.i.s.'s caliphate is crumbling. caliphate crumble, sounds like a great ice cream flavor. tastes so good it brings death to your diet. ( laughter ) honestly, this has been coming for a while. you could tell i.s.i.s. was getting desperate when they were forced to sell ad space in their beheading videos. this is brought to you by casper mattresses, you will sleep like you're dead! michael, stormy daniels lawyer, was on tv in the anti-trump resistance, said considering running for president. he's not. >> michael avenatti has been arrested for extortion. >> avenatti arrested today on

charges he conspired to commit extortion against nike. allegedly threatened nike he would go public with claims the company was paying high school basketball players. he wanted $1.5 million for his client at $120 million for himself. he tweeted 12:16 today he was going to hold a press conference tomorrow. 14 minutes later, he was arrested in midtown manhattan. >> trevor: wow, wow, wow! he sends out a tweet and 14 minutes later, they arrested him. sounds like everyone's fantasy of what should have happened to donald trump. ( laughter ) also a good reminder to turn off your location whenever you tweet. what a weekend! mueller is done, i.s.i.s. is done, avenatti is done, trump is winning so hard right now! actually, can someone check on hillary because at this rate she's going to be locked up by the end of the day. finally moving on to some technology news, apple is doing everything. >> trevor: make room netflix

and amazon, a new streaming service in the game is apple. >> today's event looked more like a hollywood movie career than a tech company. >> apple announce add video gaming service. a tv service and apple credit card was unveiled. >> the card is titanium and your name is laser esmed on it. it's the most beautifully designed card ever, and your apple card is more secure than others. it has no card number, no cvv, no expiration and no signature. ( cheers and applause ) >> whoo! >> trevor: whoo, whoo, whoo! you know why that card is secure? because apple has taken all our money. you can't rob what i don't have! ( laughter ) an apple credit card shows you how successful they are. they have so much of our money we have to borrow it back from them to afford more apple stuff. an apple card is super stupid and i want one so badly. i don't know what it is about

apple, i want everything they make. if apple made aides i would be, like, i want aides. but aides plus. let's move on to today's top story. ( cheers and applause ) the mueller investigation. no cheers? ( laughter ) it's hard to believe that it's been a part of our lives for nearly two years. yeah. you realize when this investigation started, two of america's most popular people were kevin spacey and louie ck. that's how long it's been going on. now after 2800 subpoenas, 500 witnesses and 10,000 twitter rants, it's finally over. >> tonight, breaking news, the mueller report. >> special counsel robert mueller find fog collusion. >> we finally know the principal collusions of special counsel robert mueller. the trump campaign did not help the russians meddle in the election, the report finds. >> the cloud of collusion that has loomed large overhis presidency for nearly two years has been lifted.

>> no indictments. no charges. so that's it. it's over. >> trevor: that's right, the mueller investigation report is in and it says there was no collusion. and i'm not going to lie, i was a little disappointed. a lot of us were expecting something different. it's a little bit like coming down the stairs on christmas morning, you were hoping for a brand-new bmx, but, instead, you find santa's dead body. ( laughter ) burnt because your parents forgot to turn off the fire! ( laughter ) like, i guess now why we see trump kept on saying, no collusion! he was doing the secret. see you put it out in the universe, and it happens for you. that's all he did. no collusion! no collusion! how many for times? no collusion! ( laughter ) instead of fighting him, we ask him to use his powers for good. get him to say things we don't want. no student debt, folks! all gone, all gone. ( laughter )

you don't have to be a genius to know trump was really excited to hear this news. we have footage from when he found out that miewferl had let him off the hook. ( cheers and applause ) >> when it comes to donald j. trump's collusion with russia, you did not collude! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: yeah. ( laughter ) that woman was every single liberal in the country all weekend long. >> trevor: now, obviously, trump wasn't on maury povich getting results but he was celebrating just about as hard. >> we haven't seib or heard from the president much this weekend but from what we're told he's in a great mood. we know on friday he was cracking jokes at a fundraising dinner, saturday playing golf with kid rock, and today is back out on trump international golf

course. >> there was no collusion with russia, there was no obstruction, none whatsoever, and it was a complete and total exoneration. >> trevor: now, if you will excuse me, my uber driver is waiting for me. ( laughter ) yes, that's right, after the report came out, trump was so happy he went golfing with kid rock. amazing how different human beings are because, for me, playing golf with kid rock seems more like the punishment. ( laughter ) by the way, i can't think of anything more disrespectful for the flag than having to spend four hours wrapped around kid rock's dick. ( laughter ) now you may have noticed trump said mueller's report totally exonerated him, but that's not totally true. >> on the other key question, whether the president tried to obstruct justice, the special counsel didn't give a definitive answer, leaving it to the attorney general to decide

whether to charge the president with a crime. barr telling lawmakers while mueller's report doesn't conclude the president committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him. >> trevor: are you shitting me? robert mueller spends two years investigating obstruction of justice and his conclusion, is i don't know, what do you guys think? that is not an answer, robert mueller! that is the question we gave you! if i wanted my questions answered with questions, i wouldn't get a special counsel, i would get a therapist. why do you think you dream of marrying a horse? i don't know! if i knew that i wouldn't be here, i would be at home watching bo jack horseman! but right now the nuances of the report won't matter to trump reporters. they don't care about reading the rest. they starred their parade. >> happy no collusion day. >> years and years of breathless hysteria lies presented as facts and truth. what are all the conspiracy

theorists going to cover now? >> how many of the democrats do you think are going to apologize today? >> you would think they would have the decency to say i was wrong, i made a mistake. >> trevor: you know what? i never thought i would say this, but that puppet is right. people should apologize now. but i think everyone should apologize. democrats who accused trump of colluding should apologize, and republicans should apologize to robert mueller because they spent two years saying he was a partisan hack on a witch hunt. and here at "the daily show," we also need to apologize. i don't want to, but we have to, all right? so, mr. president, we're sorry we called you a russian pee-loving pumpkin helded colludasaurus. portions of that name were not accurate. as it stands, we'll have to wait to get the full details to have mueller report. one thing is clear, politically,

this was a wig w for the big t. >> it's a big win for president trump. >> this is actually a big win. >> a huge win for the president. >> huge win, hands down. >> this is likely good news for a lot of people around donald trump. >> yes. >> this is a difientive political victory for president trump and his allies. they are feeling triumphant today. >> trevor: yeah, it's true. trump and his people were really happy today, so happy mike pence even high fived a woman who wasn't mother and immediately apologized -- i'm sorry to everyone. but can i be honest, i don't think this was just a win for trump. i think this was really a win for everyone. i mean, this is great for democrats because they can move on from collusion now and campaign on the issues that more people care about. it's a win for america because you know that your president isn't a traitor. how many countries can say that? all of them. but you know what i mean. it's also a huge win for the children of africa because they're about to receive a giant shipment of trump colluded

t-shirts. and for all those taxpayers out there complaining "this investigation was waste of money," good news in, you're also winning, because robert mueller may have spent $25 million on this, but because of him, manafort had to pay the united states over $40 million. which i guess is another reason the mueller investigation was such a big win for trump. this is the first time he's been involved in something that actually turned a profit. on that note, we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) so how are you enjoying your it's just lovely.ament? i'm here to let all these folks know how easy it is to save money on their car insurance with geico- oi oi oi set the pick! kick it outside!! shoot the three! shoot the three!!

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somewhere you'll never find... sike! we put them everywhere. grocery stores and supermarkets, gas stations, and chiropractor's offices, bowling alleys, and grocery stores, which we already mentioned... not sorry, reese's. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." after two long years of investigating, robert mueller cleared president trump of russian collusion, and mueller finally took that vacation. look how much fun he's having,

hmm? that's his bathing suit. ( laughter ) even though the investigation seems over, many trump critics are still hoping there's something left to be discovered. for more, joined by roy wood, jr., everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> whups, man? >> trevor: roy, this is clearly not what many people wanted, but the mueller investigation has come to an end. >> no, no, no. no, no. no, trevor, that's where you're wrong. you're wrong. the hasn't ended. it's just the beginning. it's like iron man back in 2008. you thought the movie was over, but then, boom! sam jackson shows up after the credits and he's like, yo, sit your ass down, bitch! we got sequels coming. >> trevor: how is this the beginning? trump won politically, the investigation over. >> no, no, this investigation is over. we still have the southern district of new york investigation, the new york

state investigation, and the house democrats' investigation. trump's got so many investigations going, he could be his own "law and order" spinoff. "law and order: tremendous victims unit." ( laughter ) one of these investigations has to bring him down, trevor. >> trevor: i guess but you can't assume this will happen. mueller investigated trump for two years and found nothing. >> we don't know that, trevor! trump's attorney general only gave us a summary of mueller's report. we need the full report to see for ourselves! you never know. maybe a couple of pages got stuck together. maybe the part about collusion got covered with a mustard stain, or maybe mueller typed no collusion when he meant to type definitely collusion. spell check is a mother, bro. >> trevor: look, roy, i appreciate you want to check all the boxes but if mueller had found russian collusion, why wouldn't he have prosecuted it? >> that's a good point, trevor. mueller could be working for the

russians, too! >> trevor: yo, that's not what i was trying to say. >> then what were you trying to say, trevor? or is it vladimir noah? ( laughter ) >> trevor: come on, dude! i'm not russian! >> i don't know you. >> trevor: dude, are you wrist ning to yourself right now? just accept that trump beat this investigation. >> well, then we need more investigations. what about his tax returns? what about his casinos? what about how his son ain't got no chin. they ain't got no chin! they go from chin freight to the mouth and the throat. supposed to be something in between. between the mouth and the throat is supposed to be the chin, and it's gone. follow the chin! >> trevor: calm down, dude! why are you so hysterical? >> because we've got to get this man out of office, trevor! i haven't slept since 2006. i can't go five minutes without refreshing twitter. we have to get this man out of office. there's got to be a way,

brother. >> trevor: the 2020 election is coming up. why not just vote? >> we could frame trump for murder. i know a dude looking to get rid of a body. we'll wait till trump leaves and plant the body in the white house. >> trevor: roy, that's just crazy, man! >> right, we'll do it at mar-a-lago, less security. >> trevor: roy wood, jr., everybody! we'll be right back! you're going to jail! ( cheers and applause )

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please. cosmopolitan? nope! i'll have a stella artois. ♪ your stella, miss. thank you! ♪ wild night, huh? white russian? nah, gary, gimme a stella art-toes. excuse me... good choice. well, changing can do a little good... dude abides. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guests tonight are the creators and stars of the critically acclaimed comedy central series "broad city." >> okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, another one. i know. ready? from inside the mouth, oh hhhhh, the ken dis. >> oh, thank you. the ken dis, obviously, first of all, sex acts. second of all, they killed mary ellemarilyn monroe. >> wait, i thought marilyn

monroe died of a drug overdose. >> the government killed her because she knew too much. >> about? >> she knew about their bodies, she knew about their policies. >> where did you hear that? >> i will double-check but it's widely known. it's widely known. >> trevor: please welcome abbi jacobson and ilana glazer! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: oh, welcome back to the show. >> thank you so much for having us. >> trevor: oh, that was a nice little move you did with your chairs, you pulled them one way, then the other way, then you sat down. then you sat down. >> yes. >> trevor: welcome to the final episode of your show. this is really sad, as if the mueller report wasn't the saddest news of the day. this is super super sad. are you sad or are you, like, happy-sad or sad-sad or are you sad-happy?

>> i'm happy-sad. >> trevor: why? >> i feel so proud of the show that i'm, like, yeah! you know what i mean? i mean, i just feel so good about the show. >> trevor: right. >> but i will miss it. i will miss it. we have been talking about it like it's like sending a kid off to college, where you're, like, i obviously want this kid to go to college, but, you know, you're sad. >> trevor: you're happy because they're going to college but sad because they have to bribe their way into college. ( laughter ) i feel you. >> exactly. >> trevor: let's talk about the show. it really has been quite a journey that has become like a cultural phenomenon. you have people screaming, yes, queen, to you in the streets, which they will do until you are 100 years old. you realize that, right? what has that been like, creating a show that's a fundamental part of people's lives, it goes just beyond the comedy? >> i think the coolest part about it is we start as a web series in 2009, and ilana and i were on an improv team two

years before that, and the show is just about our dynamic. friendship. it's more than that, but people have responded most to the friendship, and that's been the through line throughout the whole thing and i love that's the biggest takeaway, i think. >> i feel almost like i haven't been able to process that, what you're asking about, until, you know, now that it's ending, there's a space to process that. before it's, like, i don't know we have been on this rollercoaster and making this show for so long and now that is kind of settling in and it feels phenomenal to me. >> trevor: it really is a wonderful story because it ties so much into your real lives. that's what a lot of people don't know about the two of you. these are some of the funniest people you can ever hang out with, just anywhere you go. you carry the show with you. what's interesting, though, when you started the show, it really was about two really young, you know, women, like, 20-year-olds doing their thing, and it feels

like the show grew as you grew and that became part of what you started to write into the show. was that, like, a very active decision you made? >> thank you so much, yeah. >> it's been a very meta experience, the show, especially the ending has been so -- it -- you're watching us grow up alongside the characters. >> trevor: right. >> we were just talking backstage about how i don't know even know how else to do it, really. we have been trying to be as true to ourselves as possible, keep learning what that means as the show is going, outside the show, you know. >> trevor: right, uh-huh. >> and keep putting that back into the show, and i guess it's kind of like why we clicked creatively and artistically in the first place. >> trevor: wasn't there, like, >> trevor: when you look at what you've done and how much people loved you together. you've become known as a comedy duo like sisters in the jokes, and you have been on a journey together, but this is the end of a chapter. do you see yourselves moving

moving forward together? you're still going to be friends, i hope. ( laughter ) but where do you see yourselves going from here? the jordan peele and michael key thing, one of you making movies and the other going into acting or are you both going to make and act? is this where you're going? >> i'm not going to do the whole thing, but i just talk about how -- >> she's got a thing she does. >> it's a ritual but i'm not going to do it. >> now you've got to do it. >> it's genius. it's just, like, we've learned all the hats, you know, we've -- we ran the show, writers, the actors, editing, producing in all of it, and all the hats stacked up on one project and now we're up here and it's horizontal now where it's, like, we have all this whole skill set and we can, like, scale up by using each skill, not necessarily. it's just time. >> trevor: right. >> it took all the time to do

all the hats on one thing. >> trevor: yes. >> we have this skill set now that we have been privileged enough to learn for five seasons of tv. so i think we're both going to do a lot of different stuff. >> trevor: so the hats get wider? ( laughter ) >> yeah, the hats tip over. >> trevor: because the hats are stacked on top, then you tip them over and they grow this way? >> yes. >> and then there are like ten rows of hats. and then you have, like, a whole row of ten hats and hats on hats on hats. >> trevor: you're putting hats on hats? >> eventually, yes. >> trevor: so the hats are expanding? >> no, you get new hats. >> you get new hats. >> you get new hats, trevor. >> trevor: but how do the hats balance on the hats? aren't the hats round? >> first they're wobbling, wow, we can only do five seasons because there are only so many hats open a stack, then you go horizontal and you breathe easy,

and you wear this hat on this project, and ilana and i will wear a hat together on this one. >> trevor: like one of the hats at the same time? >> the same hat. >> trevor: like a matching hat? >> yeah, we get two printed at the mall of the same hat. >> trevor: when you're building the second row over th -- row of the hats do you have to start with all the hats at the same time so they balance or put one higher up? >> you have a different array of hats individually and collectively. >> trevor: why not stack them vertically next to each other and create new ones? >> you're going to see all the hats. >> trevor: this should have been more about, like, the show. no, it's my bad. >> people usually just brush past this. >> they're, like, you don't know what you're talking about. so how does it feel to be a woman? >> trevor: i've stacked hats before. >> yeah, you're a hat stacker. >> trevor: i've stacked hats. >> oh! >> trevor: anyone who knows me know i stack hats and this threw

me off. >> it's almost like you've got a -- >> trevor: i feel like it's been an emotional rollercoaster. i started the day thinking about the robert mueller thing. now i'm thinking of hats. no matter what you're worrying about, you leave thinking about hats. the metaphorical hat. i don't know what was troubling me anymore, i'm thinking about hats now. >> you're right, we do a lot with metaphorical hats. >> we did this year. >> trevor: it likely is. one of the things in the episodes, and this is something i have been dieing to ask you. one of your characters comes out as bisexual and it's not like a big thing, a hoo-ha or, it's just, like, no, she's bisexual and normal the way it should be, and i was just, like, wow. >> there is a hat involved in that episode.

>> trevor: there really is. >> yes, but why did you choose to do it that way? >> you know, because the show, we felt the show has been so inclusive and ilana's character has been so fluid and open. >> trevor: yes. >> and it's not like abbi's character wasn't, but we never made a big deal about it on the show and why would we now, but we were able to use the hat. sounds like we are just all about hats. people who haven't seen the show, they're, like, what is this show? >> trevor: they're going to watch it now for the hats. >> once we found this ugly hat, it was a way for us to talk about ilana's feelings toward abbi being bisexual. we're fluid because we didn't even label it. >> yes. >> trevor: it was fun to -- also, like, as close as abbi and ilana are, they are also sort of standard narrative dudes in a way where they're, like, not gunpoint going to talk about it. so they put it on something else. >> trevor: yes. >> it's true of us and funny to put in the show. >> ilana's, like, so do you

think this is the hat for you. >> just talk about -- >> talking about the hat or what are we talking about? ( laughter ) >> yeah, that was fun. >> trevor: it was amazing. can i tell you? the entire show has been phenomenal. it's great you got to end it where you feel the story ends. we're excited to see where you go from here. may your hat stacking be prosperous and joyous. thanks for being on the show. wonderful being with you again. ladies and gentlemen, a series finale of "broad city" airs march 28 at 10:00 a.m. on comedy central. abbi jacobson and ilana glazer, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪

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