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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  March 26, 2019 11:00pm-11:36pm PDT

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moore or flicking your bean to bob new heart. if you're still alive after that, you can say you earned it. i'm jim jeffries, i think we can all do better. good night. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪
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>> trevor: i applaud you! i applaud you! welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! i'm trevor noah! our guest tonight, let's do it, y'all! our guest tonight is a grammy-nominated rapper just out with his first novel. you know him as logic. bobby hall is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, robert mueller's not going away. jussie smollett says no collusion, and a wardrobe malfunction that's literally out of this world. so let's catch up on today's headlines. jussie smollett. a month ago, the em"empire" actor was attacked by two trump supporters who turned out to be nigerian weight lifters who turned out to be american brothers. but now the story is getting weird. >> breaking news this hour,
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chicago prosecutors have dropped all charges against em"empire" actor jussie smollett. >> i have been truthful and consistent on every single level since day one. i would not be my mother's son if i was capable of one drop of what i was accused of. >> actually got a new statement from the county state's attorneys office which says we did not exonerate mr. smollett. the charges were dropped in turn for mr. smollett to do community service and forfeit his $10,000 bond to the city city. >> trevor: okay, wait. so jussie smollett was set free, but he's not innocent, but he's also not guilty. what? ( laughter ) we need someone to figure this out. mueller! we've got a new case for you! ( laughter ) and this time, just tell us what happened! jussie smollett is a free man. the prosecutors decided not to charge him but are not saying why. the chicago police are furious
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about this that jussie just gets to walk away. i'll be honest, i think it's pretty hilarious to see chicago cops ton other side of a case gone wrong for once. "all black people should have body cams!" so that's where we are now. the weirdest news story in america. i feel like in a week we'll turn on cnn and find out jussie smollett is dating mike pence after they met in a r. kelly concert. in the wake to have the boeing crashes that rocked the airline industry, everyone had questions about how the incidents could have happened. now we're starting to get answers. >> a safety feature for the boeing 737 max jet liners may be just days away to help prevent the troubles that led to those crashes. an additional warning light will now become standard equipment on all planes. the light will let pilots know when two sensors that gauge whether the plane's nose is pointed up or down are in disagreement. the warning light had been
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optional but will now be standard. >> previously, it was a pricey add-on feature, but it appears those ethiopian and lion airline pilots didn't have the warning because the airlines would have had to pay on it on a plane that has a list price of about $120 million. >> trevor: are you serious? the reason pilots didn't know they were going to crash was because the planes didn't have a warning light and didn't have a warning light because boeing was charging extra for it? a warning? doesn't seem like that should be allowed. features that keeps plane in the sky should be standard. this is like cbs selling donned ms but charge extra for the ones without holes. ( laughter ) also, if you're an airline and you can't afford a safety light, get creative, people! airlines are already filled with lights you don't need. make the no-smoke light the safety light instead. we don't need that light. we all know you can't smoke on a plane. it's not 1962 anymore.
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no one needs the light! what are you doing with it? you can't afford it? and if you still need to save money, maybe get rid of the in-flight magazines. there's no point learning about anne hathaway's favorite sushi spots in boston if the plane never makes it to boston! ( laughter ) finally in international news, a new scandal shaking the catholic church. >> a lot of catholics see kissing the pope's ring as a tradition in the church, if you're lucky enough to meet him. but appears pope francis isn't keen on the idea. the pope kept ripping his hand away as people puckered up yesterday. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i don't even know what this is. first of all, i'm impressed at how quick he is, like every
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single time. and secondly it's a nice change to have pace to see a priest not want to touch people. this is nice. this is dope! yeah. ( audience reacts ) now, apparently, they say the pope is refusing to let people kiss his ring because he wants to be humble, he doesn't want to be praised like that. but the way he yanks his hand away makes it seem like the people are super gross. ew, no! not you! ( laughter ) pope francis has quick reflexes. like a video game where you have to try and kiss the hope. ( laughter ) ( video music ) ( laughter ) ( applause ) oh, man! all right. let's move on to today's top
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story. ( cheers and applause ) robert mueller. over the weekend, the special counsel and resistance heartbreaker handed in his long-awaited report on president trump. but because it hasn't been made public yet, everything we know about the report is from a four-page summary written by william barr. now, william barr is trump's attorney general and a boring john goodman. ( laughter ) but many democrats are saying they're not happy with just the tip. they want the full thing. >> the calls are growing loud torre lease the entire mueller report. in a letter to attorney general bill barr overnight, six house committee chairs demanding barr release the full findings to congress no later than april 2. >> robert mueller, i think he should sit before a judiciary committee in the senate and go as well to the house. >> it is absolutely imperative that the trump administration make that report public as soon as possible. ( cheers and applause )
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>> trevor: hey, bernie, loving the hat! ( laughter ) this is really interesting, right? trump gets accused of colluding but now robert mueller has to spend the rest of his life in hearings. i feel like this always happens with donald trump. everything goes in his favor in a weird way, like mueller investigates him, trump gets off and now mueller has a lifetime of testifying. stormy daniels sues him but ends up having to pay trump money. i feel like if melania ever divorces trump, somehow she'll have to pay alimony. it will be like, every month i must buy 100 hamburgers. this is not best. ( laughter ) i can understand why the democrats want the entire report made public because the attorney general who summarized mueller's report is trump's guy. they don't just want to take his word for what the report says. makes sense. like asking michael jackson's lawyers to recap the documentary. uh, it was mostly about how much he loved his fans, uh, a lot. yeah, that's it.
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( laughter ) so for the democrats, this is just the beginning. but as far as trump is concerned, this ends the saddest chapter in american history. >> when asked by a reporter if mueller acted honorably, mr. trump responding, yes, even while blasting the investigation itself. >> it was a false narrative. it was a terrible thing. we can never let this happen to another president again. >> trevor: which is why i won't allow america to have another president ever again, folks. i can't allow it. no more. no more. ( applause ) by the way, have you ever noticed that trump is terrible at comforting victims unless it's him? because you never hear this level of compassion for trump about, like, puerto rico. when that happens, he's, like, here's one paper towel go, long! but when it's him, he's like, the mueller investigation was a terrible thing. we're gonna do everything we can to get me back on my feet.
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( laughter ) oh, and over at trump tv, they will agree that this was a terrible, terrible thing, and they want revenge. >> you would like to believe people who did this would be held accountable. they hurt our country, distorted foreign policy and terrified the population. they should be punished. >> we're going to expose the ring leaders of defamation, the purvey yores of political smears, all who have proven themselves to be untrustworthy and deeply unpatriotic of letting their fanatical hatred of this president override what is best to the american people. >> my promise to this country from this night forward is we will hold every liar, every propagandist, every conspiracy theorist accountable. this will likely take months and maybe longer. >> trevor: whoa, whoa, sean hannity, pump the breaks! if you got riled of all the conspiracy theorist,
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propagandist and liars, fox news would be a bunch of empty couches and a sexual harassment settlement! ( cheering ) ( applause ) slow down! -slow down! i'm not saying no one on the left got the collusion thing wrong, but these people -- these people don't get to say shit about conspiracy theories and political lies. ( cheers and applause ) these people -- no, no. i mean, laura ingraham's web site suggested for years the clintons have been murdering people, tucker farlsen, and sean hannity said the d.n.c. staffer was assassinated as part of a democratic coverup. that man's family had to beg sean hannity to stop. these people in a glass mansion with a stone powered air 15, and this kind of hypocrisy isn't just coming from fox news, it's also coming from inside the white house. >> president trump's 2020 campaign now going so far as to
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send this memo to tv producers listing discrediting guests, all democrats who pushed outlandish, false collusion accusations. >> now they're making the case through both the president and the white house that those democrats should not be on tvs. >> i think democrats in the liberal media should be absolutely embarrassed by their behavior over the last two years. it's not just that they reported and spread a slanderous, malicious lie, but they hoped for the takedown of the president of the united states. >> trevor: yeah! these democrats should be ashamed! ( laughter ) they used this investigation to try and take down the president! if you want to take down the president, you do it the right way! by claiming he was born in kenya! this is disgusting! ( laughter ) and it's not just fox news and top officials looking to punish people who said trump colluded with russia. no, no, this thirst for vengeance goes all the way to the top. >> the president expressed vindication and vindictiveness
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against those who investigated him. >> there are a lot of people out there that have done some very, very evil things, very bad things, i would say tree treasos things against our country. those people will certainly be looked at. >> trevor: wow, this is treasonous, and those people will certainly be looked at? aka, we're going to come after them? whew, this president's not playing games. this is why i feel like trump is lucky he talks like a toddler, all right? no, because it makes his threats easier to dismiss, you know, because of how he speaks. bad people, so bad, gonna smash them. ( laughter ) and then everyone is, like, aw, someone's cranky! ( laughter ) but you realize if he spoke like an adult and held a glass of wine in his hand, i bet a lot more people would be afraid if he came out and was, like, i consider these actions treasonous and, mark my words, these people will be looked
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we invite you to more than an exceptionally crafted vehicle. we invite you to an exceptionally crafted experience. this is the invitation to lexus sales event, with generous offers now through march 31st. experience amazing at your lexus dealer. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." everyone out there in the world is trying their hardest. but sometimes people (~bleep ) up. ( laughter ) and when they do, we've got to call them out because how else are they going to learn? that brings us to our brand-new segment "you done (~bleep ) up."
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( cheers and applause ) first up, cruise ships. usually, they're a fun, easy way to take a vacation, and maybe have a threesome with an elderly couple who want to spice up their marriage. i'll never forget you, helen and howard. ( laughter ) but, unfortunately, for some vacationers last week, their cruise ended in disaster because viking cruises, you done (~bleep ) up. >> investigating why a cruise ship carrying more than 1300 people set sail despite storm warnings. the viking sky encountered engine trouble, lost power and issued a may day call saturday. anchored off the norwegian coast in heavy winds and high waves to avoid drifting on to the rocks. many passengers were rescued by helicopter. ( crashing sounds ) >> trevor: okay, that is insane. not the ship part. the fact the person holding the camera is steady while
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everything else is flying around. how are you doing that? everything else is shaking! and you know this is something i've noticed. you see all the time in disasters, everything else will be in chaos but the person holding the camera is perfectly skill. almost like film ago disaster on your gone gives you superpowers. the wind is shaking and you're, like, must go viral! ( laughter ) on a serious note, though, just being on that boat must have been terrifying. i imagine even the somali pirates are, like, look at me! you are the captain, now! i'm out! i can't do this, huh? ( laughter ) seriously, that video makes me never want to go on a boat ever again, but, i mean, i'm from africa so i have been skeptical about boats from the beginning. they said that cruise was all inclusive, too. ( laughter ) but enough of the high seas. let's go to outer space, nasa. in the past, they took a giant leap for mankind, but this week
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when it comes to women, n.a.s.a., you done (~bleep ) up. >> apparently gender inequality knows no bounds, not even in space. n.a.s.a.'s first all female spacewalk had to be canceled because there weren't enough spacesuits that fit. the crew only has one medium sized space cute available at the international space station, this despite the fact the women's 2013 astronaut class was 50% female. >> trevor: seriously? n.a.s.a. had to cancel the first all-female spacewalk because they didn't pack enough spacesuits? how do you screw that up? you know how many astronauts are on the shuttle! it's not like you can have a surprise extra astronaut. like, oh, shit! we only planned for four astronauts, but then susan wanted to come! ( laughter ) no, it would be great if she opened her suitcase on the ship and found her husband's business suit and he was, like, wait, if i've got his suit then that means -- no!
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( applause ) so that was the u.s. but america doesn't have a monopoly on screwing things up. just look at the british healthcare system. yes, you guys might have universal coverage for all your citizens, but for one patient, you done (~bleep ) up. >> a man has been mistakenly circumcised while under the care of lester's hospitals according to a new report. the patient was meant to have a procedure to look inside his belatedder using a thin camera. the error was revealed in compiling so-called never events because they should never happen. >> trevor: oh, my word! a patient was accidentally circumcised? that is messed up. have you ever gone to the barber and they took a little too much off your hair? remember how you freaked out? yeah? now imagine if that happened to your dick, huh? imagine because you can't wear a
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hat on your dick to cover it up. yeah, you can't be, like, sorry, it's just so bright out today, the sun gets in my dick's eyes, yeah. ( laughter ) accidentally circumcised? now i'm worried they switched other charts, like so someone else in the hospital went home with an extra foreskin. i thought you were just getting botox! that's what i thought, too! ( laughter ) and it's not just britain's health service having issues, it's also one of their airline companies because british airways, you guys can say it with me, you done (~bleep ) up! >> a british airways flight headed for germany mistakenly ended up in scotland. ba3271 supposed to fly from london straight over to the english channel on to germany. instead the plane took off to the north, flew over most of england before crossing into scotland and landing in edinboro. the problem a ground staffer typed the wrong airport code into the flight plan and no one
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noticed. the pilots assumed they were supposed to go to edinboro. >> trevor: no, british airways was trying to fly to germany and flew to scotland instead? brexit is screwed. i don't know how print is going to leave europe if they can't even find their way out of their own country. brexit is, like, we are dead it! no, wait, we're still in the e.u., and now somehow also have joined the wmba! ( laughter ) that's crazy. if you think about it, scottish air is the german of english. they're probably, like, 'em in germany! they're like, no, i'm not in germany! i'm sorry, sir, i don't speak english.
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( thick accent) >> i can't believe british airways landed in the i don't think country! -- in the wrong country, and the worst part is everyone on board got accidentally circumcised! that's all the time we've got. join us next week to find out who done (~bleep ) up! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause )
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speed you can trust. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a grammy-nominated, platinum-selling recording artist known as logic.
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he's also an author whose debut novel is called "supermarket." please welcome bobby hall! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ welcome to the show. >> thank you. this is pretty surreal. this is so weird. >> trevor: why is this so weird? >> i'm freaking out. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i should be the one freaking out. do you know how many people i know and people who are fans of the show the show and they're, like, you're not a show till you get logic on! >> get out of here. >> trevor: no, you've cultivated a fan base like very few artists have. many people feel they still own you. you have a vibe of being commercial yet authentic in the way you started. you feel the love from your fans when you do a show, right? >> 100%. it gives me driven and going. it's incredible to know. i've always come up on peace, love, positivity, spreading a good message, being your self and authentic.
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i'm a super nerd. i love movies and comic books so my ascension in hip-hop wasn't necessarily that easy. >> trevor: yes. >> but persevered and stuck to it and to know i have incredible fans that are, like, hey, i'm a nerd, too, i like your raps and i put out books they enjoy, it's an incredible experience. >> trevor: this book is completely different. this is not just a book about your life. it's a novel. >> yeah. but there are point to have the story where i felt like this story touched a little bit on who you are as a person, him questioning who he is there the world, how he fits in, how the world affects him as a person. did you see yourself in the character? >> 100%. i see myself in, you know, so many of the characters there. even family members and, you know, kind of basing different people off of them. but for me, i was, like, in the -- just the midst of battling my own anxiety and overcoming depression and actually being able to look in the mirror and say, okay, just because you have anxiety doesn't mean it's, like, the end of the world. and i think sometimes we try to
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suppress those things because we want to be normal or xyz, but you've got to be able to say how you feel because i think if you try to tuck it deep down, it's only going to do you harm. so being able to write about my angst and what i was going through in my life. >> trevor: right. >> through the perspective of this character, it allowed me to heal. it's weird, i won't get into it. but there are two sections, two parts to have the books and from the beginning half to the second half, there's a two-year break in between. and i actually took a two-year break from writing the book in my own life. when i wrote the first half, felt crippled with anxiety, wasn't taking care of myself. now i've switched that up, eating well, exercising, drinking water, staying hydrated, a little scotch -- ( laughter ) -- and the second half was my own awakening of realizing take care of yourself gerkts over it. you don't have to search for acceptance or act in a certain way so people will love you. you should love yourself and everyone else will follow.
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>> trevor: you have a really beautiful acknowledgment in the back of the book where you thank everyone in your life, everyone who helped you put this together, and then you thank your publishers and you say to them thank you for giving an opportunity to a kid who didn't even finish high school, letting him write a book. but the reason you didn't finish high school is one i think a lot of kids and a lot of older people can relate to and that is you lived a really tough life. you know, you grew up in a world where you saw drugs ravaging your family. >> yeah. >> trevor: you saw your siblings selling drugs, even within your family. when you look at that world, what do you think was the biggest factor that got you to where you are today? >> i would say, like, god and common sense. in some weird way when i would see a man beat my mother, i would be, like, that's not what to do. you know what i mean. >> trevor: right. >> i would see my dad smoke crack when i was a child and be, like, that's not how you treat your body. now he's clean. i wanted more. i wanted to do it in a creative way. i love hip-hop, nas,
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wu-tang clan, these are people i came up on, people who in a way raised me. because even though i had my mom and dad, i was born out of wedlock, my father wasn't a part of my life and it was hard seeing my mother struggle and her dealing with bipolar disorder and all these things, it was wild, but i just saw it all and was, like, okay, don't do that. ( laughter ) you know what i'm saying? don't smoke crack. like, seriously. and it's been a journey. but it still is, man. every day is, like, a struggle, but it's a beautiful -- it's a beautiful struggle. it's life, man. there's no, you know, what's the sunshine without rain. >> trevor: one thing i've always appreciated you -- about you is -- ( laughter ) ( applause ) one thing i've always appreciated about you is how honest you are not just in your rap music but also just as a human being. the novel is fantastic. >> thank you. >> trevor: i'm waiting to see what you come up with next. >> appreciate it. >> trevor: congratulations. thank you so much for being
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here. "supermarket" is available now. logic aka bobby hall, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ you've tried moisturizer after moisturizer
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. thank you for tuning in. back tomorrow. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> many of you since yesterday have been writing me and you want me to spike the football tonight. i am not in any type of celebratory mood here tonight. ( tick tock, tick tock ) >> football's back, let not your heart be troubled. the news continues. ingraham is next! ♪ tosh.0 features videos from the internet. comedy central does not condone the activities. enjoy. oh my

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