look at that. i'm jim halpert. spot on. blah, blah, a little comment. yeah. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! and thank you for coming out! wow! wow! yeah! all right, let's do it, let's do it, let's get into the show! let's get into it. i'm your host trevor noah. our guest tonight is a democratic congressman from brooklyn, new york, hakeem jeffries is joining us, everyone! ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, joe

biden may have lost the election, why george clooney is even more perfect and trump is now at war with four mexicos. first, let's catch up on today's headlines. ♪ el chapo guzman, the world's most notorious drug kingpin and mexican baked potato. prison may have put an end to his cartel days but now he has a new career that's more fabulous. >> el chapo is breaking out. the drug kingpin's name will appear on a new line of clothing created by his wife. joaquín (el chapo) guzmán who once ran a huge drug cartel in mexico signed a contract granting the clothing company the right to use its name on its pieces to launch this summer. >> trevor: el chapo is starting a clothing line which makes no sense. i want to wear el chapo jeans like i want to smoke tommy

hilfiger crack. stay in your lane. why would a clothing brand want to work with him? i never looked at him like, style icon! ( laughter ) he's going to use the drug mules as clothing importers as well. juan, i need you to take these pair of large khakis and smuggle them in your ass and drop them off at t.j. maxx. won't they be suspicious? no, it's t.j. maxx, man, ass khakis are the nicest thing in the store. ( laughter ) george clooney is stepping into an exciting new role. >> george clooney is calling for a boycott of nine luxury hotels including the beverly hills hotel and hotel bellaire, long time playgrounds for the rich and famous, owned by the sultan of bernai, who will enforce harsh laws including death by stoning as punishment or gay sex

and adultery. clooney writes, are we really going to help pay for these human rights violations? this is what i always liked about george cluney, doesn't just have a perfect smile, chiseled jaw line, perfect distribution of hair with salt and pepper and a voice that makes you feel like you're the only person in the room -- oh, yes, human rights violations in bernai. i am glad he brought attention to the plight of the lgbt in bernai and is heading the boycott, don't stay at these $5,000 a night hotels! count me in! honey, i was going to back the beverly hills hotel but george clooney said embassy sweets! ( laughter ) i feel people have taken the graham too far. >> the auschwitz memorial

tweeted four photos of people using the train tracks as balance beevment they wrote, when you come to auschwitz museum, remember, you are at the site where over 1 million people were killed. respect their memory. there are better places to learn how to walk on a balance beam. >> trevor: this is so disrespectful. like -- what is it about cameras that make people forget how to act? we become stupid whenever someone holds that thing up. someone's holding a baby, they're fine and they see a camera and they're, like, let me dangle this baby over a ledge! i'm talking about rafiqy. i'm not over that shit, rafiqy! he's the king of the jungle not a damn basketball! moving on to the main story. with 581 days till the presidential election, the democratic field has grown to 16 people, which is the highest it's ever been. look at how many candidates are running. look at all of those faces, huh? ( laughter )

but before one lucky democrat gets to take on trump, they first have to take on themselves. so let's catch up on the latest in the democratic race with another edition of world war d. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ of all the candidates in the race, the frontrunner right now is someone who isn't even running yet, the 76-year-old man with the 12-year-old teeth, joe biden. now, currently, the former vice president is putting out feelers to see where he stands and apparently the answer is too close to. >> we joe biden on defense after a former nevada state lawmaker said he made her feel uneasy during an interaction in 2014. lucy flores first made the allegation in the essay for the cut on friday, detailing the encounter with the former vice president at a campaign rally in nevada as she ran for lieutenant governor.

>> flores dues not believe it was sexual but calls it inappropriate. >> very unexpectedly and out of nowhere, i feel joe biden put his hands on my shoulders, get up very close to me from behind, lean in, smell my hair, and then plant a slow kiss on the top of my head. >> trevor: okay. that sounded super creepy. and even though she says i it wasn't sexual at all, it clearly made her uncomfortable, and it's definitely not okay. i mean, smelling hair is always weird. all right? i don't care who it is. even if you're in a relationship. if you smell your girlfriend's hair, she won't say anything but in her head she'll be, like, is he a serial killer? ( laughter ) honestly, smelling hair is one of the creepiest things you can do. it's on the list of creepy things, right after collecting doll parts and sneezing with our eyes open -- ha choo! ( laughter )

sorry, allergies. this is my thing, what is it with america's vice presidents? one guy is smelling women's hair, the other one refuses to be near a woman without a chaperone. isn't there a middle ground? there is no vice middle president, no one between #metoo and hand made sale? no one in between. not just the hair sniffing. biden also gave her a slow kiss on the top of her head which, again, is super creepy, all right? as rule of life, the slower the kiss, the creepier it gets. quick. slow kissing is where it gets weird. see that? yeah. super creepy. all the slow ones are creepy. all then doing the slow kiss, don't do that to women you don't know, that includes you maury hardwick, kissing beyonce slowly. don't kiss beyonce like that. get in, get out, don't linger!

whenever i see beyonce, i go muah, muah, do that at home. when i see her in public, i'm like, hi, beyonce, hi! you have no business kissing her! ( applause ) and if joe biden's story wasn't beard enough, just today another woman came out and said bind made her feel uncomfortable as well. >> there is now another woman making an accusation that former vice president joe biden inappropriately touched her, not sexually or violently but in her view inappropriately. a hartford newspaper reports at a 2000 fundraiser, amy lappo says the vice president put his hands on her neck and pulled her in and rubbed noses and she was afraid he was going to kiss her. >> trevor: rubbing noses? curlture appropriation? what is he doing? people online are saying it's just a nose. what's the big deal? first of all, an invasion of

personal space, and secondly the nose is the penis of the face. it totally is. sticks out in weird ways, gooey stuff inside that gets shot into the tissue, when you're young your mom can touch it but when you're older, it's super weird. i have been touching it your whole life, but it's weird, mom, now. it's weird! ( laughter ) if rubbing noses was biden being cute and a harmless grand parks how come he doesn't do it with men. bidened spent eight years with obama and not once did he say, congrats on passing obamacare, muah! ( laughter ) so now because of sniff-dissgate biden's campaign might be over before it starts. people are freaking out because if he doesn't run, the democrats will only have 16 candidates to choose from and only six white guys, an absolute disaster!

( laughter ) biden isn't ready to give up. he's gently grabbing this scanned fill shoulders and doing dooming control. >> biden issued a statement saying in my many years on the campaign trail and public life i have offered countless hand shakes, hugs, expressions of affection, support, comfort an not once did i believe i acted inappropriately. if suggested i kids so, i will listen respectfully, but it was never my intention. >> trevor: you know what? i've got to say that seems like a nice apology because basically biden is saying, look, i didn't mean to make these women uncomfortable, but i am willing to listen. i'm going to listen real close. ( laughter ) going to lean in there nice and close, maybe just get a sniff of -- bad biden! get away, biden! ( laughter ) now, the truth is nobody's really surprised by these stories because, unfortunately, biden has been going this kind of thing out in the open for his

entire 200-year political career. >> questions have been raised in the past about biden's behavior around women. >> he was dubbed america's creepy uncle and a walking h.r. violation. ( laughter ) >> viebt joe biden ended up with a woman from a biker group on his lap. as two biker dudes watched. biden reportedly told her, quote, i know who runs this show. ( laughter ) >> trevor: wow. check out the looks on those guys' faces. huh? look at this dude's face over here. you see that? if you can make a biker gang uncomfortable, you crossed the line, my friend! ( laughter ) but, according to, biden, being hands-on is what makes him a good politician. in fact, here's what he was

saying just a couple of weeks ago. >> i'm a tack tile politician. i always have been. that's what gets me in trouble as well. ( laughter ) but i think i can feel and taste what's going on. >> trevor: taste?! taste?! we're tating now, too?! who writes this guy's speeches, hannibal lector? i have been all across this great country and let me tell you there's no one more delicious than iowans -- (slurping). taste?! while some are speaking out against joe biden's unwelcomed nose jobs, others are saying his affection was as innocent as he intended. biden getting support from stephanie carter wife of obama former defense secretary ash cart. she writes this shoulder rub from her husband's swearing in was a show of support from close

friends, not inappropriate touching. >> trevor: that's surprising because everyone saw this photo of joe biden going on a scalp safari and assumed he made this woman extremely uncomfortable, but turns out she saw nothing wrong with it, just a friend comforting her on a special day, also checking her for lies. ( laughter ) it's clear joe biden needs to be more careful about which women are participants in his follicle diving and which are not. ( laughter ) for all the women not on board and worried about joe biden in their world, we invented a product to keep creepy biden away. >> i was so excited to attend the fundraiser for my favorite charity, but then i found out joe biden was going to be there. ♪ >> what if he tried to smell my hair? i was about to cancel but then my friend told me about get away from my head and shoulders.

>> get away from my head and shoulders coats your follicles in a moisturizing blend of rotten eggs, dead fish and toilet water, guaranteed to repel anyone from vice presidents and anyone else in a 10-yard radius so you can look good and smell bad. >> the vice president barely shook my hand. thanks get away from my head and shoulders. >> also available in close-talking co-worker. scwhrmpleght( cheers and applau) >> trevor: desi lydic, everybody. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) i switched to verizon because i was tired of having my calls dropped. i had friends that were next to me and they weren't having these issues and they said like, "you need to switch!" and then i'd heard that i could get apple music if i switched over and i said, "boom!"

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." let's talk about the southern bored. it's trump's greatest challenge since that six' piece jigsaw puzzle. you see he swallowed two of the pieces so he never stood a chance. trump has made the southern border his mission, and he said he's going to fix the border, but ironically, his policies have only exacerbated the backlog and this past weekend it may have reached its worst point yet. >> crisis at the border. custom and border officials say they are overwhelmed and over capacity. >> the immigration system is past the breaking point because to have the surge of families from central america asksphor asylum. >> last month for than 75,000

people were apprehendenned, the highest in over a decade. citers citercirntleen neilson se seeing a multi-down. >> a spike in migrants such that last week officials were forced to house some under this border bridge. they've been moved to another facility now. >> trevor: wow, there were so many migrants that they had to be kept under a bridge. that is messed up. because there's no place worse than under a bridge. the bridge's under part makes everything sadder. birthday party fun. birthday party under a bridge, sad. marriage proposal, romantic. marriage proposal under a bridge, opening of "law and order" s.v.u. the reason so many migrants are coming up is home countries are plagued by violence and people don't have money. trump decided to help them out

by getting rid of their money problems once and for all. >> he announced yesterday and the state department confirmed that we will be cutting aid payments to el salvador, guatemala and honduras over the fact that those countries have been unable to contain the flood of migrants heading through mexico to our southern border. >> trevor: all right, now, first of all, did fox news label el salvador, honduras and guatemala as three mexican countries? that's what it says there. that must have been terrifying for people who watch fox news -- honey, the mex koas are multiplying! lock the doors! ( laughter ) and here is the thing with cutting funding, trump's own administration has said that without aid to these countries the migrant problem could become worse for america. it's egg like when my apartment had a mouse problem, i thought i could fix it by bringing in a bunch of stray cats, but then i had a cat problem so i got a

bunch of coyotes. long store short, now i run a giraffe fighting ring. it doesn't work! for the people who are worried trump will only increase the number of migrants, the president already has a solution for that. he's going to slap a close sign at the bottom of america. >> president trump threatening to shut down the border as early as this week if he doesn't get what he wants. >> we have two big caravans coming up from guatemala, massive caravans. now they're going to stop them. if they don't stop them, we're closing the border. they will close it, and we'll keep it close foard long time. i'm not playing games. >> why does trump sound like a donald trump guy who's going to fight mexico in a park lot. don't try me! aaahhh! if you're wondering where trump got the idea to close the southern bored it's probably something he took from his personal life. last month melania shut down her

southern border and it worked, folks, now i wash both my hands before i eat. ( laughter ) now, in case you're wondering, shutting down the u.s.-mexico border wouldn't just hurt the hombres down south. there would also be more painful consequences in the u.s. because economists warned a closed border could affect 5 million american jobs and over $600 billion in trade. yeah. and if you think a border shutdown won't affect you bays you don't live or work around the border, might want to think again. >> the u.s. would run out of avocados in three weeks if president trump shuts down the border with mexico. >> trevor: do you hear that? ( laughter ) hear that? that's the sound of goinga moms all over america freaking out right now. where will i get my healthy fats?! ( laughter ) so once again, donald trump has shown there's no problem he can't make twice as bad. because you realize if white

people can't get avocados in america, they're going to start fleeing to mexico, and now there's going to be a crisis on both sides to have the border. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) what if i introduce you to my fami♪ now? primo! what if i have a cousin in the big city? what if we go visit my cousin that lives off the grid? ♪ wow! introducing the hybrid that will shatter perceptions. the all-new built for speed rav4 hybrid. toyota. let's go places. ♪ ♪

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight represents parts of brooklyn and queens in the house of representatives as chair of the democratic caucus, the fifth highest ranking democrat in the house. please welcome congressman hakeem jeffries! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ welcome to the show. >> great to be here. >> trevor: so cool. you're just down the road. you just pop up. this is nice. >> yeah. >> trevor: let's talk about what the democrats are dealing with these days, the mueller report that came out. attorney general barr says it proves no collusion, but the democrats are saying you want to see the full report. do you believe that there's something else in the report that will further suspicions about trump or is it just about being open with the public?

>> well, i think first and foremost, transparency is important in terms of openness as relates to the government. 420 members of house of representatives voted to release the report, zero voted against it. more than 80% of the american people have said we should see the report. the president himself said we should see the report. so transparency in a democracy is critical and it wants not clear to me what the president is hiding in terms of the failure to release it to date. we'll see what happens on april 2 knowledge terms of what the attorney general does. >> trevor: i guess the argument from the attorney general's side has been, you know, we have to redact the report because there are certain, you know, sensitive pieces of information that should not be out, and they're worried about people leaking that information. there has been polling that's come out to suggest that most americans do not care about donald trump and the russians. most americans care about paying off student loans. most americans care about medical bills, about healthcare, most americans care about safety

in their homes. is the messaging of the democrats going into 2020 going to be just trump and russia or is there a plan of what to do if you assume office? >> well, we're going to continue to focus on our "for the people" agenda. when we were communicating with the american people in advance of the midterm elections, we didn't talk about russia, we didn't talk about impeachment, we didn't talk about collusion or obstruction of justice, we talked about lowering healthcare costs, protecting people with pre-existing conditions, strengthen the affordable care act, enacting a real infrastructure plan and cleaning up corruption in the era of citizens united so we can get unregulated money out of politics and in the era of voter suppression once and for off the that's the conversation we had with the american people, so now that we're in the majority, that's what we're going to focus on. but we are a separate and co-equal branch of government. we don't work for donald trump, we work for the american people. so we do have a constitutional

responsibility to serve as a check and balance on an out-of-control executive branch. we will try to find common ground with the trump administration to get things done on behalf of the american people. house democrats will never bend the knee to donald j. trump, the first of his name, because this is a democracy, it's not a monarchy. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's dope, beyond j. trump, the first of his name. sounds like "game of thrones." pretty cool. he's probably going to take, the first of my name -- (trump accent). ( laughter ) >> trevor: it's interesting you say we will work with trump. many people feel that's rhetoric. but you have been working with the trump administration, jared kushner specifically, on criminal justice reform. many people felt kushner's role in the administration is murky

at best, but from your perspective, seems like a genuine effort to work on the way america treats those incarcerated. >> we have a mass incarceration in the united states of america. when the failed war on drugs first started in 1971, there were less than 350,000 people incarcerated in america. today we have 2.2 million, disproportionately black and latin o approximately half nonviolent drug offenders. we incarcerate more people in the united states of america than any other country in the world. it's a stain on our democratic society. so we concluded working with kushner who expressed an authentic interest in this issue last year, that democrats and republicans should work together to strike a blow against mass incarceration, and we were able to negotiate the first step act to help currently incarcerated individuals successfully transition back into society, make sure they had the skills,

the training, the education, the substancsubstance abuse treatmee mental health counseling to successfully become productive citizens, reduce residivism, save tax player dollars and roll back draconian sentencing seems that have devastated communities. it was a first but meaningful step, a coalition of the usual suspects, left, right, democrats, republicans, progressives, con tervets, the aclu and koch brothers and, on december 21st of last year, donald trump signed the bill into law. >> trevor: that's impressive. i'm not going to lie. ( applause ) one more question before you. go seems like a lot of the more high profile democrats now are coming from a few specifics places in and around new york. seems like the boroughs are represented. do you think there's something about the the boroughs giving

you an edge? >> i hate to put a buggy down on bronx but we keep it real in brooklyn as well. >> trevor: thank you so much! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ sun care is self care. i used to not love wearing an spf just because i felt like it was so oily and greasy. but with olay regenerist whip spf 25, it's so lightweight. i love it. i'm busy philipps, and i'm fearless to face anything.

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♪ ♪ creating the perfect night... just takes a little creativity. the light beer you've been waiting for has arrived. lower carbs. lower calories. higher expectations. corona premier. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. thanks for tuning in. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> nipsey says businesses are only part of the change. for true change, he's starting with kids at 54th street

elementary. he hired a local artist to help spruce up this basketball court. >> and i see on tin side it's got safety, respect, friendship, kindness, community, principles. >> yes, principles to live by. it's about offering a new identity, you know. it is -- it's not weak to be strong. it ain't weak to make smart moves. [ cheers and applause ] hello! welcome to "the jim jefferies show." and guess what we're not talking about tonight. the mueller report! i can't believe he wasted two years writing a report. he should have just beaten up a nerd and got him to do it like i did in school. anyway, i'm not going to read the mueller report. just someone tell me which mueller the best gas mileage, and i'll get that one. let's start the show.