tv The Daily Show Comedy Central April 12, 2019 1:38am-2:15am PDT
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lives. - yeah, come on, we can do this, guys. - you are the true dreamers. tomorrow you will prove it. we will begin by reviewing how to print out cheat sheets as labels for your bottled water. - [sobbing] you did this to yourself, garrison. get your hopes up with a stupid genetic experiment and now all your money's gone along with your penis. [mouse squeaking] what the... why... it's my penis. my penis came back. but why? [mouse squeaking] i guess it's true. what's that old saying? if you love your penis, let it go.
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- the standardized advanced-placement test is considered one of the most difficult and carefully monitored tests in the country. 24 of our students took the test and all 24 scored 100%! [applause] - uh, can we say something? - sure. - we would like to present this plaque to the person who taught us "the white people method," mr. cartmanez. [applause] [camera clicking] - i reeeeched these keeeeeeeds. - students and faculty, please put your hands together and help me in welcoming back mr. garrison.
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- thanks, everyone. it's great to be back. i'm a man again... thanks to my very special new friend. [mouse squeaking] but you know, i've learned that i've really been a dude all along, because the key difference between men and women is that women can have babies. if you can't have babies, then you're a man. - whoa, uh, wait. hang on a second. my wife had ovarian cancer, so she can't have babies. - well, then get an aids test, thompson, 'cause your wife's a dude, faggot. yeah, i'm back! [mouse squeaking] captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. i'm trevor noah. thank you so much for tuning in. thank you for coming out. let's do it. let's mach a show. our guest tonight is a phenomenal musician who you're going to love. she has a brand new album called "cuz i love you." lizzo is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) also coming up on tonight's show, aunt becky is if even more trouble. there's #metoo panic on wall street, and julian assange is wiki locked up. so let's catch up on today's headlines. when you think of africa, what's the first thing that comes to
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mind? it's probably wakanda. ( laughter ) handsome talk show host-- why, thank you. or ruthless dictators. now, wakanda and the talk show host aren't going anywhere-- thank god. but the dictators are on their way out. >> breaking news, in just the last few minutes, word that the president of sudan has stepped down. >> omar al-bashir ousted by the army as part of a popular uprising. the army has dissolved the government, declared a state of emergency for three months. >> after three decades in power, multiple sources telling us president omar al-bashir has resigned. he is under house arrest. >> trevor: this is major news, people. sudan's dick tairpt of 30 years has been kicked out of power. i like how he's saying she's stepping down. no, no, no, my friend. let me put it this way-- when thousands of people with guns come to your palace, you don't get to make it sound like it was your decision to leave. upon like the mob was rushing
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the palace gates and he says, "before you say anything, i want you to know i have chosen to step down. now what were you gog say?" ( laughter ) and, also, just another thing-- i don't think it's fair to give dictators house arrest, all right. because have you seen this guy's house, right? look at this. so he pill annuals the country to build a palace, and the punishment is he has to live in it. that's not a rest. that's a stay-ication. in my opinion, they should give the sudanese people that house and let the dictator live in the rest of the country that she destroyed. that's what the punishment should be. not live in the palace. oh, and you know, this is honestly one of my favorite parts of the story, is that it was really the women of sudan who are driving the protest movement, right. ( cheers and applause ) people were calling them-- yeah. people were calling them kandaka, the queens. and i was thinking to myself, how cool would it be if sudan replaced this male dictator way woman dictator, yeah, yeah!
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( applause ) maybe not dictator, but, yeah. so i will say, this is an exciting time for the african continent, right. you have the dictator of sudan who is out. the dictator of algeria was just deposed. and something tells me that guy's scar is not going to make it to the end of the movie. i don't know why, but i got a feeling. i got a good feeling fooelg. but let's move on from international news to a story closer to home. while time is up for african dictators the college scam parentses are just about to start doing their. >> actresses can laugh and her husband mossimo giannulli could face up to 40 years in prison in the college admissions scandal. >> "e news" is reporting she thought prosecutors were bluffing about jail time when she and her husband turned down the initial offer. >> trevor: you can't be serious. aunt becky turned down a plea dee because she thought the prosecutors were bluffing. that's what happens when you are in hollywood for too long. you assume everyone around youa
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suls acting. "wow, these prison bars feel so real. now, for the beat-down scene, are we using a stunt double? is that what's going to happen?" i know why she thought they were bluffing, law enforcement has a great sense of humor, pulling pranks, stop, or we'll shoot!" and when the person stops, they shoot by. it's hilarious. as is stands lori loughlin could face up to 40 years in prison, yeah, which, let's be honest, is a story nobody could have predicted. for two years everyone has been like, "trump's going to go down. trump's going down!" and the universe is like, look "look, i can't give you trump, but i can give you aunt becky and one deps "desperate housewife." yes, yes?" ( applause ) and speaking of celebrities and the law, if aunt becky is looking for a lawyer who understands her needs as a famous person, i know just who to call. >> jamal khashoggi's new provegz. the reality star looking to
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become a lawyer. >> as of last summer, kim had enrolled in a newshour-yearlong apprenticeship at a san francisco law firm in order to prepare for the bar exam. currently she is studying 18 years a week under two practicing attorneys. >> i was like, if there wasn't the long college process, i would be an attorney. but i just-- i researched that in the state of california, i could assist an attorney for three years, and just take the bar. >> trevor: now, that's who i want as my lawyer. ( laughter ) yeah. i want the lawyer who goes, "god, if this wasn't so hard, then i wouldn't have done it." she's going to be packing up her papers at the end of the trial like, i'm sorry, if the other side wasn't so prepared, you would so be acquitted." ( laughter ) but i will say this-- i do think it's admirable that kim kardashian wants to become a lawyer, right, as part of her jurno criminal justice reform. and honestly, i believe in her, because there's nothing you
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cannot achieve when you really, really want to avoid talking to your husband. just like, "hey, kim, i discovered a new form of energy in my mind!" she's like, "i'm studying for the next four years!" let's move on to today's top story. ( cheers and applause ) wikileaks-- for 12 years, this rogue organization gained notoriety for revealing the secrets of governments around the world. they released the hacked d.n.c. emails in the 2016 election. they exposed pope benedict for impeding investigations into abuse by priests. and they revealed that kim jong-un had a secret neck-removal surgery. so for a decade-- ( laughter ) governments of the world have tried to shut wikileaks down. and today, julian assange, the head of wikileaks and draco malfoy's biological father, has finally been arrested. >> after an almost-seven-year standoff, holding international law enforcement at bay,
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wikileaks founder julian assange is under arrest. police in london took assange into custody this morning, taking him from the embassy of ecuador, where he's been under protection for years. >> julian assange, now with a beard, carried out of the ecuadorian embassy by london's metropolitan police. >> trevor: oh, man! ( laughter ) that is-- that is one of the most embarrassing ways you could get arrested because-- because look at this. that's his head. and then those are his feet. ( laughter ) they carried him out of the embassy like he was an old couch. just like-- "watch the corners! watch the corners! come on, watch the cornerrers." by the way, what happened to assange? look at him. in just a few years he went from bond villain to crowd-suiving hobbit. but the important part story isn't how he was arrested. it's why he was arrested. >> his arrest this morning in london quickly followed by an announcement from the yuz u.s. that assange had been charged
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with conspiracy. he is accused of working with a former u.s. army intelligence analyst, chelsea manning, to hack into defense computer systems. >> they said that assange had helped chelsea manning break and crack the password to enter into u.s. government computers. >> trevor: that's right. assange is being charged by the u.s. for trying to hack into a defense department computer back in 2010. and in 2010, it was really difficult to hack the government system because the password was password1. you expected password, but the 1 threw everyone off. and you may be thinking, wait, i don't get it. if he was hacked in 2010 yis assange only being arrested now? well, you see, for the last seven years, assange has been protected by living in the ecuadorian embassy, but, apparently, ecuador has discovered that hackers make terrible houseguests. >> why was that asylum lifted overnice? >> there have been report for
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some time that assange had sort of outlived his welcome there in the embassy, for all sorts of reasons, including he was skateboarding in the hall, stealing wifi. his cat was making a mess. the ecuadorians were getting sick of having him there. >> trevor: okay, okay, we're going to come back to that "business-casual cat." ( laughter ) but the first thing i need to know is why the hell was julian assange skateboarding in the hallways of an embassy and stealing their wifi? ( laughter ) it makes him sound less like a political dissident and more like a shitty teenager. you know, like, the ecuadorians were probably pounding on his door, "julian! why is the wifi so slow? you better not be leaking documents!" and he's like, "i hate you! you're not even my real country!" ( laughter ) and as for that cat, as for that cat, the most disturbing thing about the story is now not the fact that assange allowed it to shit all over the embassy.
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no, it's that every day, he dressed that poor thing up in a tie and collar. and i'm talking an entire wardrobe, right? yeah. ( laughter ) like, if i worked in the ecuadorian embassy, that would be my sign that assange was% losing it. it would be like, "i need some tiny ties for my cat. he just got his accounting degree." you'll be like, "okay... i think it's time for you to go, buddy." and if you ever owned cats, you know that cats don't enjoy, that right. i mean, cats don't enjoy anything, but they especially don't enjoy being dressed up as people. he's not yawning in this photo. he's screaming, "help me! help!" ( laughter ) and now, because ecuador has stopped protecting assange, he's facing aunt becky levels of prison time. although, a lot of people are concerned by arresting assange, the government is creating a precedent to lock up journalists who expose government secrets in the future. >> if assange is extradited, the process will likely be lengthy. and there's going to be a lot of
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litigation on this issue of free speech, freedom of the press, as well as whether wikileaks' website really qualifies as a publisher and whether assange really is a journalist at the heart of it. >> the obama administration looked at and tried to bring charges against julian assange. they ended up deciding that they could not bring charges, simply because how do you bring charges against julian assange when you don't bring charges against "the new york times" and other news organizations that publish those very same documents, documents that were stolen and that were published by wikileaks. >> trevor: okay, this really is an interesting dilemma. on the one hand, pretty much everyone hates assange, partly because he looks like the creepy step-dad in every porno. ( laughter ) but, on the other hand, many people aren't happy about him getting arrested because they worry this could open the door to journalists getting arrested for leaking government secrets. and you know journalists getting arrested would be trump's wet dream. ( laughter ) i mean, that and the dream where
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a porn star gives him back the money because he was so good. ( laughter ) like, "wow, donald, 20 seconds! i should be paying you!" ( laughter ) so, as it stands, julian assange is in custody in britain, and everyone's waiting to see if he'll get extradited to the u.s. but the big mystery to me is it's just-- it feels like somebody-- somebody on the inside must have done something to sabotage assange, someone who he trusted, someone who had a reason to betray him and i-- i don't know. i guess we'll never know who it was. >> wikileaks founder julian assange... >> julian assange... >> the ecuadorian embassy... >> seven years... >> charged with conspiracy... >> thousands of classified documents... >> 2016 election... >> classified government documents in history... ( laughter ) ( meow ) >> trevor: we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." the #metoo movement has made sexual harassment a major topic in american politics, and in the world of entertainment. but one industry that seemingly has not been affected is wall street... until now. desi lydic investigates. >> wall street has long been thought of as a boys' club, riddled with coke-fueled steak orgies. and as all movies set in the 1980s have shown, the sexist debauchery had no limits. but according to recent articles, wall street is finally addressing its culture of sexual harassment in response to #metoo. could these bros really be going from degenerates to de-gentleman? this is really exciting.
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you covered a story which i think of as ripping off my story: how the culture is shifting on wall street and men are changing their action when it comes to #metoo. >> that's right. they are changing their actions when it comes to #metoo, but not in a way that benefits women. >> oh, okay, sorry. i didn't really read it. i'm busy... >> in fact, it's quite the opposite. #metoo seems to be having a backlash on wall street, where men seem to think that they should stop interacting with the women that they work with. >> what? >> and we actually spoke with some men who were rethinking about ever even hiring a woman again. and we talked to one man who that said he doesn't have dinner with women under 35 anymore. >> that's the stupidest shit i ever heard. what are they afraid of? >> there seems to be an actual paranoia that some women will make up a false accusation against them that could ruin their careers. >> so men are pretending that women are pretending that men are harassing them? ( laughter ) makes no (bleep) sense. to observe these men in their
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natural habitat, i had to approach them carefully. i have been hearing that men are terrified in the wake of the #metoo movement. is that true? >> uhm... you know, i don't think it's really uhm... >> the fear is palpable here. men are terrified to speak. that's fine. that's-- thanks. hi, sir, excuse me. anybody? but #not-all-men-were- speechless. >> i could turn this around and say i know plenty of women that are very aggressive now, want to be men, want to go to chippendales. they want booty calls. there are women bosses out there that abuse their power. so-and-so, see her? she got the position because-- >> this woman right here. >> no, no, just saying. i heard of a woman who grabbed a guy's ass, or, you know, touched him, and he was married and didn't like it. i wouldn't know why somebody
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would do that. >> right. i don't either. especially when it hasn't really happened. >> yeah. >> this guy told me a lot, yet, also, nothing at all. for a more relevant perspective i went to the one place a young wall street bro might be comfortable talking to a woman-- a bar. >> i think most men are scared to be left alone with their female counterparts. i think men are trying to be more careful about that. >> about keeping their hands to themselves. ( laughter ). >> yeah. >> i'm sorry, am i making you unfortunately. uncomfortable? >> just a little bit. >> i didn't want to scare this poor guy dickless. to put him at ease, i called in our senior bro correspondent, kosta. >> ask him about false allegations. >> ask him about false allegations, right, bro. >> ask him if there are a lot of false accusations happening on wall street? >> are there a lot of false accusation happening on wall street, bro-seph? >> i think some men are scared some false allegations are going to come to light. >> why are they so scared? >> she wants me to say why are they so scared? >> i'm definitely scared.
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what if i say, "nice dress," and she says, "that guy is coming on to me." i don't know where the line is anymore. >> it's so hard to know what to do. i'm not allowed to take my penis out. >> no! don't talk about penis at all. >> you can't even say penis in the workplace anymore. >> damn it, kosta! get out of here you bleep. dick hole. >> he's great. he's hilarious. >> now i know firsthand how hard it is to be a woman on wall street. but nobody knows better than sally crawcheck. she's a c.e.o. and 30-year finance veteran. when you get, particularly a bunch of young guys together, and you get-- as i did when i started out, xeroxed copies of male genitalia left on your desk. >> oh, my god! >> yes. >> what's a xerox? >> and the research tells us that sexism and sexual harassment i continues to exist. 81% of women say they've been sexually harassed at work. >> 81%? >> yes. >> so tell me about the hundreds of thousands of false
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accusations against good, upstanding, totally non-douchey wall street men. >> zero men have lost their jobs on wall street in the #metoo movement. >> so then why are men so concerned about being falsely accused? >> if 81% of women are saying they've suffered sexual harassment from men, then some number of men are sexually harassing. >> so a false accusation is about as common as getting struck by lightning during a shark attack, but men are still using it as an excuse to discriminate against women. i feel like we're at the point now where we have to do something that's a little more permanent. ( laughter ) >> no. my solution is just frigging promote more women. because women can make wall street stronger. >> sell! buy! sell! you're doing great. you're fired. >> when you have greater diversity in senior leadership, you have better business results, higher returns, and
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it's good for the economy and the markets and the companies. >> i think that's it. sexual harassment is like insider trading and over-gelled hair-- it's all over wall street, and it needs to stop. but if things are ever going to change, men need to quit seeing women as sexual objects and start seeing them as financial assets. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: desi lydic, everyone. we'll be right back.
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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a musician who sings, raps, dances, and-- get this-- plays classical flute. her forthcoming new album is called "'cuz i love you." ♪ if i'm shiny everybody gonna shine ♪ i was born like this don't even gotta try ♪ i like chardonnay get better over time ♪ heard you say i'm not a baddest, bitch, you lie ♪ ain't my fault that i'm out here gettin' loose ♪ gotta blame it on my goose, gotta blame it on my juice, baby
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♪ ain't my fault that i'm out here makin' news ♪ i'm the pudding in the proof gotta blame it on my juice ♪ >> trevor: please welcome to the show lizzo! ( cheers and applause ) >> wow! wow! wait, i just spin like this, right? >> trevor: you're going to spin? >> oh, my god! >> trevor: why are you going to spin? >> i don't know! i don't know! i've never done this before. >> trevor: welcome to the show. let's talk about the music. congratulations, first of all. you're going to be performing at coachella for the first time. >> ever! a lot of people are excited for you. many of your fans are excited because all of your day ones have been with you on this journey. you know, you create music in a really specific way. you've even described your music as "church with a twerk." >> hallelujah. ( laughter ) hallelujah, trevor!
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i don't know. i feel like my music is really positive and uplifting, and i played enough shows now to ask people how they feel. and they always say it's a religious experience. >> trevor: right. >> or a spiritual experience. i grew up in church, church of god and christ in detroit. and so that was my connection with music was spirituality and gospel. so i like to bring that into, you know, the lizzo world. and, also, it beats working, so why would i stop now! i've been twerking since i was 14. >> trevor: you-- you-- you have a style that's really unique because of all of your influences. like, you grew up playing the flute, right? >> yes. >> trevor: and what i really like about your story, you talk about how-- there was a point you were ashamed when you were you played the flute. when i was trying to be a rappitiy-rapper, hip-hop, fedora look ago you know what i mean? know what i mean? when i was like, like a rapper,
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people were like, "don't bring the flute into that. it's embarrassing. like, you know, no one's going to take you seriously." >> trevor: you can't be a rapper with a flute. >> no. i'm terrified! you know, i'm a band nerd underneath this cool exterior. i'm a geek. i know all my scales-- major, minor, pentatonic, harmonic. ( applause ) >> trevor: actually, this is one of my favorite moment they say saw of yours. it was a viral video that came out of nowhere, and it blew people away. we actual she that clip right here. >> bitch! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: you see, that-- that's magic. no one expects that. >> wow. >> trevor: do you-- do you enjoy playing with people's expectations? >> well, you know what happened that day? this woman-- we were playing, like, a homecoming at a college. >> trevor: yes. >> and this professor-- you know, this very nice white lady at first. she came out and she-- we were
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sound checking. and, you know, my-- my team is mostly brown women. and we were sound checking, and she walked up to the stage-- there's this huge built stage in the middle of the college campus that says "homecoming," i have a microphone on. and she's like, "do you have a permit? do you have a permit to be playing music this loud out here? there are students trying to study." a i was like, "bitch, don't talk to me. i was paid to be here. i'm not here for you." ( laughter ) that was the first thing that came out of my mouth. and i just kind of ignored her after that. and she tried to raise hell. during the actual show, i dedicated that song to her. and something came over mere-- ( laughter ) i wasn't supposed to be so angry, but i was. >> trevor: i wanted to talk about how you responded to the idea of body positivity. >> yes. >> trevor: one thing that has been thrust upon you by people, you know, because of your album cover, because of the way you conduct yourself, people have gone like, "wow, she is so brave. she's so confident in her body
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and the way she looks, and this is so beautiful and so brave." but i've been-- i've been interested in how you've really dismissed and saying, "i'm not doing this for your 'brave' label." i'm just me. what does that mean? >> well, you know what's interesting is before the term "body positive" was just kind of a mainstream thing, i was just making moving about my body that was positive. i think it's so interesting that bod positivity is buzzing term. there's no term for body negativity because it's the norm. it's what we expect. so, at this point, i realize that my mere existence is a form activism, especially in the body positive community. and i wear that hat really well with-- or not wear the hat at all, according to... ( laughter ) you know? i wear nudity well. and i wear my body and my skin well. so i'm just going to continue to be that. but i'm nobody's celebrity totem. you can't make an example out of me. i'm literally here making music so i can live a more positive, healthier, happier life.
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and if that changes the world one song at a time, then so be it. >> audience: go girl! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: are you kidding me?" the "cuz i love you" tour kicks off at coachella april 14, and the album will be out april 19. lizzo, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ oh, pete!?! c'mon man. what? we said pantyhose right? here, eat this... creamy snickers®. you could use a little smoothness. pete? pete zagorin? get smooth with the fresh-ground nut butters in new creamy snickers®.
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