>> [fake laugh] >> oh, your face! oh! >> is-- do the people-- >> no, i'm kidding. no, you're not-- you're not fired. yet. >> oh! >> oh. >> do they not like me, though? >> i don't know, actually. >> okay. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! i'm trevor noah! thank you for coming out! yeah! yeah! wow! oh, wow! you! no, you! let's do it, let's do it, let's do it! our guest tonight is an advocate

for survivors of sexual assault, an amazing person and a nobel nominee for the 2019 nobel peace prize, ada amanda nguyen is joig us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) but first, happy passover and happy easter, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) yeah, i hope you enjoyed it. did you have a good one? easter is one of my favorite holidays because i get to be with the family, eat, and jesus died for our sins and came back as a giant rabbit to lays chocolate eggs. even the been to church in a while. happy easter everyone. let's catch up on today's headlines. ♪ easter, it's an important holiday for any devout christian and president trump who celebrated at the annual white house easter egg roll. >> president trump stand big at 1600 pennsylvania for that easter egg roll at this moment. they're singing the national

anthem, president trump flanked by the first lady and the easter bunny himself -- or herself, perhaps. >> trevor: oh! anchor said himself or herself, perhaps. still can't confirm if this mythical creature has a va nie na or not. not that sex is identified by genitalia! now the top of the hour! ( laughter ) this is where american traditions don't make sense. we're supposed to pretend that ridiculous creature belongs at the white house standing next to theers bunny. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) couldn't help it! also, americans sing the national anthem at the strangest times. i get it completely at sports. but standing next to the easter bunny? that's where you're like we need to honor this moment with a meaningful display of patriotism. bunny, put your hilarious paw over your heart.

( laughter ) if you think it's time to get donald trump out of the white house and give someone else a chance to stand next to the bunny, another candidate in the race. >> the 19th democrat just joined the race for the white house, massachusetts seth moulton just joined the raissments had four tours of duty in iraq and made a contrast to bernie sanders. >> i'm not a socialist, i'm a democrat. maybe that's a differentiator for me in this race. >> trevor: that's right, seth moulton is entering the race, which is huge, because moulton, as we all know, is the guy whose -- ( mumbling ) you know, we all know that about him, he's got the -- (mumbling) white guy. ( laughter ) yes, his announcement brings the democratic candidate to 19. which is too many. look at all of those faces!

( laughter ) look at that! i know tradition says a woman can't be president but (~bleep ) tradition. moving on to international news. after last week's fire at notre dame, there have been so many mixed emotions. sadness at what was lost, gratitude that it wasn't worse, and now a surprising new emotion, anger. >> less than a week after that massive fire at the notre dame cathedral, protesters in france are taking to the streets, some of them angry that, while more than a billion dollars has been raised to rebuild the church, the needs of the poor are going unmet. demonstrators with the yellow vest group battle with riot police in paris today as protesters hurled paving stones and set fire to cars. >> on many backs, everything for notre dame, nothing for "les miz"les miserables." >> trevor: the "les miserables" are pissed off and that's not a good thing because the last time that

happened we had to listen to russell crowe sing. that's probably why they invented the guillotine in france in the first police. please, monsieur, i have to chop off my ears, i cannot! ( laughter ) instead of average people, why doesn't france ask for the catholic church to pay for the repairs? a billion dollars snotting to them. it's like three child abuse settlements. ( audience reacts ) who made that joke?! where did that come from?! ( applause ) and at the same time, at the same time, i understand why many of the people in france who don't have much are upset about this, right? should renovations take priority over poor people? you have to ask what would jesus do, because a big part of jesus' message is help the poor, but also don't forget jesus was a carpenter, so you know there's a part of him that's, like,. (jesus). "is thou looking for a contractor? because jesus getteth good reviews on angie's list."

( laughter ) and in another part of europe, the british royal family might be planning a baby moon. >> we're learning new details about what might be next for princess harry and duchess megan after the baby arrives. >> this morning new headlines harry and megan could be moving to africa. the duke and duchess are reportedly considering heading on a sabbatical for six months. >> trevor: they're taking a sabbatical? from what? ( laughter ) helping their grandma pick out hats? get the (~bleep ) out of here, man! how you going to take a break from being royalty? we just have to take a break, just too much. ( laughter ) some are saying the reason harry and megan want to get africa is to escape the tabloids and paparazzi in the u.k. if you're a ginger, i don't know if africa is the best place for you to try and blend in. ( laughter ) but at the same time, i do get it, because you see, in africa,

we don't have the same tabloid culture that you have out here. we do have paparazzi. it's just they don't have cameras. yeah, this is the guy running after you, like, i saw you, i saw you! i saw you again! i saw you! i saw you! look at what you are wearing! i'm going to tell everybody! ( laughter ) let's move on to today's top story. ( cheers and applause ) the mueller investigation. it's been a cloud looming over the trump presidency for almost two years which is a really long time. you do realize the mueller investigation has lasted longer than most of the people in the trump administration, right? ( laughter ) yeah, this thing has been around for about 70 scaramuccis. that's a long time. ( laughter ) and after all that anticipation, robert mueller's report finally dropped last week. people were so excited that, in one day, they read all 448 pages

and footnotes, which is insane! this was a government report and we were all treating it like a 50 shades meets harry potter crossover, which, by the way, i've also read -- and let's just say it gave me bonerus erectus. it means great joy in latin. that's what that is. ( applause ) now, what's interesting is the first person to read the full report was william barr, trump's attorney general and unfunny patton oswalt, and he released a summary which basically said no collusion, no obstruction, nothing to see here, move along. basically the attorney general made it seem like this was the most boring thing since canadian spring break, which is just when you put on a pair of shorts for a week and take a shot of maple syrup, that's all it is. ( laughter ) now that the report has been released to public, we're realizing barr left out a lot of juicy details. >> tonight the nation riveted by the mueller report, the most

anticipated document in a generation finally public, revealing details and lies. >> it's out and different than what donald trump's attorney described. >> may 127, 2017, president trump "slumped back in his chair and said, oh, my god this is terrible. this is tend of my presidency. i'm f'd ." >> trevor: that is hilarious, when trump found out mueller was investigating, he slumped in his chair around said i'm (~bleep ). you know why i like that because he always acts like nothing phases him. chin up, shoulders back, tummy out. turns out trump panics act his presidency as much as the rest of us. that's a good feeling to know, yeah? ( applause ) it's almost like we're on a plane with crazy turbulence and we all think we're in this aloarntion but the pilot is also in the cockpit like i'm f'd!

i'm f'd! ladies and gentlemen, no collusion, everything is fine. i'm f'd! i'm f'd! i'm f'd! ( laughter ) ( applause ) so it turns out, when barr summarized the mueller report, he forgot to mention that trump's entire administration panicked at the idea of being investigated and, in addition to that, his summary absolved trump of obstruction of justice. what it didn't mention is that, for two years, trump was constantly trying to stop the investigation tofnlt thing that prevented him from doing that is that the white house is baby proof. >> the report details several cases of senior advisors declining to take actions that could have obstructed justice. the president's staff ultimately may have saved him by ignoring his orders. the report cites at least seven different individuals close to the president who declined to do what he asked regarding the investigation. >> the president telling white house counsel don mcghan to fire mueller.

mcgan refused telling reince priebus that the president asked him to do crazy s. >> trevor: we all know what that means -- crazy sex. ( laughter ) yeah, whips, chains, magic spells, the kind of things you read in 50 shades of gryffindor. yeah, crazy s, that's the thing -- sorry. what? it's not? crazy shit, oh. i didn't down to little stars. oh, yeah, he asked them to do crazy shit, not crazy sex. but that's right, trump was constantly telling his aides to do obstruction-y things and they just ignored him. so that was basically obstruction of obstruction of justice. and in way, this is almost comforting because you realize, yes, trump is corrupt enough to want to abuse his powers but also too lazy to follow through. ( laughter )

that's a nice thing to know. wouldn't it be great if other bad people in history were this lazy? if the nazis were like, we found anne frank in the at tick! ah, attics stairs, forget about it! ( laughter ) even though the barr jury room painted trump as being innocent, you can tell from the report he knew he was doing something wrong. >> the report shows the oval office exchange between mcghan and the the president. the president asked what about these notes? why do you take notes. mcghan responded he takes notes because he is a real record and the notes create a record that are not a bad thing. the president said i've had a lot of great lawyers like roy cohn, he did not take notes. >> trevor: that's how you know shady shit going on in the white house when trump is yelling at

lawyers for take notes about what he says. you don't get mad when you're doing something good and someone takes notes. okay, i'm going to donate my money to the orphanage -- don't write that shit down! somebody might find out and i'll get credit, philanthropy is its own reward. i like it when trump think so his lawyers are the best lawyers. really? there are more normal looking people on the mortal combat selection screen than on trump's legal team! ( applause ) although, although, to be fair, trump isn't in prison yet, so maybe this group of vam fires and steamship captains knows what it's doing. i don't know. ( laughter ) all this craziness is just the stuff we can see in the report because there are still tons of redactions. this document was covered in so much, inc. it looked like adam

levine's torso like one to have the pages had nipple also. but this gummy bear lawyer conveniently left out all the details that make trump look not good. you might be saying, it was a summary, trevor, of course he's going to leave out some stuff, but right before he released the report barr gave a press conference where he said trump was fully cooperative with the mueller probe. once again, the priewrl report tells a very different story. >> the president refused to sit for an interview with the special counsel. president trump responded to written questions with some version of i do not recall or i do not remember 37 times. >> trevor: trump said i don't remember 37 times? come on. i don't believe trump's memory is that bad. the only way i would believe it if all 37 questions were when is your anniversary, then maybe. ( laughter ) it's also funny trump can't remember what happened a year ago, but when christine blasey

ford couldn't remember every detail from 30 years ago he judged her like this. >> how did you get home? i don't remember. how did you get there? i don't remember. where is the place? i don't remember. how many years ago was it? i don't know. i don't know. what neighborhood was it in? i don't know. where's the house? i don't know. upstairs, downstairs, where was it? i don't know. but i had one beer, that's the only thing i remember. >> trevor: see? this proves my theory, everything trump says about women is actually true about himself. yeah. he's always making things up, he's overly emotional and, most of all, he's the one with the great boobs. ( laughter ) , so look,ist clear now, it's clear now william barr may have told us that the mueller report was a nothing burger but, in reality, it's more like the kitchen at shake shack, and you have to admit it's a little strange that the attorney general wrote a summary that left out so many crucial details. that's not what a summary is supposed to do. it's like a movie trailer. it's supposed to give you an

accurate idea of what you're about to see, not leave out all the good parts. you know what the worst thing is? is that before this happened, marvel hired william barr to make the new avengers trailer, which probably explains why it looks like this. ♪ >> what do you want? >> i wouldn't say no to a tuna melt. >> you know how you're having a dream and in the dream you have to pee. >> yeah. >> no bathrooms. >> and you wake up and in real life you actually have to pee. >> yes. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: we'll be right back. great. another wireless ad.

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! some new stories help us understand the world we live in, and some new stories are just stupid. for those, we turn to ronny chieng. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor, you probably don't know this, but today is earth day. so to celebrate, i got you some earth! >> trevor: whoa, whoa! >> as we celebrate earth, we're also trying to figure out how to save it. take me for instance, to help cool the planet before i left my apartment today i turned the air conditioning on. ( laughter ) >> trevor:, no, no, isn't that

contributing to global warming? >> stupid, i left the window open, of course. ( laughter ) unfortunately for the earth, not everyone's solutions are as practical as mine. >> how can human kind tackle global warming? there are some sig scientists proposing a technique similar to the earth wearing you've protection sunglasses apparently to block out the sun's harmful rays. the proposal wants to send airplanes into the stratosphere effectively spraying aero sols into the atmosphere almost like adding extra clouds. you essentially are trying to block more of the sunlight. >> you solution to save the planet is to spray more shit into the atmosphere. ( laughter ) what's the points of saving earth if the whole thing looks like new jersey? ( cheers and applause ) and also, also, there's no way that will work! it's like trying to get a coffee stain out of your shirt by using blood. don't believe every life hack

you read on the internet. we don't need to dim the sun. we already have two dim sons, called eric and don, jr.! hello! high five trevor! come on! come on! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: i'm not going to high five you. >> oh, sorry, didn't know you were a trump guy. ( audience reacts ) anyway, there's a whole ocean of bad ideas out there. one of those bad ideas is an ocean. >> silicon valley firm wants to stop climate change by flooding the desert. why radical ideas were unveiled such as moon shot videos. the company says by using 238 trillion gallons of ocean water it could great millions of algae res voirs to combat carbon dioxide. why the project is expected to cost $50 trillion -- >> you're going to move the ocean into the desert? that is the stupidest thing i've ever heard unless doing it while

burning man is happening, in which case go for it, please take a bath your dirty hippies. ( laughter ) have you ever tried to move a one bathroom apartment? you can't buy three boxes of papa john's and ask your friends to move the atlantic. at least they're trying to find solutions to save the earth. >> world leaders are finding a concept for a floating city to guard against tsunamis in category 5 hurricanes, made up of six hexagonal islands built is sustainable materials to hold about 300 people with an entire city being comprised of 10,000 people. leaders see the projects as a viable solution against rising sea levels, climate change and housing shortages. they will also be built so that they can be towed to a safer location if needed. >> wow, living on floating cities. clearly, we've given up. we couldn't cut back on plastic

straws so we have to go on a carnival cruise that never ends? that's a night mayor except for elderly couples trying to have sex with strangers. i can't believe we're abandoning land coo fast. we're mammals. supposed to live on land. mammals don't live in the oceans. >> dolphins and what else. >> two great examples, thank you. ( laughter ) >> trevor: if you're so smart, what's your plan to save the snert. >> i'm glad you asked. i have a two-step plan. step one, everyone gives me $1 million. ( laughter ) >> trevor: then what's step two? >> step two is i proceed to have a good life while the rest of you drift away on your floating cities. happy earth day, everyone! high five me trump boy! >> trevor: ronny chieng, everyone! we'll be right back! >> come on! ♪ ♪

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it's so lightweight. i love it. i'm busy philipps, and i'm fearless to face anything. miller lite has more taste, to do is read the signs. fewer calories, and half the carbs of bud light. what are you holding? miller lite. hold true. my name is bailey and one day cj had to move away. let us know where you wind up. bailey, bailey when you come back the next time take care of cj. and then i was back. and i had a promise to keep. [ bark ] with each new life i would protect cj. [ bark ] where did you come from? loving people is my purpose but bringing them together that's my journey. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a nobel

peace prize nominee who is the founder and c.e.o. of rise, a nonprofit civil rights organization. she was the force behind "the sexual assault survivors' rights act" which was signed into law in 2016. please welcome amanda nguyen! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to the show! >> thank you! oh, my god! >> trevor: this is a super exciting time for me and for you a little bit, but for me -- >> oh, thanks. >> trevor: -- because i have never chatted to somebody who is nominated for a nobel prize. congratulations. >> thank you so much! >> trevor: that comes with it a certain level of swag. i mean, do you just walk around the world being like, nobel, nobel nominee? >> yeah. >> trevor: because it is basically the best people in our world, essentially. >> it's a good people award. >> trevor: for those who don't know what you do, rise is a

non-profit organization that is dedicated to fighting for the rights of people, you know, and specifically sexual assault survivors. >> yeah. >> trevor: and this is a really personal issue to you, too, because you yourself are a survivor and have fought against a system that has always been in favor, it seems, of the perpetrators as opposed to the victims. >> that's right. >> trevor: what dead you feel needed to change once you saw the system itself? >> well, after my rape, i discovered that the criminal justice system was pretty broken. rape kits were destroyed before the statute of limitations, before they were tested, among a whole host of other issues. i remember walking into my local area rape crisis center and the waiting room was filled. i didn't realize how pervasive this problem was. i realized at that point i had a choice. i could accept injustice or rewrite the law. one of these things is a lot better than the other, so i rewrote it. four and a half years ago, i

founded rise, and when we first started out, people thought we were a joke. we wanted to pass this law through congress, we had no money, no connections, and then we did the impossible, we passed it unanimously through congress. it became the 21st bill in modern u.s. history to do so. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: pretty amazing. >> but, trevor, the most remarkable part wasn't that president obama signed it into law for 25 million people, it was what happened afterwards. so we heard from over a million people who reached out to say, hey, this is going on in my own community, too. >> trevor: yes. >> can you help me pen my own writes into existence? i'm so proud to say, over the past 22 months, we've passed 22 laws all unanimously for 40 million people. so over the past couple of weeks, we just announced the launch of a new phase of rise, which is rise justice labs. >> trevor: that's really interesting because if justice labs is basically an incubator.

>> yes. >> trevor: and you're helping people to start their own social justice movement, and you actually just worked with some kids who were part of the parkland protests and some of the people who were part of that uprising saying, hey, we need to do something about how guns are managed in america. >> that's right. here's how the justice labs work. our mission is to help everyday people pass the law and we give them the resources to to. so we give activists who apply and get accepted seed funding and me mentorship and training d cover their costs to accelerate their social movement. the team we're so proud to work with first are the survivors and students of the parkland shooting. they call themselves zero u.s.a. for zero gun deaths in america. their founder testified in the colorado state house a couple of weeks ago, and they actually -- that bill he testified on just became law, so they have helped write their first law. ( applause )

>> trevor: i can see why you were nominated for a nobel prize and i am not. congratulations on all of your achievements. it truly is amazing work you're doing. congratulations on all your success and your story. to apply to be a part of rise justice labs, go to risenow.us. amanda nguyen, everybody. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪

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♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. we'll be back again tomorrow. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> impeachment is not about punishment. impeachment is about cleansing the office. the point i'm trying to make is you don't even have to be convicted of a crime to lose your job in this constitutional republic.

[ cheers and applause ] hi! and welcome to "the jim jefferies show." tonight, we talk about zoos. some people hate them, and these people always seem to have pets. you can't complain about zoos if you have a pet. zoos give animals space and food. meanwhile, your dog is trapped in a basement studio apartment where it only gets to shit when you let it, and the only thing it can [bleep] is a roomba! that's no life. plus, in the zoos, you get to keep your testicles. i can only imagine how that feels. let's start the show. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ welcome to "the jim jefferies show."