you sure you're not pullin' my leg? i think it's your dog. oh it's him. good call. get the data options you need and still save hundreds of dollars... do you guys sell other dogs? now that's simple, easy, awesome. customize each line by paying for data by the gig or get unlimited. and now get $100 back when you buy a new lg. click, call, or visit a store today. , did you know the monorail was invented by george monorail?" and i would say, "i don't think that's true." and he would say, "well, if he didn't invent it, he certainly perfected it." and i wouldn't have to say, "i'm sorry i left. i'm sorry i made things so difficult. i'm sorry i'm not the person i thought i was." i would just say, "my day was good." and he would say, "i love you." the longer you keep lying to him, the harder it's gonna get. can i ask you something? that play in new york, would that really have made you happy? yeah. i mean, for a little bit.

and if kelsey didn't get fired, and you got to make the secretariat movie you wanted to make, would that have made you happy? for a little bit. but then... probably... so, what does it matter? but there has to be more. well, when's the last time you were actually happy? you microchipped my penis? check, please! all: microchip. (laughs) ah. (audience applauding) (sighs) (doorbell rings) oh. all: todd! -(todd groans) -(all laughing)

(laughs) yeah. oh. hey, mr. peanutbutter. hey. how are you? i can't do this anymore. you can't do what anymore? i think maybe we should stop calling each other, for a little bit. i'm sorry. i just miss you too much. but listen, i love you. okay? uh, yeah. uh, okay. i love you, diane. -where is he? -i don't know, sir. can't do this to me. where the hell is he? >> from km de central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah.

(applause). >> trevor: welcome to the daily show, everybody, thank you so much for tuning in. thank you for coming out. yeah, wow! oh! oh, hey, hey, all right, let's do t let's do t i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight, comedian and author here with a new memoir called life will be the death of me, chelsea handler is joining us, everybody. a really beautiful book, you want to save for the conversation. also on tonight's show democrats want the attorney general to resign, roy wood, jr. will trick you into caring about the planets and the world's sexiest accented-- accents have officially been announced. let's catch on on headlines. let's kick it off with major technology news, yesterday facebook, the world he's biggest

social media platform and instagram for old people announced that they're switching things up. >> facebook privacy shift, the social met york rolling out its biggest face lift in five years. c.e.o. mark zuckerberg is promising to do more to protect personal information. he also announced changes to facebook's app and a new dating feature called secret crush. >> and then mark zuckerberg making a joke on privacy that did not exactly land with the audience. >> i know that we don't exactly have the strongest reputation on privacy right now to put it lightly. but i'm's committed to doing this well. >> trevor: oh. oh. (laughter) that was like a vacuum of silence. you know what made the moment worse, is that he paused for a laugh that never came. he was just like, and that was my joke, pause for laughter. (laughter)

like i mean on the one hand i feel bad for him but on the other hand i'm glad the robot can't take my job, i like that, you know, they just don't have the programming. you know that video of the robot who falls down the stairs, that is what that was, that exact moment, ha ha ha ha. dumb robot. but the good news is after reading our private messages facebook has heard our concerns and say has their new feature is going to be privacy. yes, and it is weird that that is a new feature. like how is privacy not always a feature, like when a fast food chain goes from now on we're using 100% real meat, wait, what? from now on-- what were you using before. that's not the point. (laughter) but if you are someone who wants a little less privacy then facebook has something for you. they announced a new feature called secret crush. which basically lets you know if one of your friends has a crush on you. right? so you pick someone, they pick someone but it it doesn't tell you which one of your friends it is unless you link which i think is a terrible idea. because it is just going to make

people paranoid, will you know your friends have a crush but you don't know who it is, will you try to figure it out every time you hang out, i love you too, jamie, no? no, no then i love you melissa-- no, not you either, all right. then it will turn out crush was your grandmother because she doesn't understand what facebook looks, she is like are you my secret crush because are you so handsome and sweet and i'm dtf, down to feed you. let's move on from the changes on your screen to the changes on your job. >> so since the me tz too movement ban nean companies have been working to am prove their working conditions promoting women to top position, creating new channels to promote harassment, getting rid of wear your bath robe to work day and then there were other companies who were just like you know, let's shut everything down. >> in the wake of the metoo movement companies are considering stricter policies on physical contact in the workplace. some people think even a handshake is too much. a recent survey by a job website

found most people prefer a total ban on physical contact. companies that do not have specific guide lines in place should establish them and make sure that employees know the rules. so i guess you stick to a fist bump or maybe just wave from the other side of the office. >> yes. many companies are considering banning all physical contact. to avoid sexual harassment claims. i like how the news read certificate like fist bump while waving from the other side of the office. that person is more creepy to me. hi! and i will be honest, i'm not sure if that is a solution but the part about banning handshakes i completely agree with. and this isn't even a thing about harassment. i think handshakes are the worst. and americans are obsessed with them. you love your handshakes, love it, just like hi, trevor, i notice your hands aren't covered in my feces, put her there, come on, come on. a little too many different handshakes. i never know what to expect. sometime it is that intense guy who squeezes the shit out of your hand like the trash compacter and the sweaty

handshake person who 2350e8s like they keep their hands in two tiny saunas. sometimes the dead fish shake, here, du something with my hand, i don't care. and sometimes you get that person who puts a second hand over your hand, a little hand sandwich, why, what are you doing. my hand is not a bird t is not going to fly away, what are you doing. hold on, hold on. just move your hand, okay, ha, ha, ha. tricked you. and finally, finally, if you thought that french is the sexiest accent in the world, think again. >> we all have our favorite accents. >> but which country has the sexiest way of speaking. you're in luck because somebody did a study to find out. readers of international travel site the big seven voted and decided that people of new you zealand have the sexiest accent polled by south african accent, people like for its unique tones, the third sexiest was from ireland followed by italian and this is what is interesting to me, australian, can you tell

the dimps between australian and new zealand? >> trevor: okay. so that is a list. don't get me wrong, i appreciate south africa being on that list but i think the list is all wrong, all right. i'm not going to lie. first of all, i love new zealand, great country, wonderful people but the accent is not sexy. it is not somethingy, all right, no one is listening to and you in zealand accent getting turned on, when you hear people speak, do you want to have sex? i'm sorry, horny for doing sex right now? yeah? i would plof to do the rubbing front thing, yes? and also new zealand and australia are not the same accent, australia is much more aggressive, sort of like yeah, in new zealand my tame is tiki and i would like to have sex with you. and australia is more i'm going to grand you real hard, mate, put my shrimp in your barbie, feel that, yeah. and like the rest of the weird u have irish a step away from being scottish, and italian,

maybe some people like plummers but i don't hear it. in fact the only accent i'm if the going to argue with is south africa. my only question is which accent. right, which accent in south africa because we have a ton of different accents. are we talking like the traditional south african accent, people think of where st just like oh yes, i'm sexy, let's have sex. or like the mandela accent is that what st, don't judge me by my success, judge me by how i can rub your body all night long. now that i hear it-- (laughter) >> yeah, now that i hear it, that is the sexiest one. no, it is really sexy, time for me to set your body free. it's just like, i was going to do that, let's move on to today's top story. the mother report, it's the longest running saga what doesn't-- mueller report, it

does have a character who showed up late and became a breakout star. his name is william barr. is he the attorney general and dad who just found out his son is going to film school. you will remember, you will remember that before any of us got to see the mueller report barr we leased a four page summary which basically said that president trump was not guilty of collusion or obstruction of justice. and then the actual report came out and it was a lot more complicated than that. you know? mueller concluded that trump constantly tried to kill the investigation. but meulter didn't say whether or not trump's actions counted as obstruction. it was like a big jump from the summary to the letter, you know? the summary tot report, like going from barr's sum ree to the actual mueller report is like being told how the stocker brought your baby brother and watching the video of the actual child birth, very different experiences. so many people were upset about how misleading barr's summary turned out to be. and now we're finding out that

mueller himself was also not impress-- impressed. >> bombshell letter what we now know about how robert mueller really felt about the attorney general's report on the russia investigation. >> in a letter mueller told barr his message to congress quote did not fully capture the context, nature and substance of mueller's views on obstruction of justice. >> mueller wrote to barr, there is no public confusion about critical aspects of the results of our investigation. >> this threatens to undermine a central purpose for which the department appointed the special counsel, to assure full public confidence in the outcome of the investigation. >> trevor: mueller was especially mad that barr's letter made the public more confused about his report, not less. you know, barr's letter was basically the justice department equivalent of every announcement on the subway. you know t was just like ladies and gentlemen, the mueller report found-- collusion, all trump-- next stop,--

(laughter). >> trevor: wait so did you say there was collusion. and where is the train going? >> (laughter) so it came out-- (laughter) (applause). >> trevor: soo, we always assume when we are on the sub way we assume it is a speaker issue, wouldn't it be funny if the spern like-- and then are you like hey, man, can you come out and speak to me. i'm on my way and they come on the train, what are you saying. (laughter) so it came out that robert mueller was unhappy with how the attorney general spun the investigation too make trump look good. and because barr was scheduled to testify in front of congress today, the democrats used mueller's letter to paper cut barr to pieces.

>> mr. barr, now the american people know that you are no different from rudy giuliani or kellyanne conway or any of the other people who sacrifice their once decent reputation for the grifter and lier who sits in the oval office. america deserves bether. you-- better. you should resign. >> trevor: wow. man, you know you messed up if you made a senator from hawaii mad. (laughter) yeah. people from hawaii don't get mad, they live peacefully with volcanoes. you understand. the earth beneath them is lit reallily exploding and they are just like going. ♪ but don't get it twisted. don't get it twisted. even though the democrats were coming after barr, he didn't show up to just be their punching bag, no. when he got his chance he made it clear that there was nothing wrong with his summary because it wasn't a summary at all. >> we were not trying to summarize the 410 page report.

i told bob that i was not interested in putting out summaries. i thought summaries by very definition regardless of who prepared them would be underinclusive. but as i said, i wasn't interested in putting out summaries. i'm not trying to capture everything. i'm just trying to state the verdict. >> you teutly used the word summarized in your letter. >> summarized the principal conclusions. >> which most people would view as a summary. >> trevor: wow. that was the most exciting boring fight i've ever seen in my life. it's not a summary trk is a sumation of principal conclusions. like if you have ever wondered what the opposite of star wars is, it is is he man particular wars. so in summary, barr said that his summary wasn't a summary. all right. he also went on to say the only reason we are all confused about what the mueller report means is because mueller didn't do his job. >> attorney general bill barr defiant saying he did not understand why mueller did not make a decision on obstruction. >> was it special counsel's

mueller's responsibility to make a charging recommendation? >> i think the deputy attorney general and i thought it was if he felt that he shouldn't go down the path of making a traditional prosecutive decision, then he shouldn't have investigated. why were those investigated if at the end of the day you weren't going to reach a decision on them. >> i got to say, even if you don't like barr, you have to agree that he raises a good point. like meulter was brought in as a-- mueller was brought in as a superdectdive, instead of solving case he laid out the evidence and walked away. that would be the worst episode of sherlock hold ams whatever whatever, it is compleer what happen, blood 134r59er end, door was open and the gun blew in the drek of the killer which means the kill certificate in this room, oh no, who is it, sherlock. well, that is not my job, hopefully someone will surm arize it for you, all right,

everybody, good-bye. that is what he did. so barr basically spent the entire hearing being defensive and combative and his story is that although mueller's letter berates him for his bad summary he said when robert mueller called him and he on the phone they were on the same page but when senators asked for proof of what happened on that phone call barr said i've got your proof right here. >> did anyone either you or anyone on your staph memorialize your conversation with robert mueller. >> yes. >> who did that? >> there were notes taken of the call. >> may we have those notes? >> no. >> why not? >> why should you have them? >> trevor: okay. america, i feel like i've discovered a fundamental flaw in your democracy. you have no defense against someone just being a dick.

seriously, look at senator blumenthal's face. like he cannot believe what just happened. is he just like-- what, what-- like he has the face why people white people pull hen they get shot down in public. people say i want to see the manager, [bleep] out of here lady, ain't no manager at tjmaxx! do you know that i'm's white? (laughter) so after a full day of snatd hearings we are no closer to getting more clarity on the mueller report. democrats believe that it proved what they wanted it to say. republicans think that they proved the complete opposite. and because barr has now refused to show up to testify to the house tomorrow it looks like a potential mueller hearing is the democrats last hope. and look, i don't know if barr's a good attorney general. i do know that i wish he was in charge of facebook. because then the russians would never get their hands on our data, this guy doesn't give anything out. they with be like give us data

on all american boss. >> why should i. >> because we ask you. >> why don't you ask these nuts. >> i want to see manager! we'll be right back. there's nothing more important than the education of a young mind. except maybe being first in line to the grand opening of the world's largest rollercoaster. the volkswagen atlas. more room means more fun.

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within welcome back to the daily show, climate change is one of the biggest issues facing the planet right now, even though we all know that the earth is in trouble, most of us aren't doing anything to help. roy wood, jr. went to find out why. >> climate change, climate change, climate change. everybody is talking about it. just turn on the tv, you will hear stuff like this. >> climate-related disasters from wildfires to more intense storms, extreme rain events and floods are already getting worse. >> and this. >> the mass invasion of polar bears, experts say melting ice has forced polar bears to migrant grate and luntd for food on land. >> polar bear invasion. i thought they were chill cartoons drinking coca cola. climate changes is getting apocalyptic. do you see me taking the bus or go egg vegan. >> i'm done with this, after

this-- i know the world's ending. so why is it so hard to do anything about it? >> what the hell is wrong with me. i blame evolution. >> meet author dan gardner, he believes my willingness to sack ri fis antarctica, california and most of the eastern sea board for a burger isn't my fault. >> through out most of the history of our species we lived as stone age hunter gatherers. we had to deal with certain types of threat, immediate, scary threats, a lion emerging from the long grass, would you immediately intuitively sense that that is a threat. climated change is too abstract and distant of a threat to feel fear. >> so it is a learning disability that we all have, from when we were cavemen. >> yeah, that is it. >> try to explain climate change to me. have i been a caveman, you troo toy explain it. >> well, here is one way. you want to use. >> who are you? >> i am here to explain the steps you can take to try and prevent. >> kill him.

>> that explains that we volume of the to have two systems of thinking, system one is the caveman brain, fat, intuitive, instinct all, and system two is the analytical scientific albert ianstein part of our brain. now who do you think is winning? that is the reason no matter how many facts you tell people about climate change. >> if the temperature goes up even two degrees, we won't even have coffee any more. >> it doesn't get through, because we're only talking to the ianstein part of the brain. system two. >> this milk. >> won't be no more milk when the cows. >> i don't want to hear that. >> so hugh do we explain the world is ending to i a caveman. >> he want to make system one and system two come into alignment. so the system one feels what system two understands. it means porp traying climate change in terms of immediate, visceral, vivid threats. because system one understands

those sorteds of threats. >> oh. i just need to trick my brain into really fearing climate change. >> i will put on this shock clar. you tell me something scare beabout climbate change. i will give you a shock when you say it. >> okay, how about climate change is causing global sea levels to rise. >> oh o bitch, you shocked me for real. >> yeah. >> [bleep] is wrong with you. >> but after three and a half painful hours i'm scared of climate change and i with will never pea pe, be o the-- again, if i was going to save the planet i need to make my owe workers be fear of sea level rise, the unstoppable climate change and i knew just how to get through to them. >> get used to t the oceans are rising. >> in is how hot it is going to be if you don't stop driving that damn thing and get on a

bike. go, get on a bike, get on a damn bike. yeah. , yeah. >> sea level rise, ice caps melting, superhurricane. >> i heard you was going around doing this. the [bleep] out my office. >> look, i know i'm being over the top but it's time for everyone to be over the top about climate change. now if you will excuse me, time to bring these polar bears to life. >> sure feels good to save the earth, and finally use my polar bear costume for nonsexual reasons. (cheers and applause). >> trevor: roy wood, jr., >> trevor: roy wood, jr., everybody, we'll be right back.

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>> welcome back to the daily show, my guest tonight is a comedian activist and best selling author whose new book is called life will be the death of me. please welcome chelee chelsea handler.

(applause) welcome back to the show. >> thank you for having me, trevor noah. >> and congratulations on another new york times best selling book, number one new york times best selling book. >> nah, thank you. >> trevor: congratulations, that is huge. (applause) a lot of people have always loved your writing. i was interested and shocked, to be honest, at how much heart this book had. i knew it was going to be funny but i was really taken by just how vulnerable it was. was in a departure for you, just literally pouring your insides into a book? >> yeah, i mean i made a career of oversharing my personal life. >> and in inappropriate ways so this felt like the first time for an opportunity for not the firs opportunity but the figurer opportunity i looked at as an opportunity to overshare in a positive way. >> right. >> when something that was kind of like heart, you know, gut wrenching for me to go through but necessary.

and so i was eager to share it because i was eager to get it off of my plate and discover and understand why i had been such a bitch for so long, what my issues were. so having a professional break that down for me, like oh, paying somebody to tell you what your issues are, oh way yeah, can i take, this give me more, give me more but the response is what i wasn't expecting. the responses from people who are all, were all just going through the same thing. >> do you take digs at yourself in the book. there are ways you explore your life, not just as a celebrity or famous person but also somebody who is living a very privileged life both as a rich person and as a white woman. that was interesting for me because most people talk about white privilege like it is an outside thing an were you like oh no, no, no, i'm rocking white privilege hard that was like a really interesting way to frame it. why did you do it that way. >> i'm's killing the white privilege, like yeah, over here, give me more. i didn't realize i was part of the problem. i think every white person without doesn't think about white privilege is part of the problem, not the solution.

so for me to wake up and go wait a second, i am, this is, look at all that i have, yes, you can argue that i'm talented. could you also argue that i'm not talented. could you argue that i'm whatever. it is a matter of luck, a lot of luck and a lot of privilege. a lot of things being rewarded or given to me as a reward for bad behavior. my first book was about one-night stands and they are like oh, excellent, bring it. and then that was a success. >> trevor: yes. >> and my secretary drink-- my second book-- (laughter) >> you see where this is going? i always medges drink when i'm sober trk slips out, it is like whoa, whoa, whoa, where is everything i need. let's talk about what else chelsea handler is geght up to. >> i'm giving a tour for the book, places like clear water florida, i haven't been on a tour in five years. >> trevor: is this part the netflix tour or a separate tour. >> no, part of the book tour,. >> trevor: so you are doing a book tour and another standup special and doing a standup special about white privilege. >> no, i did a special, a documentary on white privilege,

hard to keep up with all my privilege there are just so many projects. >> trevor: let's talk about your for aye into the weed business. >> into the weed, i think if we have-- yeah, the cannabis. >> trevor: is a specific strain of weed fla you are be. >> i'm an advocate, coming out with my own weed line frk we have to deal with this administration we should also be legally allowed to smoke cannabis. the whole country, everybody needs to get on board, it grows out of the ground, and it is our friend. >> trevor: are you known as being fond of the alcohol. >> yeah, and bloated and i'm no longer bloated because of the can a bills. >> trevor: so the weed, you have said that the weed has temp erred your drinking. >> for sure. >> trevor: how. >> you don't have to drink as much or at all when you have a little buzz. the weed kind of cuts my reaction time in half which for me is the benefit, you know what i mean, i don't want to say everything that comes up. i also want to be quiet, i just don't know how. so for weed for me has helped me meditate, helped me be quiet, focus, still a little bit more

instead of being in your face all the time. i realize that was a little a was a little annoying. >> trevor: i'm loving this. i don't know if you are on weed right now but either way it is always a pleasure having you on the show. chelsea handler, everybody, thank you so much for being on the show. life will be the death of me, is available now and go to chelsea handler.com for tour dates. we'll be right back, everybody. we'll be right back, everybody. thank you so much. ♪

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that's our hoe show for tonight, thank you for tuning in, here it is, your moment of zen. >> trump is a [bleep] idiot, [bleep] idiot, [bleep] idiot. oh. sorry it to the kids out there. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪