- get away, douche bag. away, - some legends saysome le that if you destroy the vampires' lair the vampires go back to being human again. ba what are you - talking about?are you - i can take you to the place where kidse pe are being transformed into vampires. - agh--hot topic? whe when did this open? it used to be a a banana republic.ks - of course, freakin' hot topic.course, that explains everything.ains - how did we not figure that out? didwe of course a new hot topicurse must have come to town--duh! - well, i think we all know what has to be done.has t - yup, let's get to it.s - ♪ burn, burn down burn down hot topic ♪burnd ♪ don't let it steal your soul away ♪let it - hey, what the hell are you doing?hell - you should probably get out of here.d probab - ♪ light the fire ♪

♪ take control - ♪ burn down burn down hot topic ♪ ♪ take control ♪ don't let it take your soul ♪don't l - they're putting an end to it!hey're - ♪ and take control ♪ burnin' down hot topic ♪ ♪ burnin' down hot topic - mom, dad! - what? - goth kids burnt down the hot topic and sure enough, soon as they did,h, i tried eating a hot dog, and it tasted good!tasted my vampire teeth even fell out when i bit into it!lt i'm human again!human a - we have no idea what you're talking about, butters, but we're glad you're home!but we' - that's right, son. there's only one thing i care about-- - what's that, dad? - well, would you mind telling me why there's rice-a-roni in my coffee?ice-a-ro - butters, you are grounded! a- aw, dang it! - it worked, linda. our son is groundable once more. is

- fellow students, over the past week, there's been a lot of confusion, and so we have asked for this assemblyis asse to clarify the difference between goth kidse diffe let us make it abundantly clear:et us if you hate life, truly hate the sun,f you ha and need to smoke and drink coffeend dnk you are goth. if, however, you like dressing in black 'cause it's fun, fun, enjoy putting sparkles on your cheeks and following the occulttheu while avoiding things that are bad for your health, then you are most likelyyou a douche bag vampire-wannabe boner.e- because anybody who thinks they are actually a vampirehey is freaking retarded.is fi [cheers and applause] app [cheers and applause] come >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york,

this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in and thank you for coming out! i'm trevor noah! our guest tonight is an oscar-winning actor who plays a presidential candidate in her new movie the "long shot," charlize theron is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) so excited! wow, you guys clap hard. it's like you work out. also on tonight's show, the north pole is going russian, measles are going viral, around jordan klepper is here to tell us what he's been up to on the road. first, let's catch up on today's headlines.

let's begin with the big news out of washington where william barr, attorney general was a no-show for his own hearing. >> a no-show, attorney general william barr leaves a house committee hanging when it comes to answering questions about the mueller report. >> democrats inch closer to a vote to hold attorney general william barr in contempt of congress. >> the house judiciary committee chairman jerry nadler opened the morning by scolding the empty chair that was for the attorney general. >> at least one democrat chose to use a bucket of chicken to illustrate his opinion of barr's no show. >> trevor: wow. wow. this congressman brought a bucket of fried chicken to a hearing? and by the way, if you're looking at the black dude right now, you're racist. yeah. yeah. ( applause ) because the white guy brought the chicken. that's who brought it. yeah. that's stephen cohen, memphis congressman and guy with somehow too much hair and not enough hair at the same time.

( laughter ) apparently he brought that bucket of k.f.c. to imply that the attorney general was chicken for not showing up. i mean, at least that's what we assume. it could have just been his breakfast, and someone was, like, oh is that k.f.c. some kind of political statement? oh, yeah, that's what it is. and the drink is because we need to shake things up! ( laughter ) this was clearly a stunt because a bucket of fried chicken isn't going to get bill barr to come and testify, but it will get donald trump to come and see congress. yeah. he saw that k.f.c. bucket and was, like, fuel up, air force one. we're going to congress! sir, it's only eight blocks away. you know it, you're right. we'll take the chopper! ( laughter ) the crisis on america's southern border shows no signs of letting up and so many people are coming with children that the department of homeland security can't keep up which is why they've devised a new plan. >> the homeland security department will soon be giving

migrants dna tests when they arrive at the border. the pilot program could begin as early as next week and officials say is aimed for stopping migrants of falsely claiming to be parents of children who are not theirs. >> this proposed rapid dna test that will involve a cheek swab that in about an hour will show if an adult and child are actually related. >> trevor: that's right, boarder patrol is taking a page from maury povich and dna testing all families seeking asylum at the border. border patrol says it's to prevent trafficking, critics say the plan sin vasive and it is to dissuade people from coming over. this is bound to create awkwardness at the border. a family will show up after trekking through the desert. and the agent will say, we need to make sure this is your family. and the man says, of course it is! test all of us, right, maria?

well, don't test the child, he spent a lot of time with the mail mrntion maybe his dna rubbed off? how are they able to do a dna test in two hours? it takes other services six weeks. forget 23 and me, america is going to show up at the bored tore get free tests. um, can you tell me if i'm irish or just an alcoholic? ( laughter ) in headlines, there are more than 700 reported cases of measles in the united states. the most in 25 years. it showed up in churches, schools, movie theaters and now it's going on vacation. >> the cruise ship on the caribbean island of st. lucia is ordered to remain docked and quarantined on the free winds, a vessel believed to be owned by the church of scientology, one confirmed case of measles with nearly 300 abompletd island doctors are worried the virus could spread to locals if anyone is allowed off the ship. >> we thought it prudent to

quarantine the ship. >> trevor: that's right, there's no way we are allowing these people to come on the island. why, because they have measles? no, because they're scientologists. ( applause ) we didn't even know that the measles. nobody want these space mormons running around our streets. ( laughter ) what, somebody already made it? sound the alarms! ♪ boom, boom, boom, boom ♪ boom, boom, boomic boom ( laughter ) so in case you're keeping count, thanks to anti-vaxers, america has more than 700 cases of measles in a country where it was eraidcated which is one case for every democrat running for president. all right, let's move on to today's top story! ( cheers and applause ) russia, america's greatest enemy and home to have the world's nastiest salad dressing.

you may have forgotten that before russia was hacking your grandma's facebook page, they were doing actual superpour stuff like invading countries, overthrowing governments and beating the shit out of sylvester stallone. this week the world discovered what could be russia's latest top secret plan for world domination. >> a seemingly tame beluga whale was discovered off the the coast of norway, thought to be gathering information for russians. >> out of a spy novel, a white whale wearing a strange harness appeared to be harassing boats. it read "st. petersburg." >> experts believe this bloomingtona whale was trained by the russian military to be a spy. >> trevor: okay, okay, now i've heard it all. the russians are training whales as spies? that is next level. and also i don't think he wants

a spy that can easily be flipped by just offering it fish. think about it. it's not going to be a good spievment people will be in the interrogation room, tell me where it is! the whale is, like, you will never make me talk. anyone want a fishy? ( whale sounds ) ( laughter ) the question is why would russia have a spy whale swimming around the arctic in the first place? we'll tell you why in our newest segment "if you don't know, now you know." ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> trevor: now, look, just because this whale was found wearing a russian harness doesn't necessarily mean he's a spy. whales are very sophisticated creatures. for all we know, he's just into some bdsm. and who are we to judge what you do with your blow hole is your business. ( laughter ) but the reason people suspect this whale may be part of a crazy russian plot is because in that region of the world, russia

has been getting up to a whole lot of no good. >> the arctic is the newest and most daunting front in the expanding global competition between the u.s. and russia. these 5.5 million square miles are under an intense battle for dominance. >> russia has aggressively expanded its military capability in the arctic, establishing and expanding northern command, forming arctic brigades. they planted a die thaitain yum flag on the sea floor benorth the north pole. >> trevor: a flag on the sea floor? such a primitive way to claim something. like a dog peeing to mark its territory. which is done. you heard me, just because you pee on something, doesn't mean it's yours, if that were true i would own every toilet seat in this building and two trashcans. couldn't hold it. i'm sorry. but the russians are trying to claim as much as of the arctic as they can. and they're willing to fight for it.

>> moscow recently opened a new military base that is closer to alaska than it is to moscow. >> they call this base northern clover. the russian army has already deployed coastal dise fence rockets and specialized weapons to dominate the arctic. >> this is the arctic brigade, in training in case there's confrontation with russia's makes. >> the kremlin released video of raindeer-riding russian soldiers. >> trevor: i don't know what's crazier, the fact they killed a dude in training or the russians have reindeer soldiers training for them. i guess for the raindeer, it makes sense because they don't earn enough working for santa one day a year. of course they need a side hustle. in the arctic, what are the options? fight for the russians, or make ads for coke.

yeah. why is a polar bear drinking coke make us want to drink coke? hey, do you eat dead walrus? i've got the drink for you! and you're probably wondering why don't we just let the russians have the arctic? russia wants the arctic for the same reason anyone wants anything, money. >> across the arctic, ice is shrinking at an alarming rate, meaning rising sea levels, potentially threatening the very future of huge kind. but in the meantime, ice-free rand and navigation routes in the arctic mean access to resources is becoming easier. there are significant deposits of oil and gas as well as rare earths. precious metals such as uranium, gold and platinum. >> trevor: human beings are the dumbest creatures on earth. we're running around like the world is ending, but in the meantime gold! whoo-hoo! yeah, the arctic region is not just the world's largest ice

skating rink, turns out it's got gold, plat number and $35 trillion worth of oil and gas. russia may be the furthest ahead but every country in the region is trying to get a pies of that ice. >> russia isn't the only country mining for mining for resources in the arctic. the u.s., canada, denmark and norway also have laid claims to parts of the polar north. governments see it as a land of new economic opportunities. iceland's president says the meltic arctic is like discovering a new africa. >> trevor: oh... here we go! white people discovering a new africa, just like they discovered it the first time, huh? funny how western nations are, like, we're sorry for colonization and assuming all land is ours for the taking, that will never ever -- what's that? new land? take it down! quickly, a flag! don't have any flags. then just pee on that!

( applause ) so if people are really going to treat the arctic like its the new rank, then someone needs to warn the arctic about what to suspect, which is why we made. this hello, arctic region, with global warming exposing your land's vast natural resources, many people are calling you the new africa. and as the original africa, my friends and i wanted to get together to give you a few tips on what to expect when the white people the come. >> first things first, when white people say they're going to stay for just a few days, they actually mean 250 years! ( laughter ) >> if they ask you to help them with some yard work, they're talking about shreve ri. >> another thing, white people might ask to borrow your natural resources, like all your gold. please remember to put your names on it, because white people, they do not give shit back.

>> if they ask you to take a boat ride, they are talking about slavery. >> and most importantly, please get vaccinated, because with white people come many diseases -- cholera, smallpox, restless leg syndrome, and back by popular demand, measles! >> now, if they say they want to teach you about the love and mercy of jesus, you're getting extra slavery, bro. >> trevor: so good luck, my friends. remember, if you need any advice, don't hesitate to call us at the number below. if you're wondering how do we know the africans won't invade our region, good news -- >> we don't ( bleep ) know. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: good luck, arctic! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) there's nothing more important

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back! welcome back to "the daily show." even though i never liked jordan klepper while he was here, i'm contractually obligated to have him back to talk about his new show, so please welcome my best friend jordan klepper! ( cheers and applause ) welcome back, jordan! >> never liked? never liked... >> trevor: no, that's just me being honest. welcome back to the show. dude, we miss you. >> do you? >> trevor: we miss you on the show. you kidding me? how you been?

>> good. i miss coming on the show. >> trevor: one minute, jordan klepper was on the daily "the daily show," and then you were playing a right wing character then you started doing another show. what changed? >> you just explained it. do you need me to explain it back to you? >> trevor: no. i was doing the daily "the daily the "the daily show," then playing a right wing character. >> trevor: why aren't you playing right wing character? >> the network thought i would be better -- it was at 11:30. >> trevor: there are 50 shows there. >> i'm moving to have more fun. i have been trying to keep you updated but you won't return my calls. >> trevor: i do texts. you won't return my texts either. i'm not here to complain about that. >> trevor: i feel like you are. >> i mean, a little bit. but i have been out in the world. >> trevor: yes. we wanted to -- we had the opportunity to go do a show that was about stories that don't get told out in real america, and we

hear a lot about real america, what is real america, what do they care about? they care about a lot of shit, and it's not just what happens at 1600 pennsylvania avenue. >> trevor: yes. for the last eight months, i have been out in the field talking to team. >> trevor: i was worried about you, though, because i saw you doing a new show and i saw a headline that said "jordan klepper arrested." >> yes. >> trevor: and i thought, damn, you lose father figure and return to a life of crime. why? >> you won't return my text messages. >> but seriously, why? i was earnestly arrested. we have been following activist movements, and there's an amazing group in atlanta, georgia called freedom university, and it's a bunch of undocumented and daca students who can't attend public colleges, and it's because the board of regents won't let them. >> right. georgia is one of the hardest lockdowns on immigration policy altogether. i was down there and learning about this program freedom university, and myself and pastors and other teachers went

to a board of regents meeting and stood up and protested. when you do that in the south, they arrest you. >> was this your first time getting arrested? >> it was my first time getting arrested. you know how they joke about strip searching and you cough to see if something falls out of your anus? it's not a joke ( laughter ) that's what they do right off the bat. you walk in and i'm, like, they're going to warm up to me and -- and you go in a line, i watch other people go in, drop it, cough, and cough twice to see if something falls out of your anus which must be industry standard. if you pass two coughs you go. so if i go back, want to bring something in, just practice for a few months. if you can get past the two-cough threshold, you can get anything in jail. ( laughter ) i've covered the gun issue a ton. >> trevor: yes, this is a big cause you are passionate about, guns in america. >> guns in america. i wanted to embed with people

who had a perspective outside of my own, so i traveled with the open-carry group down in texas and spent time with them to see their cause and we went to an actual parade in texas and, to be quite honest, i was a little shocked by the types of people who were carrying those guns. i'll show you right now. ♪ ♪ what are you carrying? >> i don't know if it's a number -- i believe it's an ar-15. >> trevor: do you like open carrying? >> yes. >> trevor: why. i feel responsible for protecting others because i'm the one that could provide protection with a gun. >> trevor: that's a lot of responsibility for you. you're 13. >> yeah. >> trevor: is that good for you guys, a 13-year-old carrying an ar-15? >> he's probably a better shot than i am. well, not true, not many people are better shot than i am. >> they used to draft 13-year-olds to play war games. >> trevor: in.

in your time. i think you're stuck in the past. >> trevor: oh, man! ( laughter ) that's where the moments you properly use the fact that you're white because i wouldn't make that joke to a guy holding a gun. ( laughter ) >> those are my people, the people holding a musket, clinging to the past, i know them. >> trevor: biewz you're out there talking to these people, is there anything they said that changed your mind? >> we often see the snapshot. we see the one thing we're outraged by. even guys carrying guns it's, like, urp clinging to your guns and injecting fear into a situation. i do believe that. i disagree with them politically, but you spend more time with a group of people, you realize they're doing it because they want to better the country. you spend time, have beer and understand a lot of people are dealing with the same problems, just in different ways. fink you give them space to make that point of view then you can't just throw the baby out with the bathwater and disregard the point of view they bring to the table. >> trevor: i'm excited for the show because this is doing what you do best. it's got a lot of heart, funny at the same time, and most

importantly it involves you suffering a shit ton. so thank you my friend. >> thank you, sir. >> trevor: jordan's new show kicks off may 9, 10:30 p.m. on comedy central. don't go away! charlize theron will be joining us right after this! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) sometimes, all you have to do is read the signs. miller lite has more taste, fewer calories, and half the carbs of bud light. what are you holding? miller lite. hold true. join chipotle rewards. whether in the restaurant,

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don't hate-like their trip, book yours with hotels.com and get rewarded basically everywhere. hotels.com. be there. do that. get rewarded. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: we welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an academy-award winning actor who stars in the new movie long lodge. >> i can't stop thinking about what -- what it would do for your legacy to endorse the first female president. i mean, wow... that's a legacy.

>> charlotte? hmm? i would like to endorse you to be the next president of the united states. >> i mean, if you think that's a good idea, sir, i trust you. i -- i'd be honored. >> i'm going to be pulling for team charlotte, right, because you have been a great secretary. >> of state. >> trevor: please welcome charlize theron! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> wow! >> trevor: welcome back to the show. >> thank you so much for having me. >> trevor: are you kidding? it's always a pleasure. and your new movie, we have to just jump straight into that, i was really impressed. >> thank you. >> trevor: because it's really funny and because you said you would never be in a rom-com.

you're not a rom-com kind of person. >> no, there needs to be, like, a death toll for me to even read a script. ( laughter ) >> trevor: that's, like, the front page. >> yeah. >> trevor: how many people die, i'm in. >> exactly. it's usually my bar. but, no, listen, i like the genre. >> trevor: right. hey're very hard to make, especially if you want to keep your promise of making something really funny and romantic. >> trevor: yes. and i think we delivered on both. >> trevor: it's a very familiar story, though, you play a secretary of state who is running to be the first woman president of the united states. >> very familiar story. >> trevor: yeah. i think that happened in sudan. ( laughter ) and in the movie, it's a really funny story, because you play alongside seth rogen, and you are basically a duo trying to make this thing happen. what's it like playing opposite him? is he as funny behind the scenes as he seems on camera? >> yes, he is really one of the

most -- he's probably the funniest person outside of june diane rafael, who's in this movie, too. >> trevor: right. she's one to have the funniest people. >> trevor: i've heard she's amazing. >> yeah, both of them have this natural ability to not just aggressively be on but just naturally funny at all times. >> trevor: you've done a rom-com, we've seen you in action, drama. musical? >> shakespeare? >> trevor: no, musical. oh, should i do musical? >> trevor: yeah. no, that's never going to happen. >> trevor: why not? because i cannot sing. >> trevor: find a way. mmm... >> trevor: no, you're the kind of person who knows and learns everything. did you know how to fight before you did atomic blonde? >> no, but i feel like you can learn -- there's a natural -- i don't have pitch. i don't have pitch. >> trevor: yes, but i feel like it's harder to learn how to fight because if you make a mistake in a song, your nose doesn't bleed. it's easier to learn. >> that's what happens when i sing.

>> trevor: when you sing your nosebleeds? >> and my limbbles limbs break. no, i'm dreadful. 20 years ago you could still lip sync but hugh jackman destroyed that. >> trevor: he's an amazing singer. >> now that's the bar. >> trevor: before you go, i have to talk about all the stuff that you're doing in the world with the charlize theron africa outreach project. many people don't know this, but i was able to travel with you to south africa. ( cheers and applause ) yes, an amazing project. i honestly was inspired to start my foundation because to have the work you were doing. i saw you going back home to south africa. i saw you working and changing people's lives on the ground, and now you've found a fun way to do it, fun for team to donate to charity, horrible for you because -- >> horrible for me. >> trevor: because if you want to sing karaoke with charlize, you can now. you're going to be doing karaoke for thempeople if they join in. it's for the charlize theron

outreach project and for the national domestic workers alliance. >> yes. >> trevor: what is that program? >> so i'm doing it with june diane rafael in the film who plays my chief of staff in the film and she's brilliant. we became really good friends. i don't know how it's going to turn out. but it's fun, for a good cause and go on the web site and come watch me torture myself. >> trevor: but so people understand what's happening, they get to go out and party with you, and you drink and you go karaoke. >> we're going to go to a coryoke bar and we're going to play a shot game -- >> oh,>> trevor: oh, wow, gettig drunk with charlize theron, are you kidding me? >> yes, it's really fun. there's no other way for me to do this. >> trevor: so karaoke is depressing? >> it's between smetting drunk or having a small lobotomy. those are the choices. the second one is better?

congratulations on the movie. "long shot" will be in theaters may 3rd. to enter a night out with charlize go to the web site! charlize theron, everybody! we'll be right back! ♪ two mermaids made a great tasting spiked seltzer. with 0 grams of sugar. and now, they're making it for you. my name is bailey and one day cj had to move away. let us know where you wind up. bailey, bailey when you come back the next time take care of cj. and then i was back. and i had a promise to keep. [ bark ] with each new life i would protect cj. [ bark ] where did you come from? loving people is my purpose but bringing them together that's my journey.

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join now ♪ sometimes the smallest gestures can be the most refreshing. give extra, get extra with new extra refreshers gum. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. before we go, before we go, philadelphia this weekend i'm bringing my arena tour to your city. i'm so excited. hopefully i'll see you at the show and please i won't be tbad mad if you bring me a cheese steak. for everyone else, see you monday. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> the name of the whale, ba ba captioned by media access g ♪