all: yeah. roll call. roll call. roll call. what? >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! i'm trevor noah! our guest tonight -- our guest tonight is a tremendous comedian kicking off his new world tour this week, eddie izzard is

joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, roy wood, jr. steals trump's lunch money, "game of thrones" travels into the future, and we'll find out which lucky country gets to go to war with america. first, let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick it off with some big news about a little baby. >> it's a boy for the duke and duchess of sussex. >> people across britain are celebrating the new baby who arrived past his due date. >> we had a baby boy early this morning, a very healthy boy. mother and baby are doing incredibly well. it's been the most amazing experience i could ever possibly imagine. how any woman does what they do is -- beyond comprehension. ( laughter ) but we're both absolutely thrilled. >> trevor: yes, congratulations to the royal family. this is such an exciting moment

for them and, also, for those two horse doctors who apparently delivered the baby. good work you two, good work. and let me just say, it was really nice to hear prince harry talking with such admiration for what megan wen went through. not only did he just watch his wife give birth, that's probably the first time harry's seen a family member perform labor of any kind. megan was doing this thing called sweating and i never heard of it but the doctor says it's quite normal. ( laughter ) since the new baby is biracial, there's been a lot of what his name should be. some people are saying he should have a traditional royal name but black people want his name like a name that reflects his african roots. i don't know what it's going to be but i think there should be a compromise. i think they should give him a boring white name, but then he gets to pronounce it with black flavor. that way when he's with his boring white friends he can be,

hello, my name is charles, but when he's with black friends, hey, what's up? this is chal-lez, what's going on? ( laughter ) >> north carolina's chelsly chris won the first u.s.a. pageant. black women won miss u.s.a., miss teen u.s.a. and miss america. >> trevor: yes, three, black beauty queens. that's amazing. that's really mazing. three. finally america is officially more horny than racist. it is cool america's pageants are embrace ago more inclusive idea of beauty because it makes a difference. though if you are very woke you're probably conflicted by the story because it is beautiful to see representation but it is still a beauty pageant which many people consider problematic. so how do you feel?

you know? it would be like finding out there's an all-woman terrorist group. yeah? on the one hand it would be, like, i hate territories, and then on the other hand, you go girls! ( laughter ) still, this is really good news, so congratulations to all of these winners, and this is great for america, though now i worry about the backlash because we've seen the story before -- the winners are black this year, and the next year the winners will be the three most racist women you've ever seen. will, like, i'm miss k.k.k. and my talent is blackface! ( laughter ) moving on to the kentucky derby. the biggest competition to see how weird americans with dress and also horses run at the same time. ( laughter ) and this year's race was even more exciting than most. >> we're going to begin this half hour with a stunning twist in the kentucky derby. for the first time in the race's 145-year history the horse that crossed the finish line first was disqualified for interference and country house,

a 65-to-one long-shot crown the champion. >> while one orest horse and jockey celebrated what they thought was a wirntion two opposing jockeys filed for objections saying the winning horse should be disqualified. the crowd was waiting an agonizing 22-minute review, all before they finally declared the 60 to one long shot country house as derby champion. >> trevor: wow! i did not realize there were so many rules to horse racing. you know who else didn't know that? the horses. ( laughter ) horses are not aware of most rules. it's one to have the reasons horses aren't allowed in strip clubs. they don't respect the no touching rule. and you know who i feel bad for is the people who bet on the first roars, the horse that won and got disqualified because 22 minutes is a long time to think you've won a lot of money. you know there was some dude at the bar who was, like, yeah! drinks on me!

i'm buying a ferrari! carol, it's me! let's get married, baby! what? disqualified? i think you got the wrong number. bye! and finally, moving on to some entertainment news, graham graham. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. last week, people complained that the episode was so dark they couldn't see anything. this week people are complaining that they saw too much. >> eagle-eyed "game of thrones" viewers spotted something out of place in winter fell. yes, that appears to be someone's starbucks cup in the shot. the cup is now a trending topic on twitter. is starbucks everywhere? >> trevor: oh, shit! forget the white walkers. the white gentrifiers are coming. next thing you know one bedroom in winter fell is 3-grand. that's why only three black people in the show, we all got priced out. ( laughter ) i love this.

i just feel bad for the intern who screwed up. because knowing "game of thrones" that intern is definitely getting his head cropped off. that's how it goes. also, why do we assume this is a mistake? they don't have starbucks! you can believe in a world where dragons are real but a to-go cup is too much? it's called the power of imagination. that's not the only thing. that's not the first time "game of thrones" used product placement. remember the scene from last season? ♪ ♪ >> face the rainbow! >> trevor: all right, let's move on to today's top story. america hasn't been involved in a war for years now. i mean, unless you count afghanistan and the iraq and yemen and, like, 11 other countries america has military operations in now but that's not like a war, war.

unless you live there. but not if you're from here. anyway, it feels like america is inching closer to an official war with any number of different countries. so we thought we would take a look at which country could win the honor in our brand-new segment "america's top battle." ( cheers and applause ) first up -- iran. america's nemesis and this year's $195 most popular spring break destination. ( laughter ) tensions have been rising with iran ever since president trump reneged on the nuclear deal, and now it looks like things may be reaching a breaking point. >> breaking overnight, the u.s. is sending an aircraft carrier and air force bombers to the middle east in response to a potential threat from iran. officials believe iran or third-party proxies have been planning an attack on the u.s. forces in the region. the u.s.s. abraham lincoln strike group is heading to the region. >> national security advisor

john bolton release ago statement overnight that any attack on united states interests or those of our allies will be met with unrelenting force. >> trevor: wow, unrelenting force. yeah, that is a major threat and an intense stephen segal movie. ( laughter ) now, this threat didn't come directly from the president. it came from john bolton, national security advisor and elderly mario brother. ( laughter ) and although he says this action is about recent tensions, if you look at his record, you will see that, for over a decade, he's repeatedly called for america to bomb iran, and ten years is a long time to have a beef. you realize ten years ago there were no marvel movies about women, and, now, there's one. ( laughter ) now, experts warn that america bombing iran would be really bad, right, because it could destabilize the entire middle east. the middle east is an unstable place to begin. with like you play an intense game of jenga and pick the hulk

for the next move. smash! that's why no one picks you. iran might be the next top battle. don't celebrate yet. there's another strong contender. >> u.s. secretary of state mike pompeo says all options are on the table including military action when it comes to handling the unrest in venezuela. >> the president has been crystal clear, military action is possible if that's what's required, that's what the united states will do. >> we want the venezuela people not to have interference from any country, whethershine, russia. you now have iranianso the ground n venezuela. the united states wants all other countries out of this nation -- ( laughter ) >> trevor: you know what i love about america? it's the only country that's willing to meddle in venezuela to make sure that no one meddles in venezuela. ( laughter ) america remind me of the guy at the bar who sees other guys hitting on a woman. hey, back off! can't you see she's not

interested? gee, sorry about all these douche bags. you want to get out of here? ( laughter ) ( applause ) so will america's next war be with iran or venezuela? well, it might be neither because, right now, donald trump is threatening another war over trade with china. >> trade trouble this morning. the president threatening to jack up tariffs on chinese goods and add new tariffs. trump threatening to increase tariffs on $200 billion in chinese goods to 25% from 10% starting this friday, and he warned he could tax nearly all of the roughly $500 billion of chinese exports to the u.s. the "wall street journal" reporting china is now considering pulling out of those talks. >> trevor: yes, two days before china was coming to negotiate at the white house, trump has jeopardized everything by threatening a new round of tariffs, and his argument is he's doing this to punish china

for taking advantage of america. but the truth is his tariffs will hurt american consumers first. this is a weird tactic. it would be like if brave heart said if we want to defeat the english, we have to stab gregory! wait, what? why me? would be like, don't worry, gregory, it's a tactic i learned from "out of the deal"! now be good lad and hand me my starbucks cup! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) so who's going to be america's next top battle -- iran, echina or venezuela? with president trump in charge, i wouldn't be shocked in it ends up being all three. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) what! she's zip lining with little jon?

it's lil jon. even he knows that. thanks, captain obvious. don't hate-like their trip, book yours with hotels.com and get rewarded basically everywhere. hotels.com. be there. do that. get rewarded. excuse me. for my friends and i?e not interested. hell. oh! you guys want to party like rockstars? welcome to ma's. the bar is open. this is so sick. [ phone buzzing ] you know where the party is. [ laughing ] how did she get our numbers? [ phone buzzing ] there's something off about ma. are you guys mad at me for something? why is my son spending time at your house? [ phone buzzing ] probably something wrong with me. [ screaming ] ma is crazy. let's get this party turned up. [ phone buzzing ]

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." president trump believes in a lot of things, the electoral college, twitter and, of course, junk food. ( laughter ) he loves junk food so much, he has now changed how american kids eat. roy wood, jr. has more. >> back in 2010, michelle obama took her biceps and broccoli and did something unforgivable -- >> i am thrilled to be here with all of you here today as my husband signs the healthy hunger-free kids act into law. >> the act changed the guidelines for school lunches forcing innocent children to eat more nutritious meals and they are not happy. >> angry students are tweeting

out cell phone pics of their lunches. thanks michelle obama. >> they're making school lunches agreesy again. >> the kids talked to me about how they didn't like the school meals anymore. and we can make school lunches great again. >> which means things like flavored chocolate milk will be back on the menu. >> that's right, in a bizarre twist, trump is once the here o changed nutritious back to delicious and all is right with the world again. but there's one flavor hater trying to roll back the rollbacks. meet margo butan, the vice president for nutrition for center of science and the public interest. she's also worked with the obamas on the healthy hunger free kids act. explain yourself. why are you taking good food away from the kids? >> we give the kids choice bus all the choices need to be healthy. >> that the not a choice! if a dude said, hey, do you want to be punched or kicked in the face? i would say i do not like either

of those choices. >> food can be delicious and still be healthy. come over to my house for dinner, i'll show you. >> hmm mmm. i've seen "get out." ( laughter ) when i was a kid we had lunches like this and i turned out fine. what are they changing in the menu? >> switching from fatty meats to leaner proteins. taking out the saturated fat, the trans and bringing down salt levels to -- >> you are a monster! it's not what you do to kids! the food is supposed to be tasty, terrible and make you fall asleep in biology class in fifth erperiod! >> actually, it's supposed to help you learn, not make them fall asleep. >> why would you do that? what's next? take regular seases away? >> we love recess. >> why don't you take away playing cards in the bedroom for five dollars a hand! this is outrageous. what as obama's a.c.t. done for anybody? >> childhood obesity will degrease by 2 million kids and save $800 million in healthcare

costs. >> where did you get that. >> from harvard. >> a dude named harvard? >> hartford school of public health. >> my bad. i know a dude name harvard and he be lying sometimes. margo was just getting started. >> three-quarters of the kids who get the school lunch come from low-income families, and their kids really rely on these meals as an important source of nutrition. >> okay, that's bad. but how much nutrition are they actually losing? >> so we have two school lunches. we have a whole grain bun versus a white flour bun, but we have carrots here and we have salty french fries here because trump is letting in more salt than was supposed to be. >> ain't nothing wrong with a couple of fries. potatoes grow in the ground like damn carrot. >> more salt in kids' diets means higher blood pressure in childhood which heads to hypertension, stroke, heart disease, heart attacks. this can likely have a big impact on children's long-term

health. ♪ >> somebody's got to go save the kids! if the government is going to keep putting politics before kids' health, then it'sum to me to infiltrate every school cafeteria yand change their eating habits ( whistle blowing ) listen uh up you maggots! i have been watching you kids secretly! ( laughter ) not watching you -- i have been watching you eat, your diet and i don't like what i have been seeing! so i am here to change your lives! ( laughter ) oh, hell, no. oh, hell, no. these kids were out of control. looks like it's time for them to meet sergeant tough love! hoorah! are you crazy? do you know how many calories is in that slice of pizza? you don't know nothing! look at me when i'm talking to you! don't look at me! you don't look nothing about nutrition. these kids need to be whipped

into shape! applesauce! no good food goes to waste on my watch. this is for your own good! now, everybody come over here and get an applesauce and a carrot. dip the carrot in the applesauce! these kids were in a food comba. it was time to wake them up. all right, listen up, everybody. i know hamburgers taste cooed and pizza and bacon-ators from wendy's with extra cheese -- i want one right now -- but that's not the point! the point is this administration is feeding us junk food to keep us lazy, fat and complacent so they can get away with whatever they want! so it's time that we show the government we will not go quietly into that tub of butter! nutrition now, nutrition tomorrow, nutrition forever! now, who's with me? ( screaming ) ( laughter )

they'rif throwing their junk fot me kept them from eating it, then i've done my job! mission accomplished! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: roy wood, jr., everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪you put your right arm in, you put your right arm out,♪ ♪you put your right arm in, and then you shake it all about♪ ♪you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around.♪ ♪that's what it's all about. ♪you put your whole self in, you put your whole self out,♪ ♪you put your whole self in, and you shake it all about.♪ ♪you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around.♪ ♪that's what it's all about. ♪that's what it's all about.♪ ♪that's what it's all about.♪

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a comedian, actor and political activist who kicks off the north american leg of his wunderbar tour this week. please welcome eddie izzard! ( cheers and applause ) ♪

welcome to the show, eddie. >> thank you. >> trevor: how are you? >> i am very good. >> trevor: you're looking good. >> well, i'm quite -- i do this running thing, which, you know -- i tell people i run because i run these marathons before but now i keep it topped off with high intensity interval trainings. >> trevortrainings. you sprint, recovery, sprint, recovery like lions and tigers in africa. that's what we used to do when we were wild. now we're more domesticated, cake and television. and so we don't do so much of that. but all the good sports and big sports, everyone loves football, sprint-recovery, sprint-recover and that's healthy, so, kids, do that. >> trevor: be like a tiger. >> yeah. >> trevor: the marathons, a lot of people may not know this about you, but you genuinely have run more marathons than most human position beings in

their lifetimes. you went to south africa to run 27 marathons in 27 days in honor of nelson mandela's 27 years in prison. ( cheers and applause ) and i remember seeing that as a south african and i was, like, wow, this is a little excessive. ( laughter ) i was, like, just remember him, just #we remember you. >> i didn't do enough at the time. i was a student at the time. apartheid was a long time ago. i didn't eat the fruit and i thought that's not enough so maybe i can make it up. >> trevor: yes. >> and the invickties poem which meant a lot to him, the film, and when opinion heard about the film, my dad said that was a nelson mandela poem, that's where it came from, and i thought, i'm going to run. >> trevor: you almost died doing this. >> technically. ( laughter ) you see, my -- i got

myellieties, which is not fun. i was in the hospital four or five days in east london and a very cool nephrologist, a kid my expert, said, why are you doing this? i'm saying, for nelson mandela. he says, the kidneys are fine. we'll put three litters into you and you will pee like a horse. i didn't pee once. >> trevor: because of how dehydrated you were. >> yes. >> trevor: you have this percent personality where when you set your sight on something, it's almost militaristic. when you missed a marathon, you ran two the next day. >> or the final day. >> trevor: again, excessive. but this is who eddie izzard is. for people who know and love your story, they love you becauseov that. you are somebody who's known not just for doing comedy but for

touring the world, doing comedy in how many languages it is. three. >> it's now four. i'm adding spanish. >> trevor: it's english, french. >> german. >> trevor: in germany, we were there together. we met, we were both at the same comedy club, eddie was testing his material downstairs, i was doing my show, and you came, and we were, like, this is so much fun. and i said are you doing it in german? you said, no. >> this was in berlin. why would i do that? and your dad speaks german. >> trevor: yes. but why is that so important to you? you don't do it as a gimmick. it's who you are. >> it's political. i want to stand as a measurement of parliament in my country for next year. i've said this for nine years i was going to stand in 2020, and this is an underlying political thing. it's hand aids cross borders. the astronauts said it, the russian or americans, when they went up and looked back, there are no frontiers. we made these frontiers.

i am saying this is the key century, the 21st century, i'm going to my show in different languages and that makes the melting pot melt because we are all human. we have spent so many wars about killing each other -- ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: when you do your comedy in another language, like, i don't do it as extensively, i'll write a joke in another language, you do the whole show in another language and impercent yourself in that language. do you think there's something in learning the other language that changes how you perceive people no speak another language? >> you think, they're the same as us. some laugh, some don't, some say that's rubbish. ( laughter ) they have the same quirks as us. we sea the germans, chinese, friender are this or that, they're not. they're all families, kids, a better life, working hard.

we need to make it this century, a melting pot. america is a great country and we need to make the world a melting pot. i feel we have to be brave and curious or fearful and suspicious, and i'm trying to be drive and curious. >> trevor: you are doing that years ago when we met, did was kind enough to present my show in edinboro because people said if eddie vouches for you, we'll let you in. actually, the funniest moment was we were taking a photo together. this was in edinboro. and we knew each other. we were close friends. eddie is standing next to me in the picture and everyone is taking pictures of us together. eddie says out of the corner of his mouth, you better not kill someone or do some crazy shit because now i'm tied to you forever. ( laughter )

( cheers and applause ) >> i don't actually remember saying that, but what i do remember thinking is i want tone courage young people to go -- people younger than myself to be successful -- not too successful, you're on the borderline of being too successful -- this is rather annoying! ( laughter ) >> trevor: thank you so much for being on the show, man. i love you so much and i appreciate you. the tour tour tarts may 8 knowledge nashville, for tickets to the show go to eddie izzard.com. eddie izzard, everybody. we'll be right back! we're jack daniel's. ♪

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: and that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> the expression goes i scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. but if it has listeria, we're not screaming for ice cream, we're screaming at ice cream.

innocent, beautiful, delicious ice cream. i just had cocoa dulce doleche in one ice cream yesterday. i hope i'm okay. ( sinister music ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ [ cheers and applause ] good evening! welcome to "the jim jefferies show." "avengers: endgame" just had the biggest opening weekend in movie history. and i know a lot of people haven't seen it and are worried about spoilers. but our show's got a lot going on, as well! so if you're watching this on the east coast, don't tell your west coast friends what's gonna happen. but i'll -- i'll give you a little teaser. tonight, i'm gonna kill one of me staff members. will it be my assistant, jack? or will it be my script supervisor, captain america? let's get the show started.