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than his buddy and business partner lebron james ever was. [gentle orchestral music] give me josh freeman, who was the 17th pick in the first round, over cam newton. why shouldn't i, as a white person, be able to take some pride in blake griffin's rise? because he did come from a white mom. it is a huge mistake on the part of peyton manning. he chose the worst situation to win now. tim tebow is virtually unstoppable and maybe even a starting quarterback for bill belichick. ♪ - all right, he's not really dead dead; he's just moving to fox sports. so to honor his memory, i thought we should read some of his most egregious tweets, which have since been deleted. these are the lost tweets of skip bayless. here's the first tweet he ever sent out in 1989 when twitter was still in beta phase:

"michael jordan is a ball hog. "he will never win an nba championship with his style of play." 2006: "bin laden is dead. that's a wrap on #islamicextremism!" well, okay. well, when did he send that tweet out? yesterday, all right. ricardo, tell the studio audience what they'll be going home with tonight. who needs the fda? it's bags of street fruit slathered in zesty cayenne pepper! muy refrescante! good night. [applause] >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪

>> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! thank you for coming out! thank you so much, everybody! i'm trevor noah! our guest tonight -- our guest tonight is a former senior advisor to president obama and she's out with a new book about her journey to the west wing, valerie jarrett is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) also, coming up on tonight's show, all the animals are dying, uber vs. new york taxies and nobody gets to see trump's taxes. first, let's catch up on today's headlines. planet earth. unfortunately, after 7 billion seasons, it's about to be canceled. >> there is a dire warning tonight from climate scientists. they say 1 million of the earth's 8 million planet animal species are now at eminent risk

of extinction. >> the report released today in paris identified how humans are causing extension at a rate never before seen in human history. >> trevor: good lord, 1 million species are in danger of going extinct. that's such a crazy -- that's so many deaths. even the creators of "game of thrones" would be, like, jeez, guys, pump the breaks. maybe throw in a sex scene or two. come on! ( laughter ) but this news the terrible. unless huge actively cut down on carbon emissions, overfishing and deforestation, a massive extinction is inevitable. which is depressing. but if we had to find a silver lining, i am excited to see a million species checking off their bucket lists, you know. polar bears bungee jumping off the grand canyon. elephants finally telling their crushes they're in love, and, of course, sea turtles finally gathering the courage to meet their birth parents -- ah, ah, i

found you, papa! ( laughter ) you realize all the animals will be dead and only humans will be left. at some point we'll decide which people have to act like animals because we still need to see animals. seth rogen is a polar bear. miley cyrus, ally ma. and snoop dogg, obviously, you are a cat. now i know a lot of people would think you would be a dog because of your name, but if you pay attention to a cat's personality, they're exactly like snoop. every cat seems like it smokes weed and listens to hip-hop all day. they've got a chilled vibe about them. you going to jump for this treat? why don't you drop it like it's hot. i say meow, mother (~bleep ) meow. ( laughter ) now, before you start mourning all the animals going extinct, the good news is there are some

dead animals that are coming back. >> wendy's is bringing with back its spicey chickn nuggets thanks to rap clans the rapper in twitter. he tweeted wendy's will bring back spicey nuggets at some point, please lord let it be today. wendy's say it will bring them back if their tweet got 2 million likes. wendy's tweeted monday morning this is not a drill, spicey chickn nuggets are coming back. >> trevor: that's right! thanks to chance the rapper, wendy's is bringing back spicey chickn nuggets. and you know what? it's great to see a celebrity take on a cause that's actually attainable for a change. you've got bono running around the world trying to end poverty. chance the rapper is, like, let's bring back the number five. i like that. as much as i like spicey nuggets, wendy's is making it like they're doing us the favor. we're still going to buy the

nuggets. they're not giving them to us for free. wendy's are, like, okay, since you asked for it, we'll sell you something! i don't understand why we have to beg fast-food chains to bring back the foods we like. we want the mcrib. no, you're going to have the filet of fish, yeah, and you're going to like it. i hope this fish goes extinct. ( laughter ) a crazy idea, i say this, fast-food chains, why don't you just keep the food we like? a crazy idea, i know. but we're the customers, so just let us choose. we just choose which foods to keep, except for burger king. that's a monarchy so they make their own rules. and congratulations, your imaginyourmajesty, on the royal. well done. in the headlines, in the intelligence world of sports, a major controversy is swirling around the south african runner

caster. >> she will be forced to medicate if she wants to compete in south african events. she lost her appeals from track's governing body designed to decrease naturally high testosterone levels in some female runners. a panel of judges says the rules are discriminatory but necessary to preserve the integrity of female athletics. >> trevor: as a south african i might be biased but this is some bullshit. how is the i.a.a.f. going to force a woman to chemically alter her natural hormones because she's too good. she didn't change her body, she just has a natural advantage, which is what happens in all sports. people are, like, but she's hyper hi drojous. they're often a people who have a unique advantage that gives them an edge.

michael phelps' body produces half the lactic as id as most people and gives him more endurance. they said he's lucky. they didn't say you've got to change yourself and get tired before the race, michael phelps. ( laughter ) every elite athlete has some special advantage. if tanya harding wasn't born in a trailer park, she wouldn't have known that hit man, hmm? ( laughter ) every athlete has an advantage. shaq is so tall he can put a ball in a hoop without jumping. how is that fair? forget basketball, he could be the world's best nhl goalie just by sitting there. by this logic shaq should inject himself with kevin hart to shrink himself down. not fair you're too big. okay, i'm going to take a big injection to make myself smaller -- mm, new plan, pass the ball, mm, that's right, baby! let's move on to today's top

story. ( cheers and applause ) washington, d.c. a few years ago, it was as exciting as a radio show about podcasts. but these days, there's so much news coming out of the nation's capital, the hire hose of news has continued to flow. about a month ago democrats in congress demand president trump's tax returns from the i.r.s., but last night steve mnuchin, treasury secretary and grown up mclovin, told the democrats they can go to hell. >> breaking news tonight, treasury secretary steven mnuchin just sent house democrats a letter refusing their demand to turn over president trump's tax returns. >> treasury secretary steven mnuchin refusing to hand over president trump's personal and business tax returns to the house, ways and means committee. in a let tore chairman rism mcneil, mnuchin writing he decided treasury can't give the documents determining the committee's request lacks a legitimate legislative purpose. >> trevor: in case you're

lost, mnuchin is saying the i.r.s. won't hand over trump's tax returns because the democrats have invented a fake reason to see them. but here's the thing, many legal experts say that the law is on the democrats' side. if they have a reason, they get to demand trump's tax returns. it doesn't matter if you think the reason is bullshit. that's just how it works. that's how america's laws work. it's the same way a president can declare an emergency at the border just to get his wall. it subject have to be a real emergency, it can be just, folks, these mexicans, so dangerous some of them can even come back from the dead into our land. i saw it in a documentary called cocoa. sorry, folks. so dangerous! ( cheers and applause ) so dangerous. and it turns out, this full-grown ve ventriloquist dumy isn't the only trump official in trouble with congress now.

>> house judiciary chair jerry nadler considered for contempt of congress for attorney general william barr scheduling a vote tomorrow after barr refused to provide the full unredacted mueller report by monday. >> don mcghan also face add deadline to turn over documents or to face a contempt of congress vote. >> contempt means going to the courts and where we've seen that occur in the past, it can take months and months. if we go back in history, congress has an inherent contempt authority. there's a jail in the congress, in the capitol. the believed send out capitol police or u.s. marshals and arrest the attorney general, in theory, and put him in jail. >> trevor: yeah, that human muppet is right. ( laughter ) the house democrats on the verge of holding the attorney general in contempt of congress, which means, technically, he could get arrested, and i know it's extremely unlikely, but, man, wouldn't that be exciting? wouldn't it be exciting if this

whole thing ends in a standoff in the white house, the capitol police storming the oval office, trump and people taking a final stand like scarface, and trump pulls out a hidn jeff sessions, say hello to my little friend! am i the only one who didn't know congress has a jail? i feel like congress is telling us everything about america. a congress jail. i bet the shankings get filibustered. i'm about to tap yo ass! you need a supermajority for that! ( laughter ) that's the drama happening inside the white house now. but the action of this administration spreads far and wide. >> teachers across the country including here in arizona walked out of classrooms demanding changes such as higher pay, smaller class sizes and more classroom funding. betsy devos says teachers are walking off the job too often and protests should be done on

"adult time" not the students' time. >> trevor: now i can see why betsy devos is the head of education. she's a genius, yeah. that's a good question. why don't people strike when they're not on the job? ( laughter ) it would be so much less disruptive. yeah! get the (~bleep ) out of here, man! what does that mean? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) if you do it during your spare time, it's not a strike, it's just a hobby. okay? ( laughter ) the whole point of a protest is to make those in pow winner comfortable. civil rights protesters s.a.t. the counters -- sat at the counters to challenge segregation. it wouldn't have been the same if black people said, we going to sit at the counters? no, order on seamless. ding-dong! he's here! surprise, i'm black! yeah, change is coming! oh, no, i ordered the mcribs! this is the filet of fish!

damn it! ( laughter ) in the last two days treasury secretary is reject ago request from congress. attorney general might get locked up and betsy devos say teachers need to protest during adult time -- which is a weird phrase. during your adult time? sounds like she's telling them to protest during sex, like teachers are going to be in bed at night and someone says, tell me what you want, baby. i just want to be paid a fair wage for educating the children of america. you're so sexy. -- your so sexy. actually it's you're so sexy. ( laughter ) we'll be right back. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) what! she's zip lining with little jon? it's lil jon. even he knows that. thanks, captain obvious. don't hate-like their trip, book yours with hotels.com

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welcome back to "the daily show." oober and ride sharing companies have been a feature of life we can't live without. tomorrow morning we'll find out what it would be like to live without them as drivers across the country go on strike. the ride share drivers are demanding better pay and working conditions. but in new york city a group of people wouldn't mind if they went away for good. old school taxi drivers. desi lydic hailed a ride. >> taxicabs, they've always been an integral part of new york culture. hey, i'm walking here! i'm walking here! i love them. and they love me. hey, limp dick! move! ( honking ) >> hey, come on, let's go, what the (~bleep ). >> you've got someone in the back whose special!

but now this new york icon is under threat and who's to blame? rhymes with goober. >> started going down the day uber came to gown. >> and it's lyft, get, juneau. >> i would say the business is down to about 50%. at least. >> i'm sorry, i can't hear you because there are no shock absorbers in this vehicle. >> you have potholes up and down the street here. >> i can't hear a thing you're saying because of the potholes. in order for cab drivers to operate, they need to invest in a medallion which until recently had significant value. >> owning a medallion was like a seat on the stock exchange, something you pass to your children. >> at this rate, taxies could be extinct. he has a hiring power. >> i have a priest on the lower side, at least once a day i go by and he's praying that the price of the medallion is going to go up. father pat, let's go!

there's a medallion. if you can bless it. ( laughter ) >> me, me, bless me. you can bless me. >> father, son, holy spirit, amen. >> oh, oh. burns. it burns. things have to be pretty bad when you resort to having a priest pray for your taxi. but the value of the medallion went down 88% in four years. it's possible cabs have added to the decline. people had totally valid concerns about cabs for years. uber, despite negative press, is super quick and efficient. and it's not just passengers switching. drivers are switching too. what's your name again? >> you can call me easy. >> that was my mick name in high school. >> that's great. so you are easy, too? >> that's what they say. >> easy was a cab driver for nine years before he game an uber driver. >> i went to uber because i want to be safe.

>> you have laffey taffies? >> not to be in dangerous. the good thing about uber, too, is that -- you going to finish all the candy? >> what? >> leave some for the other clients. come on. that's mean. you will never get a good rating. >> you know what i love about oobers? >> what? >> no glass. >> oh, okay. can you please sit back? please? please? >> i can even steer from back here. >> oh, my god. don't stuff my stuff. please don't touch my stuff. can you please sit back? can you please? >> i got it. i gid it. >> okay. thank you. thank you. ( honking ) please, just be quiet for a little bit, please. ( sneezing ) >> oh, my god. there is wipes -- wipes in the back for the disease and -- ( laughter ) you know. >> i'll figure it out. >> that's it. that's it. can you leave the car?

take your coffee and go. thank you. that's it. i'm done. no, no, no, no. you are not taking my candy. you are not taking my candy. come here. give me the candy! >> cub uber is not what it's cracked up to be. you borrow candy from a driver and your rating is unredeemable. that's what's great about taxies, no rating system. >> we always rated each other. i can say go (~bleep ) yourself, and i feel good and you feel good and we're on your way. >> i thought it was a new yorker's way of saying have a nice day. >> that's because they didn't like you as passenger and -- >> i am a perfectly pleasant passenger! i'm easy to be around! i'm polite! i'm white! what more do you want from me? >> listen, in a yellow cap, you don't get rated, what is better than that? >> what is better than that? i can't imagine a cabless world without guys like john in the front seat. after all, he's more than a cabbie, he's my friend. thanks, john.

>> hey -- go (~bleep ) yourself. >> you, too. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: desi lydic, everyone. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) it's about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. they got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. (chuckling) or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. (laughing) or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. (laughing) left and right twix® packs. it's time to deside. do you battery sound. want a charge? yeah

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a former senior advisor to president barack obama, a businesswoman, a public ser vapt and now a "new york times" best-selling author. her new memoir is called "finding my voice: my journey to the west wing and the path forward." please welcome valerie jarrett. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> hello, everybody! oh, my goodness!

you always have the best studio audience. >> trevor: these are the best human beings. are you kidding me? ( cheers and applause ) i wish there were rewards for audiences, we would win an emmy for best audience. that's what we should get. >> i think so. >> trevor: welcome back. how are you doing? >> great. it's good to be back. looking forward to it. >> trevor: i have genuinely not known as much as i thought i knew about your life. you know, you've always -- >> that's the point. >> trevor: you've always lived with your life in the public eye but writing this book and i guess getting to read it taught me new things about you as a person. for instance, many people may know that you were born in iran and people may know that your dad was a doctor there, but i didn't know why your dad was a doctor in iran. >> yeah, because he couldn't get a job as a brach doctor in the 50s at a major academic institution here in the united states, and he and my mom decided to explore outside of the united states and see if there was a better opportunity, and the best opportunity he found was helping to start a hospital in sharaz, iran. i was the second baby born in

the hospital. they practiced on another kid first. we aren't sure exactly what happened to that kid, but that's what happened in. a sense, he took me over the color line with my mom before i was born, and i was born in a world where i lived in a hospital compound from people all over the world. >> trevor: right. it feels like that is the beginning and the defining characteristic of your story. your journey seems to be a journey of overcoming obstacles, finding ways to get a better advantage or a better opportunity for yourself as a black woman, and that has made you who you are today. do you see your life as a journey of climb ago mountain constantly? >> yeah, but it's also a zigzag. i think i started out playing it safe, practicing law at a big law firm and doing what everybody thought i should. it wasn't until i started listening to the quiet voice inside that i served outside my comfort zone and worked in local government because i wanted to

be part of something bigger than myself, actually. >> trevor: right. >> and it felt good. it was terrifying and exhilarating. the adventure is in the swerve, the zigzag, not the straight boring line. >> trevor: that's beautiful. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. >> you swerved big time. >> trevor: because of life, but my little voice just tells me to eat more cookies. ( laughter ) you go into law and, as you say, you're not fulfilled, but you're really good at it. and then your world takes you into public service, and through these journeys, step by step, you then come across a young lady by the name michelle obama. >> michelle robinson. >> trevor: she is always been an obama in my head. >> no, she was a bad-ass in her own right. >> trevor: right. she really was. that's a thing a lot of people don't realize is she was kicking ass in her own world. you hired her. what did you see in her? >> oh, my gosh.

maturity beyond her years, intelligence. she saw her resume sitting on my desk. she never mentioned that. she told me her story, made me human and started asking me questions that i didn't have the answer to. i'm, like, i just got this promotion. i'm trying to hire you. don't you want to work in the mayor's office? and she was, like, no, i have questions. >> trevor: phenomenal. >> i offer her a job because she waso impressive. and she was, like, aaaah, i'll get back to you. ( laughter ) and when she got back with me she said my fiancé doesn't think it's a good idea. i said, why do we care what he thinks? she said his name is barack obama and is starting his his cr as a community organizer and he's worried about me going into the mayor's office without background. she said would you have dinner with me and talk about it?

and i said yes. that was smart on my part. >> trevor: you can't read this book and not think about how many small decisions impacted the white house and america's history forever because your conversation with them in many ways leads to their conversations and their life decisions going forward. you're all on this journey together now. it's yourself and the obamas, and you're heading toward the white house. when you get there, because i don't want to spoil those parts of the book. >> don't spoil it. >> trevor: it's amazing. when you get to the white house, what i likely enjoyed in the book is how you now face challenges within a white house that loves you, and you have to speak to the president and say, hey, this environment is not the best that it could be for women and women's voices. that was a powerful moment for me to read. i was, like, you just assume barack obama had it perfect but he didn't and you worked on correcting that. >> you start out with an environment and built a culture. everybody comes to the table with their own package and i noticed some of the women's voices were shrinking.

i mentioned it to him and he said that's not acceptable. he said, i want everyone to speak up because i value your opinions. he invited them to dinner and said if you're not speak up, it's not about you, it's about helping me make the best possible decisions. you have to take the time to listen to each other, hear each other and best trust. over time, one of the comments president obama made is we went from having the best players on the field to the best team. and of that we're all very proud. >> trevor: before i let you go. the book tells us where you tame from, where you got to, but now the future, what does it hold? once you've worked in the white house, who do you advise after that? >> myself is who i'm really advising now. i did a gut check. i said what do i care most about? i care about gender equity, criminal justice reform and ending gun violence, and i care about civic engagement. so mrs. obama organized when we all vote which is a

not-for-profit, nonpartisan entity last summer and i chair that board. i want to convince everybody out there you have a stake in this democracy, and the most basic step is voting. >> if anyone wants to get to where you are, they have a manual on how to do it. thank you for coming to the show. wonderful having you again. "finding my voice" is available now. valerie jarrett, everybody. we'll be right back ( cheers and applause ) ♪ anyone can stick a lime in a beer. at sam adams, we brew with lime, plus lemon, orange zest, summer wheat, and grains of paradise, for a new lighter and brighter summer ale. sorry, lime wedge. we've got this. sam adams summer ale. sorry, lime wedge. we've got this. hey, this one looks like a chmm...on. i don't see it. oh.. it's on. ♪ oh, now i see it. stylish. what do you see in your cheetos?