am en, just keep the ribs coming. [chuckling] >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! we're back! thank you so much for tuning in! thank you for coming out! yeah! oh, yeah! i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight -- our guest tonight is a senator from new york and a candidate for president of the united states, kirsten gillibrand is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, bill deblasio wants to be the mayor of america. we find a solution to end all

student debt, and it's never ladies yieght knight in alabama. first, let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick it off with a story everyone is talking about. "game of thrones" ( cheers and applause ) last night was the big series finale. some are taking it hard. >> it has been a long and at times frustrating season for "game of thrones." you might need someone to talk to. bark.com is offering therapy sessions, viewers, if you need to complain about the potholes, have trouble with tend org just need help in the absence of your favorite show, the site promises to find a professional for you -- >> trevor: yes, that's right, a web site is offering therapy -- therapy sessions forf "game of thrones." ( laughter )

let me just say, people, if you need therapy because a tv show ended, your life is too good, okay? ( laughter ) i'm going to tell you straight, you don't need a therapist, you need some credit card debt and an s.t.d. take your mind right off that series finale. ( applause ) i also hope the therapy session are private because you're going to look like a dick if you're in a therapy session and someone says, i got addicted after my wife left. and you say, i didn't like john snow's story line. ( laughter ) a surprise ending at morehouse college. >> robert smith surprised graduating seniors at college college by telling them his family would wipe audit all their student debt, an estimated $40 million for 400 students. >> my family is making a grant

to eliminate their student loans. >> trevor: wow! he's going to pay off 400 kids' student debt. $40 million! that is amazing. do i feel bad for that one kid who worked his way through school so that he wouldn't have loans, yeah, because you know he was at the ceremony going, you guys wasted all the time partying and some of us scrubbed toilets to be debt free and now i'm -- wait, what? ( laughter ) it's like going to a group dinner, your friends are ordering caviar, and you said i'll just have bread sticks. at the end someone says, the dinner was on me! and you're like -- ( laughter ) and also, can we admit that although this was fantastic, this billionaire has ruined commencement speeches forever? yeah, good luck being next year's speaker. it will be like and, finally, i want to say, always follow your dreams.

and... ? and believe in yourself. and... ? well, that's it. boo! ( laughter ) this also probably pisses off other billionaires if you think about it because now the expectation is they will pay tuition at any college they go to. you will look bad if you don't. they will speak at cheaper colleges. bill gates will be, like, it's an honor to be addressing the hackensack online beauty academy. here's your 150 bucks. ( laughter ) uber is under prior pressure to make profits now that it's a public company. it has a brand-new feature. >> if your uber driver is too chatty, you can use a feature in the uber black service. they're called quiet, preferred. or if you're feeling happy you can select happy to chat. >> trevor: yes, you can select happy to chat or quiet mode on

the app. i'll will honest. knowing uber drivers, i don't think it's going to make a difference. you're going to get in the car and the driver's going to be, like, so, i see you chose quiet mode, yeah? that's a good option, yeah. so many drivers, they talk, talk, talk, talk, never leave you alone! wish everything in life had quiet mode like my children and my life, hey, yeah? no. i mean, yeah. so this is your first time using quiet mode, yeah? ( laughter ) ( applause ) but don't forget, you only get quiet mode if you take uber black, which is the luxury service. yeah, luckily, though, uber has unveiled new features for uber x, like they have a new mode called don't stab me. yeah, that's a nice feature. and finally, some news coming out of my home country, south africa. >> a bizarre chapter for arnold schwarzenegger, decided not to press charges against the man

who develop kicked him in the back in south africa. >> 70-year-old arnold schwarzenegger proving it's still a bad idea to mess with the governator. one man at the forts festival in south africa learned that the hard way after landing a hard kick into schwarzenegger's back. you see despite the attack irtaking a running start, arnold barely moved unphased. ( laughter ) >> trevor: what the (~bleep )? ( laughter ) i know this was funny for some people but i'm not going to lie. as a south african i was super pissed off. first of all, thanks to that guy, now we're the country that drop kicked the terminator, okay? what's worse is arnold barely even moved so now we look like we can't even kick right. makes the whole country look bad. you know people were texting me after this shit happened -- hey, trevor, did you see this kick? is that a normal thing in south

africa? yeah, guys, no, it's tradition, that's what we do in south africa, we just drop kick all the celebrities that show up. you remember when bill clinton came to south africa, nelson mandela said drop kicked him and said, where i come from, south africa -- that's it. moving on to our top story. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ever since president trump appointed a fifth conservative justice to the supreme court, there are two questions everyone has been asking. one, did justice ginsburg take her vitamins today, and, two, when will conservatives try to use the new courts to overturn roe v. wade. we don't know about the vitamins but in the past few weeks conservative lawmakers have maze their move. >> the abortion flashpoint across the country, a wave of new restrictions gaining speed in states.

>> georgia, alabama, passing strict anti-abortion laws. >> alabama effectively banning abortion. under the law, doctors could now face 99 years in prison for performing an abortion. >> signing the abortion fill governor kay ivey says it stands to a powerful testament to alabamians deeply held belief that riff life is precious and a sacred gift from god. >> trevor: i'm not going to lie, america is a really confusing place because they're supposed to be a separation between church and state, right? but this governor is literally signing an anti-abortion law in god's name which is likely weird because i've read the bible, too, and as much as god loved children, he also wasn't afraid to take out a bunch of kids when he wanted to. when the egyptians refused to release the israel lites, god sent locust and frogs and, when they didn't listen, he killed their firstborn sons, which is quite the escalation. you have to admit. if my neighbor was making noise,

flogs! locust! they didn't listen, all right, your son's gone, man, it's over. ( laughter ) obviously, a lot of people are pissed off because these extreme laws are passed in alabama. it didn't help that the lawmakers who put the abortion restrictions in place happened to be the biggest sausage fest ever. for real, 25 men passed this abortion law, passed it through the alabama senate. these are the people deciding what women in alabama can do with their own bodies, which is crazy because none of the men will be pregnant. how are they writing the laws? it's like if the amish wrote laws on cybersecurity. you don't know what you're talking about! ( cheers and applause ) yeah, i'm going to write all of the laws -- you see every computer should have an angry goat in front of it to scare away the demons. stay in your lane, amish people! ( laughter ) now, it's no secret these are some to have the most extreme abortion laws america has ever

seen. alabama and missouri have made abortion a crime even in the cases of rape and incest and, for some republicans, this is a step too far. >> president trump tweeting this weekend, for those who would like to know, i am strongly pro-life with the three exceptions, rape, incest and protecting the life of the mother, the same position taken by ronald reagan. >> i don't support the alabama law. i believe there ought to be exceptions on pro-life but exceptions for rape, incest and where the life of the mother is at risk. >> trevor: what's crazy, three weeks ago, temperature and romney's position on abortion were extreme. but thanks to alabama and missouri these guys get to act like feminists. no, i'm on the side of the woman except these three cases, every time it should be against the law, i'm reasonable. three exceptions is still bull shivment you're still taking away a woman's right to choose. it's as simple as that. it's not reasonable. it seems reasonable by comparison. ( applause ) it's like if one bully

threatened to beat me up, steal my lunch and give me a wedgie and another bully steps in, hey, the reggie is too far! ( laughter ) yeah, he's reasonable. as it stands, these bills have been signed into law which means the courts have to decide if they're constitutional and there's a good chance it will go up to the newly conservative supreme court. yes, so if you're a woman in america right now who wants to be in control of her own body, this is a scary time. luckily, there is one law firm in town that might have found a way to protect your uterus. >> i'm desi lydic. >> i'm dulce sloan. >> we're attorneys at law. >> just don't google that. >> right now republicans are trying to legislate what a woman can or cannot do with your body. if you're a woman, you might feel your only option are to leave the country or marry your vibrator. >> mine is named jorge. >> my law firm has a better ypped. >> incorporate that pussy.

>> rights, because corporations are one thing lawmakers don't want to regulate so we'll tun our business into their business. baby maker to money maker. >> regulating your vagina. >> it's a business man. >> here's a tax cut. >> call us today and make sure your private sector stays private. >> we're talking about the vag. >> and all the other stuff. >> everything but the butt. >> trevor: desi lydic and dulce sloan, everybody, we'll be right back! right back! ( cheers and applause ) the 2 for 5 mix and match deal choose from some of your all-time favorites. ♪ but hurry in. 2 for $5 mix & match won't be here much longer. ♪ ba da ba ba ba at sam adams, we brew with lime, plus lemon, orange zest, summer wheat, and grains of paradise,

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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." we are now only 532 days away from the 2020 presidential election, which is barely enough time to reshoot the entire final season of "game of thrones." ( laughter ) it's also enough time to catch up on the d. j. race with another installment of world war d. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: it's no secret that there are already a ton of democrats running for president but if you were holding out for a candidate named steve, you're in luck. >> another democrat has entered the presidential race. in a video released this morning, montana governor steve bullock announced his bid for 2020 high lighting the fact he is the only candidate in the

field to have won in a red state. >> for the uninitiated, who is steve bullock? >> trevor: the first question is who is steve bullock? the second question is, wait, who is steve bullock? ( laughter ) the third question, is are you sure he's not michael bennett? who is this guy? ( laughter ) at this point running for president feels less like a serious political endeavor and more like a viral internet challenge. i'm running for president and challenging phil to do the same thing! yeah! now i'll eat a tide pod! whoo! ( laughter ) the number of candidates is now up to 23, if case you've lost count. which sin sane. rook at all those faces! ( laughter ) now the democrats vef one, a black woman, white woman, white men, black man, asian man, and at 6'5", a giant. >> new york city mayor bill deblasio joined the race for

presidential. >> in a quinnipiac poll 76% of new yorkers say they do not think he should run for president. every party, age, racial and borough group listed in that agree on that. >> i personally would not vote for him. >> i think he should have announced on the first of april. >> why is that? >> because it would have been a good april fool's day joke. ( laughter ) >> i'm sorry, i didn't mean to say that out loud. >> trevor: wow, that's depressing, man. everyone thinks mayor deblasio shouldn't run for president. on the up side, he found a way to bring new yorkers together. even pedestrianens are saying, i'm walking over here! shove it, pal! you know what to shove? deblasio becoming president. i totally agree. let's get pizza. (~bleep ) you, pal. but not as hard as we (~bleep )

deblasio, yeah! ( cheers and applause ) so bill deblasio has decided to squeeze his way into the crowded field. he's used to squeezing into broken systems that have no room for him. not just new yorkers. even deblasio's fellow democrats don't take him seriously. >> madam speaker since you talked about sop many presidents, how do you feel about bill deblasio running for president? ( laughter ) >> trevor: okay. i'm not a professional pollster, but that is not a reaction you want to hear ever. if you ask your doctor am i going to make it and they laugh like that, you've got to dreet your porn and update your will, in that order. the weirdest part, though, is deblasio does have a decent record to run on. he passed universal pre-k, he cut back on stop and frisk, he implemented a $15 minimum wage and legalized the sale of mackic

beans even though the beak stalks pose app threat to him personally. many argue he's not perfect. during his time as mayor, homelessness is up in new york. face add bribery scandal. on groundhog day in 2014, he accident ridropped a groundhog, then it died days later. was it the fall that killed the groundhog? we don't know. the groundhog is still falling, that's how tall deblasio is. personally, i think it was an accident and i don't think we should hold it against him. on the other hand, i have a few new york parking city tickets that are bullshit, so i made this attack ad. ♪ >> bill deblasio says he's a bright future for america, but he has his own dark past. >> is the mayor of new york a groundhog killer? >> the mayor dropped the groundhog during a ceremony at the staten island zoo.

>> accusations of a coverup surrounding mayor deblasio. >> chuck was found dead in his cage a week later. >> can we trust a man with a nuclear button if we can't trust him with land beavers? bill deblasio, bad for america, worse for groundhogs. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a member of the u.s. senate and democratic presidential candidate. please welcome new york senator kristen gillibrand. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> hi. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to the show, senator. >> thank you. >> trevor: what a time to have you on. in the past week or so, it has felt like there has been an onslaught on women's rights in america. is it an overreaction people are having when they say this feels like the beginning of the end, or is it truly a dire situation for women to be in? >> it is truly a dire situation. it's been an all-out attack. 30 states have tried to pass laws or are passing laws or have passed laws to undermine women's reproductive freedom, and they're trying to take away women's civil rights and our

human rights, and their goal is to overturn roe v. wade. >> trevor: right. >> and it's something president trump is doing and the republican party, and they don't want women to make the most intimate personal life and death decisions for their own bodies and their own families. >> trevor: as a lawmaker, do you have an insight into how this has become so politicized? because it feels like, at one point in america, it really did feel like it was between a woman and her dofnlgt reagan said it's independent --and her doctor. reagan said it was intimate. >> president trump has emboldened right wing americans with the nomination of justice gorsuch and kavanaugh. it's something he ran on and said he would do and it's exactly what he's doing. he's basically taking away our basic human rights to make the decisions of when we should have

children and how many and they're criminalizing women's decisions and the doctors that prove that did care. >> trevor: when you look at the lawmakers, people criticized the idea 25 men could create a law that literally will never affect their bodies. do you think there's a new way we could think about making laws where we go, like, maybe some laws shouldn't be written by men because men have no clue about what's actually happening in a woman's body? >> yes, this shows why i've worked so hard in the last seven years to elect more women to congress. we still have woefully inadequate numbers of women. we have to get to 51% to represent the actual diversity of our country. we need more women in leadership. we need to lift up women's voice, and women need to fight, fight like everything they care about is at stake because it is. it's a life or death issue for that, as a life or death issue, as someone who is running for president of the united states, whether you

get the job or not, what do you think people need to be looking for in a president? because you do have, let's say, almost half the country who believes abortion should be outlawed or is deeply immoral. >> it's not half. 70% of america believes in roe v. wade, believes that women should have this fundamental decision about their lives. >> trevor: but, at the same time, i think it's 49% of women say that they are conflicted or think that it should be in some way monitored or, you know, they say it's gone too far in certain states, et cetera. how do you then govern an entire country where people disagree on that level. how do you convince them as a leader? >> i think this country deserves a president that is brave, someone who will stand up to do the right thing especially when it's hard. that's why i'm running for president. i will lift up women's voice and do the hard things, i will talk to folks in every part of the country, whether red, purple, blue, about their values and what's right for america, and i can tell you women deserve basic

civil rights in this country, and they deserve to make these fundamental decision about their bodies and their families with their doctors. and i don't think this is something that we should back down on, and i hope that women continue to fight because since president trump's been elected, women have been marching. the 2018 election cycle was about women rung for office and winning, getting the women's votes oight. so recommend are on fire. if this is a fight president trump wants with the american people and america's women, it's a fight he's going to have and it's a fight he's going to lose. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: let's swech gears for a second and talk about some of your plans for how you think america could change the way elections are run because, in effect, we are dealing with the effects of how the elections operate in the country. one of the more interesting proposals you've made is the clean elections plan. can you explain what that is? >> there is a lot of political

corruption. we all know washington is broken and we know that anything we want to accomplish, whether it's a green new deal or healthcare is a right and not a privilege or affordable daycare, universal pre-k, there's always something or someone standing in the way and it's the agreed and corruption in washington. i want to get money out of politics. i want to restore our democracy to the hands of the people, and the way you do that is through publicly funded elections and that's what the clean elections bill will do. >> trevor: what does that mean. >> if you agree to a clean elections platform and not take any contribution over $200, then you are eligible for any voter in america to be able to donate to your campaign through democracy dollars. you would make $200 available for every federal election for every voter, and you would then be going to every community to ask for support, not just the wealthy individuals, and you wouldn't have the koch brothers spending $300 million to change the outcomes of an election.

every voter coul would have thee power as a koch brother. >> trevor: fundamentally, you would have federal dollars and every voter in america would have a $200 spend and they would say, i give this to you and you, and that determines how much you get as a candidate. >> for every federal election. and you would have safeguards to make sure people qualify. but it demock sizes our democracy. it restores the power to the hands of the people away from the special interests. you just look and see how washington works. if you likely want healthcare as a right and no not a privilege, you have to take on the shiewrnsd drug companies that spend millions of dollars on lobbyists and television ads to make sure their voice is louder than yours. so we need to get the money out of politics to restore our democracy. ( applause ) >> trevor: it feels like there has been a groundswell of people embracing small-dollar

donations. is there a possibility or is there a world where democrats say, you know what? we're not going to wait for a law to pass, we're just going to make that a rule amongst ourselves. we don't take money from corporations or special interest groups. we're going to run on the money of the people and hope our platform gets us to where we need to be. >> that's why i'm not taking any corporate pac money, i'm not take federal lobbyists money, i'm not taking fossil fuel money and i'm not having an individual super pac. if you like this go to kirstengillibrand.com and support me! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's exciting. getting the money from the people for the people to run your race. thank you for being on the show. >> thank you, trevor. >> trevor: kirsten gillibrand, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪

therthen he tried tostitoshael scoops and salsa... and he started following them in real life. ♪ hey, mike. sup. oh! tostitos. get together already. two mermaids made a great tasting spiked seltzer. with 0 grams of sugar. and now, they're making it for you. letoh yeah!ne! argh! everytime i wanna get a.... i ran out of storage yesterday i had to delete a picture of my grandma -why? so i could take a picture of my grandma!

now that's cold! ice cold. i just want a phone that gets me, you know. knows my schedule knows my taste knows my music i'm over the hype. super over it. say goodbye to this thing. how are you gonna do that? how are you just gonna... ohhh byeeee phone! ok i see what you're doin' google! you never know what life is going to throw at you. [ whimpering ] and from this point on. nothing is going to be the same. [ "all these things that i've done" by the killers ]

liam's heads for comforts is in the 80th percetile. oh that's cool. it's a lot of head. it's like you're the dad and i'm the mom and this is our baby. [ laughing ] well... it's exactly like that! exactly! be the first to discover the secrets. at the fandango early access showing may 25th. >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. we're going to be following the abortion debate. make sure to keept it tuned to "the daily show" today, tomorrow, the next day, the next day. but now here it is... your moment of zen.

♪ ♪ ( music stopped ) ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪