>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! thank you so much for coming out! welcome to it! welcome do it! i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight -- our guest tonight is a former "the daily show" correspondent, he's now wrapping up season two of his h.b.o. hit show wyatt cenac is joining us, everybody!

( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, will ben carson lose his job? the queen of england goes shopping. and donald trump wants us to know he's totally cool. so let's catch up on today's headlines. let's begin in not-so-great britain. today it was reported prime minister theresa may is planning to resign over her failure to negotiate a brexit deal. since the chaos of brexit could collapse britain's economy, they're stockpiling. >> a british supermarket received a royal visit. >> queen elizabeth stopped by a pop-up grocery store in england, the visit include add stop at the self-service checkout area. the 93-year-old monarch was intrigued with the technology. she asked staffers whether customers could cheat the system and leave without paying. ( laughter ) >> trevor: oh, man, that is so

priceless, even the queen's first reaction to self-check out is, wait, so i can just steal this shit? is that what you ersaying? ( laughter ) i would love to see the queen steal grocery because only the queen can steal for the country. she could be, like, i qulaim these cheetos for britain! yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, these feed the queen. ( laughter ) not to rub it in, but this shows how far britain has fallen. the queen started her reign with trips to the corners of her empire and now it's ending with trips to the grocery store. by the time william is king, he's going to be making royal visits to the end of his driveway. everything the light touches is my dingeddum up to this mailbox, that's where it is. ( laughter ) i've got bad news for men. another trick in upholding the patriotic yarky has been

exposed. >> tropical storm a shift in the right debate for the temperature for office thermostats. we know most women like it warmer and most men want it colder. >> yes. >> turns out there is science to back it up. a new study indicates men's brains work better when it's colder and women do better when it's warm. >> trevor: yes, yes, it turns out one of the reasons men and women fight about temperature in the office is because it affects our brains in different ways. yeah, when it's hot, women's brains work bert because they're not losing energy shivering, and then when it's colds, men's brains work bert because our penis shuts down. ( laughter ) ( applause ) yeah, just calm down. when it's hot, the penis is, like, what are we doing? what are we doing? and when it's old, the penis is like, i'm, out -- ( laughter ) this is a tough situation. men need cold air, women need

warm air. we have to compromise. one week the office temperature should be set to cold and women can wear a sweater, the next week, set the temperature superior high and men can wear a business speed ( laughter ) in south africa, it's slightly different. eth more around race. black people always thought the thermostat was too cold and white people thought black people were inferior. ( laughter ) all right. you guys didn't see that coming, did you? and finally, here's a story out of connecticut that makes me think we have finally reached peak millennial. >> a man wanted in connecticut for failure to appear in court reached an unusual deal with please. josé sims told police he would turn himself in only if his wanted poster gets 15,000 likes on the department's facebook page. >> police say 29-year-old josé sims sent a private message to the torrington police department offering to turn himself in if

his wanted poster got 20,000 like police negotiated him down to 15,000. ( laughter ) >> trevor: seriously, people? is this the future of police negotiations. going to be having hostage situations where the cops are like, release the hostages! like, not until you like and subscribe to my youtube channel. okay, we can like your page but can't subscribe, we just don't have the resources! ( laughter ) i know facebook likes, as part of the criminal justice system, seems ridiculous, likes for criminals? this isn't anything new. technically a jury is just 12 people you're trying to get likes from. that's it. i didn't kill him! like, like! ( laughter ) regardless, this is just a stupid way to try to get famous. if you're a criminal who wants to go viral, forget about facebook likes. they don't make you big. you don't need to go on social

media. if you want to get famous, abduct a child. not everyone checks facebook but everyone gets an amber alert. and that's trevor noah's advice of the day. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( applause ) >> trevor: all right, that's it for the headlines. let's move on to the top story. as we all know a big part of trump's presidency has been his beefs. he beefs with foreign leaders, porn stars, he even beefs with siri. sorry, donald, i didn't get that. you never get me, siri! you're just like the rest of them! who's the president beefing with now? let's find out in another installment of donald j. trump commander in beef. >> if i could take this guy, i would knock the crap out of him, like to punch him in the face. ( applause ) >> trevor: yesterday, president trump had a meeting with d. j. leaders chuck schumer and nancy pelosi or shum dog and

nancy pelosi as they're known in the streets. ( laughter ) this week's meeting was supposed be about infrastructure. but instead of building bridges in the meeting, trump decided to burn them down. >> after walking in, not shake ago single hand, not even sitting down, president trump lashed out at the democratic leaders before mashching out. that contentious cabinet room meeting lasted just three minutes. >> so i came here to do a meeting on infrastructure with democrats. all of a sudden i hear last night they're going to have a meeting right before this meeting to talk about the "i." word. the "i." word. can you imagine? instead of walking in happily to a meeting, i walk in to look at people that have just said that i was doing a coverup. i don't do coverups. >> trevor: i don't do coverups, folks. i don't do coverups. i don't do pullups, i don't do pushups. i don't do situps. no you want. only downs.

shutdowns, meltdowns and most importantly letdowns. sorry, eric, i'm not coming to your birthday. ( applause ) but dad you don't even know when my birthday is! doesn't matter, i just know i'm busy that day. ( laughter ) there were no cameras rolling in the meeting so the only information we have is what people have said and, by the sounds of it, it was tense. >> democrats say they were stunned, and pelosi in a let tore house democrats called it a temper tantrum. >> to watch what happened in the white house would make your jaw drop. >> in any event, i pray for the president of the united states and i pray for the united states of america. >> trevor: oooh, i pray for the president? i feel like nancy pelosi has been spending a bunch of time with maxine waters because now every time she patronizing trump, she seems more and more like a black auntie. have you felt that vibe? first she gave trump the

sideways clap, and now she's praying for him. that's the blackest thing ever. lord, this crazy man needs jesus! mm-mm-mm! he needs jesus! needs jesus! ( applause ) ( laughter ) at the next state of the union, nancy is going to be fanning her dfl like -- ( humming ) according to chuck and nancy, trump came into the meeting and completely acted the fool. but according to trump's calm twitter rant this morning, he was chilled for three minutes and when he stormed out it was in a relaxed and graceful fashion. obviously most people didn't believe trump. today he interrupted a press conference with farmer to basically ask his very objective employees to tell us all how zen he is. >> she said i walked into the room right next door yesterday and walked in and starred screaming and yelling. just the opposite. i walked out. i was so calm. where is sarah, kellyanne

conway, what was my temperament. >> calm. >> what was my attitude? did i scream? >> no, you were very calm and direct. >> sarah, we're just talking about the meeting yesterday. you were there. what was my tone yesterday at the meeting? >> very calm and straightforward. ( laughter ) >> trevor: well, you know what, say what you want about trump but he is truly the king of political theater, right? no, because i love how he makes it seem like the questions weren't pre-planned. oh, sarah, fancy seeing you here! while i have you, how do you think i was in needing yesterday, yeah? ( laughter ) it's so planned. this is the kind of shit you will see in africa all the time. some dictator will be accused of war crimes and bring his own soldiers out as his defense. hey, jimbo, the united nations said i'm beating the villagers. is that true? he will be, like, no, sir, you

are always kind and very sweet. yes, indeed! ( laughter ) and toto, have you seen nee beat anybody? anybody? no, commander! you could not even beat a fly! huh? whoa, whoa, what do you mean i could not beat a fly in are you saying i'm weak? i will beat you like i beat those villagers, huh?! ( laughter ) so the democrats say trump acted crazy, but trump says he's super chill. i will be honest with you, as long as this cloud of impeachment hangs over this president, this beef is going to keecome before infrastructure or any other structure that needs bipartisan support. i hope you wore your sunday best because you're going to be praying for a long-assed time, nancy. we'll be right back ( cheers and applause )

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presidential candidate to the breakout star of the movie "utopia." fun fact, i they -- they sped him up to splay is sloth. but since he's been secretary of housing and urban development, he dropped off the radar until this week when he struggled to answer a very simple question. >> ben carson has been accused of not being qualified to lead the department of housing and urban development. he didn't help his cause. he confused a real estate term with a cookie. >> i would like you to get back with me to explain the disparity in reo rates. do you know what an reo is? >> an oan oreo? >> no, an reo. >> what's the r stand for. >> real estate owned, that's what happens when a property goes to foreclosure, we call it an reo.

( laughter ) >> trevor: that was bad. i don't think it helps ben carson speaks the way that he does. he always sounds like someone shot him with a tranquilizer dart and he's about to pass out. that's him, like, sitting there the whole time and he's, like, uh, i can't believe -- you -- shot -- me -- with -- a -- tranquilizer -- dart -- in my neck -- area. ( laughter ) goddam! why is this not working? you can't tranquilize that -- which is already -- tranquil. ( applause ) ( laughter ) >> trevor: now, on its own, this would have been a slipup he doesn't know in abbreviation, but this reo moment added to the perception that carson doesn't know how to do his job. since he was appointed, there's been an increase in families living in squalor and subsidized

housing. over 1,000 h.u.d. properties have failing grades and he's delayed an anti-segregation initiative. he's so bad for housing that tornadoes are, like, pace yourself! what's wrong with you? this slip up didn't help which is why ben carson went on fox news to do damage control. >> i would like to know our viewers that ben carson was, before he went into politics, was one of if not the best brain surgeon in the world and they're talking down down to him. would you respond to this, please, sir? >> yes, first of all, it was three and a half hours of testimony -- ( laughter ) >> trevor: oh, man, come on, dr. carson. he's introducing him, like, how do they talk down to the most brilliant mind the world has ever seen. secretary carson show them what a genius you are!

and he's like -- ( stuttering ) ( laughter ) but i will give carson credit, he showed up to the debate and he showed us again yesterday he might not have known what reos were at the hearing tuesday, but by wednesday this guy was a certified reo-ologist. >> of course, i'm very familiar with foreclosed properties and with reos, have read extensively about them, and the reo portfolio, just over the last ten years, has dramatically decreased by ten fold, you know, 65,000 down to 6500. >> trevor: mm-mm-mm, someone's been brushing up. one day he didn't know, the next day he knows everything. i bet he was up all night with his books like rocky, just singing -- ♪ they're gonna ♪ know me

( laughter ) now ben carson is back on everyone's radar but not in a good way. the question is could this lead to him getting fired? for more on this, we've turned to somebody who's been fired many times. dulce sloan, everyone! ( cheers and applause ) >> i just want to say, i've never been fired. i left value city before they knew i was gone. >> trevor: dulce, i'm not attacking your personally, i'm just saying you know what it's like out there in the real world. what do you think will happen to ben carson? >> oh, yeah -- ha -- he's about to get fired, yeah, yeah, yeah! >> trevor: it looks like that because he doesn't know what he's doing. >> no, because he doesn't look like he knows what he's doing. it doesn't matter if you can do your job, it matters if you look like you can do your job. do you know how many jobs i've kept because i was bad at them? most of them! but i knew how to fake it. like when i was a lifeguard --

anytime somebody started drowning, i just blew my whistle. i mean, they still drowned but it sounded like i saved them. ( laughter ) and you can use this technique in your office. if someone asks you for a report that you didn't do, you just say, oh, yeah, karen's doing that. every office has a karen! ( laughter ) and if your boss finds out you're lying you just say, mmm, you're perceptive as hell. that's why you're the boss. >> trevor: okay, i don't know how effective any of this advice would be -- >> thank you! ( cheers and applause ) thank you! mm-hmm! >> trevor: i don't even know if that would help cars bans he's in trouble here. there seems to be bipartisan agreement that he's bad at his job. if he's incompetent, shouldn't he just be fired? >> if he's incompetent, then he fits in perfectly. how does that make him any different than the other cabinet members? i mean, betsy devos is in charge of education and her only

qualification is a ph.d. in dumb blank stares. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: okay, yeah, but -- all right, i get that, but let's focus on carson. like, when you looked at ben carson's hot agenda, for instance, the stats i asked you to compile, what did you see? >> oh, you know, trevor, i was going to look at the numbers, but karen said she wanted to do it. ( laughter ) >> trevor: karen -- no, we don't have a karen. >> see? >> trevor: oh, you're lying to me! >> see, that's why you're the boss, you're perceptive as hell. >> trevor: i am perceptive! give it up for dulce sloan, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) i want to remind you, you can catch dulce tomorrow on the new comedy central show "the new negro" with baron vaughn and open mic eagles friday! dulce sloan, everybody! we'll be right back!

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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a former "the daily show" correspondent, comedian and writer whose h.b.o. series is now in its second season and called "wyat cenac's problem areas." >> i joined the navy national guard. >> did you ever think about the marines? >> the army was the next station there because they were out to lunch. >> it's a good thing that the thing next door wasn't just a blockbuster video. >> i served 13 years in the guard, iraq, afghanistan, kuwait. >> what was your role? the army? >> artillery, infantry. >> probably not a big use for artillery. >> no you can't really walk into facebook and go, hey, i'm good at artillery. >> trevor: please welcome wyatt cenac! ( cheers and applause ) ♪

welcome to the show, my friend. >> thank you. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show" and to the show. >> this is a totally different show. >> trevor: is it weird for you? because i've changed everything. do you not know where you're going and stuff? >> it's very strange. nothing looks familiar as all. you really did a gut renovation in this place. ( laughter ) and, like, it was like you brought a brooklyn brown stone and you were, like, all right, i'm going to gentrify the shit out of this. >> trevor: oh, man, it's great to have you back in the structure. >> yes. >> trevor: welcome back to the structure, and congratulations on the second season of your show. you know, a lot of people loved you on "the daily show" because you were, like, wyatt gets out into the streets and tackles a subject, but that was for, like, five minutes, three minutes at a time. your show really stretches out a

subject. you take your time with it. why do you do it that way? john oliver does it over a week. i do it in a day, you do it over a season. why does it take that long? >> one, because i talk real slow. so that's part of it. no, i felt like, to spend a season on something was really interesting because, you know, with "the daily show," we would do a story and then we're, you know, sort of at the mercy of the news cycle. >> trevor: right, right. >> and, so, it felt like, okay, yeah, if you wanted to do an interesting story about education and then all of a sund it's like, wait a minute, donald trump just took a shit on somebody's mustang, we've got to talk about that. >> trevor: yeah, i remember that day. >> yeah, i know. ( laughter ) >> trevor: you really go into a topic. season one i truly loved because you went into policing. you tackled every single piece of policing. it wasn't just a simple subject. it was, like, from the police's perspective, it was from the

criminal's perspective even, from kids in juvenile detention, et cetera, and that became the jumping off point for education, which is season two. >> right. >> trevor: how do you jump from policing to education. >> when you think about, well, what's the foundation that could set people up in a better way, that could, you know, have impacts on people's ability to get jobs, on crime, education is one of those things. if you give everyone access to quality education, we have enough data to say, oh, crime statistics go down, teen pregnancies go down. it really is this building block, and if a kid gets pushed out of high school at the age of 14, they are at a much higher probability of finding themselves headed off to a prison. >> trevor: right. >> so it feels like, oh, yeah, let's look at education because that may be a way, if you can get people to, like, buy into, right, we need equitable education for everybody, that may be -- ( cheers and applause )

thank you. it's always fun when they clap like that as though i can, like, sign that into law. ( laughter ) enough of you clapped and, yes, now it's happening! you wake up tomorrow, everyone's going to have an equitable education! ( cheers and applause ) i can't do that! stop it! no! it's not how it happens! it's by voting and going to school board meetings! >> trevor: one of the most intriguing parts of the season that i watched was seeing how you were talking about education and the way we approach it in the world, but specifically in america, and how you said you feel like it's ignored the way it is predominantly because most teachers are women. it was an interesting, you know, journey to be on where you go, like, people are just, like, oh, the teachers want more money again. it's, like, these women want

more money. but it started to feel like, if this were a male dominated field, it would be different. is your show trying to give people a solution or are you trying to high light it so people know how to vote and what to do? >> i think a little of both. on the one hand, unit to highlight these things. when you think about the teaching profession and how it is a majority female profession, when we're having all of these conversations right now about gender dynamics and about, you know, equal pay and sexual harassment and all these things, we're talking about women's civil rights, it does raise a question for me, well, is the teaching profession, should that be part of that conversation about women's civil rights? >> trevor: right. >> so some of it is trying to have those conversations, and some of it is also looking at, well, there are people who are

on the ground who are trying to make change, and what does that change look like and is that change replicaable. you're watching this old house and watch someone build a banister and think i can do that. ( applause ) >> trevor: congratulations. "wyatt cenac's problem areas" airs fridays at 11:00 p.m. on h.b.o. ( cheers and applause ) wyatt cenac, everybody! we'll be right back! thank you so much! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ introducing a boost to your workout water. electrolytes, meet vitamins b, c and e.

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now this is training. keeping my reflexes sharp. ha, oh! you were just beaten by a rabbit. you don't even know it. [ ding ] oh, my pizza rolls. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. now here it is... your moment of zen. ♪ >> both sides in this dispute need to take their meds. if speaker pelosi told all her people to line up and join the taliban, they'd say, where's the line? they need to urinate or get off

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