another lovely woman needs me. good-bye, customer. [beeps] - good-bye, shake weight. - ♪ creme fraiche ♪ cafeteria fraiche ♪ >> may 29th, 2019, from comedy central he's world news headquarters in new york this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. (applause) welcome, everybody. welcome to the daily show, i'm trevor noah thank you so much for coming out. thank you for tuning in. let's get moo trk let's do t let's do t let's do it, let's do it. our guest tonight is an educator, an author and a former second lady of the united states, dr. jill biden is joining us, everyone.

(applause) we're going to vey fun chapter about her brand new memoir. also on tonight's show the church is moving into the future, netflix stakes a stand on abortion and robert mueller finally speaks so let's catch up on today's headlines. let's begin with mitch mcconnell. senate majority leader and guy who had his face ripped off by a chimp but then got an experimental face transplant that mostly worked. (laughter) you may remember back in 2016 mcconnell blocked president obama from appointing merrick garland to the supreme court because, a president shouldn't get to fill a supreme court seat in an election year. but now that donald trump is president mcconnell says players gota play. >> senate majority leader mitch mccon sell raising some eyebrows this morning for comments he made during a luncheon in kentucky. yesterday mcconnell was asked what would happen if a supreme court seat opened up in the leadup to the 2020 presidential

election. >> if a supreme court justice died next year what would you do. >> i would fill it. >> you know, say what you want about mitch mcconnell, but he is truly the perfect movie villain. right? no, he is. and not just because he looks like if jaba the hutt got a gas particular bypass, no, no, it is because like look at how he did it. he took a sip of his drink and then he just revealed his evil plan then he gave a creepy ass smile. classic movie villain. i'm surprised he didn't end the press conference by turning too a cloud of bats. ba ha ha ha ha. >> it is funny because when a villain does this in a movie we are always like you idiot, why would you reveal your plan, now the good guys can stop you. but in real life we're just like a ha, now we can stop him, we just need 50 votes in the senate to-- wait, who has got the

votes. that's right, can i do what i want bich. ha ha. and the worse part is mitch mcconnell is so deep in senate procedure st uneasy to explain to people why his plan is so evil, right. other people are easy to explain. normal villains why is he evil, oh, he eats children. with mitch it is like why is he so evil. >> okay, historically the senate has been defind its mandate, advice on consent and it is just like hey, where are you going? moving on. the abortion battle in america continues to heat up. alabama passed an abortion ban and now there is a lawsuit that has been filed to block it. missouri is trying to shut down its only abortion clinic and people are rallying to keep it open. and over in georgia it's new antiabortion law has earned it a powerful enemy. >> netflix is vowing to rethink its entire investment in georgia. it is the state's recently passed abortion law goes into effect, the streaming giant also plans to work with the aclu to fight the measure in court. several other film and production companies have also threatened to pull out of

georgia because of the law. >> trevor: of course they will pull out. you don't have access to abortion. one of your only options now. and you know, i know netflix wants people to think it's doing this out of principle, but remember this law would affect their business. it is hard to netflix and chill when chilling has become so much more risky. (laughter) chill is 70% of netflix, my friend, yeah. i'm actually surprised they don't have a movie category called background shows for boning, just for that, there should be some. (laughter) and i respect when netflix is doing but i feel like they might not have a big enough show right now to be making those demands, you know. because if like "game of thrones" had come in and been like hey, before we air the last season, we want america back in the iran deal, shit would have happened. trump would have been on the next plane to tehran, we have got to save john snow, he's the only one who loves walls as much as me.

and netflix isn't alone. netflix isn't alone. many hollywood productions are threatening to leave georgia, right. although that works for some shows better than others because it doesn't matter in young sheldon is shot in georgia but it does matter for atlanta. i mean it would be weird if they have to move atlanta to like salt lake city. yeah, i mean it would change the show, mormons in every episode, hello the boy of paper, we meet again. and finally, let's go to that extreme weather that is all over the news. in the last 30 days the midwest has been hit by over 500 tornadoes. yeah. and people with nerves are starting to frey. >> dayton ohio hit hard by tornadoes that left a path of destruction overnight. and one local weathermen lost it when viewers attacked him for interrupting the bachelorette with an urge ent weather bull tin. >> this is a dangerous situation. >> i was checking social media. we have viewers complaining already. just go back it to the show. no, we're not going to back to the show, folks.

i'm done with you people, i really am, this is pathetic. our job here is to keep people safe and that is what we are going to do. some complain this is all about my ego. stop! >> trevor: stop! get-- just stop! this appear weatherman, you know, he is totally right. think about it, these people are biching about missing a bit of the bachelorette when tornadoes are coming at their house. no wonder is he mad. although i don't think you should get mad, you just should find out where these people live and just give them incorrect weather reports, yeah. just be like there is lightning everywhere except near bill peterson's house, go outside with an aluminum bat, bill, see what happens. i will say this, though, on the other hand, on the other hand, i understand why bachelor nation is so pissed off, tbaws is not like this guy is the only source for weather. is he like if it wasn't for me you would all be dead, how would you know what would happen in the weather, yeah, we got phones, i mean, if a tornado

comes my phone will alert me, i will check the alert and get distracted by instagram and i will the to the tornado would kill me when i'm liking photos, simple. here is my compromise, i see what the weatherman is saying whack bachelorette fans are saying, we should combine the two worlds, the weatherman should do the report and if he interrupts the bachelorette he has to update us on both. we have a stage 5 tornadoes and even crazier, luke, i love you, this is wild, this is wild. that is it for the headlines, let's move on it to our top story. plaws plawtion since the mueller report was released six weeks ago, everyone has shared their opinion on what they think it means according to president trump, it is total exoneration. according to the democrats, it's the road to impeachment. and according to the fortune cookie i got last night the lucky numbers are 6-14 which i

think means trump is going to get impeached mid june, maybe, yeah. either way everyone has weighed in on the mueller report, everyone except robert mueller. >> since the report came out we haven't heard were him, am fact, you realize we haven't heard from him ever. think about it, this guy was in the news for two years and never said a word. we don't even know what he sounds like. yeah. for all we know robert mueller could talk like a minute yun, we don't know. he could come out and just be like-- collusion, heh heh heh heh. we don't know. so that's why earlier today it it was such big news when out of nowhere robert mueller announced that he would be making a statement on camera live at 11 a.m. which is a good time because the bachelorette isn't on. and nobody knew what the statement would be about. which meant that cable news had an hour to go into wild speculation mode. >> the big question is what

exactly will he address. will he get into the substance of the report. >> will he contradict the attorney general. >> will he defend the investigators. >> will he say anything about congress. >> will robert mueller only talk about part one of the mueller report and not part two. >> will he resign. will he rebut the report, will he address his pub look testimony. >> or will he bring charges or will he bring sexy back or will he tell us he's replacing adam levine on the voice or will the news just wait for a goddam hour to see what robert mueller actually says. (laughter) i don't understand. i will never understand why cable news is so obsessed with predicting something that we are all going to find out anyway. like all of these people on the new was make the worst planet earth in the races ever. because dat enat enbugger doesn't predict, he just tells you what is going on, that is what makes it good. the lion crouches in the tall grass, her prey blissfully unaware of her presence. >> if cable news had that job nature shows would suck.

it would be chaos. the lion is about to attack, will it work, will the gazelle get away, will the buffalo stam speed completely screw everything up, i think there is a chance the gazelle might even eat the lion. we don't know what is going to happen, this is madness. we are trying to figure this out. >> so after an hour at cable news finally the man himself, the myth, the legend steps up to the podium and he said what he came to say. >> i'm speaking today because our investigation is complete. i will make a few remarks about the results of our work. russian intelligence officers who are part of the russian military launched a concert add tack on our political system. there were multiple system attic efforts to interfere in our election. and that allegation deserves the attention of every american. >> okay. he says every american needs to pay attention to russian mud

elling but he is really talking to one particular american let's face t trump is the only one that matters. i don't think mueller is going on tv because he's worried that phil from quiznos isn't taking america's election seriously enough. phil has enough on his plate securing the quiznos bath rom,-- bathroom, okay t is for customers only, it says right there on the door, people, i told them, phil. but let's be honest. no one tuned in to hear mueller talk about the russians. people tuned in to hear if robert mueller thinks the president obstructed justice or not. and the answer was a resounding-- . >> a long-standing department policy, a president cannot be charged with a federal crime while he is in office. that is unconstitutional. charging the president with a crime was therefore not an option we could consider. if we had had confidence that the president clearly did not

commit a crime, we would have said so. >> trevor: wait, what? if trump didn't commit a crime we would have said so. so 2ru6r7 did commit a crime or did he just not not commit a crime? like robert mueller, why don't you just speak english, huh? even yoda would be like hmmmm, report confusing you make. what is it? (laughter) like the press conference was so confusion. mueller might as well just have come out and said okay, you have a chicken and a fox and a boat and on the other side is obstruction, okay. and look, look, the way mueller phrased this information was confusing. but most people agree that the underlying message was clear. all right. he said what he said t was just hidden like imagine are you about to have sex with someone and ask you them hey, do you have herpes and their response is well, if i had confidence that i did not have herpes, i would have said so.

(laughter) you would be like okay, this mo [bleep] has herpes. that is what happened leer. so for now, robert mueller refuses to just come out and say that the president has on-- obstruction herpes and if you were hoping that congress could force him to say it out loud, my friends, you are fresh out of luck there too. >> i hope and expect this to be the only time that i will speak to you in this manner. there as been discussion about an appearance before congress. any testimony from this office would not go beyond our report. so beyond what i have said here today, and what is contained in our written work, i do not believe it is appropriate for me to speak further about the investigation or to comment on the actions of the justice department or congress. >> hmmmm. >> i don't have anything more to say and i'm leaving. see that there, my friends is the con virks of a man who has

booked a nonrefundable vacation. >> he is not going to have congress screw it up. >> even though mueller dropped a major hint, many people weren't satisfied with how little he said todayment i will be honest, i done think anyone is going to shake this guy, and i know. this because i sent our correspondents to the press conference to try and find out more. >> it is important that the office's written work speak for itself. >> mueller, ain't nobody about to read that long ass report, just tell us s trump guilty or not. >> we were not commenting on the guilt or the innocence of any specific defendant. >> hell you ain't. >> every defendant defendant is presumed innocent. >> forget all of that. there has to be something on trump in than tha folder. >> the indictment alleged and other activities alleged in our report describe efforts to interveer. >> catch you latter on. just give me the folder! get it from the. >> i got it, man. >> the reasons why the department of vus tis established our. >> that guy doesn't mess around.

we'll be right back. (applause)

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if is no secret that church attendance among young people has been dropping are. church is becoming less popular than a michael jackson impersonator at a a children's birthday party. and for a lot of the same reasons. but some churches, some churches are trying to fix that. and they're turning to technology to bring those millenials back. for more on this advancement we turn to ronny chieng on his segment today's future now. (applause) >> thanks, trevor. as a kid i loved going to church. the stories had magic. they gave you snacks and wine. disn even need a fake i.d. and they taught me how to judge others with a smug sense of superyority.% a skill i still use today. thank you jesus. >> and now there is a church in san francisco that will let me do all of that from the comfort of my own home. >> welcome to virtual reality church. >> dj soto's divine calling is

to bring christianity to virtual reality. >> so we have worship music, i deliver a sermon, there is a prayer team. >> dj soto even officiated the first bap timple in virtual reality. >> i say it is probably what your church is like just in vr. >> okay, that is the most unholy thing have i ever seen. god created man in his own image, not in the image of a purple dildo, okay. and also does the virtual baptism even count? just seems a little risky. virtual means not real. i don't want to get to heaven and god says hey, your name is on the list i will be like mo, no, no, i got virtually baptized and god sliek oh, imreatd, then i'm literally sending you to hell. although i would hope that when you do the virtual world doesn't count because that would mean in mario i committed total genocide repeatedly. but i will say pastor is on to

something because vr church could be the key to finding salvation from bore dom. i mean the sermon going on too long i will throw the headset on to my cat and pastor will be like wow, ronny enjoyed the certificate mon so much he spent the whole time licking his butt hole. now at least vr churchers require some effort, on the other hand the church of england is letting alexa do all the work for you. >> the church of england has launched a new project 5eu78ed at teaching faith through text. users can ask alexa to recite daily prayers or say grace. >> alexia. >> bless oh lord this food to our use and us in your service. >> how lazy is this? you are outsourcing prayers to alexa. like how does that work. hey, alexia my granny is sick so please pray for her and also i'm out of toilet paper.

do the toilet paper first, it's an emergency. this could also back fire because alexa knows everything about you. which could get awkward. will you be at family dinner, hey, alexa say grace. and alexa is like okay. bless the lord, bless this food and please help ronnie with his pornography addiction. >> shut up, alexa. where is my toilet paper. >> anyway, what might be surprising is that the newest jesus tech seems to be coming from the oldest church. >> the vatican is getting into video gaming. catholic evangelical imrowp came up with the smartphone game similar to pokemon go except you chase catholic saints and other figures even jesus called follow jc go, a the church sees it as a way to reach younger catholics. >> i know what you are thinking catholic church, video games, here comes the pedophilia joke, and are you absolutely correct. i don't think an institution

known for priests luring clirn should put out a game to lure more children. where do you even catch the final pokemon jesus, father garrity's tickle room. >> trevor: ronny, ronny, look, i think it is easy for you to criticize what the church is doing but what do you think they should do to attract a younger crowd. >> trevor, they don't need to update the text. they need to update the bible. make it fit the times. >> trevor: you know what, i heard a lot of people say that, it makes sense. you want them to get rid of all the judgement and violence. >> no, no, trevor, i didn't say make it for cops. i said make it for the time. so instead of a whip, give jesus a gun, a slick suit and let him shoot the bad guys. also we need more dogs. everybody likes dogs. >> trevor: that doesn't sound like jesus, that sounds like john wick. >> oh, yeah t kind of does. and blessed be his name. >> trevor: ronnie chieng, everybody. we'll be right back. miller lite is brewed with great taste, only 96 calories

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>> welcome back to the daily show, my guest tonight is a community college professor who served as second lady of the unit the states during the obama biden administration. she has written mu memoir called where the light enters, building a family, discovering myself, please welcome dr. jill biden. (applause) >> thank you. wow. how nice.

>> trevor: welcome to the daily show. >> what a nice audience you have. >> trevor: they vey wonderful audience, and augustine isn't even here, if he was here, welcome to the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: and congratulations on genuinely one of the most surprising memoirs i have read recently. >> really. >> trevor: yeah, because i didn't know what to expected. but i didn't exement it to be as candid as it is. there are ups, downs, joy, pain. one of the things i didn't expect is how much of a prankster you are. >> yeah, i am, things in the white house are always pretty serious. and so i like to make a little fun. we have a good time. so one of the pranks that i pulled, we were leaving on air force two and i was coming from school. i'm a teacher. and so i was waiting and waiting for joe and he didn't get there. so i thought you know what, i'm going to get in the overhead. so i climbed up on to-- . >> trevor: most people would text but yes, yes, carry on.

>> so i got up on the table and i opened it and i climbed in. and then the first, when they started, the staff came on to the plane. and i hid and i had to -- the first person that came to put their bags in, i-- boo! and he screamed for like 20 minutes. >> trevor: and i don't blame, of all the things i would expect to find in an overhead bin, can i safely say the second lady of the united states is not one of them. you love education. >> i do. >> trevor: it is something that you have dedicated your life to. >> yes. >> trevor: and this is something that vice president biedern has just unveiled, his education plan yesterday. what is interesting though is it states that educators deserve a partner in the white house, with president joe biden and first lady jill biden you will get two. >> that's right. >> trevor: that say clear indication that you won't just be a passenger on this journey, you would be a copilot in discussing how america treats and shapes education. what do you think needs to be

done. because clearly it is broken right now. >> yes. >> trevor: what do you think needs to be done. >> the one thing i say to joe all the time is that we have to make our education policy teacher-centric. you know, the teachers have to give the input. we can't be like looking at them and saying okay, this is what you have to do. the teachers have to be saying this is what we want. and so we want a secretary of education who is a teacher. (applause) and we want to raise up the profession. i mean we are professionals. we want to be paid like professionals and respected like professionals. >> trevor: let's talk about what is looming over the biden household right now, that is the campaign. this is your fird time. you know how hard it is. you know how taxing it is, you know how invasive it s you know how vitriolic it is going to be. are you ready for what is about to happen to your lives. >> well, you know, the last two years people have been coming up to me in the supermarket and airports, wherever i go and

saying your husband has to run. your husband has to run. and we weren't going to run but then we kept hearing this, you know, this sort of. and so we started to think about it and then we called our-- well, we called our family together. we spoke to our children. we got our grand children all together. and we said what do you think. do you think pops shouldnrun for president. and to a grand child they said pops has it to run. he has to change the direction. and bring people together and stop all this vitriol in this country. (applause) >> thank you. >> trevor: when you look at the hurdles you have had to overcome just to get to this point, you know, your husband is the frontrunner in the democratic primary race right now. and there are obstacles that you have already had to face. principle there was the story of him just being too massagey with people and to-- everyone said not in a sexual way, not

in-- they were just like, some women were like we weren't comfortable with that. you both came out and you spoke to it. do you think that it is strange or fair that sometimes you will get asked about things that should be asked to your husband or do you think that is part of the game. >> no, i think that is part of it. and i think look, you know, it takes, it took a lot of courage for women to step forward and say you know, we're in my space and joe heard that. and it just won't happen again. >> right. >> he heard what they were saying. so that is part of it. and when you run together and i will be out there with him, on the campaign trail because i really do believe myself that he will make the best president. so i will be out there. >> trevor: we'll see you there, we will be following the race. congratulations on an amazing memoir. thank you so much for coming to the show. wonderful seeing you. where the light enters is available now. dr. jill biden, everybody. we'll be right back.

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within that's our show for tonight, thank you so much for tuning in. here it is, your moment of expwhren. >> the special counsel robert mule letter speak on camera about an hour and 20 minutes

from now. >> in an hour and 7 minutes. >> 52 minutes. >> 15 minutes. >> 45 minutes. >> 43 minutes. >> 35 minutes from now. >> 33 minutes time. >> 3 minutes away. >> 27 minutes. >> 20 minutes. >> 15 minutes, 7 minutes 4 minute, giving the 2 minute warning. >> sir, if you areñi spped do yu think-- g7m ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪