d of e thsea-people! you hear that? i am god of the sea-people! i am master of their great sunken empire! mom! i'm god of the sea-people! - that's nice, poopie. - and in other south park news, elementary school teacher ms. choksondik's autopsy has shown that the semen in her stomach belonged to school counselor mr. mackey. however, the semen apparently did not contribute to the death, and so mr. mackey's identity is to remain anonymous. both: hey, butters. - [screams] - hey, what are you doing, man? cartman said he has something really cool to show everybody. you got to come. - cartman? - ha-ha! behold! you all see my tiny minions groveling at my likeness! i am eric cartman, god. - hey, we paid for the sea-people too. how come they're not making statues of us? - be you not jealous, jew. i am creator of all things, yea. - that is very impressive, eric. what do you intend to do with your underwater society?

- i am gonna send a message to my people and tell them to develop a great machine that will shrink me down to their size so i can live amongst them forever. - aha! ah-ha-ha! ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! - what the hell is wrong with you, butters? - they did that on the simpsons! ha! "treehouse of horror," episode 4f02: "the genesis tub." lisa loses a tooth, and the bacteria on it starts to grow and makes a little society, and they build a statue of her, thinking she's god. ha! ha-ha-ha! - so? - yeah, so? - dude, the simpsons has done everything already. who cares? - yeah, they've been on the air for, like, 13 years. of course they've done everything. - every idea's been done, butters, even before the simpsons. - yeah, in fact, that episode was a rip-off of a twilight zone episode. - really? so i shouldn't care if i come up with an idea and the simpsons already did it. it...doesn't matter. everything is back to normal! i think... i think i can go back to trying to destroy the world again! - good for you! - yeah, that's great, butters. now get the hell out of my room.

- i feel like a spring chicken! i'm ready to wreak havoc once again! - hey, look, everybody! the other side of the aquarium is building another statue! - hey, it's tweek! - me? oh, man! i don't want to be a god! that is way too much pressure! - that is bull crap! you better stop worshiping him, sea-people! [muffled thuds] - what's going on now? - the sea-people from cartman's side are suicide-bombing the buildings on tweek's side. - agh! - yeah, go! - now what's happening? - the sea-people on tweek's side just suicide-bombed the cartman statue! - oh, god damn it! [rumbling explosion] [glass shatters] [sea-people screaming] oh, no! oh, the humanity! - well, it was a nice project while it lasted, boys. - yep, but i guess this proves that war is the natural order of life. - why can't societies just live in peace? captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com

>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. thank you so much for tuning in. thank you for coming out! i appreciate you. let's do this. i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight is an actor from "suits" now starring in a brand-new spin-off series called

"pearson." gina torres is joining us, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, robert mueller finally testifies on capitol hill; lewis black heads to the beach; and if you have a snow globe, you could be smuggling drugs. so let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick it off with some breaking news from puerto rico. after weeks of protests over corruption and leaked text messages, governor ricardo rossello is expected to resign from office. yeah. ( applause ) he's going out. ( applause ) now, he said he doesn't want to do it, and he's reportedly devastated and crying tears over the situation. luckily, president trump threw him some boxes of kleenex to dry his eyes. ( laughter ) and while puerto rico is saying goodbye to its leader, great britain is welcoming a new one. >> breaking news overseas, boris johnson officially becoming the british prime minister today, replacing theresa may. >> i have just been to see her majesty, the queen, who has

invited me to form a government, and i have accepted. >> this photo shows johnson meeting the queen at buckingham palace to formally take power. >> trevor: oh, man. like, i feel bad for the queen, right? once upon a time she was appointing people like winston churchill, and now she spends all her time meeting with blond-haired shrecks. ( laughter ) it's like, she must be like, "aren't you america's president?" "no, no, ma'am. i'm a different weird-looking man." and you know she has no ( bleep ) left to give. because she didn't even bother taking off her purse. she looks like she's making a brexit of her own, like she's off to do something else. "sorry, i can't chitchat. i'm off to watch "john wick 3." best of luck." and i don't blame her for not caring because, remember, this is her 14th prime minister, her 14th, yeah, and the second one in the past three years. so you know she's over it. the queen is like a mom who is sick of meeting her kids' new boyfriends. she's like another one, great.

is this a real deal now or just another (bleep) buddy. in other news, if you've ever gotten food delivered to your house using an app, you probably tipped a person for not spitting in your food. but now it turns out your tip might have been going to someone else. >> it's no surprise when you have food delivered it costs more because of the delivery fees and, of course, the tip. but more people are bringing attention to what happens to those tips. >> some companies, like doordash and amazonflex, could take that tip and make it part of the driver's minimum pay. here's how that works. drivers are guaranteed a minimum per order, say $10. well, the customer tips three bucks. in some cases, instead of the driver making $13, they still only made 10 because the tip went toward their minimum payment. the delivery service now only has to pay the other $7. it's called "tipped wage." >> trevor: okay, that's just shitty, man. yeah, it turns out some delivery apps have been taking the finds that we give and then counting it against the delivery person's

salary, which is trash, right? people already don't earn a lot. if you think the tips would help and then they count it. it shouldn't count towards their salary. like, they're completely separate things. it's like how birthday sex shouldn't count as normal sex, yeah? it's a separate system. that's what i told my wife when she said, "we already had sex this week." i said "no, that's birthday sex. look at the spreadsheets." i'm joking. i don't have a wife. she left me because i kept a spreadsheet of our sex. this is just another reminder of how america has the weirdest rules about tipping. i don't know how american rules of tipping work. you're supposed to tip barbers. you're supposed to tip waiters, cab drivers, but when you try to tip a police officer, apparently that's an illegal bribe. ( laughter ) finally, some news from australia. because the island is isolated, countries to smuggle drugs into, it's one of the hardest countries to smuggle drugs into, but if there's one thing el chapo has taught us, it's where there is a will there's a way. >> criminals got very creative when trying to smuggle illegal drugs into australia. police announced yesterday they obtained 15 snowglobe containing crystal meth worth $1 million.

the snow globes were x-rayed after the contraband arrived from candidate. they tested positive for the addictive and dangerous substance. >> trevor: there's meth in globes? snow globes? ( laughter ) damn, grandma. i didn't you partied so hard! ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) i see you. and you know what? i wouldn't be surprised if every i wouldn't be surprised if every snow globe on the planet was filled with meth. because why else do those things still exist? ( laughter ) you realize snow globes are basically just victorian screen savers, right? it's 2019. there are no little boys out there like, "papa, can i shake the snowglobe? oh, how i find great joy watching pretend snow fall, for three seconds at a time, papa." it's all drugs. in fact if you think about it there were a bunch of things i could have told you were

suspicious. for instance, the hour glass. why are those things still around? i'm suspicious those are all just cocaine now. it doesn't make any sense. we have iphones now. you can just download the hour glass app. come on, people. all right, that's it for the headlines. let's move on to our main story. ( cheers and applause ) robert mueller, former special counsel and dad who totally know when you've been smoking. for two years his investigation into trump, russia, and election meddling have consumed the nation and the news. and when he finally released his 450-page report, many thought it would shake america to its core. the only issue was, it was 450 pages too long. and because it didn't contain any boy wizards, no one wanted to read it. in fact, in fact, this is true, polls show that only 7% of americans have read the entire report, yes. and the other 93% were like, "i'll just wait for the movie." ( laughter ) well, today, the movie came out. because today, robert mueller testified live on capitol hill.

>> the president has repeatedly claimed that your report found there was no obstruction and that it completely and totally exonerated him. but that is not what your report said, is it? >> correct, that is not what the report said. >> and what about total exoneration? did you actually totally exonerate the president? >> no. >> now, in fact, your report expressly states that it does not exonerate the president? >> it does. >> under department of justice policy, the president could be prosecuted for obstruction of justice crimes after he leaves office, correct? >> true. >> trevor: whoa! yeah. according to robert mueller. the president can be charged with obstruction of justice once he leaves office. so you know what that means. trump is never leaving office. ( laughter ) yeah. he hears that, the secret service is going to be banging on the oval office door like, "sir, you need to leave." he'll be like, "no housekeeping, thank you!" ( laughter )

so, for the democrats, the mueller hearing got off to a great start. within the first five minutes, mueller confirmed that his report did not exonerate trump and that he could go to prison after he leaves office. but to be honest, this was as god as it got, because when the democrats tried to get mueller to give them juicy soundbites beyond a simple yes or no, he just didn't take the bait. >> on that same page, page 97, do you see where there's the "intent" section on that page? >> i do. >> would you be willing to read the first sentence? >> and that was starting with... >> "substantial evidence." >> "indicates that the president..." >> if you could read that first sentence? if you would be willing to do that. >> i'd be happy to have you do it. >> i'll read it, then. >> trevor: nice try, nice try, but mueller isn't playing those games. he's like the world's least cooperative audiobook. chapter one, you know what you? know how to read. go get the book. read it yourself. ( laughter ) and, like, because mueller refused to read out damning

passages of his own report for the cameras, some democrats thought it would be a good idea to take matters into their own hands and mueller just wouldn't play along. >> donald trump, one, committed an obstructive act. two, connected to an official proceeding. three, did so with corrupt intent. those are the elements of obstruction of justice. this is the united states of america. no one is above the law. no one. the president must be held accountable one way or the other. >> let me-- let me just say, if i might, i don't subscribe, necessarily, to your-- the way you analyzed that. i'm not saying it's out of the ballpark, but i'm not supportive of that analytical charge. >> thank you. >> trevor: thank you. ( laughter ) have you ever seen, like, those videos where a player will shoot a three-point shot and then they celebrate, celebrate as the ball bounces off rim? have you seen that? that was the congressional version of that shot.

that's what that was. because jeffries was confident, he was confident that mueller was on his side. and then he didn't know what to say afterwards. it's like when you want to win an argument. mike agrees with me, right, mike? no, i don't. my man! that was, basically, the entire day for the democrats, right? it started off well, but they really tried to get mueller to give them the soundbite that would help them end the trump presidency, but he kept on rejecting them like a special counsel dikembe mutombo. no, no, no. and as for republicans, they had a very different agenda to the democrats today. you see, they were trying to portray mueller as incompetent, inconsistent, and biased. they brought up the fact that most of his investigators supported hillary clinton. they complained that mueller constructed himself. and they even argued that he couldn't be fair to trump because he was friends with some of trump's enemies. >> you and james comey have been good friends, or were good friends for many years, correct? >> no, we were business associates.

we both started off in the justice department about the same time. >> you were good friends. you can work together and not be friends, but you and comey were friend. >> we were friends. >> trevor: oh, man! poor james comey. imagine finding out your friend isn't your friend in front of a live national audience. yeah, because in interviews comey was like, this guy is my ride or die. and now mueller is like we only hung out because he had a nintendo, okay? ( laughter ) in defense of that republican congressman, i get why he was so into this. it's important for him to make this distinction. he was like just abuse you work with someone doesn't mean your friends. because i'm not friends with ted cruz! you hear me! i am not friends with ted cruz. so after seven hours of testimony, the truth is we didn't learn anything new. and to be fair, robert mueller warned us about this a couple of months ago. he said if you call me to testify, i won't tell you anything new. so he spent most of the hearing today telling the rest of us to do our homework. >> when you talk about the president's pattern of conduct, that would include the 10 possible acts of obstruction

that you investigated, correct? >> i direct you to the report for how that is characterized. >> did mccgahn do what the president asked? >> i refer you to the report. again, i send you the report where that is stated. i refer you to the-- the report. i direct you again to the report. i refer to the report on that episode. i refer you to the report if i could. i will send you back to the report. ( laughter ) >> trevor: "i refer you to the report!" ( laughter ) poor robert mueller, man. the guy spent two years writing up an incredibly thorough document, and now people are badgering him with questions he's already answered. it would be like if jesus came back and then we spent hours asking him to explain stuff that was in the bible. "mr. christ, the book of exodus says mathat a man should not covet his neighbor's wife. but what if she's like really hot. "i i think i answered this in the script youures." "but i'm talking smoking hot! come on!"

i'm going to be honest with you guys. today was never about learning anything new from the mueller report. here's what it is. democrats wanted mueller to condemn trump on camera so they would have those bites because a lot of people haven't read the report. and the republicans want to use the opportunity so mueller could admit the whole thing was biased from the start. but to his credit, mueller refused to play partisan games. he is as impartial as respected. i assume, i haven't read it. come on now. the point is mueller wasn't going to give anybody the answers they wanted to hear, including our own correspondents. i sent them to washington, d.c. with questions of their own. >> mr. mueller, i'm still hung up on this thing they don't quite understand. in the finale of "game of thrones" denarius went crazy burned everything down. and then the bird boy became king? >> i would say that is summary. >> dumb watching these white people shows. >> does the empire still come home? >> mr. mueller, i have one question and one question only,

where is the clitoris. >> i will refer you to the report for that. >> i never learned to read, genius. i was too busy sleeping with women i couldn't satisfy. maybe you could draw me a diagram or point it out on a ken doll or something. >> i'd have to pass on that. >> damn it! i guess i'll never know. >> i auditioned for the "cats" movie did you you see the trailer. >> yes. >> why did ian mckellan have a major role? >> he had some role but not a major role. >> but you would agree that would be way better than jennifer ( bleep ) hudson. >> i'm not going to talk about that. ♪ memories >> i'm not going to talk about that. >> got it. thank you for your service. >> trevor: great job, team. we tried. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) woman: (on phone) discover. hi. do you have a travel card? yep. our miles card.

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i can taste your beer. i want to taste his beer. [ indistinct conversations ] samuel adams sam '76 -- finally a refreshing lager that you can taste. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." when a new story falls through the cracks, lewis black cawrptses it for a segment we call "back in black." ( cheers and applause ) >> it's summertime! that wonderful time of the year when the sun is out, kids are playing and i sweat so much my shirt turns into a map of the middle east. my nipple is the gaza strip. you don't want to go anywhere

near it! and on the hottest days you have a few options. you can hydrate. you can stay indoors, or you could always go to the beach, but only if you want to die. >> sharks, summertime, close encounters. scares just feet from shore. >> out of the water! >> in south carolina, a shark in knee-deep water just feet away from swimmers. >> screaming. >> and in new jersey, a 16-foot great white feasting on a bag of bait before swimming away. >> this year, hawaii has already seen twice as many attacks as they did all of last year. ask just last week, this great white was tracked near new york's long island. >> when a white shark bites a person it is a mistake because it thinks that person is a seal ( laughter ). >> wait a minute! so if the white shark is biting you it's a mistake, but if a black shark gets caught with just a little bit of weed, it goes to jail for life! that doesn't seem fair!

( cheers and applause ) and, also, what do you mean if i get bitten it's because i look like a seal? so now i'm getting eaten, and body shamed. talk about adding insult to injury! and if you're thinking no problem, i'll just stay in the shallow water where it's safe, well, good luck, sucker. >> there are new concerns about rare but potentially deadly flesh-eating bacteria bacteria found in warm waters. >> potentially adidas flesh-eating bacteria can enter the watt through a scrape. it causes 80,000 illnesses a year. >> don't be afraid of the ocean. but be aware of what's going on. >> be aware! it's bacteria. what am i supposed to do, snorkel with a mike are scope? at least with a shark i can hear

the fin and the "jaws" music. i can see the fin. but flesh-eating bacteria is a silent killer. like jason. ( laughter ) it's what i've always respected about hum. he's in for the stabbing, not the chitchat. ( laughter ) also, what's with these bacteria? they never eat the flesh that i don't want. ( laughter ) how about instead of my leg, why don't you guys talk a nipple on my love handles. that way you still get to eat, and i don't look like a seal! ( laughter ) ( applause ) so-- ( cheers ) so it's dangerous in the water. it's dangerous close to the water. and you think you're safe way up on the beach? you better duck! >> a warning about a surprising summer danger-- beach umbrellas flying through the area, seriously injuring beachgoers. >> in ocean city, maryland, in

2015, a bystander filming as the wind picks up he's umbrellas and turns them into projectiles. the situation is incredibly dangerous. >> over the last 10 years there have been reports of over 32,000 injuries related to umbrellas across the country. >> did you see that! ( laughter ) it's an exwrae umbrella uprisin. we always thought it was going to be the robots. we never suspected the umbrellas. ( laughter ) and who can blame them for organizing? we treat them like shit! they only get pulled out in the extreme heat or the rain. wire never like, "oh, it's a beautiful day, my umbrella deserves a walk." ( laughter ) but on the plus side, if you survive an umbrella impaling at least you'll never need to buy sunscreen again. so whether it's sharks or bacteria, or umbrellas, everything on the beach wants you dead! but don't worry, kids.

you can just simulate the experience at home. just turn off your air conditioning. stand in the tub with a pina claida, and shove a fistful of sand up your ass. happy summer, everybody! trevor. >> trevor: lewis black, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) we're going to a kissing party and none of us have ever kissed and we're scared. we need to see real people kissing.

just go online and type in "how to kiss". are you 18 or older? eww. how many husbands does she have? [ screaming ] my parents have a cpr doll. we can practice kissing on that. this is a really pretty cpr doll. come on, the party is just over there. [ screaming ] i'm fine i'll just live here. we're bad. we're so bad. i'm truly amazed at the effect thathank you, bob!ple. steady the elbow.shoot me one? ♪

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♪there's nothing i can do ♪there's a really big crowd at the bar.♪ summer jams with dos equis keep it interesante. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an actor and executive producer who stars in the new u.s.a. network series "pearson." please welcome gina torres! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you. so happy to be here. >> trevor: i have been a fan of yours for such a long tomb. "suits" was huge in south africa. all of my friends and i would argue acting like we were lawyers. "what do you think of the merits." we knew nothing. you played the character for so many years, and people loved you

in that role so much, that now your character, jessica, has moved on to a spin-off show. >> yes. >> trevor: which is really exciting. congratulations. >> thank you, thank you so much, thank you. ( cheers and applause ) yes. >> trevor: let me ask you a question. why do you think jessica, just like resonated with people in a way where audiences and networks were like, "no, she needs to have her own show?" >> oh, my god, how often do you get an example of a woman that just typifies excellence? >> trevor: right. >> everything about her was impeccable. she had a harvard law degree. she was the smartest person in the room. she knew how to get things done. she dressed like for the masses. i mean, just-- i mean, she was ridiculously perfect. and she was fearless. and can so, people want to be that. and the fact that it was this person. >> trevor: yes. ( cheers and applause ) this-- this woman.

she's a woman. she's awe woman of color. and that was the lowest thing on the list. she never led with that. she always led with her intelligence. >> trevor: right. >> her integrity. her balls. laugh ( applause ). >> trevor: it really was one of the aspects of the character that really resonated with people was an image that not many people get to see. a powerful black woman who wasn't defined just by the color of her scun. it was part of what made her but not what defined her. >> absolutely. >> trevor: we're seeing it in the new character. jessica is in chicago but in politics now. why chicago? why politics? >> chicago is this microcosm of what's going on, on a national level, and to some degree, on a global level. >> trevor: right. >> there's everything there. there's-- there's political corruptness, there's gang violence, there's immigration issues. there's an incredible and growing disparity between not

just the races but, also, on a socioeconomic level. and so we just chip away at it. >> trevor: and it's an interesting hot bed to have her live in, because, you know, we've seen your character as a strict lawyer, just the law and the facts >> yes. >> trevor: but politics is all about emotion, you know. it's policy but it's the emotion that comes with that. what's interesting about the show is we tonight know dp woo like or hate what your character is doing throughout the show, because she keeps that barrier up. that was purposefully created? >> absolutely. well, it was part and parcel what made jessica so interesting. she was quite an enigma in "suits." you never really knew where she was going to come from because she was always seven steps ahead of everyone else. for those who love jessica, don't worry, we got you. jessica pearson the woman that you know is present. now you get to see the whole woman. you get to see what motivates

her on a personal level. you get to see what motivates her on a professional level. is she power hungry, really? or is she at a place in her life where she's using her power mostly for good and not aisle. >> trevor: it seems in many ways you share the drive your character, jessica, does. you're exclusive producing the show. you have been staffing the writers' room. you have been at the forefront of saying, "hey, i want this show and its creators to represent the people in the show." where you said, "it's not tokenism. i want real diversity on the show. i want black and white. i want afro-latina which has been very important for you. why? >> because who else is going to tell our stories if not us? we have been-- ( applause ) for years, for decades, we have been watching ourselves through the lens of white writers, of white, male wriewrts.

that's just-- and they don't get it right a lot of the time. ( laughter ) quite frankly. even best of them are just, "well, can you..." and there have been a couple of times when we were doing can "suits" where i would have to talk to the writer and say if we're going to go there, then go there. >> trevor: wow. >> don't just, you know, say that you went there because you stepped in the door way. go in the door. open up a window. sit in the room. >> trevor: right. >> and stay there for a minute. ( applause ) and so that's what we're doing. we're going through the door. >> trevor: if you look at jessica's journey, we've seen her in law, we've seen her now consulting in politics. do you think that one day she'd run for office as president of the united states? >> it would be her time, wouldn't it? >> trevor: it definitely would. >> well, stay tuned. we'll see. >> trevor: thank you very much for being on the show. wonderful having you here. "pearson" airs wednesday at 10 p.m. on the u.s.a. network. gina torres, everybody.

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