come on. let's go! - randy, what are you doing? - you heard what he said! the higher power didn't cure me. i'm powerless again! - i'm powerless too. - yeah, me too. - get me seven martinis. - jack and coke! - dad, dad, stop! - i'm sorry, son. i'm off the wagon! - dad, you don't have to do this! you have the power! you haven't drank since seeing the statue! - but the statue wasn't a miracle. - yeah, the statue wasn't a miracle, dad. so that means you did it. that means you didn't have a drink for five days all on your own! - you're right, stan. if god didn't make me stop drinking, then i did. maybe--maybe i can force myself to never drink again! - no! - no? - dad, you like to drink. so have a drink once in awhile. have two! if you devote your whole life to completely avoiding something you like, then that thing still controls your life, and you've never learned any discipline at all.

- but maybe i'm just the kind of person who needs to have it all or nothing. - nah, all or nothing is easy, but learning to drink a little bit, responsibly... that's a dis-a-prin. dis-a-prin... come from within. - how did i manage to raise such a smart kid? - i've had a great teacher. - thanks, son. - no, not you, my karate teacher. he's really smart. - oh, well, tell you what. let's leave the car here, walk home, and watch the game. i'd like to have another beer or two. - all right. - come on! or maybe i'll have three beers? - that's probably okay, if you spread it out. - how about four? - i think you're pushing it. - how about twenty? - that's not dis-a-prin. - right, right, does vodka count? - dad! captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com

from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! thank you for coming out! thank you so much for coming out! i'm trevor noah! our guest tonight is a congresswoman from massachusetts and she's one of the four women who make up "the squad." ayanna pressley is here, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, democrats have an eating

contest. hong kong protesters are now affecting the skies. and i reveal which billionaire pedophile killed himself in prison this weekend, it might surprise you. so let's catch up on today's headlines. ♪ let's begin in the world of sports and super heroness. this past weekend was the u.s. gymnastic championships where tough athletes competed in a range of events including high bars, pummel horse and the ring thingies. ( laughter ) while all the athletes are pretty amazing one is simply in a league of her own. >> simone bails finished up a milestone filled weekend with another gymnastics national championship, a final night including the olympic champ performed a triple double following a history making move on the balance beam. >> two flips, two twists never been done in competition.

oh! did you see that smile? >> trevor: that's amazing! the only time i've seen someone do two flips and three twists when my uncle was drunk and tried to get into a hammock! ( laughter ) at the end of the competition. simone bails somehow didn't have a perfect score from the judges which, in my opinion, means they're assholes. they know more about gymnastics than i do but i prefer to think of them as assholes. if someone does something completely new in a competition, how is that not a perfect score... yeah, i've never seen that before but it could have been better. ( laughter ) gymnastics is an amazing sport to watch but none of us knows what's going on. i'm not going to lie. if they just land on their feet and do this, in my head, it's a perfect score. i'm done. a lot like watch ago chef at benihana, as long as they're fast with the knives, i'm

impressed. king, king, king, king, yeah, this guy knows how to cook. people in hong kong took to the streets to protest. after weeks of protests, they took their demonstration to the next level. >> the massive protest in hong kong bringing one of the busiest airports to the world at a standstill. outbound flights canceled for the rest of the day after thousands of pro democracy demonstrators swarmed the terminal, this after a weekend of clashes, hong kong police are using force, including tear gas inside a train station. >> trevor: damn, that airport looks crazy, yet somehow still better than la guardia. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and really, after seeing this, there is no way you can doubt the dedication of these protesters in hong kong because they went to the airport, not to fly, but to protest. ( laughter ) do you know how committed you have to be, even when i am

flying? i don't want to go to an airport. i hate the airport. ( laughter ) last week, my mom asked me to pick her up from j.f.k. so she lives there now. i told you, mom, don't test me! you don't test me! ( laughter ) can you imagine, like, getting off the flight and seeing this? because you forget people were landing as well. you probably want to get right back on your plane because this is chaos, unless you flew on spirit airlines. spiers airlines is like a violent chinese protest in the sky. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and finally, while many in the u.s. are still dealing with last weekend's mass shootings, some jackass in missouri thought it was a good idea to do this. >> tonight dimitri anchanko is in jail after setting off fierce of a mass shooting.

he walked into a store dressed in body armor, carrying a assault weapon, carrying ammunition. he asked if wal-mart honored the second amendment and he said he wanted to protect himself. >> his gent intent was not to cause peace or comfort to anybody in the business here. in fact, he's lucky he's alive, still, to be honest. >> trevor: this kid walked into a wal-mart wearing full body armor and carrying a giant-ass gun and said it was a prank or experiment. i don't know how much he demonstrated the power of the second amendment but that was a very effective demonstration of white privilege, that's what that was, because i'm going to warn you now -- ( applause ) -- i will warn you now, do not try this shit if you are black. ( laughter ) or muslim. or one of those greek people who are super tanned. ( laughter ) i will say this, though, like,

the kid has exposed how crazy open carry laws are. in many states, you can just walk around with an assault rifle and it's completely legal until the moment you threaten someone. which is terrifying. in a country where there's this many shootings, open carry is like having a law where you're allowed to dress up like a clown and sneak into someone's bedroom with a knife. are you here to stab me? no, i'm just testing the law, man. go back to sleep. ( laughter ) let's move on to our main story. ( cheers and applause ) jeffrey epstein. since his arrest last month for running an underage sex trafficking ring there were hopes his upcoming trial would finally expose the full extent of his crimes and who else was involved. but over the weekend, that all became a lot less likely. >> welcome back. we continue to follow this breaking news. accused sex trafficker jeffrey epstein is dead.

sources say the multi-millionaire finance year was found unresponsive in his manhattan jail cell early this morning. officials believed he hanged himself. >> trevor: pedophile and fake billionaire jeffrey epstein was found dead in his jail cell after he apparently committed suicide saturday morning which, if you ask me, is some bullshit. i wanted him to stay alive for two reasons -- one so their victim could get their day in court and, two, i wanted him to snitch on all his high profile pedophile friends! now he's dead! he's gone! you know who we need? we need that lady from "game of thrones" to wake his ass up! that's what we need! come on, jeffrey! what makes this epstein thing worse is we already had questions about his whole pedophile operation. now we have additional questions about how he died. >> this morning, the question on many minds, how did jeffrey epstein die while in federal

custody? >> epstein had been taken off suicide watch and checked by guards every 30 minutes but that procedure was not in place the night before he was found. >> they cleared him from suicide watch on or about july 29, allowing him to return to his cell. >> trevor: yeah, they weren't checking in on epstein and took him off suicide watch. why? like, i'm not an expert on psychology, but if someone tries to commit suicide, i don't think two more weeks of jail would suddenly improve their outlook on life. ( laughter ) you may remember the reason this jeffrey epstein case blew up wasn't just because to have the magnitude of his crimes but his circle included high profile individuals including blintsen, donald trump and scientists and royalty. and because the story involved so many powerful people, many are wondering if epstein likely

suicided himself. >> this is a suspected suicide and it just smells fishy to so many people. >> the timing is so suspicious. this comes just one day after those documents were unsealed. >> i'm not a believer in a conspiracy theory but i believe there's lots of suspicious activity to investigate here. >> twitter erupted with a number of other theories following the shocking news of epstein's apparent suicide, #trump and clinton body count and epstein murder among top trends. the theory was tied to the death of jeffrey epstein. >> trevor: i get everybody else on twitter but the president of the united states is also retweeting conspiracy theories that jeffrey epstein was murdered by the clintons. the president did this, which is pretty wild, because this is the type of moment where you think the president would be the voice of reason.

instead the president is jumping into the fray. you know, he's basically that dad that when a fight breaks out in the little league game, he runs into field but instead of breaking it up body slams the third graders. take that! take that! ( laughter ) trump needs a finster, then he can use the it to go crazy with his racist stuff, conspiracy theories, butt picks, he can git all out and america doesn't have to stress! ( laughter ) but this time, though, this time it's not just trump. seems like everybody thinks that something shady happened here. people on the right were saying it was the clintons who killed jeffrey. people on the left were saying trump killed him. jesse smollett says it was two

white nigerian guys. ( laughter ) i'm not a conspiracy theorist but something weird happened here. like i was thinking maybe it wasn't trump or the clintons. maybe it was -- america. >> this incident should make us all troubled about the jail system. we know that there are many deaths by suicide in jails throughout the country. >> the metropolitan correctional center has been understaffed, leading to low morale among guards, and the two guards in the special housing unit where epstein was kept were both on overtime, one of the guards on his fifth overtime shift of the week. >> sources at the jail tell cbs news they often rely on certain inmates to assist guards in monitoring other inmates due to a lack of manpower. >> trevor: yeah, you heard that right, thanks to overworked staff and underfunded prisons, suicide along inmates is all too common in the united states. with some prisons so understaffed that guards ask other inmates to be on suicide watch for them, which is not

ideal. i mean, what if the person they put on suicide watch is a murderer? huh? what happens then? ( laughter ) he's just like, so, the good news is he didn't kill himself. ( laughter ) so look, man, i'll be honest, i get why everybody is suspicious of how this went down because you would think a high profile person like jeffrey epstein would have eyes on him all the time. but to be honest, i'm not sure there's a conspiracy here. for me, if anything, the conspiracy has been taking place over the hast ten years. first of all epstein magically only served 13 months for his crimes, and in that 13 months he got to leave prison and go to the office six days a week, and the prosecutor sealed the case which protected epstein and co-conspirators and robbed victim of due process. for me, that was the conspiracy. what happened? that was going on there. that was the conspiracy. ( applause ) and maybe -- just maybe what happened here is the result of

their not being a conspiracy anymore and epstein being treated for the first time just like everyone else. bacwe'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) another foodie trip. who even cares? 211 people. thanks, captain obvious. don't hate-like their trip, book yours with hotels.com and get rewarded basically everywhere. that fish is done, carol. hotels.com. be there. do that. get rewarded.

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[ indistinct conversations ] samuel adams sam '76 -- finally a refreshing lager that you can taste. "the daily show." so this weekend was the annuli iowa state fair and because iowans get to vote first in the presidential race, the fair has always been major stop for candidates hoping to win over those crucial vote,. so let's look how the 2020 democrats did in another i digs of world war d. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) the iowa state fair! it's an all-american experience where you can do everything from win a giant stuffed animal to deep fry and eat a giant stuffed animal. ( laughter ) and how do the candidates show

that they can appeal to everyday americans? by discussing healthcare, share education policies? no, they do it by shoving a ton of food in their face. >> the senator of the political universe this week the iowa state fair, the 2020 presidential candidates ready to dive in to local cuisine. >> oh, my god. >> you like it? >> it's so good. ( laughter ) >> oh, my god. sorry. >> corn and hot dogs were meant to be married. >> i could eat this at every meal. >> trevor: yeah, of course. of course, de blasio could eat that at every meal. normally he grinds bones to make his bread. come on, the corn dog is a step up. ( laughter ) the candidates i feel bad for the cory booker because don't forget he's a vegan, yeah, at the iowa state fair! his options are pretty limited. that's like being a satanist on christian mingle, you know? ( laughter )

but turns out at this event the press wasn't only paying attention to what was going into the candidates' mouths, they also wanted to see what would come out of their mouths and in the wake of the el paso shooting and president trump's racist rhetoric, the hot topic was white supremacy. >> frontrunner joe biden and other presidential hope sms are flocking to the iowa state fair and asked flat out if the president is a white supremacistist. >> based on his words and actions, yes, he is a white supremacist. >> he can't have it both ways. he can't keep trying to stir this up, give aid and comfort, be embraced by the white supremacists and say, oh, but not me. no. he's responsible. >> enabling white supremacists as i said earlier, what other conclusion can you come to that he supports it for some reason? >> he's a white supremacist. >> that's what i'm basically saying. >> then say it! >> no, you didn't! he's a white supremacist!

>> he supports white supremacy so what else can you conclude? >> trevor: that got aggressive quick. one minute you're answering questions about pork chops on a stick and another you're getting yelled at to call the president a white supremacist. say id, say id! hold on, hold on! it's like a racist ideology, sometimes they wear robes -- dam independent, just say it! white supremacist! say it, say it! ( laughter ) now, coming into this weekend, former vice president joe biden had a clear lead in the iowa polls, but you know that old story of the race between the tortoise and the hare? this was just like that if the hare was 76 years old and kept sticking his food in his mouth. >> still ahead, joe biden called himself a gaffe machine in the past but is that now turning from a folksy joke to a real

problem? >> we have this notion that somehow if you're poor you cannot do it. poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids -- wealthy kids, black kids, asian kids. no, i really mean it, but think how we think about it... >> trevor: oh, i don't know what's worse, suggesting poor kids are synonymous with black kids and trying to cover it up by listing as many kids as he can and hoping no one notices. white kids, black kids, asian kids, cabbage patch kids, new kids on the block, iowa, thank you! but anyone can make a slip of the tongue. what's worse is a weird memory laps, and biden had tha that, t. >> then in another comment he said that he had met with parkland students after the shooting at that school when he was vice president. but, of course, that was after he had already left office in 2018. >> i watch what happened when

the kids from parkland came up to see me when i was vice president, some of you covered it, and you watched what happened when they went up in the halls of congress. >> trevor: this is super awkward. either biden thinks he was still vice president in 2018, or he's just invented a meeting with parkland kids that never happened. let's be honest, mistakes like this don't help the narrative that he's too old to run. because this sounds like the classic tbrawnd pa mistake, like, oh, you made my favorite turkey sandwich. come give your grandpa a kiss! sir, i'm not your grandson. i just work at subway. but i will take that kiss. ( laughter ) now, with some of biden's gaffes, you at least knew what he was trying to say, but this next one was a little harder to translate. >> here is another sample from joe biden open the campaign trail. >> we choose unity over division, science over fiction,

we choose truth over facts! ( audience reacts ) >> trevor: we choose truth over facts? no, joe! what is going on? like, i know he calls himself a gaffe machine but the machine is going into overdrive right now. and in case you're wondering, trump has noticed biden's many faux pass and is already using them against him. yeah, the one up side is that trump is -- well, he's trump. yeah, because, after biden said, we choose truth over facts, trump tried to come off to biden, but messed it up by misquoting the former v.i.p. and said, joe biden just said we believe in facts not truth! which is the wrong, wrong thing. ( laughter ) like, at this point, i don't know which one of these guys is going to be president, but i know neither of them will be able to get through the oath of office. is this going to be, like, i

donald j. biden trump joseph do solemnly swear to -- ( applause ) this is not going to work out. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) a run to the left side, no foul given, morgan running... looking for one hundred. ♪ [ kids screaming ] a run to the left side, no foul given... morgan running... looking for one hundred. she's got it! ♪ [ kids cheering ] lets have some fun. ♪ with our favorite people.

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight represents massachusetts' seventh congressional district in the house of representatives. please welcome democratic congresswoman ayanna pressley! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: such an exciting time to have you here. i'm surprised that you made it. i thought you would have gone back to the country that you came from.

( laughter ) have you figured out where that is yet? is it wakanda? where is it? where is this world? do you ever think about that and go, like, where is it? >> you know, in all seriousness, i wish i could fain surprise or outrage. >> trevor: right. >> it's a very predictable prompt from someone who has a long history of not only racist rhetoric but racist actions and everyday is rolling out racist xenophobic policies. these are things he does to distract us from the corruptness, the chaos and callousness of this administration, but i cannot pretend this rhetoric is not dangerous, it's exactly why el paso happened. >> trevor: let's talk a little bit about the country as it stands. as a lawmaker, you're in a unique position where you can do more than most people to try to change america in the way that polls have shown that people wanted to change.

let's talk about the shootings. on the one hand you have, you know, the white supremacy and we've heard you speak about that, but, you know, everyone has agreed on one commonality and that is guns, whether the person is a white supremacist, whether the person is mentally ill, is surprised by somebody or just lashing out, the gun is the common factor. what do you think america can do about people's easy access to guns? >> first, i want to say that, yes, guns are the common factor, and the common enemy in all this is mitch mcconnell. and, so, i just want to ask all of you -- ( cheers and applause ) -- to please give him a call and say i sent you, lobby him at (202)224-2541. ( cheers and applause ) whiefned we -- why haven't we acted? this tbufs is a public health crisis and epidemic, this is an urban issue, it is a rural

issues it is a suburban issue, transcendent, a public health crisis and epidemic, it is pervasive and it is growing. new zealand had a mass shooting and, shortly thereafter, they banned assault weapons, so why haven't we acted? because of a deficit of political courage and leadership, despite a mandate -- ( cheers and applause ) -- despite a mandate from this -- from american citizens from every walk of life. now, here's the other thing that i want to say is important -- so tomorrow, we could save millions of lives by passing the assault weapons ban. i mean, again, new zealand acted in a matter of days and banned assault weapons. we could pass assault weapons ban, we could pass universal background checks. i want to give a shout out to my sister in service robin kelly in illinois because we have to address strong gun purchasing.

there are mass shootings and community-based violence. there are more guns than people. as long as that is the case, you are going to see an intersectionality of violence. violence begets violence. how many mass shooters and perpetrators of violence were also abusers of women? these things are all interconnected, so we have to hold space for community-based violence, mass shootings, we have to prioritize whether we are robbed of a life -- they're not lost, they're stolen -- on a city block, mosque, synagogue, church, school, every life matters, we have to hold narrative for both. finally an issue i led in my eight year tenure on the boston city council and i'm proud of my six month tenure as a congresswoman t to convene a committee on oversight trauma. we have to address the trauma gun violence is leaving in its wake and choking at the pro proe of our communities. >> trevor: wow, thank you so much for being on the show.

wonderful to have you. i'm excited to see what else you get up to. congresswoman ayanna pressley, everybody. we'll be right back ( cheers and applause ) ♪ they can't see "good boys". you're too young. -are you kidding? it's fudged up. your parents have an indoor swing? [ "no ordinary love" by sade ] that swing is for sexing. people do sex on it. rated r. wireless network claims are america's most reliable network. the nation's largest and most reliable network. the best network is even better? best, fastest, best. enough. sprint's doing things differently. they're offering a new 100% total satisfaction guarantee. i mean i think sprint's network and savings are great, but don't just take my word for it. try it out and decide for yourself. switch and get both an unlimited plan with hulu and one of the newest phones included for just $35 a month. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com. did you know you can save money by using dish soap to clean grease on more than dishes?

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