and-- marry-- hey, uh, i heard you talking about movies before. and-- anyway, i just watched this over the weekend. i thought you'd really like it. there's a "shrek 2?" oh yeah. see ya tomorrow. nice guy. ooh. male announcer: from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york... "the daily show with trevor noah" presents: "donsplaining." - do i hit the ball good? do i hit it long? is trump strong? people don't know it. nobody knows what that means. right? he knows what i'm talkin' about. [light music] - last night president trump was at another campaign rally. this time in tampa, and, once again, he said something that left us going, "huh?" - the time has come for voter id like everything else. voter id.

[cheers and applause] you know if you go out and you want to buy groceries, you need a picture on a card. you need id. you go out and you want to buy anything you need id and you need your picture. [laughter] - something tells me this guy has never been grocery shopping. like ever. he probably tried it once, but the first thing you see when you walk in is the produce aisle so he just walked right back out. he was like, "ew, vegetables. gross. "oh, 'gross-eries,' i get it now. one day i'll be president!" [sprightly music] - if you have a windmill anywhere near your house, congratulations, your house just went down 75% in value. and they say the noise causes cancer. you told me that one, okay? [imitates wonky cranking] [laughter]

- okay, i've never heard a windmill before, but i'm pretty sure it doesn't sound like a cat in a dryer. "weow, weow. "and don't get me started on solar panels-- "[imitates cartoonish wolf howl] "and what about hydropower? you know the sound water makes. [imitates horse neighing, galloping]" [cheery music] - china and the united states are in a faceoff, a battle for the ages. whoever controls 5g is gonna have an enormous strategic advantage in the future. - if we don't win the race to 5g, america might never really become that leading superpower again. - senator marco rubio compares the race to 5g to the space race with the soviets of the '50s. - yeah, this is serious, folks, and i know right now what you're thinking. you're like, "oh, my god, i can't believe america might lose the race for 5g." and you're also thinking, "what is 5g?" now, i know it's weird. 5g sounds like the worst seats to get on a long flight,

but... 5g's really about the future of the internet, really. actually, why don't i just let the president explain it to you. - it's all about 5g now. we were at 4g and everybody was saying we have to get 4g, and then they said before that we have to get 3g. and now we have to get 5g and 5g's a big deal, and that's gonna be there for a while. and i guess, at some point, we'll be talking to you about number 6. what do you think? you think that's true, asia? - uh, okay. i don't think the president understands what 5g is either. [as trump] "you got--you got 5g "then 6g and then of course there's kenny g, the smoothest of the gs." [elegant classical music] some exciting news for people who do not like dying in a plane crash. - breaking news: president trump says the united states will issue an emergency order grounding all boeing 737 max as

after reviewing evidence from the ethiopian airline's crash. the u.s. is essentially the very last country to ban the aircraft from flying. here's the president. - any plane currently in the air will go to its destination and thereafter be grounded until further notice so, uh, planes that are in the air will be grounded... if they are the 737 max-- will be grounded upon landing at the destination. - can we appreciate how cute he is when he's trying to explain something to us that somebody had to explain to him five minutes ago? he's like, "all the airplanes will be grounded, "but not the ones flying, um... "they can land first, then they will be grounded. "um, some people didn't understand "how you can ground a plane in the sky, "but i'm not those people. i knew always. those ones will be grounded." so as of today, any plane that might be unsafe to fly will be grounded until it can be repainted with "spirit airlines" on the side.

spirit airlines: how are we not grounded? [graceful classical music] this has been a wild week for the trump presidency, making it the 124th wild presidency week in a row. it started a few days ago when trump averted a crisis of his own making by deciding not to impose tariffs on mexico because he said he made a deal. however, critics pointed out that many of the things that mexico promised to do to stop illegal immigration were the same promises that they had made months before, but then trump came back saying that he had a secret deal with mexico, which no one believed. so yesterday he did this. [helicopter whirring] - can you show us? - what is that-- - that's the agreement that everyone says i don't have. so--no, because i'm gonna let mexico do the announcement at the right time. for mexico, they want to go through it, but here's the agreement. it's a very simple agreement.

- okay, okay. there are two possibilities here. and neither of them are good. either the president just whipped out a takeout menu and claimed it's a secret agreement with mexico, which it could be, or it's a real agreement and the president is just walking around with secret documents in his pocket. right, the same guy who was worried about hillary's server getting hacked by russians, meanwhile he could get hacked by a gust of wind. or even worse, a pigeon. 'cause he'd just be like, "and here it is, "the secret document "that--ah! stop that pigeon! "stop that pigeon! it's headed to the kremlin." ♪ announcer: "donsplaining."

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announcer: "donsplaining." [light music] - with all the support behind him, president trump decided to plow forward on proving his case for a border wall. so today, the commander in chief put on his travel barbie outfit and flew down to the southern border to get a first-hand account of the situation, and while he was there he gave us all a drunk history lesson.

- they say a wall is medieval. well, so is a wheel. a wheel is older than a wall. and i looked, and every single car out there, even the really expenses ones that the secret service uses, and, believe me, they are expensive-- i said, "do they all have wheels?" "yes." "oh. i thought it was medieval." the wheel is older than the wall, you know that? and, uh, there are some things that work. you know what? a wheel works, and a wall works. - you know, if a football player got up after a tackle and started talking like that, the trainer would be like, "we need to get you to the locker room now. your brain is not okay." [laughter, applause] and just, by the way, i don't even-- i can't believe we have to say this-- if there are any kids watching that are gonna use this on a history test walls are actually much older than the wheel, right? 6,000 years older than the wheel. [cheers and applause]

like, back in the day, cavemen had walls. so i guess people should stop calling trump a neanderthal because a neanderthal would know that. #notmyneanderthal. president trump is demanding $5 billion from u.s. taxpayers to fund the wall, which is weird, because during the campaign he might have mentioned once or twice another idea for where the wall money would come from. - i will build a great, great wall on our southern border and i will have mexico pay for that wall. [overlapping] mexico is going to pay for the wall. mexico is going to pay for the wall 100%. who's gonna pay for the wall? crowd: mexico! the only thing worse than one trump is many trumps. "mexico's gonna pay for it." that was trump's signature catchphrase. more than any other catchphrase. more than "you're fired." more than "make america great again." even more than "don't tell my wife about this."

but we never should have actually believed that mexico was going to pay for the wall, because every time someone asked trump how mexico would pay he had a completely different explanation. - there will be a payment. it will be in a form, perhaps a complicated form. one way or the other, mexico's gonna pay for the wall. that's right. it may be through reimbursement, but one way or the other, mexico will pay for the wall. the wall will pay for itself on a monthly basis. we're working on a tax-reform bill that will generate revenue from mexico that will pay for the wall. we have a trade deficit with mexico of $58 billion. all i have to do is start playing with that trade deficit, and believe me, they're gonna pay for the wall. they may even write us a check by the time they see what happen. obviously, they're not gonna write a check. it's gonna be paid for by canada by the way. it's gonna be paid for-- maybe i'll get canada to pay. gonna be paid for by mexico. - wait, what? you know, donald trump is truly a legend. instead of admitting that he misspoke, he'd rather try and make canada pay for the wall. he's just like, "yeah, canada's gonna pay--

"i mean--yeah, actually canada's gonna pay i might make them pay for the wall." and shame. canada's so nice, they'd probably do it. they'd be like, "um, this is not really 'aboot' us but i guess we'll pay, eh?" also, what did that mean when he's like, "the wall will pay for itself monthly"? he made it sound like america was gonna go to the wall and be like, "you got our money, wall?" [spirited music] since just yesterday the president has given not one not five, but three separate interviews now, i don't know why i said it that way but what's important is that president trump has been sharing his thoughts on a variety of topics, including his favorite chinese hoax, climate change. - yesterday, when the associated press told him that scientist say it is nearing a point where this can't be reversed, trump responded, "no, no. "some say that and some say differently. "i mean, you have scientists on both sides of it. "my uncle was a great professor "at mit for many years. dr. john trump. "and i didn't talk to him about this particular subject but i have a natural instinct for science..."

- okay. okay, that's... that's interesting. just in case you missed that, trump says he doesn't believe in man-made climate change because his uncle was a scientist and that means that trump has a natural instinct for science. now, he also says he never spoke to his uncle about climate change. he just has the science knowledge. you know, it's in his blood. right? now, i think that's cholesterol but that's not the point. like, none of this makes any sense. just because his uncle was good at science doesn't mean that trump is good at science. that's not how it works. if a pilot has a heart attack, they're never like, "is anyone on this plane related to a pilot?" "my cousin watched that 'sully' movie once." "all right, you land the plane!" - president trump explaining why he is so skeptical of his own administration's report on the dire consequences on climate change. he tells "the washington post"...

- clearly the president doesn't believe in the science or the english because if you're trying to say you're too smart to believe in climate change, it doesn't help when your argument ends with "it's right now at a record clean." like, it makes him sound super dumb. or maybe--maybe trump is so intelligent that he's leaving english behind. maybe that's what it is. yeah. he's developing something totally new. you know, he's like those aliens from the movie "arrival." like, we just need amy adams to interpret for us. - [breathing slowly] - there is a cooling and there's a heating. they go, "global warming." they go, "climate change." they go--now it's sort of--i hear a lot of extreme weather. if it's cold, it's okay. if it's hot, it's okay. if it's windy, if it's hot, if--everything's extreme. trust me, i'm like a smart person. - she was trying. she was really trying. [elegant classical music] ♪ with hurricane florence barreling

toward the east coast, everyone is preparing for the worst. - we have something-- it could be very well very similar to texas in the sense that it's tremendous amounts of water. it's tremendously big and tremendously wet. [laughter] mm. so elegant. so, so, so elegant. trump sounds like he's doing a book report on hurricanes, and he forgot to read the book. he's like, "tremendously big and tremendously wet. "uh--oh, and a lot of people don't know this. "the rain is coming from the top, from the top, high up." ♪ announcer: "donsplaining."

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announcer: "donsplaining." [light music] ♪ [rousing, mysterious music] ♪ - thank you so much for doing this. - it's great to be here today. - so what are we gonna learn about today? - our first republican president, abraham lincoln, ran his first campaign for public office in 1832 when he was only 23 years old. he began by imagittering--

[music slows, stops] - i'm sorry, "imagitting?" - imagittering the benefits a railroad could bring to his port of illinois without ever having seen a steam-powered train. he had no idea. 30 years later, as president, lincoln signed the law that built the first transcontinental railroad, uniting our country from ocean to ocean. great president. most people don't even know he was a republican, right? does anyone know? lot of people don't know that. - i knew, but yeah, sure. [cannon fires] - and then, in the american civil war, a true great fighter and a great general, robert e. lee. - oh, we're learning about him now? okay. - robert e. lee was winning battle after battle, after battle. - [groans] [both groan] [gunfire] - and i'll tell you why. abraham lincoln came home.

he said, "i can't beat robert e. lee." and he had all of his generals. they looked great. they were the top of their class at west point. they were the greatest people. there's only one problem. they didn't know how the hell to win. they didn't know how to fight. they didn't know how. and one day... [paper thuds] it was looking really bad. and lincoln just said, "you." hardly knew his name. and they said, "don't take him. he's got a drinking problem." and lincoln said, "i don't care what problem he has. you guys aren't winning." ♪ and his name was grant. general grant. [crowd cheering] it's unbelievable, isn't it? isn't it unbelievable? [crowd clapping, cheering] it's unbelievable. ♪ and he went in and he knocked the hell out of everyone. ♪

- [yelling] - and you know the story. they said to lincoln, "you can't use him anymore. he's an alcoholic." and lincoln said, "i don't care if he's an alcoholic. frankly, give me six or seven more just like him." - [retches] - grant really did. he had a serious problem. a serious drinking problem. but, man, was he a good general. and he's finally being recognized as a great general. - sure is, yeah. ♪ - grant figured it out, and grant is a great general. [crowd cheering] ulysses s. grant. - [swallows, burps] [bright music] - american rapper a$ap rocky

has been detained by swedish police for his involvement in a suspected assault, and now he spends almost three weeks in jail. now, luckily for a$ap, he has some powerful friends lobbying for his release. and this is not like the usual hashtag stuff. no, these friends have gone straight to the top. - a host of celebrities have been calling for his release, including kanye west and kim kardashian, who have been lobbying the white house, and now president trump is using the weight of his office to get a$ap rocky out of jail. - i personally don't know a$ap rocky, but i can tell you that his tremendous support from the african american community in this country-- and when i say african american, i think i can really say from everybody in this country because we're all one. [laughter] [as trump] "that's right, folks. "we're all one. "and anyone who doesn't agree with that

"can go back to their shithole country. "send her back! "send her back. done." [applause] you know, this is one of those moments where i generally cannot believe that we're living in real life. no, because just--like, listen to the story. donald trump, who is the president of the united states, got a call from his friend, kanye west, to save a rapper from a swedish prison. this sounds like a headline written by a newspaper on lsd. it's just like the craziest shit ever. what's also insane, just by the way, is how, like, powerful kanye west is in this situation. it's almost like he uses his maga hat like a magic lamp. he just, like, rubs it and then trump comes out. he's like, "what do you need?" "got another problem. i need your help." ♪ announcer: "donsplaining."

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announcer: "donsplaining." [light music] - lost in translation. 2020 democrats trying to lure hispanic voters with spanish websites and evidently these websites are really missing the mark. - amy klobuchar's spanish website has a number of mistakes, and we'll begin here with a translation that talks about her announcing her run from inside the mississippi river. kamala harris' website here says "kamala harris wasted her life defending the values of her country." - and i don't even know why fox news is laughing at this, right? of all the people, they can't laugh because, i mean, if they watched their boy trump a few days ago, they would have seen him struggling to translate english into english. - no collusion, no obstruction. i hope they now go and take a look at the oranges. the oranges of the, uh, uh, investigation--the beginnings of that investigation. the mueller report i wish covered

the oranges of how it started. [laughter, applause] i like how... i like how he goes away from the word "oranges" at the beginning, right? at the beginning, he's like, "oh, let's--the beginnings, the beginnings." and then he gets confident. he's like, "no, no, i got this. "oranges--god damn it! "god damn it. the origins. the oranges." can you imagine if you're an immigrant who learned english from listening to donald trump? you wouldn't make any sense. like, if you spoke like trump, you probably wouldn't pass your citizenship test, right? someone would be there like, "the oranges of america have inspired me bigly." they'd be like, "sir, your citizenship is denied." "oh, come on, don't be a covfefe, ah?" ♪ announcer: "donsplaining."

>> sure thing, spade. >> spade: we're gonna start in a second but we usually do a dumb sketch if you want to be in you can be. >> you know if it's okay, i'd rather not. they just sometimes come across as forced or corny... >> spade: yeah, no problem, i they're stupid. he's not into it. a bother. we're not doing it. embarrassing. everybody run. [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central now david spade!