randy: bezos! bezos! bezos! crowd: bezos! bezos! hello, bezos. you can take your fulfillment center and fulfill it right up your ass! you see, there's one thing you didn't count on, and that's tegridy. just look in the eyes of these people. everyone has tegridy now -- tegridy that you will never understand. we aren't just different classes of people anymore. we are a town. [ thinking ] are you all high? all: no...no... why do you ask that? jeff bezos: because i'm over here. oh. hang on... hold on. okay, i got it. anyways... you see, tegridy is something that can't be understood by big corporations. oh, they'll try to package tegridy,

but only i can really package tegridy. i got more money now 'cause of tegridy. that's 'cause i figured out how to get tegridy to everyone. and that's -- now everyone is in this state of tegridy that's impenetrable. am i making sense? [ thinking ] no! the point is, nobody's coming to work for you. so you can take your whole plan and fulfill it somewhere else! [ cheering ] [ thinking ] damn you, tegridy! ♪ ice cold beer, down-home days ♪ ♪ country music and bike parades ♪ we got tegridy all around -♪ round -♪ round ♪ that's life livin' in our colorado town ♪ [ babies crying ] i guess they are offensive. ♪ we don't need nothin' from big corporations ♪ ♪ we don't need progress or fancy educations ♪ ♪ maybe our tegridy keeps us down ♪ -♪ down -♪ down ♪ but that's life livin' in our colorado town ♪ hey, mom. hi, dad. sure are, butters! ♪ now, we gotta learn to live without boxes every day ♪

♪ we might wake up tomorrow and wonder why they went away ♪ ♪ guess you might call us a bunch of white trash hicks ♪ -♪ hicks -♪ hicks ♪ but at least we ain't suckin' no bezosian dicks ♪ tegridy weed. coming soon to a giant online retailer near you. male announcer: from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show with trevor noah" presents... [glamorous music] ♪ - it was a day of record-setting domination on the world stage for the us women. - the defending champions posting the tournament's largest margin of victory ever, shutting out thailand 13 to nothing. - wow! 13 to nothing.

[cheers and applause] that's not a soccer score. america basically won by a touchdown, a field goal, and a three-pointer combined. like, they were dominating so hard, this was their goalie during the game. and it's crazy 'cause if you ever watch soccer in the world, you're like, "this is madness." americans are like, "this is how soccer should be!" i do feel a little bad though, all right, because this is the worst thing to ever happen to a thai soccer team, and yes, i'm including the one that got stuck in the cave. yeah, 'cause at least the cave wasn't celebrating in front of them. "you got all stuck in me!" so this was a historic win for the us women's soccer team, but some people say it might've been a little too much winning. - critic say the team showed poor sportsmanship by continuing to score than celebrate, some calling team usa's behavior embarrassing, overboard, and disrespectful. - i get what people are saying, all right? they're saying that the us beat those teams so hard, they should've been more sensitive, not celebrating every single goal. i mean, at the same time, sometimes,

taking pity can be worse than celebrating, you know? it's patronizing. like, imagine you were in a rap battle, and you're losing, and then the other mc's like, "and another thing-- wait, wait, are you okay?" so the big question is, has this tarnished the reputation of us women's soccer? well, from all in this, we're joined by someone who's embarrassed america many times while overseas, desi lydic, everybody. [cheers and applause] desi, people are saying the us women's soccer team was unsportsmanlike. do you agree? - oh, no, no. they were not being unsportsmanlike, trevor. they were being american. our slogan is, "america, [bleep] yeah," not-- [audience whoops] right? not, "america, oh-sorry-we-won." we're the country that won a war 200 years ago and we're still shooting off fireworks to rub it in britain's face. - so you're saying it's not arrogance. that's just how america rolls. - exactly. it's how we roll on the battlefield. it's how we roll in the soccer field. it's how we roll at our daughter's piano recital,

which she totally [bleep]ing won, by the way. - desi, i don't think you can win a piano recital. - no, you do if all the other parents' cars get their tires slashed, and suddenly, orchestra night becomes tiffany night. i love you, sweetie. you made beethoven your bitch. - okay, you're a good mom, i guess, desi. but don't you feel even a little bad for thailand's team? - what? thailand? no, this has nothing to do with them. our women weren't playing against thailand. they were playing against the patriarchy. that's what this game was really about. - well, last time i checked, the patriarchy wasn't made up of 13 thai women. - no, no, no, no. no. i'm talking about this. - 28 players are suing their employer, the us soccer federation alleging institutionalized gender discrimination. - according to their lawsuit, the women's team earns just 38% of a male player for the same kind of work. - the women scored more goals in one match than the men's team has scored in every world cup appearance since 2006 combined.

- you see that? the women's soccer team is doing so much more and getting paid so much less than the men's team. it's like finding out that tony stark got paid less than hawkeye. one's a superhero. the other's a dad who's into archery. [laughter] yesterday was about the women's team trying to prove their worth. they weren't just playing to win a game. they were playing to win a lawsuit. and yeah, you know what? it sucks that thailand had to get caught in the crossfire, but it's like i said to the parents at my kid's music school. "it's not personal, and i'll pay for your tires." - so--so you're saying the women's team was just sending a message to us soccer? - yes, and clearly, that message was that they need to be paid more. oh, and, i don't know, maybe us soccer should pay the men less. maybe they then be motivated to actually qualify for their world cup. goal! [cheers and applause] whoa, goal!

goal! goal! goal! yes! [shouts] goal! [big band music] i'm desi lydic. - and i'm dulcé sloan. - and we're attorneys at law. - just don't google that. - right now, republicans are trying to legislate what a woman can and cannot do with her body. so if you're a woman, you might feel like your only options are to either leave the country or marry your vibrator. - mine's named jorge. - but our law firm has a better solution. - incorporate that pussy. - that's right, because corporations are the one thing republicans don't wanna regulate. so we'll turn your business into a business, and in their eyes, you'll go from baby maker to moneymaker. - we're regulating your vagina. - but it's a business now. - well, in that case, here's a tax cut. [bell dings] - so call us today and make sure your private sector stays private. - we're talking about your vag. - and all that other stuff down there.

- everything but the butt. no butt stuff. [bright trumpet music] - body positivity. - mm, yes. - you know, one thing that has been thrust upon you by people, you know, because of your album cover, because of the way you conduct yourself, people have gone like, "wow, she is so brave. "she's so confident in her body and the way she looks and it is so beautiful and so brave." but i've--i've been interested in how you... [stammers] you've really dismissed it and been like, "no, i'm not doing this for your 'brave label.' i'm just me." what does that mean? - well, you know what's interesting is, before the term "body positive" was just kind of, like, mainstream thing, i was just making music about my body that was positive. and i think that it's so interesting that now body positivity is, like, this buzzing term. there's no term for body negativity because it's the norm. it's what we expect. so at this point, i realized that my mere existence is a form of activism, especially in the body positive community, and i wear that hat really well with-- or not wear that hat at all...

[laughing] according to this photograph. [laughter] [audience whoops] you know? i wear nudity well, and i wear my body and my skin well, so i'm just gonna continue to be that, but i'm nobody's celebrity totem. there's--you can't make an example out of me. i'm literally here making music so i can live a more positive, healthier, happier life, and if that changes the world one song at a time, then so be it. woman: go, girl. [cheers and applause] - are you kidding me? [trumpet fanfare] ...6, 7, 8 ♪ ♪ ♪ big dreams start with small steps... ...but dedication can get you there.

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well then chill your reese's, dessyou'll eat it slower.ast? i wouldn't know i swallow mine whole like a duck. not sorry. reese's. [hip-hop music] [glamorous music] ♪ - being a woman can cost you apparently an average of $1,400 a year thanks to gender price discrimination.

- if you're a woman, just about everything costs you more than similar products marketed for men. - it's called the pink tax. i needed to investigate by testing some products, but i wasn't gonna fall victim to price discrimination by actually paying for them. two razors-- one blue, one pink-- otherwise identical. does the pink one give a silkier shave? only one way to find out. [investigative music] ♪ what? i'm a full-time working mom. what do you expect? ♪ [razor scritches] they're exactly the same. could this be an isolated case? i continued my investigation. we need a patriarchy cleanup in aisle 13. ♪ two painkillers-- one marketed for lady cramps. question is, which is more effective?

♪ [sniffing, exhales] just as i thought-- same active ingredient. this is bullshit. why do products cost more for women than men? - well, a classic marketing strategy is what they call, "shrink it and pink it." - oh, yeah. i had that surgery. - that's not what we're talking about. in this case, what we're saying is, though the company will take the basic version they made for everyone, then market that towards women. they'll make it smaller. they'll make it pink. - yeah. same--same thing. - basic economics 101. it goes right to their bottom line. - yeah, i mean, that's the whole point of the surgery-- went to my bottom line. you know... [fwhips] - but there's one lawmaker, congresswoman jackie speier, who's been fighting gender discrimination for over 20 years. - get rid of the gender tax. women, on the average, pay $5 more for a haircut than does a man. - they should be paying you to get those haircuts, but that's not the point. - the pink tax is a insidious institution in america. and mind you. women are still making 80¢

for every dollar earned by a man to do the same job. and if you're a woman of color, you're making even less money. - i ran the numbers, and overcharged plus underpaid equals the square root of, what the [bleep]? [screams] it's so unfair. it's like when someone has blue eyes, everyone falls in love with them, but you get pink eye once, and suddenly, you're kicked out of your neighbor's hot tub. it's 3:00 in the morning. what are they gonna use it for? women aren't just getting discriminated against with goods, but with services as well. - haircuts, tailoring, dry cleaning. - research has shown women pay more than men 42% of the time. in fact, a recent study shows it starts from the time you were born until the day you die-- as displayed in some of these products we have with us today in a game we call... - $34. - $244. - oh, great. so while your little girl's learning how to walk, she'll also learn how to navigate the system that's exploiting her.

sorry. [bright musical flourish] - these are two children's snorkels. - 8.84. 16.22 for the pink? so women literally have to pay more to breathe. sorry. [bright musical flourish] - 28 women's diapers for $15.98, but the men get 32 diapers for the same amount of money. - this is why i stopped pooping. [bright musical flourish winds down] and just like me, this system is full of shit. how can women afford to live in this world? - if the man's version is cheaper, then just buy that one. - yeah, sure. if you think about it, it's just one extra step in a series of extra steps that women take every day to thrive in a man's world, like how we get up a little extra early every morning to put on an outfit that looks professional yet accessible, but not too accessible because we don't wanna be taken advantage of, or how we walk an extra five blocks to work so that we can avoid the construction zone because men like to tell us to smile more. then when we get to work, we wanna make our voices heard,

but in a way that's helpful and strong without being overbearing or shrill. you know, we do all of this without even an ounce of resentment because resentment causes wrinkles, and society does not value aging women. [soft dramatic music] is there a men's wrinkle cream that you can recommend? - yes, there are several. - i'm sure it costs less. - maybe a little. - there's gotta be a better solution. - i'm introducing the pink tax repeal act. we have got to get the federal government to protect women from this gross discrimination. - that's right. speier is ready to give the pink tax some blue balls. but why stop there? - i think there has to be an outrage. women should say, "why is this more? "this is discrimination. i'm gonna call corporate." - got it. be outraged. make our voices heard. take it into our own hands. until the repeal the pink tax act gets passed, i'm gonna make up for all the shit we've already paid for

with the help of my little pink friend. [grungy rock music] ♪ perfect-- giving women their money back one item at a time. we'll call it desi's dick tax-- strong enough for a man, but priced just for her. [step ladder clatters] [trumpet fanfare] - woman deserve basic civil rights in this country. and they deserve to make these fundamental decisions about their bodies and their families with their doctors. and i don't think this is something that we should back down on, and i hope that women continue to fight because since president trump's been elected, women have been marching. the 2018 election cycle was about women running for office and winning, getting the women's votes out. so women are on fire, and if this is a fight that president trump wants with the american people and america's women, it's a fight he's gonna have, and it's a fight he's gonna lose. [cheers and applause]

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brand power. helping you better. [hip-hop music] [glamorous music] ♪ - wall street has long been thought of as a boys' club, riddled with coke-fuelled steak orgies. [bell dinging] and as all movies set in the 1980s have shown, the sexist debauchery had no limits. but according to recent articles, wall street is finally addressing its culture of sexual harassment in response to #metoo. could these bros really be going from degenerates to "digentlemen"? this is really exciting. you covered a story that i'm thinking about ripping off as my own story about how the culture is really shifting on wall street

and how men are actually changing their actions when it comes to #metoo. - that's right. they are changing their actions when it comes to #metoo, but not in a way that benefits women. - oh, okay. sorry. i-i didn't really read it. i'm busy. - and in fact, it's--it's quite the opposite. #metoo seems to be having a backlash on wall street where men seem to think that they should stop interacting with the women that they work with. - what? - and we actually spoke with some men who were rethinking about ever even hiring a woman again. and we talked to this one man who said that he doesn't have dinner with women under 35 anymore. - that's the stupidest shit i've ever heard. what are they afraid of? - there seems to be an actual paranoia that some women will make up a false accusation against them that could ruin their careers. - so men are pretending that women are pretending that men are harassing them? makes no [bleep] sense. to observe these men in their natural habitat,

i had to approach them carefully. - i could turn this around and say, you know, i know plenty of women that are very aggressive now, "want to be men," want to go to chippendales. they want booty calls, they... there are women bosses out there that abuse their power. so-and-so. see how she got the position because-- - this woman right here? - no, no, just saying. i've heard of a woman who grabbed a guy's ass or, you know, touched him, and he was married and didn't like it. - [stammers] - fathom. - i wouldn't know why somebody would do that. - right, i don't either, especially when it hasn't really happened. - yeah. - now we know firsthand how hard it is to be a woman on wall street. but no one knows better than sallie krawcheck, a ceo and 30-year finance veteran. - when you get, particularly, a bunch of young guys together, and you get as i did when i started out xerox copies of male genitalia left on your desk... - oh, my god. - uh, yes. - wait, what's a xerox? - and the research tells us that

sexism and sexual harassment continue to exist. 81% of women say they've been sexually harassed at work. - 81%? - yes. - so tell me about the hundreds of thousands of false accusations against good, upstanding, totally non-douchey wall street men. - zero men have lost their jobs on wall street in the #metoo movement. - so then why are men so concerned about being falsely accused? - if 81% of women are saying they've suffered sexual harassment from men, then some number of men are sexually harassing. - so a false allegation is about as common as getting struck by lightning during a shark attack, but men are still using it as an excuse to discriminate against women. i feel like we're at the point now where we're just gonna have to do something that's a little more permanent. - no. - oh. - my solution--you just frigging promote more women

because women can make wall street stronger. - sell, buy, sell. you're doing great. you're fired. - when you have greater diversity in senior leadership, you have better business results, higher returns, and it's good for the economy and the markets and the companies. - i think that's it. - mm. - sexual harassment is like insider trading and over-gelled hair-- it's all over wall street, and it needs to stop. but if things are ever gonna change, men need to quit seeing women as sexual objects and start seeing them... [bombastic hip-hop music] as financial assets. ♪ [cheers and applause] [trumpet fanfare] - years ago, i just decided i was sick and tired of reading terrible parts for women, and if it wasn't good enough for me, and it wasn't good enough for my friends, it wasn't good enough for my daughter to be watching how women were represented in the world. so i just decided to do it myself and... [laughing] started buying books and turning them into tv shows. and i just finished one with jennifer aniston,

which was really great, for apple. and then i'm starting-- my next one i start next week is with kerry washington based on a book called "little fires everywhere." - you read, like, four, five books a month? - i read a lot of books, yeah. - and then you just go like, "i'm gonna turn these into movies." - some of them. not all of them. - no, i mean, like, the ones that you really love though. - yeah, the ones i really love, yeah. - you just take your passion and you create something from it. - yeah, because i think there's a better spectrum of female-- the female experience than what we're really seeing in film and television and then... - right, right. - the great--the emergence of streaming has made that just an opportunity to broaden the storytelling for women and for every-- every person that feels like they haven't seen themselves represented in film. it's a great time to be a creator.

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whiskiest whiskey [hip-hop music] [glamorous music] ♪ - in other news, as the debate over abortion rights rages on in america,

things have gotten a little testy on capitol hill. - it is tiring to hear from so many sex-starved males on this floor talk about a woman's right to choose. [indistinct chatter] - mrs. speaker, i would just like to ask my friend if she'd like to-- to change her last-- her last statement. - if it pleases my colleague on the other side, i will withdraw my statement about sex-starved males on the floor. - god damn. [laughter] all right, that was gangster. that was really gangster. because those guys are so mad, but they don't know what to do. "mr. speaker, let the record show that i smash. i smash!" i actually feel bad for those guys because it's a trap, right? you don't know what to do. if you don't get mad, it looks like she's telling the truth about your sex life, but if you get mad, it looks like she hit a sore spot. like, what do you do? although it would be funny if this whole thing

ended up with republican congressmen testifying about how much sex they have. i'm just waiting for mitch mcconnell to come out on c-span like, "[imitates accent] oh, no, real talk, sir. i bust a nut in the morning, and, uh, "and for good measure, i bust a nut at night too. [babbles]" [dramatic violin music] 12 years ago, you started the oprah winfrey leadership academy in south africa, which is honestly one of the most amazing institutions... [cheers and applause] because it goes beyond just a school. - yes. - it's an idea. - yeah. - you've gotten girls in a country where-- - thank you for saying that. - no, it really is. it's an idea where you've said to these young black girls, who are powerful and empowered to be like, "hey, be the best you can be." - yeah. - and you are creating leaders. but what you found-- and you speak about this-- is that there was a pressure that came with that where they went, "i went to oprah's school, which was i have to be everything." - yeah, but you only have to be yourself because there's nobody else in the world who's quite like you. and what your real job is to do is to come to the world and understand that your job is to figure out what it is you have to offer.