ven we can hope for is one here on earth, now. we should stop waiting to get into heaven and start trying to create it. all: aw. - oh, that's so beautiful. [sobbing] - and i was dumb enough to believe saddam could actually be up there building bombs. - ♪ where were you ♪ when they decided heaven was a more intangible idea ♪ ♪ and couldn't-- you couldn't really get there ♪ you little bastards ruined my latest song! - well, i'm sure glad this is all over with. let's go count our candy. - yeah, but what about kenny? his soul is still in cartman's body. - no, no, i just drank his memories. i'm not sharing my body with that poor piece of crap. stop calling me poor, you fat dick! oh, jesus christ. - whoa, kenny, you in there? - stop it! where am i, you guys? oh, god! - dude, come back here! - stop him, kenny! - keep those nitrogen capsules over there by the warheads. right, chop! chop! come on! - saddam, i've been hearing rumors

that you're secretly building weapons of mass destruction up here. - weapons of mass destruction? no, this is a chocolate chip factory, see? - it looks like a chemical weapons plant. - look, god, if like a chemical weapons plant, would i? i'd make it look like a chocolate chip factory or something. - all right, just checking. - stupid asshole. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com comedy central >> from comedy central's world

news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. thank you so much for tuning in. and thank you for coming out, as always. thank you so much. i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight is a 16-year-old climate activist who sailed across the atlantic because she refuses to fly on planes. greta thunberg is joining us, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, vaping will be illegal. lewis black is here to save the future. and one of the world's biggest drug dealers is finally paying up. so let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick it off with some big news out of washington because

the vaping industry may be about to go up in smoke. >> president trump will propose banning all flavored e-cigarettes after the c.d.c. reported at least six people may have died from vaping-related illnesses. >> vaping has become a very big business, as i understand it, like a giant business in a very short period of time. but we can't allow people to get sick, and we can't have our youth be so affected. and i'm hearing it. and that's how the first lady got involved. she's got a son together that is a-- a beautiful young man. and she feels very, very strongly about it. ( laughter ) >> trevor: she's got a son? ( laughter ) you mean the son she made with you? ( laughter ) how on earth does trump forget that he has a son? he's like the world's worst dad. it's like him and darth vader, you know. ( laughter ) no, actually, that's wrong. at least darth vader claimed his

son. if trump was the dark lord he would be like, "luke, she is your mother." ( laughter ) but, look, you can't fault trump for not being super eager to claim responsibility for his son. i mean, the dude has been burned twice. let's be honest, you know. but back to the story, back to the story. the trump administration is planning to ban all flavored e-cigarettes, which i think is a great move. because clearly these companies have been targeting kids, right. i mean, just listen to the flavors. you've got mango, jelly bean, birthday cake. those are clearly for kids, right. adults don't flavor their drugs. like, i watched "narcos," there was never a moment where someone was like, "let me sample your product, man. ah, yeah, butterscotch, i like it." ( laughter ) moving on. while 10 democrats are gearing up for tomorrow's third democratic presidential debate, one candidate who will not be on the stage has figured out a way to have his voice heard. >> in the race for the white house, presidential candidate tim ryan is trying a new approach to reach voters,

through the music streaming service spotify. ryan released a policy album that people can listen to. it has 10 tracks that include his stand on gun control, immigration, and climate change. it's titled on spotify "a new and better agenda." >> trevor: okay, okay. tim ryan has released a policy album on spotify? ehhh! ( laughter ) yeah. i mean, it might be a good way to connect with voters, but it's going to mess up somebody's date night. yeah, because what if shuffle is on your spotify, you have somebody over, you're trying to set a romantic mood, you know, and all of a sudden the music is playing. ♪ i'll make love to you then all of a sudden: "and now my policy regarding the capital gains tax." actually, wouldn't it be something if this blew up and tim ryan had to quit politics because he's now the biggest music star. ( laughter ) reporter is like: "tim ryan, are you going to be at the next debate?" "no, man, i'm going to be

opening for cardi "b." beo stage like, new york, make some noise if you like student alone deferments." >> mcdonald's plans to speed up the drive-through. it acquired apprente. it specializes in conversationation voice-based technology. it understands different accents and mcdonald's expects to allow more accurate ordering through the drive-through. >> trevor: yes, mcdonald's is going to use computers to take our orders at the drive-through because they say a.i. will be more efficient. honestly, i don't know how i feel about a robot at the drive-through. what are you going to explain. i want to see the manager. and the terminator comes out. is there a problem here? no, sir, i wanted this roach in my fries. but i do appreciate mcdonald's trying to speed up service for people with accents. that's a cool thing.

the thing is i don't think accents were the problem at the drive-through. you know what's slowing it down. it's the picky assholes who slow down things. "can i get a number one with no. drinks and no fries. and instead of burger get the chicken mcnugget. "that's the number 5. just order the number 5." "no, i prefer the number one." and i amend it, okay. no matter what, i'm in favor of mcdonald's increasing their line efficiency because that means it will give president trump more time to spend with his wife's son. all right, that's it for the headlines. let's move on to our stop story. ( cheers and applause ) the opioid crisis. over the course of two decades, millions of americans have become addicted to these painkillers. and after years of people demanding that someone be held accountable, the drug companies are finally starting to pay a price. >> there is word tonight of a settlement involving thousands of lawsuits tied to the opioid crisis. oxycontin maker purdue pharma

has reached an agreement with 20 states and about 2,000 local governments over its role in the deadly epidemic. the company will pay up to $12 billion over time, with $3 billion coming from the sackler family. they own purdue pharma, and will also give up control of the company. >> trevor: you know, i'll be honest with you. i'm torn about this story. yes, i'm happy that the opioid companies will have to pay, but at the same time, they misled sick people about how addictive their drugs were. they also lobbied to lift limits on how many opioids doctors could prescribe. and then now that they've made billions of dollars off an epidemic that caused countless deaths, they just get to be like, how about we give you some of that money back and we'll call it even. i think it's bullshit. i'll be honest. it's like somebody broke into your house, stole your stuff, and got busted, and they say, how about we break off 100 even. that's my wallet. "okay, $120, 120 but i get to

keep the library card, okay?" even though this opioid crise has been in the news the past few years, the family who profited most from a lot of this devastation has managed to remain fairly anonymous. but now, we're finally meeting the men behind the curtain. >> for the first time, we're now seeing and hearing from dr. richard sackler, the former chairman and president of purdue pharma, respond to questions under oath. >> do you know how much the sackler family has made off the sale of oxycontin? >> i don't know. >> do you know if it's over $10 billion? >> i don't think so. >> do you know if it's over $5 billion? >> i don't know. >> but fair to say it's over $1 billion. >> it would be fair to say that, yes. >> trevor: really? really? this guy is going to act like he doesn't know if he made a billion dollars. get the ( bleep ) out of here, man. see him acting like he's thinking about it, "did i... i guess you could say." he's acting like he had to count up all that change. "i did get $10 from grandma. made $150 from the yard.

$1 billion for lying to thousands of americans and killing them with painkillers. oh, and i got the library card, yeah, the library card." and the sacklers, they aren't the only ones facing consequences for their role in fueling the opioid epidemic, right. everyone's favorite baby shampoo company has also been told it's time to pay up. >> yesterday, an oklahoma judge ruled that opioids ravaged the state and ordered johnson & johnson to pay $572 million. the judge said that the company intentionally misled the public about the dangers of its drugs. >> johnson & johnson's stock was up as much as 5% since the company was ordered to pay far less than many investors expected. >> trevor: yeah, you heard that right. johnson & johnson stock actually went up after they were fined $572 million because they expected the punishment to be much worse. they expected the punishment to be worse. yeah. and that tells you something. it's like a guy coming out of the shower and his girlfriend is like, "ah, you you've got some explaining to do. i was looking through your

phone, and who is this puppy you met? it is adorable. ( laughter ) you know i love puppies. why didn't tell me?" and the guy is like, "oh, yeah, oh, the puppy that i'm totally not having sex with, yeah, the puppy." ( laughter ) so as it stands, these drug companies are going to pay a bunch of fines, not even admit responsibility, and no one seems to be going to jail. which is insane when you think about it. like, just think about the levels here. prosecutors want felicity huffman to go to jail for cheating in a college admissions scandal. they want her to go to jail for that. but the people responsible for thousands of american deaths get to walk away way slap on the wrist. these people are basically very formal drug dealers who are now protected just because they're a corporation. but if you look at someone like el chapo, what's the major difference? it will be like it's more violent. yes, but fundamentally, he's a drug dealer. they were drug dealers. the feds took his money, and he's spending the rest of his

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." when a new story falls through the cracks, lewis black catches it for a segment we call "back in black." ( cheers and applause ) >> technology! it's everywhere-- iphones, tablets. here in new york city, we've even replaced our old phone booth with giant screens. and i'll admit, it's a lot harder to take a dump in them. but i usually figure it out. the point is no matter where you

look, there's a screen. and i think it's great. you know, when i was a kid, all we had to stare at was that thing on my uncle harry's neck. ( laughter ) it was mesmerizing. ( laughter ) but, surprise, surprise! the thing we liked most is as bad for kids as a weekend at jeffrey epstein's. >> an alarming report that every parent should see: how much screen time doctors say is too much. >> there's a new danger that doctors are concerned about now. all that screen time is prematurely aging their eyes. and the damage could be permanent. >> a group of doctors say kids use so much tech that they cannot hold a pen or pencil because they lack the hand strength and dexterity. >> one doctor arguing that all screen time can even turn kids into psychotic junkies. >> psychotic junkies! come on! kids are psychotic junkies! ( laughter ) with or without phones! ( applause ) haven't you ever been to a

chuck e. cheese? bring out a pepperoni pie and see who doesn't get the shakes. ( laughter ) if kids are just becoming crazy now, then why did i get a vasectomy 30 years ago? but, apparently, kids having too much screen time is a bad thing. so some parents are forcing their children to take a vow of abstinence. >> thousands of parents are taking a pledge to wait to give their child a smartphone. >> more than 20,000 people have signed the "wait until 8th" pledge, committing to wait until the eighth grade to give their child a cell phone. >> i saw these kids flooding out at the end of the school day, and all of their heads were down and they were completely oblivious to the world around them. >> that's right, kids. get off your phone and look at the world around you. ( laughter ) you're missing all the hate crimes, pollution, and sweet, sweet death by vaping. ( laughter ) wait till eighth grade to use a phone? good luck with that.

if you don't introduce these kids to technology immediately, they might as well be amish. if i had a kid-- ( laughter ) if i had a kid, he wouldn't be out back milking a cow. he'd be shackled in his room beta testing his new block jane i.p.o. i don't know what the ( bleep ) i just said. but who cares? i'm going to be rich! ( applause ) still, i get why regular parents limit screen time. but what really pisses me off is that the parents most worried about the screens are the ones who gave us those screens in the first place. >> you might think silicon valley movers and shakers are consumed by the technology they create, but a growing number of parents in the tech industry are restricting or banning screen time for their kids. >> take a look at what some of the people who make those products want their kids to do with them. this private silicon valley classroom turned its back on tech. >> more parents in silicon valley are asking nannies to police their child's screen

time. in some cases, the addiction is so bad, they're asked to hide the technology all together, and sign a "no phone" contract. >> hold on a second! so these screens are fine for our kids but not for yours! you silicon valley people don't get to shield their families from the problems they created. in fact, every time they introduce a new brain-zapping gizmo, they should have ( laughter ) "hey, kids! daddy made something that might cause cancer. could you stare at it for me?" ( laughter ) ( applause ) these tech pushers need to stand by their own product. that's why i love the kool-aid man. not only is he kool-aid. he carries around an extra jug of kool-aid! ( applause ) just in case he runs out of himself! now, that's what i call integrity! ( laughter )

but it's not realistic to expect silicon valley to take responsibility for their actions. that's why, as a public service, i, lewis black, have developed an app to help keep their kids off their phones. it's super high-tech. take a look. ♪ ♪ >> put your goddamn phone down! ( laughter ) whoa! there is a lot of porn on this phone! trevor? >> trevor: lewis black, everyone. we'll be right back.

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an amazing 16-year-old climate activist whose solitary school strike for climate outside the swedish parliament inspired a global youth movement. >> adults keep saying, "we owe it to the young people to give them hope." but i don't want your hope. i don't want you to be hopeful. i want you to panic. i want you to feel the fear i feel every day.

and then i want you to act. >> trevor: yeah. she recently sailed-- ( cheers and applause ) to new york city in a zero-emissions racing boat to participate in the upcoming global climate strike and u.n. climate action summit. so, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to "the daily show," greta thunberg. ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the daily show." >> thank you so much. >> trevor: and welcome to new york city. you came here on a zero-emissions boat. and part of me thinks that's because you love the climate. the other part of me wonders if that's just your viking heritage. ( laughter ) >> maybe it is.

>> trevor: it might be? >> yeah. >> trevor: tell me why you did that. why didn't you fly to new york city to come and, you know, speak at the u.n. and, you know, inspire people to move forward in the climate change movement? >> i did it because i have, since a few years, stopped flying because of the enormous impact aviation has on the climate individually, and just to make a stand. and i am one of the very few people in the world who can actually do such a trip. so i thought, why not? >> trevor: wow. ( applause ) i mean, i know i wouldn't do that as a kid. and i wouldn't do it now. ( laughter ) but what is inspiring is your determination. and what's inspiring is that it doesn't just affect other young people. it's started to affect older generations in sweden, in germany. people are starting to call it the "greta effect," where people are taking more trains.

since you started this movement, they say they're ashamed to fly unnecessarily in europe. your mom is an opera singer and she stopped flying, which means she couldn't perform the way she used to. do you sometimes feel bad she can't perform, or are you more excited that she's not part of, i guess, polluting the planet. >> i don't care, honestly, about how she performs. ( laughter ) ( applause ) she's-- she's doing musicals now. so, i mean, she had to change career, but it wasn't that big. ( laughter ) >> trevor: and the planet is the most important thing for you. >> yeah. i( applause )ll of us, i think >> trevor: why do you think-- why do you think young people are so focused on climate change now? there's a definite disconnect between older generations and younger generations when talking about the climate. why do you think that is?

>> i mean, i think it is because we, in a way, feel like it is more a direct threat. others feel like, "i won't be alive then, anyway, so screw it." ( laughter ) but we-- we actually know that these consequences will face us during our lifetime. and it is already happening now. and it will get worse. and so i think that it's why so many young people, especially, care about this. and, of course, the awareness is not as it needs to be. it's not as much as it needs to be. people are still very unaware, is my experience. and so we need to continue. but you can see that among young people, the concern is bigger. >> trevor: what do you think people need to learn about climate change? many people have heard of the climate warming up. some people have a small

understanding of what it means. but what do you think is lacking in the understanding of this issue? >> i think pretty much everything. because, i mean, we know that something is wrong, that the planet is warming because of increased greenhouse gas emissions, and that might lead to the ice caps will melt, and the global temperature will rise, and there will be more extreme weather events, and so on. but they-- they don't understand how severe this crisis actually is. and it is because they have not been informed. i mean, we are right now at the beginning of the sixth mass extinction, and people don't know these things. >> trevor: what do you think people should do? and what do you think government should be doing.

>> right now, if i could choose one thing everyone should do would be to inform yourself and try to understand the situation, and try to push for political movement that doesn't exist. because the politics needed to fix this, doesn't exist today. so i think what we should do as individuals is to use the power of democracy to make our voices heard, and to make sure that the people in power actually cannot continue to ignore this. >> trevor: that's powerful. ( applause ) wow. ( cheers ) do you-- do you feel a difference in the conversation traveling from sweden to america? is there a different feeling around climate change? >> i would say yes, because here it's-- it feels like it is being

discussed as something whether you believe in or not believe in. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and where i come from, where i come from, it's more like it's a fact. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: so then i have to ask you this: you sailed from europe to new york city. new york city is quite an assault on the senses-- ( laughter ) --when you come from anywhere else. what is the biggest thing that has stuck out to you in new york city? >> i mean, just everything. all the impressions, everything is so much, so big, so loud. ( laughter ) and people talk so loud here. ( laughter ) and because when you are on that boat-- when i was on the boat,

there is nothing. there's just the ocean. and, of course, the sound of the waves crashing, but that's it. no-- no smells. ( laughter ) apart from sweat. >> trevor: right. >> so i remember the first thing i noticed when i-- when we came into the harbor was i woke up, and suddenly i smelled something. ( laughter ) and, of course, it was pollution. but it's still something. and that's-- and that was... it was undescribable. ( laughter ) to go from this extreme environment. you're disconnected from everything and everyone. you only have yourself and the ocean and the boat, of course-- to new york. ( laughter ) >> trevor: that is an accurate and brilliant description of new york. ( laughter )

it is undescribable, and it smells. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i think that is fantastic. i'm excited for your journey. i can't wait to see what else you're going to do. thank you for making time for us. >> thank you. >> trevor: the next global climate strike will be on friday september 20. to find or register your local strike, go to fridaysforfuture.org. greta thunberg, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) gatorade.

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