rselves. - we just didn't want the girls giving us diseases. - i'm afraid this is all my fault. i think i went a little overboard scaring the girls. i forgot to tell them that to get diseases from boys, you have to have sex with them first. kids: oh. - well, i hate to say it, but you all got what you deserve. all: huh? - look, schools are teaching condom use to younger and younger students each day. but sex isn't something that should be taught in textbooks and diagrams. sex is emotional and spiritual. it needs to be taught by family. i know it can be hard, parents, but if you leave it up to the schools to teach sex to kids, you don't know who they're learning it from. it could be someone who doesn't know, someone who has a bad opinion of it, or even a complete pervert. - what? why did you pan to me just now? what the hell's that supposed to mean? - he's right, i never knew how special and personal sex was until just recently. - this whole mess started because we couldn't talk to our boy ourselves. - it's easier to just leave it up to the school, but it's just not a school subject. - then it's decided; no more condom classes in grade school. kids: hooray!

- but, chef, when is the right age for us to start having sex? - it's very simple, children. the right time to start having sex is... 17. - 17? - 17. - so you mean 17, as long as you're in love? - nope, just 17. - but what if you're not ready at 17? - 17, you're ready. - well, i guess we got a while to wait before we worry about sex and diseases, huh, wendy? - yeah, thank god. - well, i guess now that that's out of the way, we can get on with our lives. come here, boy. that's it, red rocket, red rocket, come on, yeah. come on, red rocket, dog. red rocket now. - okay, children, so what other sexual positions did we talk about? yeah, the wrap-around butt grab. sure, can't forget that. uh-huh, reverse cowgirl. good, kevin. hot lunch? yeah, she likes that.

>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! thank you for coming out! wow! let's do it! let's make a show! i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight is an activist and one of the stars of "the good place." jameela jamil is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: also on tonight's show, america is sending a dead body to egypt. you will never have to sit next to a baby on an airplane again. and trump is getting impeached.

( cheers and applause ) a lot of trump fans in the audience. let's catch up on today's headlines. first up, some exciting news from the world of history and art. >> new york's metropolitan museum of art has sent a stolen antique back home. the met returned the golden coffin of an egyptian priest. it was smuggled out of egypt after the revolution in 2011. the coffin dates back 2,000 years and forged documents were used to sell it. >> trevor: the metropolitan had a gold coffin smuggled out of egypt. it was smuggled in someone's ass. not easy. ( laughter ) but they used forged documents, how should we have known this 2,000-year-old coffin belongs in egypt? how does someone fool you? see, i've got the receipt!

when i see this image, i think why don't we bury people like this anymore? not the gold part. just like painting face on the coffin. i think that's cool. i want to be buried like that. because when you die, your face is so sad. i think they should repaint our faces on the front of the coffin so when you die, you're there and what they do is they close your coffin face on top of your other face, then you can have your cool face, because the death face is like -- and the other face is, mm-hmm, i'm dead, i'm dead -- ( laughter ) if you've ever lost sthg something, don't give up hope. iceland recorded one of the craziest lost and found stories of all time. >> interesting story about an iphone that fell from an airplane, found a year later with a recording of the fall. pilot was flying over iceland in summer of 2018 trying to record a flooded river and he dropped the plane. there it goes out the window, down, down and fud.

he tried to find the phone but no luck. after a year later a land owner called the pilot and said people out for a walk discovered the phone. >> trevor: guy dropped a phone out of the plane and it works? but somehow i drop mine from the toilet to the ground and it shatters into pieces? that is some bullshit! ( laughter ) you know what would be funny is if the pilot was trying to get rid of the phone. you never think of this, what if he was in the plane and got a text message and she says, who's stephanie? and he's like, aaahhh! i guess we'll never know. now a year later, she's, like, who's stephanie? he's, oh, i dropped it on the bathroom floor. ( laughter ) if you love flying but hate crying babies, fly japan. >> japan aerials is coming to the passengers who don't want to sit next to crying babies. the map shows where babies will be seated on upcoming flights.

this is good news for parents traveling with babies as well because they can congress gate around travelers with babies who won't mind being around them. >> trevor: what a genius move! japan airlines will show you where the babies are on a plane before you book your seat. best invention in flying since the seatback tray. before the tray when you asked for orange juice you just had to be, like, yes, please, yes. ( laughter ) i love this idea, i want to see where the babies are on a flight because nothing worse than thinking you're going to sleep on a plane but you're sitting next to a tiny crazy person. that's what babies are, a tiny crazy screaming and shitting themselves and eat their feet. what are you? i hope this means more babies will sit next to each other because that's the only way you can ever get a baby to stop crying. ever been around babies? one baby cries, and another baby sees that one and they will be,

aaahhh! and the other will be, like, whoa, what's doing on there? is someone going to deal with this? so i love the idea. i also don't think we should stop there. yeah, i just want to know where the babies are on a plane. i also want to know where the dude who snores is going to be on the plane. i want to know where the person who gets up and goes to the bathroom five times an hour is going to be on a plane. and i definitely want to know where the people who talk to you the whole flight will be on the plane. talk sphorg the runway. once we get over 10,000 feet, you shut up, i'm not your friend. we talk here. you're -- oh, cool, seat belts go on, mouth goes off as well. so congrats to japan airlines for letting us see the crying babies and spirit airlines let you see where the adults will be crying. spirit airlines, you will wish you were sitting next to a baby. let's move on to our top story.

impeachment ( cheers and applause ) it's the congressional version of the morning after pill. three dissince nancy pelosi speaker of the house and woman who hands out tums on halloween announced former impeachment proceedings into president trump. let's catch up the absolutely tremendous fantastic road to impeachment. >> no other president should ever have to go through -- the problem superintendentle harassment -- ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: it is safe to say, this has been one of the wildest weeks of donald trump's presidency, including the week he got fake dreadlocks and spoke like a ja jamaican president, te mexicans are coming over the wall, mack, mack, mack! ( laughter ) monday, the ukraine scandal broke up, tuesday democrats

opened impeachment inquiry, wednesday the call came out and today the secret whistleblower complaint that kicked the whole thing off has finally been released. >> major breaking news in the impeachment investigation into president trump. the house intelligence committee released the whistleblower complaint. this is the second paragraph. "in the course of my as i recall duties i have received information from multiple u.s. government officials that the president of the united states is using the power of his office to slits interference from a foreign country in the 2020 u.s. election." >> trevor: that's right. the whistleblower's complaint has accused the president of soliciting foreign interference in america's election which is really bad for trump. what's even worse is that this entire complaint is only nine pages long, which means people might actually read it. ( laughter ) hell, if it had a few pictures, trump himself might even read it. ( laughter ) because you guys don't remember, but that was one of the big problems with robert mueller's

report, it was, like, 500 pages. no one wants to read 500 pages. give me the secret to eternal life. 500 pages. yeah, i'll just die. bury me in a gold coffin, i'm fine. ( laughter ) now, this document reiterates a lot of the things we already saw in the transcript of the trump-ukraine phone call, but it also goes beyond that. you know how trump and his allies keep saying there was no pressure to ukraine, no pressure on them to investigate biden? well, the whistleblower's complaint says differently. >> there was an understanding with ukrainian officials that to get a meeting with president trump, they had to play by ground rules and those ground rules dealt with vlgt talk about the biden investigation. when you go to the whistleblower complaint where it says multiple u.s. officials told me the ukrainian leadership was led to believe that a meeting or a phone call between the president and president zelensky would spend on whether zelensky showed willingness to play ball. >> trevor: according to the whistleblower, trump refused to

speak with ukraine unless they agreed to play ball and investigate joe biden. this must have been confusing because to ukraine play ball means soccer but to trump play ball means chasing the meatball that fell out of his sub. i'll get you, meatball! i got your family, i'm coming for you! ( laughter ) trump and his defenders are saying the whistleblower's account is fake. they say the whistleblower is basing all of this on second-hand information. he didn't hear the calls and he hasn't seen anything himself. they also point out that the president ofo ukraine himself said yesterday that he never felt any pressure from trump. although, if you actually watched the ukrainian president say it, you might come up with a different impression. >> president zelensky, few felt any pressure from president trump to investigate joe biden and hunter biden? >> i think you read everything. so i think you read text.

i'm sorry, but i don't want to be involved to democratic open elections of u.s.a. no, we had, i think, good phone call. it was normal. we spoke about many things, and i -- so i think and you read it that nobody pushed it -- pushed me. >> in other words, no pressure. ( laughter ) >> trevor: okay. okay. i don't want to contradict the president, but i don't think the translation of that was "no pressure." ( laughter ) that man seemed like he was under intense pressure. i mean, he actually said, i don't want to get involved, i mean -- that's not a comfortable phrase you ever say when you're comfortable. how are you feeling? i don't want to get involved, i'm so comfortable. you can't ask him that question in front of trump. it's like asking the hostage how he's being treated while the kidnapper is right next to him.

how are they treating me? oh, it's amazing, yeah, last night they even gave me toilet paper. i love it here. ( laughter ) you can't ask him in front of trump, man! ( laughter ) so the whistleblower's complaint accuses trump of pressuring the ukraines, while trump and his people say they did nothing wrong and that the call he made to ukraine was completely fine. in fact, trump himself said it was perfect, completely fine, the most perfect call ever made of all time. ( laughter ) but here's the thing, if there was nothing shady about that call, then why did the white house staff work so hard to make sure that it never saw the light of day? >> this whistleblower was hearing from people inside the white house. these people were deeply disturbed by what had transpired in the phone call and details how there was an effort to lock

down the phone call to make sure only a very limited number of people had access to it so they put it on basically a separate server. >> they took it outside the normal channels and put it in a channel normally reserved for highly classified information. the most highly classified information. >> trevor: that's highly suspicious because if the call was see so perfect "why did trump's people want to get rid of it middle east? that's only something you do when you're trying to hide shady shit. when you come home from school and your parents told you grandpa died of natural causes and we threw the body in the river, you would have follow-up questions. why did you throw it away is this grandpa just needs to go, like, right now, right now. ( laughter ) basically, white house officials heard the call and moved the record of it from a normal computer to a more private server so no one would see it. and this is a new scandal about a private server, #throwback

thursday. ( laughter ) ( applause ) wouldn't it be nice if this was the meet cute that brought trump and hillary together? he calls her up and says, i finally understand you, crooked hillary, we're the same. ( laughter ) but the biggest revelation about this private server isn't just that it contains the phone calls with trump and ukraine, it's that it might contain many more. >> the complaint adds that this was "not the first time" white house officials used an extra secured server meant for classified and especially sensitive information. >> that means calls with other world leaders were set aside, covered up. who are those other world leaders? >> trevor: that's right. who are these other leaders, what are the conversations? we thought this was just a ukraine story but that secret server could contain multiple conversations trump doesn't want anybody to hear and nobody has access to those calls so there's no way to find out, or at least

there was no way to find out. because you see "the daily show" has a secret spy -- ( laughter ) -- deep inside the white house, melania, and thanks to that spy -- ( laughter ) -- we have been able to get our hands on a few of those embarrassing calls. >> yaw, this is angela merkel. >> angela, if you don't help me win my reelection, i'm going to tell everyone hitler was german. >> welcome to popeyes, may i take your order. >> mr. popeyes, if you don't let me try that new spicey chicken sandwich, i'm going to declare you a terrorist organization. >> dad, it's my birthday, tell me you love me. >> i'm too busy. >> come on. >> fine, i love you. put this call on the private server, no one can ever know this ever happened. >> trevor: not good folks, we'll be right back. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

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if you're a fan of the "how to train your dragon" trilogy. then you're going to love "abominable". ♪ it's nice to have a friend "the daily show." donald trump and the democrats are heading toward an impeachment showdown, but will it turn out to be a blockbuster like " avenu avatar" or a totale of time like "avatar." we break it down with desi lydic, our impeachment analyst. what do you think this whistleblower complaint means for donald trump's presidency? >> trevor, this whole thing has me so mad. look, if these allegations are true, then our president -- and forgive me for using the n word here -- is a complete nincompoop. >> trevor: oh, you had me nervous for a second. yeah, i agree. i agree. i think everyone is angry that the president abused his power like this. >> okay, take it easy, maddow.

i'm mad because our dip shit president can't even get impeached right. he's wasting his one impeachment on taking down joe biden. joe biden will take down joe biden! the guy's already gassed himself out of two elections! look, when it comes to biden, all you have to do is just wait it out and he'll go away. he's like a cold or my parole officer. that guy is so obsessed with me, by the way. >> trevor: i think that's illegal. so, desi, you don't think trump abused his power? >> no, if anything, he didn't abuse it enough. look, you only get one impeachment, you've got to make it count. presidents used to understand that. andrew johnson defied congress. richard nixon had the saturday night massacre. bill clinton got a b.j. in the oval office! ( laughter ) head! mouth candy! the old pac-man. >> trevor: pac-man?

>> yeah -- ( making sounds ) >> trevor: i got it. >> my point, is trevor, trump has blown it. he might get impeached for gossipping on the phone like a little bitch -- ( cheers and applause ) i mean, like a waste of a wonderful opportunity! it's like when i gave my husband a hall pass and he used it to kiss karen from the p.t.a. karen! you know what i use my hall pass for? i murder (~bleep ) pierce brosnan! >> trevor: that is insane! >> i know, karen from the p.t.a.! >> trevor: desi lydic, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) displfntl

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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an actor who stars in the critically acclaimed nbc series "the good place." she's also an activist and the founder of the "i weigh" movement. please welcome jameela jamil! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ welcome to "the daily show." >> that's cute that they stood up. they do it for everyone, i know. >> trevor: no, they stand up because some people are here because they just want to see you, they don't even care about me. ( cheers and applause ) some people are offended that i speak till you come out. just get to jameela, that's what we're here for. >> fair enough, mate, fair enough. >> trevor: welcome to the shore. >> thank you. >> trevor: and congratulations on what is it, season three now? season four of "the good place." that started tonight.

>> final season. >> trevor: congratulations. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: i love the premise of the show because -- well, it's like the afterlife, and some people are in hell, some in heaven, but some people are mixed up on where they should be. where do you think you would be, the good place or -- no, i'm saying -- >> i'm an actress, i would go straight to hell where i belong. ( laughter ) who makes money this way? yeah. >> trevor: do you think you would be in hell? yeah, where are you going? will i see you there? >> trevor: i think i'll get into heaven because of my mom. i think my mom has prayed enough. they will be, like, yeah, she's got a plus one, come on in. that's probably what it will be for me. the show has been really popular. eth got an interesting vibe about what the story is. but you have become really popular on the show not just because of your character but because of the back story. this is your first acting gig. you were a teacher. >> no, i have a teacher and a tv host, so i used to do what you do. >> trevor: okay. >> for less money. >> trevor: yes.

( laughter ) >> and i moved to america, didn't know what i was going to do. >> trevor: so you were getting paid in pounds. >> yeah. >> trevor: so you were getting paid more. >> probably the same because of the economy. >> trevor: that was brexit, not my fault. ( laughter ) >> i moved here to be a writer and i got an agent based off the script i wrote and that same agent was representing people at the good place and said we need a pakistani, overly tall english woman. so i went for the audition and got it. >> trevor: i heard people in the show say jameela is -- i don't read comments on youtube, just real life. jameela is one of the funniest people you will ever meet, but she is also one of the most like what people say woke people you will ever meet at the same time. >> right. >> trevor: like how did that journey begin? we all grow up in the world that we grow up in. >> yeah. >> trevor: i always say wokeness is learned. i don't think anyone wakes up and they're, like, this is how

the world works. >> yeah. >> trevor: where did the journey begin? >> around 19 years old is when i started activism -- in-activism, rather, and it's an ongoing journey. it's an uphill struggle, i guess. it's something that you're constantly learning and no one is perfectly woke. no one knows all of the answers, everything is constantly updating us in humanity and we need to update alongside it. i call myself a feminist in progress because i consider myself never fully formed, and i think that that helps me know that i always have more to do and more to learn, and i can always be and do better. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: it is interesting that you say feminist in progress because it does feel like we're in a world where everyone wants to be heard, rightfully so, but then the conversations around it can become so visceral. no one wants to listen in and around these conversations. you have been very quick to take it. if someone says you didn't include these people or excluded

people in the conversation, you go, yes, i'm sorry, i'll include them and move on. does it ever get tiring to do that or how did you decide to they can that approach? >> no, i only have the freedom i have now because other people before me fought for women of color to be given opportunities i'm now able to benefit from. so, no, i never tire of being corrected if i'm wrong. i have more to learn and i'm grateful people don't patronize me and they think i can take the criticism and i can. >> trevor: right. >> i think the thick we are sometimes searchin searching fol purity and you will never find that. all you can find is progress and not perfection. ten years ago, i was problematic in my thinking and there were loads of things i didn't know and didn't understand and thought i was right about and had i been counseled at that time, i would have never gone on to become someone who now spends all their life fighting for women's rights and people who's lives are marginalized and who is now able to get instagram and facebook to change their global policies to protect young

people. so thank goodness i didn't get counseled. >> trevor: ( applause ) >> trevor: this is a powerful movement you spearheaded is you got the social media companies change how they viewed what advertising people were able to see under the age 18. you have been very vocal against people advertising the tummy ts and all the super diet fads. >> they're all laxatives. you just shit fire. sorry. ( laughter ) so anyway, no, but unfortunately there are a lot of impressionable young people that don't know the t is a scam and a lot of these ideas are scams. >> yes. >> trevor: you went to the social media companies and said it's your job to do something. what are they doing? >> they have made it possible for anyone under 18 to see cosmetic procedures being sold or any kind of diet or de detox

products. we have been letting anyone see anything but heroin injected under your juice freely on the internet. this is just the start of what i'm doing. next i'm moving on the legislation because we need to get this stuff off the market and away from children. i'm someone who took these products and i will never get my full health back so i'm damned this is going to happen again 20 years later. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: wow. i think i'm going to see you in heaven. i'm just putting it out there. the final season of "the good place" airs thursday at 9:00 p.m. on nbc. jameela jamil, everybodiu every. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ when your energy is spent

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