[ cheers and applause ] welcome back to the only tv show that thinks there are too many shapes of pasta. five is plenty. next week, a cheerleader who's brave enough to take a knee. [ audience groans ] [ screaming ] [ valley girl voice ] drama! teen girls always make such a big deal out of everything. [ normal voice ] come to my show in vegas, and while you're there, feel free to chisel steve wynn's name off anything you see.

don't forget to buy tickets to my tony-nominated show in new york city. the baby name of the week is beetlejuice, beetlejuice, beetlejuice. and finally, it's your nascar highlight of the week... [ men making "nyoom" noises ] [ man screaming ] [ man making "zzt" noises ] [ men making "nyoom" noises ] anybody else think that cheater kevin harvick's car sounded funny? that joke is for my base. my apologies to the deaf community who will not be able to understand that video. goodnight. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah.

( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. thank you so much for tuning in. thank you for coming out. thank you so much for coming out. i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight-- our guest tonight, was the national security adviser to president president obama. here to talk about her new memoir, susan rice is joining us on the show, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) we're going to have a lot of fun. also on tonight's show, the pope is getting horny. lewis black is here to fix health care. and donald trump is cock-block congress. so let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick it off with pope francis, leader of the worldwide catholic church and president of the tall hat club club. francis has shaken up the church for years now.

he said he disappoint judge gay people. he said your pets will go to heaven. and now he's considering maybe the biggest change yet. >> pope francis signaling a possible depasture from a centuries-old tradition in the catholic church-- the requirement of celibacy for priest is open for debate. during mass yesterday, the pope didn't refer to the celibacy issue but warned if we spend our days content that this is the way things have always been done, then the gift vanishes, smothered by the ashes of fear and concern for defending the status quo. >> trevor: oh! the pope is considering getting rid of the celibacy rule for catholic priests. and i'm going to be honest-- i'm happy about this. but it is going to be awe little bit weird when you start seeing your priest on tinder. yeah. ( laughter ) he's going to be there like name of the father, the son. swipe left, swipe right. oh, priests having social lives is going to affect their sermons, right? they're going to be preaching,

we know from genesis that it was just adam and eve, but if there was, say, a zoe in the mix, eve would understand. i also like it. i really like it because i think it's cool that the pope is looking to update the church. i think religion should always be updated. if he's interested i have suggestion of my own. do we need to go to mass? it's 2019, maybe a podcast once a month. just to mix things up. also, why is the communion waver so bland. how about a bowl of hummus to go with it opinion body of christ. tasty. see what i'm saying. and while we're at it, that song... like, just update the whole thing. just come out like pope-pope-pope. we're all getting blessed! ( cheers and applause )

( laughter ) my church will be dope. all right. let's move on from getting saved to a fine whiskey. but you hate washing tblass. good news. >> forget tide pods. there are now whiskey pods. glenlivet unveiling their new capsule collection saying no ice, no stir, no glass, we're redefining how whiskey can be enjoyed. the pod of whiskey is encased in a pod made of seaweed extract. for now, they are not available for purchase in the u.s. >> trevor: yes, finally, a whiskey you can hand out on halloween. ( laughter ) "here you go, kids! watch wash down that candy with some of this. i get why they're doing it but doesn't make drinking whiskey less cool. can you imagine don draper being like, "don't worry about the account. i have everything under control." ( laughter ) i think, like, whiskey pods make

no sense, you know, because whiskey is not about speed. it's about enjoying it, the flavor, the smoke, the conversation that goes with it. you can't condense that into a pod that explodes in your mouth. you're losing the ambiance. it's like going up to people watching a sunset and g, don't waste your time with that! i'll just blast this flashlight in your face! it's the same thing!" ( laughter ) so i don't know, i think whiskey pods are not a good innovation. i'm going to get drunk the old-fashioned way, soaking a tampon in whiskey and putting it up my butt. let's move on to our top story. impeachment, it's how america tells a president, "it's not me, it's you." and right now, a president with great and unmatched wisdom is fighting off an even greater and more unmatchedder scandal. so let's catch up on all the latest updates with our ongoing segment, the fantastic road to

impeachment." >> probably presidential harassment. >> trevor: the big news today is that the white house has taken its fight with congress to the next level, officially sending word that is will not participate in any aspect of the impeachment probe. yeah, which is crazy, like, trump can't just decline to participate. like, this is not the vietnam war. ( laughter ) and this new tactic, this new tactic threw everything for a loop because you see today was meant to be the big day when congress would hear testimony from gordon sondland, ambassador to the e.u., and jeff ross stunt double. but just before the c-span cameras started rolling, the white house pulled the plug. >> we're following breaking news this morning and it's moving qekly, the white house block e.u. ambassador gordon sondland from testifying before congress minutes before he was set to appear on capitol hill. he was set to testify behind closed door on the ongoing

impeachment of president trump. democratic adam schiff calling it strong evidence of obstruction. >> trevor: donald trump's white house blocked an ambassador from testifying in front of congress. i bet trump was scawrd the ambassador would exonerate him too much. trump is like, "i have to maintain my bad boy image if i'm going to run these streets." ( laughter ) so at the president's behelt, sondland pulled out of this impeachment hearing. people hadn't heard of gordon sondland. it appears everything trump wanted from ukraine went through him. >> there's almost no one who was more involved in pushing the president's priorities in ukraine than gordon sondland. >> even before president trump spoke to the president of ukraine, gordon sondland, the u.s. ambassador to the e.u., had been pushing the ukrainians to commit to investigations mr. trump wanted.

>> the ambassador to the e.u., gordon sondland, worked behind the scenes to help carry out trump's wishes in ukraine, a country that isn't even in the e.u. >> trevor: another that's your first red flag right there: trump's ambassador to the e.u. was getting involved with a country that wasn't in the e.u. that's not his jurisdiction. that would be like santa doing the tooth fairy's job. that's not cool. because then it's just a creepy old man standing over your kid's bed. "what are you doing?" "nothing weird. i'm just buying your kid's teeth. now that i am saying it out loud, that sounds weird." and the reason congress is so intent on having sondland testify isn't just because he was at the center of the ukraine scandal. it's also because he has text messages that show what was going on behind the scenes. >> text messages given to congress show sondland and another diplomat discussing a

possible link: >> on september 9, bill taylor, the top u.s. diplomat to ukraine texts, "i think it's crazy to withhold security assistance for help with a political campaign." sondland responds, "i believe you are incorrect about president trump's intention. the president has been crystal clear no quid pro quos of any kind." adding, "i suggest we stop the back-and-forth by text." >> taylor texted gordon sondland, saying security conditions and white house meetings are conditioned on investigation. sondland's response, "call me." >> trevor: okay, i-- i don't know if these guys are guilty or not, but you have to admit, those texts look hel-a suspicious. the only time you say, "stop texting, let's talk on the phone" is when something shade segoing down. it's 2019. nobody talks on the phone. the only reason to talk on the phone is to wish your grandmother a happy birthday or to commit criemedz. or to commit crimes with your grandmother on her birthday.

"all right, nana, you tell me who wins at bingo and i'll take care of the rest." ( laughter ) at the same time, i don't blame sondland for wanting to shut down those texts because do you see what's happening there? the guy he is texting with is being so explicit, "i don't think it's a good idea to commit this crime." it's like yo-yo. he reminds me of the one guy on the bachelor party group chat and he said, "see you at the cocaine and the hookers." it's like, delete, delete, delete. now, in response to the stonewalling, the democrats have issued a subpoena to ambassador sondland. but that may take months or long tore wind its way through the courts. in the meantime, congress is also hoping to hear testimony from the whistleblowers. and, remember, there are now two whistleblowers. there's the first whistleblower who has secretaryhand information and the second whistleblower with firsthand

information. and then you have trump, with small hand information. normally getting testimony from a whistleblower might not be such a big deal. but this time, they're talking about taking extra precautions to conceal this person's identity. and it could be because the whistleblower is shy, or maybe it's because the president has implied they should be executed. i don't know. either way, democrats are looking at some novel ways to ensure the whistleblower's safety. >> the house intelligence committee is taking extreme measures to protect the whistleblower from a president itching to learn his identity. >> and this country has to find out who that person was, because that person is a spy, in my opinion. >> there are growing concerns about the whistleblower's safety. it's still unclear when the whistleblower might talk to lawmakers. but the committee is considering using an offsite location, limiting staff and members who could be present. possible steps include a remote location for testimony, and perhaps masking the person's face or voice. >> trevor: wow! maskmasks and fake voices just o make sure that trump doesn't

know who this person is. seems a bit extreme. i mean, all they really need to do is disguise the whistleblower as trump's daughter tiffany. and he will be like, "who is this person? i have never seen her before in my life." ( laughter ) now, i understand why congress is being so careful here. this is serious stuff. i also think at the same time this could be a big opportunity for the democrats. because, i mean, if you're going to be disguising the whistleblower, why not take this thing one step further and turn it into the tv event of the year. >> coming soon, a top-secret, incremental hearing in the impeachment process. will have everyone asking, "who is the masked whistleblower?" sworn testimony that will have celebrity panel guesses. >> donald trump used the power of the presidency to try and dig up dirt on his political rival. >> i am so freaking confused right now. i don't know who i am. >> the president is trying to hide evidence that he engaged in

an illicit quid pro quo. >> wooo! >> this fall, everyone will be asking, "who's behind the mask?" "the masked whistleblower." coming soon to congress. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) you've got to do it. and let's do.g it.

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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." when a new story falls through the cracks, lewis black catches it for a segment we call "back in black." ( cheers and applause ) >> everybody hates the american health care system. it's expensive, it's broken, and it's the reason i do all my own dental work. you can't tell, but all my teeth are tic tacs. ( laughter ) but on top of being awful, we're now learning our health care system is also disgustingly deceptive. >> tonight, millions of americans rush to the emergency room, then slammed with surprise bills. nearly 65% of hospitals across

the country use emergency rooms staffed by outside companies. it's a loophole that allows providers to charge patients more because the e.r.s are considered out of network. liz canon who had insurance and even verified that her hospitals and doctors were in network before the procedure was on the hook for nearly $94,000. >> a surprise bill for $94,000! thafor that kind of money, i ber come out of surgery as a goddamn transformer. then i can turn into an ambulance and take myself to the hospital for free! and what's all this crap about doctors being out of network? if you're not in my network, then get your finger out of my ass! not only are hospitals robbing us blind, the worst part is, they're making all of these prices up. >> even if it's not an emergency, we found there can be

surprising swings in what a given procedure or test can cost. the cost for an ultrasound of the abandon in dallas ranged from $115 to an estimate of $2,459. from $100 in the bay area, to $2800. and where the price is set can affect your cost, whether insured or not. >> anywhere from $100 to $3,000? who's setting these price, contestant on "the price is right?" ( laughter ) $3,000, 100! everybody's right! guess what? i can make up numbers, too. how about i pay $1, asshole! ( cheers and applause ) so hospitals and insurance companies want to keep prices a secret. but luckily, a surprising hero wants to make a buck, so they're

putting costs out in the open. >> groupon, famous for deals on everything from sky diving to concert tickets is now offering patients discounted medical treatment. it could help you avoid the headache of a surprise medical bill. patients can find $91 mammograms in atlanta, and $54 heart scans in oklahoma city. chest c.t. scans can sometimes cost over $1700 depending where you live. at crown valley imaging in l.a. with groupon you paw a flat rate of 299 bucks. >> so that's where we've gotten to. we have to rely on shitty website for our health care. boy, that's going to be fun! "i think i'm having a heart attack. hold on, let me see in groupon has a deal. great, i'll get one heart surgery and a yoga class!" ( laughter ) now, obviously, congress should outlaw surprise medical bills.

but, obviously, congress won't do shit. that's why i took matters into my own hands and started the lewis black clinic. are you tired of surprise medical bills? then come on down to the lewis black clinic. you won't find any surprise bills with me, because at my clinic, everything costs $100, no matter what. liver transplant, $100! open heart surgery, $100! a candy bar, $100! and that better be in cask! >> you took the wrong hand! >> yes, but we didn't take your savings. >> thanks. ( laughter ) >> and at my clinic, you'll never be surprised by a diagnosis because i'll warn you ahead of time. bad news: you've got herpes. >> you haven't even looked at the test result >> no, but you just look like a

guy with herpes. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so stop by the lewis black clinic. the only surprise will be if you leave feeling better. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) trevor! >> trevor: lewis black, everyone. we'll be right back. ( chee

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight has helped shape dipolmacy and foreign policy under two u.s. presidents, most recently serving as national security adviser and ambasador to the united nations under president obama. her new memoir is called "tough love: my story of the things worth fighting for." please welcome susan rice. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to the show. >> it's great to be back. thanks so much. >> trevor: it has been a while since i have seen you. the last time you were here on the show i guess was maybe three days before the presidential election. did you see any of this coming, anything that we're living through right now? ( laughter )

>> i kind of did see it coming-- not what we're living through now, but the possibility that trump would get elected, as i write about in the book. >> trevor: right. >> but, you know, those times, just think back-- it was a time before we were all losing our mind on a daily base. it was normal. >> trevor: right. >> you know? it was normal. and now, gee whiz-- or jesus christ, more accurately. >> trevor: when you look at the white house today, people are saying, things are freaking me out." is that normal or is this a special time and a strange white house america is experiencing? >> this is not normal. this is beyond strange. yes, the white house is an intense place, the jobs are tough, blah, blah, blah. but people are not crazy.

( laughter ) and you don't wake up thinking that, "oh, my god, tomorrow everything could just literally fall apart." so this-- it's important for americans to understand that this is not normal. that's part of what i hope people will get out of this book is that, you know, there is a way that national security decision making is supposed to be made. there's a way a responsible white house is supposed to work. there's a way policy gets made that is actually supposed to be conducted in the interests of the american people, rather than the interests of one man, for his own personal, political, or financial gain. we are in totally-- we're in the twilight zone. >> trevor: i've been particularly interested about what's happening in the trump white house. when it comes to leaks. regardless of whistleblowers, but the leaks. some people say the leaks are holding trump back from being a president, because a white house cannot function effectively if you're leaking every step of what is happening along the way.

do you think the leaks are a good thing? do you think they're a bad thing? do you think people should have blind loyalty? how do you think it should work when you're working with a president in the white house? >> well, first of all, if you talk to journalists-- and i have a number of friends who cover the white house-- they'll tell you that trump is the leaker in chief. he's the one putting out a lot of this stuff. but what's also so depressing about the trump white house as somebody who's worked in the white house. these are hard jobs. and, yet, everybody there is stabbing everybody else in the back. nobody can trust the guy in the office or the woman down the hall not to be screwing them to the press. and that-- there's this sort of sense of, you know, everybody trying to destroy everybody else. and trump being the one that you don't know if you're going to come into work one day and, you know, halfway through the day he tweets that you're gone. >> trevor: let me ask you this. let's talk about, for instance,

syria. if you were advising in and around syria, and the military decisions that are being made right now, donald trump has bee >> it's not about "i." the whole problem with trump is it's all about "i." it's not an america-first foreign policy. it's a me-first foreign policy. the united states-- ( cheers and applause ) the united states of america had an understanding with the kurds, which he has honored for two and a half years. and, yes, it began under president obama. we worked with the kurds. they did the fighting, in effect, for us, to take out isis. now we have turned around because donald trump woke up on the wrong side of the bed, or president erdogan of turkey promised him something-- and i'm actually really curious to know what it was-- in order for him to sell these guys out without

consulting anybody on his national security team. and what is going to happen now is not only will we have broken our word and left these people vulnerable to turkish invasion-- and these turks want to kill the kurds. i mean, it's that simple. but, also, there are some 10,000-plus isis fighters, terrorists, who are-- the kurds have been holding in detention. >> trevor: as prisoners, yes. >> and now they have to go defend themselves without the united states against the turks. do you think they're going to be paying attention to those prisoners? or do you think maybe they're a little bit pissed, and they just might lose the key? that's 10,000 or more hard-core terrorists who have the united states and europe in their crosshairs that donald trump has just let go. for what? that's why everybody's so pissed. this is as serious as a heart attack. >> trevor: wow. when you looked back on everything you have done,

everything you achieved, everything you were part of, is there anything you wish you could have done differently? >> well, i write in this book how my mother warned me not to go on the sunday shows in 2012 when i went on to talk about benghazi. he literally said, "i smell a rat." the rat was not that it was somebody setting me up. her perception was when you're in a crise and you're the first person to go out and share that information, that information is inevitably going to change, and the message will be assailed, not just the message. and she was right. and i think maybe others of my colleagues perceived that better than i did, too. >> trevor: wow. >> but so the lesson, everybody, is listen to your mother. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> trevor: whether you're in government or at home, listen to your mother. >> and that's what i tell my kids! >> trevor: thank you so much for coming back to the show. >> thank you so much. >> trevor: "tough love" is available now. ambassador susan rice, everybody.

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