and that's means that the only person i can't trust... is myself! [gunshot] - looks like murphy and jankins got what they deserved. if it weren't for you boys, we would have never cleaned up the department. - alright, detectives, let's get one thing straight! i do not agree with your methods! you're uncontrolled, and you're negligent... but, by god, you get the job done. congratulations. - thanks. - i'm probably gonna regret this, but, well, i'm promoting you to full detectives. there'll be lots more action and that big paycheck you've always wanted. - i think i have a better idea. - hello, sir, welcome to the broflovski laundromat. - yes, i have a suit i need dry cleaned and pressed, please. - certainly. - here you are, mr. mckormick, your laundry is all done and folded. that will be $9.95. on your american express. - fellas, hey fellas!!! i got it! i got my semen sample! - you did? - yeah, i was up there poundin' my wiener

for two days straight, and then finally i thought about stan's mom's boobs and this little tiny splooch of this white stuff came out! - that's great, butters, but we're not playing detective anymore. we're playing laundromat owners. - would you like those pants cleaned for $4.95? captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause )

>> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. thank you so much for tuning in. thank you for coming out. as always, thank you so much for coming out. i'm trevor noah. we have two guests, two guests joining us tonight. first, her new memoir is about her search for redemption in america's prison system. cyntoia brown-long will be joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) and then after that, we're going to chat with a superstar comedian and an actor who is out with her first book. ali wong is going to be on the show! ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, china is joining the lakers. you never have to touch your phone again. and the trumps and bidens play family feud. so let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick it off with some sports news. the conflict between the n.b.a. and china over the hong kong protests continued this week. but now, king james has stepped into the frey. >> in hong kong tonight, basketball superstar lebron james under fire, his famed jersey up in smoke, furor

growing over his response to this tweet sent by houston rockets general manager daryl morey earlier this month in apparent support of antigovernment protesters. >> i don't want to get into a feud with daryl. but daryl mora, but i believe he wasn't educated on the situation at hand. >> those comments setting off a political brushfire here at home, republican senators quick to pounce, rick scott of florida writing, "clearly, king james is the one who isn't educated on the situation." nebraska's ben sasse, you're parroting communist propaganda. china is running torture camps and you know it." >> trevor: yes, lebron james is take a lot of heat for not taking a stand against china and their oppression, with people even burning his jirs nehong kong. which, by the way, if the n.b.a. kept statistics of most jerseys burned, i think lebron would nominate that, too. hong kong burpd his jersey, cleared burpd his jersey.

forget nike, lebron should be sponsored by kingsford lighter fluid. that's what they should do. they're killing it on every field. ( applause ) normally, i would agree that n.b.a. players shouldn't have tow know the intricacies of east asia policy, but at the same time, dennis rodman is basically the u.s. ambassador to north korea. i don't know what the rules are anymore. i don't know how it works. i also understand why people think lebron's comments were insensitive or misguided, but at the same time i get where he's coming from, because the houston rockets g.m. slammed china on twitter when lebron was on his way to china. so lebron was probably like, "hey, man, start this beef after i leave. what's wrong with you, man, i'm going there." i would do the same thing, if you asked me in china what i thought of china's policy, i would be like, i think china has policy, and they're the policies that allow me to fly home from china ( laughter ) let's move on to a more american scandal involving gina rodriguez. some people have said the latina

actress has a history of making insensitive or condescending remarks about black people. >> be careful what you post on instagram. here is your fair warning because act reses can rolearned the hard way ♪ i would do what you do, believe me... give me heebie-jeebies. >> now apologies for using the "n" word in a post. >> hey, what's up, everybody, i just wanted to reach out and apologize. i am sorry. i am sorry if i offended anyone, my finging along to the fugees, a song i grew up on, i love lauryn hill. and i really am sorry fioffended you. >> trevor: another here's trevor's tip of the day: if you insist on saying the "n" word when wriewr wrapping along with the song, don't do it on instagram. do it on the masked sing i. people have to wait three weeks to see if they're mad at you. i think that was t-pain, but if it was donny osmond, his ass is

in big trouble. i also think rappers should help, yeah. because they make the songs. i think rappers could help prevent these incidents from happening in the first place. think about it, rappers already make songs that are safe for radio. i think now they need to make versions of their songs that are safe for nonblack people. they can replace the "n" word with something safe like, "my friends." you know what i mean? just congress it if you don't know, now you know, my friend ♪ it's a lot safer for everyone. ( applause ) just do it every single song. ♪ want to find me, first my friend's got to find me ♪ some tech news that will change the way you make obscene gestures at your phone. >> google's newest phone works without even touching it. like apple's iphone, users can unlock the 56 weltheir face, but feature getting the most buzz is

jifort control. >> let's say you're driving, listening to music, and you want to advance to the next track, you don't like that one, or you want to go back and listen to it again. >> google is hoping the new tech will lead to more sales in the highly competitive smartphone market. >> trevor: wow. the first phone that will turn everyone into a magician's assistant. ( laughter ) "call mom." ( laughter ) this really is amazing technology. you can open your phone just by waving at it. no one's ever had this technology, except the front door of a walgreens. never have we seen it before. ( laughter ) you know what's weird is how the way we unlock our phones is evolving. first we had to nine a code. and then we just had to pick it up and look at it. now we can just wave at it without touching it. it feels like we're slowly break up with our phone. the next one will let you unlock the phone with, "it's not you, it's me." ( laughter ) you know who i also feel bad for? bernie sanders. he shouldn't get this phone.

he will be setting that off all the time without meaning to. he'll be like," and that's why we need to take on the 1%." "calling the one"-- "no, i'm not calling. cancel, cancel." that's it for the headlines. let's move on to our top story. impeachment. it's democracy's mulligan. for weeks now, practically everyone has weighed in on the ukraine scandal, from trump to ploas tow a cured rattlesnake. everyone, except the man at the center of it all hunter biden. he sat on the board of a ukrainian energy company while his dad served as vice president. and now that trump is using it to target his dad, hunter is finally speaking out. >> hunter biden speaking out for the first time, defending his business dealings in ukraine saying he did "nothing wrong at all." but acknowledging to abc news what he calls "poor judgment." >> did i make a mistake? well, maybe in-- in the grand

scheme of things, yeah. but did i make a mistake based upon some unethical lapse? absolutely not. >> if your last name wasn't biden, do you think you would have been asked to be on the board of burisma? >> i don't know. i don't know. probably not. i-- i don't think that there's a lot of things that would have happened in my life that if my last name wasn't biden. >> trevor: yeah, you know, that, he's right. if hunter's last name wasn't biden his life would have been a lot different. for one thing he wouldn't have gotten into the harvard school of surprise massages. ( laughter ) i do appreciate hunter's honesty there, because he admits that he was probably hired by the ukrainian energy company because of his last name. that's how the world works. a lot of people get opportunities because of who their parents are. cindy crawford's daughter is now a model. andrew cuomo's father was the governor of new york before him. do you think harry potter would have gotten all that attention if it wasn't for his famous wizard parents. i'm not saying he wasn't a good

wizard, but he's the only name dumbledorf knew personally. hand by the way, family names work the other way, too. that's why ginny weasley was getting eaten by snakes in the basement. it took about 400 pages to notice that shit. i'm just saying, man. the truth syour name could be a big reason that you get a leg up in life. like, i evenar i fact, i know the only reason i got to where i am today is probably because my great-great grandfather built the auk. like, you know, i accept that. what can i say, man? my great-great grampy loved boats. that's what he was doing on the boat. that's normal. now with that said, with that said, you can't deny, it's not a good look that a ukrainian company hired hunter biden just months after joe biden became the obama administration's point man on ukraine, because it looks very much like he got this business because of his father's

position. and i understand why a lot of people would complain about that. what i don't understand is why these people are complaining about that. >> let's talk about the double standard. what do you guys think would happen if donald trump jr. went to china and came back with 1.5 dollars. not $1.5 billion. just $1.5. >> can you imagine fitook three cents from ukraine or four cents from china? i mean, it's unbelievable. >> we gave up our entire business so my father could run for process prt. we don't do anything overseas anymore. we gave up-- we didn't have to. do you see me on any boards, do you see don on any boards, do you see ivanka on any boards. >> trevor: i'm not surprised nobody put bevis and butt head

on any board. that's not a scandalous thing. i don't think they're allowed on diving boards. "no, eric, you're jumping off the wrong end! jump into the wet part, dude." secondly, if there was ever an example of people who got opportunities of their names it's these two. i mean donald trump jr. just got paid $50,000 to give a speech at a college. if he wasn't donald trump's son, why else would they be asking him to speak? to share his expertise on bad beards? or would it be more like, "ladies and gentlemen, a man who once sat on a tree stump. don jr.ment. "my bunions were acting up, and there was no chair in sight, but i remember someone told me. stumps are okay to sit on. good night. if trump's sons are actually concerned, truly concerned about children of politicians doing business overseas, can someone please explain to me why they've been doing this. >> trump promised no new foreign

deals but that hasn't stopped his family from continuing business overseas. the trumps have plowed ahead with deals in india, indonesia, uruguay, and the philippines that were in the works before trump took office. >> by wednesday, eric trump will have gone to four countries on trump company business sudden jins 1. in early january it was a trip to your grie to promote a new property. >> this morning, trump jr. is in india. >> as a business we will continue to run. we have incredible safeties all over the world that we will continue to operate and grow. >> trevor: that's right, even with their dad in office, the trumps are still growing their business in places like india, fill beans, indonesia, uruguay. it's like "the amazing race" with no running and no chins. don and eric are doing so much international business it almost feels like donald is trying to not spend time with his sons. it's like, "boys i've got a new business for you to take care

of, it's on mars." "but, dad, there's no way to get back from mars." "and i appreciate your sacrifice. bye-bye." ( laughter ) and i know this is crazy to say, i know this is crazy to say, but at least donald and eric are one step removed from the presidency, because there are other trump children who are in business and government. >> jared kushner and ivanka trump's roles in the white house opened up another potential avenue for foreign influence. officials in at least four countries talked about ways they could manipulate kushner, in part by taking advantage of his complicated business. entanglements. >> ivanka trump and jared kushner took in as much as $135 million in revenue last year. that includes almost $4 million ivanka pulled in for her stake in the family hotel. >> last year, china approved more than a dozen trademarks for ivanka trump-branded products, the timing-- just as the u.s. and china were trying to restart trade talks, raised eyebrows. >> trevor: okay, come on, china

approved a dozen trademarks for ivanka right as her dad was negotiating trade deals with china? you can't tell me that's not suspicious timing. i mean, it's like how right before christmas, my mom said that a horrible accident happened at santa's factory. ( laughter ) yeah. how-- how does this happen every year, mom? huh? they should look into safety regulations at the factory or i'll never get my toys. china does not mess around with their trademarks. that's what you have to understand. for instance, michael jordan had to fight for four years to trademark himself. yeah, but the chinese courts argued that this was not michael jordan. yeah, they were like, "no, that could be anyone." they were like, "who knows? that could be me." that's how crazy they are about trademarks. and i mean, that's wild. this would be like saying this isn't don jr. i mean, no one else has ever sat on a stump like that. ( cheers and applause ) we know who that is! sump man, stump man, stump man. now, let's be clear, let's be clear-- i'm not defending hunter

biden. i don't know him. i don't know about his business. all i'm saying is that the last people who should be talking about the blurred lines of family names and political influence are the people currently running their home office from the white house. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ good lunch? amazin'! toyota. let's go places.

halloween is awesome. [trick or treat] yes, yes, yes, yes. [screaming in fear] yay. [laughter] yes! thank you. you've got to do it. and keep doing it. because there are those who don't. and those who do. let's do.

♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )

>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my first guest tonight was just 16 years old when she was convicted of killing a man who solicited her for sex and sentenced to life in prison. after serving 15 years, she was granted full clemency and tells her story in the new book "free cyntoia: my search for redemption in the american prison system." please welcome cyntoia brown-long. ( cheers and applause ) there are few stories you will read in a book, fiction or fact, that have as many twists and turns as the real life that you have lived. i knew a few details of your story, but reading through the book is a really powerful and painful and then redemptive experience at the same time. when you wrote the story again, was it hard for you to relive some of the decisions and some of the things that happened to

you in your life that got you to where youinded up? >> it was. you know, when i started writing the book, i had thought that i had dealt with everything that had happened to me, and when you're actually writing those things, it brings up that time, that moment, when you have to step back in there. especially when i started working with the writer, this great writer, bethany mauger asked me really great questions, asked me about some of the things i was feeling and thinking, things i hadn't really given much consideration to. it opened those moments back up. so it was really good to be able to just really process that and to just really stay back in those moments, even though it was hard. >> trevor: you faced the ultimate punishment for what happened to you in your life. and that was after this man solicited you, took you back to his place, abused you and essentially held you captive in his world, you killed him, and you were sentenced to life in prison. it was meant to be over 50 years. you served 15, which is essentially a life sentence because you were 16 years old at the time.

in that time in prison, what did you think your world was going to be? you know, because you went in as a 16-year-old. >> well, i don't know, but i know that ever since i was in prison, i had always dreamed of, you know, living a real life. i never let go of hoping that i would get out one day. yeah, so i always kept-- i always kept that faith and kept that hope. >> trevor: is that why you studied in prison? >> it is. >> trevor: because that was-- that was fascinating to me in the story. here's somebody who is going to spend the rest of their life in jail. there is no promise that you will get out. and, yet, here are you studying, furthering your education, trying to just make the best of the time that you have. why do that when you don't think that you're going to get out? >> because i didn't believe them. like, i didn't believe them when they told me i had life. ( applause ) i would make a point of-- when i would say things, you would hear a lot of people say, "if i get out," or "if my conviction is

overturned." i would always say, "when i get out." >> trevor: when we look at the criminal justice system today it's a fact that there are many cyntoia brown's. if there is one thing that you wish would have been different when it came to how your case was handled, what would that be that would be applied to every case going forward? >> my case specifically. number one, i do think there are things i need to be held accountable for. and i think there are a lot of cases of juveniles who comit certain crimes, there has to be a level of accountability. there have to be consequences. however, a juvenile is not the same as an adult. even the supreme court has already ruled that several times in a string of cases. so it just doesn't seem like it makes sense to me for the supreme court to say that juveniles are not as culpable as

adults. however, they can get the same -- >> trevor: sentencing. >> they can get the same sentence. >> trevor: right. >> and so, i definitely think that should have been different. >> trevor: you have lived a story many wouldn't dream of living or have nightmares of living. you've come out on the other side. you still smile. you say you're living your dream. you have the opportunity to live now. what are the things cyntoia does, where you just go like, "man, this is-- apart from being free, this is what life is about." >> honestly, like, when i'm just at home, sitting on the floor, watching a movie, i've cooked, i've got my hair all over my head, just, you know, just chillin'. like, this is it. this is what life is about. i don't have to worry about, you know, watching the clock because it's gonna be count time. or i need to hurry up and get my shower in before lockdown. you know, it's just-- just being able to be free. >> trevor: that's all you can ask for. thank you so much for being on the show. wonderful having you here.

( cheers and applause ) "free cyntoia," a stunning book, is available now. cyntoia brown-long, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) the following is a paid message.

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my next guest is a writer, actor, and standup comedian with two hit netflix comedy specials and the film "always be my

maybe." she has a new book called "dear girls: intimate tales, untold secrets and advice for living your best life." please welcome ali wong. ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the daily show," ali wong. >> thanks, trevor, it is my first time being here. >> trevor: it is your first time being here. ( cheers and applause ) i feel like it's been way too long. because, like, i watch everything you do. i'm like a giant fan and i see you everywhere else. >> oh, my god! you're, like, stalking me. ( laughter ) >> trevor: for real. congratulations on everything you've done. >> thank you. >> trevor: we've watched you blow up in standup, which everyone loves, and the thing that really brought me joy was seeing how you kick ass in movies as well. >> oh, thanks so much. >> trevor: you're a movie star now, you realize that? >> it was really fun. and i got to mack on those three fine-ass dudes. >> trevor: that's right true.

>> you watched the movie. it was like, "who wrote this thing? like, who's idea was this? who was in charge?" >> trevor: you have keanu reeves fighting over you. >> i know! >> trevor: and then he came to your show, didn't he? >> he came to my show, which was amazing. he was so sweet, and he was, like, in such a good mood afterwards. he was really smiley. >> trevor: you have fans of your standup. you have fans of your movies, but a book is a very different medium for us to engage ali wong. >> it is. >> trevor: your first book. it's also an interesting style of book. you've written this book, "dear girls" it is specifically written to your children. >> letters to my two daughters. >> trevor: right. >> i have two girls who are under the age of four, and the first one was in that stripped dress when i filmed "baby cobra" and the second one is in the my dad wrote me this letter before he passed away. and my real name is alexandra. and it started with "dear alexandra," and he, like, reflected a lot on our relationship and how i had affected his life.

and it was a short letter. and i love it so much. >> trevor: wow. >> but i wish that he had written me more, because after he passed, it was too late to ask him all these questions about who-- when he-- when i was born, like, he was already a successful anesthesiologist. >> trevor: right. >> and in the same way, like, when my girls were born, they only know me after i filmed those two specials, and they don't know, like, what it took for me to get where i am. >> trevor: before standup. >> and i think that's such an important life lesson. and i want them to know that i wasn't, you know-- that i struggled a lot and that i had to work really hard, so-- >> trevor: you also talk about, like, just the journey of your rise in comedy. you know, you talk about your success, the grind that came behind it. but then you talk about, like, just the experiences you've had where someone-- you know, many people, in fact, tried to reduce you to just, you know, your-- your fact-- they went like, "you're successful just because you're asian." >> oh, my god! >> trevor: just because you're a woman. just because you're a pregnant.

>> even now, there was a guy who-- i won't name names. he's not a very successful comedian so i don't even know if you would know who he was. >> trevor: i don't. >> but he came up to-- you wouldn't know. you're out of there now. but he, like, came up to me while i was pregnant the second time, and he touched my belly with his fat, sweaty hand-- which is so gross to begin with. it's like, why don't you finger me while you're at it? ( laughter ) this is so not okay. like, just because i'm pregnant, doesn't mean it's okay for you to touch my belly." and he was like, "oh, so this is your shtick. this is your thing now." i was like, getting pregnant is not rainbow suspenders. it's not a shtick." he was like, "you're so lucky, ali, you get all of this attention because you're both a female and minority." yeah, because, historically, that's always been the winning combo for recognition and success. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: oh, man! >> and he was, like-- and he was and he was like, "you know what i mean. like, me, i'm just another white guy." and i was like, "be a better

white guy! there are so many successful-- there's jimmy kimmel. there's will farrell. there's nick crow, there's john mulaney." i could go on this whole show for, like, 35 days. >> trevor: we'll do another show just of successful white comedians. "just be a funnier white guy." >> right! >> trevor: ali wong, congratulations on another successful endeavor. you can catch ali on the milk and mind spp ali wong, everybody. everybody. we'll be right back. do it big. bigger. hit it! because there are those who don't, and those who do. let's do.

halloween is awesome. [trick or treat] yes, yes, yes, yes. [screaming in fear] yay. [laughter] yes! thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. now here it is, your moment of zen.