- hey. - i can't wait. [line beeps] - [burps] >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. thank you so much for tuning in. thank you for coming out. so good to have you. thank you, let's do it. let's make a show. i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight is a

presidential candidate from the great state of minnesota. senator amy klobuchar is joining us, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, barack obama is back. ronny chieng has the halloween spirit. and sean spicer is rigging the election. so let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick it off with barack obama. the 44th, and as far as i'm concerned, only black president of the united states. he's been pretty quiet since leaving office. but every now and then, he likes to remind us of what we're missing. >> barack obama and michelle obama holding their third annual obama foundation sum. the former president talked about being a little too pious about politics. >> this idea of purity and you're never compromised and you're always politically woke and all that stuff, you should get over that quickly. the world-- the world is messy. there are ambiguities.

people who do really good stuff have flaws. like, if i tweet or hashtag about how you didn't do something right or used the wrong verb or-- then i can sit back and feel pretty good about myself, because, man, you see hoe woke i was. i called you out. ( laughter ) if all you're doing is casting stones, you're probably not going to get that far. >> trevor: man, wow. you know, when you-- when you watch, that you really remember that american presidents used to speak english. ( laughter ) also, i'm loving this whole relaxed obama no-tie swag pup see that thing? it's almost like trump has set him free because he can never look worse than trump. now he's just chill. he doesn't care. "you don't think this looks presidential enough? what if i tuck my shirt into my front butt?

is that the dignitary you want? is that what you want? i'm not going to do it." i'll be honest, i hear what obama is saying, but i'm not sure he should be dismissing hashtag activism. a lot of movements have blown up online. blacklives matter, #metoo, and hand crush monday. but at the same time, i get what obama is saying. if you believe in a just cause, you can't just sit at home ranting on twitter. it doesn't make you an activist. it makes you president of the united states. speaking of which, let's move on to donald j. trump, the 45th, and as far as i'm concerned only current president of the united states. while obama was talking about fake cancelling online, trump might get canceled in real life. >> a dramatic new revelation in the impeachment carry from alexander vindman, who on the controversial july phone call between president trump and ukraine's leader. the new york times" reporting overnight that vindman told house investigators tuesday that

the rough transcript of the call released by the white house omitted crucial words and phrases. that explosive new testimony directly contradicting president trump. >> i had a transcript done by very, very talented people, word for word; comma for comma; done by people who do it for a living. we had an exact transcript. >> trevor: "comma for comma?" ( laughter ) yeah, that's one we should have known he was lying. when has trump ever used commas? like, every since he came down that escalator it's been one four-and-a-half-long sentence. that's all it's been. i never heard a donald trump sentence and heard, yeah, there's punctuation involved there. in fact, it seems when president obama left the white house he took all the punctuation with him. "i'll take this one, this one, and give me the ellipses as does trump was like, "now there's none left for me. i can't talk because when i speak, this is total chaos so much. chaos so much.

chaos nonstop. never stop, never, at all. i try-- i can't, no pause for me, not good." ( laughter ) so this development looks bad for trump. and he's really got to hate that colonel vindman wore his military uniform when testifying because it's hard to fight against that. i wouldn't be surprised if next time trump shows up decorated with his own achievements, which is basically a sign that says, "i banged a porn star." and finally, moving on, it's the end of october, which means it's time to start fighting about christmas. >> it's a christmas classic, but in this #metoo era, "baby, it's cold outside" sends the wrong message. ♪ i simply must go. ♪ baby it's cold outside. ♪ the answer is no ♪ ♪ but baby it's coa cold outsid. >> the christmas classic "baby, it's cold outside" is getting a #metoo makeover. john legend has announced he's re-recording the song with kelly clarkson with more appropriate lyrics. the new lyrics go this way: "what will my friends think?" sings clarkson. "i think they should rejoice," legend responds.

"if i have one more drink, it's your body and your choice" >> trevor: okay, that's maybe a little too woke. i feel like obama's about to pop up like, "now, what did i tell you people, come on." but to be honest, to be honest, this isn't a bad idea. because who watches that old scene and feels comfortable, other than harvey weinstein. like, she says no. so i think it's time to update that song. in fact, i think we should update other problematic song as well, all of them, yeah. and we can still listen and enjoy them. like that robin thicke song. that could be ♪ blurred lines let's make them sharper ♪ then we're just clarifying consent. and we definitely need to redo all of r. kelly's songs. ♪ my mind's telling me no ♪ and i'm listening to my mind because my body doesn't want to go to jail ♪ we'll just redo all of them. it will work. all right, let's move on to the headlines to our top story. ( cheers and applause )

let's talk about the white house. under donald trump, they have gone through more employees than the hulk goes through button-down shirts. ( laughter ) and it's always interesting to see where former trump staffers end up. some of them write tell-all books. some become contributors on fox. and most of them end up in jail. but one of the more interesting post-trump journeys has been that of sean spicer, former white house press secretary and the human version of a clammy handshake. ( laughter ) after he left the white house, he did something no one else did. he decided to dance. >> it's official-- the new cast of "dancing with the stars" was announced today, and one of the celebrities putting on his dancing shoes is former white house press secretary sean spicer. >> i hope what this show is at the end of the season is an example of people of a bunch of different backgrounds, getting together, leaving politics aside, and having a good time in a civil and respectful way. i think too much of what we have

in this country right now is every conversation has to turn into politics. >> trevor: you know, that's actually a beautiful sentiment. i actually agree with pasty spice over here. because in the past few yearscir got arrested by ice, it hasn't been the same. "i wasn't cross illegally! i just like to explore." to be fair, she did have marijuana in her backpack but that was the monkeys. that was the monkeys. but believe it or not, since he joined the cast of "dancing with the stars," sean spicer has brought everyone together. it's just to laugh at his terrible dancing. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) >> at the bottom, sean and lindsey. at the bottom are sean and at the bottom are sean and lindsey. >> dancing doesn't come easy to

you. >> it looked like they were set in cement, your hips. >> technically, it wasn't, you know, great. >> you are just a little bit robotic. >> what were you doing there? it was like you were being attacked by a swarm of wasps! >> trevor: you've got to admit it is fun to watch the judges dragging him. i wish every trump official had to go through this after leaving the white house. just be like, the judges going, "stephen miller, you dance like a snake trying to shed his skin." and he's like, "oh, i wasn't dancing. i did just shed my skin." ( applause ) ( laughter ) those judges are right about spicer. not only was he bad at lying to the press. it turns out his hips also can't lie for shit. in fact, i'm not even sure that he has hips. i wouldn't be surprised if underneath that stupid outfit he just has the body of a lego. like, that's what it is. so, look, sean spicer has clearly been the worst dancer on the show and possibly in history ever. he has been getting the lowest

scores and should have been gone a long time ago. but "dancing with the stars" factors in both scores and the viewer votes at home. so once it became clear he wasn't going to win over the judges, sean spicer decided screw the whole nonpolitical kumbaya crap, and he started going on the far-right website breitbart to turn this dance competition into a full-on civil war. >> trevor: okay, i haven't said this in a while, but, sean spicer, what the ( bleep ) are you talking about? ( cheers and applause ) it's like, first of all, first of all, people on the left don't

care if a conservative wins "dancing with the stars." trust me-- when it comes to the liberal agenda, dancing does not make the list. you won't see bernie sanders on stage like, "college should be free. health care should be a human right. and the cha-cha should go dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. we've got to fight for that." ( applause ) but once again, i guess schaub spicer has lied to america, because now he's totally making this thing political. he's trying to convince people the only way to free conservatives from persecution is to help him win a reality dance competition? that's not how things work. nelson mandela was never like, "to fight the oppression of apartheid, we will be joining season 23 of 'top chef.'" ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's not a thing. and spicer hasn't only lasted this long on the show by turning this into a culture war. he's also basically resorted to election fraud. >> you can vote tonight 20

times, 10 times text "sean" to 21523. keep hitting "send." just text "sean" over and over again until it tells you, you have maxed out at 10. you get another 10 votes by going to abc.com. make sure that you cast your votes while the show is live on the east coast, between 8:00 and 10:00 p.m. if you're in central time, that's 7:00 to 9:00. and here on the west coast, it's 5:00 to 7:00. don't wait for the show to come on live if you're in the mountain or pacific time. vote between 8:00 and 10:00 eastern time. those are the only votes that count. >> trevor: all right, did you hear that? he just told people to vote for him 20 times, even if they haven't seen him dance yet, which is messed up. although, it's also smart. becasue you could wait to see his dance, but then how could you text the right number if your eyes are bleeding? i get it. i get it, i totally get it. before riling up breitbart listeners and showing his supporters how to vote a thousand times, spicer's campaign has been successful because, you see, he has harnessed the full support of the conservative world. >> it is your shot of the

morning, that is sean spicer dancing his way into america's heart. >> oh, my gosh! it makes you feel like dancing! wow! sean spicer. >> the biggest star right now on "dancing with the stars." he keeps going and going and going. i'm telling you, you're doing great, my friend. >> you know what, sean? i think you're getting better every week. >> i'm sure that you improved quite a bit. >> congratulations on that. on to the next round you march. >> the president found time to throw his support behind former press secretary sean spicer on "dancing with the stars." "vote for good guy sean spicer tonight. he has also been there for us." >> trevor: that's right, even the president of the united states is stepping in to keep spicer from getting voted off the dance floor. you know, i guarantee that at some point, between running the country and promoting sean spicer trump has accidentally texted sean 10 times to the president of ukraine. i know that's happened least one. he just sent it, and he's like, "mr. president, who is sean?" "sorry, wrong number, wrong number.".

i mean, he's breaking a ton of dancing rules and general rules of physics about how the human body is supposed to move, but he is ruining "dancing with the stars" for a lot of its fans who genuinely love to watch good dancing. becasue this is not supposed to be politics. it's about talent. and the guy who dances with the elegance of a dial-up modem logging into a.o.l., does not deserve to win. back in south africa i was lucky i enough to be a "dancing with the star." all right? i somba'd out there, i-- i did whatever that is. and you know what? i'm proud to say that i kicked ass because i worked hard at it. so if sean spicer is going to destroy one of the greatest, most-respected institutions in the world, i have no choice but to defend its honor. sean spicer-- ( cheers and applause ) you and me!

you meet me in the parking lot after work! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ we'll be right back. don't mess with me, sean! don't mess with me! don't mess with me, sean! ( cheers and applause ) [ typing ]

♪

( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." some news stories help us understand the world we live in. and some news stories are just stupid. for those, we turn to ronny chieng. ( cheers and applause ) >> thanks, trevor. it's halloween... again. or as i like to call it, "the stupidest time of the year." because you have dumb kids coming to your house begging for candy, and then you have everyone else trying to come up with a costume that's topical but also hot. "oh, look at me, i'm sexy quid pro quo." ( laughter ) what does that even mean! but halloween also means businesses are pretending they're cool by coming up with spooky promotions, like this guy. >> a car wash in ohio is doubling down as a haunted

house. check it out. customers can enjoy the spooky experience while riding through the car wash. these actors dressed in scary halloween costumes will wipe down cars and scare customers. the frightening car wash costs 20 bucks. >> not only are you washing your car in a haunted house, but you're going to go home in what we think is the cleanest car in the ohio. ( laughter ) >> "the cleanest car in ohio." who cares? it's still in ohio. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i'd rather have the second-dirtiest car anywhere else. more importantly, why did you have to combine these two things? how busy are people? are you really just sitting around like, "yo, i've got time for a haunted house or a car wash. i can't do both." ( laughter ) and how is this even scary? i'm not scared of freddy krueger if he's working for me for tips. ( laughter ) but if you want a haunted house that has less sitting and more crapping your pants, then you're in luck. >> the country's scariest haunted house is offering

$20,000 for anyone who can get through this thing. >> so just to get in, you'll need to watch a two-hour-long video, sign a 40-page waiver, bring a doctor's note saying you passed a physical, and have a safe word for when you want to give up. >> the haunted house includes intense audio, lighting, extreme low visibility, gross stuff, close contact with creatures-- they may touch you-- and graphic and pretty real scenes of horror. >> now, the tour taps into your personal fears, such as being buried alive or drowning. the entire experience can last up to 10 hours. >> holy shit! ( laughter ) close contact with disgusting creatures that may touch you? that's not a haunted house. there's a sleepover at jeffrey epstein's place. ( laughter ) ( applause ) look, can we all just agree that haunted houses are stupid? it's a bunch of losers yelling "boo!" you're booing me. i'm booing you. boo! boo! that blood looks fake. boo!

the whole idea of a haunted house combines two things i don't want to do, okay-- be scared and go to someone else's house. ( laughter ) i mean, if you want to spend money to have a shitty night, just go on a tinder date. ( laughter ) "oh, wow, that's so interesting. i've never met anyone who likes to travel before." ( laughter ) honestly, the scariest thing about halloween is how corporate it is. okay, you can't do anything without running into promotional bullshit. >> just in time for halloween, burger king is introducing what they're calling the ghost whopper. >> chipotle is back with its annual boorito deal for halloween. if customers come in dressed in costume on halloween, they can get a burrito for just four bucks. >> in honor of halloween, the coffee giant is debuting the-- check it out right here-- the phantom frappuccino. it is a black-and-green drink. >> the food product, designed to look like slime, contains charcoal powder to add the black coloring. well, activated charcoal is banned in new york city because of safety concerns tied to it.

>> damn, that drink got banned in new york? do you know how bad that coffee has to be to be considered a health risk in new york? ( laughter ) this is the same city where pizza gets delivered by a rat. right? if you ask me, all these gimmicks are so unnecessary. fast food is already scary. just put a flashlight under your chin and read the list of ingredients. >> trevor: wow, ronny, ronny, you're really not into the season. do you celebrate anything halloween? >> oh, yeah, i love getting into the halloween spirit. i buy candy and when trick-or-treaters come to my door, i eat it in their faces to show that nothing in life is free. >> trevor: ronny chieng, everyone. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ awwww yeah.

that's the stuff. no really. those are the actual ingredients. ♪ funky rock track tostitos. [crunch] get to the good stuff. halloween is awesome. [trick or treat] yes, yes, yes, yes. [screaming in fear] yay. [laughter] yes! thank you.

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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is running for the 2020 democratic nomination for president. please welcome the u.s. senator from minnesota, amy klobuchar. ( cheers and applause ) >> all right! >> trevor: welcome back to the show. >> well, thank you, trevor. >> trevor: what an interesting time you have been having running for president and running for the democratic

nomination. a lot of people say you were one of the winners of the last debate. so what doest that-- do you get, like, a trophy? what do you get for winning a debate? >> well, i'm hoping i get a dance with you in that outfit. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: you have come out and positioned yourself as somebody who is proud to say, "i am accept the rift," which many people have started to see as a dirty word. people have said, "no, this is not a time for being a centrist. this is a time to say, like, 'i'm fully liberal. i want medicare for all. i don't want private insurance. i want to make everything free.'" one thing you have been consistent is that sounds great but you are not going to promise. why do you say it sounds great but it is not deliverable? >> i want to make sure we keep promises to people right now. we have a president in there that has told over 10,000 lies to people. he would rather lie than lead. he's running the country like a game show. so i think it's going to be really important for me when i'm

on that debate stage with him to be able to point out that what i said, all my plans are paid for, and they're actually going to make a difference in people's lives. you look at my idea for health care, taking on the pharmaceutical companies, bring in less-expensive drugs from other countries. that's something i actually worked on with senator sanders. making sure that we bring premiums down with the nonprofit public option. and that, when it comes to school, making sure that it's easier for students to afford to go to college. and that means if millionaires can refinance their yacht, students should be able to refinance their student loans. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: right, but you have been very clear in saying, "look, i know it sounds nice. but i'm not going to promise free college for all and getting rid of college debt, and i'm not going to promise you free health care for everybody." like, why do you not think that is possible when people have said, "no, it is possible." elizabeth warren has said it. bernie sanders. they said, "no, there is a way to pay for this."

>> for one thing, they're still figuring out how to pay for it. and that's fine. we're waiting to hear that. but the other thing is i want to make sure we're putting our money where we need it. and what i would do is take those pel grants-- those aren't loans. they're grants. and do you believe them from $6,000 to $12,000 a year and go to families not just making $50,000 a year, but $100,000 a year. i don't want to have taxpayer money go to paying for mark zuckerberg's kids go to college. i don't want to do that. that is the difference. >> trevor: let's talk lastly about your appeal in the middle of america, and with many conservative voters. there have been voters who say they don't want to go to an extreme liberal world. how do you maintain liberal policies and ideas while also

bringing in to the fold those who may consider themselves conservative or independent because the left is too extreme? >> i think a lot of it is that i go not just towards comfortable but where it's uncomfortable. i have strong values. i am pro-choice. im someone that believes in protecting our environment, and believes we have to take on climate change in a big way. i want to get the assault weapon ban in place, right. but when i go to places in my state, i listen to people. they don't agree with me about everything, but i have been able to bring them in because they know i'm going to tell them the truth, and they know i'm going to have their back and get things done. and that is how i've won every single red, rural congressional district, ones that trump took, by double digits. and i've won them not once, not twice, but three times, including michele bachmann's district. and i have done that-- ( applause ) and i think this is so important when you look at this election because we don't just want to eke by a victory. we want to take back the u.s. senate and send mitch mccconnell packing. ( cheers and applause )

and the way you do that-- the way you do that is by winning in these states like colorado and arizona and iowa, and winning so i don't just want to win. i want to win big. and that's why i want to lead this ticket. >> trevor: it's a great way to end it. thank you so much for coming back to the show. good luck for the rest of the race. senator amy klobuchar, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ). hey, is this y'all? we have to go. - i'm not a criminal. are y'all the new black panthers? we didn't have a choice. it was self-defense. it's an honor to meet y'all. y'all really gave us something to believe in. how you gonna outrun the police? we hide in plain sight. i'm tired of playing it safe. thank you for this journey. no matter how it ends.

♪ ♪ ♪ [ ty♪ing ] ♪ [ engine accelerating ] [ typing ] ♪

( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> this is what makes you a man. when i was growing up, this was all the protection we needed. you win some, you lose some. but you live. you live to fight another day. and you think you're a man with that gun in your hand, don't you?

>> i'm a man without it. >> put the gun down. come on, put up your dukes. now you're a man. captioning sponsored by comedy centraly language expert says that miley cyrus and cody simpson's relationship is not real. you know what else is not real? a body language expert. [applause and cheering] captioning sponsored by comedy central [laughter] >> amazing. >> david: whatever! >> you're still fat. >> announcer: and now, david spade! [applause and cheering] >> david: hi, everybody! [applause and cheering]