ye- ah, i mean-- - but we damn sure gonna show it on tv. - hey, everybody. - so i'll call you later, all right? - all right. bye. - she ready. - she ready! - [laughs] ♪ >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. thank you so much for tuning in. and thank you for coming out. as always, thank you so much. let's do it. i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight is one of the my favorite actors in the whole wide world, and she's my best

friend, but she doesn't know it. lupita nyong'o is here, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) we are going to be talking about "new york times" bestsellinh children's book and the new "star wars" movie she's in. also on tonight's show, we find the worst place to have your wedding. ronny chieng sees dead people. and the u.s. government admits it's been lying to you. so let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick it off with "time" magazine's "person of the year." it's an annual message to the world's other 7.7 billion people that you suck. ( laughter ) and this year's honoree is an obvious choice. >> this was just announced moments ago. the "time" "person of the year" is 16-year-old climate change activist greta thunberg. you remember when the swedish teen took on u.n. world leaders at the climate change summit. 16 years old. congratulations to her. she had a passionate plea garnering a lot of attention.

>> and for way too long, the politicians and the people in power have gotten away with not doing anything at all to fight the climate crisis and the ecological crisis. but we will make sure that they will not get away with it any longer. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: yeah. greta thunberg has been named "time" magazine's "person of the year." and she must have been so excited when they told her. it was like, "great news, greta, we're going to cut down a million trees and print your face on them! and then we're going to put them on airplanes and send them all over the world!" ( laughter ) it's so cool to be named the person of the year while you're still in high school. all the other kids are like, i was sho voted most likely to succeed. and great is slam her magazine, "i already did, bitch. plus she doesn't have to fill out a college application. she can show them this.

but it will be awkward when she presents it to harvard. "wait a second, aunt becky said i was person of the year." if you're getting married, get out, it's a trap. >> the popular wedding planning site pin tret and the knot bounce announced they are no longer promoting content for plantation-style weddings. the wedding trend has been slammed for romanticizing it. >> it was created so our ancestors could be forced to work and do free labor. it's not that slavery happened in these places. these places were created for slavery. >> trevor: yes, wedding planners are coming under fire. i don't even get it. like, why would you want your wedding at a place associated with slavery? unless you're trying to send a message about your marriage. you know. just like, "yeah, i want to get married somewhere that reminds

me that my freedom is over, and i'm going to have to obey someone for rest of my life." you know, the one good thing about a plantation wedding is that it's the perfect excuse for people who don't want to go to your wedding. yeah. because you can just pretend it's a moral stand, you know. "hey, i'd love to be there. but i can't. i can't attend a wedding where people were enslaved, at a place where people were enslaved." it's like, "you know what, you're right, we're moving our wedding to our backyard." "on land stolen from native americans." ( laughter ) and i guess you're not getting married? that's sad. i really wanted to come." laugh that's it for the headlines. let's move on to our top story. the war in afghanistan. it's basically the "grey's anatomy" of wars. we all thought it ended years ago, but somehow it's still going strong. ( laughter ) and now, with the war in its 18th year, we're learning for the first time how badly americans have been played. >> tonight, newly released documents have raised serious

questions about whether the american people were lied to about the progress of the war in afghanistan, the longest in our history. >> a massive new trove of confidential documents obtained by "the washington post" reveals u.s. officials systematically lied to the american public about the afghan war, virtually since the beginning, 18 years ago. the objective: to conceal widespread fears that america was losing. >> the rosy picture that's been painted by our political and military leadership is not the real picture on the ground. >> trevor: yes, for 18 years, the american government has been painting a rosy picture telling americans everything has been going great in afghanistan, when, in reality, it's a total shit show. it's basically the technique every failing couple uses on instagram. just like #datenight, #couplegoals. send. "are you done with your phone now?" "well, if you didn't smile so shity, i wouldn't have to take so many pictures, you dick. i hate you. "i hate you more." "let's do one more in portrait

mode!" ( laughter ) but, yes, we're now learning from this bombshell "washington post" expose the government manipulated every detail about the war in afghanistan. they used numbers they couldn't back up. they hyped small successes when they knew the big picture was getting worse, and they even tried to spin suicide bombings as a sign of success, which is confidence, if nothing else. it's like making a tinder profile that says, "you know i'm a catch because i have my own room in my mommy's basement. swipe right." now, it's not unusual for governments to try and make things seem like they're going well in a war when they aren't. but what makes the story even more egregious was that they lied about even having a plan. >> it says, blunt as can be, "we didn't know what we were doing." >> "we didn't know exactly why we were there or how we could get out," and not a soul could define victory. >> retired general, douglas lute saying in 2015,

what are we trying to do here? we didn't have the foggiest notion of what we were undertaking." >> we didn't have a strategy. we didn't even know who the enemy was. who were we there to fight? >> trevor: wow. america sent its troops to afghanistan for 18 years, and they didn't even know who they were going to fight? that's not how you go to war. that's a strategy of a group of drunk dudes going out in boston, you know. like "someone's getting (beep)ed up tonight, bro." "who?" "i don't know, probably us." ( laughter ) but, basically, part of the problem is that the people in charge didn't know how to define victory in afghanistan. was it beating the taliban, or beating al qaeda, making the country a democracy? any if you don't know how to end it, then you should just wrap it up and get out, you know, like they did with "game of thrones." she's dead, he's gone, the bird kid is king. roll the credits. roll the credits. take the money, let's go. but these people stretched it out and this report shows america's government had little success and not much of a strategy going in.

but there was one thing they had plenty of-- money. the problem is, as any rapper will tell you, more money, more unnecessary expenditures. >> aid workers in the field, military officers, diplomats-- they all said this was more money than they could possibly spend. they were ordered by congress and officials back in washington to spend, spend, spend as quickly as they could, as much as they could. >> nearly $1 billion on helicopters and planes for the afghans. the trouble is there is serious doubt that the afghans can fly them. >> a half million of your dollars wasted on a building that melted four months after it was built. >> $34 million went to a soybean-growing project, and soybeans don't grow in afghanistan, and people in afghanistan don't eat soybeans. >> the pentagon wasted millions on uniforms for the afghan army. it was to buy a forest camouflage pattern. forest covers only 2% of afghanistan. >> trevor: okay, that is just insane.

$28 million for forest camouflage in a country that's all desert. ( laughter ) the only way that could have been a bigger waste is if it was for forest whitaker camouflage. yeah. at least that would have confused the people. "mahmoud, we're being invaded by the guy from wakanda." "don't shoot, don't shoot! i want his autograph! so america spent nearly $2 trillion on the war in afghanistan with basically nothing to show for it. and maybe that's how you get the u.s. government to put money into things like health care or teachers. that's what americans should do. just tell them the taliban is there. and the congress will be like, schools and hospitals. give them more money. give them as much money as they need. and send in three forest whitakers, just in case! do it!" ( applause ) now, you might be thinking who did this to us, trevor? who can we be mad at? is it trump? is it bush? is it obama? because i didn't want to say.

anything but i think he's black. well, actually, the answer is all of the above. >> u.s. officials have misled the american people about the conflict across three administrations. with decades of upbeat presidential pronouncements about the war. >> our progress is a tribute to the spirit of the afghan people and to the might of the united states military. >> here, in the predawn darkness of afghanistan, we can see the light of a new day on the horizon. >> great progress is being made. the spirit-- and i'm hearing it from everybody, everybody that goes over comes back and says, "really, it's like a different place." >> trevor: yeah, it turns out that bush, obama, and trump all did their part to exaggerate america's success in afghanistan. and i guess that's the silver lining in the story-- in a country increasingly divided every day, it's nice to learn that there's one issue that brings america's leaders together-- lying about war. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

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oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh, bublé sparkling water. it's buble!

>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." when we die, we all have different ideas of what we want to happen to our bodies. personally, i want my ashes to be scattered over the pool of a trump hotel. out of respect. ( laughter ) but for many people in arizona, the afterlife is very different than what they expected. ronny chieng has more as part of our new series, "the united swing states of america."

>> if you're going to talk about arizona, you have to talk about old people, because they're everywhere here! see? ( clears throat ) which brings me to death. not-- no, not yours. obviously, you still have a long road ahead of you. and here in arizona, people thinking about the afterlife are choosing something new-- whole body donation. >> more and more people are choosing to forgo traditional burial and just donate their bodies to science. >> there was a 20% increase in the number of people donating their body right here in arizona. that's about 47,000 people. >> to investigate, i hit up a popular spot for the old folks to see if body donation really was all the rage. what do you want to happen to your body after you die? >> i'd consider whole body donation. >> have you considered

body donation? >> yes. i have it already set up. so you seem pretty old and close to death. what do you want to happen to after you die? >> i'm going to be donating it to science. >> what made you think of doing that? >> i have no living relatives. who is going to bury me? >> do you have any friends? >> yeah, they don't care about my body. >> well, maybe they should care, because when i turned on the news, i discovered this... >> scandal involving a body donation business in phoenix. the owner accused of selling bodies and body parts. >> essentially running a chop shop for human body parts. >> a human chop shop? these were people, not cars you strip down for parts. i turned to a team of lawyers trying to end this horror. so what the ( bleep ) is happening in arizona? >> people are getting people to donate their bodies and telling them that they're going to treat the bodies with dignity and respect. >> and they were sold off like you would sell off the parts of a cow. >> and then, ultimately, the f.b.i. raided this organization here in arizona.

>> so what did the f.b.i. find? >> there were coolers and freezers of disarticulated body parts-- you know, a cooler of arms, a cooler of legs. >> they found heads. >> they found the torso of a large human male with the head of a small female sewn on the top-- >> all right, okay, we get it. enough already! anyone here have a puppy i can pet for 10 seconds just to clear my head? >> and they found a giant bag of penises. >> they found a bag of dicks? >> yes. it was referred to as "a large bag male genitalia." >> so it was a large bag of dicks. >> yes. >> i'm scared to even ask-- but what were they going to do with this large bag of dicks? >> well, we can only speculate. we know some of it may have gone to the black market in southeast asia for something like penis wine.

>> okay, i'm from southeast asia. i've never heard of penis wine. what is it? >> i think it's wine that has a penis in it that's supposed to make people more virile. >> that is disgusting. >> i thought so. >> is it red or white? ( laughter ) >> i didn't even get close enough to it to even-- >> what kind of flavor profile is this? is it nutty? >> i didn't taste it. >> is it notes of foreskin? ( laughter ) >> can we move on. this-- this-- this is a serious case. >> oh, yeah, that's right, you're going to mention penis wine and not talk about it. >> this case is about the harm that was done to people and families, not about penis wine. >> she's right. people thought they were donating their bodies for research to find cures for diseases. but instead it was real-life invasion of the body snatchers. how are they going to fix this? >> we need regulations, licenses, for example. >> you don't need a license to deal with dead bodies? >> correct. >> you need a license to do

nails. you need a license to fish. you need a license to drive a forklift. >> pay your money, fill out a form, and you're a medical director. that has to change. >> this is ( bleep ) horrific. >> this is not just an arizona problem. it's a nationwide problem. and if you think it's not happening in your backyard, you're mistaken. >> okay, sorry, can we just go back to the penis wine for a second? ( laughter ) do they stomp on dicks the way they stomp on grapes? are they squeezing out the penis or are they just fermenting it? >> i don't know. and i'm not sure i really want to know. >> no one should have their dead body violated or their genitals turned into a tasty beverage. if people are going to donate, they should at least know exactly what they're getting themselves into. they need to know the truth. until arizona puts regulations in place, all we can do is offer competing services. introducing, giveronnyyourbody.com. just give me your body, and we'll take care of the rest. >> with us, you'll know exactly what you're getting. we provide services such as... >> you turn into a human ventriloquist dummy. used for "weekend at bernie"

sequels. literal body pillow. seat filler at the oscars. >> those are just some of the many things we can do. >> sound horrifying? you betcha. but it's also perfectly legal until arizona changes its laws. giveronnyyourbody.com. >> give me your body. i want your body. >> ronny chieng is unlicensed and has no experience in this field which is not a problem in the state of arizona. >> trevor: ronny chieng, everybody. and here's some good news-- those lawyers just won the case and got awarded $58 million for all of the victims. ( cheers and applause ) which means, ronny chieng, you're rich. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪

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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an academy award-winning actor who can be seen in the highly anticipated "star wars: the rise of skywalker." she's also written a children's book called "sulwe." please welcome lupita nyong'o. ( cheers and applause )

>> hello! hello! >> trevor: welcome back to the show. >> thank you very much. >> let's start by saying congratulations on all of your nominations. how many nominations do you have? because sometimes i feel like instagram is just repeating a post, and then i realized, no, you've gotten nominated for another thing. what's your latest nomination now? >> the screen actors guild! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's for us. >> yes, for us, yes, yes. >> trevor: are you a little bit worried that when you go to accept your award, are you going to kidnap you and then go accept the award on your behalf? like, how do we know-- how do you we know you're you right now. do you ever think of that? >> all the time. >> trevor: welcome back to the show. >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: let's start off by talking about "star wars." new movie coming out. >> yes. >> trevor: maz kanata is your

character. >> yes. >> trevor: and you're coming back again. these are the most secretive movies, though. like, the trailer doesn't give anything away. >> right. >> trevor: which i enjoy. they don't let you tell us anything. >> yeah. >> trevor: like-- like, why are we here? ( laughter ) >> well, you know, i don't know. i don't know. but it seems to work every time. >> trevor: it works every-- because the movies are amazing, but then, like, you can't tell me any-- normally i can ask you what happened in the story? did this happen or that happen? i can't see it. like, nobody knows what is going to happened. it's like lock and-- maybe one question, maybe you can tell us. what's baby yoda like? is he-- is he-- is he in the movie? >> you know, i know almost as much as you do, to be very honest. >> trevor: it's crazy. >> they give you just what you need to know. >> trevor: right. >> so i'm curious as well. i can't wait. >> trevor: is it because they want you to go and watch the movie as well? >> i think so.

they're that hard-pressed query cash. >> trevor: "no, lupita, you're going to come and watch the movie." but it must be really special for you being a part of such a major franchise. i mean, you've done so many epic films. you're an oscar-winning actor, but at the same time, you're part of "star wars." was that something you thought about when you were growing up, "i'm going to be part of the biggest franchise ever"? >> it never occurred to me, i have to admit. and i watched "star wars" growing up, but i didn't know it was a cultural phenomenon. >> trevor: right. >> you know, i just liked, like, c3p0. it just came on on public holidays. so it was the public holiday movie and i got cast in "star wars" and my brother cried. and then i was watching, what is it, "who's line is it anyway?" and i realized "star wars" was pervasive in all popular cultures. one of the questions was, "you're darth vader." and i was like, wow, everyone is all about canned star. >> and then there was this big

splash about me being a part of it. and i was like o, oh, ...shit. >> trevor: >> trevor: let me ask you this, then, is there a part of you that's happy that your character is like-- like, you wear the dot things and you do the acting, right? >> i am so glad. >> trevor: because "star wars" fans, like, the best fans in the world. >> oh, yeah. >> trevor: but they will chase you. >> they're intense. >> trevor: and they will chase you with light sabers to get a selfie. a lot of people might not know you're in the movie. >> yeah, the real buffs know that i'm in the movie. >> trevor: got it. >> but just, you know, lighter "star wars" fans don't. >> trevor: right. >> so i get away with being in it and also not being in it, which i like a lot. >> trevor: let's talk about the book now. we know lupita nyong'o as an award-winning actress. and now we should know lupita nyong'o as a "new york times" bestselling author, congratulations. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> trevor: the book has received many accolades. "sulwe," it's a beautiful story

about a young girl who has dark skin, unlike some of the other members of her family. they're all black people, but with different shades, and she she's the darkest. what's really cute is it is a story about how she doesn't like her skin and the kids tease her in school. and she comes to learn through the magic of the stars why her skin is also beautiful. >> yeah. >> trevor: it's a story that is resonating with so many people, almost now, more than ever. why did you feel you needed to tell this story, especially to children? >> well, because i lived this. this is a very liberal autobiography. and i wanted to tell it to children because i think they're the ones who really need to hear it most. you know, they're at that impressionable age where they're figuring out who they are and what their value is in the world. and i wanted to get to that child before the world had told them what they were worth so they could figure it out for themselves. so one of the things that sulwe does is through her imagination and through this journey in the night sky, she figures it out for herself. and i think that's an important message, because you can't

really control how the world is going to treat you, but you can control how you treat yourself. and, hopefully, when you can love yourself, you can change the world around you with the light that you shine. >> trevor: that's beautiful. ( cheers and applause ) i think i-- i found it even more touching because i knew how personally you took the story. and you write about it in the back of the book. it seems like a great kids' story, but then when you realize that this was your life, you start to understand how much of an impact it makes on people. in fact, just recently, miss south africa won miss universe. >> i know, congratulations! >> trevor: no, and she was saying-- she was saying how, you know, even for her, seeing somebody of dark skin with natural hair and just being an african woman being celebrated for her beauty was a milestone. a lot of people connected to that. if there is a child out there-- or anyone, even a grown-up who

says, like, "lupita, i have had dark skin for so long. people say i'm not beautiful because of that dark skin. is there anything you changed or found in your life that helped you find the beaut that you actually always had?" >> whoooo! that's a good one. anything that i did that helped me find myself, really. well, i think-- what did i do? uhm... i think i-- i-- i kept my imagination alive. i always fed my imagination. and that's where i found solace. and that's why it was so important that she had an imagination during this journey because when you have an imagination, you can create for yourself the person you want to be. you can-- you give yourself vision, and it's so important to have vision, because that's what can take you from where you are to where you need to be. so i think that's really important. but i think it's also about surrounding yourself with people who see the best in you, you know. and finding those people and holding on to them for dear life.

for me, i was lucky. my parents really believed in me, and my parents, even when i didn't believe in myself, or when i got teased by other people, my parents were steadfast in their love. >> trevor: right. >> and so, even when i didn't want to hear it because it wasn't cool to listen to your mom, at the end of the day, she did not-- my parents did not tire from reminding me of the things that i needed to know about myself. and when the time came i could take that on and use it to move forward. >> trevor: and you've moved very far forward. ( applause ) >> thank you. >> trevor: thank you so much for being on the show. congratulations on everything. "star wars: the rise of skywalker" opens in theaters december 20, and "sulwe" is a beautiful book that's available now. go out and get it. lupita nyong'o, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) these little cups would make

great stocking stuffers. ♪ but how about right-now-in-your-mouth stuffers. happy holidays to your mouth. not sorry. reese's.

>> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in.

now here it is, your moment of zen. >> i'll tell you, law enforcement is so great. that particular guy wanted to be so politically correct. oooh! oooh! ♪ ♪ oooh! oooh! oooh! oooh! [applause and cheering] >> announcer: and now, david spade! [applause and cheering] ♪ >> david: hey! [applause and cheering] >> david: hey! whoa! all right, guys. all right, guys! [applause and cheering] >> david: thank you. good to see you. have a seat.