oh, dumplings. you're all thinking about my dick now, aren't you? no! get over it. it's a dick. anyway, do you like the dumplings, grandma? oh, yes, they're very tasty. i'm so proud of you. oh, my two dumplings! (whispering) just blink if you love me more. it's okay. he's not looking. i'm right here. oh, no, i can't do that. ♪ (bell dings) >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪

>> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! thank you for coming out! ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much for coming out! let's do this, everybody. i'm trevor noah. our guest g's tonight have a new book on the history of racism, jason reynolds and ibram x. kendi are joining us, everybody! it's going to be a really fun discussion. ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, you lost half a trillion drawers yesterday, we decide trumps best words and the coronavirus is sharing your uber pool. so let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick it off with the stock market. it's like a casino without the buffets, and for the last 24 hours, it's been on a wild ride. >> breaking news tonight, market meltdown. as the coronavirus spreads, stocks take a nose dive, the dow

closing down more than 2,000 points, the market's worst day since the 2008 financial crisis. >> wall street's wild ride continued today, the dow surged after president trump talked about an economic stimulus plan. stocks rallied in final hour of trading up 1100 points to finish the day at the thousand 018. >> trevor: crashes, surge, it's so extra right now! it's always so weird the stock market never seems to have a sense of history. everything that's happening is happening forever and everything good is happening forever. that's how dogs are. whatever is happening, it's happening forever. you're leaving the house you're leaving? you're going forever? i'm going to starve! i'm going to die! then you come back home, you're never going to leave! this is so great! wait, you're going again! i'm gonna die! just breathe stock market!

( laughter ) stock market wiped out $528 billion yesterday. i will never understand. where did it go? ( laughter ) what do you mean you lost 528 billion? every time they say that, i'm, like, have you checked your other jeans? that's where most to have the money is. and a lot of people are afraid of the market these days but i'm making money consistently on the stock market. i'll even share my tip, forget the n investing in companies. i put all my money in green lines that go up and red lines that go down. i make a fortune no matter what. i also don't understand finance, and i normally don't feel sorry for wall street, but with the coronavirus, i feel like they're going through a lot because the one thing guys on wall street like to do when wall street is crashing is the one thing you're not allowed to do because of corona, put your hands on your face. so they spent all day yesterday, oh, no, my money! oh, no, corona! oh, no, my money! oh, no, corona. aaahhh! ( cheers and applause )

all right, but let's move on to some international news because, while corona is shaking up the stock market, vladimir putin is shaking up russia's constitution. >> russian president vladimir putin has suggested that he is not against a proposed amendment to the constitution that could keep him in power for many years. >> vladimir putin came to parliament and said if the constitutional court says yes, then it should be possible for the current president, him, to run again. and that means he could run for two more terms in office, that's 12 more years of vladimir putin, he could be in power until 2036. >> trevor: yes, vladimir putin is trying to change the constitution so that he can stay in power long after he's supposed to leave. and that is bad but at least now america can see that there's nothing personal because russia even meddles in its own elections. that's big news. president putin is 67 years old. if he gets the additional terms, he'll only leave office when

he's 83 years old, which is just young enough to run for president in america! ( laughter ) i do feel bad for the russian people who care about democracy, though, especially president putin's supporters. what do they chant at his rallies? you don't even know. four more years! he's like, just four? eight more years! just eight? you tell us! you tell us! ( laughter ) what's interesting about this story, as well, is that president putin is a dictator but it's interesting how he still goes through the russian legislator and the courts to try to change it. it's a reminder that constitutions are only as valuable as the people who safeguard them. all right? i mean, that would only apply if america ever got a president with a bunch of lackeys in congress to let him fill the court with whoever he wanted, then america would be in big trouble, but that could never happen, that's not real, right? ( laughter ) news out of africa. climate change has been affected the globe. some people in the motherland

are experiencing it more than most. >> it is a locust invasion of epic proportions swarming east africa right now. >> the united nations say these insects could decimate the region's food supply and it's concerned it could become a full blown playing. >> three months, swarms of locust have been eating through east africa. people bang utensils to ward off an increasing menace to their livelihoods. to no avail. the locust eat their own equivalent of their own body weight in a single day. beans, maze, for these. nothing stands a chance. >> corona, locust? hope we're not see a reboot of the old testament because as firstburn sons we will have to worry. trump will be, like, can we do

second born this time? go with jeez, eric. he's a nice man. go with him! ( applause ) this is one of the things that's sad about climate change, although it's affecting everyone, the effects are felt in different ways in developing nations. in a first-world country a lot of climate change is abstract -- did you hear aspen may not have the best snow this year? in africa, it's i can't hear you over the locust! it's a lot harder to deny climate change when locust are eating your food. that's one thing america needs to do to get on board, have locust take the tables at olive garden, then you will see congress take action -- i couldn't get anything! locust can decimate a field of crops, then fly 100 miles to eat another crop. food in africa isn't modified. if locust will do that with american food, they will do it in one place then be, like,

aaahhh! i need to slipe, i can't fly anymore. let's move on to the top story. ( cheers and applause ) the coronavirus, it's like impeachment but more humanity. ( laughter ) today was yet another day full of major developments in efforts to stop this global plague. let's catch up on the latest in our ongoing segment, is this how we die? ( cheers and applause ) ♪ as scientists fight every day to learn more and more about coronavirus, governments around the world are doing their best to contain the crisis. in israel, anyone entering the country has to go into a 14-day quarantine. in india, they're sending coronavirus alerts to all 1 billion cell phones. and in washington, d.c., president trump has said, in order to prevent the spread of the disease, he'll stop shaking hands and go back to grabbing people by the pussy.

( audience reacts ) while governments are doing what they can as individuals, we are told we can change our behavior to help stop the spread of the coronavirus. wash your hands for 20 seconds, cough into your elbow and do not look into a mirror and say coronavirus three times. that's how it comes out. ( laughter ) now the latest instruction is for everyone to get some space. >> we've got to embrace the term "social distancing" from the centers for disease control, talking about leaving space in large event areas. that means avoiding group gatherings plus crowded subways and buses. social distancing in action. >> social distancing. >> social distancing. >> the new coronavirus buzz phrase. >> trevor: yes! the buzz phrase of the moment is social distancing, also known as don't breathe on me, bitch! laugh and this looks like it could be a pretty big change for our society, although it's also the perfect excuse if you have been wanting to breakup with someone.

hey, baby, you know i love you but the world health organization, they say we need some space. ( laughter ) actually, social distancing was a thing when i was in middle school. it would have made all the times i ate in the bathroom seem so much more responsible. i'm not a loser! i'm social distancing 1k4r-78 ( laughter ) all it means is keeping people from conjugating together in one place. sort of like the opposite of what you guys are doing right now. yeah. ( applause ) you know. yeah! live a little! it's why you have been hearing about all kinds of events being canceled lately -- coachella, south by southwest canceled. bernie and biden canceled rallies tonight, which didn't hurt bernie sanders at all. his voice is so loud, whether at the rally or not, you will hear his message. he's out there, we need medicare for -- i bet aliens in space now

support medicare for all. this earth ling makes a good point. medicare should cover our anal probes. we're paying too much. ( laughter ) and now people are taking social distancing so seriously even schools all over america are kick kids out. >> schools from coast to coast are closing this morning to clean the classrooms. ohio state university became the latest college to cancel latest in person classes. >> harvard among colleges and universities telling students don't come back from spring break. >> parents at these molds are not playing around. >> don't nobody want their child to be sick and don't nobody want to take their virus to their house. >> some wipe them down and some spray them with disinfectant spray as they took them home on monday. >> trevor: yo! ( laughter ) parents at this school are really serious. like the mom is fighting with the virus, this dad is not

taking chances. did you see how much spray he used? his kid is never getting corona, or app date to the prom. ( laughter ) and that spraying technique will only work if you have one or two kids. but if you're like those religious families on tlc, you have to invest in a crop duster. ( laughter ) more and more companies are telling their employees to work from home. the only issue is much of the american workforce can't afford to take that add violence. >> as unease grows about job security, many workers are wondering if they get paid if forced to stay home because of coronavirus. u.s. federal law currently does not guarantee sick leave. less than 60% of blue-collar workers get paid time off -- cab drivers, cashiers, servers. >> i work for uber, lyft, grub hub, door dash, postmate, we don't have the luxury to stay home if we are sick, not just

from coronavirus, from any kind of infected disease is that does that guy work for every app on our phone? ( laughter ) you hear his list? so, what, you get an uber home, he's driving. you order dinner on grub hub, he shows up with food. you open up tinder for action, me again! the calculator, what's 250 divided by 50 -- let me think! ( laughter ) social distancing is not much of an option for america's paid workforce because without paid leave many people have to work despite the danger, which is insane if you think about it. imagine if godzilla was attacking a city but delivery people still have to keep doing their jobs! aaahhh! godzilla! godzilla! here's your pati. some soup spilled.

aaahhh! ( laughter ) everyone from schools, businesses, festivals, political rallies, everyone is doing their part to keep their social distance, but turns out one to have the groups most at risk just d-g-a-f. >> the c.d.c. remains people over 60 practice social distancing. there are few signs seniors are listening. at this softball game at the villages outside older o most players where in their 60s, 70s, 80s. the only thing they have been told the cut back on the post-game high-fives. rick sanford isn't keen on any suggestion he change his lifestyle. >> i'll be frank and say i think it's bogus and i think it's something each individual has to decide upon their own. >> trevor: what? that's insane. you don't just get to decide what you think about a disease. no one's in the doctor's office, doc, be honest, is it it bad? and the toke says, it's up to you, yeah. ( laughter ) funny how all of us are working

on social distancing to protect old people who at most risk, but old people are living their best life. good luck distancing yourself from these hips, these hips! these hips! these hips! aaahhh! ( laughter ) and you know, folks, that's the problem with this generation -- we've sacrificed so much for them, and all they care about is their dancing and their goofing around! ( laughter ) and you know what, grandpa rick? if that's the way you want to play it, then we'll have no option but to get that spray dad and hose you geriatric delinquents down! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) imagine yourself in a new toyota. ♪ yeah. ♪ yeah.

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just a blur when they jumped the median. the corner of my eye. there was nothing i could do. (daughter) daddy! (dad vo) she's safe because of our first outback. and our new one's even safer. (avo) welcome to the all-new subaru outback. an iihs top safety pick plus. the highest level of safety you can earn. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: we can back to "the daily show." it's officially march, which means it's time to fill out your bracket for the big ncaa tournament. but what if you don't like

watching basketball? hmm? maybe you think it hurts the ball every time they bounce it on the floor. ( laughter ) yes, you're a weird o but, still, we have just the tournament for you. i'd like to introduce "the daily show"'s trump's best word bracket. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you see, president trump has the best words, and how do we know this? because he told us. >> i know words, i have the best words. i went to an ivy league college, i know a lot of words. >> i have, like, this incredible vocabulary. i guarantee i have a vocabulary better than all of them. believe it or not, i watch my words very carefully. there are those who think i'm a very stable genius. ( laughter ) >> trevor: there you go. trump may be bad at disease control, immigration, domestic policy and literally everything else, but when it comes to words, he truly is the best. so, for march, just for march, we're hosting a tournament to pick his best, best word,

because, let me tell you, he's got a lot of them. >> in 1870, president grant. >> president roosevelt. >> he was awarded the bronze star and the combat infantman badge. heart and deliver transplants. >> i hope they look at the oranges of the investigations. the beginnings. >> expectations in the house for the mid towm and medical marijuanand midterm year.>> tret you guys but i've never heard better words.

that clip makes me proud to live in the united staysh. a lot of what happened they have the haters go, oh, does trump have dentures, mouth dry, did russia attack his tongue? no, trump just came up with a better word for the country and he used it, because our president has the best words and thank god he does. with so much uncertainty in the world, the volatility of the slock rocket, all the negative sliement sta-ticks, and for so many americans waiting on organ trancepants, it's good to know the president is like the rest of us who come from humble oranges. i can play clips of him all day saying trumpy words but i'm not going to. all right i am. >> we are declaring the full state to be stankchuarw.

>> a lot of work has been done, a lot of renoversh. look -- heriolynn alone if you look at the heroin epidemic. as hurricane ermer approaches. in april of 2014 -- working to improve this country and the government. ( laughter ) >> trevor: trump is so great at words he doesn't even need to open his mouth to say them. and by the way, i want to take a second to congratulate our graphics department for fitting that word on the screen. yeah. really powerful. well done guys. three of our designers died in the attempt but it was worth it. and of course who can forget the devastation of hurricane ermer.

so many herms were destroyed. sorry guys i didn't mean to be a bermer. ( laughter ) so what is trump's best word? therefore 64 for you to choose from and we've put them together in a bracket. all you can do is pick the best noun, adjective or whatever you like. just go to dailyshowbracket.com and you can watch every video and the clips of every word and you let us know what you think is best. round one is open. start picking because donald trump has done many great things but the words he gives us will live on as his most important. we'll be right back i wrote this a long time ago.

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight are critically acclaimed best-selling authors whose new book is called

"stamped: racism, antiracism and you." please welcome jason reynolds and ibram x. kendi. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome, welcome, welcome, gentlemen, to "the daily show." >> thank you. >> thank you. >> trevor: great to see you again but let's jump into the book, which a lot of people would see it coming and go why would i read this, racism, anthonanti-racism and you. why did you write it this way? >> young people don't like history books. you start it off by not being a history book and okey-doke them. >> trevor: has it been designed in a way you can read it and understand without feeling too much? is that what you've tried to do

for younger readers? >> racism is historiccable, it's rooted in the past, but you can constantly see it operating in daily life and you can constantly see how it's going to operate tomorrow, and that's what we wanted to sort of show for young people. >> trevor: the two of you came together jason and ibram and you worked on the story of telling the story of racism, and you have short chapters in the book, which is really interesting. it doesn't follow the format of a normal book, sometimes a chapter is 10 pages, sometimes longer. sometimes the way you write on a page the words pop out and engages you in a certain way. were you trying to break the mind and how it's consuming information when you created the book? >> for sure, but i'm also wanting to make sure we're working with the realities of young folks which is overstimulated. i can't compete with cell phones, video games, youtube, "fortnite" and everything they have going on in their lives every single day. my job is not to compete. that's silly.

i work with those things to create multi-stimuli within the pages of a book. >> trevor: that's brilliant. ( applause ) without any realizing it, you might have hit on another opportunity, you add an expansion on "fortnite" that teaches you about racism. >> exactly. >> trevor: so you have skins from the past and kids can learn the challenges. ( laughter ) ibram, young people will read this book and some may feel deflated and say racism was so bad back then, jim crow, seg gairks et cetera, and it feels like it's so bad today, how can i maintain hope in this world, whether as a black kid or a did not black going i'm an ally and i want this world to be a better place? >> so that's why we didn't just twoobtd write a history about racism, we wanted to write it about anti-racism. we wanted to show people how they have been fighting against racism from its origins and they

can be a part of the fight. here is how people have done it in the past, how they have been effective and here's how you can be effective today. >> trevor: one thing you do really well in the book, in my opinion, is you break it down so people can see what is oftentimes underlying racism or a racism some people may not even realize they have been indoctrinated into. you talk about the southern strategy, how nixon and many republicans realized they couldn't just say these things, they couldn't call black people the n-word outwardly, they had to say ghettos and thugs and the code words and language used. when breaking that down for kids, do you think that will help them understand some of those implications still in place today? >> i do, breaking it down will help them grapple with it and understand. but we can create new code. the intention of this book is to create new code. anti-racist is a new code, right, for a person who's really fighting for true equity or true

love, right, and i think that's our real task. people talk about indoctrination all the time, this idea that, oh, i don't want this book in my classroom because it's indoctrination. it's in everything. what if we were able to create new indoctrination for equity and justice? >> trevor: wow! ( cheers and applause ) powerful. i love it. i've never read about history like this, i've never read about the now like this, and it really breaks racism into a beautiful way i think kids of all races will enjoy. thank you so much for being on the show. they should be in every school. thank you so much for being on the show. "stamped" is available now. go out and get it. jason reynolds and ibram x. kendi, everybody. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ the fighting spirit is one we all share. amanda nunes wears hers with pride. from standing up for herself against the doubters, to being the only woman in her mma training gym... amanda refused to let stereotypes get in her way...

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