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[knocking] - what? - hey, my name's stan, and i was-- - your coming was foretold to me. you've come to save our people. come in. watch the cats. - uh, so do you know how to cure sars? - me? heh, no, i am just a guide. sit down. you must find the answer yourself by taking an inward journey. - an inward journey? that sounds kind of gay. - let the voices of our ancestors show you the way. breathe. breathe from the bag of visions. - [inhaling] ugh. oh, dude. - how much longer must we wait for our superhighway? - sars has spread throughout the entire town of south park, chief runs with premise. their wills will break soon. - then i suppose we must be patient.

- runs with premise, come quickly. - what is the matter, wife? - it is our son, premise running thin. he is very sick. - premise running thin, what is the matter? - he--he shared a glass with one of the people from china. he has sars. - no. i told you not to touch them. - papa...papa... - i have given him herbs from the desert plant and water from the cactus of life, but nothing seems to be working. - this would not have happened if those town people would have just moved away. no more waiting around. tomorrow we begin the final stage of our plan: shock and awe. [all groaning and coughing] - dad! dad! - stanley, did you have an inward journey with the old man? did you have a vision? - i don't know if i did or not. i--i saw something. someone spoke to me and told me the middle-class white way to cure sars: campbell's chicken noodle soup, dayquil, and sprite. - yes, yes, of course.

quickly, stan, we must give it to everyone. - boy, that really did the trick, stan. i thought we were kind of sort of not really done for. - thanks to you, we're all safe now, stan. - ahhhh! now i will blow your weak, sars-infested bodies off the earth. what the? wait a minute. stop. stop. your--your sars... where did it go? - we have cured ourselves using the medicines of our culture. - my son, premise running thin, has the sars as well. you...you can cure him? - it is amazing. all our plants and herbs failed to heal him. - but your people's remedy brings the spirit of the buffalo

back into his heart. perhaps there are many things we can learn from your way of life. - we're a simple people. all we want is to be allowed to live our lives. - you have cured premise running thin. in return, i shall give you all $5 credit at the casino. all right, all right, i will not build a superhighway through your town, and you can all have your homes back. [together] all right! yeah! whoo-hoo! - well, i guess we all learned that south park is more than just a town. it's a community that nobody can split up. - dude, who the hell are you? - alex...alex glick. i got to come on and do the guest voice thingy. - what? get the hell out of here. - hi, mom. hi, dad. hi, jill. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com

>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. thank you so much for tuning in. thank you for coming out. this is it! this is it! thank you so much for coming out. take a seat, everybody. i'm trevor noah. so excited. our guest tonight is one of the greatest actors to ever grace the screen. she's won an oscar for her role in "hidden figures" and an oscar for her role in "the help." octavia spencer is joining us, everybody. ( cheers and applause )

we will be chatting about her new show on netflix called "self made." also on tonight's show tom hanks has taken on his most challenging role. the coronavirus virus dunks on the n.b.a. and president trump drops the "f" bomb. so let's catch up on today's headlines. all right, my friends, as you know, this is normally the part of the show where i try and catch you up on some news happening in and around the world, you know. like on a normal day, we would be covering saudi arabia's oil war with russia and how they're crashing the price of oil. or we'd be covering how u.s. soccer has claimed the reason they think men should get paid more than women is because fans at the men's games are really mean. ( laughter ) it's a real thing. or we would even be covering how apple says they might be launching a feature that allows to you delete imessages after you've sent them. yeah, my only question is why didn't they come up with this

before my divorce? ( laughter ) but really, none of those news stories are what anybody is focusing on, because all everybody is talking about is the coronavirus pandemic-- a.k.a., covid-19. i feel like that's how you know this thing has gotten serious, because now we've switched to using the government's virus name. "covid-19, get your ass down here. explain why you're infecting the world." your name is covid, boy. i created your virus ass, and i'm not afraid to be the vaccine." ( applause ) anyway, the past 24 hours has been one of the biggest corona news cycles we have been a part of yet. and part of that was because it went from a disease affecting anonymous people to affecting the world's most famous face. >> stunning announcement: hollywood legend tom hanks and his wife, rita wilson, revealing they have the coronavirus, testing positive in australia, the couple now in isolation. >> we felt a bit tired, like we

had colds and some body aches. rita had some chills that came and went, slight fevers, too. not much more to it than a one-day-at-a-time approach, no? >> trevor: yes, ladies and gentlemen, corona got to tom hanks. and this man's already been through so much. i mean, think about it. after the war he's been through and that time his plane crashed. ( laughter ) and he already had to deal with his dog dying. i feel bad for him. ( laughter ) i mean, at the same time, he shouldn't have been letting everyone touch his chocolates. that's probably how he got it. ( laughter ) but, regardless, he has announced that him and his wife, rita wilson, are going to be in isolation. and, luckily, he's used to being stuck alone with wilson, so he'll be fine. ( laughter ) yeah, you thought the movie jokes were done, and then i came back with another one. ( applause ) you know, just-- just, by the way, this is a weird story. a funny thing happened to me yesterday. when i saw tom hanks and rita wilson trending, i was so devastated, because i thought after 31 years together they were getting divorced. and i was like, "oh, no!" and then i clicked on the news. and i was like, "oh, thank god, they're getting corona.

i mean, not thank god, but thank god." ( laughter ) honestly, i can't believe that tom hanks is the first celebrity to get the virus. i would have expected someone ridiculous like flavor flav or charlie sheen. or sarah pale-- but tom hanks. this is insane. this is like finding out mr. rogers has chlamydia. yeah, it would be like, "i didn't even think he had genitals." ( laughter ) it's almost like coronavirus chose tom hanks just to send a message to the rest of us, you know, like prison rules, just like, "if i can get hanks, i can get to anyone." ( laughter ) so the biggest star in hollywood just tested positive for coronavirus. and, luckily, he's saying he's feeling good. you know, he's obviously sick, but he's feeling good, and he's going to be quarantined until he fully recovers. but coronavirus isn't just sweeping the entertainment world. it turns out it's going after everything. >> the n.b.a. made the stunning decision to suspend the season indefinitely because of the coronavirus. >> the n.c.a.a. just canceled

the "march madness" tournament. >> the m.l.s., the n.h.l., they suspended their season. >> disneyland in california will be closing starting on saturday. >> broadway shows will now close, and so will the met opera and the met museum of art. >> trevor: yes, my friends, life as we know it has been canceled. now we're all just go to have to go home and die of corona. or, even worse, spend time with our families. ( laughter ) we're not going to die. please, i'm joking. but it is big news, right. parades are canceled, movies are delayed, broadway is dark. the n.b.a. has suspended its season indefinitely, which is devastating news for those teams. they won't be playing basketball. it's devastating except for the knicks. they haven't played basketball in 20 years. ( laughter ) but-- but i will say, i do agree with shutting down disneyland. i mean, it's a breeding ground for disease. think about it. there are rats everywhere hugging people. it's disgusting. ( laughter ) and the big one, one of the big ones is new york cancelling the st. patrick's day parade for the

first time in 250 years. yeah, that's a big deal. and i get it. i get it. new york city doesn't want people sick and vomiting in the streets and then getting corona afterwards. they don't want that. ( laughter ) so that's how the coronavirus has been affecting the u.s. but, remember, this is a global disease that's affecting everyone. and one of the craziest unexpected side effectes of corona is probably in this video that came out of thailand. >> this is a video from thailand, and that is hundreds of monkeys that are hungry. these monkeys are used to having tourists feed them bananas, but thailand has seen a massive drop in tourism because of the coronavirus, and so these monkeys are just invading cities. locals said they looked like wild dogs attacking each other whenever one of them got a single banana. >> trevor: holy shit! ( laughter ) there are no tourists to feed the monkeys in thailand, and so they are just absolutely wreaking havoc, which is crazy. because imagine if you are the one tourist left in thailand

right now. ( laughter ) yeah, you're just like, "time for my breakfast banana." and the monkeys swarm over, and it's just you and your skeleton left behind. ( laughter ) because i don't know about you, but rabid monkeys are the most terrifying aninal my book. no, because, like, i know a lot of animals can attack you, but monkeys for some reason, they just seem so much better equipped, you know. they can open doors. they can handle tools. you know, they can pick up things with their feet. they're the only animal that can do sign language. so they can even tell you what they're doing. "i'm going to kill you." ( laughter ) ( applause ) like, the only person who doesn't need to be afraid of rabid monkeys is mitch mcconnell. yeah, because if they try and rip his face off, he'll just be like, "joke's on you. i have tons to spare. meh. meh." ( laughter ) i mean, it's really insane.

you've got corona shutting down the planet. and then now a crazy monkey invasion on top of it. it's like we're living in two different disaster movies at once. ( laughter ) somewhere out there in space, there's an asteroid headed to us like, "i'm going to come back later. you guys, yeah... it feels like there's a lot going on." all right, that's it for the headlines. let's move on to our top story. ( cheers and applause ) let's talk about a different threat to humanity that also has no cure-- donald trump. ( laughter ) with the world on edge, people are looking to their leaders for reassurance and answers. unfortunately, we have him. so last night, the president held an emergency live address from the oval office to calm the nation down and to find someone else to blame. >> breaking news: tipping point. president trump addresses the nation on the coronavirus pandemic, using just his second oval office speech to announce the u.s. will suspend most travel from europe. >> the european union failed to take the same precautions and

restrict travel from china and other hot spots. as a result, a large number of new clusters in the united states were seeded by travelers from europe. this is the most aggressive and comprehensive effort to confront a foreign virus in modern history. >> trevor: okay, first of all, it isn't a foreign virus. it's just a virus, okay. trump makes it sound like corona doesn't speak english. ( laughter ) and-- and-- and, also, we can blame europe for many things-- colonialism, skinny jeans, piers morgan-- but this virus is worldwide, all right. it was going to get here no matter what europe did. honestly, it's beginning to look like shutting down borders is just trump's go-to solution for everything. this is all he thinks about. "problem: shut the border. problem: shut the border." does he do this in his personal life, too? is melania just like, "i don't love you anymore, donald." and he's like, "close the borders. no one is getting in or out of this marriage." ( laughter ) now, donald trump's presidential

address turned out to be as calming as a pack of fireworks dropped into a bag of cocaine, because not only did he surprise everyone with this announcement, but it turns out he almost got everything wrong. >> president trump ramping up his response to the coronavirus outbreak, but instead of reassuring the public, he caused more confusion than calm, like this statement: >> we will be suspending all travel from europe to the united states for the next 30 days. >> the department of homeland security quickly clarifying, assuring the travel restrictions will not apply to u.s. citizens, permanent residents, and some of their family members. the ban, instead, would only apply to foreign nationals. trump caused more uncertainty when he said the restriction would apply to trade. >> and these prohibitions will not only apply to the tremendous amount of trade and cargo, but various other things. >> but trump took to twitter to clear up that statement,

writing, "it is very important for all countries and businesses to know that trade will in no way be affected by the 30-day restriction on travel from europe. the restriction stops people, not goods." president trump further jumbled the message when he addressed the health care costs associated with coronavirus. >> earlier this week, i met with the leaders of health insurance industry who have agreed to waive all copayments for coronavirus treatments. >> a white house official later corrected the notion, saying copayments would be waived only for coronavirus tests, not for treatments of the disease. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i'm-- i'm sorry, but this is-- this is unbelievable. like, i would-- i would understand if trump made mistakes, right, if this whole thing was off the cuff. but how is it possible to get so many things wrong in a prewritten speech? ( laughter ) this is crazy! watching an oval address shouldn't be a game of "two truths and a lie." ( laughter ) ( applause ) he's just up there like, "the

coronavirus is very dangerous. we need to be vigilant, and my baby-sitter growing up was kareem abdul jabar. ( laughter ) god bless america." and this misinformation that the president spread, it caused actual chaos, all right. the european travel ban doesn't include american citizens, but that's not what trump said in his speech. so americans who are on vacation in europe rushed to the airport in a panic to fly home before the ban took effect. yeah, there were even reports of people shelling out thousands of dollars for a last-minute ticket because they were panicking, yeah. and then the ones who couldn't get them, they just hung off the airplane like one of those trains in india. ( laughter ) trump caused so much confusion, that even the coronavirus was probably like, "okay, wait, can i fly to america or not? like, i'm just going to call delta. i don't know what's going on here." ( laughter ) ( applause ) so just to be clear-- americans-- americans can fly home from europe. which, if you think about it, means they could bring corona back. yeah. it's not a fail-safe. because americans always bring

something back with them whenever they come from europe. yeah, it's a thing they do, whether it's a disease or a dumb new way to say cruh-sahnt. it's a croissant, okay. you're from philly. calm down. ( laughter ) and another thing, another thing that doesn't make sense is that although trump banned travel from europe, he didn't ban flights from ireland and the u.k. and when trump was asked about that today, he gave one of the strangest explanations of all time. >> and one of the reasons u.k., basically, has been-- it's got the border. it's got very strong borders. and they're-- they're doing a very good job. they don't have very much infection at this point, and hopefully, they'll keep it that way. >> trevor: i'm sorry, what? ( laughter ) the u.k. is fine because it's got "the border"? ( laughter ) other countries in europe also have "the border." unless maybe does he mean the water? ( laughter ) is that it? what, does trump think the coronavirus doesn't know how to swim? because that's racist. ( laughter )

and also, also, like, i can't believe i'm saying-- it's not true. the u.k. and ireland have more corona cases than many of the countries on that list that is banned. so let's just be real. the reason the u.k. and ireland are exempt is probably because trump owns golf courses there, yeah. that's what i think. you know, if iran thought about it, they would just put a trump golf course in tehran. they'd have a nuclear deal tomorrow. trump would just be like, "now you're enriching me and uranium. it's a win-win. win-win." ( applause ) so, look, i'm not going to sugar coat it-- president trump's oval office address last night, it was an absolute disaster. but there was a silver lining. because, you see, for some strange reason, the cameras were recording trump before he gave his address, all right. but he didn't realize it was rolling. and so today, we got to see the real trump when he's not acting presidential.

and, honestly, this was pure comedy gold. >> you want to do this for me, alex, please? what's our time? >> two minutes, 20 seconds. >> do you like the book being on the desk or not? ( laughter ) would you rather have it not be? maybe it looks better, gives you something up here, right? does it matter? ( laughter ) what? oh, ( bleep ). ( laughter ) uh-oh. i got a pen mark. anybody have any white-- do you have any white stuff? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> trevor: "oh, ( bleep )! does anyone have any white stuff?" ( laughter ) first of all, his name is mike pence, okay, mr. president? ( laughter ) ( applause ) but can i just say-- i can safely say, this is the first time in my life that i've seen the deleted scenes of a presidential address.

like, america's downfall might be scary, but you gotta admit the bloopers are hilarious. and it was-- it was really weird hearing a president in the oval office say "oh, ( bleep )." ( laughter ) although, i guess now we know what it sounds like whenever he gets a call from eric. "aaahh." now, i'm going to go out on a limb and say donald trump is as freaked out by coronavirus as regular citizens, which is wild because he's the president. and the reason i say that is because it turns out the cameras carried on rolling after trump ended his speech, and his reaction was priceless. >> god bless you, and god bless america. thank you. >> we're clear. >> okayyy. ( laughter ). >> trevor: yeah... ( applause ) that is not the sound you want

to hear from a president after a serious address. f.d.r. didn't reassure the nation by saying, "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. okayyy, daddy needs a margarita. can i get a margarita? i need a drink. oh, they're still here?" so look, this is all to say that despite the efforts of sports leagues, amusement parks, state and local governments, unfortunately, the man at the top just does not seem to have his shit together. and with coronavirus now in full pandemic mode, all i have to say to that is oh, ( bleep ). we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) >> leaders are afraid to say the thing. because it seems callous, but we don't want to say the honest

thing in society and that is fyou're going to die you're going to die. no, because i think it is important-- death is like a thing that terrifies many of us, right. but if you have perspective in and around so many things you start trying-- for instance, coronavirus has claimed 5,000 lives across the globe, 5,000 people across the planet right now. yes, the number increases, but 5,000 people across the planet. every day in the united states, there are approximately 3,000 deaths on the road, every day in the united states. 3,000 a day, 5,000 across the globe in the month that we've had this-- like, there's some perspective-- and we live with that. we drive. we go-- because we've gone like, we've established a certain acceptable level of risk for what we're going to do. so i'm not saying we must be ignorant of all exprisk you don't want the virus to spread to those most vulnerable. but it would be good to have a leader who can put things in perspective. the problem with trump is he's more worried about how it affects the perception of him versus what he's doing-- this is when you realize how important

good leadership is. you know what i'm saying? a good leader would set expectations for a nation and put you in a good place. the way i always think of it is like a pilot. like, for me, the best pilots are the ones who come on and tell you, "hey, it's going to be bumpy." ( laughter ) i love those because i get terrified when i fly. i love when the pilot goes, "hey, everybody, it's going to be really bumpy. so we'll be suspending service. there won't be meals served for a while. but i'll try to get to the right altitude and hopefully it will smooth out and i'll let you guy knows when it's safe to stand up." and when the bumps start, you're like, "this is the shit he was telling us about! here it comes! "about the ought least you're in-- okay, okayue get what i'm saying. there's nothing worse when you fly and the pilot comes on, "nothing to worry about folks." and it's like, "shit is shaking right now! the seat belt sign is on." and the pilot is like, "no, no, there's nothing wrong."

something is wrong. the flight attendant is falling. she hit the floor and now she's on the ceiling. "there's nothing wrong. ladies and gentlemen, take your seats, please, we're fine-- we're find, ladies and-- no, we're not fine! but if you tell us ahead of time, we get ready for it, we buckle our seat belts, everybody rides it out and we get on to [sfx: ding] ♪ ♪ i don't know about you ♪ ♪ but i got to get it out ♪ i don't know how soon ♪ [sfx: chime] how much? cinco pesos vale. oh ok, thanks. [sfx: ding] ♪ but if we die, ♪ i want to bring the whole thing too ♪ ♪ ooooooh ♪ just another world that i gotta ♪ ♪ get a grip of and hold onto ♪ [sfx: chime] thanks. ♪ ooooooh [sfx: chime] [sfx: ding] [sfx: chime] [sfx: ding]

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and once we did that, we realized his greatest adventure is just beginning. (vo) welcome to the most adventurous outback ever. the all-new subaru outback. go where love takes you. s ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." >> you might have heard to do our part, "the daily show is not going to have a live studio audience started on monday. you guys are the heart and soul of the show. but before you go i wanted to dedicate a little something to you and all those audience members who joined us here before.

here in new york who help us make every episode of the "the daily show." this one goes out to you. ♪ eeeeh. i never know what they're doing when they do that but i think it looks and feels professionals. bllllllllll bllllllllll all right, all right. five, six, seven, eight. ♪ ♪ is it still a joke if no one laughs at it? am i still a host if i'm just standing in an empty room? audience, this is for you. ♪ time for social distancing pack your things and go ♪ just know that i'll be waiting for you to come back to the show ♪ to the ones who stood

and the ones who clapped ♪ i'll even give a shout-out to the haters who sat there and never laughed ♪ it's the ones who cheered and the people who love to wave ♪ i'll even miss those ones who seemed tow get all the jokes too late. ( laughter ) >> you know, i'm even going to miss those people who forgot to turn off their phones during the show and messed me up and spoiled jokes. but, you know, i liked hearing the ring tones. they were so retro. ♪ i'm going to miss those guys who love to explain the show. >> it's funny because trump is dumb ♪ the people with the weirdest laughs are the ones i'll miss the most ( weird laughing ) ♪ the guy who came to kill me, but then i won him over with my jokes ♪ the fans who came from africa and just wanted to hear about

home. >> tell them about uganda! >> trevor: no one knows about ugawnd, man. but i'm going to miss you. it's time for quarantine, you all. i can't wait until this is over and the virus is beat and all your asses are back in those seats. i love you guys. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you so much, thank you. it all starts with an invitation. to feel connected. the invitation to lexus sales event now through march 31st. lease the 2020 es350 for $379 a month for 36 months and we'll make your first months payment. experience amazing at your lexus dealer. i opened a sofi money account and it was the first time that i realized i could be earning interest back on my money. i just discovered sofi, and i'm an investor with a diversified portfolio.

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microsoft teams invites everyone you work with to work together. be seen, be heard, be there when you're not. share your files, and your opinion. and maybe even a happy little fruit guy. when you're ready to unleash the power of your team, open teams. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an academy award-winning actor who executive produces and stars in the netflix series called "self made" about america's first femal self-made millionaire, madam c.j. walker. >> i know what it's like to not have running water or products made for it. but most important, i know if she looked good, we all look good. >> right about that.