tv The Daily Show With Trevor Noah Comedy Central March 13, 2020 7:00am-7:35am PDT
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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. thank you so much for tuning in. thank you for coming out. this is it! this is it! thank you so much for coming out. take a seat, everybody. i'm trevor noah. so excited. our guest tonight is one of the greatest actors to ever grace the screen. she's won an oscar for her role in "hidden figures" and an oscar
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for her role in "the help." octavia spencer is joining us, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) we will be chatting about her new show on netflix called "self made." also on tonight's show tom hanks has taken on his most challenging role. the coronavirus virus dunks on the n.b.a. and president trump drops the "f" bomb. so let's catch up on today's headlines. all right, my friends, as you know, this is normally the part of the show where i try and catch you up on some news happening in and around the world, you know. like on a normal day, we would be covering saudi arabia's oil war with russia and how they're crashing the price of oil. or we'd be covering how u.s. soccer has claimed the reason they think men should get paid more than women is because fans at the men's games are really mean. ( laughter ) it's a real thing. or we would even be covering how apple says they might be launching a feature that allows to you delete imessages after you've sent them.
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yeah, my only question is why didn't they come up with this before my divorce? ( laughter ) but really, none of those news stories are what anybody is focusing on, because all everybody is talking about is the coronavirus pandemic-- a.k.a., covid-19. i feel like that's how you know this thing has gotten serious, because now we've switched to using the government's virus name. "covid-19, get your ass down here. explain why you're infecting the world." your name is covid, boy. i created your virus ass, and i'm not afraid to be the vaccine." ( applause ) anyway, the past 24 hours has been one of the biggest corona news cycles we have been a part of yet. and part of that was because it went from a disease affecting anonymous people to affecting the world's most famous face. >> stunning announcement: hollywood legend tom hanks and his wife, rita wilson, revealing they have the coronavirus, testing positive in australia, the couple now in isolation.
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>> we felt a bit tired, like we had colds and some body aches. rita had some chills that came and went, slight fevers, too. not much more to it than a one-day-at-a-time approach, no? >> trevor: yes, ladies and gentlemen, corona got to tom hanks. and this man's already been through so much. i mean, think about it. after the war he's been through and that time his plane crashed. ( laughter ) and he already had to deal with his dog dying. i feel bad for him. ( laughter ) i mean, at the same time, he shouldn't have been letting everyone touch his chocolates. that's probably how he got it. ( laughter ) but, regardless, he has announced that him and his wife, rita wilson, are going to be in isolation. and, luckily, he's used to being stuck alone with wilson, so he'll be fine. ( laughter ) yeah, you thought the movie jokes were done, and then i came back with another one. ( applause ) you know, just-- just, by the way, this is a weird story. a funny thing happened to me yesterday. when i saw tom hanks and rita wilson trending, i was so devastated, because i thought after 31 years together they were getting divorced. and i was like, "oh, no!" and then i clicked on the news.
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and i was like, "oh, thank god, they're getting corona. i mean, not thank god, but thank god." ( laughter ) honestly, i can't believe that tom hanks is the first celebrity to get the virus. i would have expected someone ridiculous like flavor flav or charlie sheen. or sarah pale-- but tom hanks. this is insane. this is like finding out mr. rogers has chlamydia. yeah, it would be like, "i didn't even think he had genitals." ( laughter ) it's almost like coronavirus chose tom hanks just to send a message to the rest of us, you know, like prison rules, just like, "if i can get hanks, i can get to anyone." ( laughter ) so the biggest star in hollywood just tested positive for coronavirus. and, luckily, he's saying he's feeling good. you know, he's obviously sick, but he's feeling good, and he's going to be quarantined until he fully recovers. but coronavirus isn't just sweeping the entertainment world. it turns out it's going after everything. >> the n.b.a. made the stunning decision to suspend the season indefinitely because of the coronavirus. >> the n.c.a.a. just canceled
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the "march madness" tournament. >> the m.l.s., the n.h.l., they suspended their season. >> disneyland in california will be closing starting on saturday. >> broadway shows will now close, and so will the met opera and the met museum of art. >> trevor: yes, my friends, life as we know it has been canceled. now we're all just go to have to go home and die of corona. or, even worse, spend time with our families. ( laughter ) we're not going to die. please, i'm joking. but it is big news, right. parades are canceled, movies are delayed, broadway is dark. the n.b.a. has suspended its season indefinitely, which is devastating news for those teams. they won't be playing basketball. it's devastating except for the knicks. they haven't played basketball in 20 years. ( laughter ) but-- but i will say, i do agree with shutting down disneyland. i mean, it's a breeding ground for disease. think about it. there are rats everywhere hugging people. it's disgusting. ( laughter ) and the big one, one of the big
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ones is new york cancelling the st. patrick's day parade for the first time in 250 years. yeah, that's a big deal. and i get it. i get it. new york city doesn't want people sick and vomiting in the streets and then getting corona afterwards. they don't want that. ( laughter ) so that's how the coronavirus has been affecting the u.s. but, remember, this is a global disease that's affecting everyone. and one of the craziest unexpected side effectes of corona is probably in this video that came out of thailand. >> this is a video from thailand, and that is hundreds of monkeys that are hungry. these monkeys are used to having tourists feed them bananas, but thailand has seen a massive drop in tourism because of the coronavirus, and so these monkeys are just invading cities. locals said they looked like wild dogs attacking each other whenever one of them got a single banana. >> trevor: holy shit! ( laughter ) there are no tourists to feed the monkeys in thailand, and so they are just absolutely wreaking havoc, which is crazy.
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because imagine if you are the one tourist left in thailand right now. ( laughter ) yeah, you're just like, "time for my breakfast banana." and the monkeys swarm over, and it's just you and your skeleton left behind. ( laughter ) because i don't know about you, but rabid monkeys are the most terrifying aninal my book. no, because, like, i know a lot of animals can attack you, but monkeys for some reason, they just seem so much better equipped, you know. they can open doors. they can handle tools. you know, they can pick up things with their feet. they're the only animal that can do sign language. so they can even tell you what they're doing. "i'm going to kill you." ( laughter ) ( applause ) like, the only person who doesn't need to be afraid of rabid monkeys is mitch mcconnell. yeah, because if they try and rip his face off, he'll just be like, "joke's on you. i have tons to spare. meh. meh." ( laughter )
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i mean, it's really insane. you've got corona shutting down the planet. and then now a crazy monkey invasion on top of it. it's like we're living in two different disaster movies at once. ( laughter ) somewhere out there in space, there's an asteroid headed to us like, "i'm going to come back later. you guys, yeah... it feels like there's a lot going on." all right, that's it for the headlines. let's move on to our top story. ( cheers and applause ) let's talk about a different threat to humanity that also has no cure-- donald trump. ( laughter ) with the world on edge, people are looking to their leaders for reassurance and answers. unfortunately, we have him. so last night, the president held an emergency live address from the oval office to calm the nation down and to find someone else to blame. >> breaking news: tipping point. president trump addresses the nation on the coronavirus pandemic, using just his second oval office speech to announce the u.s. will suspend most travel from europe. >> the european union failed to
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take the same precautions and restrict travel from china and other hot spots. as a result, a large number of new clusters in the united states were seeded by travelers from europe. this is the most aggressive and comprehensive effort to confront a foreign virus in modern history. >> trevor: okay, first of all, it isn't a foreign virus. it's just a virus, okay. trump makes it sound like corona doesn't speak english. ( laughter ) and-- and-- and, also, we can blame europe for many things-- colonialism, skinny jeans, piers morgan-- but this virus is worldwide, all right. it was going to get here no matter what europe did. honestly, it's beginning to look like shutting down borders is just trump's go-to solution for everything. this is all he thinks about. "problem: shut the border. problem: shut the border." does he do this in his personal life, too? is melania just like, "i don't love you anymore, donald." and he's like, "close the borders. no one is getting in or out of this marriage." ( laughter )
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now, donald trump's presidential address turned out to be as calming as a pack of fireworks dropped into a bag of cocaine, because not only did he surprise everyone with this announcement, but it turns out he almost got everything wrong. >> president trump ramping up his response to the coronavirus outbreak, but instead of reassuring the public, he caused more confusion than calm, like this statement: >> we will be suspending all travel from europe to the united states for the next 30 days. >> the department of homeland security quickly clarifying, assuring the travel restrictions will not apply to u.s. citizens, permanent residents, and some of their family members. the ban, instead, would only apply to foreign nationals. trump caused more uncertainty when he said the restriction would apply to trade. >> and these prohibitions will not only apply to the tremendous amount of trade and cargo, but various other things. >> but trump took to twitter to
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clear up that statement, writing, "it is very important for all countries and businesses to know that trade will in no way be affected by the 30-day restriction on travel from europe. the restriction stops people, not goods." president trump further jumbled the message when he addressed the health care costs associated with coronavirus. >> earlier this week, i met with the leaders of health insurance industry who have agreed to waive all copayments for coronavirus treatments. >> a white house official later corrected the notion, saying copayments would be waived only for coronavirus tests, not for treatments of the disease. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i'm-- i'm sorry, but this is-- this is unbelievable. like, i would-- i would understand if trump made mistakes, right, if this whole thing was off the cuff. but how is it possible to get so many things wrong in a prewritten speech? ( laughter ) this is crazy! watching an oval address shouldn't be a game of "two truths and a lie." ( laughter ) ( applause )
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he's just up there like, "the coronavirus is very dangerous. we need to be vigilant, and my baby-sitter growing up was kareem abdul jabar. ( laughter ) god bless america." and this misinformation that the president spread, it caused actual chaos, all right. the european travel ban doesn't include american citizens, but that's not what trump said in his speech. so americans who are on vacation in europe rushed to the airport in a panic to fly home before the ban took effect. yeah, there were even reports of people shelling out thousands of dollars for a last-minute ticket because they were panicking, yeah. and then the ones who couldn't get them, they just hung off the airplane like one of those trains in india. ( laughter ) trump caused so much confusion, that even the coronavirus was probably like, "okay, wait, can i fly to america or not? like, i'm just going to call delta. i don't know what's going on here." ( laughter ) ( applause ) so just to be clear-- americans-- americans can fly home from europe. which, if you think about it, means they could bring corona back. yeah. it's not a fail-safe.
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because americans always bring something back with them whenever they come from europe. yeah, it's a thing they do, whether it's a disease or a dumb new way to say cruh-sahnt. it's a croissant, okay. you're from philly. calm down. ( laughter ) and another thing, another thing that doesn't make sense is that although trump banned travel from europe, he didn't ban flights from ireland and the u.k. and when trump was asked about that today, he gave one of the strangest explanations of all time. >> and one of the reasons u.k., basically, has been-- it's got the border. it's got very strong borders. and they're-- they're doing a very good job. they don't have very much infection at this point, and hopefully, they'll keep it that way. >> trevor: i'm sorry, what? ( laughter ) the u.k. is fine because it's got "the border"? ( laughter ) other countries in europe also have "the border." unless maybe does he mean the water? ( laughter ) is that it? what, does trump think the coronavirus doesn't know how to swim? because that's racist.
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( laughter ) and also, also, like, i can't believe i'm saying-- it's not true. the u.k. and ireland have more corona cases than many of the countries on that list that is banned. so let's just be real. the reason the u.k. and ireland are exempt is probably because trump owns golf courses there, yeah. that's what i think. you know, if iran thought about it, they would just put a trump golf course in tehran. they'd have a nuclear deal tomorrow. trump would just be like, "now you're enriching me and uranium. it's a win-win. win-win." ( applause ) so, look, i'm not going to sugar coat it-- president trump's oval office address last night, it was an absolute disaster. but there was a silver lining. because, you see, for some strange reason, the cameras were recording trump before he gave his address, all right. but he didn't realize it was rolling. and so today, we got to see the real trump when he's not acting
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presidential. and, honestly, this was pure comedy gold. >> you want to do this for me, alex, please? what's our time? >> two minutes, 20 seconds. >> do you like the book being on the desk or not? ( laughter ) would you rather have it not be? maybe it looks better, gives you something up here, right? does it matter? ( laughter ) what? oh, ( bleep ). ( laughter ) uh-oh. i got a pen mark. anybody have any white-- do you have any white stuff? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> trevor: "oh, ( bleep )! does anyone have any white stuff?" ( laughter ) first of all, his name is mike pence, okay, mr. president? ( laughter ) ( applause ) but can i just say-- i can safely say, this is the first time in my life that i've seen the deleted scenes of a presidential address.
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like, america's downfall might be scary, but you gotta admit the bloopers are hilarious. and it was-- it was really weird hearing a president in the oval office say "oh, ( bleep )." ( laughter ) although, i guess now we know what it sounds like whenever he gets a call from eric. "aaahh." now, i'm going to go out on a limb and say donald trump is as freaked out by coronavirus as regular citizens, which is wild because he's the president. and the reason i say that is because it turns out the cameras carried on rolling after trump ended his speech, and his reaction was priceless. >> god bless you, and god bless america. thank you. >> we're clear. >> okayyy. ( laughter ). >> trevor: yeah... ( applause )
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that is not the sound you want to hear from a president after a serious address. f.d.r. didn't reassure the nation by saying, "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. okayyy, daddy needs a margarita. can i get a margarita? i need a drink. oh, they're still here?" so look, this is all to say that despite the efforts of sports leagues, amusement parks, state and local governments, unfortunately, the man at the top just does not seem to have his shit together. and with coronavirus now in full pandemic mode, all i have to say to that is oh, ( bleep ). we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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s ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." >> you might have heard to do our part, "the daily show is not going to have a live studio audience started on monday. you guys are the heart and soul of the show. but before you go i wanted to dedicate a little something to you and all those audience members who joined us here
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before. here in new york who help us make every episode of the "the daily show." this one goes out to you. ♪ eeeeh. i never know what they're doing when they do that but i think it looks and feels professionals. bllllllllll bllllllllll all right, all right. five, six, seven, eight. ♪ ♪ is it still a joke if no one laughs at it? am i still a host if i'm just standing in an empty room? audience, this is for you. ♪ time for social distancing pack your things and go ♪ just know that i'll be waiting for you to come back to the show ♪ to the ones who stood
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and the ones who clapped ♪ i'll even give a shout-out to the haters who sat there and never laughed ♪ it's the ones who cheered and the people who love to wave ♪ i'll even miss those ones who seemed tow get all the jokes too late. ( laughter ) >> you know, i'm even going to miss those people who forgot to turn off their phones during the show and messed me up and spoiled jokes. but, you know, i liked hearing the ring tones. they were so retro. ♪ i'm going to miss those guys who love to explain the show. >> it's funny because trump is dumb ♪ the people with the weirdest laughs are the ones i'll miss the most ( weird laughing ) ♪ the guy who came to kill me, but then i won him over with my jokes ♪ the fans who came from africa and just wanted to hear about
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home. >> tell them about uganda! >> trevor: no one knows about ugawnd, man. but i'm going to miss you. it's time for quarantine, you all. i can't wait until this is over and the virus is beat and all your asses are back in those seats. i love you guys. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you so much, thank you. today, john got dressed for his first,
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first date with sarah. john told his stitch fix stylist evan that tonight was a big deal. so his stylist did the hard work for him. browsing hundreds of styles and sizes to find the perfect fitting shirt and blazer. so that tonight john could feel totally himself. at stitch fix we don't just see your size or your style. we see you. let us find your perfect fit at stitchfix.com.
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an academy award-winning actor who executive produces and stars in the netflix series called "self made" about america's first femal self-made millionaire, madam c.j. walker. >> i know what it's like to not have running water or products made for it. but most important, i know if she looked good, we all look good. >> right about that.
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>> if you look respectable, we all look respectable. >> that's right. >> everything we do as negros are placed back on us. >> that's right. >> so if i can help one person, i'm lifting us all up. >> yes. >> wonderful hair grower gives me the confidence every day to beat the enemy, slay the demon, fight the good fight as a colored woman in america. wonderful hair leads to wonderful opportunities. >> trevor: please welcome octavia spencer. ( cheers and applause ) >> i got to get on this chair! wow! >> trevor: wow! thank you so much for being here. >> well, thank you for having me. >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." it's truly an honor for me because you are one of my favorite actors that i've ever had the pleasure of watching. >> oh, my god.
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thank you. >> trevor: genuinely are you. and i'm excited to see you in telling this story as well, you're contingent the tale of an amazing black woman who overcame the odds to create an epipyre that no one thought was possible, c.j. walker. madam c.j. walker. tell me about the story and why you chose to create it. >> well, madam c.j. was a standard bearer in my home. my mom used her as an example for me and my siblings, because we were from very humble begins. and madam was born a slave-- the first to be free in her family. and she was able to, as you said, to just achieve so much through insurmountable odds, and she didn't have the right to vote or really own property. she was born sarah breedlove. she became madam c.j. walker through marriage and through her marriage, and basically in name, became one of the most powerful women of her time.
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>> trevor: it really is fascinating when you watch the story because, essentially, she made the fenty beauty of her time. >> she did. >> trevor: that's what she did. here she was a a black woman who realized black women weren't being catered to at all-- something that is surprisingly still true today in beauty and in products and in care. and she said, "i'm going to make something for my people, and i'm going to put my face on it," which was a big deal. you show that in the story. people were like, oh, madam c.j. walker, you can't just-- why do you think it was so important for her to put her face on the product because somebody said that face won't sell a product? >> because somebody said, that face won't sell a product." i guess if she was-- created the fenty of her time, does that make me rihanna? >> trevor: it does. it does. ( laughter ) it basically does. it really does. ( applause ) it really does. >> you know, but-- in all seriousness, i think she-- she put her face on the product
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because someone said that she wasn't beautiful. >> trevor: right. >> and i think she wanted to be beautiful in her husband's eyes. but when she realized her own beauty, that's when she became powerful. >> trevor: it really is an amazing story of this woman who has an idea, overcomes insurmountable odds-- is not a perfect person as well. that's what i love about the show is you showing us a human being who is creates her empire. there was no "forbes," back but some people estimated she had $10 million. it's a lot of money now. it's a ton of money back then. you have been outspoken about the journey many black people, black women, specifically, face in hollywood. the challenges of not just having work but having control of your work, creating work.
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you have now begun a journey of madam c.j. walker through hollywood. i believe you're creating, what, 10 projects as we speak? >> yeah, a few. ( applause ) >> trevor: whats that-- what has that journey been like? >> you know, i think you touched on something really important to me because so many people have asked me, what is the role that you feel you're destined to play?" and for me, it is producer, because not only am i creating opportunities for myself but for so many other people who have been marginalized, whose voices haven't been heard, whose stories haven't been told. >> trevor: right. >> and we just had such synergy with the diversity of women who were a part of this. and i feel very grateful that i got to be a part of it. >> trevor: before i let you go, i know that legron james is-- is he one of the producers on the show? >> yes, yes. springhill entertainment, maverick, everybody over there, they just-- lebron, they've been amazing to partner with.
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when i was making my deal, we had reached an impasse with the studio, and i'm one of those people-- because i told you, i'm from humble beginnings. you know, i need, like, meatloaf, some potatoes, some good murder mysteries. you know, i live beneath my means so that i'm not living in golden handcuffs. >> trevor: right. >> and i can walk away from the negotiating table. and i was prepared to walk away. and lebron and maverick intervened on my behalf, and we have to have that advocacy until women are, you know, treated fairly with regard to the pay gap. >> trevor: lebron with another assist. thank you so much for sharing that story. thank you for being on the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: i hope everyone watches this. "self made: inspired by the life of madam c.j. walker," will be available on netflix march 20. octavia spencer, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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