her, -huhuh ♪ ♪ making love with each other, uh-huh ♪ we're making love! ♪ islands in the stream ♪ that is what we are ♪ no one in-between ♪ how can we be wrong ♪ sail away with me ♪ fz hey everybody trevor noah here, the daily show is officially back on tv. yay. well, not like on tv on tv. because for now on "the daily show," it is the daily social distancing show broadcasting from my apartments. because we're being responsible and we're staying at home, you know, to help contain the spread of coronavirus. i have been in my house for 11 days now. here st a fun tip i learned today. rice tastes better if you soak it in some hot water first. yeah, not as crunchie but it works. these are cool things you learn when you stay at home. also because i accepted that this is my new reality, i will

slowly turn my little library area into my tv studio. you know there is a more presentable tv studio space. so i am responding to some of your concerns that i have seen online. i have decided to replace the dying plant that was behind me with a fake plant that will last forever. anyway on today's episode we're going to catch up on all the latest coronavirus developments like bad news about the olympics, the big bailout fight in congress and desperate doctors getting help from tv doctors. so let's get floo it. welcome to the daily social distancing show. >> from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is the daily social distancing show with trevor noah! >> trevor: all right, let's kick it off with good news first. the fda approved a new coronavirus test due to start shipping this week. and this test will dramically de crease the wait time for results down from a few days do a mere 45 minutes.

which is no time at all. that is just the time you take to wash your hands if you are doing it right. also as doctors are treating more patients they are learning more about the disease and ways that they can help people self-dying notion earlier. for example, doctors are now saying that a lot of smells or tastes can be a sim-- loss of smells or taste can be a symptom of coronavirus. completely true. if you thought your husband's chronic farting problem got better, are you in daryng. is it just me or does it seem like the disease has more specific symptoms every day, right. because firs they were like okay, it's flu-like symptoms. then no, it's akoff but eye dry cough. and now st like you lose your sense of smell. pretty soon it will be like apparently coronavirus makes your right butt cheek really large, and your left butt cheek gets all lopsided and twichy. then you got to go to the hospital if that happens. you are going to be falling every time you sit down. whoa corona whoa. here is some really good news.

for all those people stressing about running out of toilet paper, there is a new online toilet paper cultivator that will help people figure out-- calculator that will help people figure out how long your supply will last so you can stop hoarding. because right now some people have bought so much toilet paper they can probably pass it down in their will. be like and to my grandchildren, i bequeet my fine collection of charmin ultra soft that i bought during the corona crisis of 2020. so that's the good news. the bad news is that the coronavirus world tour is still in full swing. in india prime minister mot modi has ordered a hundred million people under lockdown. that's right, an entire bus in india is not allowed to move. and in germany chancellor angela merkel became the first european leader to self-quarantine. and the country has banned groups of more than two people

from gathering. which is really unfortunate for germany. because you realize it takes at least five people to get in or out of lederhosen, like leather pants are no choke. -- joke, you can't do that alone. the biggest news is over in japan where the summer olympics look like they're being postponed until 2021. yeah. they are postponing the olympic games. meanwhile tom and linda are going forward with their game night as planned. yeah, i thought i had gotten out of it by now they want me to do it over skype, unbelievable. how do you even play game night over skype. which card do you have, sthat point of the game. have i to show you my cards so you know what cards i have and i'm playing at home, just cancel tom and linda, just cancel. but if i was-- i would have still held the game even if all other countries dropped out. because think about it, if everyone else is out you win gold in every event. they also come last in every

event. but still, i mean you could sing the national anthem for winners and either way i would have held event. the other way to save the olympics is you can just do it over zoom or skype like everything else right now. you know, just have old gymnasts doing their thing in different places. they could all describe it to each other. be like okay, hi, everybody, am i on, can you see me? i'm going to do a back flip right nowvment starting-- what did you say? i can't hear you. you are breaking up. you are breaking up. did you just say, did you say dog shit. no, i said back flip, i'm going to do a back flip. >> i just got on, is it my turn to do. >> no strks my-- i'm doing, you know what, let's-- personally i think they should just turn social distancing into an olympic sport. we can watch that. have you watched people these days when they are walking down the street going topt grocery stomplet every time someone gets within six feet of them they are

basically doing olympic moves. know despites coronavirus being one of the most stressful situations the world has ever experienced, it has also given us moments of pure comedy gold. for instance, in italy despite being one of the hardest hit countries with 60,000 confirmed cases, some italians are still going occupant, living their normal lives and having fun. which is not only irresponsible, it's stressing a lot of people out, right? and so a lot of italian mayors and local leaders have started posting videoless yelling at people to go back

>> yo, i got to sairks i love how direct italians are. because in america mayors are like please help the to flaten the curve, to limit your excursions to only essential travel, we know people aren't doing this, it is just like get the [bleep] inside therk will knock your teeth n you don't listen me, why you don't listen, i will punch new the face, i am going to break you, you are mad, i am going to break you. now while leaders in italy are threatening to come and kick their constituent's ass, the residents of spain seem to be a little more well behaved.

and so to reward the citizens stuck at home, the police are driving around and performing for people in the streets. ♪ >> trevor: see? that's nice. that's a really nice thing for those police to do. and something that would never work in the u.s.a. can you imagine that, police driving out, jumping out of their cars, with instruments playing for people, as soon as black people start clapping the cops would lose their sh tirks, just be like and we're here to sing four. and be like yay, shots fired, shots fired! yo man, i was clapping. put your hands down. >>er in's my hands, man, they're my hands!

all right, so that's some of what is going on around the world. so let's switch gears and catch up on everything over here in the u.s. over the past few days more high profile people have tested positive for coronavirus. andy cohen has coronavirus. senator rand paul has coronavirus. even harvey weinstein who is in prison has tested positive for coronavirus. which makes coronavirus the first thing that has come into contact with harvey weinstein by choice. now because rand paul tested positive, a number of senators who came into contact with him quarantined themselves out of precaution. and when trump was asked about one of those senators, he could barely contain his glee. >> president trump's press briefing yesterday started on notes of unity and strength but quickly turned to him appearing to mock senator mitt romney's decision to self-isolate himself. >> on top of senator paul now four senators are in isolation, and the rules say that. >> who are they please. >> romney, senator lee-- guarder

in and rick scott. >> also. >> two of them were in contact. >> was-- with the critical stimulus package. >> romney is in isolation. >> geez, that's too bad, go ahead. sns is that sarcasm. >> >> trevor: whooo, goddam. you know even if we all get wiped out, i feel like trump's petiness is ghing to be the only thing that survives this pandemic. and like there is no good time tor a president to be a dick, but what he did there was a little, i mean, it was shitty. mitt romney is in danger after being exposed to the virus, right. and mitt romney's wife ann has ms, so she is at a higher risk for complications. and i bet trump didn't even think of this when he spoke, you know, because he can't imagine a husband and wife ever getting close enough to expose one another. now obviously it is not just famous people testing positive for coronavirus. every day the number of infected

people in america goes up by thousands. and because of that, hospitals are now being overwhelmed. doctors are running out of vital supplies like masks, gloves and gowns. and it's gotten so desperate that the cdc is telling doctors to just try and use scarves and bandanas. that's really troubling. for two reasons, one, doctors are obviously going to be at an increased risk of getting infected by the virus. and two every hospital is going to start looking like it is being run by the crips and bloods. >> hey, man, don't you ever let me catch you prescribing shit in my ward, cuz. now let me get that ct scan on miss chewalsky. so now the hospital equipment shortage has gotten so dire that new york governor andrew cuomo announced that the state was forced to buy two million masks from overseas for about five times their regular price. and even though some mask

manufacturers in america are ramping up production, it's not happening fast enough. it's not happening fast enough for the doctors on the front line. and so governors have been pleading with president trump to use the defense production act to force private companies in america to produce all the supplies hospitals desperately need. but trump has refused to use this law implying that it would turn america into venezuela. yeah, and while he's telling american governors to figure things out for themselves, he also wrote a letter to kim jung-un offering to help north korea to fight the coronavirus. so at this point i don't know what more unbelievable, that donald trump is worrying about north korea or that he was able to write an entire letter. like if you ask me, maybe that is what doctors in america need to do. you need to take two hours off and launch some missiles into the sea of japan. then maybe trump will be like nice shot, guys, great missile

launch. here is some masks, game recognized. so with many hospitals strilging and the federal government not doing enough to solve the crisis, everyone is trying their best to help out however they can. tv medical shows are donating all of their supplies, their masks, their gloves, their gowns that they have been using as props. this say real thing that is happening right now. tv shows, tv doctor hospital shows are giving their props. and i'm glad that they are not giving their doctors. those doctors are mad sexy. you thought coronavirus made it hard to breathe before, you can imagine being treepted by macdreamy? doctor. >> are you okay, is something wrong. >> are those the symptoms. >> no, it's your eyes. i can't breathe. >> now because the numbers of people infected keep increasing, governors of nine states have ordered their citizens into

lockdown which means right now a hundred million americans are forced to stay at home, a hundred million people. that's one-third of the u.s. population or one subway car in new york. and because a hundred million people are forced to stay at home, the economy is on the brink of a historic could lambs. over the weekend an official with the federal reserve predicted that the unemployment rate could skyrocket all the way up to 30%. and to give you perspective, that would be worse than any point during the great depression. yeah. so to try and stop this from happening, congress has been working on a massive $2 trillion stim lulls, a $12 trillion stimulus package that would give people munl and keep businesses afloat. but negotiations between republicans and democrats have been contentious and the main sticking point has been the republicans are proposing that a huge chunk of the stimulus money would go into a slush fund

controlled by the trump administration. yeah. so imagine that, trump would have a ton of money that he could control and they wouldn't even have to tell the public who they gave the money to for six months. six months is a lot of time. trump would be in mexico by that time living under an at yas. >> senor trumpo. >> you realize trump would basically be able to choose which billsless he wants to survive and which billsless he wants to end up like his businesses. basically any company that has publicly opposed trump or makes vegetables could get viewed. it's over for them. jolly green giant will be out selling hicks kidney to make ends meet. and while lawmakers are haggling over funding and health professionals trying to keep people alive, many parents are facing a trug el right now. and that struggle is being stuck at home with their kids. so earlier on i gave desi lydic a call to see how she is handling being a stuck at home

mom. desi, hey. >> hi. >> trevor: oh wow, so good to see your face. >> trevor, how are you doing. >> trevor: i mean, i'm, i'm, i'm self-quarantined. i'm doing what everyone else is doing. how are you doing i'm good, i'm great. we're-- we're doing great, you know. just a lot of family bonding time. a lot of time together, which is, you know, we don't get that a lot. so i guess small silver lining in this thing. you know, so, so much time together. it is a lot of just being trapped in a one bedroom apartment with a small child for two weeks. so it's good. but for such a tight space i'm actually finding a lot of new places to cry in so that's good. >> trevor: oh wow. well, i mean look on the bright side. at least you have people there, like i don't have kids. so it is just me alone at home.

like i'm trying to find ways to kill time. like yesterday i put all my, i put all my t-shirts on at the same time, all of them that show lonely i am. you have your family, you can spend time with them. >> trevor, i would love to be that lonely right now. see when you have a kid, you go into it thinking i'm going to spend an hour tops a day, tops. i'm spending 24 hours a day. it's a lot. normally we go to school. he would come back with a cute story. some kid fell down on the play grownld. he laughed. it was hilarious. all of his stories i already know. i'm in all the stories. i'm here to see it all. st the worst. >> wow, okay. i mean i hope he is not hearing you say any of this. >> but like at school and. >> just go back in. >> go back in your room. make mommy a drink. an old-fashioned.

where the-- mutel it, you have to mutel it. use all of that upper body strength. what? >> but like other than making drinks, are you also teaching your kid at home? because i know a lot of moms and families have been saying that homeschooling has been the hardest part of this self-distancing process. are you homeschooling your kids. >> yeah, st going terribly, it is horrible. i'm expected to know all of this stuff that i have forgotten about long ago. like do you even remember learning about the different types of clouds? >> yeah. >> well, he came in and he was like mom, my favorite type of cloud is a comein im-- i don't even know, i don't even know kcumulonimbus. >> yeah, i almost spanked him because i thought he was saying a dirty word. and we are supposed to go over the capital, the states. did you know the capitol of main is augusta. it should be maine stitt, they

should all be. maine city, alabama city, colorado city, capful to the united states should be america city. shupt, siri, shut up, shut up. so many voices, there are just so many, it's incessant. >> okay, but here's the thing. i feel like right now you are feeling it but think on the bright side, like after this is done, you will know all the clouds and learn about-- you will get to learn the things that your son is learning in school stvment a win-win bns but we're not going do that any more. >> what. >> i'm not going to home school any more. none of this stuff is going to come in handy. i will teach him stuff post coron blanca will know what it is like to live post corona how to macgie disz ver a mask out of his ninja tilter underwear that will come in handy, how to search for quarters in the dirt. valuable skills. how to cook a rat with a strm

magnifying glarks he will be glad i taught him that. >> why are you eating rats, it will be a month. >> you don't know, trevor, you don't know. >> trevor: yeah, but i feel like the things, look, i hear you. i think the things you are teaching him are a little extreme. >> he will thank me later. he will thank me later. what? i am coming. i will be right there. i-- i got to go sorry, recess is over. >> trevor: oh, fun what is does he do for recess? >> i don't know-- no, recess is for me, bye. >> trevor: okay, bye. that-- is that vodka? yeah, so that was desi lydic, everybody, who i think is raising mad max. we'll be right back.

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♪ ready ♪ set ♪ jump to the rhythm as hard as you can go ♪ ♪ keep it steady ♪ steady, ♪ to the letter, ♪ right? ♪ turn it up, we giving a show hey hey hey, what'd i miss? ♪ ready, ♪ set ♪ ♪ steady, ♪ bet welcome back to the daily social distancing show. so as we all know donald trump may not be the best at managing a crisis or getting funding to

all the hospitals that need it to buy masks or doing anything presidential but we can't deny, the man is great at words. and don't take my word for it, take his word force it. >> an example of the pair, no regard to the highest level of-- if you take a look at what we did, and this voir. >> truly span tab lack lar. >> you may remember this or you may not because it sort of happened before cor ona went crazy but this say great time to get back into our trump's best words competition. because before we started the social distancing show, "the daily show" had an online bracket where you could choose trump's best words because we have got to find the best word of all time. and so michael kosta and roy wood, jr. have some updates on which words are in the leg. >> what up man. >> how much are you hanging, you

good so far. >> yeah, you know. >> the shirkts the hair, a little thinner, all right. >> i'm naked from the waist down but we're in quarantine. >> more information than i needed to hear. have you voted yet, kosta. >> oh my god, is it collection day? >> i'm talking about trump's best words, "the daily show" bracket game we are playing now, best words trump mispronounced down to the 2-16. >> or as trump would say the. >> the first matchup is the were nashashes wnd and come bact-- badge the. >> don't tack this out of context but i like the na ashi. >> here is another one, c-- c-- -- anomonous. >> trp. >> look, look.

>> definitely not a smooth criminal, i tell that you muchness i actually like krim inical. >> what about this marchup. >> hairflin versus. >> you will see some stat igi, conditions heroin epidemic. >> i like hairlynn it is like he is trying to say heroin but then he thought of a woman named marlin and he tried to bring them together. >> marlin where is my heroin. >> like does he normally buy heroin from marilyn. >> what about this transddz pant versus orange juz. >> i hope they look at the oranges that the-- vetion investigation. >> we receive heart, lung and liver transz pants. >> i'm not wearing transpants right now as i already told you. >> i'm not even in the same building and i just feel the need to social distance just a little more. >> you've got less than two days to vote for trump's bestd,