sandra oh? asian woman. alright, quittin' time. good night! [ cheers and applause ] trevor noah here. back with another episode of "the daily social distancing show." now, before we get into the show, i have been getting a lot of questions from you online asking about things behind me. people asked me why the plant was dying, so i replaced it. now i noticed a lot of people asking what the round things are behind me. first of all, no, it's not a sex thing, so stop saying that. these are actually african heritage domes, which a mother hands down to her son to remind him of the bond they'll always share. we call them impundu zakho. that's what it is. anyway, we're on day 12 of trying to stay home and stop the coronavirus and destroy my social life. if you bake cupcakes and run out of icing, use toothpaste.

it looks exactly the same and your cupcakes are healthy. we'll catch up on businesses booming from the coronavirus, the trials of dr. fauci and president trump itching to leave the house again. welcome to "the daily social distancing show." >> from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is "the daily social distancing show" with trevor noah! ♪ >> trevor: let's kick it off with good news first. as you know, hospitals are running short on essential equipment to treat people with coronavirus, including ventilators, to help people breathe because, remember, it's a respiratory illness. now, great news, major car manufacturers like ford and general motors announced they will be retooling their factories to make ventilators tt them up and running, but, still, i mean, this is great that the car companies are stepping up to help with the ventilator

shortage. and it's going to be great. just means the next fast and furious movie will be a bitle weird -- it's about family and breathing and social distancing! oh, another good piece of news is for all the wild animals out there, because with millions of us humans locked indoors, bears, deer, elephants and other animals are exploring cities around the world without fear. basically, after hundreds of years of animals being in the zoo, now the tables have turned and we're the ones in the zoo. soon you will see elephants outside your window looking in like, oh, wow, honey! come look! come look at this guy and his cute little trunk! oh, he's so adorable! oh, i'll never forget this, oh! so, saturdays the good news. the bad news is that corona is still surging around the world with almost 400,000 confirmed global infections. yeah, and all over the world people are reacting.

in my home country of south africa, the president announced a nationwide 21-day lockdown, but the shutdown only goes into effect on friday, which is really cool -- it's like the coronavirus is getting a bachelor party. all right, boys, i got three days of freedom! let's go to the club and make it count! now, i think this is great for so many reasons. one, it gives people time to stock up without slitting each others' throats over toilette paper. #america, #no names, #you know who i'm talking about. two, it gives everyone a chance to get a haircut so they're not looking like a cave man when they're stuck inside the house! look at me! where are you, bubba? where are you? and most importantly, three days' notice gives you time, crucial time to convert your crush into your quarantine bay. yeah, you don't think about that. america just announces a

shutdown. what about all the single people. at least in south africa they give you time. you have four days. hey, you want to corona and chill for the next 21 days? yeah? yeah? so that's south africa. now, over in britain, after months of hoping the problem would go away, yesterday, prime minister boris johnson announced he was also locking down the entire country for at least three weeks. yes, britains will only be allowed to leave their home for supplies, essential work and one form of daily exercise. and if you're wondering what that means, it is a little strange that they say one form of daily exercise. so it's almost like if you're going for a jog, you can't walk after -- oh, oh, one form, running or walking. but i'm tired! that means you keep running! and if you're wondering what the british do to exercise, they do

traditional british things like cycling, rowing and obviously colonization. in america, the situation is steadily getting worse. new york and california are starting to see their hospitals overwhelmed with corona cases, with california predicting its hospitals will be short about 17,000 beds, and new york is saying it needs to double its hospital beds just to keep up with surging demand. and the news isn't much better for the economy. you see, in the wake of millions of american workers being forced to stay home, people are losing their jobs and companies are being forced to shut down. although -- and this is strange -- there are some businesses who are experiencing a surge, a positive surge because of coronavirus. stores like dollar general, wal-mart, papa john's and amazon are seeing so much demand right now that they're hiring hundreds of thousands of new workers. not to mention -- and this is real -- porn hub is experiencing a spike in traffic.

like, i mean like a super spike. like the corona curve, that's also the porn curve as. we we need to flatten both of those curves. yeah, porn hub blowing up. you know who you are, watching the daily show and then afterwards you go to porn hub. what are you searching there? coronavirus news? i see you. in fact, porn hub is so busy right now, they had to hire a special team of people just to keep their servers running. we actually have video of them right now. >> full ahead full! >> full ahead full! >> trevor: wow! i never realized porn ran on coal! fascinating! you learn something new every day. all right, now the main story in america right now, like most days for the past five years, is donald j. trump. ever since this epidemic began, he's been desperate for it to miraculously disappear.

he said it would vanish magically in april and lately been promoting the drug chloroquine as the magic tour. the drug hasn't been tested and evidence of benefits are anecdotal, but because the president is promoting it every day, there's been a run on it, people are panicking and trying to get the drug because they think it can help. the problem is a lot of people with diseases like lupus and rheumatoid arthritis need the medication and now there's a shortage and they can't get it. you know what we need to do with donald trump, the same way they bleep out curse words and rap videos, they need to bleep trump's misinformation at press briefings. whenever he speaks they should be ready with the sensors. he will be, like, ( as trump ) i want to tell you all about the benefits of word -- ( bleep ) -- word -- ( bleep ) -- and all the great things it can (~bleep ),

(~bleep ). big time and it's great for your skin. thank you. now, as much as you want to blame trump, we also have to ask ourselves how people are getting a prescription drug that they don't need. yes, trump is wrong for recommending this when he's not a doctor, but clearly there are shady-ass real doctors out there who are putting peoples' lives at risk, and they should definitely know better than donald trump. and promoting unproven cures isn't the only sign donald trump desperately wants to wish the coronavirus away because, now, now he actually thinks we've done enough social distancing, and, in his opinion, it's just time for everybody to get back to work. >> america will, again, and soon, be open for business, very soon. a lot sooner than three or four months that somebody was

suggesting, a lot sooner. we cannot let the cure be worse than the problem itself. we're not going to let the cure be worse than the problem. our country is not supposed to be -- you know, it's not built to shut down. our people are full of vim and vigor and energy, they don't want to be locked into a house or an apartment or some space, it's not for our country. you know, you can destroy a country this way by closing it down. >> trevor: now, look, i know many health experts are saying trump is extremely irresponsible right now, but i can see where donald trump is coming from. i can see why he wants social distancing to end. i would also take my chances with coronavirus if the alternative were spending months trapped in the house with eric. ( as eric ) dad, do you have time for me? ( as trump ) coronavirus, it's over, folks, the cure is worse than the problem! but dad, we've got to stay indoors! no, no, we don't.

no, we don't. corona! i'm ready for you! here's the thing -- i know trump wants to reassess things after the 15-day quarantine. that's what he keeps saying. he says we should reassess after the 15-day quarantine over, but what quarantine? two-thirds of the american population hasn't even been quarantined. people around the country have been out at bars, restaurants, the beaches the whole time. so what are we reassessing after 15 days. we're going back to normal after doing a half-ass job? because some of us have been flattening the curve. see this? see this? this is flattening the curve. but you realize the curve can unflatten, too. it's like that and we bring it down, we can do back. it's like eating healthy. after a week you start feeling yourself. you see results. this is great, i can eat ice cream again! then boom! the curve is back! and you know what i think?

i think because coronavirus is invisible, a lot of people aren't taking it seriously enough. like we would treat the threat completely different liif we could see it. imagine if coronavirus was zombies running through the streets right now and people were telling you 80 zombies, eight people in washington state, 400 zombies in italy. i can tell you now we wouldn't be like, all right, guys, time to get back to work. we've got to get back to work asap. we would be obamacare, obviously, let's finish the zombies before we reopen quiznos. how about that, guys? hey, have we gotten the zombie outbreak under control, no, not at all, but it's time to get back to our normal lives. we've got to accept the zombies are part of our lives now, that's how we are. aaahhh! the zombies are eating our brains! look, a lot of us will lose a little bit of our brains to the zombies, okay, steve? stop being so dramatic, everybody's brains eat get the eaten a little bit. this is the price we pay for

freedom. obviously, everyone wants the economy to be back up and running again, right? everyone wants that. businesses are struggling to stay open. people are losing their jobs. but the difficult truth is that -- if america leaves social distancing behind too soon, if any country does it too soon, the experts have warned that many people could die, and most people would want to do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening, but there's an interesting strain of thought going around that maybe a lot of people dying is just the cost of a really great economy. >> overnight, backlash after the lieutenant governor of texas suggested some seniors are willing to die to get the economy moving again. >> tucker, no one reached out to me and said, as a senior citizen, are you willing to take a chance on your survival if exchange for keeping the america that all america loves for your children and grandchildren?

and if that's the exchange, i'm all in. and that doesn't make me noble or brave or anything like that. i just think there are lots of grandparents out there in this country like me. my message is that -- let's get back to work. let's get back to living. if i get sick, i'll go and try to get better, but if i don't, i don't. >> trevor: wow! is this guy being serious right now? he wants grandparents to sacrifice themselves so that the economy can get restarted months earlier? yeah, i'm sure right now there's an old man on his death bed just, like, goodbye, jimmy! no, grandpa! don't go! he's, like, it's okay, buddy, you will always have the dow jones and the s&p 500! ( gasping ) oh, and, jimmy, before i forget -- yes, grandpa? the nasdaq!

look, people, if we go back to doing nothing, i the number of deaths from the coronavirus could be in the millions. the problem with these numbers sometimes is we think of them as numbers. think of everybody in your life. if i said to you you could lose one or two family members, would you be able to choose who, and those of you who could choose, you're assholes, you know what feeling i'm talking about. and don't forget, this is not just a people with coronavirus problem, all right, because if we let this thing get out of control, anyone who needs a hospital would be in trouble. if you get in a car crash, if you have a heart attack, if you ate too much toothpaste from your cupcakes, there may not be space in the hospital for you because the hospital is already dealing with everyone who has coronavirus because, you see, hospitals are not made for a massive influx of patients like this. think of it this way -- you've got all these people who need to go to a hospital at the same time. yes, millions of people go to the hospital every single year,

but we go steadily. if we all go at the same time, it cannot cope, and then more people die because of it. the simplest way to think of it is this -- you know how the internet crashes every time kim kardashian releases a new butt pic? yeah, imagine if she decided to release 10 100 butt pics in one day, the internet would crash so hard we would go back to the stone age and we told each other stories like this, it was like this, and kanya hated she was doing it. so before you take trump's advice to go back to work early, think about kim kardashian's butt. that sounded better in my head. all right, anyway, before we go for a quick break, let's check in on my good friend michael kosta and see how he's handling his self-quarantine. let me see if i can call him in here. ( ringing ) yo, kosta! what's going on, dude?

>> good to see you, man! >> trevor: oh, man! it's been so long. wow! lookt at you. i love -- we're both growing the beard, stuck indoors. >> trevor, this is a beard. you, you got a little hair on your face? you know? >> trevor: anyway, i was just calling to see how you're doing, my friend. i forgot what an asshole you are and actually missed you. what are you doing? >> i'm enjoying self-quawrn teeing. i'm taking it as an opportunity to get to know some of my neighbors. >> trevor: damn, i didn't think you were that kind of guy. are you skyping or doing the italian thing where you talk across the balconies? >> yeah, sort of. i'm just taking a moment -- oh, for instance, this guy bill across the street, i mean, he puts mustard on his french fries. knots not something i would ever think to do but it's actually quite delicious. >> trevor: costta kosta, are you

spying on your neighbors? >> why is this any different than instagram? the guy on floor 6, he showers completely naked. oh, and this woman in 5a, i think she's a murderer. she has, like -- eight, nine -- ten knives. who has that many knives and they're different shapes and sizes? that's psychoto me. >> trevor: kosta, i think you're talking cook knives, man. >> and the guy in 7b seems happier than last year this time. maybe he has a new girlfriend. >> trevor: you have been spying on people for years? >> it's a little hobby. it's something i do. >> trevor: kosta, you've got to respect people's privacy. you can't just do this. >> oh, relax, trevor. most people are very boring. for instance, the guy across the street, all day he sits on his computer and just video chats with people. you know, i know it's quarantine

time, but get a life, bro. and he's wearing a bomber jacket, kind of similar to yours. it's pretty nice. but his apartment is decor, all seems very lame to me. >> wait, he's wearing a -- >> yeah,er he's wearing a blue bomber jacket, actually, simila- >> is he waving his arms right now, kosta? >> how did you know that? and he's got these weird balls behind him -- >> trevor: goddam it, kosta, you're spying on me! what are you doing? >> well, what -- what -- >> trevor: that's me! you're spying on me! can you see me? what are you doing? >> what are those balls? are those like a sex thing or something? >> trevor: no, it's an african thing. put the binoculars down. put the thing down. this is an invasion of -- ( bleep ) anyway, thanks for nothing, michael kosta, don't go away. when "the daily social

distancing show" comes back, we'll be chatting with the hottest deejay in town. don't go away. keep by the zombies ] ♪ it's the time of the season ♪ ♪ when love runs high

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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily social distancing show." earlier on, i got to speak to deejay d-nice, who's been throwing the hottest quarantine party around live on instagram. check it out. all right, we can just jump into it. welcome to the show. >> hi. >> trevor: i feel like we've all been thrust into this new world of living in a different way and then you're the first person who i felt like truly captured bringing joy into the world of social distancing. did you think your stream was going to blow up as much as it did? because you started with 200 people and it jumped to over 100,000 over time? >> i started with 200 and, no, i didn't think it was going to become what it did. it was literally me sitting at home and feeling isolated and missing my friends.

i was used to being around a lot of people and i just felt like i feed to do something. i was going stir crazy in here. so i started my i.g. live. i never used that, and i started it to invite some of my friends and play music from my laptop into the phone and share old school stories about some of the records i produced when i was 18 and 19 years old, and then it kind of took off with the stories. one of my buddies is another deejay called deenl clark kent. he said you should actually start deejaying in your i.g. live, and it turned into, like, this massive party. what actually i thought it was massive, it went from 200 to 10,000 people, and i was just excited about that. and by the time friday arrived, it was, like, 25,000 people and j. lo was in there and oprah popped in, and then michelle obama popped in, and that was, like, i those up for a bit.

even though i deejayed for michelle and the form president, it was surreal. i'm used to being in their world and now they're in my world. they came over to see what i was up to. and just having all of these artists in there was amazing that they were coming to d-nice to see what i was up to. >> trevor: right. >> and the music i chose to play is much different than at a party. at a party, i'm looking at people and trying to cater to them. when you're in that world, there's no audience. so i literally just played from the heart. i played what i felt. >> trevor: do you think the sets you've created now are going to become the sets that you start playing once social distancing is over? do you think this period has helped d-nice create a new idea or do you think this set is specifically designed for what you're doing on instagram? >> no, i think this is going to become the norm because other deejays have called me to say,

other big deejays, to say, dude, you remind me what it felt like to just play music that you love. so i think people will start incorporating that into their sets. i think people were in that chat room, in that i.g. live to hear me play and experience it. and the fact that they were engaged for -- i played nine hours in there. >> trevor: yeah. >> it was a nine-hour set, a straight marathon set, where it was just fun, and it didn't even feel like it. it was mind blowing. so i feel like -- >> trevor:mony, to have a party where you have michelle obama pop in, i don't think -- i think there's a handful of people on the planet who can say i was throwing a party and michelle obama pops in. and now she hasn't just popped in, the two of you are teaming up. you're going to be deejaying another big set coming up. but this time you're teaming up with michelle obama's organization. what is that going to be? >> the whole concept of it, it's

michelle's organization and she's trying to increase voter registration. so they came up with an idea of throwing a couch party where we can galvanize people to register to vote. it's a party with purpose where i'll play great music, we'll make sure to remind people to log on to the site to register the vote, which is important, you know. it's a big election year. so just trying to drive that traffic up. >> trevor: if there's anyone whoic drive the traffic up, it's the hottest deejay in the world. when you type "deejay" into google it auto corrects it to d-nice. you've done a great thing. congratulations for creating something completely new. thank you for making us all dance and bringing a little joy into everybody's lives. i'll see you at the party tomorrow. >> all right, absolutely. have on your dancinges