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tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  March 25, 2020 11:00pm-11:26pm PDT

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bird st?hi yeah, don't touch that, that's boris'. (grandma) it's good luck. and also, what is this? that's my bouncy-bounce. ellen and i use it for exercise. we gotta practice two-sies. what is two-sies? two for one with our next male prostitute. grandma! >> trevor: hey, everybody, trevor noah here with another ep soafd the daily social distancing show. st now day is 13 of being stuck in the house to try and stop the coronavirus. and yes i'm going a little bit crazy but i'm also learning things. fringes, here say tip to help you in quarantine. if you are alone and are you feeling lonely, all you need to do is take some pillows and fill them up about potatoes, wrap them newspaper a blanket, stack them on your couch and now you have a friend. always fighting over the remote. anyway tonight we will catch up on the latest coronavirus news like congress is giving everyone money, the royal family is
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getting personal with coronavirus and donald trump teaches us about manners. so let's get into it. welcome to the daily social distancing show. >> from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is the daily social distancing show with trevor noah. >> trevor: let's kick it off as we always do with some good news of the day. this morning republicans and democrats in the senate reached a deal to pump $2 trillion into the economy to help deal with this pandemic stvment biggest stimulus in the united states history and it basically spreads money everywhere. direct payments to americans. expanded unemployment insurance, aid to small businesses, aid to the airline industry and billions of dollars to help prop up the health-care industry which is vital right now. so all over america people are going to be getting checks from the government. and i know a lot of people out there are des trait-- desperate
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for toy lit paper but please do not use those checks to wipe your ass. you take the check, cash the check and take the cash and go to the toilet and wipe your as, or you use the cash to buy toilet paper. i should have used that first. if you were already doing it, are you too far, i can't help you. but apparently democrats and republicans only managed to reach a deal after they agreed they were going to include an oversite committee to make sure all of this money is being spent appropriately. and there is also a provision that blocks bailouts money from going to business is-- businesses owned by government officials including the president and his family. imagine that, hmmmm in fact, just take a second to appreciate how strange it is that lawmakers felt that they needed to write in that the president cannot use this money for himself and his family. and even republicans are like yeah, yeah, you are right, we should include that. we should include that because don't forget, there is the same guy who took 150,000 from a small business recovery program after 9/11.
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and he didn't need that. so yeah, trump would have looted the shit out of this fund. and even with this restriction, i bet trump will find a loophole to try and get some of this money. he will be like okay, eric, if anyone asks, you are no longer my son. oh, damn, dad s this a plan to get that bailout money. >> no, this is just something i've always wanted. >> in other news the chinese government has announced that there have been so much improvement in wuhan, the place where in epidemic began thrat lockdown will be lifted there in just a couple of weeks. so basically coronavirus is like tiktok, it started in china but it is blowing up in america. and pretty soon the people of wuhan are going to be discriminating against us. they will be holding press conferences like we need to shuted down our borders to prevent the american virus from coming in, the america virus, yeah, you name it after where st, because it not in wuhan,
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america virus, way. but this news out of wuhan gives you hope because it shows that the coronavirus can be beaten, right. all you need to do is wash your hands, social distance and have an all powerful government that can force you to do whatever they want. yeah, because pleen while in america people are like if i want to lich a toilet seat, it's my god given seat to lick a goddam toilet seat. so that is the good news. money coming into america and china seems to have coronavirus under control. now we need a little bit of good news every day because outside of that the coronavirus is showing no signs of slowing down. the number of confirmed cases worldwide has jumped to over 430,000. spain has surpassed china with the most deaths after italy and even the royal family isn't immune. prince charles has now tested positive for coronavirus. yeah, so basically harry and megan left and coronavirus joined. st say pretty bad trade. but don't worry, the prince only
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has mild symptoms and they say he is recovering, he is in self-isolation in his palace. yeah. and i won't lie, the prince being in self-isolation in the palace sounds like the ginning of a strange disney movie. the prince was trapped in his castle, until one day a fair madeen came to rescue him. only your kiss can save me, fair madeen. >> oh, a kiss, you lucky if i wink at you from far, get away from me. meanwhile across the pond america is quickly becoming one of the world's coronavirus hot spots. with over 60,000 people now infected. businesses are continuing to react in different ways to try and work through this. for example airlines are now reassigning passengers so that nobody sits in a middle seat. and this is in an attempt to give everyone more distance from each other. now this is going to be tough for airlines. and i mean st probably going to completely destroy spirit
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airlines because they only have middle seats. spirit airlines, if you are still flying, you deserve us. another company dealing with the coronavirus fallout right now is amazon. due to surging demand, they have been hiring more workers. and to help pay for it, amazon is asking us, the public, to donate. so yeah, the richest company in the world owned by the richest man in the world is asking us for money. which let's be honest is some bullshit. can someone please order bezos a con she is-- conscience w prime it can arrive in two days, in fact screw am glorntion i am only wording stuff from them once a day, maybe twice a day but that's it. z but the big story today, the story that has got everybody talking is that while more and more countries around the world are shutting down to strop coronavirus from spreading donald jamison trump is
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preparing for a grand opening. >> president trump now says he wants to reopen the country for business by easter. even if health officials warn the coronavirus pandemic will continue to worsen in the u.s >> i would love to have it open by easter, okay. i would love. >> oh wow, okay. >> i will tell you that right now. >> easter is a special day for me. and i say wouldn't it be great to have all of the churches full. you know, the churches aren't allowed essentially to have much of a congregation there. so i think easter sunday and will you have packed churches all over our country. i think it would be a beautiful time. >> trevor: yes, president trump says he wants to reopen america on easter. which makes sense. i mean easter is about resurrection, after all. happy easter, everyone. he is risen, he meaning coronavirus. and i love that trump says easter is a very special day for him.
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because i'm willing to bet all five rollings of my toilet paper that he doesn't even know what easter is about. he ask acting like it is special. i bet if you ask him he would be like easter say very special time for me. it's the day a giant rabbit saved jesus from dying on the egg. so special, friends. now you don't have to be a genius to see why the president's plan is alarming a lot of people right now. it's not just because it seesms way too early but st also because he is saying he wants everyone to congregate together in churches around the country. which is the worst idea possible, in a pandemic. this is basically ever sphp superwet dream where everyone gathers together and everyone gets inteched with a deadly toxin, trump is like the joker but with more makeup. this st so intense that everyone from democratic governors to conservative politicians to the entire field of medical experts
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agrees that unless the virus is contained, people have no business gathering in large groups. and you know, it is so surreal. that wendted up in a situation where the one person who doesn't understand how complex and dangerous this is happens to be the most powerful man in the world. it feels like if there was an asteroid hurtling towards the earth everyone would be trying to blow it up off course and trump would be like i think we should give the asteroid a chance, folks. maybe st friendly. look, it even has my hair. because what trump's sudden impulse to get back to normal, is that right now the situation is is far from under control. especially here in new york. which right now has over half the country's confirmed coronavirus cases. it has gotten so bad in new york that the white house's coronavirus task force is advising that even people who left new york already should
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self-quarantine for 14 days regardless of where they are in the country or in the world. and that is going to be hard for anyone who has to look after a new yorker who is like vitsing them. it is going to be people complain being their quarantine friends. like he won't eat, he says the pastrami is too dry and the bagels aren't boiled. i tried ordering pizza and he kussed at me for ten minutes. with coronavirus cases not expected to peek until two or three weeks from now, the system is already in desperate need for more hospital beds, more medical supplies, more venter laters. with literally to keep people breathing when they can't do it on their own. and governor cuomo definitely doesn't feel like trump and the federal government are doing nufer to help. >> new york governor blation the federal government saying it needs to provide more medical equipment like ventilators. >> you want a pat on the back for sending 400 vented later? what are we going to do with 400
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ventilators when we need 30,000 ventilators? you are missing the magnitude of the problem and the problem is de fined by the magnitude tvment. >> trevor: yeah, man, mi not going to lie, i can see why cuomo is pissed at trump. if you need 30,000 ventilators it sin sulting for someone to give you 400. it's like seeing someone drowning in the ocean and instead of throwing them a life preserver you toss them a rubber duck. yeah, at least are you entertained. quack quack. and apparently part of the reason new york isn't getting nufer federal help is because trump feels that governor cuomo is just too mean to him. this san actual thing. today the daily beast quote a white house official say ising if you are good and respectful to trump, he will treat you the same. it is that simple trmplet and yesterday in an interview trump said pretty of the same thing right out in the open. >> and we are doing very well
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with, i think, almost all of the governors. for the most part. but it is say two-way street. they have to treat us well also, they can't say oh gee, we should get this, we should get that. >> trevor: yes, you treat trump well and he will treat you well. or as he would call it, a quid procorona. so as mind boggling as it seems, as new york is in a natural crisis, with thousands of livers at stake and people actually dying, donald trump is asking people to be polite to him in exchange for his help. and so i guess to all new yorkers, i say give the president what he wants. tell him please mr. president, do your mother [bleep] job. anyway, while we have been going through this coronavirus crisis in america, the daily show's ronnie chieng has been stuck in australia. >> there he is, ronnie chieng. >> hey, what's up, trevor. >> trevor: oh man, so good to
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see you, dude, what is going on? >> i'm okay. i was actually visiting australia when all of this went down. i was going to pept a koala bear and all this stuff started happening so i am stuck in a hotel room and i spent $2,000 on mini bar items. >> damn, you have to be careful, there are a lot of coronavirus cases down there. >> yeah, st increasing like everywhere. but don't worry i have been tested. >> trevor: are you being tested, you have been tested, tested. >> yeah, i got tested for the corona, yeah, yaivment. >> trevor: i can't tell if you are being serious. did you really get tested. >> yeah, i got tested. >> trevor: oh, okay, like just because-- like because you are on tv or they are just testing people. >> i think they are just, i matched the symptoms because i had akoff and i just came in from america and they give me everything, they tested me, gave me a pap smer, a pregnancy test,
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i had the whole, everything. i did every exam i could. >> trevor: wow, okay. that sounds unnecessary. i don't know why you did the pregnancy test. >> but you will be glad to know that i am not pregnant, by the way. >> trevor: well, i mean that's obvious. >> i'm also not whatever the pap smear, i am not that either. >> trevor: i don't think it is sting for a thirng to be. i think. >> well look. >> trevor: anyway. >> my point is i'm perfectly healthy. >> trevor: yeah. and the point is, it seems like it is really easy to get tested in australia, much easier than in america, like st impossible to get a test out here. >> yeah, i'm hearing stories. again i haven't been in america for like four weeks now. but if it makes you feel any better the coronavirus test doesn't feel great. they stick that swap way up your nose, it touches the back of your nasal passage it sliek an annal probe on your nose man, it's not good. >> trevor: so is they stick the thing up your nose. >> they stick it up and then they twist it like that.
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>> trevor: like they are digging your nose for you. >> yeah, but not-- it feels like-- it feels like someone is trying to scratch your brain. >> trevor: damn, that sucks. i'm sorry that you had to get the test. i'm also sorry that thought you are stuck in a hotel social distancing. >> no, no, i'm fine. i love social distancing. this is my jam. i love this stuvment i get to watch tv all day, eat whatever i want, wake up when i want. i don't even have to wear pants. i'm not wearing pants right now. >> trevor: but what about all the people who love you. we you don't get to see them. >> those people are the worst, people who love you are the worst, hugging and kition and rubbing. every form of affection is corona bomb, no offense. >> trevor: wow, okay. so if it was up to me you would be on video calls and stuff, that would be your life. >> absolutely. when this is over i hope this is the only way we interact. i don't have to smell your breathe. i don't have to like be in contact with your bodily fluids and if i get bored i can pretend
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i'm having problems with the wi-fi. >> trevor: wow, that is one way to look at it. but then like what about like work and hanging out with your friends. you always said you loved having lunch with me every day. >> sorry, trevor, i'm soree, its wi-fi in australia is acting really, really bad, so i can't hear you any more. i will just talk to you later, man, see you later. >> trevor: oh, okay, bye. oh man. i hope ronnie fixes his wi-fi soon. anyway, we'll be right back after this with former surgeon general vivek murthy, so don't go away.
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seen lately the president of the united states is not a trusted source of coronavirus information. so i thought we would talk with someone who is an actual expert, former surgeon general vivek murthy. all right, so first things first, welcome to the show, doctor, thank you for being here. >> great to be with you, trevor. >> trevor: thank you for being there and thank you for talking to me here, i should say.
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i feel like we have to change our language for the world we live in now. you are one of the few people who have a unique incite into what is happening now. as somebody who served as the u.s. surgeon general, you had a specific very-- very specific job and that is essentially keeping the nation healthy. and you commented on how unfair it is to send doctors in to fight the coronavirus when the government is not giving them the equipment they need to protect themselves. what do you think people are missing about this fight doctors are having with in vy russ. >> trevor, this feels very personal to me. it is is my friends, my family members and colleagues on the front lines now, of the war that we are waging with this new virus and a very dangerous virus. and we're asking them in many cases to go into battle without the armour. there are doctors who are having to reuse masks because their hospitals are running out even though they know that puts them at greater risk, they are rung out of gowns and glovers, hospitals that are running out
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of ventilators and trying to figure out how to use one vented later and share them between toof patients at the same time. so it is not wrong to ask doctors and nurses to work hard. it is not wrong to ask them to sacrifice to take care of their patients. but i believe it is wrong to send them in without the protection they deserve. so that is why as a country we need to pull out the stops of rumping up production for all materials they need. it is not enough to say we will do it when we need it. it is not enough to say it is up to somebody else to solve that problem. at every level of government we need to be making this the top priority because doctors, nurses and health care workers are putting their lives on the line for us, and st high time we had their back. >> trevor: a growing consensus that is starting to emerge both online and unfortunately in the white house is this idea that the cure which is social distancing, et cetera, some people are calling it is going to be worse than what is being caused by people being
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unemployed, et cetera. what do you think people are missing when they say is we are just going to have to live with this, allow people to get sick and accept that some people are going to die. >> i think it is important to consider the pros and cons of every approach. let's be honest, there is no perfect approach here. but i think it is a false choice to say that we have to choose between people's lives and the economy. because the real way we should be addressing this virus is to recognize that the way we save the economy is actually by defeating the virus. unless we take these steps and make sure that these are in place, we really should not be thinking about pulling back. that say recipe for making the situation, both the health and economic situation much, much worse. >> before i let you go, you have a book that is coming out, that speaks to a situation that we all find ourselve ntion right now and that is we are isolated from people that we know and love. many people are forced to stay at home either by themselves or not with the community they are
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used to. you are writing a book about how society is struggling with a new disease and that is essentially loneliness. what are some of the thicks people can do to try and maintain their mental health as well as their physical health? >> so is glad you asked, trevor. because it's important not just forly lienness but also because we know chronic loneliness is bad for our health, it increases our risk for heart disease, it shortens our-- associated with a shorter life span but there are things we can do to ensure we strengthen socialonnection. and part of this is we can potentially come out stronger if we do a few things. number one i think it is important that we spend at least 15 minutes a day, if not more, it engaged with the people that we love weather that means video conferencing with them, writing to them, calling them on the phone so we can hear their voissments the second is it is really important that we make that time count. and that means improving the quality of their time with
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others by de creasing the distractions that we experience during our interactions, so instead of talking to somebody on the phone while you are also scrolling through your social media feed and recognize your in-box and watching the news on tv, try talk to them with your full attention. one of the greatest gifts we can give people is the gift of our full attention. and finally st important also to recognize that one the back doors out of loneliness, if you l one of the great hidden solutions to loneliness is service mples. by helping others we actually take the focus off ourselves and place it on someone else. st how we rebuild a connection to someone or establish a new one and also how we remind ourselves that we have value to give to those worlds. because one of the great prices that we pay when we are lonely is over time we start to buy into the idea that maybe we're lonely because we're not likable. maybe in some way it is our
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fault. maybe this is evidence of some personality flaw. none of that is true. but when we serve other people we are reminded of how good it feels to connect and that we have something-of-great value to bring to them. >> trevor: doctor, thank you so much for your time, thank you for the word, hopefully people will listen and we will be seeing you on the other side. have a good one. >> thaks so much, trevor, take care, stay safe. >> trevor: all right, that is it for today's ep soafd the daily social distancing show. thanks so much for tuning in but as always before we go we want to ask you to please donate to no kid hungary.org to help kids get a good meal while nair schools are shut down. and to helping new york city specifically, please go to city harvest.org and give whatever you can. stay safe out there. wash your hands, don't touch anything and i will see you tomorrow. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> i would love to aim it right at easter sunday. so we are open for church service and services generally
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on easter sunday. that would be a beautiful thing. thank you very much. oops. that's good ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ ♪ headed on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ (♪ mumbling) ♪ so come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - dude, what's your little brother doing here? - ike is starting his first day of kindergarten. - but isn't he only three years old? - yeah, but he's some kind of genius so he's getting advanced placement in kindergarten. - i pooped my pants. - but dude, check out my new trapper keeper. it has five different compartments for each subject in school and it's all covered with pictures from "dawson's creek".

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