tv The Daily Show With Trevor Noah Comedy Central March 30, 2020 11:00pm-11:30pm PDT
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et? i mean, who-- who are you helping? oh, hey, what is this? (pam) hilary swank. oh, she's hot. yeah! damn it. trevor noah here with another episode of "the daily distancing show." thank you so much for tuning in. it is now week three of being stuck in the house, as you can tell, and i hope you are having a good weekend. i hope you had a good weekend. although, let's be honest -- these days, weekends, weekdays, pretty much the same thing. like if you're stuck in the house every single day, and i don't know even know what the difference is. i guess, during the week, you sit in one part of the chair, and then on the weekend, you just move to a different spot. let's get this work done. oh! finally! the week is over. it's the weekend, baby!
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anyway, tonight, we're going to catch up on all the latest coronavirus news. boris johnson tests positive. jaboukie young-white searches for a vaccine. and a new korea plan for the "tiger king." welcome to "the daily distancing show." let's do this. >> from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is "the daily distancing show" with trevor noah! >> trevor: all right. let's kick things off with the latest global update. there are now over 700,000 confirmed coronavirus infections around the world, with the united states now reporting the highest number of cases, while italy and spain are reporting the highest fatalities per day. and as the threat has grown, more and more countries are starting to take this thing more seriously. for instance, the largest city in africa, lagos, in nigeria is
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locked down, and in russia they've put moscow in lockdown as well. when russians are scared of something, then you know it's serious. russian people's daily lives look like an episode of "fear factor" what will i do today, drink fermented bread juice or wrestle bear? either way, it's going to be a good saturday. so this is a scary time to be in russia, second only to all the times to be in russia. in great britain, prime minister and ghost who has just seen a ghost boris johnson has announced he has tested positive for covid 19, which is ironic. you know why? because, earlier this month, boris johnson suggested that britain should just let the virus run its course throughout the country and, on top of that, he also joked about he has been shaking hands all willy-nilly. yeah, so i guess now shit got
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real and he better pray he can get corona to brexit out of his body. coronavirus can also infect shreks. but enough about virus. let's move to the big story, the only story everybody's talking about right now -- "tiger king." a new netflix series that is somehow even more viral than covid 19. and if you haven't watched this show, i'm telling you now, you are wasting your life. seriously, as soon as you're done with this and done with "the daily show," watch "tiger king." you will thank me tomorrow. it's fascinating. it exposes the horrible world of exotic animal breeding in america, specifically tigers and lions, and answers the question what would happen p meth smoked itself. after binging all seven episodes this weekend, i realized, one, this is what happen when white people have no black friends and, two, joe exotic is not only one of the weirdest people you
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will ever meet in your life, he could also be president of the united states. i know, i know, i know, i know -- i can hear you -- how can you say president? ah, ah, ah -- but hear me out. this man has all the character administrators of a commander-in-chief. one thing you notice about joe exotic is he makes everything about him. it's all about me! which, apparently, is very presidential. >> in his news conference yesterday, the president discussed a story in the "new york times" that says his coronavirus task force briefings get high tv ratings. >> even they said that the ratings are like monday night football ratings and that these are like bachelor finale. >> now that the relief package is past, the "wall street journal" is reporting this, quote, mr. trump, has told people he wants his signature to appear on the direct payment
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checks that go out to many americans in the coming weeks. >> president trump is firing back at governors who have been critical of the administration's response to the pandemic, even telling the vice president if they aren't appreciative, don't worth reaching out. >> i want them to be appreciative. i said, mike, don't call the governor of washington, you're wasting your time with him. don't call the woman in michigan. doesn't make any difference what happens, if they don't treat you right, i don't call. >> trevor: wow, okay. firstly, the ratings aren't high because of trump. people are watching tv because of the virus. that's why they're watching the briefings. this will be like the guy on "friends" who owns the coffee shop taking credit for the success of the show. it's all because of my lattes, you know. that's why people watched. no, you just happened to be there, dude. secondly, trump wasn't involved in the negotiation for the relief package and he wants the credit. classic deadbeat dad move,
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trying to put his name on a gift at the last minute. i can't believe trump is actually threatening not to help governors of certain states because he feels they're not being nice to him. let me tell you something, a crisis is not a time for manners, all right? people need to get life-saving equipment. can you imagine a doctor in an emergency room being, like, i'm sorry, ma'am, your husband didn't make it. i mean, i could have saved him but he, uh, just didn't say the magic word. he was in a coma! yeah, manners are manners, ma'am. so being obsessed with yourself, very presidential, but also, if you watched "tiger king," you would know that joe exotic is the most disorganized person you will ever meet, and when it comes to coronavirus, trump is exactly the same. >> on sunday, president trump again resisted invoking the defense production act or authority to mobilize
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industries. >> call a person in venezuela, ask them how did nationalization of their businesses work out? not too well. >> after days of uncertainty the president invoked the defense production act. >> president trump says he's considering federally enforced quarantines for hot spots like new york and other states. >> president trump tweet ago federal quarantine will not be necessary. >> president trump wants to reopen by easter sunday. >> calling for mo social distancing than ever. >> family backing away from his earlier suggestion parts of the country could reopen by easter. >> trevor: trump is flip-flopping so much if the olympics weren't canceled he would be competing against simone biles. trump supporters, i feel sad for them. manage now hard it is to keep up. he's changing his mind, they have to support him no matter what.
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he's out there, like, if you force companies to make things you're turning america into venezuela. it's good to be venezuela because they have great weather. i think? joe exotic has what it takes to be president of the united states for this reason -- he sees conspiracies everywhere. >> with medical equipment becoming scarce at many hospitals, president trump is now accusing hospitals of hoarding ventilators. >> and i don't believe you need 40,000 or 30,000 ventilators. you know, you go into major hospitals, sometimes they'll have two ventilators, and now, all of a sudden, they're saying can we order 30,000 ventilators. >> trevor: yeah... trump has a good point. all of a sudden, all of a sudden, hospitals need way more ventilators than usual. what's that about? huh? it's the same way i've noticed that sometimes feeble on the street have a lot of umbrellas, and then sometimes nobody has an
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umbrella. something isn't adding up here. anyway, joe exotic, why is he the man for the job? he's self-absorbed, disorganized, obsessed with conspiracies, but maybe the most presidential thing about joe exotic is that he loves portraying himself as an expert in his field, when the truth is he has no idea what he's talking about. he's just winging it, which, again, should feel very familiar. >> the young people are really -- this is an incredible phenomena, but they are attackey attacked to a much lesser extent by this pandemic, by this disease, this whatever they want to call it. you can call it a germ, you can call it a flu, you can call it a virus, you know, you can call it many different names, i'm not even sure anybody knows what it is. >> trevor: i'm sorry, what? what the hell was that? you could call ate germ, you can call -- it sounded like trump
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was introducing somebody who won a lifetime cheeflt award -- some call him a germ, some call him a virus, i just call him my good friend. ladies and gentlemen, corona. come on up, corona. what a great guy. look, there are a lot of questions about coronavirus, all right, how to stop it, how it spreads, et cetera, but one thing not up for debate is what it is, it's a virus. okay? i don't know why trump is creating a mystery where there is none. like, he might be a bad president, but turns out he would be an even worse detective. it would be, like, damn it! you caught me red handed, i've killed this man! so the question now is, who killed this man? well, it was me, i confessed, i killed him. i guess this mystery will never be solved. so, look, i know joe exotic is in prison right now, but if he somehow manages to get out, i'm hoping that he becomes the president of the united states.
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because, yes, yes, he might be just as crazy as trump, but at least if he's in the white house, we're going to see tigers. right now, around the world, the race is on to find a cure for the coronavirus. and our very own jaboukie young-white is on the case. >> times right now are terrifying. that's why i spoke to my cousin, who spock to his mom who spoke to her sister who's actually my mom about a doctor whose's an expert in corona and vas a vaccine. more importantly, he looks the part -- bow tie, glasses, he owns books. if this were signed tinder, i would be swiping right. okay, pete the duck. >> peter or dr. hotez. >> so dr. bow tie, how long have you been working on the vaccine for the coronavirus? >> actually for the last decade we've had a coronavirus program and up until -- >> wait, we've known about this shit for ten years? oh, my god!
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i almost fainted. oh, my god! dr. pete. >> actually, much longer than that. the first terrible pandemic or massive epidemic of the coronavirus started in 2003. >> you knew about this shit when i was nine? >> yeah, and up until a few months ago, nobody cared about our coronavirus vaccine program and now we're working furiously to get this vaccine and hope we can make a difference in this epidemic. >> they were close to a kiir in 2018 but then denied funding. >> the bottom line is had we had those investments early on to carry this true clinical trials years ago, we could have had a vaccine ready to go. >> i'm more concerned about the tell the of my new best friend and mankind's hope. >> dr. pete, what are you doing to protect yourself from the virus since as an older person you're way more affected than a
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young person like me. >> there's a false narrative that this is a disease for older people, but the numbers coming out of the centers for disease control show a quarter of those hospitalized are between 20 and 406789 hello? you still there? you look a bit frozen. >> okay. i'm sorry. you said over 20? you said people over 20? >> well, i said people between the ages of 20 and 40. 20 and 44. >> okay. >> so the bottom line is, you know, this business that you only social distance to protect your grandparents doesn't fly. you're social distancing to protect yourself and your friends. >> oh, you guys, this was my weekend. >> oh, my god dr., please! i went to the apple store last week and touched every single ipad they had on display. oh, my god!
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i went to brooklyn cough partie- >> doesn't sound good. >> -- you go and cough into each other's mouth and it's a spiritual thing and sometimes it's marijuana and sometimes it's not. >> don't do that again. >> oh, my god! oh! i'm supposed to be indestructible! so where is this vaccine? >> well, right now, the vaccine is in our lab, and we're trying to work with the u.s. food and drug administration and see if we can start some clinical trial. >> whoo! ha ha ha! we got it, baby! so what's this, this is going to drop, like, friday, sunday? what are we doing? come on! we got the cure! >> here's some bad news. >> what. >> it's going to take time to test because you have to go through a long period of testing to make sure not only does it work but that it's also safe. >> so how long will that take? >> well, the models say we really need to have something by
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18 months. >> 18 months? >> we have the vaccine manufactured, we have to bottle it, now start the long process of clinical trials. >> okay, we don't have time for these trials, dr. peter. they have postponed the second season of "if you forria," and i only have five rolls of toilet paper left. no, i'm not going to waste my youth waiting. there has got to be a d.y.i. vaccine to create using household items. i have crystals. >> those definitely work. >> all right! >> i was joking about the crystals. they won't work either. >> so, can you tell me literally one good piece of news? >> i'm happy to, and the answer is this will pass. the key right now is you can go outside, you can go for a run, even see friends, but keep that distance a bit.
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and you will be okay -- >> hey, i heard there's a doc who has a vaccine. >> what? how did you -- >> i need to get my hands on that vaccine. >> how did you get in here. >> shouldn't costta get sister dibs? ( talking at the same time ) >> everyone, get off. this is my interview. go. leave. >> whatever. >> i will give you -- ( talking at the same time ) >> okay, guys, i have to run. >> trevor: thank you so much, jaboukie, when we come back, we'll be talking to the governor of california about what he's doing to help fight coronavirus. gavin newsom is o "the daily distancing show" right (vo) at sprint, our priority is keeping our customers, employees, and communities safe. during these uncertain times we want you to get the
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by the coronavirus pandemic than california. earlier, i had a chat with california governor gavin newsom about what he's doing to try and stop the spread of the coronavirus, and what it's like dealing with president trump. take a look. governor newsom, welcome to "the daily distancing show." california has quickly become one of the biggest stories in and around the coronavirus outbreak specifically because of how the numbers have grown but also because of what the state has been doing to combat coronavirus. talk us through the initiative that just kicked off today. what is happening with regards to expanding healthcare and beds for people who need it? >> we have to increase our healthcare capacity within our hospital system by two-thirds and, in order to do that you need the physical space, you need all the protective gear -- the n95 masks, the ventilators -- but you need people, at the end of the day, and the most precious resource are people and, as a consequence, there's no way we can meet the moment unless people that are recently retired
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or people that are in the middle of credentialing and licensing start to enter into the workforce. so we just did a big push today to create a health corps and create incentives and create the kind of flexibility so we can get thousands and thousands of flee bot mists and farm systems and paramedics and e.m.t.s, nurses and doctors into the workforce in the next few weeks. >> trevor: that's what you're doing with regards to fighting coronavirus on the ground, but, as you said, you need the equipment the people are going to use. one to have the most confusing conversations happening right now in america is the battle between governors/states and the president/the federal government. in your opinion, where is the federal government falling short and where do you think states need to step up and do more to fight this pandemic? >> we have not received any ventilators in a state of 40 million to meet our needs. there were 170 ventilators that went directly to l.a. county.
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just a couple of days ago, they opened the boxes and found out none of them worked. so rather than complaining about it, we decided to ship them from l.a. i brought them into silicon valley and, literally, within 72 hours, all of them were fixed and have been sent back down to los angeles. it's a way of making this point and answering your question. we're not waiting around for the federal government, we need more support, but, at the end of the day, with we have to be resourceful in our mindset and our approach and use all the tools in our toolkit. all oft that being said, i want to thank the president in this respect, we've got that u.s.n.s. mercy, the large hospital ship, 1,000 bed capacity into l.a. a couple of days ago, and that's the kind of thing we do count on the federal government for. beyond that, we're going to be as resourceful as we can be. >> trevor: one of the things you were given credit for is being one of the governors who acted earliest with regards to the coronavirus.
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you know, you told people over 65 to stay at home. you then implemented a lockdown before many other states did. you still come out and said you were worried that up to 25 million californians/americans could get the coronavirus. how do you think you are looking right now? do those numbers still look at dire, or do you think you've done enough to stave off the pandemic from growing? >> well, good enough never is. you don't run the 90-yard dash on this, and i think the biggest mistake we can make is having done all of this good work, the stay-at-home orders, having people practice safe physical distancing -- i prefer fiscal distancing to social distancing because a lot of young folks are confused by social distancing when they're all socially connect bud we need them physically apart. the fact we're practicing that at scale, we think, as bought us time, but we're not out of this by any stretch of the imagination. let me be specific, in just the last four days, we have tripled
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the number of people in our i.c.u.s, we've doubled in the last four days the number of people in our hospital system, but we do believe that early call on stay-at-home and physical distancing bought us a few days, maybe a week or two, that allowed us to start getting our resources in place to meet the moment. >> trevor: finally, i know you have to get back to work, one of the biggest issues we're seeing around the country and the world is the issue of people who are in prison and how states and countries deal with that because of the spread of coronavirus right now, being in a close space is one of the worst things you can do, prison is exactly that. are you looking at releasing numbers of prisoners and how do you balance that because, obviously, some people in the populous would say, well, do prisoners get to come out because of coronavirus and how do we balance safety versus the risk and the safety of human beings who are locked up? >> this is a moment where we need to be sensitive, for those who are locked up particularly
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in a system like california that went on the incarceration binge in 1990 with three strikes and mandatory minimums, we grew the prison population as we were cutting our support for the higher education system. so we have been trying to go more and more to move in a different direction, but now we have 18 staff, as i talked to you, we have 18 staff now have been tested positive for covid 19. we have a number of prisoners, four as i speak to you, that have been tested positive. so we're practicing social distancing, physical distancing, in the prisons by reducing visitation, eliminating it, by getting people to eat their meals in their cells, by doing more to isolate our prisoners but, in addition -- and this goes to your question -- we are looking people that are coming up close to their parole date that have parole plans, and make sure we match them with probation and then get them paroled earlier.
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we're doing a very thoughtful and judicious way based on public safety, not saying, people randomly, we're going to send you home, but people already in the queue, to fast track that to decompress the system by thousands and thousands of others. finally, we're reducing the intake into the system for people coming into the prisons, we are capping that which puts similar protocols at the county level for the jails to start moving out their lowest offender population, people who are nonviolent, nonserious, nonsex offenders. so we're doing it as thoughtfully as we can but it's important for the rest of the country to protect the folks, the staff, inmates, within the system. >> trevor: before we go, is there anything people can help officials with? what can we be doing to help in this situation? >> there's nothing more potent and powerful than the tool at
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hand for every single person watching and that's practicing physical distancing. not going to the beach or playgrounds or parks when tons of people are out there. not going on a jog when the paths are full. if we do that, there's nothing more significant to bend the curve and that the heroic. everybody has the capacity. it's decisions not conditions that are going to determine the fate of this virus. so when you're reading all of these programs and are watching programs that say here's what's going to happen, that's nonsense. nothing is pre-determined. we have the capacity to bend the curve by making better decisions and, so, please, practice physical distancing and don't buy for a second that we can cut the parachute before we've landed. >> trevor: governor newsom, thank you so much for your time. good luck out there. >> great to be with you. >> trevor: thank you so much, governor newsom. that's our show for today. before we go, has everyone -- as everyone except the president knows by now, doctors, inuring's
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and first responders around the country are struggling to get the masks, gloves and gowns that they so desperately need to protect themselves. these are people on the frontline, they're fighting in this war and going to battle for us unprotected. so we're asking you on the "the daily show" to please go to thrive global's first responders first and donate whatever you can to help get p.p.e. to people who are saving lives. if you want to help in new york city, go to new york mayor's fund covid 19 response and help them out. stay safe out there, wash your hands, don't take candy from strangers or family, and i'll see you again tomorrow. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> president trump, is he there? yes? no? live television. >> can you hear me, governor? can you hear me, governor, or
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no? >> as far as paying your mortgage, because, of course -- >> puppy, puppy! >> governor, can you hear me now? >> you know, since the president signed -- ( tone ) >> all right -- >> technology kills viruses -- and just what, what did you do, mom? dad! holy crap! >> hi. >> good morning. can i help you? >> yes, i'm from techstar about a new phone system for you. i was wondering if i could talk to michael scott. >> i'm sorry. he's not in right now. >> really? he's never around when i come by. >> shoot. they have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting. basically, 95% of my job. but i'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone.
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vending machine. >> how about i make an appointment to come back? that way i know he'll be here. >> that is a great idea. >> great. >> um... oh, boy. let's see, he's really... >> michael scott, manager. hi, how are you? >> oh, hi. >> there he is. >> nice to meet you. >> great. >> yeah. >> hey, look at that. >> whoo! i can assure you we don't need a new system, though. happy with ours. >> hello, may i help you? >> jimbo. >> jim? >> hey! >> hey! >> hey! >> hey! >> hey! all: hey! >> okay. i'm, uh, i'm gonna be going. >> hey! all: hey! >> [laughing] what was that?
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