[ audience cries out ] the surgery was a success. back or front? i'll take your answers off the air. goodnight. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> trevor: hey, everybody! trevor noah here. welcome to another episode of "the daily distancing show." it is now day 16 of staying at home to prevent the spread of coronavirus, and here's your quarantine tip of the day -- if you're at home and you're bored, trying to sterilize everything, i have a tip for you. if you hold your cleaning product like a gun, you will feel like you're goingster whipping every germ' eases. papadopoulos pop! break yourselves, corona fools. we'll coachen on the coronavirus in. new york is putting hospitals everywhere, president trump lose as trivia contest and we try to figure out what day it is. welcome to "the daily distancing show."

>> from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is "the daily distancing show" with trevor noah! >> trevor: let's kick it off with good news. according to thermometers, social distancing might be working. the company kinser health which makes smart thermometers that uploads temperatures to the internet report that fevers across the united states are dropping dramatically. these are thermometers accurately predicted the rise in coronavirus hospitalizations so if they're showing dropping fevers, that's a promising sign. people that stay at home, that stay inside and keep flattening the curve so that is some day we can go back to our normal lives. don't you want to go outside again? be out there, you know, cutting each other off in traffic, complaining about your allergies, getting invited to your friends improv show --

maybe quarantine isn't that bad. maybe we should stay here longer. positive signs coming out of the epicenter of the pandemic, new york. it's gone from the city that never sleeps to the city that lays awake every night filled with existential dread. good news, faced with the protect of overrun hospitals, the city is adapting. the javits convention center is converted into a hospital with 1,000 beds. there's an emergency field hospital being constructed in central park. entire hotels will soon be rented out and converted into hospitals, and 5,000 new i.c.u. beds were recently installed inside one of mayor de blasio's shoes. basically any giant spaces are filled with beds, even if they kind of smell. also, the navy sent over the u.s. hospital ship "comfort" great name which docked here in new york yesterday.

it has 1,000 hospital beds onsite which new yorkers are so excited about, so excited that yesterday a crowd gathered to welcome the boat to the city, which is obviously extremely counterproductive in social distancing land, but it also shows you how much new york has changed. yeah, because normally we hate it when people show up to the city. like a month ago, new yorkers would have gathered to throw rats at that boat. your mother says hello! and beds aren't the only reinforcements new york is getting now. over 76,000 doctors and nurses, many of them who already retired, have volunteered to step up and help out during this crisis, which is pretty amazing. and a few days ago, a flight full of healthcare workers from georgia flew to new york to help lend a hand. and i'm really grateful to them. and i also just hope they didn't land at la guardia, because they'd walk around the terminal, like, we're too late, the city is already destroyed. we would be, like, no, this is what it normally looks like.

i'm grateful to the doctors from georgia, not only because their help is needed but also because doctors from atlanta will probably be the most entertaining doctors you've had. they will be mumble rapping their diagnosis. ( rapping ) new york will not forget what georgia has done for us. when this is over, new york is going to send some of its subway martmastermasturbators to your o show you what it's like. last night, the building lit up like a siren to honor the medical workers serving on the front line of the epidemic. this might be a good idea when they first pitched it, but as someone who lives in new york, the empire state building, the giant light flashing around, and can you imagine if someone was high in their living room, they must have freaked out.

shit, dude! i think we're getting pulled over by that building! but, look, just because there are some signs for optimism subject mean we should be complacent. coronavirus is still growing around the globe. worldwide, there are now 800,000 cases in at least 171 countries. you know, with the spread of coronavirus, we are learning so many things. we're learning how fragile our medical systems are, we're learning that we need a stronger safety net in society. we're learning we need to pay teachers more. we're learning that thinking about exercise isn't the same as actually doing it. we're also learning which leaders around the world deserve the title of leader. for instance, in hungary, president viktor orban convinced his parliament to let him rule by decree until the pandemic is over, which essentially makes him a dictator for as long as he wants. although i won't lie, being a

dictator during coronavirus is a little less fan. he's going to be, like, i sentence you to torture! which you need to administer to yourself because it is not safe for other people to touch you, so can you torture yourself over zoom and you can send me the video? no, i don't have zoom. ah, then i guess there will be no torture. ah, i wish i had zoom. and over in belarus, another leader is president luke schenko, he's probably one of the worst because he's refusing to cancel public sporting events and instead has been recommending belarusians avoid getting the virus by just going to the sauna and taking a couple of shots of vodka two to three times a week. that's a real thing a president said. yeah. and you know your medical advice is bad when it makes goop look reasonable. because i mean goop may tell you to put an egg in your vagina, but at least they tell you to do

it at home and wash your hands first. if you want to taub about leaders who don't deserve the type of leader, you would be remiss if you didn't mention the man himself, the president of the united states, donald jericho trump. every day, he shows us why he is not the right leader for this moment, or any other moment. and, look, luckily, he decided to back off his plan to quickly reopen the economy by easter, but he does continue to make a fool of himself, like yesterday, he tried to show off to everyone how much he knows about south korea, and he failed spectacularly. >> at one point during this press conference, the president said that he knows south korea better than anybody. >> mr. president, you said several times that the united states is ramped up testing but the united states is still not testing per capita as many people as other countries like south korea. >> i know south korea better than anybody. it's a very tight.

you know how many people are in seoul? do you know how big the city of seoul is? 38 million people, that's bigger than anything we have. 38 million people. >> for the record, only 10 million people live in seoul, not 38 million. >> trevor: wow. trump was so wrong, but with so much confidence. i would pay anything to see him be a contestant on the "the daily show." so, uh, what's your bid on this new dishwasher? that's easy -- $57 billion, drew. what? i know. i know it all. see, this is why i don't really think trump is a billionaire, not because he's a liar, not because he's a fraud, just because i don't think he understands how numbers work. he's, like, okay, trump tower, that's worth 80 billion, plus mar-a-lago, another 52 billion. i'm worth 675 billion, folks. but once again, this just proves if you say a number with confidence, anyone will believe

you. 98% of people know that. so, look, there are many leaders around the world who are failin, failing right now. but the good news is there are many other leaders who are rising to the occasion. south korea's leaders handed their coronavirus policies to medical experts andt it quickly brought the virus under control. south africa's president has been lauded for being quick to shut down the country and laying out plans. and here in america, in the absence of leadership from the white house, governors from california to ohio are stepping up to fill the void. basically what's happening in america is whatever happens when a family has, like, an alcoholic dad and the kids just have to raise themselves, that's what's going on in the u.s. right now. yeah, trump is awol, so the kids are just, like, all right, i guess i'm just going to drive to the supermarket. yeah? i'll just drive myself. kathy, do you want to make lunch? and the one governor crushing it the most right now is andrew

cuomo. yes. thanks to his handling of the coronavirus, his approval rating has soared to a seven-year high, and -- and this is crazy -- he's even becoming something of a coronavirus crush for many people. yeah. people online are falling in love with him because of coronavirus and how he's handling it. i'm not going to lie. those people include me. my tinder profile now lists me as a cuomo-sexual. the thing ifn enjoying about cuomo is, in these dark times, he also provides us with some entertainment. it's not just facts and plans, it's entertainment. i wait for his interviews on cnn he has with his brother because they calls yelled gems like thi- >> let me ask you something, with all of the add relation you're getting for doing your job, are you thinking about running for president? tell the audience. >> no. no. >> no, you won't answer?

>> no. i answered. the answer is no. >> no, you're not thinking about it. >> sometimes it's one word. i said no. >> through thought about it? >> no. >> are you open to thinking about it? >> no. >> might you think about it at some point? >> no. >> how can you know what you might think about at some point right now? >> because i know what i might think about, and what i won't think about. but you're a great interviewing, by the way. >> appreciate it. learned from the best. >.>> trevor: from now on, we should make it every single politician should be interviewed by siblings because they don't give a (~bleep ). are you running for president? no. are you running for president? no. leave me alone! leader says what? oh, you got me! right now, leader around the world messing up might want to take the crisis more seriously because remember this, coronavirus will disappear some day, but your screwups will never go away, not even with a

sauna and a couple shots of vodka. but let's get to a much more important issue. if you're like me, you've probably spent all your time over the last three weeks at home. the only face you've seen outside your family is probably mr. clean. and after spending all this time at home, the big question i have is what day is it? does anyone even know? well, to help me figure it out, i called my good friends, roy wood, jr., michael kosta and dulce sloan, and i think we figured it out. >> tough question, but i would go with friday. you know, it feels late in the week plus i'm out of the clean underware at this point. >> no, no, sunday because i'm not in church but i feel a little guilty about it. >> all of y'all are still stuck in the old school. i don't even operate in concepts of days anymore. to me, this week is just one 168-hour long day. i call it monday to friday t

aturday. >> i don't know about that. here's what i think. i did a show yesterday but i didn't do a show the day before, so i think that that means yesterday was monday, so i think today's tuesday. >> that's ridiculous. if today's tuesday, why am i drunk? >> trevor: that's because you have a drinking problem. >> no. you have my drinking problem. >> man, how the hell are we supposed to know what day it is, anyway? i'm not even sure if it's today. it could be yesterday for all i know. >> wait, i got it. i had tacos last night. that's usually on a tuesday, so that makes today wederday. >> trevor: were you trying to say wednesday? >> it's been so long i forget how to say the name of the days. it's turds day. >> wait, wait, guys, i'll just

look at my phone! >> trevor: of course, check your phone. >> yeah! it's -- tuesday, march 31st? >> wait. wait, wait. there's no way it's still march. >> trevor: it can't be march. march finished, like, a year ago. >> yeah, that doesn't make sense. it's got to be at least august right now. >> it's turds day august 1, trevor. right in my phone. >> that's sounds right to me. >> me, too. >> trevor: i guess we figured it out. turds day august 1, 2023. thank you so much, giles. when we come back, we'll be talking to n.b.a. star kevin love, so stick around. ( talking at the same time ) ( laughter ) (vo) at sprint, our priority is keeping our customers, employees, and communities safe.

during these uncertain times we want you to get the great service you expect without leaving the safety of your home. sprint.com makes shopping easier by offering free next day shipping and no activation fees on our best new phone deals, like the amazing iphone 11 for just $15 a month when you switch. for now sprint.com is the best way to learn about our plans, buy new phones and get the services you need. stay healthy and go to sprint.com today. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com

>> trevor: welcome back to

"the daily distancing showum" ( singing ) it's a new song. hope you like it. i that did the opportunity to speak to n.b.a. superstar kevin love about life with no basketball and he howe he kicked off a movement to help out arena workers when the n.b.a. shut down. check it out. kevin love, welcome back to the show but technically welcome for the first time to the shale th y distancing show." how are you holding up? >> it's been a tough time for all of us. ridden with stress, anxiety, the unknown. forget sports for the moment, just every walk in life and the world, the u.s. with the most cases now, you have to tip your hat to the heroes in this time are grocery store workers, pharmacies, people working at the pharmacy, but really the doctors and nurses, i mean, they're really putting in, you know, a lot of time. but this has been, like i said, a different time to navigate and

find ways to keep busy mentally and physically. >> trevor: it definitely has been a difficult time to navigate, but it feels like the n.b.a. and many of its players have stepped up in a really powerful and unique way. i remember the shock when the n.b.a. announced that they were suspending the season. i mean, nobody thought it would happen, and then very quickly we started to hear stories about how many people who worked in these arenas wouldn't have a job. and you were one of the first players who stepped up and said, hey, i'm going to give my own personal money to help pay for these people, i'm going to help raise money to pay for these people's salaries. then the owner stepped in and other players did as well. why did you feel it so important to do that and how did you get everybody mobilizing? what is the attitude of the n.b.a.? >> it was about, i guess wednesday would be three weeks, you know, since that night in oklahoma city when it was the jazz versus okc, and i woke up

the next day thinking about the stress and anxiety of this time and not knowing when or if these people and these families are going to be able to put food on their table. a lot of these people are living paycheck to paycheck, and these are people that are a part of not only my story but the cavs organization. you start to develop a first-name basis and first-name relationship with these people and start to ask about their family and you see them when they come in to the arena, see them when you leave the arena. i thought it was important to take care of people that have taken care of me so long and are part of my story, honestly, on and off the floor. >> trevor: yeah, human beings are resilient. you're right. everybody needs help getting through it, especially now. one of the things i've always appreciated about you is how open you've been in discussing anxiety, depression, you know, opening up that conversation in the n.b.a. and getting people more comfortable speaking about how to deal with these issues in

society. coronavirus has presented a completely unique challenge for many people who suffer from anxiety or even depression where many of your circles are removed from you, many people don't have the networks that keep them, you know, mentally as healthy as they would like to be. what have you been doing during this period and what advice would you give people out there who go, kevin, i'm not coping, and it feels like this is triggering everything that gets me to the place that i don't want to be in? >> well, i can say it right back at you. i've got to tip the hat because i know that, you know, this mental health has been a part of your story as well, so just, you know, continuing to create community in that aspect. i think that's a huge thing during this time. you know, people will look back, you know, they're not going to look back on their death bed and say i wish i would have earned more money, had more fame, they're going to say that those relationships are really what brought them joy and happiness.

so i feel like that sense of community, especially since i shared my story. i'm sure it's the same thing you, especially with your book, that a lot of people came out, you know, in droves and large numbers and just expressed kind of the things that hay had gone through and things they had experienced, whether it be, you know, firsthand or somebody just removed from their inner circle because we all have people that go through stuff and we all grieve and deal with loss at one point or another, but this social isolation has been, speaking of navigating this time, very, very different. >> trevor: right. >> i did a panel of n.b.a. all-star with president obama, and he brought something up to me that's such a social issue, like during this time when it comes to mental health and depression and anxiety, that it's the isolation and it's the loneliness that is so devastating during this time. and that really stuck with me

when he said that because i think that's sometimes lost on people, and i'm fortunate to have a lot of great friends in my life and be able to, you know, talk with people like you that can scale up this message and, you know, allow people to, you know, further these conversations, but that loneliness part of it is, you know, very, very scary, and i think it's important for people to know it's normal to feel this way. >> trevor: right. let me ask you this before i let you go -- everyone is wondering how the n.b.a. is going to come back, if and when it comes back for this season. people are hoping the n.b.a. can kick off in maybe late may, may be june or july. everyone knows that means the season will be compressed, but the n.b.a. said they want a champion. so would you rather have it that the season becomes really short and it's almost like a playoffs to a playoffs or would you rather the season goes later in the year and the next season starts later or do you just go straight? what would you hope as the ideal

scenario for the n.b.a. now? >> i'm going to answer the second part first because i've had this conversation with a number of guys as well as, you know, a couple of coaches and former coaches is that we have the best schedule, it's a scholastic schedule, you get summers off. >> trevor: right. >> so selfishly -- and i've done it for 25 years now, i've organized basketball, is we've always had the schedule where it's been september and october if you go all the way to the finals, it's through june and we get the summers off. so we have it really good, and that's not lost on any of us. and, obviously, you know, drastic times, drastic measures, but we would like to keep the same schedule, 82 games. but i would see a situation where because guys come in a little out of shape and don't know how to get through this time because it is new, they will then, you know, have, like, a two-week training camp, play ten games, and then it will go

into some sort of a playoff scenario, where i i don't know if they'll play seven games or a five-game series that we haven't seen in a long time and then have the finals. but i do think that because we've had so many of these sports taken away from us that the readings will be incredibly high and in basketball it will be anybody's game or championship. so as a fan myself, that will be fun to watch. >> trevor: kevin, thank you so much for your time, man. i hope you keep in shape and stay safe out there, man. good luck to you and hopefully we'll be seeing you on the court sooner than later. >> all right, likewise, thanks, buddy. >> trevor: thank you, kevin love. good luck out there, man. well, that's our show for today. before we go, though, don't forget, doctors and nurses and first responders around the country are still struggling to get the masks, gloves and gowns that they need to protect themselves, but you can help. so please go to thrive global's

first responders first and donate what you can to get p.p.e. to people saving lives now. if you want to help in new york city specifically go to the new york mayors fund covid 19 response and donate there. stay safe out there. wash your hands, don't murder your roommates and i'll see you again tomorrow. here it is... your moment of zen. >> it's not up to just only to the emergency departments to pull through and to make sure the curve is flattened. this is a responsibility for everybody in the country to help us pull through. >> so stay the f home. >> exactly. stay the f home. exactly. exactly. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪

- ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ with a delivery kitchen inry at chipalmost every restaurant, real food comes straight to your door. it's chipotle,

delivered fast, fresh, and personalized just for you. order in the app for free delivery. aand we're here for you -ry day fespecially now,rs. doing everything possible to keep you connected.

through the resilience of our network and people... we can keep learning, keep sharing, keep watching, and most of all, keep together. it's the job we've always done... it is the job we will always do.

- you think you're man enough to fight me, you little shit? - yeah, 'cause you're a drunk piece of shit, dad! - you're both drunk pieces of shit! both of you sit the [bleep] down! - shut up! - they're noisy! - [bleep] you, bitch! - you son a bitch! - they're nasty! - you done spilt that on my titties, skank! - they're white trash! and when you give 'em a little pabst blue ribbon, they can't help getting arrested! tonight, on an all new white trash in trouble... - pabst blue ribbon and white trash-- it's a deadly combination that can lead to prison time and children being taken away from their homes. this white trash home in colorado seems innocent enough. - hmm. [muffled] - but the children in this home live in a world of neglect. there's no heating, no groceries. and if you look closely in the backyard, you can even make out what appears to be a meth lab. - hey! [muffled]