aves i ntsest, it always knows where its home is. oh, you listen to your grandma. she knows her shit. yeah. i mean, i love being here, and-- and i missed queens. you hear that, queens? i love you! yeah! is that bird shit? yeah, don't touch that, that's boris'. (grandma) it's good luck. and also, what is this? that's my bouncy-bounce. ellen and i use it for exercise. we gotta practice two-sies. what is two-sies? two for one with our next male prostitute. grandma! >> what's going on, everybody. welcome to another episode of the "the daily social distance show." i'm trevor noah, and today is day 31 of staying inside to try and prevent the spread of

coronavirus. yeah, that's right-- for one month i've been making the show from my apartment. and i'll be honest, the only reason i haven't gone crazy is because i know that we're all in this together. and so to try and say thank you for keeping me going, i decided to put together this celebration of all the good times we've shared. ♪ imagine all the people >> imagine you shut the ( bleep ) up! ♪ ♪ ♪ when i think about what a month we've had ♪ it's been hard for everyone and i know we'll get better as time heals all wounds

♪ we've got to do some of the things we wanted to do ♪ we've learned about ourselves and we've had fun, too ♪ when i think about the month we've had ♪ can't believe i did all those crazy things ♪ >> trevor: anyway, we're still going to be spending a lot more time inside our homes so here's your quarantine tip of the day. if you're homeschooling your kids and you feel stupid for not understanding their math homework, here's a trick: make your kids teach your job to you, and you'll realize your kids are way dumber than you are.

on tonight's episode: america thinks dr. fauci is sexy, we talk to lewis black about life in quarantine, and a look at the coronavirus conspiracy theories driving people crazy. so let's get into it! welcome to "the daily social distancing show." >> from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is "the daily social distancw-7j t" >> trevor: all right, let's kick things off the way we always do in quarantine-- with our daily dose of sunshine. ♪ ♪ although coronavirus is quickly becoming one of the worst periods in human history, every day, we learn how, for animals, this time is pure bliss. the pandas are smashing in china. the animals are partying at yosemite national park and now the groundhogs are doing this.

>> on lighter news, it seemed like "groundhog day part two" in pennsylvania. >> check out this pizza-loving woodchuck in philadelphia. unlike its usually shy counterpart punxsutawney phil, this one munching away at a cheese slice while staring down a dog on the other side of the window. the rodent now dubbed "pizza groundhog" to rival "pizza rat" here in new york city. >> trevor: wow, that groundhog is a legend. did you see his face? did you see him. he's just eating that pizza right in their faces. he's like if bugs bunny was even more of an asshole. and this makes you realize how different indoor animals and outdoor animals are. the groundhog is out there like "oh, this? yeah, i just eat pizza whenever i want. i guess you guys probably have to ask for pizza, like a little bitch. well, at least you can still scratch your balls, though. oh, i forgot your owner chopped them off." and you know he's not going to stop with dogs. you can see in those little

groundhog eyes he's getting cocky. i bet next week he's going to be taunting us humans, just sitting outside our windows having brunch with all its friends. ( groundhog ) "bottomless mimosas? can't do that at home!" in other news, there is now a petition with over 15,000 signatures to make dr. fauci "people" magazine's "sexiest man alive." and this is why i love america. the man who is a sink, an academic, a public servant, and is out there keeping everyone healthy and everyone is like: "drop your pants and show us that ph.d.!" and i hope this happens, and not just for fauci, but for the whole country, because if there's one thing we know, donald trump only respects hot people. it's why ivanka is a presidential adviser but eric has to use the doggy door. oh, and just by the way, "people" magazine? you need to change your name to "person" magazine. it's called social distancing! and speaking of leaders trying to make a difference:

emmanuel macron, president of france and "guy in a gillette commercial who just finished shaving," is leading efforts to call a global truce on all wars during the coronavirus epidemic. yeah. all wars stopped for coronavirus. and believe it or not, he's already gotten the u.k.'s boris johnson, china's president xi and president donald trump. which is very impressive. this is the most french thing ever. ( macron ) "mon ami, we don't need to fight. let's put down or guns and make some sweet, sweet love? ha-ha! just kidding. unless...?" all right, that's your ray of sunshine. let's get right to the big story. with corona completely changing our lives there have been many questions we are forced to ask ourselves: if grocery store workers and delivery people are essential workers, then shouldn't they earn a living wage? should healthcare be tied to

employment? is it okay to have a romantic relationship with a house plant? once we get out of this, and once this is all done, and we can finally leave the house again and tongue kiss our uber drivers, there's gonna be one question people want an answer to more than anything: "where in the hell did this virus come from?" because before the virus shut downtown world, people were happy. people were happy to accept the official explanation from china, which was that the virus originated at a live animal market, where it somehow jumped from a bat to a human. and we were look, okay, i think that's the plot of "dark knight" but we'll accept it. but now that all of us have been stuck in the house, with nothing to do except throw our cats birthday parties over zoom ( meow ) everyone at home has had time to come up with some theories about how they exactly think this thing went down.

now, i've been spending a lot of time online, and the most common conspiracy theory i've seen is that the virus jumped from a bat to a human the same way oreos jump from the packaging into my roommate's howght. "i know where they're going, billy. i see you." and this is a theory many people were willing to accept because of racism. people are saying in china they eat all kinds of crazy things. hell, i heard they eat cookies with a piece of paper inside. and i was ready to believe this pandemic could have started as a food thing because, look, man, i've been in situations when food starts a thing. i was on a flight once, where one person ate a tuna sandwich, but we all paid the price. so this story made sense, until it came out that those viral videos of people eating bat soup weren't even filmed in china. and then we found out that viruses can't survive cooking anyway. so that was out the window. but then i heard about a different conspiracy theory that totally makes thence. it turns out crone afs not a

virus. it was actually a weapon created to take old people out. >> if you go online, there is no shortage of conspiracy theories. here is one. the virus was bioengineered in a lab by scientists to be used as a weapon or a form of population control. this is a theory former politician bronwyn bishop has also suggested. >> it is to get rid of non-productive chinese in the chinese community. therefore, in the words of george bernard shaw, should be eliminated so they don't have to be fed. >> roseanne barr is calling the novel coronavirus pandemic is a ploy to kill baby boomers. >> you know what it is, norm? i think they're just trying to get rid of all my generation. >> trevor: now, this theory made complete sense: who dies most from the virus? old people. who dies the most anyway? old people. bam! it's the perfect crime! and think about it: as soon as people started saying "ok, boomer," all of a sudden we got coronavirus and old people are

dying. that can't be a coincidence! and you might be asking why would anyone want to take out all the old people? well, i don't know, maybe it's because someone was tired of giving up their seat on the bus, or maybe restaurant owners are tired of strog open for dinner at 3:00 p.m. or maybe young people were just tired of getting their ass whooped at bingo. the point is the motive is there. now i will admit, but as much as i wanted to believe that theory, i had to let it go because a team of scientists-- scientists with degrees and qualifications-- sequenced the genome of the coronavirus. they broke it down, and they found that, unlike every butt in miami, this virus definitely wasn't man-made. so, okay, fine. maybe this wasn't a biological weapon designed to destroy the slot machine economy. but that wasn't my favorite theory anyway. because there's one theory, one theory that actually makes the most sense, and it was this:

>> there is a conspiracy theory sweeping the globe that coronavirus is caused by 5g technology. >> the theory is that 5g damages the human immune system. >> all of us should know what's taking place right under our noses. >> what 5g actually does, it absorbs oxygen, and that is really important to note. >> 5g gets switched on and, people drop like flies, and all of an excuse we have a virus going on. >> some people in the u.k. bought into it so much, they started lighting cell phone towers on fire. >> 5g burning. burning, burning, burning. >> trevor: yes! burn those cell phone towers down! we've gotta put an end to coronavirus, and all group chats! i don't know who any of you people are, but i did not ask to be a part of this group! notice i know some of you are sitting at home smug-- how does 5g cause a virus? i'll tell you how. ask yourself this question: what is 5g?

it's a super-fast network that runs through the air. you know what else goes through the air? coronavirus? what else goes through the air? superman. and what burger did i eat while watching the last "superman" movie? five guys. five guys. 5g. i rest my case. now, i'm not gonna lie. there area a few coverage gaps in this 5g theory. just a few, just a few things that make me doubt. for starters, every part of this theory is completely ridiculous and biologically impossible. not to mention, coronavirus has also exploded in places where they don't even have 5g yet. so i haven't figured that out yet. and, 5g, just like 4g and 3g before it, is broadcasting at such a low frequency, it's too weak to do any damage to you. yeah, so saying 5g makes you sick is sort of like saying your iphone flashlight gave you a sunburn. in fact, 5g broadcasts in the same range as a normal radio. yeah, and let's be honest, the

most dangerous thing we got from a radio wasn't a virus. it was mambo #5. and that only killed 6,000 people, top. so where did the corona virus come from? i don't know, but i'll tell you this: i don't care if these conspiracy theories have been debunked. i'm not taking any chances. from now on, i will no longer be ordering the popeye's spicy bat sandwich, even though it is delicious. i also decided i'm not gonna get old. it's just too risky. and most importantly, i've stopped using cell phones. from now on. i only use a pager. and, yeah, i know that makes it harder to send nudes, but i'm going to do my best. and i know the alternative to all this is i could just wait for doctors and scientists to figure out where this virus came from, but i mean, come on man, i'm not crazy. all right, after the break, i'm gonna catch up with my good friend lewis black. so don't go away, we'll be right bat--

i mean back! i mean black. man, they got me already. howdy folks!

colonel sanders here at home, just like you. mealtimes can be overwhelming. especially when you're trying to work, teach, and parent all at once. so let us help with kfc's $20 fill ups. it's like a home-cooked meal you don't have to cook. drive thrus open. or get free delivery by grubhub. daily social distancing show." earlier today, i caught up with my good friend lewis black to find out how he's been doing under the quarantine.

check it out. ( phone ringing. >> trevor: hey, lewis black. i wanted to call to see how you're doing. >> oh, gee, thanks! good to know i'm a fifth-week friend. >> trevor: wait, what? what are you talking about? >> i mean, i didn't expect you to check in on the first week. that's for family and close friends. but the fifth week?! even my proctologist called me in week three, and i haven't had a functioning prostate in years! oh, but i guess you wouldn't know anything about my prostrate, would you, trevor? you never ask, because i'm just a fifth-week friend! >> trevor: well, you know, what, lewis, i could say the same thing about you. you haven't called me the entire month. >> that's because i was too busy reading your book. >> trevor: oh, wow, i'm-- i'm flattered. >> don't be! i was just trying to see if there was something in your past that would have made me a fifth-week friend! >> trevor: lewis, i feel like you need to get over it. i'm calling you now, right?

i just wanted to see how you were doing during quarantine. what's going on? >> oh, just great, trevor, besides waiting for your call, i spend my days trying to remember what i didn't do that day. and as night draws nigh, i remember that i can't cook! >> trevor: okay, but if you're not cooking, buddy, then what are you doing? >> i'm being productive. just yesterday, i sat on my ass in the living room. then i sat on my ass in the kitchen. and after that, i sat on my ass in the bedroom. i'm doing a whole year's worth of ass-sitting in one day! this whole pandemic is a like reverse prison: all the people doing the wrong thing are outside enjoying their freedom. meanwhile, i'm stuck in solitary, drinking wine i made in my toilet. >> trevor: qupt, lewis, this is really popular online. i could seend you a sourdoubt starter. >> ( bleep ) your sourdo you

starter! i'm drinking my toilet wine! >> trevor: you know what, lewis, normally i would be worried, but i think this is something you have to go through on your own. >> that's the beauty of this situation. we're learning that no matter what age you are, none of us know how to handle a pandemic. young people don't know how to handle being alone middle-aged people don't know how to homeschool their kids, and kids don't know how to shut the (bleep) up! anyway, i gotta go. for a fifth-week friend, you're chewing my ear off. and i got another show to do. >> trevor: you've got another show. are you doing standup shows over the internet? >> even better! i show perverts my feet for five dollars a minute. and it's about to be morning in germany, and let me tell you -- they wake up horny over there. >> trevor: okay, well... it's good-- good-- good news from you, lewis. i just wanted to call you and let you know that i cherish our friendship, and you're night

fifth-week friend. >> oh, yeah, sure. talk to you in june! guten mornen, herrs and fraus! here come my tootsies! >> trevor: well, thank you so much, lewis. i'm glad that you found a way to make a living. when we come back my guest will be dallas mavericks owner mark cuban who is a group of team owners and business leaders tapped by the white house to offer advice on how to reopen this economy. so you definitely want to stick around. we'll be right back. ["under pressure" by queen and david bowie] ♪ pressure pushing down on me ♪ pressing down on you, no man ask for ♪ ♪ it's the terror of knowing what the world is about. ♪ ♪ watching some good friends screaming 'let me out' ♪ ♪ this is ourselves ♪ under pressure ♪

yeah. this moving thing never gets any easier. well, xfinity makes moving super easy. i can transfer my internet and tv service in about a minute. wow, that is easy. almost as easy as having those guys help you move. we are those guys. that's you? the truck adds 10 pounds. in the arms. -okay... transfer your service online in a few easy steps. now that's simple, easy, awesome. transfer your service in minutes, making moving with xfinity a breeze. visit xfinity.com/moving today.

daily social distancing show." earlier today, i spoke with the dallas mavericks owner mark cuban about how to bring back the n.b.a., and what it's like working on president trump's advisory council for reopening the country. welcome, mark, welcome to the "the daily social distance show." this has been an interesting time in our lives, in history, because there has never been a period in time when the whole world is experiencing the exact same thing at the same time. for you personally, you're in a position where you're not only a human being dealing with this, but you're on the task force assigned by the president to figure out how the company reopens. how are you as a team figuring out when to reopen the country? >> i think the first step was getting people together that the president thought could contribute. you know, all the we've had is a basic call so far, and then we'll go from there.

in terms of specifics, he gave us some people to put together and i put together a five-page note of the things i think need to happen for small businesses in particular and i'll see how they intend. >> trevor: you were one of the first team owners nonetheless n.b.a. to step up and say you were going to pay for the people not getting their salaries right now. a lot of people forget how many people earn money from a game taking place-- people selling hot dogs, cleaning the stadiums, providing security, transport to the games. >> yup. >> trevor: when looking at that, what are you hoping you can do in the wake of the coronavirus? at some point, we assume sports will come back, but it may not kick off the way we think it will, right? >> yeah, the goal, hopefully, is to, again, once its science is in place play wherever we can play because people need sports. we want something to cheer for. we want something to get excited about. you know, i think we'll get out there, play without fans, play to the tv cameras. and in terms of the bigger ecosystem, of course we're going to have to keep taking care of our employees. in the past a lot of people

would talk about trickle-down economics. i think one of the lessons we're going to learn from all this is it's time for trickle-up economics. we're only as strong as its base layer of all our employees, all the people who struggle and get paid hour by hour and don't know how much they're going to get. if we don't take care of them, there is no economy and we're learning that now. >> trevor: from the business side of things, you're going to be advising the president. and one of the biggest criticisms in this country is it seems like a lot of tax cuts, or even the relief proposed in this bill now being doled out, has been aimed at helping bilge businesses, and it's going to help people who have a lot of money and those on the ground will continue to suffer. what would you proaps to the president, or what do you think needs to be gone d.n.a. from the government side to help small business and to help people who don't have large incomes? >> well, i agree with you. look, when you look at all the interest rates that have been cut and all the federal stimulus, that's effectively u.b.i. for rich people. the government is coming in and

buying a lot of expensive assets that everyday people don't have access to. they're not getting support from. and so the things that i've recommended initially is to try to push and reward companies that offer equity in their company to their employees. because the only way that you get away from living paycheck to paycheck is by having an asset that can appreciate, whether it's a home, whether it's stock in your company-- whatever it may be. the second thing is we're going to have to raise the minimum wage, federally. you know, because right now, we're coming to the realization, again, that we've got to have a strong foundation of people and a strong federal minimum wage is one of the first ways that we can do that. >> trevor: let me ask you this: if you were giving advice to a small business right now, there are many small businesses who had to furlough workers. there are many small business woz had to fire workers. what would you suggest to people who don't want to fire anybody but also don't want to lose everything in trying to sustain their employees? is there a balance? is there something you think they can do? >> there are thing you can try. first you have to apply for all

the loan for small business. the paycheck protection program, they will probably refund that. there's the emergency loans from the s.b.a. those are the basic things that you have to understand as an entrepreneur. you know, when we get through this, you know, let's call it america 2.0, the reset. the people that work for you, the peep whose feet are on the ground talking to your customers, who are out in the communities, as much as they can be, they're going to have better ideas than the bosses will have. you know, they're going to be able to come up with ways to sustain your business. so i'm telling all my little companies, "talk to your employees. let them talk to your customers," because that's where the best sustainable ideas are going to come from. >> trevor: i feel like one side of you that not a lot of people think about often is the fact that you're a dad. >> yeah. >> trevor: and now are you a father who is at home with his family. what has been the best and worst parts of being stuck inside with everyone that you don't always spend all this time with? >> so the best part is the forced family fun when it

works-- a good movie night when we pick a movie that we all watch. you know, having dinner and sitting down and talking. the worst is just getting them out of bed, right. just getting them to connect. because they don't want to leave. but, wait, it just so happens-- you see this thing here? that's a bubble soccer ball, right. and so i'm trying to figure out how to get this thing blown up because it's enforced social distancing because you have these big bubble soccer balls and they can bang into each, blow off a lot of steam. we paeb the first professional sport on television if we do it right. >> trevor: that's hilarious. mark, thank you so much for your time. i really appreciate it. stay safe and i hope you're right about america having a 2.0 after this. >> i hope so, too, take scare and stay safe. well, that's our show for tonight. before we go: if you are able to help people who are going hungry because of this pandemic please consider a donation to "feeding america." they're supplying food to millions of people in america

every single day, and they could use your help. because even a dollar can help someone get a meal. stay safe out there, wash your hands, and remember: the only thing you need to get through this crisis is right here. that's where i keep my weed. on the inside. i'll see you all next week. now, here it is, your moment of zen. ♪ ♪ >> we're going to have hundreds of thousands of ventilators, and it's a great thing to have. yes in the back, please. is anybody freezing? you know, it's very cold out here. so we can leave early, right? uh-huh. nice. oh, god. [giggles] what's wrong, michael? i got gum in my hair. you do. this...just...stinks. don't touch it. please, don't touch it! you got a ton of dandruff. okay, let me be. how'd you get gum in your hair?

i was walking in, and i noticed something shiny under stanley's car. and i got under to see what it was, and i messed up my hair. all for a stupid piece of tinfoil. but, best-case scenario, you thought it was a quarter. kill me. right now. we have peanut butter in the kitchen. i don't feel like peanut butter. get me an ice cream sandwich. nope, not for you. it's for your hair. and it is 9:00 a.m. no, dwight, not the good peanut butter-- people are gonna get mad. hey, hey, hey. this is my hair we're talking about. smells good. [smacks lips] tastes good too. oh, don't. that's disgusting. wow, a lot of calories. well, just don't leave it on too long. keep massaging, please. oh, yeah, that's nice. [cheerful music] ♪

hey, michael, how was your date last night? [big sigh] i will be honest--the dating has not been going well. look... men are visual creatures. we...crave beauty, like a piece of fine art by... any number of renowned artists. or an arty photograph of cindy crawford nude. that, but the women i'm getting fixed up with are... [gags] not that they aren't nice or that-- have great personalities. they just--they just lack a certain...